Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Animal Jokes

TO: BossFROM: BlondieRE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: JanuarkFebruarkMakJulkI also changed all the days of each week to: SundakMondakTuesdakWednesdakThursdakFridakSaturdak We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Blonde Jokes

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Blonde Jokes

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dirty Jokes

A well known, rich business man's wife broke her hip. The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the business man a bill for $5,000 for his services. The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor responded to the letter with the following:1 Screw: $1.00Knowing how to put it in: $4,999Total: $5,000The business man never argued.
Doctor Jokes

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Men Jokes

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove."These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.Love,Honey Bearp.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
Sex Jokes

AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic InfluenceAlways Unsafe Designs ImplementedAll Un-informed Drivers InsultedAll Unnecessary Devices Installed BMWBig Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICKBig Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGEDumb Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORDFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFast Only Rolling Downhill GMGeneral Maintenance GMCGarage Man's Companion HONDAHad One Never Did AgainHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged AutoHYUNDAIHope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILEOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile Back TOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object VWVirtually Worthless
Travel Jokes

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?""We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?""We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!""Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope.""Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.""Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
Travel Jokes

First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.Second snake:Why?First snake:Because I bit my lip!
Animal World

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placeda winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortunefor that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say hedoes.""I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who doyou think was bidding against you?"
Animal World

Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
At Work

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!
At Work

Long, but really funny...from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
At Work

More Jesse news... Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to thepopulation for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation,and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation,denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, whichwould require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation. Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Celebrities

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Willyou please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?""Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that whenyou croak we get to go to Disney World!"
Children

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
Children

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got therehis teacher asked,"Why are you late little Johnny?"Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn'tmuck around!"
Children

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's theproblem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again.""Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made myhomework paper into a paper airplane.""Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said theteacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand itin.""Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,the plane was hijacked."
Children

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"
Children

The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Computers

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am?July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet theydidn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of amodem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone whenyou are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thoughtthe dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figuredit out by the sound.July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not thisinternet thing. I'm confused.July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this AmericaOnline stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is comparedto me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer butnothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'mconnected to America Online not usenet.July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUTNOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPSLOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARDAND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THEOTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARDKEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE IHEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CANANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEINTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKEABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERSGREW THAT LARGE.AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. IWAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. IWASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USEPROFANITY.AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHATA STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CANTHEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Itsprobably an extra feature that costs more money.August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted itto every newsgroup I could find.August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I willhave to work on it some more.August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a fewposts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of theearth. I wonder what an aol is.August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but Ican't find that group.August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet askingwhere the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kidnext door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he'slaughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont lethim come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know whythe rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirtystuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and theyused bad words.August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internetasking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my newsignature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want toread my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short storyIlike.August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. Itold him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Computers

Definition of ProgrammerProgrammer:A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
Computers

Microsoft Market Penetration-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating everyaspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, asuite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsofthas been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. Itbelieves these technologies will give it substantial leverage inpenetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need forvirus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure thenon-propagation of life.The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in thepackage. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, forprofessionals in the sexual services sector.Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatorychannels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will beknown as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install thepackage. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimumhardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs andis sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. Afterinstallation, operation commences. One caution is that the user musthave sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session iscomplete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,"It is now safe to turn off your partner."DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concernduring beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most seriouserror encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of thesehave been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time itsused.CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is areasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior toits shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98'spotential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help ourcustomers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."
Computers

TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd) ****************************************************************** WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! ****************************************************************** WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true. D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including 2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability 3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center 4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List 5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page 6]The Urban Legends Web Site 7]Urban Legends Reference Pages 8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. ********************************************************************** This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.) **********************************************************************
Computers

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend! 11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US. 12:00 pm Lunch 3:30 pm Return from lunch. 3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out. 4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do. Tuesday ------- 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts. 9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling. 9:35 pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement. 10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment. 10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke. 1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. 1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!" 1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks. 1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. 2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that. 2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. Wednesday --------- 8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material... 10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums. 10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime. 11:00 am Lunch. 4:55 pm Return from lunch. 5:00 pm Shift change; Going home. Thursday -------- 8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. 8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. 9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! 11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door. 1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy... 4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow. Friday ------ 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left. 9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom. 9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications. 9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. 10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours. 11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. 11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. 11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!" 11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him. 12:00 am Lunch. 1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast. 1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology! 2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. 2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport. 2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately. 3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases. 4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. 4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Computers

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center andregistered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyedwater sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and wasvery small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him apenguin.
Computers

Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!(This is where you have to scroll down)Really, go on and make one wish!!!Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!Wish something else!!!Not *that* either, you pervert!!Is your finger getting tired yet?You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certainnumber of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat andthen thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!Really!!! Here's how it goes.Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them astupid chain letter.Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending thema stupid chain letter.5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupidchain letter.10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them astupid chain letter.20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with youfor sending them a stupid chain letter.Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Computers

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questionedhis client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?""Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?""No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first outof bed."Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in forunnatural connubial practices?""Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything aboutthe connubial."Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out arewhat grounds you have.""Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.""Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for youseeking this divorce?""Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold anintelligent conversation."
Ethnic

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professionalman who will just love them for who they are.What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them onlybecause no other woman wants him.What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela LeeAnderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome offa flag pole.What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extralbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kissand gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experiencetogether.What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzWhat men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor theirparents.What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents everyfault and make their life a living hell.1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....Ihope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heartand soul, I am forever yours."5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summonedto divorce proceedings..."
Relationships

Why Jim Smith Lost His First LoveJim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, andafter careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a departmentstore and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pairof panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jimsealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.Dearest Darling,This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearingany when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your youngersister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wearsthe short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, butthe lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for threeweeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on andshe really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I havethe chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them beforeputting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hopeyou like them and will wear them for me next Friday night. All My Love, JimmyP.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
Relationships

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""How marvelous," the old man said."Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
Relationships

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his mother asking him to send her a current photoof himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to lether know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts aphoto in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send apicture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picturein half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of thephoto. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent thewrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother'seyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weekslater he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...itmakes your nose look short!"
Miscellaneous

