Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Animal Jokes

Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?Yup, if one steps on you, you're screwed.
Animal Jokes

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami! Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline! Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?" Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What do blondes say after sex?A: "Thanks, guys!"
Blonde Jokes

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?A: An IN-body experience!Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper.Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?A: Cause their balls show! Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?A: It's the only car name they can spell. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduces herself. Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?A: Locking the car door.
Blonde Jokes

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?A: She drops her nail-file Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?A: Data transfer.Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?A: A wine cellar. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?A: Peroxide. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Blonde Jokes

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Clean Jokes

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:- 10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL. 9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse. 8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family. 7) Your computer is your ONLY friend. 6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex. 5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL). 4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers. 3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM. 2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated. 1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!
Computer Jokes

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Dirty Jokes

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dirty Jokes

What's the speed limit of sex?68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around
Dirty Jokes

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex. Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw. Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."
Dirty Jokes

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"
Dirty Jokes

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
Dirty Jokes

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How ya doing?"She then wiggled her backside and walked off."Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife."Er- just a woman I met professionally." stammered the doctor."Oh yeah?" his wife snarled. "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"
Doctor Jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. __________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. __________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Lawyer Jokes

What is a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Men Jokes

Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?
Men Jokes

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Political Jokes

Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman. The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off. At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles. Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams' but were unable to reattach them.
Political Jokes

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss
Political Jokes

TOP 10 REASONS BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 9. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK 8. YOU HAVE A COACH TO TELL YOU WHEN TO ADVANCE 7. WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, YOU ALWAYS GET RELIEVED 6. IF YOU STRIKE OUT ONCE, YOU STILL HAVE AT LEAST 2 MORE TIMES TO GET A HIT 5. UP TO 4 PEOPLE CAN SCORE AT ONCE 4. POP UPS ARE FREQUENT 3. 30,000 PEOPLE CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 2. AFTER 7 INNINGS, YOU GET TO STRETCH 1. YOU CAN GET A HOMERUN WITHOUT ANY FOREPLAY
Practical Jokes

TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY 9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT 7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO "TAKE IT TO THE HOLE"6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE 4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO 3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS 2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS 1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS
Practical Jokes

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS 9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD 8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE 7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR 6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS 5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON 3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK 1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES
Practical Jokes

TOP 10 REASONS SOCCER IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. BALLS ARE ALWAYS CHECKED FOR FIRMNESS 9. PERIODS ONLY LAST 45 MINUTES8. PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE7. SOCCER IS A LEGAL PROFESSION 6. PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT CAN BE WASHED AND REUSED 5. SIZE DOESN'T MATTER 4. IF YOU GET TOO ROUGH YOU GET A RED CARD 3. YOU CAN SCORE USING YOUR HEAD OR YOUR FEET 2. LASTS A FULL 90 MINUTES1. YOU CAN JUGGLE YOUR BALLS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER
Practical Jokes

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths arethose?""Well," she explained. "One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Sex Jokes

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Sex Jokes

It has been studied and determined that the most often usedSexual position for married couples is the doggie position.The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Sex Jokes

Bob calls in to his job:"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."The boss says:"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."2 hours later Bob calls:"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
Sex Jokes

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads toanother and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon."She confirms, and asks how he knew."Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands.""That's very clever!" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist.""Wow, how did you guess?" he asked."I didn't feel a thing!" she replied.
Sex Jokes

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Sex Jokes

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"
Sex Jokes

TWO MEN SITTING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER IN A BAR.THE 1ST MAN IS AN AVERAGE SIZE GUY WEIGHINGABOUT 170 LBS.THE 2ND MAN IS A HUGE FAT GUY WEIGHING ABOUT375 LBS.THE 2ND GUY ASKS THE 1ST GUY. "WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, DO YOU ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM?"THE 1ST GUY REPLIES, "IT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN,HOW ABOUT YOU?"THE 2ND GUY REPLIES, "I ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM, NOMATTER WHO I'M WITH."OF COURSE YOU CAN'T HELP BUT TO HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU "MASH IT FLAT".
Sex Jokes

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."The woman did as she was told."Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,The woman did as she was instructed.Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.
Women Jokes

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."So that's what Joe did.The next day at the bar, his buddy said, "Well, did you take my suggestion?""Yes, I did," said Joe."Did she like it?" His buddy asked."Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Women Jokes

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook ElephantThe English book - Elephants I have shot on SafariThe Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better ElephantsThe Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper ElephantsThe Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of MoneyThe Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish PeopleThe German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.The Icelandic book - Defrosting an ElephantThe Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His ElephantsThe Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
Animal World

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Animal World

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died.The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female."No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?
Animal World

Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet? They step on you and you're screwedSent by D.L.Chapin
Animal World

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
Animal World

Rejection Letter RejectEver wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Well here's a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,[Your name here]
At Work

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?""That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.""Was it when they cut off your balls?""That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.""What was the most painful part?""The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
At Work

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can justgo to work.
At Work

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back ofhis leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded hiswife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
At Work

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company.""That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?""I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
At Work

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of theprincipal.""Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?""I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."
At Work

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the backof his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
At Work

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies, "He's a midget."
At Work

The company president called the chief security guard into his office. "Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don'tbelong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again." The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"
At Work

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.""What happened?" asks Birnbaum.Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!""You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!""How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!""You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments..."
At Work

Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with ablonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some foodto replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milkand right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still prettyhot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blondewalks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
Blonds

A blond at a party was telling her friend thatshe was off men for life. "They lie, they cheatand they're just no good. From now on when I wantsex, I'm going to use my vibrator""So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."
Blonds

This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.The lawyer asked, "How long are you having a sexual relationship?" "Years,I tell you years" she replied. " Thats no answer, you have to specify howlong has he intimated with you." "I don't know exactly, its average, aboutsix inches"
Blonds

What does a blonde say after sex? Thanks Guys.
Blonds

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking outof the delivery room after his wife gives birthto their son. Michael says, "How long before wecan have sex?"The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
Celebrities

More Jesse news... Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to thepopulation for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation,and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, whichwould require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation. Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Celebrities

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Celebrities

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Sincerly,
Children

One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she drawsa penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back ofthe room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has twoof them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"DirtyJohnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sittersteeth."
Children

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recentlydivorced mother her age? She told him that was not a questionto ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that shewouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should askand to not ask that question again. He went away.A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She askedwhat he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly toldher he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at herdriver's license.He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddydivorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."
Children

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."
Children

The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?" Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!" The little guy thinks for a fewseconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"
Children

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've beenhaving some problems lately. I've been running the same version ofDrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all theGirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hearthat DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background modeand the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't findthe switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and itworks okay.Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timingincompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, butI thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. Aftermonths of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has hadexperience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enoughcache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a TokenRing to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, ituninstalled itself.Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs weresupposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virusanyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. Ivery cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSIprobe first and also installed a virus protection program. It workedokay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in mysystem. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 stillinstalled, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about thatautomatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend andcommunicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removalof both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still someproblems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscurelanguage I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think thereis too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desiredfunctionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked howGirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend toGirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version ofGirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a yearif you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, hehad to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One ofthe primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it camebundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocationmodule of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can doanything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came withMotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. Itold him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you tryto run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will deleteMSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.Any Ideas???
Computers

Pest-by-Modem Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations likeIMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to showthat they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand foranything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse toexplain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SOTHAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSOUSE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUTBEING HERE!!!!!!!*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling andpoint out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content oftheir messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"do it again. Continue until they go away.*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that itwon't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compressionprogram and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mailresponses like "Thanks."*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give themnames like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Takebets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so thathe can keep track of what's happening on the information SuperhighwayInternet.*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to anunrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in adiscussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observationthat those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an importantrole. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased aspeople write you threatening messages and instruct all other members toignore you.
Computers

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male#define HEIGHT 1.84#define MASS 68#define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h"#include "father.h" #infndef FATHER#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")#include "bastard.h"#endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */#include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;#endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;#endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);=== ...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
Computers

The PC Manifesto V3.0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don't worry, that's not important. Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Handicapped - Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Whaler - Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted - People of Mass - Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East - Asia Censorship - Selective Speech B.C. - B.C.E. Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books - Recycled Books Berkeley - Mecca Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult - Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China - Porcelain Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) --------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
Computers

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," thewoman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the womansaid, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "footpedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated devicethat helps to control the computer's operations.[boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers saythat as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partlybecause of the volume of calls, some computer companies have startedcharging help-line users. [boring stuff deleted] John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Conturawould not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something tohappen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, sheasked, 'What power switch?'" Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people havecalled to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on thescreen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technicalsupport supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hardto control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be theplastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschangsays one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because themouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface. Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan saysa customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from hisold diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed todiagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done withthe diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,roll it into the typewriter..." At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request thatshe send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customerarrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And atDell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back inthe drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," thecustomer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut thedoor to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive. The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dellcustomer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the manwas trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitorscreen and hitting the "send" key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dellechnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got mecouple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was asoftware store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find acouple of geeks." Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damagingparts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that hiskeyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, andthen removing all the keys and washing them individually. Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, sayshe once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him hewas bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking onthe role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, whoonce worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domesticfight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after theman had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background. There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if ithappens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dellevery time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walkhim through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feelinguplifted by the process.
Computers

Microsoft Market Penetration-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating everyaspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, asuite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsofthas been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. Itbelieves these technologies will give it substantial leverage inpenetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need forvirus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure thenon-propagation of life.The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in thepackage. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, forprofessionals in the sexual services sector.Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatorychannels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will beknown as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install thepackage. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimumhardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs andis sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. Afterinstallation, operation commences. One caution is that the user musthave sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session iscomplete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,"It is now safe to turn off your partner."DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concernduring beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most seriouserror encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of thesehave been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time itsused.CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is areasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior toits shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98'spotential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help ourcustomers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."
Computers

TOP TEN PROPOSED NEW DOMAINSEarlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them:10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner9. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company8. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle7. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines6. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean5. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 19964. ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world3. ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer2. ".*"--contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life1. ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know
Computers

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:* 0.5 Miss Worlds,* 2.5 supermodels,* 463 wild nymphos,* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face.On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter).While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me hasalready received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering fromexhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. Noexpensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that onlyinterest women) just so that you can bonk her.No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises likemarriage or engagement.Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they canprepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
Computers

State of Arkansas Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Ethnic

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with atribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write andgood Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil ofsexual sin. ?Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!?One day the wife of one of the Tribe?s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with themissionary.You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman givesbirth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot inour village. Anyone can see what?s going on here!?The missionary replies, ?No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What youhave here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thyyonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one blackone. Nature does this on occasion.?The chief pauses for a moment then says, ?Tell you what, you don?t sayanything about the sheep, I won?t say anything about the white baby.?
Ethnic

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeingtour with a very rich African king who was a very importantclient. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretaryis quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way todissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry youunder three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-caratdiamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "Noproblem!! I have. I have."Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "Iwant you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, Iwant a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone andcalls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nodshis head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows thatshe'd better make this a good one. She takes her time tothink and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squintsher eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, Iwant the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and restshis elbows on the table, all the while muttering in Africandialect.Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, lookingreally sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. Icut."
Ethnic

Chinese SubtitlesFrom a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiledby Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet inthe Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June1996.I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.Gun wounds again?Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!You daring lousy guy.Beat him out of recognizable shape!I have been scared shitless too much lately.I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.How can you use my intestines as a gift?The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
Ethnic

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when anunfortunate incident occurred.Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toiletfor the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.When she sat, she kept going!She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammedinto the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up infront of her.She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour trieddesperately to extricate her.In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left hernaked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominentlyvisible between her splayed legs.Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber,despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they werewalking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife wasexposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing hecould think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposedprivates.The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
Ethnic

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself.
Ethnic

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves andengage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind themignores their conversation at first, but her attention isgalvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together.I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come againand pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.""You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "Inthis country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun myfriend howa to spella Mississippi."
Ethnic

What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky sex? She moves.
Ethnic

Why don't Mexicans teach driver's Ed. and Sex Education on the same day? Because they don't want to wear out the donkey.
Ethnic

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?A: Mace.
Ethnic

How do a jewish couple have oral sex?... "SET AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BED AND YELL SCREW YOU TO ONE AND OTHER"Sent by Ivan
Ethnic

Q: Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?A: So they push back harder.
Ethnic

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Ethnic

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.""You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Ethnic

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Ethnic

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who onSabbath eve announces to the congregation that he willnot renew his contract and is moving on to a largercongregation that will pay him more.There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands upand announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him witha new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds.Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of hischildren!!"More sighs and applause.Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,whatever possessed you to say that?"Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what wecould contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,'Fuck the rabbi.'"
Ethnic

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." Sent by Jesse
Ethnic

Long, but pretty good:On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ... One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Ethnic

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?
Ethnic

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians whointroduced it to women."
Ethnic

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
Relationships

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?" She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"
Relationships

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts." "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Relationships

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite." The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant". The wife sez "That's close enough!"
Relationships

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love ?" She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."
Relationships

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
Relationships

I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours ?" I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."
Relationships

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom. Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"
Relationships

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
Relationships

"Mom, I'm pregnant.""How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?""That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
Situations

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, "she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.
Situations

How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?Call her up
Sex

How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.
Sex

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"Johnny says, "Seventy-three."The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Sex

Two bikers were talking at a bar."How's married life?" asks the first."It's fine," says the second."How's the sex?" asks the first."Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"
Sex

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week.""What happened." Says her intrigued friend."I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."
Sex

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Sex

How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
Sex

My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got tothe University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'dbeen at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believewhen, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was evenmore amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have aclue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my....-- She stopped."Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just likeCHOCOLATE!"Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet."It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed bymops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immersemyself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavorrubbed off. It didn't.I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they seemed to ask themselves.When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole newyear of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen.And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to haveconversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me WillyWonka.Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ thatjust happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point."Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallusonly serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field..."No!" she said.She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"I stopped."Why not?", I asked."I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.Not...""I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever.""You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if shewanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face andrested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. Sheresisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --I lifted my head up."Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
Sex

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
Men

As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning.It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the frontof his head, it?s because he?s a great thinker.Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head, it?sbecause he?s sexy.Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back, heonly thinks he?s sexy...Sent by Buddy
Men

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked."Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.""You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested."Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Elderly

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute tits.
Elderly

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What canI do for you?"The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctorsaid, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And hethen charged them $32.00.This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is marriedand we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it herefor $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor'soffice."
Elderly

How do old people have oral sex? They talk about it.
Elderly

An elderly couple, living apart, had been datingfor several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy,"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying tworents, two car insurance payments, buying separatefood and cooking separate meals. We should justmove in together. Betsy: Whose house would we live in? Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for. Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on? Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine. Betsy: Who would do the cooking? Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes. Betsy: What about sex? Elmer: Infrequently. Betsy: Is that one word or two?
Elderly

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."
Elderly

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......
Science

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy.So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation."Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"
Science

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says ?IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS?. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!
Drunks

|NFL Team Lame Names When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL. AFC West:Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks AFC Central: Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers AFC East: Buffalo Bills - Buffalo NilsBuffalo Spills Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts Miami Dolphins - Miami StallfinsMiami Soft Ones New England Patriots - New England Patsys New York Jets - New York PetsNew York Not Yets NFC West:Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners NFC Central:Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin'sDetroit Kittens Green Bay Packers - Green Bay FudgepackersGreen Bay SlackersGreen Bay Whackers Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota TykesMinnesota ViQueens Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers NFC East:Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals Dallas Cowboys - Dallas CowgirlsDallas Cowpie New York Giants - New York Midgets Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles Washington Redskins - Washington DeadskinsExpansion Teams:Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
Sport Jokes

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks herhusband,"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible towomen you are?"The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the partytonight?"
Relationships

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to herobstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "Myhusband wants me to ask you...""I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on hershoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late Inthe pregnancy.""No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know ifI can still mow the lawn."
Relationships

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On theirwedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her newgroom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How canthat be? You've been married twice..."The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was apsychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to dowas............. Oh God, I miss him!"
Relationships

The tri stages of sex in marriage- 1.Tri-weekly 2.Try-weekly 3.Try-weakly
Relationships

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside andsaid, "If you don't do the following, your husband willsurely die". 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctorhad told her."You're going to die," she replied.
Relationships

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. Wedding cake!
Relationships

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up? He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.
Relationships

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't getit up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I cando."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off yourclothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Liedown please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said."Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Relationships

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
Relationships

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?" Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!" Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."
Relationships

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
Relationships

How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
Relationships

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. Whilefishing, the old man starts talking about how times havechanged. The young man picks up on this and starts talkingabout the various problems and diseases going around.Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problemswith all these diseases when you were young did they?"Grandpa replies, "Nope."Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
Relationships

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
Relationships

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
Relationships

Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them.Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house."But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?"Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union bossand gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form."But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womynto oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until allwomyn were free."But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, sincehe's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attendinga special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypicalwomyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender afeeling of community."But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick andhence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn'tactually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,although that was not to imply that any of these conditions wereinferior to what some people called "health".Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of deliveringthe basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerousplace, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based oncultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regardedthe natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed thatnatural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, butRed Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peopleswould be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as validlifestyle role models.On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, andwandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her whatwas in her basket.Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, andchose to dialogue with the Wolf.She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gestureof solidarity."The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walkthrough these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, butI will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirelyvalid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards herGrandmother's house.But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence tolinear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma'shouse. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative ofhis nature as a predator.Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put onGrandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in yourrole of wise and nurturing matriarch."The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!""You forget that I am optically challenged.""And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.""Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn'tgive in to such societal pressures, my child.""And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reactionappropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbedLittle Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could seeher poor Grandmother cowering in his belly."Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "Youmust request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax."Hands off!" cried the woodchopper."And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I letyou help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities,which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on collegeentrance exams.""Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! Thisis an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red RidingHood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head."Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and hergrandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.""No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've beendealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowersearlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?""Sure," said the Wolf."Thanks.""I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on hisfirm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" Thomas E. Maloney
Miscellaneous

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
Miscellaneous

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Miscellaneous

The Letter D Pulls Out LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show's cast. "The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with the show." Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter. The gay muppet, "Bruce," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision. Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the population that employs the letter frequently. "D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment of its users." While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet song. Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me." ---------------- Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach? A: It's easy, he's the one with the sesame seed buns!
Miscellaneous

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .""Yes yes!""Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Miscellaneous

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolouredhair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix ofleather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earringare big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directlyacross from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What areyou looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you wereyoung?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was youngand in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex witha parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."
Miscellaneous

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Miscellaneous

What's black and blue and hates sex?A rape victim.
Miscellaneous

What sexual position makes an ugly baby? Ask your mom!
Miscellaneous

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough. copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
Miscellaneous

