A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
Blonde Jokes

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Clean Jokes

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie."Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.""It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.""It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Computer Jokes

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Computer Jokes

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dirty Jokes

He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light. He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap. There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally. His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood. The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains. If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM! He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister. A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me?" And he said, "I don't know, what time do you get up?" Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women. He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't know what to feed them. He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers. He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese! He won't let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis. The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was. When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwich?" he said "Let's see the sandwich."
Funny Jokes

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad orangry, we meant the other way.4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Men Jokes

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Men Jokes

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss
Political Jokes

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks."Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."
Sex Jokes

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating.""What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?""I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they'refinally fertile.""What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'mpregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked."I switched cocks," he replied."What a coincidence," she said.
Sex Jokes

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"
Women Jokes

George: Sam u wanna hear a jokeSam: sureGeorge: Womens Rights
Women Jokes

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow."I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,000?""Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow."I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone."Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"
Women Jokes

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Women Jokes

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
Women Jokes

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."The second woman said, "I blew chunks."The third woman said, "I burned down my house." After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
Women Jokes

10) Cats' facial expressions.9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.7) ?Fat? clothes.6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3) Eyelash curlers.2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.1) Other women.
Women Jokes

Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
Women Jokes

Why did the women cross the road?Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!
Women Jokes

10 things men know about women:-------------------------------1:2:3:4:5:6:7:8:9:10: They have tits
Women Jokes

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish." Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Women Jokes

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of theirherd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,"I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!"
Animal World

Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?Because they can.
Animal World

I've never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep. In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Animal World

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."
At Work

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster thanit does today ??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...
At Work

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can justgo to work.
At Work

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!
At Work

Long, but really funny...from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
At Work

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen." The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."
Blonds

Schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J. Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The POPE has one but doesn't use it,Clinton uses his all the time,Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,George Burns' was hot,Liberace NEVER used his on women,Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,We never saw Lucy use Desi'swhat is it?A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?
Celebrities

Q: What's stiff and excites women?A: Elvis Presley.
Celebrities

A small boy was lost, so he went up to apoliceman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The cop said, "What's he like?"The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
Children

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to findout whether computer is male or female: one group was male,and the other group was female.The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Computers

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:* 0.5 Miss Worlds,* 2.5 supermodels,* 463 wild nymphos,* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face.On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter).While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me hasalready received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering fromexhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. Noexpensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that onlyinterest women) just so that you can bonk her.No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises likemarriage or engagement.Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they canprepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
Computers

Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a Brit and an belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled "Women and children first". The American said "Screw the women and children" and the Belgian answered "Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?"
Ethnic

Why can't black women become nuns?They can't say superior after mother.
Ethnic

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other."No they're this dirty."
Ethnic

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.His mate asked him what it was like."Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you homeand fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, theylet you fuck their women whenever you want.""Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australianswere real pricks.""Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"
Ethnic

A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problemof one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and Icould not help interrupting. "Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor ofJewish girls marrying Gentile boys." "Why?" chorused the women. And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the badluck?"
Ethnic

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.
Ethnic

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
Ethnic

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians whointroduced it to women."
Ethnic

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free timeand keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozenlesson & music books.Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me lookat you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Relationships

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed. Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."
Relationships

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.
Relationships

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professionalman who will just love them for who they are.What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them onlybecause no other woman wants him.What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela LeeAnderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome offa flag pole.What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extralbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kissand gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experiencetogether.What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzWhat men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor theirparents.What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents everyfault and make their life a living hell.1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....Ihope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heartand soul, I am forever yours."5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summonedto divorce proceedings..."
Relationships

Why do women have smaller feet than men?So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Relationships

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, "she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.
Situations

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
Sex

My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got tothe University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'dbeen at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believewhen, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was evenmore amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have aclue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my....-- She stopped."Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just likeCHOCOLATE!"Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet."It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed bymops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immersemyself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavorrubbed off. It didn't.I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they seemed to ask themselves.When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole newyear of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen.And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to haveconversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me WillyWonka.Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ thatjust happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point."Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallusonly serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field..."No!" she said.She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"I stopped."Why not?", I asked."I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.Not...""I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to do it to me, ever.""You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if shewanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face andrested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. Sheresisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --I lifted my head up."Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
Sex

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The cop asked, "What's he like?"The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
Men

An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"
Elderly

|Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"The first says, "That?s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
Lawyer Jokes

|Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Sport Jokes

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks herhusband,"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible towomen you are?"The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the partytonight?"
Relationships

A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
Relationships

The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor wasteaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, itwouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with yourpartner!"The room really got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes," replied the teacher."Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"Sent by Katie-Anne
Relationships

Two men are having an awfully slow round ofgolf because the two ladies in front of themmanaged to get into every sand trap, lake, andrough on the course, and they didn't bother towave the men on through, which is proper golfetiquette.After two hours of waiting and waiting, one mansaid, "I think I'll walk up there and ask thosegals to let us play through." He walked out tothe fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining, "I can'tdo it. One of those women is my wife and the otheris my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfwaythere and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"
Relationships

Do you know why single women can't fart? Because, they don't get assholes untill they get married.
Relationships

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick?.as I beat my wife!
Relationships

Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet,sensitive men in this world?Because they already have boyfriends!
Relationships

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance thanto improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Relationships

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
Relationships

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, whoare the men fooling around with?
Relationships

What is the difference between men and women?A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Relationships

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in loveand going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm goingto bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'mgoing to marry."The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful womeninto the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat fora while.He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle.""That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?""I don't like her."
Relationships

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Relationships

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing --------------------------------- It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. (4) The man places the meat on the grill. (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Relationships

Men are from earth.Women are from earth.Deal with it.
Relationships

Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilettraining, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be thelast time in your life that you will have all of the answers.3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep,get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put thealarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanutbutter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish fingerbehind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers inthe flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains withcrayons. How does that look?5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy anoctopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the stringbag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - allmorning.6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotchtape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take amilk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffsand make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, youhave just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leaveit out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't looklike that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glovecompartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassetteplayer. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them downthe back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.There!, Perfect!8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Goout the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walkvery slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutelyevery cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and deadinsect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had asmuch as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to trytaking a small child for a walk.9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing youcan find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. Ifyou intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buyyour week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Payfor everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easilyaccomplish this do not even contemplate having children.11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it fromthe ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggyFroot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon bypretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loopsare gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of itfalls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, SesameStreet and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourselfsinging "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualifyas a parent.
Miscellaneous

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?""No," he replied, "I've never done either.""Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor."No, I've never done any of those things either.""Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Miscellaneous

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Miscellaneous

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough. copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
Miscellaneous

WE DON'T SERVE WOMEN HERE!(you have to bring your own)
Miscellaneous

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women whoin a short time were fighting over his attentions.They held a meeting to resolve the problem anddecided that each would have his services on adifferent day of the week, with Sundays off for him. In due time the guy was dragging himself through theweek, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floatingon the sea which as it got closer turned out to be aman on a raft. With his last ounce of strength heswam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupantCPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, amI ever glad to see you! "Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"said the raft rider in a swishy way.With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn,there goes my Sundays!"
Miscellaneous

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Religion

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a headcovering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrivedwithout her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied toher head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you toenter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs."Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
Religion

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties,and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, andwasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. TheKing finally decided to take matters into his own hand.He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom,"who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at thecastle at noon, the following Sunday."Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decidedto have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat,and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow,and wasn't even tired.The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the onlyone worthy enough to marry my daughter."And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"
Situations

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from theRussians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians builtus a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drinkvodka and play Russian roulette."The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." Thediplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If youwant to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play."I'll show you how."He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nudewomen were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to giveyou oral sex," he told the American."That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much likeRussian roulette.""Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
Situations

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, severalbystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach thevictim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' hebarked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a fewminutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But whenyou get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'
Situations

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made aliving. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried backhome. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed theolder man a $50 bill.The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you knowI've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend iton whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.""Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?""Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.
Situations

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?A. Slow down and use a lubricant.Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?A. Money.Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?A. After five years your job will still suck.Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?A. It's not hard.Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Sex

Playgirl Rejection LetterNovember 30, 1995PLAYGIRL, INC.Dear Mrs. Smith, We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid pictureof your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue asthe Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,and as a life-time memento on his birthday. We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, asit is our routine procedure, with the following results: When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rateda -2. To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photographto another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn'tget them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him. The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!" The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhapsthey could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!" We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however, invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Pleasebe advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in John's case.Yours truly,Jane BrownPlaygirl, Inc.
Sex

Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea."I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten'because his dongis ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?"She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.' ""Why? Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know."Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"
Sex

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
Sex

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
Sex

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said,"Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
Sex

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one. Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie replied "No,I need it for my arms the women never showed up!"
Sex

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
Sex

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."
Sex

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified."You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Sex

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?It comes with a 16 inch applicator
Sex

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?Crib death.
Sex

Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at thelocal bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." Hisfriend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loosewomen' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the firstman. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."at thelocal bar. One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." Hisfriend replied, "Yep. Even tried me out one of those 'loosewomen' ya always hear about." "You don't say." said the firstman. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked. "Kinfolk."
Sex

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner onenight. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". Thefirst knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down hispants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriatemusic.Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pantsand tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band playedappropriate music.After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out."I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon dothrose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."
Sex

Three guys are discussing women."I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."He asks the third guy "What about you?"."Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Sex

What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? Her legs.
Sex

There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussinghow much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me". The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me". The third lady slid down the bar stool.
Sex

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics? A: Because men keep telling them that this|<---------------------->| is 12 inches.
Sex

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turnout to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at hisapartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on theother. He realizes that the first one might get boredwatching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd loveto play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy'sapartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stopup and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
Sex

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. "Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
Sex

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"
Sex

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
Sex

Why are women like snow flakes?? They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face......
Sex

Why do women fake orgasms?Because men fake foreplay.
Sex

How does a women hold her liquor?By the ears.
Sex

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.""Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
Sex

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Medicine

Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Women

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below: 1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ? 1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA. 2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts. 3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days". 2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is: 1. All you'll ever need. 2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol. 3. The signal to open Fire. 3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was: 1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence. 2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women. 3. A training film. 4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer. 1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use. 2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all. 3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser. 5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to: 1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you. 2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ? 3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60. 6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply: 1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force! 2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs ! 3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that! 7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE] 1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing. 2. What's a bra ? 3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling. 8. Define "male." 1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence." 2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere. 3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower. 9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong? 1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that. 2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure. 3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique. 10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire? 1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche. 2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place. 3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings? Grading the Exam * If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it. * If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ? * If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".
Women

why do women have legs?have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
Women

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!! BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Women

Did you hear about Tempura House?It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
Women

Why do women get PMS?THEY JUST FUCKING DO ALRIGHT!?
Women

3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatalcheck-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..."What was that?", the other two ask, curiously."Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, pattingher stomach affectionately.Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes abottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.."What was that?", the other two enquire"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" andshe pats her stomach affectionately.All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes abottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.."What was that?" ask the other two.."Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."
Women

Q. Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men ratherthan women? A. Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, menare already there.
Women

Why did god invent alcohol? - So fat women can get laid too.
Women

The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob Sleep
Women

The seven kinds of passionate women 1.The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!" 2.The Pessimist - "No! No! No!" 3.The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!" 4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping 5.The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!" 6.The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! 7.The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!
Women

What's the difference between women and men? One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
Women

How are women like elevators? Only about half go down.
Women

Why don't women wear dresses in the winter? - Chapped lips.
Women

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Women

Q: Why do women have arms?A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Women

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra forover-endowed women.It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Women

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:1. Bleed for a week and not die.2. Give milk without eating grass3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!
Women

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
Women

An advantage of being with an older womanIf you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
Women

