Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa
Christmas Jokes

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."
Christmas Jokes

Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown
Christmas Jokes

Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!-Johnny Carson
Christmas Jokes

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!-Phyllis Diller
Christmas Jokes

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!-Charlie Viracola
Christmas Jokes

I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale
Christmas Jokes

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart
Christmas Jokes

A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.
Christmas Jokes

|Q: What do elves learn in school?A: The Elf-abet!Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?A: "I don't like sprouts" !Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote?A: The North Poll. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?A: Because it's to far to walk.Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?A: Forty feet of track - all straight! Q: What kind of bird can write?A: A PENguin.Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus!Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad!Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?A: North Polish.Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?A: Crisp Cringle.Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?A: Okay everyone, sack time!!Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus.Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?A: He wanted to sleep like a log.Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?A: Because it " soots " him!Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him. Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?A: Because every buck is dear to him.Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.Q: Olive?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already.Q: What's a good holiday tip?A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Christmas Jokes

|NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first." Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Christmas Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
Christmas Jokes

|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!With truly the deepest love,AgnesDecember 15, 2003Dearest Dave,Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.With all of my love,Your AgnesDecember 16, 2003Dearest Dave,You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.Love,AgnesDecember 17, 2003Dear Dave,Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,AgnesDecember 18, 2003Dearest darling Dave,It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!All my love,AgnesDecember 19, 2003Dear Dave,When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.Cordially,AgnesDecember 20, 2003Dave,What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.Sincerely,AgnesDecember 21, 2003O.K. wise guy,The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!AgnesDecember 22, 2003Hey loser,What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!You'll get yours!AgnesDecember 23, 2003You rotten scum!!!There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!One who means it!December 24, 2003Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!Your sworn enemy,AgnesDecember 25, 2003The Law Offices ofBadger, Rees, and Yorker20 Knave StreetChicago, IllinoisDear sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Rees, and YorkerThis document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
Christmas Jokes

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.
Christmas Jokes

|A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Christmas Jokes

|1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!" 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Christmas Jokes

|On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid says, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."
Christmas Jokes

|Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" Answer... "They're Carol's."
Christmas Jokes

|Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Christmas Jokes

|1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
Christmas Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!When what to my worrying eyes should appear,But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,With each part numbered and every slot named,So if we failed, only we could be blamed.More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,All over the carpet they were scattered about."Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.""Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."And then in a twinkling, I knew for a factThat all the toy dealers had indeed made a pactTo keep parents busy all Christmas Eve nightWith "assembly required" till morning's first light.We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thinBefore we attached the last rod and last pin.Then laying the tools away in the chest,We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,And not have to run to the store for a thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setFor the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
Christmas Jokes

|10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.8. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 7. Well, well, well... 6. I really don't deserve this. 5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program. 1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
Christmas Jokes

|Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
Christmas Jokes

|One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
Christmas Jokes

|In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Christmas Jokes

|Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; andWhereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; andWhereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; andWhereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; andWhereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; andWhereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
Christmas Jokes

|Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Christmas Jokes

|T'was the night before finals,And all through the college,The students were prayingFor last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy,But none touched their beds,While visions of essaysDanced in their heads. Out in the taverns,A few were still drinking,And hoping that liquorWould get their brains thinking. In my own apartment,I had been pacing,Dreading all those examsI soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless,His nose in his books,And my comments to himDrew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee,And brewed a new pot,No longer caringThat my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes,But my thoughts were all muddy,My eyes went a'blur,I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help,"I said with a shiver,But each place I calledRefused to deliver. I'd pretty much concludedLife is unfair and cruel,Since our futures all dependOn grades made in school. When all of a sudden,Our door opened wide,And Patron Saint Put-It-OffAmbled inside. Her spirit was careless,Her manner was mellow,She looked at the messAnd started to bellow: "Why should us studentsMake such a fuss,About what those teachersToss out to us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!On Last Year's Exams!On Wingit and Slingit,And Last Minute Crams!" Her message delivered,She vanished from sight,But we heard her laughingOutside in the night. "Your teachers won't flunk you,So just do your best.Happy Finals to All,And to All, a good test."
Christmas Jokes

|1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Christmas Jokes

|The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after ChristmasI pulled on the old rubber glovesAnd very gently wrung the necksOf both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after ChristmasMy mother caught the croupI had to use the three French hensTo make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obsceneThe five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after ChristmasThe six laying geese wouldn't laySo I sent the whole darn gaggle to theA.S.P.C.A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.The eighth day after ChristmasBefore they could suspectI bundled up theEight maids-a-milkingNine ladies dancingTen lords-a-leapingEleven pipers pipingTwelve drummers drummingAnd sent them back collectI wrote my true love"We are through, love!"And I said in so many words"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!" Four calling birds,Three French hens,Two turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree!"
Christmas Jokes

|Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order 6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one 7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year 11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Christmas Jokes

|(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',I'm happy -- althoughMy boss let me go --Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit clicking,Unaware time is ticking,There's beard on my cheek,Same clothes for a week,Happily addicted to the Web!Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"I don't phone, don't send faxes,Don't go out, don't pay taxes,Who cares if somedayThey drag me away?I'm happily addicted to the Web!Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
Christmas Jokes

|T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,As he added the latest version of Netscape.The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Christmas Jokes

|To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk. He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track. Sooooooo.... You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye, Daddy's home and I think he's.... Daddy's home and boy is he....... Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
Christmas Jokes