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the deathof the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately8:42PM last evening.Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going andgoing and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends andrelatives, was alone at the time of his death.An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medicalExaminer, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death wasacute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards,and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....
Miscellaneous

What does ADIDAS stand for?All Day I Dream About Sex.
Miscellaneous

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: 1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.4. It is void where prohibited by law, and5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty islimited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at thesole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer:The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse theuse of the color blue.
Miscellaneous

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony.
Religion

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?"The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?"The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."Congratulations!Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?""Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied."What happened?" inquired the pastor."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and tookadvantage of her right there.""You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in ourchurch," stated the pastor."That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,either."
Religion

Three girls died and were brought to the gates ofheaven. Upon entering the gate, they were haltedby St. Peter and his obedient angel.St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering youmust answer this simple question." "Which is ...?",they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",he asked the first girl."Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I gotmarried and was still virgin even after I got married.""Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...the golden key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl."Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before Igot married but was not after I got married." "Very good",said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl."Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex withevery guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,anytime.""Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...my room key."
Religion

4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted towatch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michelson WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so shecan knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted towatch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion,they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch thesame things.This is what is sounded like:And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...Out...In...Out...andyes, the baby is born!
Religion

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Situations

I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."
Situations

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties,and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, andwasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. TheKing finally decided to take matters into his own hand.He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom,"who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at thecastle at noon, the following Sunday."Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decidedto have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat,and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow,and wasn't even tired.The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the onlyone worthy enough to marry my daughter."And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"
Situations

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from theRussians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians builtus a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drinkvodka and play Russian roulette."The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." Thediplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If youwant to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play."I'll show you how."He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nudewomen were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to giveyou oral sex," he told the American."That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much likeRussian roulette.""Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
Situations

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctorthat her husband wasn't interested in her any more he justwouldn't have sex with her anymore.So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one ofthese pills then he would have sex with you." So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in hisdinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next dayshe thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she puttwo in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in hisdinner and he ate it.Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guywalked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kidsaid, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurtsand my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kittykitty...'"
Situations

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain.A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes.After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is gettingdesperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls outthe Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."
Situations

Santas DiversionSanta was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman wasawaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear."OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighedand delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presentsyou know."Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remainingclothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, pleasereconsider? Stay with me?"With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, ploppinghimself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl."Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"Sent by Neicey
Situations

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"Sent by Chris
Situations

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Situations

Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do?Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases.First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tonguekissing and sometimes not.--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, oroutside the clothes genital contact.--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or yourpartner.--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached inthe times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressedsex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enterthe equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present withoutfurther ado... Standardized Guide to the Bases!--On Deck- Having plans for a date--Strike-Out- Duh!!--Walk- Kissing--Bunt- Masturbation--Single- Tongue kissing--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex--Home Run- SEX!--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom--Error- Condom breaks during sex--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom--Hall of Fame- Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms tobetter explain all the things that can happen now a days.--Balk- Premature ejaculation--Pine Tar- KY jelly--Relief pitcher- Vibrator--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly--Box Seats- Waterbed--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions--Rookie- Virgin--Minor Leagues- Under 18--Loaded Bases- manage a trois--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours--Foul tip- VD--Three up and three down- impotencyNow that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrastthe old confusion with current clarity.OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got likepast third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside thepark home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call ina relief pitcher.Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot ofthe confusion and helps you out.I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!Douglas K. Blystone---------------------------------------------------------------------------Rule 2.Section3.The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point notspecifically covered in the rules.
Sex

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life. He said He had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time. The doctor asked which he liked best.He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of people in them."
Sex

What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said "Me too."Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Sex

A Guide to Love and Sex for VirginsAs a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have manyquestions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive andfrank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explainseverything you've ever wondered about.Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has adifferent ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should actand look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can giveyou a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That'sright, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer andlots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick aman that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, Irecommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possiblyreassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest youtry out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it'sup to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approachmen on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the icewith simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.Q: What if a man's married ?A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuableexperience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sortof commitment.Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourselfpregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says hiswife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believehim and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'llsoon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such importantmatters.Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comesto love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, sincethey're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?A: YES. Before if possible.Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing toremember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may atfirst seem strange to you. Do them anyway.Q: How long should the sex act last ?A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed orembarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have anatural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends toplay golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with hisfriends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcoholand sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel leftout - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him anexpensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.Q: What is "afterplay" ?A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manlyenergy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you todo after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, makinghim a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him aloneto sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, isimportant, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect malepenis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that isextremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is sevencentimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank youlucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing hislaundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.Q: What about the orgasm ?A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.Q: Are you sure ?A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experiencedmen or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend bygoing out and buying him an expensive gift.
Sex

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that hispoor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for hismigraines and STILL no improvement."Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'mgoing to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I havea migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for awhile. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I canstand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then Iget out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head iskilling me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, theheadache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back andsee me in six weeks."Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I tookyour advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!""Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help.""By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
Sex

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic isbarely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver islooking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex onsomeone's front lawn."Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sexdoggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its prettycool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wifea margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexualposition."The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it atry. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and thepassenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It wasgreat.But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
Sex

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Sex

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!" Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!" Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again. Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again." This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Sex

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"
Sex

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
Sex

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said, "You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."
Sex

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night.""OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?""Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too.""I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?""Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
Sex

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She brokedown and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
Sex

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Sex

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified."You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Sex

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing."Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!""WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
Sex

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.Can you help me?""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proudphysician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, thatdoes the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merryway.A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on thestreet. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got tothank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sexfourteen times in eight days!""Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What doesyour wife think about it?""Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
Sex

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wifeone Friday evening and read's: Dear Wife (that's whathe called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive thisletter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautifuland sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at thehotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54and by the time you receive this letter I will be atthe Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 yearold toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more timesthan 54 goes into 18!!!!
Sex

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted t dosomething special to please him on hisbirthday, so she bought a pair of crotchlesspanties. That night, as he came into the house, shelay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle."Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all wantsome of this?""Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it'sdone to your undies!"
Sex

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits himdown and begins the standard speech he gives to seniorcitizens, about how as the body ages bodily functionsslow down and it is completely normal to suffer somedecrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worryor become upset about it, but should just relax andthings will probably be completely fine andblah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "Whendid you first begin to think you were impotent?""Three times last night, and again this morning."
Sex

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
Sex

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex? Mace...
Sex

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished upand the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend gotmad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the carand went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked forit back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give u a dollar." "Well," little boy thought, "Okay."So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what justwhat just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but Itricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"
Sex

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"
Sex

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.The doctor took one look at this woman and all hisprofessionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she haddisrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doingso, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasionsor dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," saidthe doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Doyou know what I'm doing now?" he asked."Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps orbreast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexualintercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doingnow?""Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place."
Sex

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex islike riding a bicycle.I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...
Sex

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint."Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.""Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head.""Thats what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."
Sex

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign thatsays; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy wasinterested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay."Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier. "Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied."Nope! Sorry play again".So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at thesame place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he wasreally ticked:"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number tohave free sex!" He screamed."Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 timeslast week alone!"
Sex

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar gettingdrunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down."My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said."What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she toldme that I was too kinky for her, too!"The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have somuch in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to havekinky sex.When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrixoutfit.However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting onhis coat and walking out the door."What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit inyour purse. I'm done."
Sex

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girlcould be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbedreplied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."
Sex

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hookersays, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that'sfor a hand job." "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the manexclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!" The hookersummons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. "See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I cando with my hands." Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 andsure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexualexperience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "Godthat was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?" "$2500," the hooker replied. "$2500 for a blowjob?" Cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!" Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing acrossthe street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it." Once again the hookertakes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasurehe received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How muchdo you get for pussy?" The hooker drags the man to the window for a thirdtime, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there onthe corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"Sent by TJ
Sex

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant.""But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.""Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
Sex

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,""That sounds wonderful," said Brian."Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw youmaking love to her daughter?""Baaaaaaa."
Sex

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visaapplication. The border official look s over his shoulder,and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' intothe small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what wemean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
Sex

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"Which woke Ed."What's going on?" said Ed."I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted."How come?" said Ed."To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in mylife!" said TedAfter a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?""Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted."Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
Sex

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman witha six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
Sex

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"
Sex

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!" "Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's an anomaly." "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
Sex

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
Sex

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked
Sex

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up."OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."
Sex

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!""Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back."That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man."Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, butthats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor."You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
Sex

How is sex like air?It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Sex

A REDNECK BRINGS HIS DAUGHTER TO THE GYNOCOLOGIST FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.THE DR. ASKS,"IS YOUR DAUGHTER SEXUALLY ACTIVE?"THE REDNECK SAYS,"NAW, SHE JUST LAYS THERE LIKE HER MOTHER.Sent by BOBBY
Sex

Do you know why it's called sex?Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!
Sex

Different sex outcomesBrunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"Blonde after sex: "Next!"Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."
Sex

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
Sex

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
Sex

Did you know Sex is a crime?Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..
Sex

One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on. She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway". The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
Sex

What is a man's idea of protected sex?A padded headboard.
Sex

AMNESIA:Condition that enables a woman who has gone throughlabor to have sex again.
Sex

Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.Patient sticks out his tongue...
Sex

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
Sex

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
Sex

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minorheart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. Thecardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'llbe the best thing you can do for your recovery."So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife whatthe doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."
Sex

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. "How do you plead?" asked the judge."Guilty or not guilty.""Not guilty," replied the man."On what grounds?" queried the judge."I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."
Sex

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."Sent by soh
Sex

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."
Sex

It has been determined that having sex before participatingin athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does notimpair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have knownand displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glanceat their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Sex

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?" She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Sex

Why is sex like money in the bank?Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.Sent by Annette
Sex

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie wentstraight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmotherand comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells wouldstart to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Sex

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
Sex

Definition of bad lover:An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
Sex

Oprectomy KENMORE HOSPITAL 61 COMMONWEALTH AVE. BOSTON, MA. 02115 DATE:____________NAME:ADDRESS:Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of thisextremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connectsyour eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shittyoutlook on life. Sincerely, J. Grabber, M.D. Kenmore Hospital
Medicine

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatristsuggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the firstpicture and asks the man what he sees."A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man whathe sees."A man and a woman making love in a boat."He holds up the third picture."A man and a woman making love at the beach."This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says hesees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes andsays, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
Medicine

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.
Medicine

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Medicine

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!" The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know." Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said. The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
Medicine

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
Medicine

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two orthree." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."
Medicine

Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Women

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!! BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Women

A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?" Son, "Well, before?" Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son." Son, "well what about after?" Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
Women

A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE1. Get up. 2. Pee. 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 4. Pee. 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle. 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee. 11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.
Women

The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob Sleep
Women

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty yearold daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from SanFrancisco to Washington. "For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked youand raped you!" "I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm himdown. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going toWashington, because thats where they have the best treatment forsexually transmitted diseases."
Women

Seminars for Men COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks) COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST
Men

Are YOU A HARD MAN?1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?a) Whisper back "I love you too".b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.4/. If you break wind during the night do you?a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)Blame her and give her a boot.5/. If she breaks wind do you?a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.b) Clout the bitch.c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in andstick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol andset fire to the cunts.7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap andshe's in the bath. Do you?a) Go next door and use theirs.b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of theshell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlingstaking off.8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?a) Wait until next week.b) Wank.c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on theRibena ad.9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then getpissed.10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.15 - 29. You must try harder.30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
Men

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A) SECOND YEAR: Autumn Schedule SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mother-in-Law MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)
Men

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.
Men

IDEAL DATEAt 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
Men

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses aninflatable sex doll?Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.
Men

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick,and one with a nine foot dick.The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the otherperson would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl overthere? Bam. Got her."
Men

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? Because he's plugged into a woman!
Men

Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually exited?A. He's Breathing.
Men

What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex? Fill his water bed with gasoline.
Men

Partial DosageAn elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked thepharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. Howmany do you want?"The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sexanymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Elderly

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
Elderly

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
Elderly

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it to the White House at [3]president@whitehouse.gov Name: Hometown: Sex: F__ Age: Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot: ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:... You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon, Uncle Sam wants you. *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Politics

Hillary and Chelsea were having a deep dish heartto heart talk about Chelsea's college experiences. Hillary: So have you found dating to be fullflling experience? Chelsea: It's okay..but i don't like how the boys sometimes act like real sex hounds. Hillary: Well, uh, have you, uh, actually had sex? Chelsea: Well Mom, no, not IF you define sex the way Daddy does.
Politics

Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter."'It's me, Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton."Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Politics

Why did the chicken cross the road?BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time.I did not have sexual relations withthat chicken.
Politics

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?"Not according to Dad."
Politics

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Legal

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"She said, "Do you like sex?"I said, "Of course I like sex."She said, "Do you like to travel?"I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."She said, "Then fuck off."
Ouch

OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused herto clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
Ouch

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
School

Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
School

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
School

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."
School

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
School

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"
School

66.A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Travel

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.''Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
War

Safest Way to Drive Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American drivinghabits, offers the following advice:The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directlyproportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one'sexposure.One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirdsare caused by non-drunk drivers.Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
Science

Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetryin which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes andbold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably GreenEggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower WithMommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under thepseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freudin a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two youngchildren understand their own frustrated sexuality.The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through thewindow of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, alarge tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, tauntingthe children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexualyearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to themost unlearned reader, the blatant references to theincestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss'sprobing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs.The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging inwhat he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point,the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents theprevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children,and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangersassociated with the unleashing of the primal urges. Inresponse to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquaticnaysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,"Down with morality; down with God!"After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterloggedChrist figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons ofWestern culture, most notably two books, representing the Oldand New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironicreference to maternal loss the two children experienced whentheir mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroicId adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thuscompletes the Oedipal triangle.Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora'sbox, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche thatserves as the conscious mediator between the person andreality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to rewardand punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience,and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look atthis trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses thechildren as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks thereader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superegoallow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, ormore symbolically, control their lives. This rampagecontinues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that themother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle thatexisted before her abandonment of the children. At thispoint, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device whichrepresents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to putthe two youngsters' lives back in order.With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reducesFreud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to aneasily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice ofwords is equally impressive and serves as a splendidcounterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing styleis quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible toput down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and onecan read it in five minutes or less, it is not until aftermultiple readings that the genius of this modern day masterbecomes apparent.
Science

What do a meteorologist in a snowstormand a woman's sex life have in common?They're both concerned with how manyinches and how long it will last.
Science

A long time resident of San Francisco is packing allhis stuff into boxes. His roommate comes in & askswhat he's doing. "I'm leaving !" he replies. "They justmade homosexuality legal.""So why leave now ?" queries his roomie. "Gays havebeen part of the scene here for years and years.""Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell outof here before the damn fools make it compulsory."
Science

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes." Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men`s penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
Science

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.People are running frantically, trying to figure outwhat to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisperto each other and run in front of the choking lady. Onestrips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in frontof his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged foodfrom her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the twohomosexuals return to their food.One turns to the other and says,"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
Science

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami."Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely."What do you think I am?" replied the fag, "...a money box!"
Science

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist."I'm in love with my horse," he said."But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.""Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.""Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?""Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"
Science

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened tomention that he had gotten circumcised last week."Can I see it?" asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptlydropped his pants to show off his cock."Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"
Science

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:IndubitablyInnovativePreliminaryProliferationCinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:SpecificityBritish ConstitutionPassive-aggressive disorderLoquacious TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:Thanks, but I don't want to have sexNope, no more booze for meSorry, but you're not really my typeGood evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Drunks

|Merry Christmas in Legal TermsPlease accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Lawyer Jokes

|All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.MemorandumTo: All EmployeesFrom: HeadquartersSubject: Business Travel Policy GuidelinesDate: June 16, 2000Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.TransportationIf commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.LodgingAll employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.MealsExpenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.EntertainmentEntertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.MiscellaneousAll employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Business Jokes

|Lease a Nuke!Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement. Why lease? By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too. Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously. Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers? Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action. With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army. The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability. The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives. Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger. Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power. Dr. Nuketopia, Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy (Opinions strictly reflect the party line)
Military Jokes

|AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non-zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch AnywhereBAC Branch to Alpha CentauriBAD Branch And DieBAD Branch to Auto DestructBAF Blow All FusesBAH Branch And HangBALC Branch And Link CheeseburgerBAP Branch And PuntBAW Bells And WhistlesBB Branch on BugBBBB Byte Baudy Bit and BranchBBBF Branch on Bit Bucket FullBBD Branch on Bastille DayBBI Branch on Burned-out IndicatorBBIL Branch on Burned-out Indicator LightBBLB Branch on Blinking Light BulbBBT Branch on Binary TreeBBW Branch Both WaysBCB Burp and Clear BytesBCF Branch on Chip box FullBCIL Branch Creating Infinite LoopBCR Backspace Card ReaderBCS Branch and Crash SystemBCU Be Cruel and UnusualBD Backspace DiskBD Branch to DataBDC Break Down and CryBDI Branch to Data IndirectBDM Branch and Disconnect MemoryBDT Burn Data TreeBDU Branch on Dense UserBE Branch EverywhereBEW Branch Either WayBF Belch FireBF Blow FuseBF Branch ForeverBFD Branch on Full DiskBFF Branch and Form FeedBFM Be Fruitful and MultiplyBH Branch and HangBIR Branch Inside RanchBIRM Branch on Index Register MissingBLC Branch and Loop ContinuousBLI Branch and Loop InfiniteBLM Branch, Like, MaybeBLMWM Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, ManBLP Boot from Line PrinterBLR Branch and Lose ReturnBLSH Buy Low, Sell HighBLT Break Little ThingBM Branch MaybeBMI Blow up Memory ImmediateBMI Branch on Missing IndexBMI Branch to Muncee ImmediateBMP Branch and Make PopcornBMR Branch Multiple RegistersBMUS Beam Me Up, ScottyBNA Branch to Nonexistant AddressBNCB Branch and Never Come BackBNL Become a Neo-LudditeBNR Branch for No ReasonBOB Branch On BugBOD Beat On DiskBOD Branch on Operator DesperateBOH Branch On HumidityBOH Branch on Operator HighBOHP Bribe Operator for Higher PriorityBOI Byte Operator ImmediatelyBOP Boot OPeratorBOT Branch On TreeBPB Branch on Program BugBPDI Be Polite, Don't InterruptBPIM Bury Programmer In ManualsBPL Branch PLeaseBPM Become a Psych MajorBPO Branch on Power OffBPO Branch on Power OnBPP Branch and Pull the PlugBR Byte and RunBRA Branch to Random AddressBRB BRanch on BeaverBRH BRanch and HangBRI BRanch IndefinitelyBRL BRanch and LeakBRO BRanch and OverheatBRO BRanch to OblivionBS Behave StrangelyBSC Branch on Second ComingBSC Burst Selector ChannelBSD BackSpace DiskBSI Back up Sewer ImmediateBSI Backup Sewer ImmediatelyBSM Branch and Scramble MemoryBSO Branch on Sleepy OperatorBSP BackSpace PunchBSR Branch and Stomp RegistersBSS Branch on SunSpotBSST BackSpace and Stretch TapeBTD Branch on Time of DayBTD Byte The DustBTI Blow Trumpet ImmediatelyBTJ Branch and Turn JapaneseBTO Branch To OblivionBTW Branch on Third WednesdayBU Branch UnexpectedlyBUTI Blow Up Terminal ImmediatelyBVS Branch and Veer SouthBW Branch on WhimBWC Branch When ConvenientBWF Busy, Wait ForeverBWOP BeWilder OPeratorBYDS Beware Your Dark SideBYTE BYte TEstCAC Calling All CarsCAC Cash And CarryCAF Convert ASCII to FarsiiCAI Corrupt Accounting InformationCAIL Crash After I LeaveCAR Cancel Accounts ReceivableCAT Confused And TiredCB Consult BozoCBA Compare and Branch AnywayCBBR Crash and Blow Boot Read-only memoryCBNC Close, But No CigarCBS Clobber BootStrapCC Call CalveryCC Compliment CoreCCB Chocolate Chip Byte-modeCCB Consult Crystal BallCCC Crash if Carry ClearCCCP Conditionally Corrupt Current ProcessCCD Choke Cough and DieCCD Clear Core and DumpCCR Change Channels at RandomCCS Chinese Character SetCCWR Change Color of Write RingCD Complement DiskCDC Clear Disk and CrashCDC Close Disk CoverCDIOOAZ Calm Down, It's Only Ones And ZeroesCDS Change Disk SpeedCEMU Close Eyes and Monkey with User spaceCEX Call EXterminatorCF Come From [replaces goto]CFE Call Field EngineerCFP Change and Forget PasswordCFS Corrupt File StructureCG Convert to GarbageCH Create HavocCHCJ Compare Haig to Christine JorgensenCHPAMR CHase Pointers Around Machine RoomCHSE Compare Half-words and Swap if EqualCIB Change Important ByteCIC Cash In ChipsCID Compare and Ignore DataCIMM Create Imaginary Memory MapCIZ Clear If ZeroCLBR CLoBber RegisterCLBRI CLoBber Register ImmediateCM Circulate MemoryCMD CPU Melt DownCMD Compare Meaningless DataCMI Clobber Monitor ImmediateCML Compute Meaning of LifeCMP Create Memory ProsthesisCMS Click MicroSwitchCN Compare NonsensicallyCNB Cause Nervous BreakdownCNS Call Nonexistent SubroutineCOCS Copy Object Code to SourceCOD Crash On DemandCOLB Crash for Operator's Lunch BreakCOM Clear Operator's MindCOMF COMe FromCON Call Operator NowCOS Copy Object code to Source fileCOWYHU Come Out With Your Hands UpCP Compliment ProgrammerCP%FKM CPU \(em FlaKeout ModeCP%WM CPU \(em Weird ModeCPB Create Program BugCPN Call Programmer NamesCPPR Crumple Printer Paper and RipCRASH Continue Running After Stop or HaltCRB CRash and BurnCRD Confirm Rumor by DenialCRM CReate MemoryCRM Clear Random MemoryCRN Compare with Random NumberCRN Convert to Roman NumeralsCRYPT reCuRsive encrYPt TapeCS Crash SystemCSL Curse and Swear LoudlyCSN Call Supervisor NamesCSNIO Crash System on Next I/OCSS Crash Subsidiary SystemsCSU Call Self UnconditionalCTDMR Change Tape Density, Mid RecordCTT Call Time and TemperatureCU Convert to UnaryCUC Cheat Until CaughtCVFL ConVert Floating to LogicalCVFP ConVert Fortran to PascalCVG ConVert to GarbageCVU ConVert to UnaryCWAH Create Woman And HoldCWB Carry With BorrowCWDC Cut Wires and Drop CoreCWG Chase Wild GooseCWGK Compare Watt to Genghis KhanCWIT Compare Watt to Ivan the TerribleCWM Compare Watt to MussoliniCWOM Complement Write-Only MemoryCZZC Convert Zone to Zip CodeDA Develop AmnesiaDAB Delete All BugsDAC Divide And ConquerDAD Destroy A-DiskDAO Divide And OverflowDAP De-select Active PeripheralDAUF Delete All Useless FilesDB Drop BitsDBL Desegregate Bus LinesDBR DeBase RegisterDBTP Drop Back Ten and PuntDBZ Divide By ZeroDC Degauss CoreDC Divide and ConquerDCAD Dump Core And DieDCD Drop Cards DoubleDCGC Dump Confusing Garbage to ConsoleDCI Disk Crash ImmediateDCON Disable CONsleDCR Double-precision CRashDCT Drop Cards TripleDD Destroy DiskDD Drop DiskDDC Dally During CalculationsDDOA Drop Dead On AnswerDDS Delaminate Disk SurfaceDDT Debug ProgramDDWB Deposit Directly in Waste BasketDEB Disk Eject BothDEC Decompile Executable CodeDEI Disk Eject ImmediateDEM Disk Eject MemoryDFA Disable FAnsDGO Decrement the Grades of OthersDGT Dispense Gin and TonicDHTPL Disk Head Three Point LandingDIA Develop Ineffective AddressDICE Delete Invalid Customer EngineerDIE DIsable EverythingDIF DIsable FusesDIG DIsable GravityDIH Disable Interrupts and HangDIRFO Do It Right For OnceDISC DISmount CPUDK Destroy KlingonsDKP Disavow Knowledge of ProgrammerDLN Don't Look NowDLP Drain Literal PoolDMAG Do MAGicDMNS Do what i Mean, Not what i SayDMP Destroy Memory Protect keyDMPE Decide to Major in Phys. Ed.DMPK Destroy Memory Protect KeyDMZ Divide Memory by ZeroDND Destroy Neighbor's DataDNPG Do Not Pass GoDO Divide and OverflowDO Divide and Overflow [IBM PC]DOC Drive Operator CrazyDOV Divide and OVerflowDP Destroy PeripheralsDPC Decrement Program CounterDPCS Decrement Program Counter SecretlyDPK Destroy storage Protect KeyDPMI Declare Programmer Mentally IncompetentDPN Double Precision No-opDPR Destroy PRogramDPS Disable Power SupplyDR Detach RootDRAF DRAw FlowchartDRAM Decrement RAMDRBA Deposit Round-off in my Bank AccountDRD DRop DeadDRI Disable Random InterruptDROM Destroy ROMDRT Disconnect Random TerminalDS Deadlock SystemDSD Dismount System DiskDSI Do Something InterestingDSO Disable System OperatorDSP Degrade System PerformanceDSR Detonate Status RegisterDSTD Do Something Totally DifferentDSUIT Do Something Utterly, Indescribably TerribleDT%FFP DecTape \(em unload and Flappa FlaPDT%SHO DecTape \(em Spin Hubs OppositeDTB Destructively Test BitDTC Destroy This CommandDTE Decrement Telephone ExtensionDTI Do The ImpossibleDTRT Do The Right ThingDTVFL Destroy Third Variable From LeftDU Dump UserDUD Do Until DeadDW Destroy WorldDWIM Do What I MeanDWIT Do What I'm ThinkingDWIW Do What I WantEA Enable AnythingEAC Emulate Acoustic CouplerEAL Enable AC to Logic rackEAO Enable AC to OperatorEBB Edit and Blank BufferEBB Empty Bit BucketEBR Erase Before ReadingEBRS Emit Burnt Resistor SmellEC Eat CardECF Explode and Catch FireECL Early Care LaceECO Electrocute Computer OperatorECP Erase Card PunchED Eject DiskED Execute DataEDD Eat Disk and DieEDIT Erase Data and Increment TimeEDP Emulate Debugged ProgramEDR Emit Deadly RadiationEDR Execute Destructive ReadEDS Execute Data SegmentEEOIFNO Execute Every Other Instruction From Now OnEEP Erase Entire ProgramEFB Emulate Five-volt BatteryEFD Eject Floppy DiskEFD Emulate Frisbee using Disk packEFE Emulate Fatal ErrorEHC Emulate Headless ChickenEIA Elvis Is AliveEIAO Execute In Any OrderEIO Erase I/O pageEIO Execute Invalid Op-codeEIO Execute Invalid OpcodeEIOC Execute Invalid Op-CodeEJD EJect DiskEJD%V EJect Disk \(em with initial velocity VELP Enter Loop PermenantlyEM EMulate 407EM Evacuate MemoryEMIF Erase Most Important FileEMM Emulate More MemoryEMPC EMulate Pocket CalculatorEMSE Edit and Mark Something ElseEMSL Entire Memory Shift LeftEMT Electrocute Maintenance TechnicianEMW Emulate Maytag WasherENA ENable AnythingENE ENable EverythingEND Erase Neighbor's DataENF Emit Noxious FumesENG ENable GravityENO Emulate No-OpEO Electrocute OperatorEOB Execute Operator and BranchEOI Explode On InterruptEOS Erase Operating SystemEP Execute ProgrammerEPD Explode Peripheral DeviceEPI Execute Programmer ImmediateEPITS Execute Previous Instruction Then SkipEPL Emulate Phone LineEPP Eject Printer PaperEPS Electrostatic Print and SmearEPS Execute Program SidewaysEPSW Execute Program Status WordEPT Erase Process TableEPT Erase Punched TapeERIC Eject Random Integrated CircuitERM Erase Reserved MemoryEROM Erase Read-Only MemoryEROS Erase Read-Only StorageEROS Erase Read-Only Storage [Everex int]ERS Erase Read-only StorageESB Eject Selectric BallESC Emulate System CrashESD Eject Spinning DishESL Exceed Speed of LightESP Enable SPrinkler systemETI Execute This InstructionETM Emulate Trinary MachineETPH E. T. Phone HomeEVC Execute Verbal CommandsEWD Enter Warp DriveEWM Enter Whimsy ModeEXB EXcrement and BranchEXE EXecute EngineerEXI EXecute Invalid operationEXO EXecute OperatorEXOP EXecute OPeratorEXP EXecute ProgrammerEXPP EXecute Political PrisonerFAY Fetch Amulet of YendorFB Find BugsFC Fry ConsoleFCJ Feed Card and JamFCJ Feed Cards and JamFD Forget DataFDR Feed Disk RandomlyFERA Forms Eject and Run AwayFFF Form Feed ForeverFLD FLing DiskFLI Flash Lights ImpressivelyFM Forget MemoryFMP Finish My ProgramFOPC False Out-of-Paper ConditionFPC Feed Paper ContinuouslyFPT Fire Photon TorpedoesFRG Fill with Random GarbageFRS Fetch Ring of SauronFS Feign SleepFSM Fold, Spindle, and MutilateFSR Form Skip and RunawayFSRA Forms Skip and Run AwayFYBR Follow Yellow Brick RoadGAP Grade All ProjectsGBB Go to Back of BusGCAR Get Correct Answer RegardlessGCR Generate Confusing ResultsGDP Grin Defiantly at ProgrammerGDR Grab Degree and RunGENT GENerate ThesisGEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}GFD Go Forth and DivideGFM Go Forth and MultiplyGIE Generate Irreversible ErrorGL Get LostGLC Generate Lewd CommentGMC Generate Machine CheckGMCC Generate Machine Check and CashGND Guess at Next DigitGORS GO Real SlowGPCR Generate Petty Cache RequestGR Get RealGREM Generate Random Error MessageGREP Global Ruin, Expiration, and PurgationGRMC Generate Rubber Machine CheckGS Get StrangeGSB Gulp and Store BytesGSI Generate Spurious InterruptsGSU Geometric Shift UpGTJ Go To JailHAC Hold All CallsHACF Halt And Catch FireHAH Halt And HangHBW Hang Bus and WaitHCF Halt and Catch FireHCP Hide Central ProcessorHCRS Hang in CRitical SectionHDH Hi Dee HoHDO Halt and Disable OperatorHDRW Halt and Display Random WordHELP Hinder Everyone with Little ProductivityHELP Type 'No Help Available'HEO Halt and Execute OperatorHF Hide FileHGD Halt, Get DrunkHHB Halt and Hang BusHIS Halt in Imposible StateHOO Hide Operator's OutputHRPR Hang up and Ruin Printer RibbonHSC Halt on System CrashHSJ Halt, Skip and JumpHTC Halt and Toss CookiesHTS Halt and Throw SparksHUAL Halt Until After LunchHUP Hang Up PhoneHWP Halt Without ProvocationIA Illocical AndIAE Ignore All ExceptionsIAI Inquire And IgnoreIAND Illogical ANDIAR Ignore All RequestsIB Insert BugIBM Increment and Branch to MunceeIBP Insert Bug and ProceedIBR Insert Bugs at RandomICB Interrupt, Crash and BurnICM Immerse Central MemoryICMD Initiate Core Melt DownICR Incur Costly Repair [Sun Tempest]ICSP Invert Crt Screen PictureIDC Initiate Destruct CommandIDI Invoke Divine InterventionIDNOP InDirect No-OPIDPS Ignore Disk Protect SwitchIEOF Ignore End Of FileIF Invoke ForceIGI Increment Grade ImmediateIGIT Increment Grade Immediate TwiceIGO Increment Grade OvernightIHC Initiate Head CrashIHTFP Increment Hormones, Test For PubertyII Inquire and IgnoreIIB Ignore Inquiry and BranchIIC Insert Invisible CharactersIIL Irreversable Infinite LoopIM Imagine MemoryIMBP Insert Mistake and Blame ProgrammerIMP Imitate Monty PythonIMPG IMPress GirlfriendIMV IMpress VisitorsINCAM INCrement Arbitrary MemoryING INquire and iGnoreINI Ignore Next InstructionINOP Indirect No-OPINR INstigate RumorINW INvalidate WarrantyIOI Ignore Operator's InstructionIOR Illogical ORIOS Ignore Operating SystemIP Increment and PrayIPI Ignore Previous InstructionIPM Ignore Programmer's MistakesIPOP Interrupt Processor, Order PizzaIPS Incinerate Power SupplyIPS Increment Power SupplyIPT Ignite Paper TapeIRB Invert Record and BranchIRBI Insert Random Bits IndexedIRC Insert Random CommandsIRE Insert Random ErrorsIRI Ignore Rude InterruptsIRPF Infinite Recursive Page FaultISC Ignore Supervisor CallsISC Ignore System CrashISC Insert Sarcastic CommentsISI Increment and Skip on InifinityISP Increment and Skip on PiISTK Invert STacKITML Initiate Termites into Macro LibraryIU Ignore User[s]IXOR Illogical eXclusive ORIZ Ignore ZeroesJAA Jump Almost AlwaysJBS Jump and Blow StackJCI Jump to Current InstructionJFM Jump on Full MoonJHRB Jump to H&R BlockJLP Jump and Lose PointerJLR Jump and Lose ReturnJMAT JuMp on Alternate ThursdaysJN Jump to NowhereJNL Jump when programmer is Not LookingJOB Jump On BeaverJOM Jump Out of MemoryJOM Jump Over MoonJOP Jump OPeratorJPA Jump when Pizza ArrivesJRAN Jump RANdomJRCF Jump Relative and Catch FireJRGA Jump Relative and Get ArrestedJRL Jump to Random LocationJRSR Jump to Random SubRoutineJSC Jump on System CrashJSOR Jump Somewhere Over RainbowJSU Jump Self UnconditionalJT Jump if TuesdayJTT Jump and Tangle TapeJTZ Jump to Twilight ZoneJWN Jump When NecessaryKCE Kill Consultant on ErrorKCE Kill repairman [CE]KDO Knock Disk OverKEPITU Kill Every Process In The UniverseKOP Kill OPeratorKP Krunch PaperKPR Kill PRogrammerKSR Keyboard Shift RightKUD Kill User's DataKWWE Kill Wicked Witch of EastKWWW Kill Wicked Witch of WestLAC Lose All CommunicationLAGW Load And Go WrongLAP Laugh At ProgramLAP Laugh At ProgrammerLCC Load and Clear CoreLCD Launch Cartridge DiskLCK Lock Console KeyswitchLEB Link Edit BackwardsLIA Load Ineffective AddressLMB Lose Message and BranchLMO Load and Mug OperatorLMYB Logical MaYBeLN Lose inode NumberLNP Load N digits of PiLOSM Log Off System ManagerLP%PAS Line Printer \(em Print And SmearLP%RDD Line Printer \(em Reverse Drum DirectionLP%TCR Line Printer \(em Tangle and Chew RibbonLPA Lead Programmer AstrayLPRTC Load Program counter from Real Time ClockLR Load RevolverLRA Load RetroActivelyLRB Lose Record and BranchLRD Load Random DataLSPSW Load and Scramble PSWLTS Link To SputnikLTS Loop Till SmokesLUM LUbricate MemoryLWE Load WhatEverLWM Load Write-only MemoryMAB Melt Address BusMAN Make Animal NoisesMAZ Multiply Answer by ZeroMBC Make Batch ConfettiMBF Multiply and Be FruitfulMBH Memory Bank Hold-upMBTD Mount Beatles on Tape DriveMBTOL Move Bug To Operator's LunchMC Move ContinuousMD Move DeviousMDB Move and Drop BitsMDC Make Disk CrashMDDHAF Make Disk Drive Hop Across FloorMFO Mount Female OperatorMILI Move It or Lose ItMLB Memory Left shift and BranchMLP Make Lousy ProgramMLP Multiply and Lose PrecisionMLR Move and Lose RecordMMF Melt Main FrameMMLG Make Me Look GoodMNI Misread Next InstructionMOG Make Operator GrowlMOP Modify Operator's PersonalityMPLP Make Pretty Light PatternMRZ Make Random ZapMSGD Make Screen Go DimMSP Mistake Sign for ParityMSPI Make Sure Plugged InMSR Melt Special RegisterMST Mount Scotch TapeMTE Mangle Tape on ExitMTI Make Tape InvalidMUG Make Ugly GraphicsMUM Multi-Use MnemonicsMW Malfunction WheneverMW Multiply WorkMWC Move and Wrap CoreMWT Malfunction Without TellingNBC Negate By ClearingNCW Notch Carriage and WayNMI Negate Most IntegersNOP Needlessly Omit PointerNPC Normalize Program CounterNPN No Program Necessary [VAX]NTGH Not Tonight, i've Got a HeadacheOBB Overflow Bit BucketOCF Open Circular FileOMC Obscene Message to ConsoleOMC Overheat Memory ChipOML Obey Murphy's LawsOPI Order Pizza ImmediatelyOPP Order Pizza for ProgrammerOSI Overflow Stack ImmediateOSI Overflow Stack IndefiniteOSP Open Six-PackOTL Out To LunchOU Offend UserP$*! Punch ObscenityPA Punch in ASCIIPAL Pack And LeavePAS Print And SmearPAUD PAUse DramaticallyPAZ Pack Alpha ZonePAZ Pack Alpha and drop ZonesPBC Print and Break ChainPBD Print and Break DrumPBL Pack Bags and LeavePBM Pop Bubble MemoryPBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag PleasePBST Play Batch mode Star TrekPCB Pause for Coffee BreakPCD PunCh DiskPCI Pleat Cards ImmediatePCR Print and Cut RibbonPCS Push to Centre of StackPD Play DeadPD Punch DiskPDLD Power Down and Lock Door [to computer room]PDSK Punch DiSKPEHC Punch Extra Holes in CardsPEP Print on Edge of PaperPFD Punt on Fourth DownPFE Print Floating EyePFML Print Four Million LinesPG Print GarbagePHO Pull Hair OutPI Punch InvalidPIBM Pretend to be an IBMPIC Print Illegible CharactersPIC Print Invalid CharacterPIC Punch Invalid CharacterPLSC Perform Light Show on ConsolePNIH Place Needle In HaystackPNRP Print Nasty Replies to ProgrammerPO Punch OperatorPOCL Punch Out Console LightsPOG Print Only GreekPOP Pop Or PushPOPI Punch OPerator ImmediatePOPN Punch OPerator's NosePPA Print Paper AirplanesPPC Purge Pascal Compiler [HP 3000]PPL Perform Perpetual LoopPPP Print Programmer's PicturePPR Play Punk RockPPSW Pack Program Status WordPPSW Pack Progran Status WordPRS PRint and SmearPSP Print and Shred PaperPSR Print and Shred RibbonPTP Produce Toilet PaperPUO Perform Unknown OperationPVLC Punch Variable Length CardPWP Print Without PaperPWS create PoWer SurgePYS Program YourSelfQBDH Quit and Become a DeadHeadQWYA Quit While Your AheadRA Randomize AnswerRAM Randomly Access MemoryRAM Read Ambiguous MemoryRAN RANdom opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]RASC Read And Shred CardRAST Read And Shred TapeRAU Ridicule All UsersRBAO Ring Bell and Annoy OperatorRBLY Restore Back-up from Last YearRBT Read Blank TapeRBT Rewind and Break TapeRC Rewind CoreRCAJ Read Card And JamRCB Read Command BackwardsRCB Run Clock BackwardsRCC Read Card and ChewRCCP Randomly Corrupt Current ProcessRCF Rewind Cabinet FansRCKG Read Count Key and GarbageRCL Rotate Carry LeftRCP Reschedule Car PaymentsRCR Rewind Card ReaderRCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse VideoRCS Read Card and Scramble dataRCSD Read Card and Scramble DataRD Randomize DataRD Reverse DirectionsRDA Refuse to Disclose AnswerRDB Replace Database with BlanksRDB Run Disk BackwardsRDD Reverse Disk DriveRDDBF Rock Disk Drive Back and ForthRDEB Read and Drop Even number of BitsRDF Randomize Directory FilenamesRDI Reverse Drum ImmediateRDI Reverse Drun ImmediateRDI Rewind Disk ImmediateRDR Reverse Disk RotationRDS ReaD SidewaysRENVR REName Variables RandomlyRET Read and Erase TapeRF Read FingerprintsRG Record GarbageRHNEZ Randomize and Halt if Not Equal to ZeroRHO Randomize and Hold all OutputRIC Rotate Illogical thru CarryRID Read Invalid DataRIG Read Inter-record GapRIOP Rotate I/O PortsRIR Read Invalid RecordRIRG Read Inter-Record GapRJE Return Jump and ExplodeRLC Relocate and Lose CoreRLC Reread Last CardRLC Rotate Left with CarolynRLI Rotate Left IndefinitelyRLP Refill Light PenRLP Rewind Line PrinterRM Ruin My filesRMI Randomize Memory ImmediateRMM Read Manager's MindRMT ReMove TrapRMV Remove Memory VirtuesRN Read NoiseRNBS Reflect Next Bus SignalRNR Read Noise RecordROC Randomize Op CodesROC Rotate Outward from CenterROD ROtate DiagonallyROM Read Operator's MindROO Rub Out OperatorROOP Run Out Of PaperROPF Read Other People's FilesROS Reject Operating SystemROS Return On ShieldRP Read PrinterRPB Raise Parity BitsRPB Read Print and BlushRPB Reverse Parity and BranchRPBR Reverse Parity and BRanchRPC Rotate Program CounterRPM Read Programmer's MindRPU Read character and Print UpsidedownRRC Rotate Random thru CarryRRR Randomly Rotate RegisterRRR Read Record and Run awayRRR Read Record and Run-awayRRRL Random Rotate Register LeftRRRR Random Rotate Register RightRRSTC Return on Ruby Slippers Triple-ClickRRT Record and Rip TapeRS Random SlewRSD on Read error Self-DestructRST Rewind and Stretch TapeRSTOM Read from STore-Only MemoryRT Reduce ThroughputRTP Reduce ThroughPutRTS Return To SenderRVAC Return from VACationRWC ReWind and Crash headsRWCR ReWind Card ReaderRWD ReWind DiskRWE Run Without ErrorRWF Read Wrong FileRWT Read/Write while stretching TapeSA Store AnywhereSAD Search And DestroySAI Skip All InstructionsSAK Snooze At KeyboardSAS Show Appendix ScarSAS Sit And SpinSBE Swap Bits ErraticallySBF Skip on Bitbucket FullSC Scramble ChannelsSC Shred CardsSCB Spindle Card and BelchSCCA Short Circuit on Correct AnswerSCD Shuffle and Cut DecSCH Slit Cards HorizontalSCI Shred Cards ImmediateSCM Set for Crash ModeSCOM Set Cobol-Only ModeSCP SCatter PrinterSCRRC SCRamble Register ContentsSCST Switch Channel to Star TrekSCTR Stick Card To ReaderSD Scramble DirectorySD Slip DiskSDC Spool Disk to ConsoleSDD Seek and Destroy DataSDD Spin Disk DrySDDB Snap Disk Drive BeltSDE Solve Differential EquationsSDI Self Destruct ImmediateSDM Search and Destroy MemorySDR Slam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]SEB Stop Eating and BurpSEOB Set Every Other BitSESUR Sing Elvis Songs Until he ReturnsSEX Set EXecution registerSEX Sign EXtendSFH Set Flags to Half-mastSFP Send For PizzaSFR Send For ReinforcementsSFT Stall For TimeSFTT Strip Form Tractor TeethSHAB SHift A BitSHABM SHift A Bit MoreSHB Stop and Hang BusSHCD SHuffle Card DeckSHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent no-op]SHR SHift RandomSHRC SHRed CardSHRT SHRed TapeSID Switch to Infinite DensitySIP Store Indefinite PrecisionSJV Scramble Jump VectorsSLP Sharpen Light PenSMC Scramble Memory ContentsSMD Spontaneous Memory DumpSMR Skip on Meaningless ResultSMS Shred Mylar SurfaceSNARF System Normalize And Reset FlagsSNM Show No MercySNO Send Nukes on OverflowSOAWP SOlve All the World'd ProblemsSOB Stew On BrewSOD Surrender Or DieSOL Shift On LowSOP Stop and Order PizzaSOS Sign Off, StupidSOT Sit On a TackSP Scatter PrintSPA Sliding Point ArithmeticSPB Simulate Peanut ButterSPD SPin DiskSPS Set Panel SwitchesSPSW Scramble Program Status WordSQPWYC Sit Quietly and Play With Your CrayonsSRBO Set Random Bits to OnesSRBZ Set Random Bits to ZeroesSRC Select Random ChannelSRC Select Reader and Chew cardsSRCC Select Reader and Chew CardsSRD Switch to Random DensitySRDR Shift Right Double RidiculousSRO Sort with Random OrderingSROS Store in Read-Only StorageSRR Shift Registers RandomSRSD Seek Record and Scar DiskSRSD Seek Record and Scratch DiskSRTC Stop Real-Time ClockSRU Signoff Random UserSRZ Subtract and Reset to ZeroSSB Scramble Status ByteSSD Scratch System DiskSSD Stacker Select DiskSSD Stop and Scratch Disk [3815]SSJ Select Stacker and JamSSJP Select Stacker and JumPSSM Solve by Supernatural MeansSSM Stacker Select MemorySSP Seek SPindleSSP Smoke and SParkSST Seek and Stretch TapeSSW Scramble Status WordST Set and TestSTA STore AnywhereSTC Slow To a CrawlSTD Stop, Take DrugsSTM STretch MagtapeSTM Skip on Third MondaySTO Strangle Tape OperatorSTPR SToP RainSTRIKE STRIKE for more pay, better hours, etc.STROM STore in Read-Only MemorySTTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred BaudSUIQ Subtract User's IQSUME SUprise MESUP Shred User PrintoutSUP Solve Unsolvable ProblemSUS Stop Until SpringSUS Subtract Until SenselessSWAT SWAp TerminalsSWN SWap NibblesSWOS Store in Write-Only StorageSWS Sort to Wrong SlotsSWT Select Wrong TerminalSWU Select Wrong UnitSWZN Skip Whether Zero or NotSZD Switch to Zero DensityTAH Take A HikeTAI Trap Absurd InputsTARC Take Arithmetic Review CourseTBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To GoTC Transmit ColorsTDB Transfer and Drop BitsTDRB Test and Destroy Random BitsTDS Trash Data SegmentTET Triple Execution Time [SUN]TLNF Teach me a Lesson i'll Never ForgetTLO Turn indicator Lights OffTLW Transfer and Lose WayTN Take a NapTOAC Turn Off Air ConditionerTOG Take Out GarbageTOG Time Out, GraduateTOH Take Operator HostageTOO Turn On/off OperatorTOP Trap OPeratorTOS Trash Operating SystemTOW Take Over WorldTPD Terminal Printer DestructTPD Total Program DiagnosticTPD Triple Pack DecimalTPDH Tell Programmer to Do it HimselfTPF Turn Power oFfTPN Turn Power oNTPO Turn Power OffTPR Tear PapeRTR Turn into RubbishTRA Te Rdls Arvs [type ridiculous abbreviations]TRD TRansfer and Drop bitTSH Trap Secretary and HaltTSM Trap Secretary and MountTST Trash System TracksTT%CN TeleType \(em Clunk NoiseTT%EKB TeleType \(em Electrify KeyBoardTTA Try, Try AgainTTIHLIC Try To Imagine How Little I CareTTITT Turn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot TapesTTL Tap Trunk LineTTL Time To LogoffTYF Trust Your FeelingsUA Unload AccumulatorUAI Use Alternate Instruction setUAPA(AM) Use All Power Available (And More)UCB Uncouple CPU and BranchUCIP Update Card In PlaceUCK Unlock Console KeyswitchUCLB Uncouple Comm Lines and BranchUCM Uncouple CoMm lines and branchUCPUB Uncouple CPUs and BranchUDR Update and Delete RecordUER Update and Erase RecordUFO Unidentified Flag OperationULDA UnLoaD AccumulatorUMR Unlock Machine RoomUNPD UNPlug and DumpUOP Useless OPerationUP Understand Program[mer]UPA Use all Power AvailableUPC Understand Program[mer]'s CommentsUPI Undo Previous InstructionURB Update, Resume and BranchUTF Unwind Tape onto FloorUTF Use The ForceUUBR Use Undefined Base RegisterVAX Violate All eXecutionsVFE Violate Field EngineerVFO Violate Female OperatorVMA Violate Maintenance AgreementVNO Violate Noise OrdinanceVPA Vanishing Point ArithmeticVVM Vaporize Virtual MemoryWAD Walk Away in DisgustWAT WAste TimeWBB Write to the Bit BucketWBT Water Binary TreeWC Waste CoreWCR Write to Card ReaderWDR Warp disk DRiveWED Write and Erase DataWEMG Write Eighteen Minute GapWF Wait ForeverWGPB Write Garbage in Process-control BlockWHFO Wait until Hell Freezes OverWHP Wave Hands over ProgramWI Why ImmediateWI Write IllegiblyWID Write Invalid DataWMC Write Millions of CommentsWNAM We Need A MiracleWNHR Write New Hit RecordWNR Write Noise RecordWP Write PoopWPET Write Past End of TapeWPM Write Programmer's MindWSE Write Stack EverywhereWSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous WaysWUPO Wad Up Printer OutputWWLR Write Wrong Length RecordWWR Write Wrong RecordXXIO eXecute Invalid OpcodeXXKF eXecute Kermit the FrogXXM eXclusive MaybeXXMB eXclusive MayBeXXOH eXecute no-Op and HangXXOR eXecute OpeRatorXXOS eXchange Operator's SexXXPR eXecute PRogrammerXXPSW eXecute Program Status WordXXSP eXecute Systems ProgrammerXXVF eXchange Virtue for FunYAB Yet Another BugYASE Yet Another Stupid ErrorZAP Zero and Add PackedZAR Zero Any RegisterZD Zap DirectoryZEOW Zero Every Other WordZPI ZaP Immediate
Computing Jokes