"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John"Yes, I will." Paula replied."Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked."Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you."she answered with a wink."How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John."Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly. "That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!"
Women

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in alight bulb?A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change alight bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYSbefore they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out theywouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact thatthey've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the pastSEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair thatthey dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change theSTUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! ANDUNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPERTHE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUTTHE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALLSUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THEHOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Women

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.After a while the conversation started turning a littlerude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder andthey were arguing about how wide their snatches were.(This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting andhollering, throwing money. Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted herleg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women very casually got up on the barand asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and thejukebox starts playing.
Women

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Women

What's the difference between men and women?Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!
Women

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
Women

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep itforever."
Women

What's the difference between women and men?One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
Women

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.
Men

What kind of clothes are there?women: clean & dirtyMen: Clean,almost clean,sorta clean,not bad,dirty,really dirty,nasty ,biohazzard.(Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification ofthese clothes).
Men

Have you heard the one about the . . . . . . . recent survey on cigarettes which found that 90% of the men that tried Camels still prefer women.
Men

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers."It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied."I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?""No sir, our mother.""Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!""I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Men

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
Men

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.""Yeah what happened?" asked the other.The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
Men

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Men

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guyssaid "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use themI'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?""Yeah" said the guy."Where is he?" asked the trader."I shot him" said the guy."Why?""I caught him in bed with my board."
Men

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no womenaround to hear him, is he still wrong?
Men

Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?A. No phone numbers.
Men

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
Men

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
Elderly

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions."Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?""Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."
Elderly

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
Elderly

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"
Politics

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."
Politics

At a government affair, the wives of four worldleaders are chatting about how people refer to apenis in their countries.The wife of Tony Blair says in England peoplecall it a gentleman, because it stands up whenwomen are entering.The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you callit a patriot, because you never know if it willhit you on the front or on the back side.The wife of Chirac says in France you call it acurtain, because it goes down after the act.With great resignation, the wife of Clinton saysin the USA you call it a rumor, because itgoes from mouth to mouth...Sent by Igor
Politics

The Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported that Yugoslavianair defenses had shot down a NATO F-16 just after nightfallwhile the jet was on a bombing run. The plane crashed intoan empty field, creating a huge crater. Serbian search andrescue workers have recovered 307 bodies so far, provingthat NATO is using Albanian men, women and children terroriststo wage their war of terror from the sky.
Politics

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.There were:- No Taxes- No Debt- Plenty buffalo- Plenty beaver- Medicine man free- Women did all the work- Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
Politics

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
Legal

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer:In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" Sheresponded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice isone of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated onhis wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, Iknow him." The defense attorney almost died.The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a veryquiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
Legal

A Modest Essay 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.
School

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.""We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.""Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.""And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed."No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Travel

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.They were discussing the fact that if they gofor a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,but if they take the cigarettes with them, theywill get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girlwalking out of the ocean. She reaches into the topof her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly drycigarette and book of matches and lights up. Theladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keepyour cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them insideof a condom." The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for acondom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one ofthe ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."
Travel

DOUBLE VODKA A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
Science

|A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Bar Jokes

|Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

|Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Doctor Jokes

|An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building."Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them.""Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?""Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
Business Jokes

|The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Military Jokes

|The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Military Jokes

|The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's MassacreVariety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"Pravda: "Big Red Victory."Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"
Military Jokes

|A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Farming Jokes

|A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.""What's the problem?" the docotor inquired."Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.""My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor."It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.""So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Doctor Jokes

|A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Police Jokes

|Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?"Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Police Jokes

|Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?""Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error."But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks."Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
Police Jokes

|A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
Police Jokes

|About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.
Food Jokes

|Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons."So, how is everything going?" God asked.Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"That was the demo," replied God.
Computing Jokes

|1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Computing Jokes

|Did you know that "verb" is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? What is another word for "thesaurus"? Where do swear words come from? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word "irregardless"? Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?" Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"? Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Ethnical Jokes

|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.35% give to charity at least once a month.How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder.69% eat the cake before the frosting.When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.85% of us will eat Spam this year.70% of us drink orange juice daily.Snickers is the most popular candy.22% of us skip lunch daily.9% of us skip breakfast daily.66% of us eat cereal regularly.22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.45% use mouthwash every day.22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.The typical shower is 101 degrees F.Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.58% of women paint their nails regularly.33% of women lie about their weight.10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.57% have had deja vu.49% believe in ESP.44% have broken a bone.Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.14% have attended a self-help meeting.15% regularly go to a shrink.78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.29% of us ignore RSVP.71.6% of us eavesdrop.22% are functionally illiterate.Less than 10% are trilingual.37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.56% of women do the bills in a marriage.2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch.53% read their horoscopes regularly.16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).59% of us say we're average-looking.Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.2 out of 5 have married their first love.The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.6% propose over the phone.71% can drive a stick-shift car.45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.12% of men never use their car blinkers.44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.25% of us drive after we've been drinking.4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Ethnical Jokes

|THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Mixed Jokes

|WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI m sorry. = You ll be sorry.We need... = I wantIt s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don t want you to.I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron! You re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you re really not going to like.I ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It s just that you re such an idiot!
Mixed Jokes

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say..."IT'S A GUY THING"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated:* "I have no idea how it works.""TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated:* "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Translated:* "What did you catch me at?""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Mixed Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Bangkok, ThailandA member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses."We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 16, 1993Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit in August against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men.The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.
Real Jokes

|SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered: General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic") GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half") HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?") Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too") IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
Gender Jokes

|WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.We need... = I wantIt?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What?s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!
Gender Jokes

|"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds40-ish means: 48Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever willAffectionate means: PossessiveArtist means: UnreliableAverage looking means: You figure this one outBeautiful means: Pathological liarCommitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewiseContagious Smile means: Bring your penicillinEducated means: College dropoutEmotionally Secure means: MedicatedEmployed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at homeEnjoys art and opera means: SnobEnjoys Nature means: Bring your own granolaExotic Beauty means: Would frighten a MartianFinancially Secure means: One paycheck from the streetFree spirit means: Substance abuserFriendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slutFun means: AnnoyingGentle means: ComatoseGood Listener means: Hard to pull a word from herHumorous means: CausticIntuitive means: Your opinion doesn't countIn Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the billsLight drinker means: LushLooks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad lightLoves Travel means: If you're payingLoves Animals means: Cat ladyNon-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basementOpen-minded means: DesperateOutgoing means: LoudPassionate means: LoudPoet means: Depressive SchizophrenicRedhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisleReliable means: FrumpyReubenesque means: You can figure this one outRomantic means: Looks better by candle lightSelf-employed means: JoblessSmart means: InsipidSpecial means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windowsSpiritual means: Involved with a cultStable means: BoringTall, thin means: AnorexicTan means: WrinkledWants Soulmate means: One step away from stalkingWidow Nagged means: first husband to deathWriter means: PompousYoung at heart means: How about the rest
Gender Jokes

|WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Gender Jokes

|Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. "Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Gender Jokes

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say..."IT'S A GUY THING"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated:* "I have no idea how it works.""TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated:* "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Translated:* "What did you catch me at?""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Gender Jokes

|Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Gender Jokes

|New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non-Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way
Gender Jokes

|How to be politically correct with womenShe is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Gender Jokes

|Advice From Men To Women...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....Please don't drive when you're not driving....Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
Gender Jokes

|Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven! I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1) No mind.2) No business. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Gender Jokes

|The story of someone getting a haircut.Women's version:Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version:Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.
Gender Jokes

|What is the thinnest book in the world?What men know about women!
Gender Jokes

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere.Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.Allegro: Leg fertilizer.Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.Clausula: Mrs. Santa.Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.Countertenor: A singing waiter.Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.Da capo al fine: I like your hat!Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.Estampie: What they put on letters in QuebecFermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.Fine: That was great!Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.Harmonic Minor: A good music student.Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle AgesIsorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other halfLai: What monks give up when they take their vows.Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhornsLonga: The time between visits with Vire.Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.etronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.Neums: Renaissance midgetsOpus: A penguin in Kansas.Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.Quaver: Beginning viol class.Rackett: Capped reeds class.Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.Sancta: Clausula's husband.Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.Supertonic: Schweppes.Tempo: This is where a headache begins.Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Trope: A malevolent Neum.Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals
Instrument Jokes

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.Nice legs....what time do they open?Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
Miscellaneous

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!
Miscellaneous

Connorsvill,Wisconsin:It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.Willowdale, Oregon:It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.Oblong, Illinois:It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)Alexandria, Minnesota:No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.Ames, Iowa:A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.Bozeman, Montana:Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.Newcastle, Wyoming:An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.Illinois:A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.Norfolk, Virginia:A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."Merryville, Missouri:Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)Helena, Montana:Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.Carlsbad, New Mexico:It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.Florida:State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.Cleveland, Ohio:Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."Tremont, UtahNo woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Miscellaneous

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."
Miscellaneous

Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?A. It chips their teeth.
Miscellaneous

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
Miscellaneous

Girl Lingo:The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
Miscellaneous

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?""Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy."And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"
Miscellaneous

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...She: Get off of me, will ya!! He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?
Miscellaneous

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Miscellaneous

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.
Miscellaneous

Advantages of dating older women...An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.Older women know what Kegel exercises are.An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Miscellaneous

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...The questions are:1.What are you thinking about?2.Do you love me?3.Do I look fat?4.Do you think she is prettier than me?5.What would you do if I died?What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, don't you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldn't you remarry? M: Okay, I'd get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Miscellaneous

Women One Liners1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.12. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Miscellaneous

I'M GLAD I'M A MANI'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
Miscellaneous

The World's Shortest Books25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert21. Human Rights Advances in China20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman19. Al Gore: The Wild Years18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean17. America's Most Popular Lawyers16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors15. Detroit - A Travel Guide14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches12. Easy UNIX11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance10. Everything Men Know About Women9. Everything Women Know About Men8. French Hospitality7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA3. Staple Your Way to Success2. The Amish Phone Directory1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Miscellaneous

10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
Miscellaneous

|Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I'm going to throw-up
Job/Office Jokes

|Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall CatalogueOnce again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag2. You Can Change The Oil Too4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
Marriage Jokes

|As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
Marriage Jokes

|Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.May you never leave your marriage alive.May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. MenckenMy darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Marriage Jokes

|There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce FriedmanA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin KitmanA gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
Marriage Jokes

|Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Elderly Jokes

|There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!
Red Indian Jokes

|Are You Ready for Children?Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.) Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Mom/Dad Jokes

|When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
Mom/Dad Jokes

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.
Christmas Jokes

|RESOLUTION #1: 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2001: I will read 5 books a year. 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year. 2004: I will read at least one article this year. 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.RESOLUTION #2: 1999: I will get my weight down below 180. 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2003: I will work out 5 days a week. 2004: I will work out 3 days a week. 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.RESOLUTION #3: 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999. 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000. 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001. 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.RESOLUTION #4: 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.RESOLUTION #5: 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women.RESOLUTION #6: 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.RESOLUTION #7: 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee. 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.RESOLUTION #8: 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.RESOLUTION #9: 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.RESOLUTION #10: 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
Festival Jokes

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Miscellaneous

Questions: 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I? 5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? Answers: 1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course! Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Miscellaneous

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Miscellaneous

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
Miscellaneous

1. "The cucumber has left the salad." 2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out." 3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now." 4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells." 5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!" 6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary." 8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons." 9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?" 10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."
Miscellaneous

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler." "How so?" "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Miscellaneous

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well. the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?" "What?" I pissed out a bullet. So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago. Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago. Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?" The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet." "No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
Miscellaneous

- Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Miscellaneous

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks." The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this." The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."
Miscellaneous

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man. The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man. The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
Miscellaneous

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some ." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Stud Tires Out Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again British Left Waffles on Falkland islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases." Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run." Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American." Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played." Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!" Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Miscellaneous

