The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Computers

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've beenhaving some problems lately. I've been running the same version ofDrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all theGirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hearthat DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background modeand the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't findthe switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and itworks okay.Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timingincompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, butI thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. Aftermonths of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has hadexperience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enoughcache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a TokenRing to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, ituninstalled itself.Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs weresupposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virusanyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. Ivery cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSIprobe first and also installed a virus protection program. It workedokay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in mysystem. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 stillinstalled, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about thatautomatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend andcommunicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removalof both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still someproblems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscurelanguage I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think thereis too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desiredfunctionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked howGirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend toGirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version ofGirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a yearif you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, hehad to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One ofthe primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it camebundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocationmodule of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can doanything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came withMotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. Itold him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you tryto run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will deleteMSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.Any Ideas???
Computers

Pest-by-Modem Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations likeIMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to showthat they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand foranything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse toexplain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SOTHAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSOUSE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUTBEING HERE!!!!!!!*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling andpoint out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content oftheir messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"do it again. Continue until they go away.*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that itwon't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compressionprogram and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mailresponses like "Thanks."*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give themnames like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Takebets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so thathe can keep track of what's happening on the information SuperhighwayInternet.*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to anunrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in adiscussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observationthat those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an importantrole. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased aspeople write you threatening messages and instruct all other members toignore you.
Computers

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am?July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet theydidn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of amodem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone whenyou are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thoughtthe dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figuredit out by the sound.July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not thisinternet thing. I'm confused.July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this AmericaOnline stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is comparedto me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer butnothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'mconnected to America Online not usenet.July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUTNOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPSLOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARDAND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THEOTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARDKEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE IHEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CANANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEINTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKEABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERSGREW THAT LARGE.AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. IWAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. IWASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USEPROFANITY.AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHATA STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CANTHEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Itsprobably an extra feature that costs more money.August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted itto every newsgroup I could find.August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I willhave to work on it some more.August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a fewposts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of theearth. I wonder what an aol is.August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but Ican't find that group.August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet askingwhere the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kidnext door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he'slaughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont lethim come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know whythe rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirtystuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and theyused bad words.August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internetasking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my newsignature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want toread my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short storyIlike.August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. Itold him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Computers

The Numbers of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.But did you know that:660 - Approximate number of the BeastDCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast0.666 - Number of the Millibeast/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast1010011010 - Binary of the Beast6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast1-666 - Area code of the Beast00666 - Zip code of the Beast1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the BeastPhillips 666 - Gasoline of the BeastRoute 666 - Way of the Beast666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast666k - Retirement plan of the Beast666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the BeastWord 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beasti66686 - CPU of the Beast666i - BMW of the BeastDSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
Computers

Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less) wellloved throughout the computerindustry.There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little-known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers.For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages -and why they are obscure - Ipresent the following catalog.SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot's Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment.This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements aretherefore confined to BEGIN-END-and STOP. No matter how youarrange the statements you can'tmake a syntax error.Programs written in SIMPLE donothing useful.Thus they achievethe results of programs writtenin other languages without thetedious frustrating process oftesting and debugging.SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best knownfor the speed or lack of it ofits compiler. Although manycompilers allow you to take acoffee break while they compileSLOBOL compilers allow you to takea trip to Bolivia to pick up thecoffee. Forty-three programmersare known to have died of boredomsitting at their terminals whilewaiting for a SLOBOL program tocompile.Weary SLOBOL programmers often turnto a related (but infinitely faster) language...COCAINE.VALGOL ... (With special thanks toDan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)- From its modest beginnings insouthern California's SanFernando Valley VALGOL is enjoyinga dramatic surge of popularityacross the industry.VALGOL commands include REALLY-LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variablesare assigned with the =LIKE and=TOTALLY operators.Other operatorsinclude the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions ofcode are handled in FOR-SURE loops.Here is a sample VALGOL program. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START. %% IF. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX. 4K (FERSURE)**2. 18 THEN. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2). 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT). -17 SURE. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM. ? REALLY. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)VALGOL is characterized by itsunfriendly error messages. Forexample when the user makes asyntax error the interpreterdisplays the message GAG ME WITHA SPOON!LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL isa derivative of LAIDBACK whichwas developed at the (now defunct)Marin County Center for T'ai ChiMellowness and ComputerProgramming as an analternative to themore intense atmosphere in nearbysilicon valley. The center wasideal for programmers who liked tosoak in hot tubs while theyworked. Unfortunately fewprogrammers could survive therefor long since the center outlawedpizza and RC Cola in favor of beancurd and Perrier.Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACKbecause its reputation as agentle and nonthreatening language.For example LAIDBACK responded tosyntax errors with the messageSORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.SARTRE ... Named after the lateexistential philosopher.SARTRE isan extremely unstructuredlanguage. Statements in SARTRE haveno purpose they are just there.Thus SARTRE programs are left todefine their own functions.SARTRE programmers tend to beboring and depressed and are nofun at parties.FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precisionmathematical language in whichthe data types refer to quantity.The data types range from CC-OUNCE-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH(hence the name of the language)LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.Commands refer to ingredientssuch as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCHand WHATEVERSAROUND.The many versions of the FIFTHlanguage reflect the sophisticationand financial status of its users.Commands in the ELITE dialectinclude VSOP and LAFITE whilecommands in the GUTTER dialectinclude HOOTCH and RIPPLE.The latter is a favorite offrustrated FORTH programmers whoend up using the language.C-...This language was namedfor the grade received by itscreater when he submitted itas a class project in agraduate programming class.C- is best described as a'Low Level' programminglanguage.In fact the languagegenerally requires more C-statements than machine-codestatements to execute a giventask. In this respect itis very similar to COBOL.LITHP ... This otherwiseunremarkable language isdistinguished by the absenceof an "s" in its character set.Programmers and users mustsubstitute"TH". LITHP is said tobe useful in prothething lithtth.DOGO ... Developed at theMassachussettes Institute ofObedience Training. DOGO heraldsa new era of computer literatepets. DOGO commands include SITSTAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. Aninnovative feature of DOGO is'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a smallcocker spaniel occasionally leavesa deposit as he travels acrossthe screen.
Computers

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner.He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.
Computers

Process-Oriented God If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day. And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good. And evening and morning were the second day. And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive. And evening and morning were the third day. And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply. And so ended the fourth day. And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic. And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives. On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings. On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image. And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .
Computers

God and the ComputerIn the beginning there was the computer. And God typed: %>Let there be light! #Please login. %>login God #Password?. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven_and_earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %>Create dry_land #Done. %>Run dry_land #And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %>Create sun_moon_stars #Done %>Run sun_moon_stars #And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %>Create fish #Done %>Create fowl #Done %>Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. #And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %>Create cattle #Done %>Create creepy_things #Done %>Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %>Create man #Done %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %>Insert breath #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %>Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %>Create Garden.edn #Done %>Move man to Garden.edn #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. %>Copy woman from man #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %>Create desire #Done %>Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %>Create freewill #Done %>Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors. %>Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %>Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors. %>Create good, evil #Done %>Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %>Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %>Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %>Break %>Break %>Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. %>Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %>Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N) %>Y #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, #MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM #Please login. %>login God #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION #USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN #SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE %>NEW #PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM %>God #NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME %>who is God #God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE #And NEW logged off
Computers

The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is verydangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your harddrive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that areeven close to your computer. It will recalibrate yourrefrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goesmelty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your creditcards, screw up the tracking on your television and usesubspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try toplay. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. Itwill mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink allyour beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table whencompany comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the backpocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys whenyou are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. Itwill give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will poursugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrowswhile dating your girlfriend behind your back and billingthe dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter ifshe is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches outbeyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so youcan't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leavelibidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifyingto behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leavethe toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetaminein your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stovewhile it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your newsnowblower.
Computers

Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest andgreatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for thedudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable Ccode involves the use of a few simple defines.#define like {#define man ;}#define an ;#define SayBro /*#define CheckItOut */SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOutlike a = b an c = dmanSayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOutlike SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but ina readable form.CheckItOut man#define YoDude for(#define OK )#define is =#define AND &&#define as#define Do#define long#define some#define make#define garbage#define FAROUTshell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOutint v[], n;like int gap, i, j, temp;YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some garbage an make j -= gap OK like temp is v[j] an v[j] is v[j+gap] an v[j+gap] is temp manFAROUT manSayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOut
Computers

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male#define HEIGHT 1.84#define MASS 68#define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h"#include "father.h" #infndef FATHER#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")#include "bastard.h"#endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */#include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;#endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;#endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);=== ...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
Computers

Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch: You Decide __________ | ______ | ________ | | | || ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | ||| || comparison. People | |______| |||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | || o o | | _ _ _ _ _||________| (|__________|\ | ________)_Roger Earl [^] | |roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,similar to the other great computer wars. Etch-A-Sketch Mac ClassicNo. of Colours 2 2Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342No. of buttons 2 1Preemptive Multitasking Yes NoHardware line draw Yes NoPrice < $20 ~ $1000Power Consumption No YesLaptop Yes NoSlow Operating System No YesNon Volatile Memory Yes NoChoice of Coloured box Yes NoRobust design (shakeable) Yes NoAfter considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that theEtch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in factbe faster than the true E-A-S.
Computers

The Story of Micro and MiniMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-bandprotocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,even if it meant time-sharing.One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked hisMotorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), whenhe noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in hisgarden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'dlike an update tonight."Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL anda Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all overthe place.He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floatingpoint processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," sheresponded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console overher curvilinear functions.Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," hesaid, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byteto eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I'vebeen dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh mydisks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. Shewalked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what aglobal variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips anda bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguousarguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, hewas analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. Hefinally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" butMini was again one step ahead.Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the fullfunctionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processorof it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up thatMicro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as sheprepared to log him off.Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened herdevice files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed rootdevice and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted anescape sequence ...."No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded.""Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged.""But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support childprocesses," she protested."Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt.""No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Minisoon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep."Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of isHEX."
Computers

Millennia Year Application Software System This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Computers

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans by John CarneyFrom: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)To: allusers@rome.orgCC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)Attachments: noneSubject: general teachingAlso posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and diskspace charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,so I'll have to keep this short. :)IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness of men. }:>U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because ofthe customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM norGateway, Tandy nor Compaq.None of us is righteous. As King David wrote: KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeksKD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his KD> favorite game program for a friend.But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*righteousness.But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spiritgives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit tothe authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Payfor shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flamesomebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause yourfellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch outfor those R- and X-rated .GIF files. I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on thecouch. CUL8er. :) XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}--------------John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, amagazine of religious satire and commentary.
Computers

The PC Manifesto V3.0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don't worry, that's not important. Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Handicapped - Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Whaler - Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted - People of Mass - Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East - Asia Censorship - Selective Speech B.C. - B.C.E. Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books - Recycled Books Berkeley - Mecca Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult - Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China - Porcelain Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) --------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
Computers

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," thewoman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the womansaid, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "footpedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated devicethat helps to control the computer's operations.[boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers saythat as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partlybecause of the volume of calls, some computer companies have startedcharging help-line users. [boring stuff deleted] John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Conturawould not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something tohappen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, sheasked, 'What power switch?'" Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people havecalled to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on thescreen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technicalsupport supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hardto control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be theplastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschangsays one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because themouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface. Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan saysa customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from hisold diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed todiagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done withthe diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,roll it into the typewriter..." At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request thatshe send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customerarrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And atDell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back inthe drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," thecustomer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut thedoor to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive. The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dellcustomer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the manwas trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitorscreen and hitting the "send" key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dellechnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got mecouple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was asoftware store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find acouple of geeks." Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damagingparts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that hiskeyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, andthen removing all the keys and washing them individually. Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, sayshe once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him hewas bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking onthe role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, whoonce worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domesticfight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after theman had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background. There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if ithappens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dellevery time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walkhim through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feelinguplifted by the process.
Computers