|You kiss your girlfriend's home page.A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page.Your dog's homepage is actually good.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher." You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Computing Jokes

|Are you a tehcnical geek?Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
Computing Jokes

|A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY.I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY.I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED.I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG?I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.$50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY.I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
Mixed Jokes

|WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI m sorry. = You ll be sorry.We need... = I wantIt s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don t want you to.I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron! You re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you re really not going to like.I ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It s just that you re such an idiot!
Mixed Jokes

|WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.We need... = I wantIt?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What?s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!
Gender Jokes

|Reason's why it's great to be a woman Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Gender Jokes

|Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. Same work....more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. ESPN's sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.
Gender Jokes

|A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY.I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY.I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED.I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG?I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.$50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY.I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
Gender Jokes

|When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
Instrument Jokes

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!""Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse."Look what he did to my tits!"
Miscellaneous

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.Nice legs....what time do they open?Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
Miscellaneous

It was spring in the old west.The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake."Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted..."Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Miscellaneous

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her."I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition.You have to have sex with me when I ask."She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!""No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Miscellaneous

Why do men masturbate? Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
Miscellaneous

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.They exchange hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest diameter.By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Miscellaneous

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says "Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.""Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over." The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up."The doctor is quite surprised: "I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.""W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?""Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches""I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it."Six months later the guy goes back to the doc. "Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off".The doc replies "F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!"
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"True fact.
Miscellaneous

Connorsvill,Wisconsin:It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.Willowdale, Oregon:It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.Oblong, Illinois:It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)Alexandria, Minnesota:No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.Ames, Iowa:A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.Bozeman, Montana:Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.Newcastle, Wyoming:An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.Illinois:A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.Norfolk, Virginia:A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."Merryville, Missouri:Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)Helena, Montana:Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.Carlsbad, New Mexico:It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.Florida:State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.Cleveland, Ohio:Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."Tremont, UtahNo woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Miscellaneous

The Perfect Day According To:HER8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale9:30 Light breakfast11:00 Sunbathe12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe1:45 Shopping2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs3:00 Facial, massage, nap7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing10:00 Make love11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong armsHIM10:00 Wake up10:02 Oral sex10:10 Big Breakfast11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters2:15 Enormous lunch3:15 Oral sex3:25 Play sports with the guys4:30 Drink beer with the guys6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer6:40 Oral sex6:50 Huge dinner, more beer11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex11:10 Sleep
Miscellaneous

International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Miscellaneous

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.*Ting-a-ling*"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:*Ting-a-ling*"Joseph, Joseph,"sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits."Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."*Ting-a-ling*
Miscellaneous

Q: Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?A: Her dog is blind also.Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?A: Neither did she.Q: Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?A: She needed the other hand to moan.Q: What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?A: She screamed her hands off!You've seen the Helen Keller doll?Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?She feels her way around.Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?A: Answering the iron.Q: How did she burn her other ear?A: They called back.Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?A: You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw.(make strange noise)Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?So her friends could read her lips.How did Helen Keller break her hand?Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?ANSWER: BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!How did Helen Keller drive her car?One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.How did Helen Keller meet her husband?On a blind date!What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?A Manicure.How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?Answering the stapler.What was Helen Keller's favorite color?Velcro.Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?She was wearing gloves.What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?Calluses.How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?They made her wear mittens.Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?So she could always find him.Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.How did Helen Keller go crazy?Trying to read the stucco walls.How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?She shouted hysterically.Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?It was hell on the seeing eye dog!What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?He hasn't either.
Miscellaneous

Girl Lingo:The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
Miscellaneous

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis."No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Miscellaneous

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Miscellaneous

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.
Miscellaneous

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter --------------------- Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart ---------------------- My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant ---------------------- Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up! Mayor Marion Berry ---------------------- Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert ---------------------- Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, Newt ---------------------------- Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank Gifford --------------------------- Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there! Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas -------------------------- Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway! Bob Dole ------------------------- Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room. Michael Jackson -------------------------- Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart ------------------------- Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Jim Baker P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime. ------------------------- Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy, Rob Lowe ------------------------- Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor) HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales ------------------------ Dear Mr. President: We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine
Miscellaneous

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too.10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...
Miscellaneous

|Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall CatalogueOnce again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag2. You Can Change The Oil Too4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
Marriage Jokes

|These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world."The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
Dumb Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
Christmas Jokes

|1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Christmas Jokes

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. ?Mother, where do babies come from?? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ?Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.? The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ?That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy?s vagina. That?s how you get a baby, honey.? The child seems to comprehend. ?Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?? ?Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.?
Miscellaneous

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? "Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Miscellaneous

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Miscellaneous

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by . The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom." The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid." At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse." "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'." The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices." "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'." Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."
Miscellaneous

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
Miscellaneous

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you? * Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any. * Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you. * Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before? * Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
Miscellaneous