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.' Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice' A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest. Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead' A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!' Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you. Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot" "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.
Miscellaneous

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Miscellaneous

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. Mel Gibson I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. David Niven One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. Samuel Butler
Miscellaneous

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. H. L. Mencken Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. George Clooney Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. Dave Letterman Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. P. J. ORourke Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. Robert Louis Stevenson Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan
Miscellaneous

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Madonna All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. Henry Youngman To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' Judy Tenuta Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. Jean Kerr Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. Gwyneth Paltrow
Miscellaneous

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire" 9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell 8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair" 7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room" 6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow" 5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook" 4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula" 3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You" 2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village" 1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian
Miscellaneous

What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Miscellaneous

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Miscellaneous

How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning 3. Both mark their territory 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches 7. Neither does any dishes 8. Both fart shamelessly 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut 10. Both like dominance games 11. Both are suspicious of the postman 12. Neither understands what you see in cats How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog 8. Dogs are easy to buy for 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Miscellaneous

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say... "IT'S A GUY THING" "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?" "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."
Miscellaneous

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. 16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. 17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee. 18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman. 20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
Miscellaneous

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Miscellaneous

Adam was strolling through the , and he asked God, "God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?" So God said, "I will put on earth a woman, " "'What is this ?woman??" asked Adam. "A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God. "Oh holy master, what is the price for this women"' asked Adam. "The price for her is your left arm and your right eye," said God. Then Adam replied, "Ehh... what can I get for a rib?"
Miscellaneous

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat." They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Miscellaneous

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.
Miscellaneous

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. All women are overweight by definition don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble). Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? Men can never catch women checking out other men women will always catch men checking out other women.
Miscellaneous

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Miscellaneous

10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN
Miscellaneous

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
Miscellaneous

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married.. 10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married.. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Miscellaneous

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown
Miscellaneous

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Miscellaneous

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.
Miscellaneous

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?" GOD says, "So you would like them." "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?" GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Miscellaneous

Civil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company , my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head." LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the .... mailman. KINDNESS... Treated kindly, a soldier responds with kindness. Treated kindly, a citizen responds with treason. PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm. COFFIN was called a wooden overcoat. GREY UNIFORM... After the war a former Confederate officer, who violated the city ordinance against wearing a grey uniform in public, was arrested and put in jail. He broke the law because he did not own another suit. A former Union Officer asked for and received permission from the sheriff to share the cell remaining there until public opinion forced the one time Rebel's release with repeal of the law. MANNERS... Don't let your hurry up take over your manners. DRUGS... A lot of drugs will make you any person you want to be but no drug can make you be the person you used to be. NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in shooting a man that is not facing you." OFFICER'S SHOULDER BARS were called pumpkin rinds. NO COUNTERSIGN... When food was scarce many soldiers would steal or pillage nearby farms for anything that could be converted to food or drink. One evening an Officer smelled roast pork, investigating he found a pig roasting over a camp fire and asked who the soldiers were that stole it. A Corporal came to attention and said "sir, I was on picket duty and when I heard a noise and I called out for the pass word. All I heard was oink and that is not the countersign so I shot him. We were just going to bring him to your tent for court martial and have you pass judgment on him. The Officer, suppressing a smile, said " bring only a part of him and I will pass a partial sentence." FREE WHISKEY... A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?" CANNONBALL... A whistling cannon ball can dampen a soldiers courage. COWARD... A Confederate expression used to express a coward, " He developed a case of Yankee Chills." YOUNG SOLDIER... A young soldier never sees danger until it is time to die. SCARED... A soldier in battle stated that he was so scared that if he was a girl , he'd cry. WAXED MUSTACHE... A soldier that had no respect for his commanding officer who wore a waxed mustache, would shout to him " take those mice out of your mouth, I can see their tails hanging out." FOG OF WAR... A term used to describe a sense of confusion that seems to over take a Commander at the commencement of a battle. SLIPPERY BACON... Bacon that is so rotten, it's only use would be to start a fire with. BATHROOM... Although not listed in the rules of war, soldiers on both sides did not shoot at the enemy when he was going to the bathroom. FIRST BATTLE... When a soldier went into a battle for the very first time, it was called " seeing the elephant " and also when two veterans would meet and discuss their first battle they would use the expression " Where did you lose your grin?" The fun for a young soldier was over once he entered his first battle. BUGLE... In the winter, one of the favorite tricks that the soldiers would play on the bugler was to put water in his bugle at night and let it freeze. The next morning the bugler would be unable to blow reveille until he thawed out his bugle. BUTTONS... When an officer was detailed to do many different duties by his Commander he would describe himself as having to many buttons on his coat. ROOSTER... The Confederate Army won many of the battles in the beginning and the middle of the war. One reason was that the Union were the invaders and were attacking fortified positions. The Confederates were entrenched and defending their homeland . They described it best with the expression, " A rooster fights best on his own hill." BAYONET... A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared " May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow." BRAVERY... A brave soldier is a compassionate enemy.
Miscellaneous

Excerpts from Readers's Digest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them. "Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !" Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
Miscellaneous

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.. 9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France..' 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'. 36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'. 42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.' 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.' 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts .. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Miscellaneous

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!
Miscellaneous

You know you're a redneck jedi when.. You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookiees are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Miscellaneous

* You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants. * You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate." * Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore." * The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire. * Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck. * You hunt from your bedroom window. * Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. * You refrigerate your food stamps. * You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill. * You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween. * Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. * You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives. * You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone. * You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum. * You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton! * The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?" * You take a beer to a job interview. * You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater. * When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss. * You go to Goodwill to meet women. * You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
Miscellaneous

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you have succeeded. He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you? He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Miscellaneous

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
Miscellaneous

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Miscellaneous

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Miscellaneous

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Miscellaneous

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. It is considered an offense to shower naked. You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. It is illegal to skateboard without a license. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail. It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline. It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000) Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ? 28-64) Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance - removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense, notice and hearing, lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited. Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ? 20-11) The molestation of trash cans is banned. Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor. Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, ?? 1, 2, 8-10-59) Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ? 8-3 Code 1980, ? 8-3) It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel. Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required, application, transferability, false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ? 1, 10-14-97) Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine. You may not catch crabs. If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00. It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
Miscellaneous

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. Bathhouses are against the law. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Women may not drive in a house coat. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor) Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person. It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String". It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. Cars are the only item allowed in a garage. Toads may not be licked. You may not hunt moths under a street light. It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison. You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. Zoot suits are prohibited. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand. It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. Roosters may not crow in the city limits. Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM. It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it. One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar. Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash. It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear. It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
Miscellaneous

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw" A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot. Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. It is illegal to kill "any living creature". It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday. No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54 Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
Miscellaneous

You may not have more than two dildos in a house. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. Hunting camels is prohibited. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Cars may not be driven in reverse. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. No more than six girls may live in any house. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. Women may not wear pants. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
Miscellaneous

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
Miscellaneous

Dumb Alabama Laws It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. Anniston You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. Jasper It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. Lee County It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. Mobile It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. Montgomery It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
Miscellaneous

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. People of TV never finish their drinks. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. The chief of police is always black. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. All single women have a cat. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?" Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Miscellaneous

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton The Amish Phone Directory Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names French Hospitality Everything Women Know About Men Everything Men Know About Women Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches Different Ways To Spell Bob Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors America's Most Popular Lawyers Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean The Wild Years-By Al Gore Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman Human Rights Advances In China To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres The Engineer's Guide To Fashion My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr
Miscellaneous

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Miscellaneous

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends. 10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman. 12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding. 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly. 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly. 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me. 17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.' 18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either. 19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction. 20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Miscellaneous

by : Scott Corliss 1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan 2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan 3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior 4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare 5. Walden as read by James Watt 6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky 7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman 8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes 9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti 10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy 11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms 12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson 13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian 14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman 15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace 17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew 18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner 19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson 20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton 21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson 22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter 23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern 24. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh 25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett 26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain 27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon 28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah 29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf 30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown 31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson 32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
Miscellaneous

WOMEN'S RIGHTSThe following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued........................... "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, >Keep Scrolling > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
Miscellaneous

1. Coca-cola was originally green.2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.4. Dumbest dog: Afghan5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 28. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,0009. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 412. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/1213. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-3317. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 718. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 10526. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,40027. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/331. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/332. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 733. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/537. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/339. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals43. Only food that does not spoil: honey44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.51. Polar bears are left-handed.52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.53. Eskimos never gamble.54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.61. Hot water is heavier than cold.62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.71. Men get hiccups more often than women.72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
Miscellaneous

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Miscellaneous

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded."But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.""OH, Gross!" They shrieked."Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted."It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results."Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation."Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside."Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us."This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.""What?""You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."We were silent, absorbing this."So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered."Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face."It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more."That's enough," I warned.We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay."I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me."Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.Enough said.
Miscellaneous

The Geography of a Woman------------------------Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.The Geography of a Man------------------------Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Miscellaneous

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -'You'll never find anyone like me again!'I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.""Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.""Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?""My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'""In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?""I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.""A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.""I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.""I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.""Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?""Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.""If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.""The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
Miscellaneous

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miscellaneous

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Miscellaneous

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
Miscellaneous

December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.Happy Holidays to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 3rdTO: ALL EMPLOYEESRegarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.Patty Lewis - Human Researchers DirectorDecember 7thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses DirectorDecember 9thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESPeople, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."Patty Lewis - Human RatracesDecember 10thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESVegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?The Bitch from Hell!December 14thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
Miscellaneous

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.10) The entire British population lives in London.11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
Miscellaneous

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!
Miscellaneous

Thoughts From Women About Being A WomanThe hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.* Helen Hayes (at 73)I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.* Janette BarberThings are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.* Lily TomlinA male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.* Carrie SnowOld age ain't no place for sissies.* Bette DavisIf you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.* Catherine AirdA man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.* Rhonda HansomeThe phrase "working mother" is redundant.* Jane SellmanWhatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.* Charlotte WhittonThirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.* Caryn LeschenWhoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.* Jan KingI try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.* Jennifer UnlimitedWhen I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!* Kathy BuckleyI'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.* Dolly PartonYou see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.* Erica JongIf high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.* Sue GraftonLaugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.* Laurie KuslanskyI think - therefore I'm single.* Lizz WinsteadYou know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.* Geri JewellWhen women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.* Elayne BooslerBehind every successful man is a surprised woman.* Maryon PearsonIn politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman.* Margaret ThatcherI have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.* Gloria SteinemI never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.* Marie CorelliIf men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?* Linda EllerbeeNobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.* Eleanor Roosevelt
Miscellaneous

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's masterb. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blousec. After wrecking your boss' Ferrarid. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying GameUnless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
Miscellaneous

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Miscellaneous

Ancient History Explained...A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.They probably used the donkey to till the fields.The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"
Miscellaneous

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")Lacy things - the wife is missin,Didn't ask - her permission,I'm wearin' her clothes,Her silk pantyhose,Walkin' round in women's underwear.In the store - there's a teddy,Little straps - like spaghetti,It holds me so tight,Like handcuffs at night,Walkin' round in women's underwear.In the office there's a guy named Marvin,He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!""Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"Later on, if you wanna,We can dress - like Madonna,Put on some eyeshade,And join the parade,Walkin' round in women's underwear!
Miscellaneous

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition. "We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay."
Miscellaneous

He Said...She Said:He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.She said...You wear briefs, don't you?He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said...Well, you succeeded.Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'She said...'Who's gonna look?'He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?She said...No, have you?He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Miscellaneous

