Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
Ethnic

State of Arkansas Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Ethnic

Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________Address (where you live):Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________Birthdate(yours):____________________Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )(Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( ) Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( ) Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( ) Inhaled( )Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
Ethnic

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with atribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write andgood Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil ofsexual sin. ?Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!?One day the wife of one of the Tribe?s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with themissionary.You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman givesbirth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot inour village. Anyone can see what?s going on here!?The missionary replies, ?No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What youhave here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thyyonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one blackone. Nature does this on occasion.?The chief pauses for a moment then says, ?Tell you what, you don?t sayanything about the sheep, I won?t say anything about the white baby.?
Ethnic

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeingtour with a very rich African king who was a very importantclient. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretaryis quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way todissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry youunder three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-caratdiamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "Noproblem!! I have. I have."Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "Iwant you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, Iwant a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone andcalls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nodshis head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows thatshe'd better make this a good one. She takes her time tothink and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squintsher eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, Iwant the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and restshis elbows on the table, all the while muttering in Africandialect.Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, lookingreally sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. Icut."
Ethnic

How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?Most satisfactory!
Ethnic

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by."So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
Ethnic

For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God ! No more of those freezing Russian winters."
Ethnic

Application to Live in KentuckyName:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________Mamma:_________________________Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark RedNumber of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________Truck equipped with:____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting RifleNumber of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____BUMPER STICKERS:____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle AssociationDefine the following (must be 90% correct):1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. ChitlinsFavorite Vocalist:____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car WillieFavorite Recreation:____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____OtherName of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____DukeName of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____DaisyWeapons Owned:___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry SwitchNumber of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird DawgCap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear ___N.R.A. ___Redman ____KodiakNumber of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________Memberships:___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy___John Birch SocietyLength of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color ofPrimer Red? ___Yes ___NoHow many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________Are you married to any of the following:____Sister ____Cousin ____SowDo you know her name?________________Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________If so, why?______________________________________________________________Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ To 21 with your fly up?_____________________Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________Medical Information:Do you have at least two of the following:___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___ChafingIF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BEELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARESLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.
Ethnic

State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4 MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot SAR SAR SAR SAR CM Wangs CM BDI's CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet LIB LIB LIB LIB MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice
Ethnic

Language Trends of the FutureThere are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and inall likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in thefuture.In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. Allconsonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leavingonly an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred fromfacial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrateto Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all othervocabularies, but the spelling will be original.Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all otheralphabets in the world.The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latinalphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translatingRussian into Polish.Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plusa verb at the end, of course.[From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com]
Ethnic

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.""The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"
Ethnic

Chinese SubtitlesFrom a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiledby Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet inthe Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June1996.I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.Gun wounds again?Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!You daring lousy guy.Beat him out of recognizable shape!I have been scared shitless too much lately.I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.How can you use my intestines as a gift?The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
Ethnic

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle EastAKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe. Regards, MPAGE@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca BCSC / DNS
Ethnic

The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:Can I help you?Kin ah hip ewe?Hi, I'm Don Fowler.Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i.For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics andBubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement inBubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.I axed you a question, sukka.Ah be smaht.I be smarts now.Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school.And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.
Ethnic

Sorry Texans....A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned tohis office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of hiscoyotes was caught in a trap."How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma gamewarden."Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off threeof his legs and he's still trapped!"
Ethnic

Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The twoin the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned -they couldn't get the tailgate open!
Ethnic

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
Ethnic

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a smalltown. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use herposition to try to influence the new student. She asks theclass, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washingtonwas the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Fatherof our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a goodanswer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I thinkAbraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because hefreed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that'sanother good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I thinkJesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." Theteacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up tothe front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as heis licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it'sMoses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
Ethnic

The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma:An empty greyhound.
Ethnic

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
Ethnic

How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?With a Crowbar!!!!!
Ethnic

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?He enters a duck.How can you tell if a Pole is present? He bets money on the duck.How can you tell if an Italian is present?The duck wins.
Ethnic

Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his motherthought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.
Ethnic

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.
Ethnic

Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, - I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied.
Ethnic

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street."Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".
Ethnic

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street."Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?". "Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week.""So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?".
Ethnic

Out All Night Drinking An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Ethnic

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
Ethnic

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Ethnic

You know what that little red dot means in the middle of an Indian woman's forehead? ............................"Coffee's ready."
Ethnic