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned) ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268 MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100 SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5 If you are rich (credit card): 15 If you are poor: 200 INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4 Casually rummaging around: 7 Seriously rummaging around: 42 REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent: 12 Without partner's consent: 187 Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418 AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner's ear: 15 Blowing in your own ear: 2,512 DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed Partner looks better with clothes on: 10 Partner wears corrective underwear: 15 Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100 You don't mind: 0.25 Partner wearing elevated socks: 50 DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4 Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18 Completely missing: 126 POSITIONS Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26 German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48 English (woman on top man hiding): 15 American (both on top): 1,243 AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36 Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612 Sneezing (during intercourse): 7 Sneezing (during orgasm): 588 ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5 Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72 Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1 Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17 Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133 Calling your partner the wrong name: 50 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15 Expression didn't change: 0.5 Room turned purple: 4 Face turned purple: 78 Earth moved: 30 If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588 Moaning in Turkish: 506 THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX "I am so grateful": 15 "It must have been something we ate": 15 "Was it good for you?": 15 "Are you finished?": 15 TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5 If man is not: 563 ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18 During sex: 546 While parking car: 212 SLEEP Real: 5 Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74 TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5 In a sink: 150 In a jacuzzi: 15,269 MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction) KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows: December 1st: Sex with Harold Explaining how: 12 Suggesting something different: 3 Calming terrified Harold: 40 Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56 Intercourse (standing position): 22 Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10 Intercourse (urging him on): 5 Orgasm: not sure Thanking Harold: 3 Waving bye-bye: 1 Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting) Total calories burned: 160
Miscellaneous

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
Miscellaneous

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Miscellaneous

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler." "How so?" "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Miscellaneous

this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex: wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u. husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything. wife: i'm flat chested. husband: i don't believe u..prove it. So she takes off her shirt. husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too. wife: we're married now u can tell me anything. husband: im "weighed like a baby". wife: i don't believe you, prove it. So he takes off his pants. wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?! husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
Miscellaneous

- Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Miscellaneous

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
Miscellaneous

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"
Miscellaneous

has does a blonde have safe sex? She locks the car door.
Miscellaneous

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as '' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
Miscellaneous

Signs Your Partner is - During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot. - His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser. - When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down." - Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing." - He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries. - Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee. - When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her." - You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas. - As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday. - During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!" - His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS. Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Miscellaneous

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Miscellaneous

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. Clarence Darrow Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Bill Maher To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. Quentin Crisp There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. Benjamin Spock I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. Nancy Mitford We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
Miscellaneous

What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Miscellaneous

Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Miscellaneous

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Miscellaneous

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
Miscellaneous

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else. Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
Miscellaneous

I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago. You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one. The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late! I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw. I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane! If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move? Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
Miscellaneous

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious). "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment."
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..) 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."
Miscellaneous

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Miscellaneous

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which. 2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes. 3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would. 4) Act like a hillbilly. Period. 5) Improvise Italian operas. 6) Gossip about someone to their face. 7) Answer every question with a question. 8) Repeat yourself constantly. 9) Act like a member of the opposite sex. 10) Repeat yourself constantly. 11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons. 12) Repeat yourself constantly. 13) Change what you repeat every now and then. 14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks. 15) Change what you repeat every now and then. 16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else. 17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries. 18) Change what you repeat every now and then. 19) One word: Caffeine. 20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar. 21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying. 22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would. 23) Change what you repeat again. 24) Speak in rapid Spanish. 25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space. 26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally. 27) Change what you repeat again. 28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so. 29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar. 30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them. 31) Pretend to be drunk. 32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator. 33) Change what you repeat again. 34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else. 35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys. 36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth. 37) Change what you repeat again. 38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak. 39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable. 40) Pretend to be high. 41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 42) Change what you repeat again. 43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that. 44) Speak in Gaelic. 45) Blink rapidly and constantly. 46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where. 47) Strut. 48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it. 49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it. 50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver." 51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.
Miscellaneous

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?"
Miscellaneous

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Miscellaneous

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago". He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..
Miscellaneous

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Miscellaneous

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. It is considered an offense to shower naked. You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. It is illegal to skateboard without a license. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail. It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline. It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000) Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ? 28-64) Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance - removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense, notice and hearing, lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited. Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ? 20-11) The molestation of trash cans is banned. Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor. Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, ?? 1, 2, 8-10-59) Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ? 8-3 Code 1980, ? 8-3) It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel. Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required, application, transferability, false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ? 1, 10-14-97) Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine. You may not catch crabs. If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00. It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
Miscellaneous

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. You may not drive a black car on Sundays. It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
Miscellaneous

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
Miscellaneous

Dumb Alabama Laws It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. Anniston You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. Jasper It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. Lee County It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. Mobile It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. Montgomery It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
Miscellaneous

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Miscellaneous

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends. 10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman. 12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding. 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly. 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly. 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me. 17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.' 18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either. 19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction. 20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Miscellaneous

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. " 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Miscellaneous

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
Miscellaneous

Airport immigration......NAME:Muhammed al FacidSEX:Yes 3 times a week.NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE:Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.
Miscellaneous

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Miscellaneous

Confucious say......woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam....man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts....man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off....boy who lay girl on hill, not on level....man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed....he who smoke pot, choke on handle....woman who wear g-string, high on crack!...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!...he who masturbate, screw only himself!...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
Miscellaneous

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Miscellaneous

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..""STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ...""NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would...""NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said."Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?""Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep."GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
Miscellaneous

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
Miscellaneous

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?A. Have sex once a year.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?A. Depends on what you're doing with them.Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?A. Cause you're fatter then they are.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question, dork?Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?A. Yes, baby lips.Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.Q. What causes baby blues?A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Miscellaneous

George Carlin Speaks Out...I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.I am George Carlin.I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.We need our country back!
Miscellaneous

Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:Q: Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?A: It's his photo ID.Q: What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?A: Nothing - "yet".Q: How do you play Talibutthead bingo?A: B-52...F-16...B-1...Q: What is the Talibuttheads national bird?A: Duck.Q: How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.Q: What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!Q: What's the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?A: The bucket.Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?A: Two days.Q: Why don't Salami Bin Coward's people eat turd sandwiches?A: They hate bread.Q: Why don't the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?A: The camels can't handle it.
Miscellaneous

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving,she blames the restaurant.If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames the tobacco company.If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,you blame the government for not providing clean ones.If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Miscellaneous

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said: "You've got two choices.I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.There was another tap on his shoulder.This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.The polar bear says:"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's masterb. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blousec. After wrecking your boss' Ferrarid. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying GameUnless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
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Last name: _________________First name:(Check appropriate box)[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ______ (if unsure, guess) Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right Occupation:[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name_________________________2nd Spouse's Name: _________________3rd Spouse's Name: _________________ Lover's Name: ________________________2nd Lover's Name: ___________________ Relationship to spouse:[_] Sister [_] Aunt[_] Brother [_] Uncle[_] Mother [_] Son[_] Father [_] Daughter[_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: _____Number of children living in shed: _____Number that are yours: _____ Mother's Name: ___________________Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?___ Total number of vehicles that you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Where your firearms are kept:[_] truck [_] kitchen[_] bedroom [_] bathroom[_] shed Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_ Do you have a gun rack?[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:_____________________ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe:[_] Weekly[_] Monthly[_] Not applicable Color of teeth:[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown [_] Black[_] N/A How many?_____ Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?[_] 200-400 miles[_] over 400 miles[_] what's a miles?
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Perks of being over 40...1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
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1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)2) Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)6) Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)7) Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)8) Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)9) Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)
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1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.2. Nice legs...what time do they open?3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.15. Are those real? 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
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Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition. "We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay."
Miscellaneous

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little."Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?""It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life"."Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?""So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life....""Infrequently", he declares.The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?
Miscellaneous

Q: what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...Q: Did you hear about the queer burglar?A: He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?A: Because you get a womb with a view...Q: Why are eggs so frusterated?A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...Q: Where do you get virgin wool?A: From ugly sheep...Q: What did Adam say to Eve?A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...Q: Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?A: He had to learn how to read ilps...Q: Why are chickens so ugly?A: You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?A: Cause they dont know the words...Q: Where are an elephant's sex organs?A: In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?A: If she farts, her ankles will swell...Q: What's the ulitmate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...Q: How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?A: Your Hefty bags are missing...
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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
Miscellaneous

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A. Ask your mother.Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. Wiped his ass.Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?A. Spitting, swallowing and garglingQ. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?A. You know she'll swallow.Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?A. No one to talk to during orgasm.Q. What do you call a smart blonde?A. A golden retriever.Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?A. The one with the dirty knees.Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A. A battery has a positive side.Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?A. The blonde, because she's 18.Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sexA. "Honey, I'm home!"Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Q. How can you tell a macho women?A. She rolls her own tampons.Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?A: Hair balls.Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?A: Crust.Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Miscellaneous

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. 3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. 4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. 5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut. 11) Jewish dilemma:Free PORK. 12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?" 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!" 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting. 15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
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The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:Last name: _______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-JackWhat does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________Age:____ (if unsure,guess)Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sureShoe size:____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)PreacherSpouse's Name:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover's Name:_______________Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)PetNumber of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)(Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own:___Number of vehicles that still crank:___Number of vehicles in front yard:___Number of vehicles in the back yard:___Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___Firearms you own and where you keep them:____truck____bedroom____bathroom____kitchen____shedModel and year of your pickup:196_Do you have a gun rack?(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Rifle and ShotgunNumber of times you've seen a UFO:_____Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____How often do you bathe?(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not ApplicableColor of eyes: Left_____ Right_____Color of hair:(_)Blond(_)Black(_)Red(_)Brown(_)White(_)ClairolColor of teeth:(_)White(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler(_)road?
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There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!""What's the problem?" asks the doctor."I have no dick!"So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks."I have no dick!"The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!""Why?" asks the doctor."Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!""Why?" the doctor asks."Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!""Why?""Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"
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This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can?t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says ?they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens?. So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?? And the docter replied ?they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens?. So the next day she comes back and says ?the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens. The next morning a little boy walks up and says. ?my mother?s dead, my sister?s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
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Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"Bill Clinton:I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...Louis Farrakhan:The road, you will see, represents the black man.The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!Colonel Sanders:I missed one?L.A Poliece Department:Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.Jerry Falwell:Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!Ronald Regan:What Chicken?Saddam Hussein:This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
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"Old" is when......your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you'rebarefoot....a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garagedoor nearest your car....you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick....going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face....you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don'thave to go along....when it takes longer to rest than to get tired....when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by thepolice...."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today...."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women toevery man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
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A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...Becoming a Real Man!That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.Please take a moment to look over the program outline:FIRST YEARAutumn ScheduleMEN 101...Combating StupidityMEN 102...You too can do houseworkMEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shutMEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for ChristmasWinter ScheduleMEN 110...Wonderful Laundry TechniquesMEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conceptionMEN 113...Get a life, learn to cookSpring ScheduleMEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrongMEN 121...Understanding your incompetenceMEN 122...You, the weaker sexMEN 123...Reasons to give flowersSECOND YEARAutumn ScheduleSEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without itSEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a showerMEN 201...How to stay awake after sexMEN 202...How to put the toilet seat downWinter ScheduleMEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependenciesMEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your childrenMEN 212...You too can be a designated driverMEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially nakedSpring ScheduleMEN 220...Omitting @#%! from your vocabularyMEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessaryMEN 222...Real men ask for directionsMEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
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*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears.Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral.Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!Q: Are you sexually active?A: No, I just lie there.
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Why it's better to be a Woman!1. We got off the Titanic first.2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.7. Taxis stop for us.8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
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A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice.The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"
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1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
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IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUYPity us men.........If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.If you cry, you're a wimp.If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.If you thump her, it's wife bashing.If she thumps you, it's self defense.If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.If she asks you, it's a favor.If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.If you don't, you're a fag.If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.If you don't, you're unromantic.If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something.If you don't, you're not thoughtful.If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.If you don't, you're not ambitious.If she has a headache, she's tired.If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.If you want it too often, you're oversexed.If you don't, there must be someone else.
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TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway26. Illiterate? Write For Help27. Honk If Anything Falls Off28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.44. Ax Me About Ebonics45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel46. Boldly Going Nowhere47. Cat: The Other White Meat48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)From the New England Journal of Medicine:Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.""Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!
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Q. Why did God give man a penis?A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?A. Its Braille for "suck here."Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?A. Lipstick.Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?A. After 5 years your job will still suck.Q. How is a women like a condom?A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.Q.What's the difference between a '90's woman and a computer?A. A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
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1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.11. You have enough clothes.12. You have too many shoes.13. Crying is blackmail.14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.23. Check your oil.24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.26. No, it does not matter which quiz.27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.40. If it itches, it will be scratched.41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.46. What the hell is a doily?
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!"And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
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When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night."So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.Rule five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".Rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wodden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the frond door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
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The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: - has to work hard; - has to work at great depths; - has to work upside down; - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; - has to work in a high humidity environment; - has to work at high temperatures; - does not get weekends and holidays off; - does not get time off after extra hours of work; - has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.Request DENIED for the following reasons: - does not work 8 hours in a row; - does not answer immediately to all requests; - does not have a degree; - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; - shows no fidelity to the workplace; - retires too early; - does not work at all unless pushed from behind; - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
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Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:HONK! If you had sex with the PresidentClinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!Al Gore: One heartthrob from the PresidencyAdultery IS NOT a family valueDoes character matter YET?One More Whore And We Get GoreBill Clinton: Commander in HeatMy President Fooled Around with Your Honor StudentJail to the ChiefToday kids no longer play doctor, they play PresidentThe Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not ResponsibilityIf his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.Save the President: Legalize PerjuryTwo terms for Clinton: the second in jailClinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father
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Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?"His new bride matter of factly says, "No, that's fine with me.Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!"
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A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.""What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?""Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"
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A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man."OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.Minutes passed and nothing happened.He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again."Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!""What?" said the voice, "Again?"
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.They decided on the word Typewriter.One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
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Because I'm a Guy......I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator....when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer....when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue....I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism....when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together....I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going?...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't....I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?...I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating....I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
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The Perfect Day According To...HER8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale9:30 - Light breakfast11:00 - Sunbathe12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe1:45 - Shopping2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.3:00 - Facial, massage, nap7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing10:00 - Make love11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong armsHIM10:00 - Wake up10:02 - SEX10:10 - Big Breakfast11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER3:15 - SEX3:25 - Play sports with the guys4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer6:40 - SEX6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER11:10 - Sleep2:30 - Fart
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With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of0.2 percent.PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. ----------------------------------------The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouseSportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?
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20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!1. You can GET chocolate.2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.16. Good chocolate is easy to find.17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
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Things Not To Say During SexGirls shouldn't say:You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------Guys shouldn't say:A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex1. Cover your stump before you hump2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker3. Don't be silly, protect your willy4. When in doubt, shroud your spout5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it8. If you think she's spunky cover your money9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick12. If you're going into heat, package your meat13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool18. The right selection will protect your erection19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil20. A crank with armor will never harm her21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!
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Ladies...read and heed!SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
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This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, " Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, " well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."The groom says " I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"He said "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!
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Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow.Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job.Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.Q: What did One gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.Q. What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day.Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope.Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
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(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening.This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar, deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to apologize.But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your President and I know better than to do these things. I have less important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would like to see something go away.I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that, because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any divorce settlement.I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of other wrongdoing that may hurt me.I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the things that we leaked.This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation before they get enough evidence to impeach me.Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That is all I can get away with.Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase, and real terrorist camps to bomb.And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have created for the past seven months by lying to the American People, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no longer lie my way out of this mess.Thank you for watching and good night.
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Reasons why it's great to be a man:Your butt is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work ... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat! You know stuff about tanks. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." No maxi-pads. You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper.The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the "Wise Men".Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God's political problems. If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled "The Ten Commandments" by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor.Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.
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A fellow was ordered by his Dr. to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it,he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM."Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program.The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes,and a sign around her neck.She introduces herself as a representative of the weightloss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me. "He's out the door after her like a shot!This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does,it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight,on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs as promised!!!!He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50lb.program!! "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme...""Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years!"The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch you, I can have you!"
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Women's English:Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = NoI'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole. ==========================================================Men's English:"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired" = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
Miscellaneous

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutesLife stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
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"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water BedNixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold SoreNixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcaseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No differenceNixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G SpotNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
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- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals" - Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!" - Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. - Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end. - Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars. - Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?" - Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday. - Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot. - Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone. - Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!" - Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border. - Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up. - Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her. - Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out. - Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. - Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out. - Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. - Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."
Miscellaneous

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room? A: Say, "Nice dick."Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? A: An itchy, twitchy twat.Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work.Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A: Because they have cotton balls.Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm SundayQ: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.
Miscellaneous

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing??"The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."
Miscellaneous

Sex in a boat - oar-gasms. Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms. Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms. Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms. Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms. Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms. Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms. Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms. Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms. Sex while broke - poor-gasms. Sex with a lion - roar-gasms. Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms. Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms. Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms. Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms. Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms. Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms. Sex on the beach - shore-gasms. Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms. Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms. Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms. Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms. Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms. Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms. Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms. Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms. Sex while flying - soar-gasms. Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms. Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms. Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms. Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms. Sex while travelling - tour-gasms. Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms. Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms. Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms. Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms. Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
Miscellaneous

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!"
Miscellaneous

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
Miscellaneous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Miscellaneous

Yo mama's so fat- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo. - Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose - Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes - Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs - Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code - Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise - Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... - Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. - Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. - Yo Mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "One at a time, please." - Yo Mama's so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell "Taxi!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. - Yo Mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. - Yo Mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St.. - Yo Mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. - Yo Mama's so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be "incredible bulk." - Yo Mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall. - Yo Mama's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts. - Yo Mama's so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles - Yo Mama's so fat, I guess we know what's eating Gilbert Grape. - Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. - Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. - Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone. - Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said "GET THE HELL OFF!!" - Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds - Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on my cat's tail, now I call him "Beaver". - Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. - Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb. - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. - Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. - Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. - Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost. - Yo mama's so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002's. - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more rolls than a bakery. - Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world. - Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. - Yo mama's so fat, that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way. - Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her. - Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in. - Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time. - Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. - Yo mama's so fat, she bumps into people when she's sitting down. - Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. - Yo Mama's so fat, her butt has it's own congressmen. - Yo Mama's so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.
Miscellaneous

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"
Miscellaneous

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'What happened?' asks the doctor.'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?''Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
Miscellaneous

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Miscellaneous

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?""LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
Miscellaneous