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A. Ask your mother.Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. Wiped his ass.Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?A. Spitting, swallowing and garglingQ. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?A. You know she'll swallow.Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?A. No one to talk to during orgasm.Q. What do you call a smart blonde?A. A golden retriever.Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?A. The one with the dirty knees.Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A. A battery has a positive side.Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?A. The blonde, because she's 18.Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sexA. "Honey, I'm home!"Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Q. How can you tell a macho women?A. She rolls her own tampons.Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?A: Hair balls.Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?A: Crust.Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Miscellaneous

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. 3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. 4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. 5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut. 11) Jewish dilemma:Free PORK. 12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?" 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!" 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting. 15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Miscellaneous

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.""Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"."Yeah, my wife..."
Miscellaneous

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars."Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells.He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?"
Miscellaneous

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?Because women have four lips and men have two heads!
Miscellaneous

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner."Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box""And what about the thousand pound?" asked the old man."Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"
Miscellaneous

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES12. EASY UNIX11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... 1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton
Miscellaneous

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her: "Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:"There... now you're f**ked!
Miscellaneous

"Old" is when......your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you'rebarefoot....a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garagedoor nearest your car....you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick....going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face....you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don'thave to go along....when it takes longer to rest than to get tired....when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by thepolice...."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today...."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women toevery man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
Miscellaneous

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Miscellaneous

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought."I wish I never had to work again." And poof!...He was back at his desk in the government office!
Miscellaneous

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)From the New England Journal of Medicine:Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.""Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!
Miscellaneous

Q. Why did God give man a penis?A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?A. Its Braille for "suck here."Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?A. Lipstick.Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?A. After 5 years your job will still suck.Q. How is a women like a condom?A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.Q.What's the difference between a '90's woman and a computer?A. A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Miscellaneous

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
Miscellaneous

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works..."We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!
Miscellaneous

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.11. You have enough clothes.12. You have too many shoes.13. Crying is blackmail.14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.23. Check your oil.24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.26. No, it does not matter which quiz.27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.40. If it itches, it will be scratched.41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.46. What the hell is a doily?
Miscellaneous

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:Free Yorkshire Terrior.8 years-old. Hateful little dog.----------------------------------Free Puppies:1/2 Cocker Spaniel1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog----------------------------------Free Puppies:Part German ShepherdPart Stupid Dog----------------------------------German Shepherd - 85lbs.Neutered. Speaks German. Free!----------------------------------1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer----------------------------------Amana Washer $100.Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.----------------------------------Snow blower for sale.Only used on snowy days.----------------------------------2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.----------------------------------Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,Comes with its own1988 Mustang, 5L, AutoExcellent Condition, $6,800.----------------------------------83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000----------------------------------Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15----------------------------------Soft & Genital Bath Tissuesor Facial Tischue - $.89----------------------------------Full-Sized Mattress20 Year WarrantyLike New! Slight urine smell.----------------------------------FREE 1 Can of Pork & BeansWith Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home----------------------------------Nordic Track $300Hardly used. Call Chubbie.----------------------------------Bill's Septic Cleaning"We Haul American Made Products"----------------------------------Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks----------------------------------HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!"If it's in stock, we have it!"----------------------------------Get a Little John:The Traveling UrinalHolds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.----------------------------------Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club----------------------------------Georgia PeachesCalifornia Grown - $.89/lb.----------------------------------Nice ParachuteNever Opened - Used OnceSlightly Stained----------------------------------American Flag60 Stars - Pole Included - $100----------------------------------Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.----------------------------------Exercise EquipmentQueen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175----------------------------------Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.----------------------------------Joining Nudist Colony!Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300----------------------------------Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.----------------------------------Alzheimer's Center Preparesfor an Affair to Remember----------------------------------Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell----------------------------------Open House!Body Shapers Toning SalonFree Coffee & Donuts----------------------------------Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.----------------------------------Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.----------------------------------FOR SALE BY OWNERComplete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.45 volumes - Excellent condition.$1,000.00 or best offer.No longer needed.Got married last weekend.Wife knows everything.
Miscellaneous

1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.14..Real women drink their share at a party.15..Telephones - How to hang up.16..Parking - Beginners Course.17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.23..PMS - Your problem, not his.
Miscellaneous

Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants:New company will be called - Poupon Pants.(my warped sense of humor loves this one!:)Knott's Berry Farms and National Organization of Women:New company will be called - Knott NOW!!!
Miscellaneous

Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
Miscellaneous

*** Pre-Mammogram Exercises! ***Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:MENtal illnessMENstrual crampsMENtal breakdownMENopauseEver notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.
Miscellaneous

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Miscellaneous

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?Are there any unguided missiles?Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?Do hummingbirds hum because they don?t know the words?Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?How come wrong numbers are never busy?How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Miscellaneous

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of0.2 percent.PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. ----------------------------------------The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouseSportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?
Miscellaneous

Things Not To Say During SexGirls shouldn't say:You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------Guys shouldn't say:A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Miscellaneous

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!
Miscellaneous

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organsFairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell HoneychildPolygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner CrackerW.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGoodJohn Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere AbiHoneywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm HomeDenison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
Miscellaneous

"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad""I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead""Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat""Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton""Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt""Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control""If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees""If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher""Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up""If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There""Procrastinate Now""Rehab Is for Quitters"(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man""My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse""The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"
Miscellaneous

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?""Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
Miscellaneous

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
Miscellaneous

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset."You're running around with other women," she told her mate."Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso."What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded."Counting your ribs," said Eve!
Miscellaneous

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow.Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job.Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.Q: What did One gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.Q. What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day.Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope.Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
Miscellaneous

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening.This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar, deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to apologize.But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your President and I know better than to do these things. I have less important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would like to see something go away.I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that, because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any divorce settlement.I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of other wrongdoing that may hurt me.I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the things that we leaked.This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation before they get enough evidence to impeach me.Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That is all I can get away with.Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase, and real terrorist camps to bomb.And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have created for the past seven months by lying to the American People, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no longer lie my way out of this mess.Thank you for watching and good night.
Miscellaneous

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. ~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. ~ Coffee never runs out. ~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. ~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. ~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. ~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. ~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less. ~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents. ~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. ~ You can always heat up coffee. ~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. ~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. ~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !
Miscellaneous

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYAnd the Number one World's Shortest book......1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton
Miscellaneous

You know a man's lying if his lips are moving. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone. Never sleep with a man who's named his willy. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose. Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him. If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing. Sadly, all men are created equal. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
Miscellaneous

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff."If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Miscellaneous

Women's English:Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = NoI'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole. ==========================================================Men's English:"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired" = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
Miscellaneous

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.
Miscellaneous

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutesLife stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Miscellaneous

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water BedNixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold SoreNixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcaseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No differenceNixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G SpotNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Miscellaneous

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!
Miscellaneous

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?""Yeah, my wife!"
Miscellaneous

1) On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.2) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?3) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!4) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?5) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?6) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?7) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?A: Both of them.Q: Why did the man cross the road?A: He heard the chicken was a slut.Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?A: They don't have time.Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?A: They won't stop to ask directions.Q: What do men and sperm have in common?A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?A: He buys two cases of beer.Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?A: The bonds mature.Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?A: So men can remember them.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A: We don't know; it has never happened.Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A: They all already have boyfriends.Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?A: A Widow.Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?A: His hand caught fire.Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A: Put the remote control between his toes.Q: What did God say after creating Adam?A: I must be able to do better than that.Q: What did God say after creating Eve?A: "Practice makes perfect."Q: How are men and parking spots alike?A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?A: They are married.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God says: "So you would love her.""But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"God says: "So she would love you."
Miscellaneous

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Miscellaneous

ARIESYou are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.TAURUSYou are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.GEMINIYou are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.CANCERYou are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.LEOYou consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.VIRGOYou are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.LIBRAYou are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.SCORPIOYou are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.SAGITTARIUSYou are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.CAPRICORNYou are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.AQUARIUSYou have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.PISCESYou have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
Miscellaneous

Halloween Funnies:What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in2000.What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies.What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.
Miscellaneous

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger." male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinkingFLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
Miscellaneous

Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:Men can't pack a bag.Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.Men don't answer their mail.Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!
Miscellaneous

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:1... Combating Stupidity2... You, Too, Can Do Housework3... PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut4... How to Fill an Ice Tray5... We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money6... Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am7... Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")8... Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception9... Get a Life: Learn to Cook10... How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong11... Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right12... Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13... You: The Weaker Sex14... Reasons to Give Flowers15. How to Stay Awake After Sex16... Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom17... Garbage: Getting it to the Curb18... You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try19... The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower20... I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please21... How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")22... "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms23... Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit24... How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost25... The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency26... Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex27... Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes28... Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too29... Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home30... You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver31... Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")32... Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works33... The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary34... Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary35... Techniques of Calling Home36... Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.
Miscellaneous

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1(ATTENTION... if you don't get it, seek help fast :)
Miscellaneous

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :)
Miscellaneous

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He marries........ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The one with the largest breasts!
Miscellaneous

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
Miscellaneous

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset."You're running around with other women," she charged."You're being unreasonable," Adam responded."You're the only woman on earth!"The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve."What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded."Counting your ribs," said Eve!
Miscellaneous

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.""Fine, but where should I go first?""I'll leave that up to you.""Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said God, and off they went.Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God."Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!""Oh, that?...That was a DEMO," replied God.
Miscellaneous

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become -Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become -Polly-Warner-Cracker.3M and Goodyear merge to become -MMMGood.John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become -Deere Abi.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become -Zip Audi Do Da.Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become -Honey I'm Home.Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become -Mine All Mine.Federal Express and UPS merge to become -FED UP.Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become - Fairwell Honeychild.3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become-3 Penney Opera.Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become- Knott NOW!
Miscellaneous

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.***Men keep scrollingSo, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
Miscellaneous

Thoughts from a school teacher:1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should put "A very good doctor."
Miscellaneous

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible.Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.Q: What is "after play"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!
Miscellaneous

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past."C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?""Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her."Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
Miscellaneous

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in."I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Miscellaneous

Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:Dial M for Monica Saving Clinton's Privates All the President's Women The Lying King Free Willy Terms of Impeachment Driving Miss Monica Independent Counsel Day The Six Commandments The Full Monica President on a Hot Tin Roof Red Faced in October Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency Bedtime for Bubba The Me Lie Massacre!
Miscellaneous

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?A. We'd eat pussy every ThanksgivingQ. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMSA. Nothing.Q: What's the speed limit of sex?A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.Q: What's the ultimate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?A. Hair balls.Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk driveQ. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A Come in five flavorsQ. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?A. CrustQ. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour porkQ. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowingQ. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infectionQ. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?A. By sticking your finger in his honeyQ. What is the ultimate rejection?A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleepQ. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?A. Both can smell it but can't eat itQ. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?A. A blow job with handle barsQ. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A. A mobile sperm bank.Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?A. All you can eat for under a buck.Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A. A cherry float.Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?A. Beat IT -we're closed.Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A. To find a tight seal.Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"Q. Why is air a lot like sex?A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A. He heard the snow blower coming.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?A: She's withholding evidenceQ: What's the difference between light and hard?A. You can sleep with a light on.Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.Q. What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?A. His wife died.Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?A. The cake jumps out of the girl.Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A. Full up.Q. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?A. You can eat your mums apple pieQ. What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?A. Put a nipple on it.Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.The answer. A cockrobin.The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.Q. What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?A. Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?A. You push it to the side before you start eating.Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.Q.What is the difference between women and computers?A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?A. Hanson.Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?A. A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?A. One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest?A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.Q. What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?A. Dress her up as a choir boy.Q. why do tampons have strings?A. So you can floss after eating.Q. What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?A. At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.Q. What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?A. They both dig dead peoples holes.Q. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?A. One is a hunt on the course...........Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?A. A blood vessel.Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.Q. What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?A. A seagull flits along the shore.Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?A. A pimp.Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?A. Michael Jackson's hand.Q. What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?A. Wipe it off and apologise.Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?A. odour eaters.Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?A. Its not hard.Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.Q. How do you make a dog drink?A. Put it in the blender.Q. Why did god put men on earth?A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?A. A pick pocket snatches watches.Q. What's white and clings to the wall?A. George Michael's latest release.Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?A. You cant gargle with sand.
Miscellaneous

