A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"
Sex Jokes

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner.He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.
Computers

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on yourold, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with aminimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.'But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'Godwill provide the RAM, my son'.
Computers

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Ethnic

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, itwas announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah willmerge.An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.While details were not available at press time, it is believed that theoverhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milkingbeing the hardest hit.As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," themessage on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Clausand his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least threehundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. Abreakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain thecompetitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading allpresent in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
Ethnic

There are three religious truths:1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
Religion

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was callingfrom Salt Lake City."
Religion

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his brideif he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she willnever open. The bride agrees.After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer hasbeen left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for anexplanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,I put a golf ball in the drawer."She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,I sold 'em!"
Relationships

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.Father: When was the last time you made a confession?Man: I never have, I am Jewish.Father: Then why are telling me all this?Man: I am telling everybody ...
Relationships

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with anunusual offer."Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When youget to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciateit if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100bill and walked away satisfied.It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved tothat part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comestime for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you willnot ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She mademe a much better offer."
Relationships

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: 1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.4. It is void where prohibited by law, and5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty islimited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at thesole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer:The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse theuse of the color blue.
Miscellaneous

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
Religion

There are three truths in life:1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
Religion

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late oneafternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for thehorse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog'sfate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy willbe burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening theIndian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish,within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the thefollowing morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his lastrequest is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is broughtby the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion andwhispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runsthrough the Indian village and over the hill. This does notparticularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know whatto do with the dog anyway.At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied bysome two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say thebraves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboythat his stake burning was being postponed as they were all tootired from partying.The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude forfurnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you anotherrequest before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Againthe cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog isbrought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companionand whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, soplease get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"
Situations

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble inthe countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room fortwo to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.""No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for fortyyears. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With thathe departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There isa pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes latethe same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?"the farmer asked.The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, butthere is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. Ican't sleep on holy ground!"Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled andcomplained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was anotherknock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened thedoor, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Legal

|Merry Christmas in Legal TermsPlease accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Lawyer Jokes

|After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Police Jokes

|Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars.""What does that tell you?"Watson pondered for a minute."Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Police Jokes

|MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Computing Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Patterson, New Jersey:When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fort Worth, Texas:Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries."We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said.February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.
Real Jokes

|What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!What insect runs away from everything?A flee!What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!What to you call a Russian flea?A Moscow-ito!Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?"Why are we running so fast?" said one Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?A space invader!What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?Bugs Bunny!How do you start an insect race?One, two, flea - go!How do you find where a flea has bitten you?Start from scratch!What is a flea's favorite book?The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!
Kids Jokes

An angel wrote:Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.Anger is only one letter short of danger.If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
Miscellaneous

|After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Marriage Jokes

|My other wife is beautiful.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'RourkeNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de BalzacNothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al BundyI had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Marriage Jokes

|1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Christmas Jokes

|Knock KnockWho's there ?WenceslasWenceslas who ? Wenceslas train home ? Knock KnockWho's there ?SnowSnow who ? Snow business like show business ! Knock KnockWho's there ?WayneWayne who ? Wayne in a manger... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?DonutDonut who ? Donut open till Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?OakhamOakham who ? Oakham all ye faithfull... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?AveryAvery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?HollyHolly who ? Holly-days are here again ! Knock KnockWho's there ?RudolphRudolph who ? Money is the Rudolph of all evil ! Knock KnockWho's there ?IglooIgloo who ? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?MaryMary who ? Mary Christmas !
Christmas Jokes

|Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
Irish Jokes

|The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."
Irish Jokes

A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt." His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean." A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt." The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you," says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light." "Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see." "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
Miscellaneous

