There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up withred,green,& yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at,eh? Didn't you doanything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son.
Dirty Jokes

Theres an old man laying on the beach nakedand a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that.the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing aroundit is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around himhe asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you wentto sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.
Dirty Jokes

Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!
Dirty Jokes

What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.
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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie."Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby ? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself."Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"
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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student asked, "How much for a season pass?"
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, "What's in the bag?" The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?" The man says, "I don't know. Rub the lamp and see." So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, "You may have one wish."The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, "Your wish is granted," and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says, "I didn't wish for a million ducks." The man replies, "Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist."
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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.
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What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.
Dirty Jokes

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid," says the man. The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house." The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband." The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone "What do I do with the bodies?" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool." A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"
Dirty Jokes

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said."Anything, anything," said the ambassador."First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation."Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool."A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
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Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!""What did you do?" the other nuns asked."Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!""Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked."I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.The third nun fainted.
Dirty Jokes

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dirty Jokes

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl."Really?" said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?"The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it." Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out."Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant."The doctor nods knowlingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?"The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too!"
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Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth."Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar.""No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Dirty Jokes

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goeshee hee hee.The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.
Dirty Jokes

What's the speed limit of sex?68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around
Dirty Jokes

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex. Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw. Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."
Dirty Jokes

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, "Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down."So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, "Woo mama! What are those?"She says, "Those are my headlights." The kid says "Ahh."Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, "Woo mama! What is that?" and she replies back with, "That is my garage." The kid says "Ahh."The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap,he drops it. When he picks it up he says, "Woo daddy! What is that?" The father replies back, "That's my limousine."That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, "Sure, just don't look under the covers."Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says "Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!"
Dirty Jokes

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"
Dirty Jokes

A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.He asks the man at the counter, "Do you have any rooms available?"The man at the counter says, "Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes.""OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,"Ahh,that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,"Ahh,that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,"OUCH!!My dick!!"He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, "You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?"He said, "Yeah, how did you know? "The man at the counter said, "Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.
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A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation. The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."
Dirty Jokes

What's an Australian kiss?The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
Dirty Jokes

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Dirty Jokes