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Womeninstead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions,arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made acasserole, and, brought practical gifts!
Miscellaneous

Q. How do you Scare a Man?A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?A. Exchange him.Q. What's a man's idea of a perfect date?A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?A. To stop the snoring before it starts.Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Q. How do you get a man to exercise?A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A. We don't know. It's never happened.Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?A. Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.Q. What is a man's idea of safe sex?A. A padded headboard.Q. Men are like vacations....A. they never seem to be long enough.Q. Men are like computers....A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.Q. Men are like coolers....A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.Q. Men are like horoscopes....A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.Q. Men are like plungers....A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.Q. Men are like laxatives....A. they irritate the shit out of you.Q. Men are like parking spots....A. the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?A. They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.Q. Why are men like tile floors?A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years. Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A. Because those men already have boyfriends.Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?A. "How come?"Q. What's the definition of a teenager?A. God's punishment for enjoying sex.Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?A. They'll never see you coming.Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?A. S&M&M.Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?A. Both capture the moment.Q. Define Transvestite:A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?A. A scrotum pole!Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. Why don't debutantes go to orgies?A. There'd be too many thank you notes to write.Q. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?A. Two Mennonite!Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?A. If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?A. Is it in?Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?A. A bingo machine.Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. One ... Men will screw anything.
Miscellaneous

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.You have enough clothes.You have too many shoes.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes."Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.Check your oil.Don't give us rules.Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void anfter 2 days.Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
Miscellaneous

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?""Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.After a short while he asked her what she was."I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?""Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"
Miscellaneous

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington!* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.Beauty is only a light switch away.* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.Watch out for gay limbo dancers.* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?Express Lane: Five beers or less.* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.You're too good for him.* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CANo wonder you always go home alone.* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CAWhat are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
Miscellaneous

Pay back time for the ladies!1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Miscellaneous

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISHWe need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" ***************************** The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = PMS again. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain. I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steamTHE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: ---------------------------------------------------------- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy "I'm tired" = I'm tired "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person. "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
Miscellaneous

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room."I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"From the back of the room came a voice... "He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!"
Miscellaneous

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead.""We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?""That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.""I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?""I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.""You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up.""This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.""I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Miscellaneous

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?I think that's how dogs spend their lives.Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.Character is what you are.Reputation is what people think you are.Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Miscellaneous

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Miscellaneous

The top 10 things men know about women are:1.2.3.4.5.(I think you get it where we're going with this.)6.7.(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)8.9.10.
Miscellaneous

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
Miscellaneous

College Classes For Men:1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Miscellaneous

Woman's Quote of the Day:"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Miscellaneous

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"
Miscellaneous

The Gutter-Mind Test!1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?6). What does a dog do that you can step into?7). What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?8). What is hard,six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?======================================================================*** The Correct Answers ***1. talk2. legs3. a twenty dollar bill4. firetruck5. bunt, hunt,runt, punt, aunt6. pants7. fork8. Almond Joy candy bar9. grit10. last name
Miscellaneous

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .........................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.................................... 10SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party.............................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...................................................-2 Named Tiffany....................................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer..............................................-6 Tiffany has implants.............................................-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner........................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ............ 1 Okay, it is a sports bar.........................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team................................-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely..............................-20 You forget your anniversary.....................................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station....................-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey..................................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.....................-60A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie.......................................... 2 You take her to a movie she likes................................ 4 You take her to a movie you hate ................................ 6 You take her to a movie you like.................................-2 It's called DeathCop3...........................................-3 Which features cyborgs having sex................................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ..... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly.............................. -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..........................................-30 You say "I don't care because you have one too" ...............-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical............... -5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You don't stop to ask directions .......................0 You stop and ask for directions ...................... 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.......................................................-25 You know them..................................................-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?"............................................-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression................................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..............-20
Miscellaneous

Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.As Jesse entered the first car he yelled, "Okay, everybody, we're going to rape all the men and rob all the women!"Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said, "ah, Jessie, don't you mean we're going to rob all the men and rape all the women?"With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says..."Listen, you heard Jessie...he's the boss!"
Miscellaneous

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick."The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women."The genie pauses for a moment and says -"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?"
Miscellaneous

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
Miscellaneous

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Miscellaneous

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival. -----------------------------------------------------------------1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan."6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.9. I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.10. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.11. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.12. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.13. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.14. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.16. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: "Well, whose fault is that?"17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?19. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.20. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.21. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.22. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.23. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.24. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.25. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.26. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.27. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.28. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"29. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.30. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.31. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.32. The key to a good relationship is they key. Give me back the key.33. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.34. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?36. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.37. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."38. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.40. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.41. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.42. I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.43. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.44. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.45. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.48. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.49. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.50. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!!51. Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.
Miscellaneous

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?""None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?""Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone.""No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Miscellaneous

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Miscellaneous

If your favorite color is:RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men.A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing.BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing.BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.
Miscellaneous

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...===========================================* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
Miscellaneous

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.[It's known as the Sanka clause.]The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]Every person has a unique tongue print.[But would you want someone to ink yours?]Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.[Even if you don't inhale.]Women's hearts beat faster than men's.[Even after death.]When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname. ]Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.[His parents never bought him a night light.]Bubble gum contains rubber.[But should not be used as a condom.]You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."[And most likely to grab himself.]Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.[74% think Madonna is.]The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.[I may never eat Jell-o again!]The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. [But it will hold a grudge much longer.]Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]Most American car horns honk in the key of F.[And we all know what the F represents.]The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]Most lipstick contains fish scales.[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.[Who volunteers to confirm this?]Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.[The same is true for people.]
Miscellaneous

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it."Would that suit your needs?" he asked.The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion."Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement."You see?" she asked, petulantly."Yes, I do," said the man.Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
Miscellaneous

How does a man take a bubble bath?He eats beans for dinner.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?Because they don't have testicles.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?Breasts don't have eyes.Why don't men eat more M&M's?They're too hard to peel.What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?Gifted.What's a man's idea of foreplay?A half hour of begging.How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?He's breathing.What do men and bottles of beer have in common?They're both empty from the neck up.How can you tell if a man is happy?Who cares!!!!What is the thinnest book in the world?What Men Know About WomenHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?One. Men will screw anything!How do you save a man from drowning?Take your foot off his head.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don't know - it's never happened.Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?Because they're stupid.How are men and parking spots alike?The good ones are always taken.Why do men like love at first sight?It saves them a lot of time.A woman of 35 thinks of having children.What does a man of 35 think of?Dating children.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?To stop the snoring before it starts.Why don't men have mid-life crises?They stay stuck in adolescence.How does a man show he's planning for the Future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?At the circus the clowns don't talk.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?Exchange him.Why do bachelors like smart women?Opposites attract.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.Why are blonde jokes so short?So men can remember them.
Miscellaneous

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so.I've always been especially fond of married women."
Miscellaneous

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.7. You own a homemade fur coat.8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath."11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one.16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language.17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."18. Birds are attracted to your beard.19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. 35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. 42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.47. You've ever bought a used cap.48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.50. You've ever financed a tattoo.51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. 59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth beforetelling the state trooper to kiss her ass.67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.68. You own a denim leisure suit.69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. 72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.73. You have a rag for a gas cap. 74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name onyour arm.77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridgeclearance restrictions. 78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." 79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith beer bottles.83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmasdinner.84. All of your four letter words are two syllables. 85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?86. You cut your toenails in front of company. 87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.93. You can spit without opening your mouth.94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.95. You call your boss "dude".96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.97. You have grease under your toenails.98. You consider your license plate personalized because your fathermade it.99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance.102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitutefor toilet paper.105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife'shair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the samegrade.110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it. 115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.117. Your family tree doesn't fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get afreebie at the "House of Tattoos".127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle. 132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
Miscellaneous

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.2. Be ambiguous. Always.3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.5. Make them apologize for everything.6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.10. Cry.11. Get mad at them for everything.12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.13. Hold grudges.14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.20. Cry.21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong. 22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.23. Fall for your FAC.24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.25. Correct their grammar.26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.28. Leave out the good parts in stories.29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.31. Cry.32. Declare that you are not wacko.33. Criticize the way they dress.34. Criticize the music they listen to.35. Criticize their hair.36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.37. Try to change them.38. Try to mold them.39. Try to get them to dance.40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted. 41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.43. Blame everything on PMS.44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.47. Read into everything.48. Over-analyze everything.49. Cry.50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.
Miscellaneous

1. Don't call, ever.2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.5. Lie.6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.9. Lie.10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"12. Deny everything. Everything.13. Don't have a clue.14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.17. Lie.18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.26. Lie.27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.35. Practice your blank stare.36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.40. Lie.
Miscellaneous

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.9. Affirmative action.10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.12. Oprah.13. Feminists.14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.22. Women sportscasters.23. Women congressman.24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)25. Marge Schott.26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don?t need to talk)36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.37. That damn apple.38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.40. Rosanne. Nuff said.41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!48. The Mute button only works on the TV.49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.51. Equality is for math.52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.54. Marcia Clark.55. Chick-flicks.56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.58. Michael Jackson.59. Silence and sex make a great combination.60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.64. High phone bills really suck.65. Women should be seen and not heard.66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).68. Because they're not men.69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hearthem?74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.
Miscellaneous

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!
Miscellaneous

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin."CLUES"1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.When I'm not well, I drip.When you blow me, I feel good.2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.Your tongue gets me off.People sometimes lick my nuts.3. I assist an erection.Sometimes big balls hang from me.I'm called a big swinger.4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.I wasn't maiden for long.A big hard thing ripped me open.5. You stick your poles inside me.You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.6. When I go in I cause pain.I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.I can fill your hole.7. A finger goes in me.You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first.8. All day long, it's in and out.I discharge loads from my shaft.Both men and women go down on me.9. I go in hard.I come out soft.You blow me hard.10. If I miss, I hit your bush.It's my job to stuff your box.When I come, it's news.11. I offer Protection.I get the finger ten times.You use your fingers to get me off.12. I have a stiff shaft.My tip penetrates.I come with a quiver.13. My business is briefs.I am a cunning linguist.I plead and plead for it.*******************************************************Answers:1. nose2. peanut butter3. crane4. Titanic5. tent6. dentist7. wedding ring8. elevator9. chewing gum10. newspaper boy11. glove12. arrow13. attorney
Miscellaneous

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers."So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk."It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.""So how'd you break your arm?"
Miscellaneous

Both look stupid in hats.Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.Both tend to have "hip" problems.Neither understand football.Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.Neither believe that silence is golden.Both constantly want back rubs.Neither can balance a checkbook.You can never tell what either of them is thinking.Both put too much value on kissing.***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.Women look good in sweaters.
Miscellaneous

25 rules for Women to follow:1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 5. Butthead is the smart one.6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.11. Socks never constitute a gift. 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. 14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."17. Curley is the bald one.18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.24. No, you can't have the remote control.25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Miscellaneous

"I'm going fishing."Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Let's take your car."Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.""Woman driver."Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.""I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.""It's a guy thing."Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really meanAbsolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."Good idea."Really means"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.""Have you lost weight?"Really means"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.""My wife doesn't understand me."Really means"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means"I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means"The batteries in the remote are dead.""I got a lot done."Really means"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.""We're going to be late."Really means"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.""You cook just like my mother used to."Really means"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.""I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""That's interesting, dear."Really means"Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means"I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me."Really means"You want me to stay awake.""It's a really good movie."Really means"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.""That's women's work."Really means"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Will you marry me?"Really means"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.""Go ask your mother."Really means"I am incapable of making a decision.""You know how bad my memory is."Really means"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."Really means"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""Football is a man's game."Really means"Women are generally too smart to play it.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house."Really means"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I can't find it."Really means"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"Really means"What did you catch me at?""What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.""She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means"She refused to make my coffee.""But I hate to go shopping."Really means"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.""No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means"You may actually get it to start.""I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.""I heard you."Really means"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""You know I could never love anyone else."Really means"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""You look terrific."Really means"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I brought you a present."Really means"It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.""I missed you."Really means"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means"No one will ever see us alive again.""We share the housework."Really means"I make the messes, she cleans them up.""This relationship is getting too serious."Really means"I like you more than my truck.""I recycle."Really means"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.""Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?""It sure snowed last night."Really means"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.""It's good beer."Really means"It was on sale.""I don't need to read the instructions."Really means"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.""I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.""I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.""I broke up with her."Really means"She dumped me."
Miscellaneous