Definition of ProgrammerProgrammer:A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
Computers

Software Development Process1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team2) Announce availability3) Write the code4) Write the manual5) Hire a Product Manager6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)7) Ship8) Test (the customers are a big help here)9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements10) Announce the upgrade program
Computers

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window.The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER".The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer".
Computers

USENET ParodyNo no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to changea lightbulb?A1. Define "change"A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive tolarge sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take itelsewhere.A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.A6. Well, that's because you're a twit.A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit?A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talkabout lightbulb fans instead of flaming?A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what topost or not post.A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou,Libertarian Party Candidate for President?A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!A17. What "stuff" pray tell?A18. Yikes! It's dark in here!A19. Define "dark".A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.A21. So change it.A22. Define "change"...
Computers

Virus AlertThere is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated throughthe email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUSALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scramblesthe second half of every text file on your system.VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!
Computers

Is Windows a Virus?No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So, Windows is *not* a virus.
Computers

Glossary Terms-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Software Engineering Glossary of Product TerminologyNEW: Different colors from previous version.ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0
Computers

Microsoft Market Penetration-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating everyaspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, asuite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsofthas been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. Itbelieves these technologies will give it substantial leverage inpenetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need forvirus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure thenon-propagation of life.The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in thepackage. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, forprofessionals in the sexual services sector.Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatorychannels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will beknown as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install thepackage. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimumhardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs andis sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. Afterinstallation, operation commences. One caution is that the user musthave sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session iscomplete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,"It is now safe to turn off your partner."DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concernduring beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most seriouserror encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of thesehave been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time itsused.CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is areasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior toits shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98'spotential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help ourcustomers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."
Computers

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
Computers

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Computers

TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd) ****************************************************************** WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! ****************************************************************** WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true. D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including 2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability 3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center 4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List 5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page 6]The Urban Legends Web Site 7]Urban Legends Reference Pages 8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. ********************************************************************** This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.) **********************************************************************
Computers

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department AccusationsREDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum."It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Computers

TOP TEN PROPOSED NEW DOMAINSEarlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them:10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner9. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company8. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle7. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines6. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean5. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 19964. ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world3. ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer2. ".*"--contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life1. ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know
Computers

Computer Ease! The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Computers

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend! 11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US. 12:00 pm Lunch 3:30 pm Return from lunch. 3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out. 4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do. Tuesday ------- 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts. 9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling. 9:35 pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement. 10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment. 10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke. 1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. 1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!" 1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks. 1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. 2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that. 2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. Wednesday --------- 8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material... 10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums. 10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime. 11:00 am Lunch. 4:55 pm Return from lunch. 5:00 pm Shift change; Going home. Thursday -------- 8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. 8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. 9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! 11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door. 1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy... 4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow. Friday ------ 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left. 9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom. 9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications. 9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. 10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours. 11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. 11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. 11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!" 11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him. 12:00 am Lunch. 1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast. 1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology! 2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. 2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport. 2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately. 3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases. 4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. 4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Computers

Are computers males or females? You decide. TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE: 5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection. 3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own. 2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system. 1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention. FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE: 5. No one but their creator understands their logic. 4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.\
Computers

A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Computers

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95 Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!! Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot: Well, I don't know- Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot: I know, you press the Start button- Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot: I did. Costello: When? Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button? Abbot: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop. Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press. Abbot: Start Costello: Start what? Abbot: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what? Abbot: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude! Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean. Abbot: To shut down the computer, press- Costello: Don't say, "Start!" Abbot: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot: But that's what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot: Don't be ridiculous. Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Computers

IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Computers

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
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PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry AcronymsISDN It Still Does NothingAPPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing EntitySCSI System Can't See ItDOS Defunct Operating SystemBASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry ControlIBM I Blame MicrosoftDEC Do Expect CutsCD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in MonthsOS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.WWW World Wide WaitMACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
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Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky: - Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill - She sucks - She blows - She's bloated - She's the focus of a huge legal battle - She'll go down in a heartbeat Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
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What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer? A fuckin know-it-all!
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Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to findout whether computer is male or female: one group was male,and the other group was female.The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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If IBM made toasters...They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to besubmitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwidemarket for five, maybe six toasters.
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If Microsoft made toasters...Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buya toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'dstill have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), drawenough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of thespace in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toasterthat let's you control how light or dark you want your toastto be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances tofind out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters,but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good breadonly works with their toasters.
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If Apple made toasters...It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 yearsearlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you whenit popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be alittle picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, thesetoasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools toeven open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but allthe bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted onthe MacToaster.
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Does DEC still make toasters...? They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
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If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster,which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
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If Cray made toasters...They would cost $16 million but would be faster thanany other single-slice toaster in the world, at leastfor a couple of years.
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If Wang made toasters...Marketing would never agree upon what customers really wantor need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spentin development and the toaster would be several years late.Just after release Wang would buy another company whosetoaster ran on NT but would find that they got more ordersfor the original.
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A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center andregistered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyedwater sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and wasvery small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him apenguin.
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There are four basic types of chain letters:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chain Letter Type IHello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starvinglittle boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents,and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving LeglessArmless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if youaccidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a madgoat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!
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Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!(This is where you have to scroll down)Really, go on and make one wish!!!Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!Wish something else!!!Not *that* either, you pervert!!Is your finger getting tired yet?You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certainnumber of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat andthen thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!Really!!! Here's how it goes.Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them astupid chain letter.Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending thema stupid chain letter.5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupidchain letter.10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them astupid chain letter.20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with youfor sending them a stupid chain letter.Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
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Chain Letter Type IIIHi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This isabsolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not asmany little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Passthis on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible willhappen to you like:Queer Horror Story #1Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recentlyreceived this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in theside walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood ofpoop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,she died. This Could Happen To You!!!Queer Horror Story #2Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, somepeople swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They bothdied and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were bothcursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen ToYou!!!Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letterto all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on andthen he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3children and lived happily ever after.Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair withhis secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro atthe local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and theygot divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and childsupport payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and hiscar and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.
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Chain Letter Type IVAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of yourfriends.Friends- A friend is someone who is always at your side,- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - Afriend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room inyour sleep!!There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chainletters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity,send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, butotherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don'tcare. Thanks!Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forgetto delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.
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The Y-Zero-K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... . As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius Sent by Marina
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I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June.I'm betting the baby will be late.
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Q: Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?A: He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to workwith UNIX.
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We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriterswill eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks tothe internet, we know this is not true.
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Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on yourold, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with aminimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.'But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'Godwill provide the RAM, my son'.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer?A: A computer that never goes down on you.
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Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail.--Desperate***************************************Dear Desperate,Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wavefiles.DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. Insummary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additionalsoftware to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 andLingerie 5.3.--Tech Support
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An actual mailing:Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
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THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum.I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease.I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer.I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers thatare bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell theirwares.I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I wouldget sick from the rat faeces and urine.When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.However, the police are also after me at present because you said notto pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation ofthe $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when Iparticipated in their special e-mail program.It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, andneither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I ampositive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot tofollow and I got a curse.
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Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:* 0.5 Miss Worlds,* 2.5 supermodels,* 463 wild nymphos,* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face.On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter).While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me hasalready received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering fromexhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. Noexpensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that onlyinterest women) just so that you can bonk her.No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises likemarriage or engagement.Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they canprepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
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