Schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J. Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The POPE has one but doesn't use it,Clinton uses his all the time,Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,George Burns' was hot,Liberace NEVER used his on women,Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,We never saw Lucy use Desi'swhat is it?A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?
Celebrities

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking outof the delivery room after his wife gives birthto their son. Michael says, "How long before wecan have sex?"The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
Celebrities

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.
Celebrities

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
Celebrities

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson'sdreams every night??A: Hansons.
Celebrities

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiouslyawaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will tolive has been sucked away by her awful disease and shedied a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
Celebrities

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.Mother: "What does the cow say?"Child: "Moooo!"Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"Child: "Meow."Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
Celebrities

Stick your tongue out.Move it up and down.Relax.Now move it left and right.Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.
Celebrities

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Celebrities

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Sent by Zena
Celebrities

Q: What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?A: The front row of a Hanson concert
Celebrities

Q: What's stiff and excites women?A: Elvis Presley.
Celebrities

Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp? Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Celebrities

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?A: There is a great musician in you.
Celebrities

Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
Celebrities

Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making amovie about the lives of the great composers. Stallone says "I want to be Mozart." Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."
Celebrities

Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
Celebrities

What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Celebrities

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?" Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news." She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."
Celebrities

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like toshow him a trick. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and startsfucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,"I know, it's fucking magic."
Celebrities

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible."Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?""No, I'm Mother Theresa.
Celebrities

Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles? It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
Celebrities

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
Celebrities

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.Homer: Why you little -- !
Celebrities

Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in?
Celebrities

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Celebrities

I went past a plastic surgeon's shop the other day and saw Michael Jackson picking his nose.
Celebrities

What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...
Celebrities

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!
Celebrities

What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?He put it on.
Celebrities

Iraqi TV Guide MONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld8:30 Mad About Everything9:00 Suddenly Sanctions9:30 Allah McBealTUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution BloopersWEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy9:00 Just Shoot Me9:30 VeilwatchTHURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses9:30 My Two BaghdadsFRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things9:00 Achmed's Creek9:30 No-witness News
Celebrities

What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Celebrities

What's the new documentary about Madonna going to be called? Missionary Position Impossible.
Celebrities

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?Scratching like hell to get out of that box.
Celebrities

What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life? Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Celebrities

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??He thought it was a delivery service.
Celebrities

What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss? Hang herself.
Celebrities

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car? Neither has he.
Celebrities

Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to "Satanic Verses"? 1) Buddha, you Fat Fucking Bastard, 2) Jesus was a Lousy Carpenter.
Celebrities

Who's got long blonde hair and big tits,and lives in Melbourne, Australia? Salman Rushdie.
Celebrities

More Jesse news... Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to thepopulation for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation,and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, whichwould require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation. Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Celebrities

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Celebrities

Here's a gross one:What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.
Celebrities

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Celebrities

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedto an attendant standing nearby."This," she said, "I suppose, is one of thosehideous representations you call modern art?""No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
Celebrities

Here's a lame one....What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream?Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!
Celebrities

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?Bugs Bunny.
Celebrities

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?From a catalogue.
Celebrities

How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?When the big hand is on the little hand.
Celebrities

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?The Spice Girls!
Celebrities

What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?Don't you think were taking this thing a little too fast?
Celebrities

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?They both live off dead Beatles.
Celebrities

What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?Hugh Grant.
Celebrities

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God isboth male and female."This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?""Well, God is both black and white."This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,"Honey, God is both gay and straight."At this Little Johnny?s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
Celebrities

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?They both cause you to stand around for an hourwaiting for a two minute ride!!
Celebrities

What do you call Batman and Robbin run over?Flatman and Ribbon.Sent by Matias
Celebrities

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be:Anna Nicole Smith.Sent by Marisa
Celebrities

What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?He was allergic to carrots.
Celebrities

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled. "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"
Celebrities

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out
Celebrities

What's black and white and comes in little cans?Michael Jackson
Celebrities

Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"? Two 5 year olds.
Celebrities

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground."What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman."They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger."Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Celebrities

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died.Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."
Celebrities

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% moreentertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.
Celebrities

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass" The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
Celebrities

G: Nobody gets the girl.PG: The good guy gets the girl.R: The bad guy gets the girl.X: Everybody gets the girl!
Celebrities