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs." The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Marys,and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were."The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions."The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?"The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?"Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months! The man said. "OK, fine." and left.As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go?"The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"
Miscellaneous

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.""All generalizations are false.""Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.""I love cats...they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their King!""E. coli Happens""Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!""Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician""If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.""SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....""Towers will be violated""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ""End rape. Say 'Yes!'""I KNOW JACK SHIT!""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.""Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some.""I Brake For No Apparent Reason.""When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! ""Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.""Wink, I'll do the rest!""I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!""No Radio - Already Stolen""Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.""Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""When there's a will, I want to be in it!""Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?""If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?""Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ""I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!""I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!""Assassins do it from behind!""Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!""Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!""Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.""IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ""Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""Which came first? The woman or the department store?""LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.""Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?""I'm not as think as you drunk I am""First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Don't come knocking if the car is rocking""Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter""Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?""We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.""Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.""He who laughs last thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""i souport publik edekasion""The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.""We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock.""2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.""I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ""Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.""I is a college student.""Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.""Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.""Eschew obfuscation.""God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!""I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?""CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.""We're staying together for the sake of the cats.""It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.""My karma ran over your dogma.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.""Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.""Welcome to Texas, now go home.""It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.""Life's too short to dance with ugly men.""Life's too short to dance with ugly women.""My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her.""When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).""Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Will Rogers never met a lawyer.""Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""Don't steal. The government hates competition.""Is there life before coffee?""Never play leap frog with a unicorn.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m""The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.""I Cayman went.""My other wife is beautiful.""I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?""Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.""Nuke the unborn baby whales.""Geez if you belive in honkus.""Friends don't let friends drive naked.""Save California; when you leave take someone with you.""I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.""There's one in every crowd and they always find me.""If money could talk, it would say goodbye.""When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.""Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.""If it's too loud, you're too old.""The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.""Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.""Who cares who's on board?""Die Yuppie Scum.""Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.""Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.""Women make great leaders. You're following one now.""Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.""Exxon Suxx.""Honk if you love cheeses.""Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.""I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.""So many pedestrians, so little time."
Miscellaneous

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.Insanity is my only means of relaxation.Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **Caution - Leave air holes.I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Miscellaneous

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize."Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly."Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Miscellaneous

What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?--A wine & cheese party!
Miscellaneous

RELATIONSHIPS:First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Sex:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Magazines:Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Handwriting:To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Comedy:Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.Bathrooms:A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Shoes:When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Leg Warmers:Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Going Out:When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Offspring:Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Low Blows:Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.David Letterman:Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Laundry:Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".Socks:Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.Eating out:. . . and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Mirrors:Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Menopause:When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.The Telephone:Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephoneto send short messages to other people. A woman can visit hergirlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Directions:If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Richard Gere:Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only married women.Madonna:Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Toys:Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Cameras:Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always send up taking better pictures.Garages:Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.Jewelry:Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Miscellaneous

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group ofterrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do notapply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.But I have not yet gone to college.
Miscellaneous

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Havingnoticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.The sheik explains:"I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women.And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!"
Miscellaneous

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
Miscellaneous

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie."As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion."Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive."What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie"."I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
Miscellaneous

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around whenthere's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.14. Women think all beer is the same.15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"24. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will callthe same friend and they will talk for three hours.28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)33. The first naked man that woman see is "Ken".36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.38. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.47. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?
Miscellaneous

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Miscellaneous

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breastsI can get where I want to - north, south, east or westI don't get wasted after only 2 beersand when I do drink I don't end up in tears.I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hairand I don't go around checking my reflectionin everything shiny from every direction.I don't whine in public and make us leave earlyand when you ask why get all bitter and surly.I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could singI don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the backI don't carry our differences into the sack.I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.I'm rational, reasonable, and logical tooI know what the time is and I know what to do.And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I peeI live to watch sports and play all sorts of ballIt's more fun than dealing with women after allI won't cry if you figure out it's not going to workI won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.Feel free to use me for immediate pleasureI won't assume it's permanent by any measure.Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you seeI'm glad I'm not capable of child deliveryI don't get all bitchy every 28 daysI'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raiseI'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's trueI'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
Miscellaneous

What the world is like in TV land:1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.4. The suburbs are exciting.5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.6. Good guys are always outnumbered.7. Good guys always win and get the girl.8. Good guys are always good looking.9. Ugly people are always bad guys.10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.14. Cars will explode in all accidents.15. Everyone has a dark secret.16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.17. Haunted houses are never locked.18. The police are smart.19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.20. All Asian people know Karate.21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.24. Indians make good cannon fodder.25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.26. Computers never crash.a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.b) Computers know everything.c) The same 2 keys are used to do everythingd) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.28. No one farts, except after eating beans.29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.32. Movies based on true stories are made up.33. Police never wait for back-up.34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.35. Private detective work is glamorous.36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.37. All police killings are in self-defense.38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.39. Good guys don't do drugs.40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.42. High School students look thirty years old.43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).
Miscellaneous

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?""That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Miscellaneous

Some Words of Wisdom...The gene pool could use a little chlorine.Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal.WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.Give me ambiguity or give me something else.We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.He who laughs last thinks slowest.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock. Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

Very Short Lists:1) List of Golf Courses that do not allow Doctors2) List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran3) List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery4) List of Hospitals with Drive-Thru window Service5) List of Home cures for Ebola Virus6) List of Homeless Boston Debutantes7) List of Catholic Abortion referral services8) List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's9) List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops10) List of Men's Rape assistant groups11) List of Battered Men's Help Groups12) List of Cuban registered voters13) List of Libyan registered women voters14) List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers15) List of Libyan women lawyers16) List of Libyan women with PHD's17) List of Libyan Women Service Clubs18) List of interstate Highways with no Numbers19) List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut20) List of People who have survived going over Niagara Falls21) List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy22) List of People who can whistle while drinking beer23) List of Pregnant Men24) List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time25) List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games26) List of Women who can out shoot, & skate Wayne Gregskey27) List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings28) List of Blind Licensed Drivers in Calif.29) List of Midgets over 6 foot tall30) List of living trees made of plastic
Miscellaneous

You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.At last! I finally found the perfect girl!A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?Is it hot in here or is it just you?If I follow you home, will you keep me?The best way to hold a man is in your arms.If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?But you're so *cute* when you blush!All those curves, and me with no brakes.I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.Please be patient--this is my first time.May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?Be good and you'll be lonely.The best things in life are ME!I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
Miscellaneous

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.14. Women would rule the world.
Miscellaneous

RELATIONSHIPSFirst of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.SEXWomen prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.MATURITYWomen mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.HATSWomen look good in hats; men look like idiots.GROCERIESA woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.MAGAZINESMen's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.HANDWRITINGTo their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.COMEDYLet's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.BATHROOMSA man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.GOING OUTWhen a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.CATSWomen love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men abuse cats.SHOESWhen preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.LEG WARMERSLeg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.MIRRORSMen are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.MENOPAUSEWhen a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.THE TELEPHONEMen see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.LOW BLOWSLet's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.DIRECTIONSIf a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."ADMITTING MISTAKESWomen will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.RICHARD GEREWomen like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.NICKNAMESWith the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they willaffectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.TOYSLittle girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.PLANTSA woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.MUSTACHESSome men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.CAMERASMen take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.LOCKER ROOMSIn the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.LAUNDRYWomen do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.POLITICSMen love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.WEDDINGSWhen reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."CHEERLEADERSFemale cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.SOCKSMen are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.GARAGESWomen use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.MOVIESFor women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy.JEWELRYWomen look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALLColored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Miscellaneous

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.34. Men have a good memory, it's just short!35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.49. Most women are introverted: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are extroverted: "Did my team win? How's my car?"50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Miscellaneous

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90'sOLD---------------NEWconservative--reactionarythe establishment--white power elitehearing person--temporarily aurally abledsighted person--temporarily visually abledblind--visually challengedmute--vocally challengeddeaf--aurally challengeddead--metabolically differentalive--temporarily metabolically abledugly--aesthetically challengedfat--gravitationally challengedheavy-set--people of massrude--politically correct psychopath--socially misalignedcrooked--ethically challengedklutzy--kinesthetically challengedbald--follicularly challengedshort--differently staturednon-white, non-male oppressed--white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressivewhite male--oppressorblack--african-americanasian--asian-americanafro-american--african-americanminority group--numerically challenged group; under-represented populationblack--person of colorChicano--person of colorweird green freak--person of colorfemale--person of genderdrooling drunk idiot--person on floorgroup of blacks--Under-Represented population of persons of colorGroup of Whites--L.A.P.D.woman--womynwomen--wymingirl--pre-womynman--oppressorboy--oppressor-to-bepregnancy--parasitic oppressionjanitor--sanitation engineerdisabled car-mechanically challenged cardish washer--utensil sanitizerdairy--where cows are rapedranch--where cattle are murderedegg ranch--where hens are rapedbiology department--where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companiesfishing--raping the oceansfarming-- exploiting mother earthnhl hockey--uniformed fascists vying for superioritypaper bag-- processed tree carcassMany of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).old 80's/90'sdeaf/hearing impaired/aurally challengedblind /sight impaired/visually challengedretarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challengedqueer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)fat/big boned/alternative body image
Miscellaneous

You Know You're Getting Older When...Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.You get winded playing chess.Your children begin to look middle aged.You're still chasing women but can't remember why.A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.You look forward to a dull evening.You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.Your knees buckle and your belt won't.You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.Dialing long distance wears you out.You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.You just can't stand people who are intolerant.You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.Your back goes out more often than you do.Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Miscellaneous

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"
Miscellaneous

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.Great Dames for sale.Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.Stock up and save. Limit: one.Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.We build bodies that last a lifetime.Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.Man, honest. Will take anything.Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.See ladies blouses. 50% off!Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.Illiterate? Write today for free help.Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these beauties from the radio:Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Miscellaneous

Katz's Law:Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.Churchill's Commentary on Man:Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.Sattinger's Law:It works better if you plug it in.Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):When all else fails, read the instructions.Beckhap's Law:Beauty times brains equals a constant.Cole's Axiom:The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.Jone's Motto:Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.The Ultimate Law:All general statements are false.Knight's Law:Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.Krueger's Observation:A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.Benchley's Law of Distinction:There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.Harver's Law:A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.Rule of Accuracy:When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.Finagle's First Law:If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.Finagle's Third Law:In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.Rudin's Law:In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:You can't win.You can't break even.You can't quit.Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:Everything goes wrong all at once.O'Toole's Commentary:Murphy was an optimist.Murphy's Constant:Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.Firestone's Law of Forecasting:Chicken Little only has to be right once.Ralph's Observation:It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.Murphy's 3rd Military Law:Friendly fire ain't.Murphy's 4th Military Law:The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.Murphy's 5th Military Law:The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.Murphy's 6th Military Law:The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.Murphy's 7th Military Law:The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.Murphy's 8th Military Law:Incoming fire has the right of way.Murphy's 9th Military Law:If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.Murphy's 10th Military Law:The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.Murphy's 11th Military Law:If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.Murphy's 13th Military Law:The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.Clarke's Third Law:Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.Weiler's Law:Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.Peter's Placebo:An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:People are always available for work in the past tense.Grossman's Misquote:Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.Ducharme's Precept:Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.Perkin's Postulate:The bigger they are, the harder they hit.Conway's Law:In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.Stewart's Law of Retroaction:It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.Horngren's Observation (generalized):The real world is a special case.Shirley's Law:Most people deserve each other.Gold's Law:If the shoe fits, it's ugly.Colson's Law:When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.Comin's Law:People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.Mencken's Metalaw:For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.Sevareid's Law:The chief cause of problems is solutions.Thoreau's Law:If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.Gerrold's Pronouncement:The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.Hane's Law:There is no limit to how bad things can get.Alan's Law:All things being equal, you lose.
Miscellaneous