Noah And Today's ArkThe Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am goingto make it rain until the whole world is covered with water andall the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few goodpeople and two of every living thing on the planet. I am orderingyou to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he deliveredthe specifications for the ark."OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with theblueprints, "I'm your man.""Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "Youbetter have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, longtime!"Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain beganto fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting inhis yard, weeping, and there was no ark."Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning boltcrashed into the ground right beside Noah."Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but therewere some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit forthe ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get intoa long argument with him about whether to include afire-sprinkler system.""My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoningordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to geta variance from the city planning board.""Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish andWildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, butthey wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.""Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by ananimal rights group that objected to me taking along only two ofeach kind.""Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that Icouldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impactstatement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to theidea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a SupremeBeing.""Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed floodplan. I sent them a globe!""Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with theEqual Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'msupposed to hire.""The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying toleave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that Iowe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish theark in less than five years."With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbowarched across the sky.Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroythe world?" he asked hopefully."No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
Religion

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
Situations

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to gointo the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
Situations

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute tits.
Elderly

|St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Sport Jokes

|Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from DojoThe quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper StanceStanding at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion. Sigh of WisdomSudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury. Crossing FingersA hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious. Gift of InstructionThe act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly. Seeing Without SeeingThe dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question. Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza. Mugger's DefenseOffering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation. Sensei's DownfallFailing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open. Further requirements:Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form). Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon. Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot. Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks. Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation. Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice). Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something). Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock. Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment. Must be able to sing Karaoke. Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...) Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course). Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi". Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies. Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat. Must be able to keep all bleeding internal. Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less. Note:Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
Sport Jokes

A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Relationships

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. "HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat." "That's not your chest!" he roars back. "Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Relationships

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught ajudge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. Heasked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to getone. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got thelicense from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out theyhad filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and viceversa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and gotanother license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date inthe wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissuedlicenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If thereare irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, andany children you might have would be technical bastards." Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Relationships

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. NowI want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.Then, finally, she says "You".
Relationships

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.""What a diamond!""How lucky you are!""Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?""Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
Relationships

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. "HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back. "Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Relationships

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers willbe debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will bedeflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will bedebriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
Miscellaneous

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
Miscellaneous

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Miscellaneous

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough. copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
Miscellaneous

How to Hunt Elephants -- Comp Sci Style Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.4. During each traverse a. Catch each animal seen b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A byplacing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that thealgorithm will terminate. Sent by Alex
Miscellaneous

Diary EntriesAUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. Thehills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow coveringthem. I love it here.OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turnedall the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through thebeautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly theyare the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love ithere.NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting tokill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here.DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed inwhite. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow offthe steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), andwhen the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What abeautiful place. I love Ohio. DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trickagain to the driveway. I love it here.DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get towork. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on myhands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner andwaits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole.DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get myhands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill thebastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt thefucking ice.DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days exceptfor shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. Theweatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do youknow how many shovels full 10" of snow is?DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34" of that white shitthis time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door andasked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovelsalready shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke mylast one right over his Fuckin' Head!JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get foodand on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts shouldbe killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November.MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe themotherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on theroads?MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mindwanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.
Miscellaneous

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he wentout and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might noticehim on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there wasthis bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. Thethe guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to thebum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy wentover to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off hisback. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of thisguy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to getthe hell out of here!"
Religion

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?The nun has hope in her soul.
Religion

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale."Good morning, madam. I've come to....""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results""My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London""Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?""That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.""Tripod?????""Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Situations

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspectit. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Veryembarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticedher little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at thatmoment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman."Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit inyour pants when you hear what the price is."
Situations

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When askedwhy had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes,sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculousplace I ever worked. Last night they played a game calledBridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about tobring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down andlet's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've gotstrength but no length." Another man says to the lady,"Take your hand off my trick!""I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength forone raise." Another lady was talking about protecting herhonor. Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play withyour husband and you can play with mine.""Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, Ihope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'llgo home now. This is the last rubber"
Situations

Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do?Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases.First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tonguekissing and sometimes not.--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, oroutside the clothes genital contact.--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or yourpartner.--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached inthe times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressedsex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enterthe equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present withoutfurther ado... Standardized Guide to the Bases!--On Deck- Having plans for a date--Strike-Out- Duh!!--Walk- Kissing--Bunt- Masturbation--Single- Tongue kissing--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex--Home Run- SEX!--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom--Error- Condom breaks during sex--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom--Hall of Fame- Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms tobetter explain all the things that can happen now a days.--Balk- Premature ejaculation--Pine Tar- KY jelly--Relief pitcher- Vibrator--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly--Box Seats- Waterbed--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions--Rookie- Virgin--Minor Leagues- Under 18--Loaded Bases- manage a trois--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours--Foul tip- VD--Three up and three down- impotencyNow that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrastthe old confusion with current clarity.OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got likepast third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside thepark home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call ina relief pitcher.Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot ofthe confusion and helps you out.I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!Douglas K. Blystone---------------------------------------------------------------------------Rule 2.Section3.The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point notspecifically covered in the rules.
Sex

What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said "Me too."Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Sex

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."
Sex

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
Sex

Oprectomy KENMORE HOSPITAL 61 COMMONWEALTH AVE. BOSTON, MA. 02115 DATE:____________NAME:ADDRESS:Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of thisextremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connectsyour eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shittyoutlook on life. Sincerely, J. Grabber, M.D. Kenmore Hospital
Medicine

Proctologists Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing. Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end." Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash- ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc, I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he's one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political convention. Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve people's concept of these doctors of the down under. o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica- tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have their fingernails removed. o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort. o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like: "Let our fingers do the walking." "We'll bend over backwards for you." "Please, take my seat." "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning." "It looks like the End."o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers like: "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar." "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you." "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!" "Yes, I see a family resemblance." "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low." "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..." "Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let's do a dry run." "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet." "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove." "How long have you had this crack in your butt?" "I see you had pizza last night." "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?" "Ah, you must be gay." "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?" "Ooops, I think I lost my watch." "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!" "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill." "Gee, I hope I can get this out." "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?" "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"Jack KolbDept. of English, UCLAkolb@ucla.edu
Medicine