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afforda larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told himthat he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beercan, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
Ethnic

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three hugh back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won..............................................................
Ethnic

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Ethnic

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
Ethnic

A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back, "CHING...CHANG...CHUN..." The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on. "Oh", said the chinee, "magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters". "Wow", said the negro, "can I try it?". "Certainly", replied the chinaman. The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back "CHIM...PAN...ZEE...."
Ethnic

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt.then let it go,"Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."
Ethnic

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father." "No." "Was it Rosie Kelly?" "No." "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?" "No." "Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven." When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
Ethnic

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog- style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!"
Ethnic

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket. The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles." The American woman says, "That big?" The Iranian woman says, No...that dirty."
Ethnic

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"
Ethnic

Cold Hands There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she say's "my hands are really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them between your legs, that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The next day the girl is riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are cold, so the girl say's, "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and his hands get warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy. The day after that he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between my legs and warm it up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she asks, "Mom have you ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She says I don't know what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
Ethnic

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
Ethnic

Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a Brit and an belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled "Women and children first". The American said "Screw the women and children" and the Belgian answered "Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?"
Ethnic

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names"? His father said: "When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking"?
Ethnic

Last Lunch Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20 story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, " Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The third worker is polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed him a different lunch!" The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my husband a different lunch!" The polish workers wife isn't crying at all so the other two wives confront her. "Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"
Ethnic

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?" "Don't know collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "Don't know, has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off."What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put in teepee." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. "Don't know deposit." "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
Ethnic

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?""So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Ethnic

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?""Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Ethnic

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No," says Carlos. Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No," says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"
Ethnic

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Ethnic

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
Ethnic

A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when agood-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver andcheese in a sentence can have me". So the white guy says"I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough." The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's notcreative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."
Ethnic

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.So the Italian shot her.
Ethnic

How do you know Monica Lewinsky is Jewish?If she wasn't,she wouldn't have stained her dress.
Ethnic

Q: Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?A: The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.
Ethnic

Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-starttheir new submarine.
Ethnic

Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who wereordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second nightout on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail,looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really startingto unwind. Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into theocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailingaway from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he hadmanaged to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperatelytreading water. "Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?""Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "Vat a time totalk business!"
Ethnic

A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to adinner. He then stands up to thank everyone. "First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, thenI want to thank my children, and the lottery commission." "Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone wassilent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said,"For the winning numbers".
Ethnic

A Chinese man is making love to his wife. He whispers in her ear,"Baby, I wanna' 69!"She gives him a strange look and replies, "You want Beef and Broccoli NOW?"
Ethnic

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with asign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How inthe world does that fit in here?"So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sittingin the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this placeget a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man answers "Is name of owner."The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?""I am he," answers the old man."You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, Iwas standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of mewas big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" Hesay, " Hans Olaffsen." She look at me say, "What your name?" I say,"Sam Ting."
Ethnic

How do you circumcise a redneck?Kick his sister in the chin.
Ethnic

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when anunfortunate incident occurred.Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toiletfor the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.When she sat, she kept going!She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammedinto the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up infront of her.She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour trieddesperately to extricate her.In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left hernaked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominentlyvisible between her splayed legs.Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber,despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they werewalking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife wasexposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing hecould think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposedprivates.The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
Ethnic

Why can't black women become nuns?They can't say superior after mother.
Ethnic

What did the mongoloid say to his dog?Downsyndrome!!
Ethnic

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
Ethnic

Why don't mexicans have barbeques?the beans keep slipping through the grill.
Ethnic

why did Santa Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo?he only had 2 cars.
Ethnic

So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a buildingand this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the whiteguy asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands afteryou pee?"And the Mexican guy replies, "Because we Mexicans don't piss inour hands"
Ethnic

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral?One less drunk.
Ethnic

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes toAustin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.We give you a million today, and then you'll get the restspread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHTnow! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get amillion that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, IWANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
Ethnic

Q: How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having theirperiod?A: Their son's dicks taste funny!
Ethnic

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. Heputs his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at hismother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hardon the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into theliving room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps himon the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boygoes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." Sheslaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says"Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his headand says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutesand I already hate you black people".
Ethnic

Question: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Answer: Two Mennonite!
Ethnic

How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia? - Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".
Ethnic

