Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?A: Having to go to bed so early!
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After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took$300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table."Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20.""Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can'tmake a living on that.""Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
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Q: What's a real mate?A: Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one?.when he returns.
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How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?Call her up
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree."Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going toeat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."Little Red Riding Hood said angrily,"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
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What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull?Your very last headjob.
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Q: What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch dick?A: Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.
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How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.
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A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers."Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?""No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."
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This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?""Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
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How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you?.up the arse with her clitoris.
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Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before."Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.
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What does a camera and a condom have in common?They both capture that magic moment.
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One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"
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Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??A. A submarine.Sent by sam
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Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
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A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blowjob.He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to Cardozo High School in Detroit?""Yes. How'd you know?""I never forget a face."
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Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"Jake says, "I fought 'em."
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In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"Johnny says, "Seventy-three."The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
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A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.She says, "That's it! That's it!"He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."
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A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIScountry there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come fromthere's really only one.""Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?""Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . ""Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"
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A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.""That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?""Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.
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Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you?.swear you'll never do it again.
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Two bikers were talking at a bar."How's married life?" asks the first."It's fine," says the second."How's the sex?" asks the first."Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"
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Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week.""What happened." Says her intrigued friend."I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."
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Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
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How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
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My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got tothe University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'dbeen at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believewhen, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was evenmore amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have aclue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my....-- She stopped."Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just likeCHOCOLATE!"Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet."It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed bymops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immersemyself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavorrubbed off. It didn't.I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they seemed to ask themselves.When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole newyear of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen.And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to haveconversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me WillyWonka.Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ thatjust happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point."Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallusonly serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field..."No!" she said.She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"I stopped."Why not?", I asked."I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.Not...""I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever.""You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if shewanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face andrested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. Sheresisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --I lifted my head up."Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
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A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. Afterriding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said,"Well, aren't you going to ask me?""Ask you what?"replied the trucker."If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth."Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."
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What do jello and a woman have in common?They both wiggle when you eat them.
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When I was growing up I used to lick all the kids on the block except for the Browns...They were boys.
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The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are:1. Passionate Lady2. Bare Belly3. Silk Panties4. Conscience5. Jockey Shorts6. Clean Sheets7. Thighs8. Big Johnson9. Heavy Bosum10. Merry CherryAt the Post:They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.Heavy Bosum is being pressured.Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.Big Johnson is making a final drive.Passionate Lady is coming.At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
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Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do?Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases.First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tonguekissing and sometimes not.--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, oroutside the clothes genital contact.--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or yourpartner.--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached inthe times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressedsex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enterthe equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present withoutfurther ado... Standardized Guide to the Bases!--On Deck- Having plans for a date--Strike-Out- Duh!!--Walk- Kissing--Bunt- Masturbation--Single- Tongue kissing--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex--Home Run- SEX!--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom--Error- Condom breaks during sex--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom--Hall of Fame- Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms tobetter explain all the things that can happen now a days.--Balk- Premature ejaculation--Pine Tar- KY jelly--Relief pitcher- Vibrator--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly--Box Seats- Waterbed--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions--Rookie- Virgin--Minor Leagues- Under 18--Loaded Bases- manage a trois--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours--Foul tip- VD--Three up and three down- impotencyNow that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrastthe old confusion with current clarity.OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got likepast third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside thepark home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call ina relief pitcher.Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot ofthe confusion and helps you out.I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!Douglas K. Blystone---------------------------------------------------------------------------Rule 2.Section3.The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point notspecifically covered in the rules.
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I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't have a lot of trouble with that. But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and tuffer.
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Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drinkorders.The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placedbefore him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also likedrink.The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped bya brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
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Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?A. Slow down and use a lubricant.Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?A. Money.Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?A. After five years your job will still suck.Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?A. It's not hard.Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
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A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
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A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time. The doctor asked which he liked best.He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them."
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It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
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A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless."Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts."Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die,they inflate and float you up to heaven."Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes offquite satisfied.Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes intothe kitchen."Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"What do you mean? says his mother.Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both herballoons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"
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A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment."I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all.""Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times."If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
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What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said "Me too."Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
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Playgirl Rejection LetterNovember 30, 1995PLAYGIRL, INC.Dear Mrs. Smith, We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid pictureof your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue asthe Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,and as a life-time memento on his birthday. We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, asit is our routine procedure, with the following results: When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rateda -2. To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photographto another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn'tget them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him. The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!" The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhapsthey could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!" We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however, invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Pleasebe advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in John's case.Yours truly,Jane BrownPlaygirl, Inc.
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This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have." The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."
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There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well- endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
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A Guide to Love and Sex for VirginsAs a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have manyquestions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive andfrank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explainseverything you've ever wondered about.Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has adifferent ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should actand look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can giveyou a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That'sright, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer andlots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick aman that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, Irecommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possiblyreassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest youtry out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it'sup to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approachmen on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the icewith simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.Q: What if a man's married ?A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuableexperience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sortof commitment.Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourselfpregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says hiswife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believehim and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'llsoon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such importantmatters.Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comesto love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, sincethey're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?A: YES. Before if possible.Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing toremember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may atfirst seem strange to you. Do them anyway.Q: How long should the sex act last ?A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed orembarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have anatural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends toplay golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with hisfriends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcoholand sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel leftout - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him anexpensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.Q: What is "afterplay" ?A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manlyenergy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you todo after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, makinghim a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him aloneto sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, isimportant, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect malepenis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that isextremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is sevencentimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank youlucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing hislaundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.Q: What about the orgasm ?A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.Q: Are you sure ?A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experiencedmen or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend bygoing out and buying him an expensive gift.
Sex