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minoroperation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady ina white dress and brought to the corridor. Beforethey enter the room she leaves her behind the theatredoor to go in and check whether everything is ready.A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes thesheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walksaway and talks to another man in a white coat. The secondman comes over and does the same examinations.When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations arefine and appreciated, but when are you going to start thoperation?"The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I haveno idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Medicine

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.""And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said."Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."
Medicine

Humor story by Larry GravesWebsite: http://www.gravetimes.com/ MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONSA few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence: #1 "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!" #2 "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go.First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the Guinness Book of World Records. The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constantlaughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was being woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't think so." Another dream shattered...sent by Larry Graves
Medicine

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below: 1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ? 1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA. 2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts. 3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days". 2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is: 1. All you'll ever need. 2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol. 3. The signal to open Fire. 3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was: 1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence. 2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women. 3. A training film. 4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer. 1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use. 2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all. 3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser. 5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to: 1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you. 2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ? 3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60. 6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply: 1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force! 2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs ! 3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that! 7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE] 1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing. 2. What's a bra ? 3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling. 8. Define "male." 1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence." 2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere. 3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower. 9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong? 1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that. 2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure. 3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique. 10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire? 1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche. 2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place. 3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings? Grading the Exam * If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it. * If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ? * If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".
Women

Guyness QuizTake This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:a. Present it to the president of the United States.b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.c. Take it apart.2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?a. Innocence.b. Idealism.c. Cherry bombs.3. When is it okay to kiss another male?a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.4. What about hugging another male?a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:a. A cat.b. A dog.c. A dog that eats cats.7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.c. Tell her what?9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"b. "They're in school already?"c. "There are three of them?"10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?a. He was being tested.b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.c. He refused to ask directions.12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?a. Democracy.b. Religion.c. Remote control.How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a realguy would score at least 15, because he would get the specialfive-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer'sdisease and cancer.
Men

Are YOU A HARD MAN?1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?a) Whisper back "I love you too".b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.4/. If you break wind during the night do you?a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)Blame her and give her a boot.5/. If she breaks wind do you?a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.b) Clout the bitch.c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in andstick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol andset fire to the cunts.7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap andshe's in the bath. Do you?a) Go next door and use theirs.b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of theshell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlingstaking off.8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?a) Wait until next week.b) Wank.c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on theRibena ad.9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then getpissed.10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.15 - 29. You must try harder.30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
Men

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Politics

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it to the White House at [3]president@whitehouse.gov Name: Hometown: Sex: F__ Age: Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot: ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:... You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon, Uncle Sam wants you. *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Politics

Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter."'It's me, Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton."Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Politics

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side,it had snowed during the night and everything wascovered in snow. He looks down and sees somethingwritten in urine on the lawn it reads"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "Ihope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For themto write it in the spot it's in they would have had tobe on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests. Doyou want to here the bad news or the awful news first."Bill sighs "bad I guess"."The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh!Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...What'sthe awful news?!"The FBI agents look at each other..."The hand writing was Hillary's"
Politics

Presidential Election'2000Dear Abby,I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb ofPhiladelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is marriedto a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested forgrowing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my othertwo sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, onewho is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape andmurder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently beingheld in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his threechildren. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fianceand look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want tobe totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who votedfor Bush?Signed,Worried about my reputation
Politics

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter."It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marryyou. I will never get a lawyer!"
Legal

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse.A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams.Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the partsof the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired fora sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad invarious forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon theunimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. thelawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in theHouse to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, theparty of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/ordisbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulledand/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, thepreviously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen(hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is furtherasserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have beeninvolved.)The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deerintentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of severalresidences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, andnoted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and otheritems of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation orpermission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in ared fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementionedpackages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared tobe tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances andhealth regulations.Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of theminor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and othersmall gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to saidminor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Uponcompletion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where theVehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediatelydeparted for an unknown destination.However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from saidHouse, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Legal

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch.He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don'tmind but I'm busting to have a piss".Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK whydon't you go behind these bushes".She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,thick appendage hanging between her legs.He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!"."No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
Ouch

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into orwhat your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littleembarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.Will you do it?" Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at thebedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of anoperation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I wentahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to becircumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"
Ouch

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hopedto attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you pleasetell me where your library is at?"The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply.""Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?"Sent by Randy
School

What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman
Travel

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he saidafterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn'tlook very convinced.Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward."Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of youwho are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
War

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"
War

|A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Bar Jokes

|Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Aviation Jokes

|For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.
Business Jokes

|How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. 3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 4. If the person says he\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" 6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\'t have any friends...would you be my friend?" 9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" 10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. 11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\'s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\'t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Business Jokes

|A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
Business Jokes

|General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?""Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.""I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too.""I'd like to see that."So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!""Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
Military Jokes

|Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles 7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit? 6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters 5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day 4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude" 3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center 2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island 1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
Military Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so denseThat nothing that flew could slip through our defense.When out of the klaxon arose such a clatterI dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded."Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.So we sent out some recon to look for debris,Yet all that they found, both on land and on seaWere some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.There are unhappy kids in each village and town.For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evadeAll the web of defenses we've carefully made.But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
Military Jokes

|In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
Police Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through, It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself. Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!The above document was written by Chet Raymo.
Computing Jokes

|July 18I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.July 19Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?July 20I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 21I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.July 22The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.July 23What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.July 24The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.July 25I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 26I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.July 27These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.July 28I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.July 29I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.July 30I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.July 31The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.August 1Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.August 2I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.August 3I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.August 4I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.August 5I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.August 6Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Computing Jokes

|OFFICE MEMODate: 1/18/96SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE ITStock Price Increases 50%"We'll do it better," Says MicrosoftCUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.
Computing Jokes

|Dear Boss,I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
Computing Jokes

|There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it. There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between. The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone. After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.Part Two: Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole. Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust. All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them. Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name. Part Three: All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream. Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
Computing Jokes

|What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Computing Jokes

|My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
Computing Jokes

|If Microsoft Ran The IRS "Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise). -- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May. -- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements. -- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property. -- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices. -- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form. -- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported. -- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number. -- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication. -- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed. -- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice. -- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
Computing Jokes

|This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
Ethnical Jokes

|Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
Ethnical Jokes

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say..."IT'S A GUY THING"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated:* "I have no idea how it works.""TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated:* "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Translated:* "What did you catch me at?""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Mixed Jokes

