what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection
Blonde Jokes

This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."
Blonde Jokes

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
Blonde Jokes

What do a blonde and a screen door have in common? The more you bang them the looser they get. What is the difference inbetween a blonde and a brick? The brick only gets layed once. What do a blonde and spaghetti have in common? The more you eat them the more they wiggle.
Blonde Jokes

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to > > take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was > > very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for > > the highly prized shoes. > > > > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of > > one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just > > go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a > > decent price!" > > > > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just > go and give it a try, why don'cha!" > > The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"
Blonde Jokes

What do turtles and blondes have in common? If they're on their back, they're screwed!
Blonde Jokes

TO: BossFROM: BlondieRE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: JanuarkFebruarkMakJulkI also changed all the days of each week to: SundakMondakTuesdakWednesdakThursdakFridakSaturdak We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Blonde Jokes

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Blonde Jokes

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
Blonde Jokes

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.She hears: ?Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
Blonde Jokes

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Blonde Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.A4: You don't eat your bowling ball.
Blonde Jokes

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?A:Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Blonde Jokes

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."
Blonde Jokes

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami! Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline! Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?" Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What do blondes say after sex?A: "Thanks, guys!"
Blonde Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Blonde Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone.Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met.Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Blonde Jokes

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?A: An IN-body experience!Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper.Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?A: Cause their balls show! Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?A: It's the only car name they can spell. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduces herself. Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?A: Locking the car door.
Blonde Jokes

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead."There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette."No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?""What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"
Blonde Jokes

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?A: She drops her nail-file Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?A: Data transfer.Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?A: A wine cellar. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?A: Peroxide. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Blonde Jokes

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies."I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." "But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch.""Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?""Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?""Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
Blonde Jokes

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?A: Because she didn't know which one came first!Q: How can you confuse a blonde?A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?A: Alone. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A: Nothing, they never met.Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?A: Because the blondes couldn't manage it either. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?A: A Golden retriever! Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts? A: Change! Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know which day of the week it is. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week! Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?A: Gifted. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted! Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?A: She threw out all the W's
Blonde Jokes

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Blonde Jokes

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her."How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Blonde Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Blonde Jokes

|One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Blonde Jokes

|Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Blonde Jokes

|Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her."How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Blonde Jokes

|A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
Blonde Jokes

|Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Blonde Jokes

|Do you realize what I am?A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?""Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Blonde Jokes

|There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
Blonde Jokes

|There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Blonde Jokes

|Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?Blonde: Yes.Operator: The power in the house in on?Blonde: Of course.Operator: And the switch is on?Blonde: Yes, yes.Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?Blonde: No, it's working fine.Operator: Then what's the problem?Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Blonde Jokes

|Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."The first said, "I wish I were smarter."So, she became a redhead.The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."She became a brunette.The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"So, she became a man.
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Blonde Jokes

|Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
Blonde Jokes

|There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them."If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed."You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head."I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde."You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde."I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed."I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.The pope told the brunette to take the last one.The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.""Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?""No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening."I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Blonde Jokes

|BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Blonde Jokes

|Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."Bartender:"What is a B and C?".Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."Bartender: "What's a G and T?"Redhead: "Gin and tonic."Blonde: "I'll have a 15."Bartender: "What's a 15?"Blonde: "7 and 7"
Blonde Jokes

|A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
Blonde Jokes

|A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Blonde Jokes

|A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Blonde Jokes

|A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Blonde Jokes

|A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: Do you know where you were going?Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Blonde Jokes

|On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Blonde Jokes

|A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Blonde Jokes

|Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

|A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blonde Jokes

|Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
Blonde Jokes

|Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?A: To avoid the draft.Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?A: Trying to hold on to a thought.Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?A: They don't know the route.Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Blonde Jokes

|Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that.""Comfortable?" the guy questions."Yes, you see she reads slow."
Blonde Jokes