ZipperGate Update...In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms.Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering afull throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to theinvestigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerningan oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although theindependent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony,beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.
Sex

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that hispoor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for hismigraines and STILL no improvement."Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'mgoing to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I havea migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for awhile. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I canstand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then Iget out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head iskilling me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, theheadache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back andsee me in six weeks."Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I tookyour advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!""Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help.""By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
Sex

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."+------------------------------------------------------------------------ On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."
Sex

How do you clean a condom?Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!
Sex

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth"Mickey retorted " I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!
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This joke sucks....One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps hiswife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over andsays, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and Iwant to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This timehe whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Sex

"The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bedso they felt Grumpy instead....."
Sex

How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Sex

Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea."I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten'because his dongis ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?"She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.' ""Why? Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know."Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"
Sex

Q: Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?A: She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie lie lie!"
Sex

Whats the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-itRub-it"
Sex

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky'swardrobe?When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.
Sex

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic isbarely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver islooking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex onsomeone's front lawn."Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sexdoggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its prettycool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wifea margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexualposition."The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it atry. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and thepassenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It wasgreat.But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
Sex

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the storelaughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there'sno law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, andonce again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest ofthe pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow himto see where he goes."Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, startscracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow theguy.About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store."Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.The clerk replies "Your house."
Sex

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Sex

Biology Class In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
Sex

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911. Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."
Sex

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.
Sex

This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth.
Sex

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Sex

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!" Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!" Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again. Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again." This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Sex

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
Sex

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
Sex

Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one month.
Sex

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters... Daughter: I don't know..... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?
Sex

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
Sex

The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the mother superior. "Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?" "Sorry", she replies, "but there are no dwarf nuns here". "Well, are there any in the city?". "No, there are no dwarf nuns". "What, none anywhere in Europe?" "No, little man". "None in the entire world". "Take my word for it". At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing. The Mother Superior asks "What's so funny?". "Dopey just fucked a penguin".
Sex

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said,"Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
Sex

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"
Sex

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one. Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie replied "No,I need it for my arms the women never showed up!"
Sex

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
Sex

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with her." To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his companion 'good night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her money."If you don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his atorney and explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the court as follows:- Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the Defendant for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The Defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed amount. The rent was by no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask Judgment be granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The Defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense was, therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property,that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his stones, erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him personally. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted. The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the Defendant removed his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do the cleaning up, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus making it very easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be granted. SHE GOT IT!
Sex