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say..."IT'S A GUY THING"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated:* "I have no idea how it works.""TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated:* "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Translated:* "What did you catch me at?""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Gender Jokes

|Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Gender Jokes

|Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
Stats/Math Jokes

|Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is."200,000" replies the first guest."Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"The new guest responds with "250"."Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five"."Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
Instrument Jokes

|Q: What is the range of a tuba?A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.Q: What's a tuba for?A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?A: The policemanTuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?Friend: I hope so.Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?A: With a "tuba glue."
Instrument Jokes

|"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter.""Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Instrument Jokes

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere.Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.Allegro: Leg fertilizer.Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.Clausula: Mrs. Santa.Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.Countertenor: A singing waiter.Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.Da capo al fine: I like your hat!Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.Estampie: What they put on letters in QuebecFermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.Fine: That was great!Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.Harmonic Minor: A good music student.Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle AgesIsorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other halfLai: What monks give up when they take their vows.Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhornsLonga: The time between visits with Vire.Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.etronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.Neums: Renaissance midgetsOpus: A penguin in Kansas.Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.Quaver: Beginning viol class.Rackett: Capped reeds class.Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.Sancta: Clausula's husband.Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.Supertonic: Schweppes.Tempo: This is where a headache begins.Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Trope: A malevolent Neum.Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals
Instrument Jokes

Dear Tech Support:I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.Can you please help!Joe.Dear Joe,This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but haveended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.Best of luck!Tech Support
Miscellaneous

International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Miscellaneous

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Miscellaneous

A Networkologist's Christmas"'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. "No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID5."But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! "No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank." And then I discovered my backups were blank.The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days.And nobody's tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock."What's your problem?" he asked. "Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, soI knew that this time bomb was going to blow." Who was this guy? Who did he think he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves. His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. "Whoever configured this network's a jerk," He said with a :-) as he quickly rebooted,Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO,To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole. "Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!" He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. "Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!Technology often looks just like some magic To people who don't understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two,Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!" My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. "How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick, If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING." And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, "Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"
Miscellaneous

Enlightenment Quiz1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang2. A Zen koan is ........> A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......> A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana10) Om Mani Padme Om means:- A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?True-False_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring._______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays._______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder._______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]
Miscellaneous

Ebonics Crimmus PomeWuz de nite befo Crimmus An' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin' Dey wuz sleepin' goodWe hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin' our checkAll o'de fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey headsI passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe 'spectin' de sheriff Wif a warrent fo shoAnd what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!!Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis niteFaster dan a Po'lees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An' called dem by name!On Leroy, on 'Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!!As he landed dat watta' mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' Da damndest site I ebber did seeHe didn't go down no chimbley He picked da' lock on my doe An' I sez to myself "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"He had dis big bag Full of prezents I 'xpect Wid Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun' my neckBut he not leevin no prezents Jus stealing my shit Got my drugs, got my guns Got my crack pipe...still lit!Wit my stuff in de bag Out da window he flewed I woudda' tried to cut him But he stoled my 'nife too!!He jumped on dat wadda' mellon An' whipped out a switch He wuz gone in a seccon' Dat sum of a bitch!!Next year I be hopin' Anutha Sanna we git Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!Murry Crimmus
Miscellaneous

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:17. "I finished the Oreos."16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"7. "Get your *own* ice cream."6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."5. "Got milk ?"4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
Miscellaneous

|Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Job/Office Jokes

|Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.) Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.) Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.) See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.) All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.) Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.) Robust! (Rugged, but more so) Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged) Years of development. (One finally worked) Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.) No maintenance. (Impossible to fix) Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix) Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.) We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!) I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
Job/Office Jokes

|Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON:If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office. I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes. I’M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE:I’ve changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO:I’m never at my desk.
Job/Office Jokes

|For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Dumb Jokes

|Things My Mother Taught MeMy Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home. and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
Mom/Dad Jokes

|My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home." And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"
Mom/Dad Jokes

|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!With truly the deepest love,AgnesDecember 15, 2003Dearest Dave,Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.With all of my love,Your AgnesDecember 16, 2003Dearest Dave,You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.Love,AgnesDecember 17, 2003Dear Dave,Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,AgnesDecember 18, 2003Dearest darling Dave,It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!All my love,AgnesDecember 19, 2003Dear Dave,When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.Cordially,AgnesDecember 20, 2003Dave,What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.Sincerely,AgnesDecember 21, 2003O.K. wise guy,The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!AgnesDecember 22, 2003Hey loser,What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!You'll get yours!AgnesDecember 23, 2003You rotten scum!!!There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!One who means it!December 24, 2003Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!Your sworn enemy,AgnesDecember 25, 2003The Law Offices ofBadger, Rees, and Yorker20 Knave StreetChicago, IllinoisDear sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Rees, and YorkerThis document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
Christmas Jokes

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.
Christmas Jokes

|Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Christmas Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!When what to my worrying eyes should appear,But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,With each part numbered and every slot named,So if we failed, only we could be blamed.More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,All over the carpet they were scattered about."Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.""Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."And then in a twinkling, I knew for a factThat all the toy dealers had indeed made a pactTo keep parents busy all Christmas Eve nightWith "assembly required" till morning's first light.We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thinBefore we attached the last rod and last pin.Then laying the tools away in the chest,We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,And not have to run to the store for a thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setFor the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
Christmas Jokes

|10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.8. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 7. Well, well, well... 6. I really don't deserve this. 5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program. 1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
Christmas Jokes

|T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,As he added the latest version of Netscape.The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Christmas Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.
Christmas Jokes

|Dear Santa,How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.Best of luck,Billy Gates
Christmas Jokes

|"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Irish Jokes

|An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
Irish Jokes

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? "Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Miscellaneous

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Miscellaneous

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. "Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat. "Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" she replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Dear Kill 17,000 Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases." Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run." Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American." Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played." Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!" Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Miscellaneous

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. Bob Hope As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Sir Norman Wisdom Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. Mike Tyson You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. John Mendoza As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. Robert Quillen People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. Geoffrey Parfitt
Miscellaneous

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Miscellaneous

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire" 9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell 8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair" 7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room" 6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow" 5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook" 4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula" 3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You" 2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village" 1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian
Miscellaneous