Why can't you circumcise Iranians? - There's no end to those pricks.
Ethnic

What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner? Reservations.
Ethnic

The first Jewish woman President is elected.She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections,you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.""I don't know, what would I wear?""Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker""But I only eat kosher food""Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food""But how will I get there?""I'll send a limo, just come mama""Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme CourtJustices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentlemanon her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"..."Her brother's a doctor!"
Ethnic

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go!
Ethnic

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his namelegally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked"Can i help you sir?"Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name.""What is your current name?" asked the clerk."Martin Arsehole," replied the man.The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want achange. What would you like your new name to be?""Tim."
Ethnic

What do you call a gay Indian? A brave sucker!
Ethnic

What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Ethnic

What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track? The Indy 500.
Ethnic

How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet.
Ethnic

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa? They couldn't find three wise men!!!Sent by Spencer
Ethnic

What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?A canoe tips.....Sent by deadcatz
Ethnic

What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist.
Ethnic

What is New Jersey's state bird? The common House Fly.
Ethnic

What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop? An 'Amish' drive-by shooting
Ethnic

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questionedhis client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?""Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?""No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first outof bed."Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in forunnatural connubial practices?""Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything aboutthe connubial."Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out arewhat grounds you have.""Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.""Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for youseeking this divorce?""Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold anintelligent conversation."
Ethnic

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someonespoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffledfigure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandagesand adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaningon a crutch."Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or didye merely jump from the trestle?""It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel ofit. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphyhimself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me.""He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?""Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thingin itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
Ethnic

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin'three whiskeys."Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy,it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It'scelebratin', you are."Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebratingme first blow job."Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar."Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself,here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebrationwith you."Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won'teither."
Ethnic

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? - Quattro Sink-o
Ethnic

How does a Russian commit suicide? He smells his armpit How does an American commit suicide? He tells this joke to a Russian.
Ethnic

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself.
Ethnic

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team? Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.
Ethnic

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time wasbeing wined and dined by the State Department. The GrandEmir was unused to the salt in American foods (frenchfries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantlysending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with aglass of water, but then came the time when he returnedempty-handed."Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"demanded the Grand Emir."A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered thewretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Ethnic

Two Texan are sitting in a small town bar, where one braggedto the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town,except my mother and my sister." "Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
Ethnic

A Polish family is sitting in the living room.The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck."
Ethnic

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
Ethnic

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves andengage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind themignores their conversation at first, but her attention isgalvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together.I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come againand pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.""You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "Inthis country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun myfriend howa to spella Mississippi."
Ethnic

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?
Ethnic

What is the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? 'Hey y'all... Watch this!'
Ethnic

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Ethnic

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield whenwe made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment thenasked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Ethnic

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hillin the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lasssaid, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, buthe finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be ifye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he againlapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lassto ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
Ethnic

What's the definition of a Jewish nyphomaniac? One that screws when she's just had her hair done.
Ethnic

What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky sex? She moves.
Ethnic

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they couldrow the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly lastthat long, that there was only one solution to the problem and thatone of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that hewould volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumpedoverboard and sank without trace.
Ethnic

What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?A white one starts off with "Once upon a time...".A black one starts off with "Yo ass ain't gonna believe dis shit..."
Ethnic

Why don't Mexicans teach driver's Ed. and Sex Education on the same day? Because they don't want to wear out the donkey.
Ethnic

Why does the University of Tennesse footballteam wear orange to all their Saturday games? So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday.
Ethnic

How do you sink a Polish submarine? You knock on the door.
Ethnic

Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.Sent by Lou
Ethnic

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. Aftera while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
Ethnic

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."He says, "Vy?"They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"She says, "Yes?"He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
Ethnic

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report anyactivities that might develop. A few days later,he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee.Sent by Marina
Ethnic

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by atheater patron during his show. The hick stands up andyells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-assremarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!We're not all stupid ya know!""Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!""Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to thatlittle bastard sitting on your knee!"
Ethnic

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
Ethnic

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?A: It saves time in the long run.
Ethnic

Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?A: To meet chicks.
Ethnic

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?A: Mace.
Ethnic

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Ethnic

Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversyon when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is notconsidered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Ethnic

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck whenit starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawlsunderneath to investigate the problem."Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a MonkeyWrench." He says.He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Offin the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman andseveral small black children playing in the yard.The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have MonkeyWrench?""What?" She yells back."A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams."What?""MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?""Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"
Ethnic