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said, "You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."
Sex

A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions." He says, "All right." She says, "All right...what is that thing that hangs between my fianc?'s legs?" The doctor says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis." She says, "Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?" The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans." She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?" The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about your fianc?, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass."
Sex

These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing and one sperm asks the other...Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube??? Sperm #2 says "Naaaa this is still the esophagus".
Sex

Great A Hot & Juicy Story Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten. So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?" "Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my Quarter-Pounder. She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours." I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?" "Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled, "Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and finger lickin' good, too!" She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?" "No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!" Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover. She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro. Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald. Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of her oven. Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!
Sex

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her new husbandAs he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked "What they don't use those things where you come from?" "Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"
Sex

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night.""OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?""Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too.""I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?""Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
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The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee."Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
Sex

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.""Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
Sex

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She brokedown and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
Sex

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Sex

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."
Sex

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified."You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Sex

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor."You didn't do it, did you?""I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Sex

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?""It's $2000, ma'am.""Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?""Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?""I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
Sex

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?It comes with a 16 inch applicator
Sex

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spotoverlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple insidewith the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver'sseat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seatcalmly knitting.He stopped to investigate.He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man lookedup, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?""What are you doing?" the policeman asked."What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm readingthis magazine."Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer thenasked, "And what is she doing?"The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she'sknitting a sweater."Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?""I'm nineteen," he replied."And how old is she?" asked the officer.The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelveminutes she'll be eighteen."
Sex

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a womanbeside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. Theyare both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft asyour breast, I know you'll forgive me."She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Sex

While attending a spelling session in school one day,The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spellthe word DICTATE?Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E"The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that wordin a sentence?"Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can." "I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."
Sex

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing."Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!""WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
Sex

What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ??It is known how many went down on the Titanic.
Sex

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid myFinnish isn't too good."The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't allthat hot either."
Sex

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
Sex

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table."Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you.""All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?""Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Sex

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself."What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty."Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Sex

What's the difference between mayonaise and sperm?Mayonaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at 40 mph.
Sex

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.Can you help me?""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proudphysician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, thatdoes the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merryway.A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on thestreet. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got tothank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sexfourteen times in eight days!""Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What doesyour wife think about it?""Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
Sex

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraidof spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She hadbeen with so many perverted men over the years that she felt sheneeded a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male nearher age.She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a malevirgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to anAustralian computer programmer.After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he hadindeed never been with a woman and they were married. On theirwedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken thebed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of theroom. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "Ithought you had never been with a woman."He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing akangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
Sex

How is pubic hair like parsley?You push it to the side before you start eating.
Sex

What's the definition of a virgin?an ugly third grader
Sex

What do you do when you're finished fucking a ten year old girl?A: Turn her over and pretend she's a ten year old boy!
Sex

What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?My son.
Sex

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?Crib death.
Sex

*ring* *ring*"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?""I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whisperedhuskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you untilmorning.""Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Sex

Why is a joke like pussy?Neither's any good if you don't get it.
Sex

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball???She choked...
Sex

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeterdick?Nothing.... They all make your eyes water.
Sex

What do you do after you just raped a 12yr old deaf & dumb girl ?Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum.
Sex

A guy rings work and says "I can`t come in to work today as I`m sick"The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"The guy says "Well I`m in bed with my 12 year old son !!"
Sex

Why do they put strings on tampons?So you can floss after you eat!
Sex

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?To stop the snoring before it starts..
Sex

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...
Sex

Where does Peter Pan eat?Wendy's
Sex

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at thelocal bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." Hisfriend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loosewomen' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the firstman. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."at thelocal bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." Hisfriend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loosewomen' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the firstman. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."
Sex

After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband "Wasmaking love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?""Yes, she's dead to!""Was making love to me really the same as makinglove to Marilyn Monroe?""Yes, she's dead to!"
Sex