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!" . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Miscellaneous

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say... "IT'S A GUY THING" "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?" "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."
Miscellaneous

17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant.. 1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
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President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
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I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago. You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one. The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late! I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw. I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane! If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move? Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
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What's the latest dope -- besides you? I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture. You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself. When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound. Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot. If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad. You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion now she believes in infanticide. I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat. You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would. You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it! You never strike out blindly you fail in the light. They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
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These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this..) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money. 2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call. 3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person." 4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!" 5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it. 6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time." 7) Beep when a large person backs up. 8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men." 9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance" 10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public. 11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds. 12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car. 13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster. 14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises. 15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
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A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear.. "I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."
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Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
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"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep." "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
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DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, inattempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....
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THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.___________________________________________Still think you're having a bad day?A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, sheonce again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.______________________________________________Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both._____________________________________________Still think you are having a bad day?A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman._______________________________________________STILL think you're having a bad day?Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.____________________________________________What?! STILL having a bad day??Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
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"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -'You'll never find anyone like me again!'I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.""Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.""Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?""My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'""In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?""I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.""A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.""I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.""I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.""Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?""Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.""If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.""The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
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My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishesNow that your husband sleeps with the fishes.Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.I picked up this card from a slim selectionBut that's all they offer here in witness protection.Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.Violets are blue, roses are red,I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one lookYou'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!Youse da greatest. Youse da best.But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.When a goon makes you die,Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
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10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunkBut the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.9. Our love will never become cold and hollowUnless, one day, you refuse to swallow.8. I bought this Valentine's card at the storeIn hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.7. This feels so good, it feels so rightI just wish it wasn't $250 a night.6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of classEspecially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.5. Before I met you, my heart was so famishedBut now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!4. Through all the things that came to passOur love has grown. . . but so's your ass.3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutieI just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or cornySo, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.Happy Holidays to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 3rdTO: ALL EMPLOYEESRegarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.Patty Lewis - Human Researchers DirectorDecember 7thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses DirectorDecember 9thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESPeople, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."Patty Lewis - Human RatracesDecember 10thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESVegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?The Bitch from Hell!December 14thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
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Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...Hah Tu Spek Suthun:BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."FAR - noun. A conflagration.Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."BAHS - noun. A supervisor.Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."TIRE - noun. A tall monument.Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."RETARD - Verb. To stop working.Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."FARN - adjective. Not local.Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."JU-HERE - a question.Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction.Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
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The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"."CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works.""I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Means: "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completelyclueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Means: "What did you catch me at?""I HEARD YOU.""I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Means: "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
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"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?""Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife.""How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an uglybaby?""I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind.""I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I neverbelieved in Hell until I met you.""As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're nothere to ruin it for me.""As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...""Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!""Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.""Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you.""You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!""When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.""I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.""We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?""I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here.""Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you everfind out who the father was?""You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.""Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
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***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***17. "I finished the Oreos." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!" 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk ?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..." And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant: 1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
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Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I've changed my mind.""I must admit, you brought religion into my life.I never believed in Hell till I met you.""Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:What the heck was I thinking?""If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.""As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.Like the need for therapy...""Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!""Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!""Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.""Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.""When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.""The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
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Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:Dear GOD:Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - JaneDear GOD:Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - LarryDear GOD:If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - MickeyDear GOD:I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - NanDear GOD:In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - JaneDear GOD:I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, AlisonDear GOD:Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - LucyDear GOD:Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? AnitaDear GOD:Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD:Who draws the lines around the countries? - NanDear GOD:I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD:What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD:Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - DarlaDear GOD:Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - JoyceDear GOD:It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)Dear GOD:Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear GOD:Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. BruceDear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - DeniseDear GOD:If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - RaphaelDear GOD:I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - SamDear GOD:You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - DeanDear GOD:I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.Dear GOD:I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - ElliottDear GOD:Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- RobDear GOD:My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - MarshaDear GOD:I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, ChrisDear GOD:We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, DonnaDear GOD:The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - EddieDear GOD:I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - CharlesDear GOD:I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
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Things Not To Say During SexGirls shouldn't say:You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------Guys shouldn't say:A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark."OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man.""Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark."Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah."Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark'sconstruction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.""Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.""Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.""Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.""Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!""Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire.""Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully."No," said the Lord, "the government already has!"
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
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A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle finger upright Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA bytesAn application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a pianoMemory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found outCompress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a whileLog on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commodeCut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the fluI guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead
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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -JaneDear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, AlisonDear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -LucyDear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -AnitaDear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -BruceDear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -DeniseDear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -RaphaelDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -DannyDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -SamDear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -DeanDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -ElliottDear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -NanDear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -RobDear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -MarshaDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, DonnaDear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -EddieDear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -CharlesDear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene
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New Miracle Diet!Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!DAY ONE Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.DAY TWO Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.DAY THREE Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.FINAL DAY Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible."All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.""I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.""Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!"
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This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!
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Things you don't want to hear during surgery:1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie. 7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 9. Damn, there go the lights again...10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?14. I hope his family won't miss him15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.
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Herewith is a compendium of movie clich?s, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there's a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren't idiots.Actress Inferior Position - In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man's, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.AC-WAT-NOBI Movie - A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In.Against All Odds Rule - In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive. In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths."Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens." - Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, "(Name), is that you?" it NEVER is.Air Vent Escape Route - If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil.Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) - Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc.) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents.Ali MacGraw's Disease - Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.Back seat Inviso-Syndrome - Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule - If a rental movie box has a warning such as "If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film!" -do not rent this film.Baguette Envy - In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly8.5 inches of it will be exposed.Bartender Establishing Shot - All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag."Based on a True Story." - Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing,morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened.Bathroom Rule - No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window.Beeping Rule - In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that "something important has been found." The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command.Beginning, The - Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.Best Play of the Game Rule - Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer."Betcha Can't Name That Tune" Ploy - Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire', are perfectly happy playing nothing but chords. By never straying anywhere near a recognizable melody, they avoid paying royalties.'Betsy' Syndrome - Identifying an actor in print by their latest film, regardless of how weak it was. Inspired by a newspaper article that appeared toward the end of Sir Lawrence Olivier's career, referring to him as "Lawrence ('The Betsy') Olivier."Big Nod, The - Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side.Bogeyman Shot - Unaware victim is shot in close-up looking toward the camera, while a huge lopsided space is left vacant for the monster/killer to appear in.Boob Tube - There is never anything worth seeing on TV in the movies.Boom-Boom Rule - Whenever a building or a car explodes, the explosion will be repeated in its entirely from several different camera angles.Born in the USA - Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.British Roman Rule - All leaders of the Roman Empire have British accents. Why don't filmmakers want Romans to at least have Italian accents?Broken Compass Principle - In New York City chase scenes, cars are able to turn off of avenues onto other avenues. This is impossible, since the avenues are parallel.Bumbling Night Watchman - Any scene involving the good guy burgling an office at night will inevitably include a semi- competent night watchman, whose sole purpose is to inject an element of danger into an otherwise boring event. Actions performed by the watchman usually include shining flashlight through the window, rattling doorknobs, watching security monitors, etc., all done in a manner that allows the good guy to continue undetected until just after he discovers the needed information or object. He will then flee the scene with the watchman in pursuit.Bun and Spectacles Rule - Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large thick round ones will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe.
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".The native repeats, "Tree".They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".The native repeats the word, "Bush".They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?"And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"
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Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,As he added the latest version of Netscape.The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"Merry Xmas to you all !!!
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"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead.""We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?""That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.""I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?""I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.""You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up.""This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.""I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
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There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.?So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."
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A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it -If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"
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In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,"Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive..."
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Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:TO: My BossFROM: BlondieSUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2KI hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:JanuarkFebruarkMakJulkI also changed all the days of each week to:SundakMondakTuesdakWednesdakThursdakFridakSaturdakWe are now Y to K compliant.Your loyal secretary!
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says ... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"
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A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
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"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming."I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My Modems. "If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Don't even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by "dialing up" a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10%of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link. )Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but it's true).Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sows another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, you've taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction.After you take the next step by dialing up the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that it's very easy to "log-on. "This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when you're on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you're too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you enter one or two of your own.That's fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu.Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program title sand descriptions scroll by. They're FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and you're landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, you've downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelman's PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil). BBS-LIST. DQC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (There's evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each board's specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talk's voluminous dialing directory.You try the number again -- still busy. You think, "Hey, there's one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe I'll try it. It's about half-way across the country, but it's after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It won't be too expensive."The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes you've downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board --only this one's completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night . . . and the next night. . . and the next. . . . Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills -- if she hasn't divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that one's busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost "high." When you finally hang up, you still can't work; you can only dial up another RBBS.Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this society's terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine "bingo cards." Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them. )Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest.The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills, and you can find peace -- at last.
Miscellaneous