How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb?It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!
Ethnic

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other."No they're this dirty."
Ethnic

There's these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what's the matter.1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is.2nd Irishman: Oh, that's easy, it's 147.1st Irishman: No no no, that can't be right. How about you, Fergus, do you know what 2 plus 2 is?3rd Irishman: Hmmm ... could it be Wednesday, perhaps?1st Irishman: No no no, that doesn't sound right either. How about you Pat, do you know?4th Irishman: Simple, the answer is 4.1st Irishman: Of course! How did you work it out?!4th Irishman: Aha, that's where brains come in! I subtracted 147 from Wednesday!
Ethnic

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg."Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Ethnic

Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?""I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb."You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein."I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It's fantastic. I go into the men's room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag."What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein."Oh, well, not everybody gives."
Ethnic

How do a jewish couple have oral sex?... "SET AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BED AND YELL SCREW YOU TO ONE AND OTHER"Sent by Ivan
Ethnic

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of hiswarriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "BigChief, no shit". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chiefshould be fine tomorrow.The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morningthe warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet againsaying "big chief, no shit". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives thewarrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):"Big shit, no chief".
Ethnic

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, andby accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion gothim out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearesthospital."Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?" "It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if youhadn't gutted him first."
Ethnic

Q: Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?A: So they push back harder.
Ethnic

Q: Where do you find 60 million french jokes?A: In France.
Ethnic

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up.While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."
Ethnic

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian."She wailed."How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked."I had to help him," the girl replied.
Ethnic

Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by?.swallowing 100 pain killers?A: After two he began to feel better.
Ethnic

Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
Ethnic

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?A: A fur coat.
Ethnic

Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?Because the little propellers cost extra!
Ethnic

Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?A: With a crowbar.
Ethnic

An Australian joke...St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's stroll up."Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says.In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and Godtells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.St Peter takes his leave. 5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone"God says "the Abo's? Good". and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!".
Ethnic

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After onother while the irishman approaces her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?. she says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.
Ethnic

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.His mate asked him what it was like."Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you homeand fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, theylet you fuck their women whenever you want.""Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australianswere real pricks.""Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"
Ethnic

This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down a sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:, "I want to be white and surrounded by cunt."In an instant he is turned into a tampon.Now the morale of this story is:Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.
Ethnic

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Ethnic

Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish & half Italian?He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
Ethnic

What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night?A new last name.
Ethnic

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.
Ethnic

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?They all gather around their cash registers and sing"What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."
Ethnic

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
Ethnic

What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's assholeto make her squeal with delight? Give him a raise.
Ethnic

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,?"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
Ethnic

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?A: It seats 500.
Ethnic

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Ethnic

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
Ethnic

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...thebartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!
Ethnic

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.
Ethnic

What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?Drool.
Ethnic

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over tointerview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook."But I'm not from New York" the boy replies."I'm visiting from Kentucky!"The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"Redneck bastard kills family pet".
Ethnic

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?3 dollars a year for a million years.
Ethnic

A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from thecity, what do you guys do around here?"The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."
Ethnic

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship."Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scotwinked at his mate."Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
Ethnic

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
Ethnic

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. "What part?" the mother asked."I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied. "Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"
Ethnic

Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common? A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...
Ethnic

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up insuch a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?" Sent by Yasha
Ethnic

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet headingover the Pacific Ocean,Suddenly, a Message is announced,"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late""Damn!" Said the Irishman,10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,We`ll be 1 hour late"20 mins later,"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up hereall day!!"
Ethnic

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt."Reach up there and find out."She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!""Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand backup there, it'll grow some more!"
Ethnic

Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?A: They put parking meters on the roof!
Ethnic

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?A: Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.
Ethnic

That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternallove triangle.They ate the sheep.
Ethnic

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at thesame time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boyreceives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boysare showing each other what they got. They each liked what theother one got, so, they traded.That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees himlooking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks theman. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The fatherblows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!""Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe sommaday you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed withanother man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch andsay, `How longa you gonna be?'"
Ethnic

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mickreplies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."
Ethnic

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?In England they say"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
Ethnic

Q: What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!
Ethnic

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard."Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.""That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!""What was his name?" asks Paddy.Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Ethnic