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wifeone Friday evening and read's: Dear Wife (that's whathe called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive thisletter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautifuland sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at thehotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54and by the time you receive this letter I will be atthe Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 yearold toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more timesthan 54 goes into 18!!!!
Sex

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Sex

Did you hear about the hooker that had herappendix taken out?Now she does business on the side!
Sex

What kind of Bees make honey? Honey Bees!What kind of Bees make Milk? BOOBIES!
Sex

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?They both hold something stiff but one's coming andone's going!
Sex

A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?Because Ken always comes in a box!
Sex

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted t dosomething special to please him on hisbirthday, so she bought a pair of crotchlesspanties. That night, as he came into the house, shelay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle."Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all wantsome of this?""Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it'sdone to your undies!"
Sex

What's another term for cunnilingus? Genital Slurpees.
Sex

A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while: "Honey, your tits are too small, and your boxis too tight,""Get off my back, dear!" she replies
Sex

So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?"The other replies "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!"
Sex

What the difference between true love and herpes? - Herpes lasts forever
Sex

A girl gets a tatoo of Santa Claus on one thighand a turkey on the other. She wants to show thatthere is something good to eat in betweenThanksgiving and Christmas.
Sex

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college sidekick areperched near the front door of the girls' dorm. Severalplain Janes walk by as the two converse.Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm andsaunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and -- barely audibly-- inquires, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"The young beauty -- startled by what she thinks she heard-- exclaims "What?!" Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats"Typical nasty weather?" "Oh," she demures, "yes," and goeson her way.More young lovelys walk by and the scene is repeated."Tickle your ass with a feather?" "What?" "Typical nasty weather?"Finally, Romeo delivers his line,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" and his prospect stops,smiles and invites him up to her room.Now the sidekick, alone, having paid close attention,decides to try this remarkable new technique. A likelyprospect comes near. The sidekick leers and blurts out,"Cram a feather up your ass?"Shocked, the girl spins around and slaps him, to whichhe replies, "Looks like rain!"
Sex

What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?" -About three inches.
Sex

Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore? -She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.
Sex

Q. Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?A. Because she found out what the big boys eat.
Sex

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits himdown and begins the standard speech he gives to seniorcitizens, about how as the body ages bodily functionsslow down and it is completely normal to suffer somedecrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worryor become upset about it, but should just relax andthings will probably be completely fine andblah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "Whendid you first begin to think you were impotent?""Three times last night, and again this morning."
Sex

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the localbrothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait.""But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.""Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.""Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one ofthe staff and, after looking for a place to consummatethe transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. Butit's a very cold night, and they freeze to death andfall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,staggers to the door, and knocks."Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!""I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tellyou that your sign fell down."
Sex

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant? -She blew them both...
Sex

Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit."I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink""There's another trench over there" says the other."I'll cover you with the M60.... just give me a shout andand i'll cover you so you can get back""OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off themachine gun.He's waiting 10 minutes......15.......20....he shouts out "Are you Ok?".....nothing.Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting."Cover me i`m coming back"When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the fuck have you been? you've been gone for over an hour""Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits,fondled her arse,turned her round and fucked her frombehind!""It was great!""You lucky Bastard" said the other "did you get a blow job?" "nah" said the other,disappointedly" she didn't have a head"Send by Rob Rowell
Sex

How do you make love to a fat girl?Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.
Sex

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse? Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!
Sex

What's the best thing about a blow job? - The 15 minutes of silence!
Sex

What do people do for fun on Halloween? They monsterbate
Sex

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!""Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private."Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?""No, no nothing of those..." said the private."Well then, what is it?""I'd rather not tell you sir...""Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private."Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?""You see, she crossed her legs....."
Sex

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.""Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
Sex

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
Sex

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex? Mace...
Sex

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished upand the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend gotmad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the carand went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked forit back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give u a dollar." "Well," little boy thought, "Okay."So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what justwhat just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but Itricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"
Sex