Herewith is a compendium of movie clich?s, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there's a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren't idiots.Actress Inferior Position - In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man's, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.AC-WAT-NOBI Movie - A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In.Against All Odds Rule - In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive. In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths."Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens." - Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, "(Name), is that you?" it NEVER is.Air Vent Escape Route - If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil.Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) - Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc.) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents.Ali MacGraw's Disease - Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.Back seat Inviso-Syndrome - Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule - If a rental movie box has a warning such as "If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film!" -do not rent this film.Baguette Envy - In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly8.5 inches of it will be exposed.Bartender Establishing Shot - All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag."Based on a True Story." - Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing,morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened.Bathroom Rule - No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window.Beeping Rule - In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that "something important has been found." The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command.Beginning, The - Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.Best Play of the Game Rule - Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer."Betcha Can't Name That Tune" Ploy - Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire', are perfectly happy playing nothing but chords. By never straying anywhere near a recognizable melody, they avoid paying royalties.'Betsy' Syndrome - Identifying an actor in print by their latest film, regardless of how weak it was. Inspired by a newspaper article that appeared toward the end of Sir Lawrence Olivier's career, referring to him as "Lawrence ('The Betsy') Olivier."Big Nod, The - Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side.Bogeyman Shot - Unaware victim is shot in close-up looking toward the camera, while a huge lopsided space is left vacant for the monster/killer to appear in.Boob Tube - There is never anything worth seeing on TV in the movies.Boom-Boom Rule - Whenever a building or a car explodes, the explosion will be repeated in its entirely from several different camera angles.Born in the USA - Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.British Roman Rule - All leaders of the Roman Empire have British accents. Why don't filmmakers want Romans to at least have Italian accents?Broken Compass Principle - In New York City chase scenes, cars are able to turn off of avenues onto other avenues. This is impossible, since the avenues are parallel.Bumbling Night Watchman - Any scene involving the good guy burgling an office at night will inevitably include a semi- competent night watchman, whose sole purpose is to inject an element of danger into an otherwise boring event. Actions performed by the watchman usually include shining flashlight through the window, rattling doorknobs, watching security monitors, etc., all done in a manner that allows the good guy to continue undetected until just after he discovers the needed information or object. He will then flee the scene with the watchman in pursuit.Bun and Spectacles Rule - Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large thick round ones will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe.
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ARIESYou are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.TAURUSYou are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.GEMINIYou are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.CANCERYou are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.LEOYou consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.VIRGOYou are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.LIBRAYou are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.SCORPIOYou are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.SAGITTARIUSYou are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.CAPRICORNYou are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.AQUARIUSYou have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.PISCESYou have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
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1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to7. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one. 18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's. 23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air."Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed."You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?""No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye.(hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)
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With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of0.2 percent.PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
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New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:1... Combating Stupidity2... You, Too, Can Do Housework3... PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut4... How to Fill an Ice Tray5... We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money6... Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am7... Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")8... Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception9... Get a Life: Learn to Cook10... How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong11... Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right12... Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13... You: The Weaker Sex14... Reasons to Give Flowers15. How to Stay Awake After Sex16... Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom17... Garbage: Getting it to the Curb18... You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try19... The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower20... I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please21... How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")22... "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms23... Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit24... How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost25... The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency26... Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex27... Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes28... Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too29... Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home30... You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver31... Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")32... Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works33... The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary34... Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary35... Techniques of Calling Home36... Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.
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There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did. Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt"!
Miscellaneous

1...Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.2...If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.3...My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.4...To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.5...Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".6...I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha7...Illiterate? Write For Help8...If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong9...Cat: The Other White Meat10...Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
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This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider."Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.""Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
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I'm hungry = I'm hungry.I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.I'm tired = I'm tired.Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?I love you. = Let's have sex now.I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.
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A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry."At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?""He was looking through the window at us!"
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A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
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Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk" You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine." You know what it means to be on 'pogey'. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!" You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'. You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US". You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
Miscellaneous

Bits of information to help you through the day:If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.
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A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".The native repeats, "Tree".They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".The native repeats the word, "Bush".They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?"And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"
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A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!""Simple", replied the Priest..."It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
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The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible.Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.Q: What is "after play"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?""Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Miscellaneous

Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule FourI'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule FiveIn order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."Rule SixI have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule SevenAs you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule EightThe following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule NineDo not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.Rule TenBe afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Miscellaneous

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?A. We'd eat pussy every ThanksgivingQ. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMSA. Nothing.Q: What's the speed limit of sex?A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.Q: What's the ultimate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?A. Hair balls.Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk driveQ. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A Come in five flavorsQ. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?A. CrustQ. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour porkQ. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowingQ. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infectionQ. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?A. By sticking your finger in his honeyQ. What is the ultimate rejection?A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleepQ. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?A. Both can smell it but can't eat itQ. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?A. A blow job with handle barsQ. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A. A mobile sperm bank.Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?A. All you can eat for under a buck.Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A. A cherry float.Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?A. Beat IT -we're closed.Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A. To find a tight seal.Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"Q. Why is air a lot like sex?A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A. He heard the snow blower coming.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?A: She's withholding evidenceQ: What's the difference between light and hard?A. You can sleep with a light on.Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.Q. What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?A. His wife died.Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?A. The cake jumps out of the girl.Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A. Full up.Q. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?A. You can eat your mums apple pieQ. What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?A. Put a nipple on it.Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.The answer. A cockrobin.The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.Q. What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?A. Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?A. You push it to the side before you start eating.Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.Q.What is the difference between women and computers?A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?A. Hanson.Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?A. A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?A. One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest?A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.Q. What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?A. Dress her up as a choir boy.Q. why do tampons have strings?A. So you can floss after eating.Q. What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?A. At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.Q. What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?A. They both dig dead peoples holes.Q. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?A. One is a hunt on the course...........Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?A. A blood vessel.Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.Q. What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?A. A seagull flits along the shore.Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?A. A pimp.Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?A. Michael Jackson's hand.Q. What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?A. Wipe it off and apologise.Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?A. odour eaters.Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?A. Its not hard.Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.Q. How do you make a dog drink?A. Put it in the blender.Q. Why did god put men on earth?A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?A. A pick pocket snatches watches.Q. What's white and clings to the wall?A. George Michael's latest release.Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?A. You cant gargle with sand.
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The Missing Toupee!On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him."Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
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Q. How do you Scare a Man?A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?A. Exchange him.Q. What's a man's idea of a perfect date?A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?A. To stop the snoring before it starts.Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Q. How do you get a man to exercise?A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A. We don't know. It's never happened.Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?A. Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.Q. What is a man's idea of safe sex?A. A padded headboard.Q. Men are like vacations....A. they never seem to be long enough.Q. Men are like computers....A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.Q. Men are like coolers....A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.Q. Men are like horoscopes....A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.Q. Men are like plungers....A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.Q. Men are like laxatives....A. they irritate the shit out of you.Q. Men are like parking spots....A. the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?A. They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.Q. Why are men like tile floors?A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years. Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A. Because those men already have boyfriends.Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?A. "How come?"Q. What's the definition of a teenager?A. God's punishment for enjoying sex.Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?A. They'll never see you coming.Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?A. S&M&M.Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?A. Both capture the moment.Q. Define Transvestite:A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?A. A scrotum pole!Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. Why don't debutantes go to orgies?A. There'd be too many thank you notes to write.Q. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?A. Two Mennonite!Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?A. If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?A. Is it in?Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?A. A bingo machine.Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. One ... Men will screw anything.
Miscellaneous

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.""Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's...Father O'Malley!"
Miscellaneous

Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."10)"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"11)"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."12)"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."13)"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"14)"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"15)"I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"16)"I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"17)"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"18)"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
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HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnEPage yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."Dont use any punctuation in your emailsAsk people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Miscellaneous

Q:What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.Q:What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment.Q:What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $ 3.99 a minute.
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A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101--Combating Stupidity MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for ChristmasWinter Schedule: MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A--What's Hers is HersSpring Schedule: MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C--What Was Yours is HersSECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective--See Electives Below)Winter Schedule: MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1Spring Schedule: MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered ForeplayCourse Electives: EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231--Mothers-in-law MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her
Miscellaneous

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
Miscellaneous

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?I think that's how dogs spend their lives.Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.Character is what you are.Reputation is what people think you are.Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
Miscellaneous

*** You just can't win, and here are the reasons why: ***If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
Miscellaneous

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Miscellaneous

Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OKSweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What?Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter?Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK?Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help?Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it.Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too.Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now?Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What?Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart:{logged off}
Miscellaneous

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands."Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands."That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands."That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands."That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'"
Miscellaneous

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:1) A certified medical excuse2) A death in the student's immediate familyA smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
Miscellaneous

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....YEEOOOOOOOUCH!
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A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.The door opened and a man entered. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen."The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner."The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, "What does Father John give for a blow job?""$12.50 if I take me teeth out."
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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for!?'Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
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Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.Sue yelled ?you impatient fucker! You lying son of a??Bob stopped her and said, ?I?m a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids??
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!""Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!
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A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
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Why did the chicken cross the road?:JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
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DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .........................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.................................... 10SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party.............................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...................................................-2 Named Tiffany....................................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer..............................................-6 Tiffany has implants.............................................-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner........................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ............ 1 Okay, it is a sports bar.........................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team................................-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely..............................-20 You forget your anniversary.....................................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station....................-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey..................................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.....................-60A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie.......................................... 2 You take her to a movie she likes................................ 4 You take her to a movie you hate ................................ 6 You take her to a movie you like.................................-2 It's called DeathCop3...........................................-3 Which features cyborgs having sex................................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ..... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly.............................. -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..........................................-30 You say "I don't care because you have one too" ...............-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical............... -5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You don't stop to ask directions .......................0 You stop and ask for directions ...................... 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.......................................................-25 You know them..................................................-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?"............................................-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression................................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..............-20
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is usually right.Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.A fool and his money will soon be partying.Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
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And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims - "Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"
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A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"No problem" the martain man replies.Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"The man replied, "It was awful!!The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
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This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!
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This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?Brian: Yeah, sure.Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?Brian: Yeah, alright.Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.Sharelle: Hi Brian.Brian: Hi Sharelle.Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.Sharelle: O.K.Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!Radio Silence
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One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. "What are you doing, the kid asked".Well, you wanted a brother, so we're making you one.The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker's tailpipe."Son...what the hell are you doing!!!"And the son replied - "Mom said she wanted an new car, so I'm making her one!"
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You know you're out of college when...1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00 am is not early.9. You have to file your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that police don't raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."
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Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival. -----------------------------------------------------------------1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan."6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.9. I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.10. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.11. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.12. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.13. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.14. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.16. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: "Well, whose fault is that?"17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?19. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.20. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.21. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.22. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.23. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.24. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.25. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.26. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.27. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.28. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"29. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.30. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.31. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.32. The key to a good relationship is they key. Give me back the key.33. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.34. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?36. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.37. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."38. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.40. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.41. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.42. I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.43. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.44. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.45. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.48. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.49. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.50. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!!51. Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.
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Your momma so nasty she charges $10 for sex, gives ya lice, when ya comeback to complain she says - "For $10 what do ya expect, lobster?
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RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERSI was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"He said, "Because you came home early."Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through."I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?"He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" he said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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If your favorite color is:RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men.A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing.BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing.BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?A: Because she got an F in sex.
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Through infinite myst, software reverberatesIn code possess'd of invisible folly.Wilt thou dare interfaceWith thy Apple Macintosh keypadBy toggling my tweaky bosom?Alack!Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.Now yet torment thy melancholy hardwareBy always vexing the amorous flameOf thine model motherboard.This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy gamesAnd pleasure treasured dear:Then kiss me.Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOLWill deceive some cybersex usersAnd email "cancel our service."Tis a rare tongueThat many maiden bugs command,Revealing bounteous distress,Trashing bold memory:Click and crash gloriously.Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!Hereafter reboot.
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The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.[It's known as the Sanka clause.]The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]Every person has a unique tongue print.[But would you want someone to ink yours?]Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.[Even if you don't inhale.]Women's hearts beat faster than men's.[Even after death.]When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname. ]Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.[His parents never bought him a night light.]Bubble gum contains rubber.[But should not be used as a condom.]You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."[And most likely to grab himself.]Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.[74% think Madonna is.]The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.[I may never eat Jell-o again!]The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. [But it will hold a grudge much longer.]Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]Most American car horns honk in the key of F.[And we all know what the F represents.]The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]Most lipstick contains fish scales.[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.[Who volunteers to confirm this?]Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.[The same is true for people.]
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?A: So they know when to stop having sex!
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Q: What do blondes say after sex?A1: "Thanks, Guys!"A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?A4: Who were all those guys?
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Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?A: Bucket seats.
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Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?A: Opens the car door.
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A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, "How much for a box of rubbers?""They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax.""Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Miscellaneous

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?"."Yes, every day, except Wednesdays"."Why not on Wednesdays?""Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!"
Miscellaneous

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it."Would that suit your needs?" he asked.The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion."Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement."You see?" she asked, petulantly."Yes, I do," said the man.Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
Miscellaneous

How does a man take a bubble bath?He eats beans for dinner.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?Because they don't have testicles.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?Breasts don't have eyes.Why don't men eat more M&M's?They're too hard to peel.What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?Gifted.What's a man's idea of foreplay?A half hour of begging.How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?He's breathing.What do men and bottles of beer have in common?They're both empty from the neck up.How can you tell if a man is happy?Who cares!!!!What is the thinnest book in the world?What Men Know About WomenHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?One. Men will screw anything!How do you save a man from drowning?Take your foot off his head.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don't know - it's never happened.Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?Because they're stupid.How are men and parking spots alike?The good ones are always taken.Why do men like love at first sight?It saves them a lot of time.A woman of 35 thinks of having children.What does a man of 35 think of?Dating children.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?To stop the snoring before it starts.Why don't men have mid-life crises?They stay stuck in adolescence.How does a man show he's planning for the Future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?At the circus the clowns don't talk.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?Exchange him.Why do bachelors like smart women?Opposites attract.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.Why are blonde jokes so short?So men can remember them.
Miscellaneous

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Miscellaneous

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingieOh no! I just lost my Rolex.Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?Damn, there go the lights again..."Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!Anyone see where I left that scalpel?This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.What do you mean "You want a divorce"!She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
Miscellaneous

Two girls were roommates.One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates.""Why not?""They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex!Nothing but a pain in the ass!"Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"
Miscellaneous

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.0012. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.21. Man, honest. Will take anything.22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!
Miscellaneous

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.7. You own a homemade fur coat.8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath."11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one.16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language.17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."18. Birds are attracted to your beard.19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. 35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. 42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.47. You've ever bought a used cap.48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.50. You've ever financed a tattoo.51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. 59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth beforetelling the state trooper to kiss her ass.67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.68. You own a denim leisure suit.69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. 72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.73. You have a rag for a gas cap. 74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name onyour arm.77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridgeclearance restrictions. 78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." 79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith beer bottles.83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmasdinner.84. All of your four letter words are two syllables. 85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?86. You cut your toenails in front of company. 87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.93. You can spit without opening your mouth.94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.95. You call your boss "dude".96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.97. You have grease under your toenails.98. You consider your license plate personalized because your fathermade it.99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance.102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitutefor toilet paper.105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife'shair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the samegrade.110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it. 115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.117. Your family tree doesn't fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get afreebie at the "House of Tattoos".127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle. 132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
Miscellaneous

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.
Miscellaneous

1. Don't call, ever.2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.5. Lie.6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.9. Lie.10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"12. Deny everything. Everything.13. Don't have a clue.14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.17. Lie.18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.26. Lie.27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.35. Practice your blank stare.36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.40. Lie.
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Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.9. Affirmative action.10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.12. Oprah.13. Feminists.14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.22. Women sportscasters.23. Women congressman.24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)25. Marge Schott.26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don?t need to talk)36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.37. That damn apple.38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.40. Rosanne. Nuff said.41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!48. The Mute button only works on the TV.49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.51. Equality is for math.52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.54. Marcia Clark.55. Chick-flicks.56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.58. Michael Jackson.59. Silence and sex make a great combination.60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.64. High phone bills really suck.65. Women should be seen and not heard.66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).68. Because they're not men.69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hearthem?74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.
Miscellaneous

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.When finished he looks down and sees. . "W Y" and says "Hey I said her name was Wendy"Man says "Don't worry shake it." . . . He does, . . and voila!- Wendy.He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees "W Y" and says "W Y, huh?"Billy says oh! its my girlfriend's name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)Jamaican says: "Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice."Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says "W Y".Billy says: "Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?""Ah no man. Mine says "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."
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You Might Be Addicted to AOL if........Tech Support calls "You" for help......Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.....You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other......You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".....you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.....you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone".....you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.....you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.....when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!".....you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep......you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's......you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.....you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own.....you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line).....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.....you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.....you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.....you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved....you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy....you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)....your buddy list has over 100 people on it....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee....you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on....you don't know where the time has gone....you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.....your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had....you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead....you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo....when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"....you type faster than you think....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult...you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"....you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room...you've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers....you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life...you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name...your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
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An anxious woman goes to her doctor."Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?""Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"
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A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.
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THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.Question: What is one horsepower?Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.Talc is found in rocks and on babies.The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs.When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.When planets do it we say they are orbiting.Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?Answer: I have never performed this experiment.Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.Lime is a green tasting rock.Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.Rain is saved up in cloud banks.In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORTI am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do ,anything, until he knows for sure.I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Miscellaneous