Wuz de night befo CrismusAn all ober de hoodEverybody wuz sleepin'Day wuz sleepin' good. Everbody wuz sleepin'all tight in they bedsWhilst Thunderbird WineDanced in they headsI was passed out on de floRight next to my MaWhen I heard such a fussI thinked "It must be de law!!"I looked out tru de barzdat covered my doSpectin' de sherifwith a warrant fo sho!Now ober de yearsSanny Claws, he be white. But it lookin' like us brosgot a black Sanny dis nightNow what I did seemade me say "LAWD Lood at dat!"It was a huge watermellon cadipulled by dwarf ratsFaster than a po-lice carTrue de air he camean whupped up on dem warf ratsan called emm by name. On Leroy, on Kendrick,On Jontarious Lee, on FalaciousThey was a sight to seeHe didn't go down no chimbly-just picked de lock on my do'An I says to myself-"Shit! He done did befo'!"He had a big sackfull of presents I spectWith Air Jordans and Fake Goldto go 'round my neck. But he didn't leave any presents-just started steelin' my shitHe got my drugs, my stoled gunsan even my burglars kit!With his sack on his backOut de winder he flewI sho woulda catched 'em,but he stole my knife too!He jumped on dat watermelon cadiand pulled out a switchHe was gone in a seconddat son-of-a-bitchI sho hope nex yeara white Sanny we git'Cause de black Sanny Clawsjus' ain't wuf a shit!!
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Less Common Latin PhrasesQuo signo nata es?What's your sign?Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.You know, the Romans invented the art of love.O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!Spero nos familiares mansuros.I hope we'll still be friends.Mellita, domi adsum.Honey, I'm home.Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.I am as dead as the nehru jacket.Ventis secundis, tene cursum.Go with the flow.Totum dependeat.Let it all hang out.Te precor dulcissime supplex!Pretty please with a cherry on top!Magister Mundi sum!I am the Master of the Universe!Fac me cocleario vomere!Gag me with a spoon!Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?Prehende uxorem meam, sis!Take my wife, please!Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!I forgot to polish the clocks!Vescere bracis meis.Eat my shorts.Sic faciunt omnes.Everyone is doing it.Vacca foedaStupid cowFac ut vivas.Get a life.Raptus regaliterRoyally screwedAnulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!Let's all wear mood rings!Insula GilliganisGilligan's Island
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GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....I found your cat...Sorry!4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
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Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.9. Affirmative action.10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.12. Oprah.13. Feminists.14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.22. Women sportscasters.23. Women congressman.24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)25. Marge Schott.26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don?t need to talk)36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.37. That damn apple.38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.40. Rosanne. Nuff said.41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!48. The Mute button only works on the TV.49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.51. Equality is for math.52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.54. Marcia Clark.55. Chick-flicks.56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.58. Michael Jackson.59. Silence and sex make a great combination.60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.64. High phone bills really suck.65. Women should be seen and not heard.66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).68. Because they're not men.69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hearthem?74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.
Miscellaneous

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.Question: What is one horsepower?Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.Talc is found in rocks and on babies.The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs.When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.When planets do it we say they are orbiting.Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?Answer: I have never performed this experiment.Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.Lime is a green tasting rock.Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.Rain is saved up in cloud banks.In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORTI am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do ,anything, until he knows for sure.I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Miscellaneous