What is the most insensitive part of a penis? - The man
Sex

What's green and smells like pig? - Kermit's fingers.
Sex

Two men were talking to each other about how pussy taste.The first guy said"I think it taste like cherry pie".Theother guy said "I think it taste like shit".Thenthe first guy said "you are supposed to turn her over".Sent by Don Chamberlin
Sex

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"
Sex

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."The farmer shot Chuck.
Sex

A guy was sitting in a bar when a strangerwalked up to him and asked, "If you woke upin the woods and scratched your buttand felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?""Hell no!" the guy said.The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into yourcrack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"The man said, "Of course not.""Wanna go camping?"
Sex

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Sex

A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says..... "Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?" The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks backat the little girl and winks.... "When your mommy goes to the mall!"
Sex

What's the difference between hard and light? - You can sleep with a light on.
Sex

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.One day he took his questions to his mother, and she becameflustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him tohide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother.Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figuredsis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have beengetting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sisgot toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. Iknow it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel hadgotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pantsand stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed itin one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she gotreally scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she startedcalling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about theones I saw at the lake!Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit herback. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he tooka muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep itfrom biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get ascissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eelput up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and herboyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel bysquishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriendsat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead becauseit just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis andher boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courtinganyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn'tdead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eelsare like cats... They have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this timebecause I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.Mother fainted.
Sex

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner onenight. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". Thefirst knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down hispants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriatemusic.Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pantsand tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band playedappropriate music.After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out."I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon dothrose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."
Sex

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.
Sex

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over andsays he'll give her a ride home.On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking oldbroad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't duefor 5 more days, so she agrees.They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and hesays to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would haveoffered you $20.00!" She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I wouldhave taken off my pantyhose!"
Sex

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawl.Sent by Josh
Sex

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.The doctor took one look at this woman and all hisprofessionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she haddisrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doingso, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasionsor dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," saidthe doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Doyou know what I'm doing now?" he asked."Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps orbreast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexualintercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doingnow?""Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place."
Sex

Three guys are discussing women."I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."He asks the third guy "What about you?"."Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Sex

Husband: Want a quickie?Wife: As opposed to what?
Sex

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god youlook so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...sixdozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have tospend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
Sex

Did you know that the night Santa first met his futurewife he uttered the now famous words: "Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you."
Sex

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me aprescription for the Pill.""I don't think you need the Pill at your age.""It relaxes me.""But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not forrelaxing," exclaimed the physician."I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and everymorning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feelmore relaxed.
Sex

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex islike riding a bicycle.I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...
Sex

What did the boy with a long tongue and biglips say to his mom as he was masturbating? "look Ma', no hands"
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How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse.
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The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint."Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.""Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head.""Thats what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."
Sex

What is green and eats nuts? Herpes!
Sex

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!
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A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
Sex

What do you call foreplay in Alabama? 'Hey sis, you awake?'
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The new hooker had just finished her first trick. Whenshe came back down to the street, the seasoned veteransall gathered around to hear the details. She said,"Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine." "Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, buthe said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either.Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marinesaid he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all Ican give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after gettingthe finances straight, he pulled it out. I put onehand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,"Then I put the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!"
Sex

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um...little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctorand explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad forher. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband'son his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in hismilk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks thedoc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in hismilk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to closethe coffin."
Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign thatsays; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy wasinterested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay."Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier. "Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied."Nope! Sorry play again".So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at thesame place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he wasreally ticked:"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number tohave free sex!" He screamed."Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 timeslast week alone!"
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The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attractand bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even consideringtrying to establish a relationship instead of just a one nightstand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't alreadyin one."I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said."Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to mea lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.
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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar gettingdrunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down."My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said."What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she toldme that I was too kinky for her, too!"The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have somuch in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to havekinky sex.When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrixoutfit.However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting onhis coat and walking out the door."What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit inyour purse. I'm done."
Sex

Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!"
Sex

Why do bankers make great lovers? They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
Sex

How do you re-sleeve a prostitue? - Put a leg of ham up her snatch and pull the bone out.
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How do you get Visual Aids? - From a nasty poke in the eye.
Sex