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.On the books in Tennessee:In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.
Miscellaneous

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you.""Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased."This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision."Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter."Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Miscellaneous

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam."Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy."Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam.The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand."One lady coming up." says the madam."And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy."Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean."The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam."One dirty girl, coming up," she says.The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!"
Miscellaneous

?Include your children when baking cookies!?Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted?Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says?British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands?Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. ?A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.?Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.?For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.?For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.?Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.?Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.?Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory?Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.?We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.?No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.?For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.?Great Dames for sale.?Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.?Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.?20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. ?Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.?Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.?If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.?Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.?The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.?Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.?Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.?Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.?Stock up and save. Limit: one.?Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.?We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.?This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.?For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.?For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.?Man, honest. Will take anything.?Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.?Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.?Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.?Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!?Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.?Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.?Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.?Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.?3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.?Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.?Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.?Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.?See ladies blouses. 50% off!?Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.?Illiterate? Write today for free help.?Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.?Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.?Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.?Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.?Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.?And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.?We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the gay Polak?He slept with women.
Miscellaneous

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women."Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?""Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl.""Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.""Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman."Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?""Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet.Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
Miscellaneous

"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above ) If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
Miscellaneous

Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed AbbeyIn everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed AbbeyGirls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward AbbeyWomen who love only women may have a good point. - Edward AbbeyWomen: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward AbbeyThe feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward AbbeyHer figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody AllenWoman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. - Ambrose BierceWoman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - DumasWomen! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them. - Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?" - FreudWomen are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. - Ellen GlasglowNature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. JohnsonBeing a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran LebowitzIt's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. - Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond ChandlerOnly one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho MarxMen always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack NicholsonThere are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'RourkeDid you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of them. - Dorothy ParkerWomen: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo PhillipsA woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon PledgeFeminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat RobertsonIf someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. - Mort SahlWomen's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - comic Jerry Seinfeld, in EsquireI think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere - James ThurberFeminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. - Earl WilsonA lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
Miscellaneous

Why do women live longer than men?Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
Miscellaneous

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, andwomen are crazy for it?Money!!!
Miscellaneous

Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?More perks, and the payoff is better.
Miscellaneous

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Miscellaneous

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?Because they don't have any balls to scratch.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Miscellaneous

Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance rather than toimproving their minds?Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Miscellaneous

Why do men fart more than women?Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Miscellaneous

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.14. Women think all beer is the same.15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be. 17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
Miscellaneous

10. Lower auto insurance premiums.9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas.8. Cleaner restrooms.7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.6. Women live longer.5. Can get easily picked up in bars.4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.3. Failed to make the MEN'S U.S. Olympic Ski Team.2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really true".And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!
Miscellaneous

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that.It will mess up my hair!'"
Miscellaneous

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would notremain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problemis that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is notparticular."
Miscellaneous

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with hisson.Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out thefront door and yells, "You need more tail."The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understandwomen. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she saidto go fly a kite!"
Miscellaneous

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you attracted to?""I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in harmony with nature.""I see," said the man, nodding."But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.""Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."
Miscellaneous

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal.We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
Miscellaneous

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."
Miscellaneous

Etiquette and Behavior:EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother'sEB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is RightEB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed CompanyEB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your MotherEB106: How To Act Younger Than Your MotherEB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not NecessaryGeneral Electives:GE101: You, The Whining SexGE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every WeekendGE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not SynonymousGE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The MostGE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of MenHome Economics:HE101: You Can Change The Oil TooHE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer MugHE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch FootballHE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His SlopHE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders YourselfHE106: How To Close The Garage DoorHE107: How To Close The Top On The ToothpasteHE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking OneHE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group ActivityHE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")Interpersonal Relationships:IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male DrunkennessIR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An ExplanationIR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And ConversationIR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of DivorceLife Skills:LS101: Combatting The Impulse To NagLS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss AroundLS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It RightLS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial ResponsibilityLS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 HoursLS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch PneumoniaLS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A CrankLS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By HimselfLS109: You Too Can Carry A BackpackLS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your BrainLS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops MovingLS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After MenopauseLS113: How To Parallel ParkSex Education:SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your ManSE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 MinutesSE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The BedroomSE104: How To Say "Yes" More OftenSE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On GivingSE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
Miscellaneous

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae WestGive a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae WestI like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae WestIt's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae WestMen become old, but they never become good. - Oscar WildeA bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Miscellaneous

What is the thinnest book in the world?What men know about women.
Miscellaneous

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminatinghunger. What do men dream of?Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Miscellaneous

What do men and women have in common?They both distrust men.
Miscellaneous

Why did the man cross the road?Because his penis told him to. or Because he thought he could get laid if he did. or So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't drive worth shit...) or Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
Miscellaneous

Why are women so bad at mathematics?Because men keep telling them that this...|<---------------------->|is 12 inches.
Miscellaneous

Why do so many women fake orgasm?Because so many men fake foreplay.
Miscellaneous

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Miscellaneous

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
Miscellaneous

Why don't women have any brains?Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
Miscellaneous

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...
Miscellaneous

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.
Miscellaneous

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Miscellaneous

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: Condolances Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands. Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together... Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses. Cover caption: Get well soon, darling! Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt. Cover caption: To my golf partner... Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news... Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies. Cover caption: To the daughter that I love... Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing. Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands. Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck! Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
Miscellaneous

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
Miscellaneous

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.General rules:1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.Grafitti rules:5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.Urinal rules:11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X......(X = occupied, . = empty) X.....X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.Toilet rules:15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.16. Always flush.17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.Special cases:18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
Miscellaneous

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does. Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so. Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?Fem: Yeah, so? Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
Miscellaneous

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Miscellaneous

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 2115. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)3. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)2. A wife?...NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)
Miscellaneous

"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine, women, and song.Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."
Miscellaneous

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.
Miscellaneous

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here."
Miscellaneous

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.The woman smiled, "So what?"The neighbor was surprised, "It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?"The woman replied, "I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too."
Miscellaneous

What do most women miss most about being single?Having sex!
Miscellaneous

Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
Miscellaneous

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
Miscellaneous

On AppearanceExcessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the fragrance of flowers or herbs.Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack and still be desirable for her male.T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in less than five seconds, they are off over your head.Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly undesirable.On DatingIf you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him..If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time. Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him. Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men.Don't pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He is hungry and everything bothers him.Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.On SexNever deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.Don't expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should sleep on the wet spot.Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to other males.If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when you are on top.A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in your male, but not furor, before sex.After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a female... After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of time, the man may not be normal.If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him a minute to satisfy... Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy in a minute and a half.Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy you.Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.. If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder why no man has wanted her before.On Things Women Know About MenMen love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a point that they become boring.Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the initial and subsequent sexual acts.If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the mental energy to fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.
Miscellaneous

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
Miscellaneous

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?""Why no," said the husband, flattered."Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
Miscellaneous

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door."Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!""It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.""Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother."Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!""It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom."Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!""Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"
Miscellaneous

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception."William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?""Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.""Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."
Miscellaneous

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside."What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.""Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.""Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...""Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.""Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...""Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.""Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?""Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!"
Miscellaneous

"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law). If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
Miscellaneous

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.Spinster: A bachelor's wife.Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
Miscellaneous

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first500.Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didn't have enough so he left a little space, Here's to space!Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends... Drink Hearty!When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....John.To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today - He'll get her tonight Just living together
Miscellaneous

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.My other wife is beautiful.My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes...The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
Miscellaneous

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
Miscellaneous

Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria SteinemIf you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. TebbettsAt American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin TrillinA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - TynanThe first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe ValezMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VoltaireMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae WestBachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar WildeLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar WildeWhy are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
Miscellaneous

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
Miscellaneous

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha GuitryWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha GuitryAn ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha GuitryThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine HepburnSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine HepburnBigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver HerfordWedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John HeywoodLove is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. HirschfieldLove is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa HoffmanIt is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean KerrI don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam KinisonA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin KitmanMarriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. KnowlesHarpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fianceeI have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich LittleMarriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John LylyFor the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - LysterThe best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaineIn a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman MankiewiczI belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
Miscellaneous

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company?They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Miscellaneous

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin CoreyLove matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of BlessingtonI've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass DaleyI'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette DavisLove is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord DewarI've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis DillerNever go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis DillerIt destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin DisraeliHonolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken DoddAny intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora DuncanMany a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia ApocryphiaNe'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin FranklinA Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce FriedmanChoose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa GaborA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa GaborLove is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - GoetheThank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting marriedWhen Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said, "George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!" - GrahamIf I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves
Miscellaneous

How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There's a clock on the oven.Why do men pass gas more than women?Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman that won't do what she's told!
Miscellaneous

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
Miscellaneous

The Polish Medical Dictionary: Anti-Body - against everyone Artery - study of paintings Bandages - The Rolling Stones Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails Botulism - tendency to make mistakes Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section - a district in Rome Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - sheep dog Coma - punctuation mark Congenital - friendly Cortisone - the local courthouse D & C - where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Enteritis - a penchant for burglary ER - the things on your head that you hear with Fester - quicker Fibrillate - to tell lies Genes - blue denim slacks Genital - non-Jewish Hangnail - coat hook Hemorrhoid - a male From outer space Herpes - what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU - peek-a-boo Impotent - distinguished, well known Inpatient - tired of waiting Labor Pain - hurt at work Medical Staff - a doctor's cane Minor Operation - coal digging Morbid - a higher bid Nitrate - cheaper than the Day Rate Node - was aware of Organ transplant - what you do to your piana when you move Organic - organ repairman Outpatient - a person who has fainted Paralyze - two far-fetched stories Pathological - a reasonable way to go Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Plaster cast - the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert Post-Operative - a letter carrier Protein - in favor of young people Recovery Room - place to upholster furniture Rectum - what happened to the Corvette Red blood count - Dracula Rheumatic - amorous Saline - where you go on your boyfriend's boat Secretion - hiding something Surgery - a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply Sterile solution - not using the elevator during a fire Tablet - a small table Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport Tibia - country in North Africa Triple bypass - better than a quarterback sneak Tumor - an extra pair Urine - opposite of "You're Out" Varicose - nearby Vein - conceited
Miscellaneous

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Miscellaneous

If Dear Abby Was A Man...Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Miscellaneous

What's the difference between a womens track team and a tribe of pigmee's?The pigmee's are a bunch of cunning runts.
Miscellaneous

Why do they name cyclones after women?Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!
Miscellaneous

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did God give women legs? A: So that they wouldn't leave tracks like snails!
Miscellaneous

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information - including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country."But, you can't do that," Susan replied. "Why not?" Her friend asked."Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!"
Miscellaneous

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?""Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash.""What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women."Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*!"
Miscellaneous

Why don't women need to wear watches?Theres a clock on the oven!
Miscellaneous

Q - Why do women have smaller feet than men?? A - So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!Q - The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first? A - The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside!Q - What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells? A - PregnantQ - What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A - Divorced
Miscellaneous

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, "$5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains."So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, "How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?" And the saleswoman replies, "Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????"
Miscellaneous