Dear Sister,This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females. Unlike other chain letters,this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to 5 of your friends who are equally tired and discontented,then bundle up your husband/boyfriend.Send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.Do not break the chain.One woman broke the chain and got her own bastard back.At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men.They buried her yesterday,but it took 3 undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and 3 days to get her legs together to close the coffin.Have faith!Liberated woman...
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"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign"This is a great day for France!"--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."--George Bush"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."--Dan Quayle"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."--Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."--Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."--George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."--George Bush"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."--Ronald Reagan"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."--Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."--Dan Quayle"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."--Ronald ReaganAND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.FOREIGN GOOFS"Bite the wax tadpole."-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."-- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese"I am a jelly doughnut"--English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall"We pray for MacArthur's erection."--sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."--from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroadMISCELLANEOUS"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."--correction printed in The Daily Californian"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!"--Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?"--announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience
Miscellaneous

"I'm going fishing."Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Let's take your car."Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.""Woman driver."Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.""I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.""It's a guy thing."Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really meanAbsolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."Good idea."Really means"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.""Have you lost weight?"Really means"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.""My wife doesn't understand me."Really means"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means"I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means"The batteries in the remote are dead.""I got a lot done."Really means"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.""We're going to be late."Really means"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.""You cook just like my mother used to."Really means"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.""I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""That's interesting, dear."Really means"Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means"I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me."Really means"You want me to stay awake.""It's a really good movie."Really means"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.""That's women's work."Really means"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Will you marry me?"Really means"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.""Go ask your mother."Really means"I am incapable of making a decision.""You know how bad my memory is."Really means"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."Really means"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""Football is a man's game."Really means"Women are generally too smart to play it.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house."Really means"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I can't find it."Really means"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"Really means"What did you catch me at?""What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.""She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means"She refused to make my coffee.""But I hate to go shopping."Really means"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.""No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means"You may actually get it to start.""I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.""I heard you."Really means"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""You know I could never love anyone else."Really means"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""You look terrific."Really means"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I brought you a present."Really means"It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.""I missed you."Really means"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means"No one will ever see us alive again.""We share the housework."Really means"I make the messes, she cleans them up.""This relationship is getting too serious."Really means"I like you more than my truck.""I recycle."Really means"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.""Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?""It sure snowed last night."Really means"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.""It's good beer."Really means"It was on sale.""I don't need to read the instructions."Really means"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.""I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.""I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.""I broke up with her."Really means"She dumped me."
Miscellaneous

1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled.2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer.3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer.4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer.5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them.6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too!7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring.9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing.10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor.11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference!12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend!13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you.14. Make someone's day, -- or night.15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer!16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar.17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor.19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend!20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard!21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate.23. Dive in. -- Naked!24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :)25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds.26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked.27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice.28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine.29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle.30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice.31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector!32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow!33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman.34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination.35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer.36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same.37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend.38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming.39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them!40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities.41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap.42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub!43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat!44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.45. Dance -- in bed46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick.47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they?48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!
Miscellaneous

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area - Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money? ". The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, "What the fuck is this?"The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.Mr. Big said, "Do you know how to read sign language?"The man said, " No, but I'll find someone who can. ". He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same."Well," says Mr. Big, "What did he say?"She says he said, "Fuck You! ".Mr. Big replied, "You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you."The girl asks him again, "Where is the money " and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time? ", asked Mr. Big.He said " Fuck You, again ". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!".She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. " Well ", asked Mr. Big," What did he say this time? ".She replied " He said Fuck You! ".
Miscellaneous