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."A few moments passed."Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked."Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin."CLUES"1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.When I'm not well, I drip.When you blow me, I feel good.2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.Your tongue gets me off.People sometimes lick my nuts.3. I assist an erection.Sometimes big balls hang from me.I'm called a big swinger.4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.I wasn't maiden for long.A big hard thing ripped me open.5. You stick your poles inside me.You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.6. When I go in I cause pain.I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.I can fill your hole.7. A finger goes in me.You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first.8. All day long, it's in and out.I discharge loads from my shaft.Both men and women go down on me.9. I go in hard.I come out soft.You blow me hard.10. If I miss, I hit your bush.It's my job to stuff your box.When I come, it's news.11. I offer Protection.I get the finger ten times.You use your fingers to get me off.12. I have a stiff shaft.My tip penetrates.I come with a quiver.13. My business is briefs.I am a cunning linguist.I plead and plead for it.*******************************************************Answers:1. nose2. peanut butter3. crane4. Titanic5. tent6. dentist7. wedding ring8. elevator9. chewing gum10. newspaper boy11. glove12. arrow13. attorney
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"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign"This is a great day for France!"--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."--George Bush"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."--Dan Quayle"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."--Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."--Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."--George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."--George Bush"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."--Ronald Reagan"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."--Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."--Dan Quayle"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."--Ronald ReaganAND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.FOREIGN GOOFS"Bite the wax tadpole."-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."-- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese"I am a jelly doughnut"--English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall"We pray for MacArthur's erection."--sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."--from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroadMISCELLANEOUS"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."--correction printed in The Daily Californian"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!"--Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"--announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience
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An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot.I thought maybe you were my kid. . . "
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Bad: You can't find your vibrator.Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.Worse: You're in it.Bad: Your children are sexually active.Worse: With each other.Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.Worse: He looks better than you.Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.Worse: As a sacrifice.Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.Worse: She's a lawyer.Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: For another woman.Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: To enter a convent.Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.Worse: She implicates you.Good: Hot outdoor sex.Bad: You're arrested.Worse: By your husband.Good: The postman's early.Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.Good: The secretary said "yes."Bad: Your wife says "no."Good: The teacher likes your son.Bad: Sexually.Worse: He's gay.Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: So did the postman.Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: Your wife walks in.Good: You get a three-day weekend.Bad: You get the flu on Friday.Good: You get tickets to the theatre.Bad: It's performance art.Good: You go to see a strip show.Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."Bad: For real.Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".Bad: Your son, that is.Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.Bad: She's eleven.Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.Bad: Making a sex ed video.Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.Bad: It's counterfeit.Good: Your wife bought a porn video.Bad: Your daughter's the star.Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.Bad: You live downtown.Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.Bad: She's coming home.Good: Your wife's kinky.Bad: With the neighbors.Worse: All of them.
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Both look stupid in hats.Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.Both tend to have "hip" problems.Neither understand football.Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.Neither believe that silence is golden.Both constantly want back rubs.Neither can balance a checkbook.You can never tell what either of them is thinking.Both put too much value on kissing.***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.Women look good in sweaters.
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25 rules for Women to follow:1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 5. Butthead is the smart one.6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.11. Socks never constitute a gift. 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. 14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."17. Curley is the bald one.18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.24. No, you can't have the remote control.25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
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A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes tofind the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring acauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing."A magic potion" she replies."Well what does it for" he asks. "This potion will make anyone anexcellent golfer."At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She isagreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on hissex life.After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game ofgolf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. Hespends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at everycourse he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. Aftera year he finds himself back at the same course where he found thewitch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talkto her."Well", she asks, "How has your game been?" "Great! This has beenthe best year of my life. I have played all over the country andnever lost a game.""And how about your sex life?" "Oh, not bad.""Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how manytimes did you have sex last year?" "Hmmmm, it was three, no, fourtimes.""And you call that not bad?" "Not for a priest with a small parish."
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One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?"The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied, "That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!"
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Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sportsMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 daysMan, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my assMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a manLet me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the houseI don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterdayMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a manMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' Man, I'm glad I'm a man
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Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.Child: Mother, where do babies come from?Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.)Mom continues: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?Mom: Jewelry, dear.
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"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.""All generalizations are false.""Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.""I love cats...they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their King!""E. coli Happens""Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!""Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician""If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.""SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....""Towers will be violated""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ""End rape. Say 'Yes!'""I KNOW JACK SHIT!""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.""Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some.""I Brake For No Apparent Reason.""When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! ""Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.""Wink, I'll do the rest!""I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!""No Radio - Already Stolen""Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.""Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""When there's a will, I want to be in it!""Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?""If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?""Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ""I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!""I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!""Assassins do it from behind!""Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!""Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!""Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.""IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ""Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""Which came first? The woman or the department store?""LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.""Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?""I'm not as think as you drunk I am""First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Don't come knocking if the car is rocking""Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter""Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?""We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.""Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.""He who laughs last thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""i souport publik edekasion""The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.""We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock.""2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.""I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ""Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.""I is a college student.""Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.""Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.""Eschew obfuscation.""God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!""I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?""CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.""We're staying together for the sake of the cats.""It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.""My karma ran over your dogma.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.""Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.""Welcome to Texas, now go home.""It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.""Life's too short to dance with ugly men.""Life's too short to dance with ugly women.""My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her.""When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).""Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Will Rogers never met a lawyer.""Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""Don't steal. The government hates competition.""Is there life before coffee?""Never play leap frog with a unicorn.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m""The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.""I Cayman went.""My other wife is beautiful.""I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?""Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.""Nuke the unborn baby whales.""Geez if you belive in honkus.""Friends don't let friends drive naked.""Save California; when you leave take someone with you.""I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.""There's one in every crowd and they always find me.""If money could talk, it would say goodbye.""When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.""Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.""If it's too loud, you're too old.""The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.""Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.""Who cares who's on board?""Die Yuppie Scum.""Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.""Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.""Women make great leaders. You're following one now.""Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.""Exxon Suxx.""Honk if you love cheeses.""Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.""I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.""So many pedestrians, so little time."
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A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex lately?"The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"The dentist says, "No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!"
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Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."Neighbor 1: "That's right."New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."Neighbor 1: "Right again."New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."Neighbor 1: "Correct."New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."Neighbor 1: "Yup."New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."Neighbor 1: "Cool."Later that same day:Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"Neighbor 2: "No."Neighbor 1: "Fag!"
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Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father, "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?" To which the father replies, "They are making a puppy!"Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father, "Daddy what are you and mommy doing?" To which the father replies, "Johnny we are making you a little sister." Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds, "Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!"
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Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo"49. "That would work better the other way around. ."48. Sniff. Sniff. "Is something burning?"47. "Damn, that's complicated."46. "Wait, wait, use my pillow."45. "Alright already, _I_came."44. "You guys need a value pak."43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say "Good show, old bean."42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change positions. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, "This is a citizen's arrest,assume the position."35. "Bring in the Gimp."34. "Hold that pose."33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.32. Start signing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."31. Sing "Shake your bootie."30. "A little to the left."29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"28. "Is there room for two in there?"27. "Two words: penis extension."26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6. 9. 22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes. 21. "Maybe it would help if you. ."20. "That's what you call erect?"19. "That reminds me of a joke I heard. ."18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plasic?"16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."14. "May I cut in?"13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."8. "MMM- that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."7. "Let's make a sandwich."6. "Is that hard enough for you?"5. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"4. "I think you dropped something."3. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"2. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??"
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1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place? " Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy whoused to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:Man: "Want to Dance?"Woman: "No, thank you."Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"Woman: "It's in the phone book."Man: "But I don't know your name."Woman: "That's in the phone book too."6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."Woman: (tries to ignore him)Man: "You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?"Woman: "Hmmm you really love sex and travel?"Man: (nods his head smiling)Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroadspike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."9.) Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)10.) Q: What sign were you born under?A: No Parking.11.Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"12.) After hearing a pick-up line:Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."13.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."14.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."15.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.16.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move."I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?"
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RELATIONSHIPS:First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Sex:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Magazines:Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Handwriting:To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Comedy:Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.Bathrooms:A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Shoes:When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Leg Warmers:Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Going Out:When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Offspring:Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Low Blows:Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.David Letterman:Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Laundry:Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".Socks:Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.Eating out:. . . and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Mirrors:Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Menopause:When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.The Telephone:Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephoneto send short messages to other people. A woman can visit hergirlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Directions:If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Richard Gere:Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only married women.Madonna:Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Toys:Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Cameras:Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always send up taking better pictures.Garages:Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.Jewelry:Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
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A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church."Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him."Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!"."Joe, don't worry...I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen..."Bless me Father...I have sinned...I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say twoOur Fathers, three Hail Marys.and go forth and sin no more.""Thank you, Father,"replies the penetant.Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated."Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back."Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more."."Thank you, Father".Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex."Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst...Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?"The boy replies..."A Snickers and a Coke. Why?
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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.""On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.""Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . . "
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Welcome to EBONICS 101Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar..."Damn- that shit is DOPE!"That is a wonderful concept/object/action."Can't FADE that."I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time."Shante ain't havin' it."This is not something that Shante will allow to occur."Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music."YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity."What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!"Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs."She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time."Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!"Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date."STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER..." It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol."Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"~~~~Why are the police officers always worried?"Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."~~~~It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.""And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
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THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.2. Less guilt the next morning.and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
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One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket."Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this.""Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
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A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
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The FUCK word!Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the Englishlanguage is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are veryfew words with the versatility of "Fuck."Besides It's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used todescribe many situations:It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?"It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:=====================================================================Greetings....................................."How the fuck are you?"Fraud..............................."I got fucked by the car dealer."Dismay................................................."Oh, fuck it."Trouble..............................."Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."Aggression................................................"Fuck you."Disgust...................................................."Fuck me."Confusion........................................."What the fuck...?"Difficulty................"I don't understand this fucking business."Despair..............................................."Fucked again."Exasperation......................................."For fuck's sake."Enjoyment...................................."This is fucking great."Hostility................."I'm going to knock your fucking head off."Stupidity..............................."Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"Incompetence..................................."He's such a fuck-up."Ignorance..........................................."Fuck if I know."Displeasure........................."What the fuck is going on here?"Lost........................................."Where the fuck are we?"Disbelief......................................"Unfuckingbelievable!"Retaliation...................................."Up your fucking ass."Surprise.................................................."Fuckin A!"Surprise......................................"Well, I'll be fucked."Suspicion.............................."What the fuck are you doing?"Contempt....................."Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in1983.*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.*The patient refused an autopsy.*The patient has no past history of suicides.*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
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* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.* A fool and his money are soon partying.* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."* Death to all fanatics!* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.* Chastity is curable, if detected early.* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.* Half the people you know are below average.* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.And finally....* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
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10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I'm tired of being just friends.9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away.The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.5. This diamond is just way too big.4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.2. Does this make my butt look too small??1. I'm wrong, you must be right again..
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What the world is like in TV land:1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.4. The suburbs are exciting.5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.6. Good guys are always outnumbered.7. Good guys always win and get the girl.8. Good guys are always good looking.9. Ugly people are always bad guys.10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.14. Cars will explode in all accidents.15. Everyone has a dark secret.16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.17. Haunted houses are never locked.18. The police are smart.19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.20. All Asian people know Karate.21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.24. Indians make good cannon fodder.25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.26. Computers never crash.a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.b) Computers know everything.c) The same 2 keys are used to do everythingd) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.28. No one farts, except after eating beans.29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.32. Movies based on true stories are made up.33. Police never wait for back-up.34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.35. Private detective work is glamorous.36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.37. All police killings are in self-defense.38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.39. Good guys don't do drugs.40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.42. High School students look thirty years old.43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).
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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"""That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference!"
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A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?""That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
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OXYMORONS...Act naturally Found missingResident alienAdvanced BASIC Genuine imitationSafe sexAirline food Good grief Same differenceAlmost exactlyGovernment organizationSanitary landfillAlone togetherLegally drunk Silent screamBritish fashion Living dead Small crowdBusiness ethicsMicrosoft WorksSoft rock Butt headMilitary intelligenceSoftware documentationCalifornia cultureNew classic Sweet sorrow Childproof"Now, then ..."Synthetic natural gas Christian ScientistsPassive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstoodPeace force Temporary tax increase Computer jockPlastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer securityPolitical science Tight slacksDefinite maybePretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice creamRap music Working vacation Exact estimateReligious tolerance
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass."No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
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by Every guy in America:1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.5. Shopping is not fascinating.6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.7. Unless the answer is yes.8. In which case, can he videotape it?9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.15. He heard you the first time.16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.20. Dogs good. Cats bad.21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.25. He was not looking at that other girl.26. Well, okay... maybe a little.27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.40. Don't hog the covers.41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...42. He does not just want to be friends.43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
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You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.At last! I finally found the perfect girl!A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?Is it hot in here or is it just you?If I follow you home, will you keep me?The best way to hold a man is in your arms.If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?But you're so *cute* when you blush!All those curves, and me with no brakes.I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.Please be patient--this is my first time.May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?Be good and you'll be lonely.The best things in life are ME!I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.- David BissonetteA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.- Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.- Zsa Zsa GaborWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.- Sacha GuitryMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.- MontaigneAfter marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.-- Hemant JoshiA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana TurnerMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.- Mae West"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury."- George BurnsUnknown Author QuotesMarriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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RELATIONSHIPSFirst of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.SEXWomen prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.MATURITYWomen mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.HATSWomen look good in hats; men look like idiots.GROCERIESA woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.MAGAZINESMen's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.HANDWRITINGTo their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.COMEDYLet's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.BATHROOMSA man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.GOING OUTWhen a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.CATSWomen love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men abuse cats.SHOESWhen preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.LEG WARMERSLeg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.MIRRORSMen are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.MENOPAUSEWhen a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.THE TELEPHONEMen see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.LOW BLOWSLet's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.DIRECTIONSIf a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."ADMITTING MISTAKESWomen will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.RICHARD GEREWomen like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.NICKNAMESWith the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they willaffectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.TOYSLittle girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.PLANTSA woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.MUSTACHESSome men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.CAMERASMen take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.LOCKER ROOMSIn the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.LAUNDRYWomen do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.POLITICSMen love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.WEDDINGSWhen reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."CHEERLEADERSFemale cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.SOCKSMen are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.GARAGESWomen use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.MOVIESFor women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy.JEWELRYWomen look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALLColored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Miscellaneous

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.34. Men have a good memory, it's just short!35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.49. Most women are introverted: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are extroverted: "Did my team win? How's my car?"50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Miscellaneous

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."My court case comes up next Thursday.One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
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God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.1. How did you find out about God?__ Newspaper __ Other Book__ Television __ Divine Inspiration__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience__ Bible __ Other__ Torah (specify): _____________2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.__ Tarot __ Lottery__ Horoscope __ Television__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers__ Self-help books __ Sex__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs__ Mantras __ Other: ________________________________________ Insurance policies __ None3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?a. More Divine Interventionb. Less Divine Interventionc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just rightd. Don't know4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 55. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).
Miscellaneous

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90'sOLD---------------NEWconservative--reactionarythe establishment--white power elitehearing person--temporarily aurally abledsighted person--temporarily visually abledblind--visually challengedmute--vocally challengeddeaf--aurally challengeddead--metabolically differentalive--temporarily metabolically abledugly--aesthetically challengedfat--gravitationally challengedheavy-set--people of massrude--politically correct psychopath--socially misalignedcrooked--ethically challengedklutzy--kinesthetically challengedbald--follicularly challengedshort--differently staturednon-white, non-male oppressed--white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressivewhite male--oppressorblack--african-americanasian--asian-americanafro-american--african-americanminority group--numerically challenged group; under-represented populationblack--person of colorChicano--person of colorweird green freak--person of colorfemale--person of genderdrooling drunk idiot--person on floorgroup of blacks--Under-Represented population of persons of colorGroup of Whites--L.A.P.D.woman--womynwomen--wymingirl--pre-womynman--oppressorboy--oppressor-to-bepregnancy--parasitic oppressionjanitor--sanitation engineerdisabled car-mechanically challenged cardish washer--utensil sanitizerdairy--where cows are rapedranch--where cattle are murderedegg ranch--where hens are rapedbiology department--where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companiesfishing--raping the oceansfarming-- exploiting mother earthnhl hockey--uniformed fascists vying for superioritypaper bag-- processed tree carcassMany of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).old 80's/90'sdeaf/hearing impaired/aurally challengedblind /sight impaired/visually challengedretarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challengedqueer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)fat/big boned/alternative body image
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Insensitive Term---Preferred Term: ETHNICITYPC people do not recognize the term, "race," as validBlack- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically InclinedWASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)GENDER-(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-CanadianGirl-Pre-WomynHousewife-Domestic EngineerFireman-FirefighterStewardess-Flight AttendantMeter Maid-Parking Enforcement AdjudicatorPost Man-Post Person Mail Man Person PersonPoliceman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. ClubberProstitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)Mankind/Human-Earth ChildrenHandicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-CapableBlind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptiveDeaf-Visually OrientedPoor-Economically UnpreparedBum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi ButcherWhaler-Blubber LoversOld Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically AdvancedConservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist PigDrug Addict-Chemically ChallengedBald-Comb-FreeBisexual-Sexually Non-preferentialMidget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically ChallengedConvict-Socially SeparatedInsane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental ExplorersLearning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive AbilityTree-Hugger-Environmental ActivistLogger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, TreeslayerDead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged Broken Home-Dysfunctional FamilyHouseBroken-Family DysfunctionCattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's VictimGhetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous AreaPre-Integrated Pre-NirvanaHamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to InjuryCheating (in School)-Academic DishonestyUsed Books-Recycled BooksTrees-Oxygen Exchange UnitsGang-Youth GroupSlum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression ZoneObese- People of Mass Gravitationally ChallengedDelicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House
Miscellaneous

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.Great Dames for sale.Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.Stock up and save. Limit: one.Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.We build bodies that last a lifetime.Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.Man, honest. Will take anything.Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.See ladies blouses. 50% off!Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.Illiterate? Write today for free help.Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these beauties from the radio:Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Miscellaneous

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.On the books in Tennessee:In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.
Miscellaneous

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.VERBAL: Able to whine in words.WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
Miscellaneous

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Miscellaneous

?Include your children when baking cookies!?Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted?Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says?British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands?Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. ?A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.?Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.?For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.?For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.?Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.?Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.?Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory?Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.?We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.?No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.?For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.?Great Dames for sale.?Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.?Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.?20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. ?Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.?Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.?If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.?Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.?The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.?Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.?Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.?Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.?Stock up and save. Limit: one.?Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.?We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.?This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.?For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.?For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.?Man, honest. Will take anything.?Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.?Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.?Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.?Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!?Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.?Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.?Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.?Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.?3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.?Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.?Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.?Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.?See ladies blouses. 50% off!?Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.?Illiterate? Write today for free help.?Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.?Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.?Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.?Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.?Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.?And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.?We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? A: They're all on the same team.Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you? A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A: Because they might let down their trunks.Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep.Q: What do elephants use for condoms? A: Snakes.Q: What do elephants use for vibrators? A: Epileptic pigmies.Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period? A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.Q: What is an elephant's sex organ? A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders? A: A pachydermatologist.Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit card.Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker? A: A two-ton pickup.Q: What did the female elephant say during sex? A: "Can I be on top this time?"Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man? A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Miscellaneous

"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above ) If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
Miscellaneous

Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed AbbeyIn everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed AbbeyGirls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward AbbeyWomen who love only women may have a good point. - Edward AbbeyWomen: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward AbbeyThe feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward AbbeyHer figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody AllenWoman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose BierceWoman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - DumasWomen! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?" - FreudWomen are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. - Ellen GlasglowNature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. JohnsonBeing a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran LebowitzIt's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. - Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond ChandlerOnly one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho MarxMen always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack NicholsonThere are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'RourkeDid you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of them. - Dorothy ParkerWomen: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo PhillipsA woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon PledgeFeminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat RobertsonIf someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. - Mort SahlWomen's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - comic Jerry Seinfeld, in EsquireI think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere - James ThurberFeminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. - Earl WilsonA lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
Miscellaneous

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!
Miscellaneous

Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?More perks, and the payoff is better.
Miscellaneous

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
Miscellaneous

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Miscellaneous

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.14. Women think all beer is the same.15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be. 17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
Miscellaneous

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that.It will mess up my hair!'"
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In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a newPillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.
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Etiquette and Behavior:EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother'sEB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is RightEB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed CompanyEB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your MotherEB106: How To Act Younger Than Your MotherEB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not NecessaryGeneral Electives:GE101: You, The Whining SexGE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every WeekendGE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not SynonymousGE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The MostGE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of MenHome Economics:HE101: You Can Change The Oil TooHE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer MugHE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch FootballHE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His SlopHE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders YourselfHE106: How To Close The Garage DoorHE107: How To Close The Top On The ToothpasteHE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking OneHE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group ActivityHE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")Interpersonal Relationships:IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male DrunkennessIR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An ExplanationIR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And ConversationIR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of DivorceLife Skills:LS101: Combatting The Impulse To NagLS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss AroundLS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It RightLS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial ResponsibilityLS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 HoursLS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch PneumoniaLS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A CrankLS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By HimselfLS109: You Too Can Carry A BackpackLS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your BrainLS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops MovingLS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After MenopauseLS113: How To Parallel ParkSex Education:SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your ManSE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 MinutesSE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The BedroomSE104: How To Say "Yes" More OftenSE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On GivingSE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
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A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....""Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?""Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"
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Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
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What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?Slow.
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From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
Miscellaneous