Which of the following doesn't belong?(a) meat(b) eggs(c) wife(d) blow job(D) A blowjob because its possible to beat your meat,your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob
Sex

What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine? They both leak when they're fucked!
Sex

What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? Her legs.
Sex

What is a yankee? A quickie, but you do it yourself.
Sex

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.
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How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid? When you open her legs the lights go on
Sex

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying andcrying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, yourmother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, its fathers turn to do the job."Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringingjoy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone fromthe nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and theparents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"
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The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when therecame the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke awayat once, eyes wide with alarm."Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor.""For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation,"is this a time to be superstitious?"
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At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girlcould be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbedreplied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."
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"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me."But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not.How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn'teven be lying here making love."
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A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along verywell, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartmentfor a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, heasked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At atime like this you want me to change positions?"
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A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hookersays, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that'sfor a hand job." "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the manexclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!" The hookersummons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. "See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I cando with my hands." Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 andsure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexualexperience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "Godthat was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?" "$2500," the hooker replied. "$2500 for a blowjob?" Cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!" Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing acrossthe street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it." Once again the hookertakes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasurehe received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How muchdo you get for pussy?" The hooker drags the man to the window for a thirdtime, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there onthe corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"Sent by TJ
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Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?Woman: NoMan: Lets have lunch sometime...Sent by jim
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A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant.""But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.""Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
Sex

What does pizza delivery man anda gynaecologist have in common?Both can smell it but can't eat it
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John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,""That sounds wonderful," said Brian."Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw youmaking love to her daughter?""Baaaaaaa."
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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not.""But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."
Sex

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make ithurt!..................So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.
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Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
Sex

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Sex

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A: Full.
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Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.
Sex

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he hasto listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the seconddwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."
Sex

Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It's her turn to guess the word. Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick! Nancy: Um. . . is it a place? Her partner: No. Nancy: Is it a person? Her partner: No. Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something Imight want to eat? Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe. Nancy: Is it black dick?
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There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussinghow much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me". The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me". The third lady slid down the bar stool.
Sex

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
Sex

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visaapplication. The border official look s over his shoulder,and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' intothe small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what wemean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
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Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics? A: Because men keep telling them that this|<---------------------->| is 12 inches.
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Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!The first little old lady had a huge stroke. Thesecond little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had astroke................but her arms weren't quite long enough.
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A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turnout to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at hisapartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on theother. He realizes that the first one might get boredwatching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd loveto play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy'sapartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stopup and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
Sex

A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to givehim hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot paintedon his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's aconversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lotsof pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so hepaints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking sohe picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks himwhat it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"
Sex

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
Sex

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. "Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
Sex

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? Who cares?
Sex

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination."Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,""Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."
Sex

So the elephant says to the naked man . . ."You breathe through that little thing?"
Sex

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"Which woke Ed."What's going on?" said Ed."I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted."How come?" said Ed."To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in mylife!" said TedAfter a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?""Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted."Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
Sex

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?The top of her head.
Sex

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman witha six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
Sex

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out."Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.""Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.""Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...And her ears promptly fell off.
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A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cooksaw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner hecooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking andignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up thecooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
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Q. What's an Australian kiss?A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
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Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?A: The penis.
Sex

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'dhad the previous night with this bloke she brought home."Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said."And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked."I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eightmates with him!" Mary said.
Sex

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle.
Sex

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
Sex

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her."Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
Sex

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"
Sex

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache."I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
Sex

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like werepopular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
Sex

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...What's the definition of the perfect woman?She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
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Q: What's the definition of virginity?A: A big issue over a little tissue.
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Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?A: An infected pussy on your organ.
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Old Chinese proverb:Rape impossible!Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
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While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into thebedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
Sex

A young girl is speaking with her father."Daddy, what's that between your legs?""That's my hedgehog.""Wow, it's got a massive cock."
Sex

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?" The father says, "they come from a hard-on." The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?" The father says, "little girls!"
Sex