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age,Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No. "] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?13. Can I flirt with you?14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?18. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?27. So. . . How am I doin'?28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
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What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?The nun has a soul full of hope.What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?The circus is an array of cunning stunts.Holly Happidays
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RELATIONSHIPS:First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Sex:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Magazines:Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Handwriting:To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Comedy:Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.Bathrooms:A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Shoes:When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Leg Warmers:Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Going Out:When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Offspring:Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Low Blows:Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.David Letterman:Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Laundry:Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".Socks:Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.Eating out:. . . and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Mirrors:Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Menopause:When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.The Telephone:Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephoneto send short messages to other people. A woman can visit hergirlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Directions:If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Richard Gere:Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only married women.Madonna:Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Toys:Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Cameras:Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always send up taking better pictures.Garages:Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.Jewelry:Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
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Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First RecipientsBefore an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable."For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say `Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels."My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one `E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
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I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure.I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah."Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the Proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully."No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
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Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.""No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.""I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.""It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.""Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?"Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much.""When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour.""All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.""They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.""Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime.""Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree.""Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.""I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER"Sensitivity don't hurt.""One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.""Shake your hips and hope for the best.""Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there.""Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.""One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.""Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food.""Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.""See if the man has lipstick on his face.""It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU""The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.""Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.""You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.""It might help to watch soap operas all day."WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?"When they're rich.""It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.""If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission.""I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.""Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love.""Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.""Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
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Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name. The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.Happy New Year.Love,Mom
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.- David BissonetteA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.- Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.- Zsa Zsa GaborWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.- Sacha GuitryMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.- MontaigneAfter marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.-- Hemant JoshiA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana TurnerMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.- Mae West"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury."- George BurnsUnknown Author QuotesMarriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
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How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and ChipsTen Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
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December 14thDearest John:I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.With dearest love and affection, Agnes--------------------------------------December 15thDearest John:Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.All my love, Agnes--------------------------------------December 16thDear John:Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.Love Agnes---------------------------------------December 17thToday the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.Affectionately, Agnes----------------------------------------December 18thDearest John:What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes-----------------------------------------December 19thDear John:When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!Cordially, Agnes------------------------------------------December 20thJohn:What's with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fricking birds!Sincerely, Agnes-------------------------------------------December 21stOK Buster:I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.Ag----------------------------------------------December 22ndHey Buttface:What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And geeeez - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.From Ag----------------------------------------------You Rotten Prick:Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.One who means it, Ag----------------------------------------------December 24thListen Asshole:What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister----------------------------------------------December 25th(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)Dear Sir:This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED- We are still pissing in the wind.2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION- We know who to blame.4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED- The only person who understood the thing quit.9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION- I can't wait to hear this bull!14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS- Come into my office, I'm lonely.15. ALL NEW- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.16. RUGGED- Too damn heavy to lift!17. LIGHTWEIGHT- Lighter than RUGGED.18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT- One finally worked.19. ENERGY SAVING- Achieved when the power switch is off.20. LOW MAINTENANCE- Impossible to fix if broken.
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The Court of King George IIILondon, EnglandJuly 10, 1776Mr. Thomas Jeffersonc/o The Continental CongressPhiladelphia, PennsylvaniaDear Mr. Jefferson:We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:1.In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.2.In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.3.You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.4."Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.5.You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?6.Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.7.Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.9.You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10.What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.11.Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be requiredSincerely,Management Analyst to the British Crown
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ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:You'll be making under $7 an hour.ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.IMMEDIATE OPENING:The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend.FLEXIBLE HOURS:Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAILWe have no quality control.COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).APPLY IN PERSON:If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:You whine, you're fired.I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:I've used Microsoft Office.I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"I pilfer office supplies.MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes.I'M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer.MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:You're probably looking for someone more experienced.I AM ADAPTABLE:I've changed jobs a lot.I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:I'm a college drop-out.THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:Wait! Don't throw me away!I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
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Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
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Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed AbbeyIn everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed AbbeyGirls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward AbbeyWomen who love only women may have a good point. - Edward AbbeyWomen: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward AbbeyThe feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward AbbeyHer figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody AllenWoman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose BierceWoman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - DumasWomen! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?" - FreudWomen are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. - Ellen GlasglowNature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. JohnsonBeing a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran LebowitzIt's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. - Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond ChandlerOnly one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho MarxMen always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack NicholsonThere are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'RourkeDid you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of them. - Dorothy ParkerWomen: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo PhillipsA woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon PledgeFeminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat RobertsonIf someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. - Mort SahlWomen's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - comic Jerry Seinfeld, in EsquireI think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere - James ThurberFeminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. - Earl WilsonA lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
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My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.What were you thinking of? "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why. You're grounded. Just do it, or else.Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!(at dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinnerONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll understand.Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer. "Hey" is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and don't come out until I say so. I'm very disappointed in you.I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks. Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)Sit up straight.I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course you're going to church. You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes! I don't know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) I'll tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say You're sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you. What's for dinner? - It's a surprise! Why didn't you go before we got in the car? I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one! No, and that's final! One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? What's the magic word? Say "excuse me".Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)Half begun is half done. Don't lie to me young man/lady!Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen!(Moral: don't ask!)That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purple's not your color, you look sallow.Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM?" Is having a good time all you think about? You're no child of mine!!! Well...What seems to be the problem with you? I'm really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and you'll go blind! "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!" Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed! You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd *never* thought of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)It's always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! "Go tell your father he wants you now."[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....] "Okay, only wash one of them"[In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."There'll be tears before bedtime! You'll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will. How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. [as I break into a Cure tune...] If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you." [variation: "Because I'm the Dad/Mom."] Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. In my day we didn't have money to throw around.We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.Does it look like I'm made of money? Money doesn't grow on trees you know.You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over it, it's hanging out so far.If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.That's not music; that's just NOISE! "Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."Because you are taller than me. I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!
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It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?""Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
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Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!Hope all your Tries are not converted.Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..
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Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
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From David LettermanTop Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.
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This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests."Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said.The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?""No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"
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There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required."Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came."Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call."So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!""Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out."So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!""That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance."Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!""But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?""Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Remember when........A computer was something on TV froma science fiction show of notea window was something you hated to cleanand ram was the cousin of a goatMeg was the name of my girlfriendand gig was a job for the nightsnow they all mean different thingsand that really mega bytesAn application was for employmenta program was a TV showa cursor used profanitya keyboard was a pianoMemory was something that you lost with agea CD was a bank accountand if you had a 3 1/2" floppyyou hoped nobody found outCompress was something you did to the garbagenot something you did to a fileand if you unzipped anything in publicyou'd be in jail for a whileLog on was adding wood to the firehard drive was a long trip on the roada mouse pad was where a mouse livedand a backup happened to your commodeCut you did with a pocket knifepaste you did with gluea web was a spider's homeand a virus was the fluI guess I'll stick to my pad and paperand the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashbut when it happens they wish they were dead.
Miscellaneous

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.All my love,P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."--------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.-----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?---------------------------------------------------------------------Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.---------------------------------------------------------------------Pregnancy:It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh mygod. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."---------------------------------------------------------------------Grandma:My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.---------------------------------------------------------------------Reverse Life Cycle:The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life istough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.------------------------------------------------------Prisons:Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house eachprisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.---------------------------------------------Award Shows:Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.-------------------------------------------Phone-in Polls:You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."----------------------------------------------------------Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone'sanswering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
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Q : What's the difference between Malaysia & the US?A : US's got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysia's got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?" "I am actually47." That made her feel really good.While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"
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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -BruceDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -DannyDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -SamDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -NanDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
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Clarification Of Corporate LingoEmployer's Lingo:"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings."MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend."DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control."CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way)."APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.Employee's Lingo:"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office."I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies."MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had."I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes."I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers."I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer."I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot."I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk."I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
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A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"
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Noah's Ark...If it happened in 2000And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints."Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?""Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.""Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.""The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.""They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire.""The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully."No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
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Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
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Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."(Judy, 8)"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."(Tom, 5)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, 10)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."(Kally, 9)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"(Lynette, 9)"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."(Kenny, 7)CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."(Jan, 9)"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."(Harlen, 8)ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."(Leo, 7)ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."(Jeanne, 8)"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."(Gary, 7)"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."(Dave, 8)CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television."(Anita,6)"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."(Bart, 9)HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."(John, 9)"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."(Dave 8)"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire." (Christine, 9)WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."(Michelle, 9)HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."(Doug, 7)"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."(Jean, 10)HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."(Randy, 8)
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Rejected Hallmark Cards:So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?
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One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary", and Bill Clinton replies... "Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"
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Forest Gump Goes to Heaven...The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first name?"Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.""How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?""Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!" "Twelve!" "Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it." "And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind." "I'll give you credit for that one too.""Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name." "Everbody probly knows it." "It's Howard.""Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"Forest answers, "It's in the prayer.""The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?""The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Howard be thy name...."
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A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.
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Atlanta School BoardThe Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."FAR -- noun. A conflagration.Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back towork (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle orcombat.ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."FARN -- adjective. Not local.Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farncountry."DID -- adjective. Not alive.Usage: "He's did, Jim."EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"HAZE -- a contraction.Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." SEED -- verb, past tense.VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
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