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.If they pay for dinner, you are using them.If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.If you want sex, they won't wake up.If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.
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When He Says - He Really Means ------------ - ---------------- Do you have the time? - to go to bedHello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.How are you? - in bed, I mean.I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.I'm in television. - I fix them.I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.I play the market. - SafewayI work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
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They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
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Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
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A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
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A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: Condolances Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands. Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together... Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses. Cover caption: Get well soon, darling! Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt. Cover caption: To my golf partner... Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news... Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies. Cover caption: To the daughter that I love... Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing. Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands. Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck! Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
Miscellaneous

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's organ.Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.
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Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.General rules:1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.Grafitti rules:5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.Urinal rules:11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X......(X = occupied, . = empty) X.....X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.Toilet rules:15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.16. Always flush.17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.Special cases:18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
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Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary10. Today is our what?9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.7. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.5. I thought we only celebrated important events?4. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
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How can you tell if your wife is dead? Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!
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Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!
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What do most women miss most about being single?Having sex!
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Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
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When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, "What's for dinner?"When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".
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A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life."You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled."How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
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Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
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How do you keep a man from wanting sex?You marry him!
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On AppearanceExcessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the fragrance of flowers or herbs.Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack and still be desirable for her male.T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in less than five seconds, they are off over your head.Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly undesirable.On DatingIf you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him..If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time. Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him. Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men.Don't pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He is hungry and everything bothers him.Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.On SexNever deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.Don't expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should sleep on the wet spot.Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to other males.If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when you are on top.A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in your male, but not furor, before sex.After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a female... After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of time, the man may not be normal.If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him a minute to satisfy... Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy in a minute and a half.Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy you.Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.. If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder why no man has wanted her before.On Things Women Know About MenMen love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a point that they become boring.Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the initial and subsequent sexual acts.If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the mental energy to fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.
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For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. "What the heck is wolf style?" you ask. That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
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There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!
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What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?Call her/him on the telephone!
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On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?""Why no," said the husband, flattered."Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
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In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door."Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!""It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.""Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother."Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!""It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom."Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!""Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"
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In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast, while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?Signed, Worn OutP.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting
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A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."
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On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin."No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference."She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.Goodbye darling.P.S: ...Your pussy is in the refrigerator!
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Wifespeak/Translation You want: You wantWe need: I wantIt's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want: You'll pay for this laterWe need to talk: I need to complainSure...go ahead: I don't want you to.I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful.You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]Yes: NoNo: NoMaybe: NoI'm sorry: You'll be sorry.Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god,there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?In answer to the question "What's wrong?"The same old thing.: Nothing.Nothing.: Everything.Everything: My PMS is acting up.Nothing, really.: It's just that you're such an asshole..I don't want to talk about it.: Go away, I'm still building up steam.
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A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception."William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?""Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.""Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."
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Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball! "White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl's dress?Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra...Throw your bra..."Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride.Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse". Return a bra which the bride left in your car.If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".
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There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside."What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.""Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.""Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...""Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.""Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...""Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.""Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?""Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!"
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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
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"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law). If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
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Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.Spinster: A bachelor's wife.Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
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The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first500.Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didn't have enough so he left a little space, Here's to space!Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends... Drink Hearty!When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....John.To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today - He'll get her tonight Just living together
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Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
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Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria SteinemIf you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. TebbettsAt American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin TrillinA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - TynanThe first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe ValezMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VoltaireMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae WestBachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar WildeLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar WildeWhy are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
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A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.""Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher. "Would you mind if I had a look at it?"So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
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A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language."Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.""Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?""Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
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A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem."My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.""Is that a problem?" asked the therapist."Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"
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"I'm worried," said the woman to her sex therapist. "I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies.""That's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "I wouldn't worry about it.""But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's husband!"
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A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.""Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward."What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?""Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
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This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment."This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.""We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away."Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"
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A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says shedoesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist thatthe sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?""Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?""Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"
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An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"
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In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth AshleyMany a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim BackusNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de BalzacHoneymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray BandyMarriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - BaskinsI feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame InductionsLove: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose BierceThe world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose BierceI recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David BissonetteAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - BorgeIn the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - BoudelaireFor a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert BriffaultMy mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny BruceNever tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny BruceInsurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al BundyNothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al BundyOnce a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al BundyI hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg BundyI just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg BundyThe only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie BunkerIn matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - ButlerIf you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - ChekhovMarriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. ChestertonAn archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha ChristieThe most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
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A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room."The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in a square room."The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, "What do you see now?"Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"
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Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork.If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
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Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room1) Clip your toenails. 2) Read a Playboy magazine. 3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed. 4) Flirt with the nurse. 5) Watch a football game on your portable television. 6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.
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Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??"To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
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A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of30.He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor."Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
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A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars."They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back?I told you you're having sex properly."The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid."
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There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news."Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!""Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's!"
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This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it."Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.""Not really, I hardly felt it.""Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!""Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!"
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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup."How's your sex life?" the doctor asked."Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects.""What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously."Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?""Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.""That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.""Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?""I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly."As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?""I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"
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A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted."What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor."Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.""Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?"So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea."Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, "Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!""Shit, is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!"So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum."Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?""Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag!"
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After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked."A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?""Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before."
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A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex lately?"The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"The dentist says, "No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!"
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What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you that you have a sexually transmitted disease?Having your dentist tell you!
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An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?""Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite!"
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An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex therapists A stream of urologists
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An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. DIndeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"
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1. Cover your stump before you hump.2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick12. If you go into heat, package your meat.13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.18. The right selection! Protect your erection.19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.20. A crank with armor will never harm her.21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.25. No glove, No love.26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.
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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.and finally...In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."By the way, these are all true!
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I absolutley hate sex on the television.....I keep falling off!
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(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...Foul play has not been ruled out.
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Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos."Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him."Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?""This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise."All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door."The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?""Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.""Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, ok."So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over."Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer."Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted."To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.""Of course," she smiled."I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while."The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!"What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched.He looked up at her and smiled."Parkinsons," he replied.
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If Dear Abby Was A Man...Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX....10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL
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Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."Jack chose to climb the ladder.At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, "Who are you?"To which he replied, "Oh, I'm Cess"!
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If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute!
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With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!
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You know you're not a kid anymore when...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.You can live without sex, but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.You call Olan Mills before they call you.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.You sing along with the elevator music.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You make an appointment to see the dentist.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.Neighbors borrow your tools.People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"You have dreams about prunes.You answer a question with "because i said so!"You send money to PBS.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.You take a metal detector to the beach.You wear black socks with sandals.You know what the word "equity" means.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.Your ears are hairier than your head.You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."You go bowling without drinking.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?""Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
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A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"
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Yo mamma's so nasty, I was havin phone sex with her and I got an ear infection!
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There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on,but each night she is disappointed.Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom.""YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..,""Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!""and do a handstand...""Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise...Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"
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A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things...during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.The Nun then shyly speaks, "I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs". So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, "This is a tool...the tool that gives life".The nun thinks for awhile, and says - "well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!"
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One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:"How many here believe in ghosts?" Everyone put up their hand."How many have seen ghosts?"A lot of people put up their hand."How many have touched a ghost?"Five people put up their hands"How many have had sex with a ghost?"One person put up their hand."Well then," said the host, "why don't you come up here and tell us all about it."The man walked up."So, how was your night with the ghost?" asked the host."Ghost?" Said the man, "Sorry, I thought you said goat."
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What happens when you have :2 Italian men a 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek man and 1 Greek woman 2English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarianwoman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish womanOne month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in themiddle of nowhere, the following things have occurred :One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together ina menage ? trois.The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when theyalternate with the German woman.The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman iscleaning and cooking for them.The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to theEnglish woman.The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one lookat the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, whilethe American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own,the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they cando, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division ofhousehold chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion andtreated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother isimproving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting forinstructions.The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and bysetting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in thepicture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters ofcoconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the Englishare not getting any!
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Q:What protection does a nymphomaniac use during sex? A:A bus shelter.
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"
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George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."--------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.-----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?---------------------------------------------------------------------Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.---------------------------------------------------------------------Pregnancy:It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh mygod. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."---------------------------------------------------------------------Grandma:My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.---------------------------------------------------------------------Reverse Life Cycle:The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life istough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.------------------------------------------------------Prisons:Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house eachprisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.---------------------------------------------Award Shows:Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.-------------------------------------------Phone-in Polls:You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."----------------------------------------------------------Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone'sanswering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
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Cool Bumper Stickers-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. -Horn broken, watch for finger. -My kid had sex with your honor student. -If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. -I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. -Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -I'm just driving this way to piss you off. -Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Keep honking, I'm reloading. -Hang up and drive. -Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. -Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. -If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers. -I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. -We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! -Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot. -I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! -He who laughs last thinks slowest! -Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -Assassins do it from behind. -If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. -Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. -I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. -Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. -I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -Where there's a will, I want to be in it. -Few women admit their age...few men act theirs. -We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.If you are my friends, you owe me money.If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."Hi. Now you say something.""Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." beep "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.""Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.""This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.""Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.""Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.""If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.""You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.""You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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How did the blonde try to kill the bird...she threw it off of a cliff.How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves...she fell out of the tree.How did the blonde die, drinking milk...the cow stepped on her.How did the blonde burn her nose...bobbing for french fries.Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month...the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops...so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.Why do men like blonde jokes...it is one thing they can understand.Why do blondes like lightning...they think someone is taking their picture.Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces...from eating with forks.Why do blondes have more fun...they are easier to keep amused.What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides...an interpreter.What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer...frosted flakes.What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head...a space invader.What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case...branch manager.What do you call a smart blonde...a golden retriever.What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes...the back of her head.What does a blonde owl say...what, what...How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies...10...one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & M's.Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence...to see what is on the other side.Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back...from crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat...in case she locks the keys in her car.Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet...so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.Why was blondes created...because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge...why were brunettes created...neither could the blondes.Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor...she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months...because the box said from 2-4 years.Why did the blonde call the welfare office...she wanted to know how to cook food stamps.Where do blondes go to meet their relatives...the vegetable garden.What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon ... far - from - thinkin.What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois...oh look, donut seeds.What did the blonde name her pet zebra...spot.Why are dumb blonde jokes so short...so brunettes can remember them.Why can't blondes put in light bulbs...they keep breaking them with the hammer.When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head...when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it.Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license...because she got an F in sex.Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air...she missed.What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear...data transfer.What is gross ignorance...144 blondes.What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road...there are skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb...the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on.What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have...one that never misses a period.What is the blondes highest ambition in life...to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.What can save a dying blonde...hair transplants.What are the six worst years in a blonde's life...third grade.What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common...you keep hearing about them, but never see any.What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer...I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy...a hundred dollar bill.How do you confuse a blonde...You don't. They're born that way.How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries...if she had a checkbook.How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde...there is a stamp on it.How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook...she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.What is the difference between a blonde and bigfoot...bigfoot has been spotted.What does a blonde make best for dinner...reservations.What does a blonde and cow-pats have in common...they both get eaiser to pick-up with age.What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on...it's on, it's off, it's on...What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts...change.What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear...thanks for the refill.What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair...last years hide and go seek winner.What do you call a basement full of blondes...a whine cellar.What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool...an air bubble.What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel...an air bag.What do you call a blonde between two brunettes...a mental block.What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear...a wind tunnel.What do you call 15 blondes in a circle...a dope ring.What do you call a blonde in college...a visitor.What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty...a blonde parade.A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde...she got lost.Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting...but I don't know how to cook skeet.Question to the blonde...why do you have an ice pack on your chest...to keep the milk fresh.How do blonde brain cells die...alone.How do you measure a blonde's intelligence...stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.How to you keep a blonde busy all day...put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you...run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle...shine a flashlight in her ears.How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads.Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads...to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said "I dunno".How do blondes pierce their ears...they put tacks in their shoulder pads.How do you drown a blonde...put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.Why do blondes hate M & M's...they're to hard to peel.How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies...there are M&M shells all over the floor.What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory...proof reading.How do you keep a blonde in suspense...I'll tell you tomorrow.How do you keep a blonde busy...write "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.Why can't the blonde make ice cubes...she lost the receipt. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed...she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping.How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek...one.What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone...divorced.Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven...she didn't know which 1 came first.How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.Why does the blonde wear underclothes...to keep her ankles warm.Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for toes g o in first.How many blondes does it take to change a tire...5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads.How do you give a blonde a brain transplant...blow in her ear.What do blondes and beer bottles have in common...they're both empty from the neck up.Why did the blonde cross the road...never mind that, what's she doing out of the bedroom?What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear...thanks for the refill.What's the mating call of a brunette...Is that darn blonde gone yet?Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink...that's where you wash vegetables.How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle...shine a light in her ear.What's the advantage of being married to a blonde...you can park in handicapped zones.What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you...pull the pin and throw it back.What's the mating call of a blonde...I think I'm drunk.How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex...opens the car door.Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress...to keep her neck warm.Why did the blonde have square boobs...she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall...to see what was on the other side.What do blondes and cow pies have in common...the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb...6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb...two...one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went...it finally dawned on her.How did the blonde commit suicide...she dyed by her own hand.Brunette to the blonde...Awww, look at the dead birdie...the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer...there is "white-out" all over the screen.How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer ...there's writing on the "white-out".Why do blondes wear ear muffs?...to avoid the draft.What's the mating call of the blonde..."I'm soooo drunk"What's the mating call of the ugly blonde...(screaming) " I'm drunk!"What's the mating call of the brunette?...all the blonds have gone home.What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears...trying to hold on to a thought.Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?...because it said "concentrate".Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet...she thought it was diet coke.Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering...the noise gave her a headache.Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips...from trying to blow out lightbulbs.Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar...she heard that the drinks were on the house.Why don't blondes have elevator jobs...they don't know the route.Why does blondes have elevator jobs...they like going up and down.Why do blondes work seven days a week...so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons...you can also sit upright in a car.
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There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have "mad passionate animal sex." When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, "How much did you make," looking at his "good" son. The "good" son said $10, with a modest look on his face.Then the dad glared at his other son and said, "How about you?" The bad son said, "well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!"
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Redneck Driver's License Application...Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.Last name: ________________First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th gradeDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksAge you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshopModel and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not ApplicableHow many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] SkoalHow far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
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A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"
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One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says "we're playing poker" and the mother says "& I'm his partner".He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says "We're playing poker" and the grandmother says "& I'm his partner".He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says "I'm playing poker".The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !"
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BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKSDad's New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear When is Later? The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep How Far is Not Far? Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story The Boy Who Cried "Fire!" Things Rat Poison Looks Like Why Uncle Bud Falls Down Two Fingers in the Dike Back To School! A Munitions Primer Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice Things That Are Really Sharp How Dopey Got His Name Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships
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Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."Man: "Your place or mine?"Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"Woman: "It's in the phone book."Man: "But I don't know your name."Woman: "That's in the phone book too."Man: "So what do you do for a living?"Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"Woman: "Do not Enter"Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"Woman: "Unfertilized !"Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"Man: "I know how to please a woman."Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"Man: "I want to give myself to you."Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."Man: "Your body is like a temple."Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."Man: "I'd go through anything for you."Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthy meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room."What did the doctor say?" he asked."I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it."
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One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly."Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
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A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.She slowly spread her legs ... "Honey would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly. "Hell no!" he gasped, "look what it's done to your underwear!"
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1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.5. You drink pop, not soda.6. You know what it means to be on pogey.7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"23. You read rather than scanned this list.
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Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top."The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".
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What does a nymphomaniac say after she's had sex? Do all you guys play for the same team?
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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing) ___________________________________________________ In response... The male perspective on the same issue ... Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?""Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.""OK great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." No problem - it's the least I could do.And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied."And what's your wish genie?", the husband said."Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright."The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?""35." she replied."And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!"
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Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"....."What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex with a girl""Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.""Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin.""Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.""Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven."So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"
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MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2. Nothing improves with age.3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.4. Sex has no calories.5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.8. No sex with anyone in the same office.9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.12. Virginity can be cured.13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.17. It is always the wrong time of month.18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.22. The younger the better.23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.30. Love is a hole in the heart.31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.33. Do it only with the best.34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.46. Never say no.47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.52. Love comes in spurts.53. The world does not revolve on an axis.54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.60. "This won't hurt, I promise,"
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One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.Then she asks "Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!" and she asked "Really?? So the ghost was good??" and the old man said "GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!"
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On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane."I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:"WOMAN - Iron this shirt!"
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Questions to Ponder about ViagraIf a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO." Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.**********************************************VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC ------------------------ WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, "There's no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We've got to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands,like President Clinton's, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake."
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.""You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings."This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H."G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?""It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor."My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?""Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly."Will that cure me?""Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
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The Perfect Woman would say: 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.12. I'll be out painting the house.13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.17. Your mother did a great job raising you.18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or8.23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.24. That was a great fart! Do another one!25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
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Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."
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Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)
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Golf GenieA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied."No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.""OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied."And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied."And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!"
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.2) Less guilt the morning after.1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
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Stages of LifeTHE MALE STAGES OF LIFEAGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 MaaloxAGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 nappingAGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive."AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slaveAGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
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Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.
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TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)7. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
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What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?Locking the car doors!
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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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Nowhere, VermontSam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.""Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.By the way, what should I wear?"Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
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Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)1. Elementary map reading2. Crying and law enforcement3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")13. How to earn your own money14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy20. His best friend can be yours too21. His poker games: Deal yourself out22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)1. Combatting stupidity2. You too can do housework3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut4. How to fill an ice tray5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception9. Get a life; learn to cook10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong11. Spelling: Even you can get it right12. Understanding your financial incompetence13. You: The weaker sex14. Reasons to give flowers15. How to stay awake in public16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower20. I'll wear it if I damn well please21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home30. You too can be a designated driver31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")32. Changing your underwear: It really works33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work
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A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have." The short man replies, "I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it."The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK, "the short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues."I want a penis as large as yours." "Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. "OK, go right ahead." The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours."The short man replies, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
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Where does Bill Clinton have sex?- In the oral office.
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Some Warning Signs of Insanity- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.- You collect dead windowsill flies.- Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"- You like cats. Especially with mayo.- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.- Melba toast sexually excites you.- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
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