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Miscellaneous

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Miscellaneous

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you." "When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained. The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife. "I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?" "Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
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It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned. Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
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Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man's spiritual needs were being fulfilled.The team made it's way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.Cautiously, they walked inside.Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, "Oh yes!" the Psychologist spoke. "This very clearly explains this man's desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.""Nonsense!" exclaimed the Engineer. "This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius."The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. "I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created."At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke."Simple...had to fix stove pipe...plenty of wire...not enough stove pipe!"
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Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.(Source: Outside Magazine)Grand Canyon National Park...Was this man-made?Do you light it up at night?I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?So where are the faces of the presidents?Everglades National Park...Are the alligators real?Are the baby alligators for sale?Where are all the rides?What time does the two o'clock bus leave?Denali National Park (Alaska)...What time do you feed the bears?Can you show me where the yeti lives?How often do you mow the tundra?How much does Mount McKinley weigh?Mesa Verde National Park...Did people build this, or did Indians?Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?Carlsbad Caverns National Park...How much of the cave is underground?So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?Does it ever rain in here?How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?Yosemite National Park...Where are the cages for the animals?What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?Yellowstone National Park...Does Old Faithful erupt at night?How do you turn it on?When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
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An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner."Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box""And what about the thousand pound?" asked the old man."Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"
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An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, "Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times.""Three times!? how did it happen?" he asks."Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?""Yes, that was really a terrible time.""Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"It is hard to believe," he said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."She continued, "And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?""Of course I remember.""Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?""Yes," he said, "that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.But tell me, what was the third time?"She responded, "Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?"
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A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?""Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.""What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi."And what did he say?"He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
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A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?""Why, yes, I do. How did you know?""Hickory dickory dock"!
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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."They hugged and made their peace.A little while later, Hillary asked Bill -"So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"
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A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage."This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate."He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful."That's fantastic," said the customer."And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem."Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World."Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"
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The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes."Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?"The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said "I really get two more wishes?""Yes", the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires.""Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted."Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man."The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured... "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"
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A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself."You're the first man I've seen after months at sea," she coos. "I'll do anything you want."Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered."Great," he says. "Will you walk my dog for me?"
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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious."I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory.""One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him.""One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "
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Dear Sister,This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females. Unlike other chain letters,this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to 5 of your friends who are equally tired and discontented,then bundle up your husband/boyfriend.Send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.Do not break the chain.One woman broke the chain and got her own bastard back.At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men.They buried her yesterday,but it took 3 undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and 3 days to get her legs together to close the coffin.Have faith!Liberated woman...
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After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?""Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?""Well, er, yes --- but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed."Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?""Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time.""And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time.""OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"
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A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
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God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.1. How did you find out about God?__ Newspaper __ Other Book__ Television __ Divine Inspiration__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience__ Bible __ Other__ Torah (specify): _____________2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.__ Tarot __ Lottery__ Horoscope __ Television__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers__ Self-help books __ Sex__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs__ Mantras __ Other: ________________________________________ Insurance policies __ None3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?a. More Divine Interventionb. Less Divine Interventionc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just rightd. Don't know4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 55. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).
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VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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Alimony:1) A contraction of the term "all-his-money".2) A splitting headache.3) It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.4) Paying for something you don't get.5) That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.6) The high cost of leaving.7) The last laugh.8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.10) A woman's cash surrender value.11) The billing minus the cooing.Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
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The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful. "Was it my friend Steve?" he yelled. "No," she said. "Was it my friend James?" he then asked. "What?" she shouted. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"
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A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, "When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you.""Faith, I thought as much," said the cunning lady, "but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!"
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
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A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha GuitryWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha GuitryAn ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha GuitryThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine HepburnSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine HepburnBigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver HerfordWedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John HeywoodLove is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. HirschfieldLove is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa HoffmanIt is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean KerrI don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam KinisonA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin KitmanMarriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. KnowlesHarpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fianceeI have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich LittleMarriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John LylyFor the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - LysterThe best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaineIn a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman MankiewiczI belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
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Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos."Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him."Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?""This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise."All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door."The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?""Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.""Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, ok."So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over."Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer."Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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If Dear Abby Was A Man...Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace."Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.""You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.""Is there anything which your holiness desires?""Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!""I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?""Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Dear Santa: We're worried about you.From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill.Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion -- all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern.A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotionsl hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho" -- is one of the best stress-busters.SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, santa@cyberspace.com.We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMI A: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A Weather Service satelilite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, don't you?SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas.But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you?
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Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of2.5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL10. <----------------The information went data way-----------11. Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!16. Access deniedInah nah na nah nah!17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.23. E Pluribus Modem24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...40. All computers wait at the same speed.41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.42. Press -- to continue...43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!46. E-mail returned to senderIinsufficient voltage.47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 198151. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...55. Go ahead, make my data
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A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis...He agrees, and does so.When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him... The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?"And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says..."Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
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Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"
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1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of2.5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN10. -{----- The information went data way --------[11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!17. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.23. E Pluribus Modem24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .36. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...40. All computers wait at the same speed.41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.42. Go ahead, make my data!43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 198151. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
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