|On the first day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: A Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the second day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the third day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the fourth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the fifth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the sixth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the seventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the eighth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the ninth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the tenth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the eleventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Eleven pounds of blubber, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the twelfth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Twelve bags of Pepto, Eleven pounds of blubber, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese
Christmas Jokes

|On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!
Christmas Jokes

|What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?This one will sleigh you ! Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?Because they are both tail bearers ! Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?Because they would look silly in plastic macs ! How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?Don't feed it ! Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?Because his brown ones were all muddy ! How long should a reindeer's legs be ?Just long enough to reach the ground ! Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?Because he didn't want to be recognised ! Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?The smallest ones ! Where do you find reindeer ?It depends on where you leave them ! What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?Baby reindeer !
Christmas Jokes

|What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?She gave him the cold shoulder!What do snowmen wear on their heads?Ice caps!What's an ig?An eskimo's home without a loo!What do snowmen eat for lunch?Icebergers!Where do snowmen go to dance?Snowballs!How do snowmen travel around ?By iceicle ! What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?A snowball ! How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?You wake up wet ! What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?Frost bite ! How do you call an Eskimo cow ?An Eskimoo !
Christmas Jokes

|What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve ! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve ! What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?The letter "D" ! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?Santa Claustrophobia ! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?Black mail ! Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?Santa Paws ! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?Because it soots him ! Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?Elephanta Claus ! How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?Stacks ! Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?Because he's Sooty !
Christmas Jokes

|Knock KnockWho's there ?WenceslasWenceslas who ? Wenceslas train home ? Knock KnockWho's there ?SnowSnow who ? Snow business like show business ! Knock KnockWho's there ?WayneWayne who ? Wayne in a manger... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?DonutDonut who ? Donut open till Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?OakhamOakham who ? Oakham all ye faithfull... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?AveryAvery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?HollyHolly who ? Holly-days are here again ! Knock KnockWho's there ?RudolphRudolph who ? Money is the Rudolph of all evil ! Knock KnockWho's there ?IglooIgloo who ? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?MaryMary who ? Mary Christmas !
Christmas Jokes

|What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?Santa Clues!Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.Now thats what you call pot luck!What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?Freeze a jolly good fellow ! What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?Santapplause ! Twinkle Twinkle chocolate barSanta drives a rusty carPress the starterPress the chokeOff he goes in a cloud of smoke ! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?Santa Jaws ! Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe ! Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?Because they both have "Sandy claws" ! What does Father Christmas call his money ?Iced lolly ? What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?Santa pause !
Christmas Jokes

|8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Christmas Jokes

|A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Christmas Jokes

|The similarities between Santa and System Admins1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.3. Santa seldom answers your mail.4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.8. Santa laughs entirely too much.9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Christmas Jokes

|8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide 7. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?" 6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers 5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride. 4. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it. 3. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it. 2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"
Christmas Jokes

|Department Store Santa Peeves8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch" 5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask 4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School 3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes 2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam1. Two words: lap rash
Christmas Jokes

|Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future" 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips 7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet" 6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out" 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times 1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
Christmas Jokes

|Signs You're Sick of the Holidays8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You're serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!" 5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. 3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies 2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears 1. Two words: tinsel rash
Christmas Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.
Christmas Jokes

|Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,Not a deputy stirred,they were all on vacation. The stockings were hungon the wall with great care,Next to some T-shirtsand old underwear. I was working the night shiftcompiling stats,Answering the phone,and feeding the rat. When all of a suddenthere arose such a clatter,I leapt from my deskto see what was the matter! I opened the doorwith a creak and a crick,And saw a jolly red fat manI knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picturea time or two,He was wanted:Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the doorand commanded him "Freeze!""Put your hands on you headand get down on your knees." But he turned and he ran,up the chimney he flew,With me in pursuit,toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roofSanta made for his sleigh,Throwing down toysand blocking my way. As I got to the peak,he threw down some crack,I slipped and I felllanding flat on my back. To my front I was facedwith a toy M-1 tank,And Pink Power Rangerscovering my flank. "On Dasher, on Dancer!",he cried loud and clear.Then I got off three roundsand dropped the lead deer. And I heard Santa sayas he sailed into the blue,"Merry Christmas to all!My Lawyers will sue!"
Christmas Jokes

|After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift."How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50."That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30."Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Christmas Jokes

|With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
Christmas Jokes

|On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)* *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Christmas Jokes

|If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Three:Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. (You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.) Festivity Level Four:Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"You: "No."Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."You: "About the drugs?"Police: "No."You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"Police: "No, the noise."You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."
Christmas Jokes

|On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .Windows 95 for my PCOn the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .9 apps a crashin'8 megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .10 modes not supported9 apps a crashin'8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .11 instructions faulty10 modes not supported9 apps a crashin'8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PCOn the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .12 illegal operations11 instructions faulty10 modes not supported9 apps a crashin'8 Megs overflowin'7 files missin'6 ints conflictin'5 eighty six4 sectors bad3 ports not responding2 GPFsand Windows 95 for my PC
Christmas Jokes

|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighNever have a white ChristmasWhen you in Melbourne liveWearing hot pants on the beachWhen you your presents giveHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighChestnuts roasting on the sidewalkCastles in the sandEating ice-cream, having good talksWarm Christmas, isn't that grand?
Christmas Jokes

|It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?""Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant."That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?""Before the store opened."
Christmas Jokes

|Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Christmas Jokes

|Jones: "The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day."Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!"
Christmas Jokes

|Dear Santa,How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.Best of luck,Billy Gates
Christmas Jokes

|Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
Christmas Jokes

|Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name."Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head."What da heck you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"
Christmas Jokes