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!" "Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's an anomaly." "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
Sex

A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.
Sex

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
Sex

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to herhusband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
Sex

This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know whatto do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed upand says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you playwith and put it where I pee!"...So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!
Sex

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in apark.The witness: They were fucking your honorThe judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there
Sex

Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
Sex

The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk."Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the ass."
Sex

A man goes to a doctor and says:"Doctor, it's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.""Gee, what are you taking for it?""Snuff."
Sex

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifertakes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her headstuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to theother:"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
Sex

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,and he says, "How much?"She says, "Twenty bucks."He says, "All right."They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, heruns into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.She says, "What the extra five?"He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
Sex

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they weregreeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick,so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some goodnews and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone."Well, give me the good news first," replied the other."The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply."And the bad news?""Mine died"
Sex

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?Self-employed
Sex

Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
Sex

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....Cop: What the hell are you two doing?Boy: We're necking.Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.
Sex

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
Sex

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked
Sex

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up."OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."
Sex

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"
Sex

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
Sex

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?""Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
Sex

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
Sex

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour""Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"
Sex

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
Sex

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
Sex

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then herhusband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by hernext husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they'refinally together."A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Sex

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls abeat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist howmuch it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, hecould sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back intwo hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:"The regiment has voted to replace."
Sex

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
Sex

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!""Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back."That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man."Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, butthats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor."You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
Sex

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
Sex

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."He says, "That's not my ring...It's my wristwatch."
Sex

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!""Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs fordinner!""Really?"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"
Sex

Do you know what a Yankee is?Same as a quickie, except you're by yourself
Sex

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?""I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.
Sex

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A: A tea bag.
Sex

How can ya tell when a woman has fucked too much?Ya put yer thumb in her ass, AND yer middle-finger in her cunt...Now, if ya can SNAP yer fingers, ya know she's been fucking too much..
Sex

How is sex like air?It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
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Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?""Yes,"her friend replied. "What do you do about it?""I usually suck on a Lifesaver."After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
Sex

A REDNECK BRINGS HIS DAUGHTER TO THE GYNOCOLOGIST FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.THE DR. ASKS,"IS YOUR DAUGHTER SEXUALLY ACTIVE?"THE REDNECK SAYS,"NAW, SHE JUST LAYS THERE LIKE HER MOTHER.Sent by BOBBY
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If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?The Swallow. Sent by Denise
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A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?""Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
Sex

Do you know why it's called sex?Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!
Sex

What do you do in case of fallout?Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Sex

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"The woman replies, "I'm a whore."The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute.""No, that is still too crude. Try again."They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?""Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Sex

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physicianexamined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery."How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Sex

For me, penises are a hobby ... kinda like fishing ... The small ones you throw back, The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and The big ones you mount."
Sex

Different sex outcomesBrunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"Blonde after sex: "Next!"Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."
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Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?A: She unties you.
Sex

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"
Sex

Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low????Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!
Sex

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
Sex

Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?A: 20 class rings fell out.
Sex

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business,and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock inthe air."The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
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Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couplecold ones after work...."
Sex

The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume."This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 perounce.""Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't wantsomething called 'Perhaps'; I want something called..."You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
Sex

The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to fuck in the mud...
Sex

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy wastalking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
Sex

Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint!"
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Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
Sex

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"
Sex

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife." Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."
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The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
Sex

What is the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?A Slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you!
Sex

Did you know Sex is a crime?Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..
Sex

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on,does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?
Sex

One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on. She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway". The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
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Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper," replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"
Sex

What is a man's idea of protected sex?A padded headboard.
Sex

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what?s been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She?s fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"
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AMNESIA:Condition that enables a woman who has gone throughlabor to have sex again.
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There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
Sex

Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Jhold it between your knees.
Sex

for you girls...Why is 88 better than 69?You get 8 twice.
Sex

Q: Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?A: She managed to squeeze them both in.
Sex

Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.Patient sticks out his tongue...
Sex

