Why you should learn to use algebra . . . After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can bereached of the secret to wealth and success.Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardlessof the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for thereader.
At Work

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Sincerly,
Children

The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11 Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9 Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9 Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13 A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14 When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Children

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male#define HEIGHT 1.84#define MASS 68#define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h"#include "father.h" #infndef FATHER#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")#include "bastard.h"#endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */#include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;#endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;#endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);=== ...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
Computers

|Digger Phelps' Words of WisdomFrom the NCAA Tournament:"Basketball is a game of two halves.""We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.""You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.""He's like all great players -- not great yet.""You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."
Sport Jokes

|Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from DojoThe quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper StanceStanding at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion. Sigh of WisdomSudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury. Crossing FingersA hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious. Gift of InstructionThe act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly. Seeing Without SeeingThe dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question. Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza. Mugger's DefenseOffering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation. Sensei's DownfallFailing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open. Further requirements:Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form). Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon. Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot. Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks. Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation. Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice). Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something). Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock. Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment. Must be able to sing Karaoke. Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...) Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course). Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi". Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies. Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat. Must be able to keep all bleeding internal. Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less. Note:Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
Sport Jokes

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Miscellaneous

Valentine's Day Story John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Miscellaneous

The Naming of JesusA group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, andthat is how the baby was named.
Religion

Stress-Relieving PrayerLord,Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I cannot accept,And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those peopleI had to kill today because they pissed me off.And, help me to be carefulOf the toes I step on today as theyMay be connected to the assThat I might have to kiss tomorrow. Amen.
Religion

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?The Swallow. Sent by Denise
Sex

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form usedfor Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following areactual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
War

|A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
Doctor Jokes

|British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Military Jokes

|WRITE IN C (sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")When I find my code in tons of trouble,Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:"Write in C."As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers""Write in C."Write in C, write in C,Write in C, write in C.LISP is dead and buried,Write in C.I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,for science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C.If you've just spent nearly 30 hoursDebugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C.Write in C, write in C,Write In C, yeah, write in C.Only wimps use BASIC.Write in C.Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.{ Guitar Solo}Write in C, write in C,Write in C, yeah, write in C.Don't even mention COBOL.Write in C.And when the screen is fuzzy,And the edior is bugging me.I'm sick of ones and zeroes.Write in C.A thousand people people swear that T.P.Seven is the one for me.I hate the word PROCEDURE,Write in C.Write in C, write in C,Write in C, yeah, write in C.PL1 is 80's,Write in C.Write in C, write in C,Write in C, yeah, write in C.The government loves ADA,Write in C.
Computing Jokes

Worst Analagies Written By High SchoolersHe spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Miscellaneous

|Things My Mother Taught MeMy Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home. and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
Mom/Dad Jokes

|My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"
Mom/Dad Jokes

|The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" "It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Mom/Dad Jokes

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. Mae West Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Jimi Hendrix The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. Steve Martin If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. W.C. Fields Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. Samuel Palmer
Miscellaneous