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a PolishMeatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter andasked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.""Probably, " replied the clerk."And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs,would you also insult him?""Probably," the clerk again replied."Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody notlike you?"At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
Ethnic

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?Everyone has the same DNA.
Ethnic

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SONDearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men triedto pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Love, Mom
Ethnic

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure ifmy future bride is a virgin or not."His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need issome red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red andone ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those arethe funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
Ethnic

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin.Three: Pee.Four: Push back your foreskin.Five: Put your equipment back."The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!""Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"
Ethnic

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: "Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll giveyou two dollars. Everybody wins."
Ethnic

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problemof one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and Icould not help interrupting. "Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor ofJewish girls marrying Gentile boys." "Why?" chorused the women. And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the badluck?"
Ethnic

Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their "standards." So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the best car, wear the classiest suits, etc. He even hires Professor Henry Higgins to educate him in the proper speech and behavior.The big day arrives. Martin James Roget arrives at the country club forhis interview. "Tea?" the interviewer asks. "Earl Grey, hot please." "Hobbies?" "Polo, racket ball, hunting." "Religion?" "Goy."
Ethnic

What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?A Mechanic.
Ethnic

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. Amoment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm aprofessional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundreddollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, andI'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.""I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.""Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?""Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish,I was hoping you would give me a discount.""Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twentypercent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making anyprofit!"
Ethnic

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.""That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?""No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
Ethnic

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying outa circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they hearda scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet."What's this," she asked."Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
Ethnic

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.""You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Ethnic

How come nobody from Mexico is ever in the olympics?Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.Sent by Paul
Ethnic

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."
Ethnic

Q: Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant? A: No one wanted to stand up and say. . .Idaho...
Ethnic

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor "Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and says "Big fart no Chief!"
Ethnic

Q: What do the Chinese call a 69????A: Two can chew!!
Ethnic

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?" he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.
Ethnic

Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?A: Oil of Ole'
Ethnic

Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue?A: Because the rice falls through the grill
Ethnic

What do you call Toys R' Us in the hood?We B Toyz N' Shit
Ethnic

A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"
Ethnic

Do you know why there aren't any ice cubes in Poland?The inventor died and took the recipe with him.
Ethnic

Ever hear of the redneck who thought that "Manual Labor" was the new Mexican President?
Ethnic

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?It opens on impact.
Ethnic

What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico?"Attention K-Mart shoppers..."
Ethnic

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious),"So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?"I study the Torah," he replies."But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?""No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide.""But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz."No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
Ethnic

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?100 way to wok your dog.
Ethnic

English: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, so just sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight, we'll be arriving atour destination in 20 minutes, and I expect no delays. Enjoy the rest of your flight. Ebonics: Ebonia Airlines Dis be yo' main man, we be chillin at tray-five -o, if you be flexin get up off yo ass and shake that thang, my homey be killin the man's opression if you wanna smoke chronic, just hang loose blood, them bitches be cruizin on up with some forty-ounce 8-ball, so stop trippin and sit your ass back down, we be in the hood in no time afterall, i be bumpin switches all da' way. Peace out!
Ethnic

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.
Ethnic

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?""Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
Ethnic

What do Arabs do on saturday night?They sit under palm trees and eat their dates.
Ethnic

Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottomed boats?So they can see the old Polish Navy!
Ethnic

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled."Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger."If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"
Ethnic

What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a dog?An Iraqi.
Ethnic

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Ethnic

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by theMaitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait."Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles andsays, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
Ethnic

Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?Well God found plenty of guys who liked to deal with sheep, but he could'nt find three wise men or a virgin.Sent by Johnny
Ethnic

What goes: Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clipidy Clop Clipidy Clop?An Amish drive-by shooting.
Ethnic

How does every ethnic joke start?By looking over your shoulder.
Ethnic

Jewish telegram: ?Begin worrying. Details to follow.?
Ethnic

Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?A: A trip to Israel.
Ethnic

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Ethnic

Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?A: He breaks his nose.
Ethnic

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible ishappening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she'spoisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoketo your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Youwant my advice?"The man anxiously says, "Yes.""Take the poison," says the Rabbi
Ethnic

What's the object of a Jewish football game?To get the quarter back!
Ethnic

How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?There's dandruff on his/her shoes.
Ethnic

You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.
Ethnic

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.
Ethnic

What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?A shepherd.
Ethnic

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?They had reservations.
Ethnic