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
Sex

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
Sex

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minorheart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. Thecardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'llbe the best thing you can do for your recovery."So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife whatthe doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."
Sex

Why are women like snow flakes?? They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face......
Sex

Why do women fake orgasms?Because men fake foreplay.
Sex

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........No?.I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.
Sex

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows himone more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
Sex

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor: Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!
Sex

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker?A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.
Sex

What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Sex

What's the difference between mono and herpes?You get mono from from snatching a kiss....
Sex

What is red and has seven dents?Snow White's cherry!
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What's the definition of a real loser?A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
Sex

An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions."Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked.""The same as the short ones, honey."
Sex

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring."Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?""Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
Sex

How does Herpes leave the hospital?On crotches.
Sex

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge."Guilty or not guilty.""Not guilty," replied the man."On what grounds?" queried the judge."I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."
Sex

How do you know when you have a serious overbite?When beaver starts tasting like shit.
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Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you!Girl: Why thank you!Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!
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Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
Sex

How does a women hold her liquor?By the ears.
Sex

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Sex

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"
Sex

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing"
Sex

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride withno experience.On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed upand started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,they start exploring each other's bodies.Things are going fine until the bride discovers herhusband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?""Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".\She slides her hands further down and gasps."Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks."Honey, them's my knots", he answers.Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?Am I hurting you?""No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots.I need more rope!"
Sex

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."Sent by soh
Sex

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."
Sex

How do you know you're leading a sad life?When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Sex

What is the definition of an overbite?When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit.
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How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo
Sex

It has been determined that having sex before participatingin athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does notimpair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have knownand displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glanceat their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Sex

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?" She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Sex

An old sailor goes to a brothel,where he chooses his girl and begins."How am I doing?" He asks."Three knots," she replies."Three knots? What's that mean?""You're not hard, you're not in,and you're not getting your money back."
Sex

What is pink and moist and split in the middle?A grapefruit!
Sex

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room,what's the first thing to hang out?The DO NOT DISTURB sign!
Sex

Why is pubic hair curly?If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
Sex

Why is sex like money in the bank?Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.Sent by Annette
Sex

There was a young girl called Anna,Who was rather good with a spanner.A boy gave her a knock,So she grabbed his big cock,And he now has a whole different manner!Sent by Louise
Sex

What is the Australian for foreplay?Brace yourself, Sheila!And the Welsh?Are you awake, Gwen?
Sex

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?Darling.
Sex

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie wentstraight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmotherand comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells wouldstart to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Sex

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing herfull lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his softmurmurs of assurance.He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothlyreleased her from her constraining attire. With a sigh ofsurrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldlytaking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that hadgone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasywas within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been madeonly for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she methis steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it againand again and again............DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
Sex

What do you call someone who fucks kids in the ass?A backdoor pedofile!
Sex

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?""It's over here in the pussy willows."The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Sex

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked."No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
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Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees herson coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks alittle further and kicks a cow. Once inside, hismother says, "I saw what you did, young man! Forkicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, andfor kicking the cow, no milk for a week."Just at that moment, the boy's father walks throughthe door and boots the cat halfway across the room.The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wannatell him, or should I ?"
Sex

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It'sreally taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
Sex

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and Gare the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out whatthe letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!{A} - Almost Boobs...{B} - Barely there.{C} - Can't Complain!{D} - Damn!{DD} - Double damn!{E} - Enormous!{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!{F} - Fake.
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One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?""Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and thenuse any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off yourdress and you'll have fantastic s*x!""What should I do?" asked Gloria.Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
Sex

What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Firetruck
Sex

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do. What am I?A Tent
Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Sex

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
Sex

A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: "Use it on every conceivable occasion."
Sex

Definition of bad lover:An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
Sex

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!
Sex

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?- Hundred dollars, as usual.
Sex

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?To put your gum in on the way down.
Sex

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.""Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
Sex

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Sex

A question for Bill Clinton:"What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?""She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"
Sex

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like ayoung girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man andasks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says."90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?""Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
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