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. Bob Hope As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Sir Norman Wisdom Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. Mike Tyson You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. John Mendoza As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. Robert Quillen People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. Geoffrey Parfitt
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Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later. Prefers three left turns to one right turn. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Produces a zero-length core dump. Proof God has a sense of humor. Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway. Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. Reads her newspaper back-to-front. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society. Receiver is off the hook. Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons. Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy. Reset line is glitching. Result of a first cousin marriage. Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain. Room for rent, unfurnished. RS232C brain with a DIN connector. Running at 300 baud. Running on a 286. Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
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His pointers are null / uninitialized. His puzzle is missing a few pieces. His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves His root file system isn't mounted. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position. His shared libraries aren't installed. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon. His spark can't jump the gap. His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth. His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack. His string's aren't null-terminated. His strip is demagnetized. His system administrator is never in. His train tracks aren't quite parallel. His URL denies outside access. His watch dog is sleeping. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts. Hitler's evil twin. Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net. Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio. If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea. If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week. If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.
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One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?" Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!
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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:"Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said."Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, WAY!""Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry."Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!"Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
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An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.One cat just leads to another.People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
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This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider."Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.""Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
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The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible.Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.Q: What is "after play"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!
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For those of you who may need it...A Prayer for the Stressed!Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on FridaysAnd help me to remember ...When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!
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The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.""To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.""When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.""Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.""There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.""Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.""Blood flows down one leg and up the other.""Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.""Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.""A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.""Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.""The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.""The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.""A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.""The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.""A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.""Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.""Germinate: To become a naturalized German.""Liter: A nest of young puppies.""Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.""Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.""Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.""Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.""Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.""Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.""For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.""For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.""For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.""To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.""When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.""To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.""The parts of speech are lungs and air.""The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.""A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.""A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.""The general direction of the Alps is straight up.""A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.""Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.""The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.""The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.""We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.""One of the main causes of dust is janitors.""A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.""The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.""The climate is hottest next to the Creator.""Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.""The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.""In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.""Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.""In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.""One by-product of raising cattle is calves.""Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
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Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.Insanity is my only means of relaxation.Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **Caution - Leave air holes.I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
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Some Words of Wisdom...The gene pool could use a little chlorine.Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal.WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.Give me ambiguity or give me something else.We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.He who laughs last thinks slowest.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock. Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
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Rules To Live By...Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
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There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace."Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.""You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.""Is there anything which your holiness desires?""Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
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YESTERDAY---------------Yesterday,All those backups seemed a waste of pay.Now my database has gone away.Oh I believe in yesterday.Suddenly,There's not half the files there used to be,And there's a milestonehanging over meThe system crashed so suddenly.I pushed something wrongWhat it was I could not say.Now all my data's goneand I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.Yesterday,The need for back-ups seemed so far away.I knew my data was all here to stay,Now I believe in yesterday.============================================Songs to program by...Eleanor Rigby---------------------Eleanor RigbySits at the keyboardAnd waits for a line on the screenLives in a dreamWaits for a signalFinding some codeThat will make the machine do some more.What is it for?All the lonely users, where do they all come from?All the lonely users, why does it take so long?Guru MacKenzieTyping the lines of a program that no one will run;Isn't it fun?Look at him working,Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;It takes a while...All the lonely users, where do they all come from?All the lonely users, why does it take so long?Eleanor RigbyCrashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;Feels like a jerk.Guru MacKenzieWiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;Nothing will load.All the lonely users, where do they all come from?All the lonely users, why does it take so long?===================================Unix Man (Nowhere Man)------------------------------------He's a real UNIX ManSitting in his UNIX LANMaking all his UNIX plansFor nobody.Knows the blocksize from du(1)Cares not where /dev/null goes toIsn't he a bit like youAnd me?UNIX Man, please listen(2)My lpd(8) is missin'UNIX ManThe wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.He's as wise as he can beUses lex and yacc and CUNIX Man, can you help me At all?UNIX Man, don't worryTest with time(1), don't hurryUNIX ManThe new kernel boots, just like you had planned.He's a real UNIX ManSitting in his UNIX LANMaking all his UNIX plans For nobody ...Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.==================================Write in C ("Let it Be")------------------------------------When I find my code in tons of trouble,Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:"Write in C."As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers:"Write in C."Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, oh, Write in C.LOGO's dead and buried,Write in C.I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,For science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C.If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,Debugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C.Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, yeah, Write in C.BASIC's not the answer.Write in C.Write in C, Write in CWrite in C, oh, Write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.=========================Something------------------------Something in the way it fails,Defies the algorithm's logic!Something in the way it coredumps...I don't want to leave it nowI'll fix this problem somehowSomewhere in the memory I know,A pointer's got to be corrupted.Stepping in the debugger will show me...I don't want to leave it nowI'm too close to leave it nowYou're asking me can this code go?I don't know, I don't know...What sequence causes it to blow?I don't know, I don't know...Something in the initializing code?And all I have to do is think of it!Something in the listing will show me...I don't want to leave it nowI'll fix this tonight I vow!
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