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying tothe Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some verybad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this planewill be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island belowus that should be able to accommodate our landing. This islandappears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. Sothe odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to liveon the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of ourlives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we payour pledge to the Yeshiva yet?""No Morris!" she responded.Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?""Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"Now Morris laughs."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this month?""Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"
Ethnic

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?""Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."The son says, "Why are you so weak?"She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filledwith food if you should call."
Ethnic

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?A: Facing Bloomingdales
Ethnic

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, itwas announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah willmerge.An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.While details were not available at press time, it is believed that theoverhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milkingbeing the hardest hit.As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," themessage on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Clausand his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least threehundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. Abreakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain thecompetitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading allpresent in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
Ethnic

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who onSabbath eve announces to the congregation that he willnot renew his contract and is moving on to a largercongregation that will pay him more.There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands upand announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him witha new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds.Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of hischildren!!"More sighs and applause.Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,whatever possessed you to say that?"Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what wecould contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,'Fuck the rabbi.'"
Ethnic

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn'tgo well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to comeand live with you and your wife...."
Ethnic

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." Sent by Jesse
Ethnic

What's the Arkansas state motto?If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family.Sent by Mike
Ethnic

If you take an Oriental person and spin himaround several times, does he become disoriented?
Ethnic

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
Ethnic

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Ethnic

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry."I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
Ethnic

Long, but pretty good:On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ... One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Ethnic

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Ourengines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I amunable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never berescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if notfor the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely onthe island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, didwe pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,"So what are you smiling and laughing about?Morris responds, "They'll find us."
Ethnic

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."Sent by Renata
Ethnic

Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England of a visit."Do you have anything to declare?" asked the customs inspector."No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all.""How long do you plan to stay?""Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks.""By the way, where did you learn English?""From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio."
Ethnic

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?
Ethnic

My mother is a typical Jewish mother.Once she was on jury duty. . .They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Ethnic

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. Hisfather took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. Youbring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut andthen we'll talk about it."After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father ifthey could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father'sstudy where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You havebrought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
Ethnic

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in NewYork.She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to awealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant!Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollablywhile her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mothercharged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What'sgoing to be?"The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his midthirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'mmaking all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctormoney can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she willreceive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother wastaken aback and thought for a moment."Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"
Ethnic

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl? - "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"
Ethnic

What is long, black, and smelly? - The unemployment line.
Ethnic

What do true rednecks do on Halloween? - Pump kin.
Ethnic

After months of negotiation with the authorities, aTalmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visitMoscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.At the next stop a young man got on and sat next tohim. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if heisn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewishbecause this is, after all, a Jewish district. On theother hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission totravel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow thereis a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't needspecial permission to go there. But why would he begoing to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one ofthe Jewish families there, but how many Jewishfamilies are there in Samvet? Only two - theBernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are aterrible family, and a nice looking fellow like himmust be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he'stheir son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughterdid he marry? They say that Sarah married a nicelawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessmanfrom Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Whichmeans that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm notmistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all theanti-Semitism they have there, he must have changedhis name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, hemust have some special status. What could it be? Adoctorate from the University for sure. At this pointthe scholar turns to the young man and says, "How doyou do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startledpassenger. But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
Ethnic

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight? You're going out? Yes. With whom? With a friend. I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man. I didn't leave him. He left me! You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies. I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? I never left you to go out with anybody except your father. There are lots of things that you did and I don't. What are you hinting at? Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight. You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out? My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone! So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place? He's not a loser. A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite. I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? Poor children with such a mother. Such as what? With no stability. No wonder your husband left you. ENOUGH !!! Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! Now you're worried about the loser? Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately. Goodbye, mother. Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out! If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Ethnic

What do Germans use for birth control?Their personalities!
Ethnic

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and nextmorning found out that she was six months pregnant.
Ethnic

Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?
Ethnic

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick,tick'?'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'
Ethnic

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?Anorexic
Ethnic

What did Arafat say to Clinton?"Sheep don't talk, my friend."
Ethnic

Why do they call it a "kilt"?Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Ethnic

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians whointroduced it to women."
Ethnic

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of serviceby sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying onthe bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that thepresident of the board arranged for you."The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theTemple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's yourrespect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this."The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her andsays, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
Ethnic