George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."--------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.-----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?---------------------------------------------------------------------Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.---------------------------------------------------------------------Pregnancy:It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh mygod. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."---------------------------------------------------------------------Grandma:My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.---------------------------------------------------------------------Reverse Life Cycle:The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life istough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.------------------------------------------------------Prisons:Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house eachprisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.---------------------------------------------Award Shows:Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.-------------------------------------------Phone-in Polls:You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."----------------------------------------------------------Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone'sanswering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
Miscellaneous

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii."I don't know said the genie", that is really difficult. Do you have another request?""Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!"The genie replied: "Will that be two lanes or four?"
Miscellaneous

Cool Bumper Stickers-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. -Horn broken, watch for finger. -My kid had sex with your honor student. -If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. -I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. -Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -I'm just driving this way to piss you off. -Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Keep honking, I'm reloading. -Hang up and drive. -Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. -Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. -If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers. -I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. -We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! -Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot. -I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! -He who laughs last thinks slowest! -Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -Assassins do it from behind. -If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. -Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. -I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. -Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. -I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -Where there's a will, I want to be in it. -Few women admit their age...few men act theirs. -We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Miscellaneous

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Miscellaneous

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartendar just frowns and says, "Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar."The owner retorts, "But this is no ordinary dog." The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.The owner protests, "Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog."The bartendar says, "Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?"The owner says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will."So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, "Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?" The dog says, "No problem", and gets up and leaves.The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, "Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?" To which the dog replies, "Because I have never had $20 before."
Miscellaneous

The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by puttingmore women on his staff.
Miscellaneous

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of batteredwomen.And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!
Miscellaneous

Words From Famous Women ... "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - CarolLeifer "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."- Maryon Pearson "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Miscellaneous

Women's Snappy Comebacks:Man: ="Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."Man: ="Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."Man: = "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."Man: = "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"Man: = "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."Man: = "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book."Man: = "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."Man: = "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."Man: = "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking."Man: = "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"Man: = "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !"Man: = "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"Man: = "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."Man: = "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."Man: = "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."Man: = "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."Man: = "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."Man: = "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Miscellaneous

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
Miscellaneous

If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.
Miscellaneous

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!"
Miscellaneous

A nude jogger was running past two old women.One had a stroke, the other missed!
Miscellaneous

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God...."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." "Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks.God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!""Fine," says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God. "Fine," replies God. "As you desire."So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons."How's everything going?" he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."
Miscellaneous

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing) ___________________________________________________ In response... The male perspective on the same issue ... Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Miscellaneous

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2. Nothing improves with age.3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.4. Sex has no calories.5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.8. No sex with anyone in the same office.9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.12. Virginity can be cured.13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.17. It is always the wrong time of month.18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.22. The younger the better.23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.30. Love is a hole in the heart.31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.33. Do it only with the best.34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.46. Never say no.47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.52. Love comes in spurts.53. The world does not revolve on an axis.54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.60. "This won't hurt, I promise,"
Miscellaneous

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
Miscellaneous

1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women... You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sister's honor... You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because you're in the same grade... You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding... You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain... You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says "Say No to Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a Redneck.
Miscellaneous

The Perfect Woman would say: 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.12. I'll be out painting the house.13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.17. Your mother did a great job raising you.18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or8.23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.24. That was a great fart! Do another one!25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
Miscellaneous

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?A. It doesn't last long enough!
Miscellaneous

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"The room really got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" replied the teacher."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Miscellaneous

Why Beer is Better than Women1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
Miscellaneous

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)
Miscellaneous

---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
Miscellaneous

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.
Miscellaneous

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Miscellaneous

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Miscellaneous

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)7. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
Miscellaneous

Vito and VladimirThere were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.Vladimir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."Vladimir : "OK. It's a deal."Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around."Vladimir : "That's it? I can do that."The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
Miscellaneous

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.Insanity is my only means of relaxation.Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Miscellaneous

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.The commander yells, "Ready...Aim..." and the brunette yells "Earthquake!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the redhead yells "Tornado!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the blonde yells "Fire!!!"
Miscellaneous

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Miscellaneous

Q: How can you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?A: SNOWBALLS!!!
Miscellaneous

Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... "Burger King"25... "Free meal"35... "A diamond"48... "A bigger diamond"66... "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the CatWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17... 17 25... 2535... 3548... 4866... 66IDEAL DATE17... He offers to pay25... He pays35... He cooks breakfast the next morning48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66... He can chew breakfast~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men's Lifestyles Through the AgesDRINK at age...17... Beer25... Beer35... Scotch48... Double scotch66... MaaloxSEDUCTION LINE at age...17... My parents are away for the weekend. 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48... My wife is away for the weekend.66... My second wife is dead.FAVORITE SPORT at age...17... Sex25... Sex35... Sex48... Sex66... NappingFAVORITE DRUG at age...17... Pot25... Cocaine35... Really good cocaine48... Power66... AdvilDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age... 17... Cop a feel25... Breakfast35... She didn't set back my therapy 48... I didn't bump into her kids.66... An actual erectionFAVORITE FANTASY at age...17... Thirdbase25... Airplane sex35... Menage a trois48... Taking her company public66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slaveHOUSE PET at age...17... Roaches (to be burned later)25... Old college roommate35... Irish setter48... Children from her first marriage 66... BarbiTHE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age... 17... 2525... 3535... 4848... 6666... 17IDEAL DATE at age...17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25... Split the check before we go back to my place 35... Just come over48... Just come over and cook66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
Miscellaneous

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to seeif he can find the perfect present!5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.11. Shopping is not a sport.12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.13. You have enough clothes.14. You have too many shoes.15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you thinkwe'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.25. Check your oil.26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz inCosmo together.29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of theways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want itdone - but not both.35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right tocomplain about having their boobs stared at.38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.41. Anyone can buy condoms.
Miscellaneous

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?""Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face."Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"
Miscellaneous

Women's faults are many, men have only 2:Everything they say and everything they do.
Miscellaneous

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?Snowballs!
Miscellaneous

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on hergood side. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass. Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, andthigh! Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on theother side to get her through. Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a watertower. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real. Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I couldeat a horse!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!" Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!" Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!" Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher a dinosaur. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher the key to the store. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper,they gave her the sign. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as thescreen. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at theradio station. Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motionmachine. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of themilk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on themilk truck. Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she'sgliding across the floor. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load. Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearingropes. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F,G-String. Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on thewater. Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master. Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by acontractor. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back inbed. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, thedoctor gave her 5 years to live. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar. Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall! Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames. Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7,and 8. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through thewall. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelledsomething burning. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds. Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lightswent on. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks"Where can I try that on?" Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits. Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her buttcheeks. Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line. Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon. Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast isclear." Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on otherside." Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon. Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached herwaist they spelled "BouleVarD." Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," shegot the part as the big rolling ball. Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay." Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said"Sorry, we don't do curtains." Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate. Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to rolloff, I was still on her. Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his wordfor it! Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, shecouldn't identify them. Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham. Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as aChevy. Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light shestarts eating. Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow. Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like"What ya'll eating? I'll try it!" Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food sheate it. Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not loseweight. Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it. Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on. Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on thelightbulb. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up asofa. Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 poundtest! Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes. Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through herbelt loops. Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator. Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code. Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome backparty. Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I wasstill on top of the bitch. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get groupinsurance! Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was afloat. Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount. Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone. Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she wasan oil spill. Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back andsaid "I'll wait my turn." Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense. Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn." Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs. Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wetspot. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out. Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out. Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck. Yo mama's so fat, I tried to fuck her doggy style but I was just ridin'piggy back. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Getthe fuck off." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Fuck it,they don't pay me enough!" Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, wedon't do livestock." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please stepout of the car." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number. Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued." Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time,please." Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit. Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take theburro ride down. Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back. Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat. Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as anew world. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket. Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years. Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on theRichter scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "ThankYou, Come Again." Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs. Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost. Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimmingpool. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub. Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub. Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, andoh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' EnglishMuffin. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket shewanted, she said the one on the roof. Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets. Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks. Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds. Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her ass. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun. Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her. Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozonelayer. Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her upwith Detroit. Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA,he'd seen her too. Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for aweek. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Breakit up!" Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears. Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen. Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just saidH d. Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat. Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. ofgravy. Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks. Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes. Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider. Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells"Earthquake!" Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hipssaying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass." Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutesof your show. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig isthe door. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95. Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check. Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, peoplewalked by and said "Look at the elephant!" Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn"sign. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic. Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World. Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on. Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "Weare family!" Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ridethe wave in. Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up mustcome down, except Yo mama." Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn. Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backingup. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy,Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac. Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets. Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down. Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store isthe dressing rooms. Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleeptrying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks. Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eatbuffet. Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet. Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND thehouse. Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead. Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at thesame time. Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747. Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a blackhole. Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show. Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry. Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her. Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled"Hey! Stop that Twinkie." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-AidMan." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its theschool bus. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, coverher feet like a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag herass back in the water. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanketacross Lake Michigan. Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out. Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house thetires pop. Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling. Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!" Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's. Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to fuck her I didn't know if I was hittingthe hole or a roll. Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to fuck her he had to peel too many fatrolls and said "Fuck It." Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out. Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting hergot lost in her. Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought itwas American Airlines biggest jet. Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet. Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair ofshoes. Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three secondswithout getting called for a key violation. Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts. Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees. Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...peoplesay "I didn't know we had mountains." Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested. Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho." Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate,she got blue prints. Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo. Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if shewas walking or rolling. Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landingon her back. Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide. Yo mama's so big, she reached in her pocket and handed me a CD, a CompactDishwasher. Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burntfrom re-entry. Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One sizefits most" Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to flythey stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes thetide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juicebox because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of thepool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted tomakeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" andshe said "What... does.... yield... mean?" Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was makinga booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yourhouse. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behindit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on theother side. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting. Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey. Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to saygo. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she askedif I had anything written by Bart. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building,but she got lost on the way down. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of thebasement window. Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and"Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bakesale. Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, shesaid "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be abranch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she wasdoing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and shestarted ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster. Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her allday to get Yo family out. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the topdown. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin andthrew it back. Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for theseason." Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, shedrove through the window. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eatfor food." Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobilehome. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on thefloor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in mymouth?" Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order. Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take theKleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked whatcolors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked hertwo front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into anenvelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin'"Free Lays!" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone orderedsmall fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough toblow her nose. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power aflea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop. Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went andgot toilet paper. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, shesaid "Ok, but what's the teams?" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said"Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long sheslept. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me DanMarino. Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved todeath. Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd getchange. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard therewas change in the weather. Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rdgrade. Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if Igave her two guesses. Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had threeguesses. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him newones. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fishwith. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the postoffice. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said"I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put"Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling. Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun thatgets paid. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she gotmugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M,F, and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not writebelow the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - sheput Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer becausethere's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts ofwater in the bix. Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in herears. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelledMACY's wrong." Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contactshe put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it soundslike this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guessand she said "Ah Levis?" Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y shesaid "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off. Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because shecouldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yomama's..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there'sHarry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece ofwood. Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" becauseshe couldn't read. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearviewmirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign,she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ranoutside with a spoon. Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd helphis unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around thehome, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishingrod. Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven'tseen the bitch since. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of aclean glass. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door. Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911". Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner andshe went looking for it. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holidayalbum. Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows athome. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves foryour car. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on herfoot. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a TacoBell commercial. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephonebill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said"Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for agumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing awayall the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs. Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her nameshe said "I think I'll take the physical challenge." Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, noprofessionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks backshaking it's head. Yo mama's so ugly, when the terminator said "I'll be back" he left running.Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from thecondom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a track cleat. Yo mama's so ugly, she's uugly. I had to add another u `cause u is uglytoo! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells herto get out. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful ofpardons. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, Ipinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What thefuck?!?!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighborschipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, roaches go "Hi mom!" Yo mama's so ugly, she hurt my feelings. Yo mama's so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night. Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, people make jokes about her. Yo mama's so ugly, I can't even make a joke out of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it everytime. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit withthe ugly log. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran throughthe whole damn forest. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.Yo mama's so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn uglytree! Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get thedog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog stillwouldn't play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dogbiscuits. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radiosdon't get stolen. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with ajob application. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks forbringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how'dyou get out so fast." Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't come back in. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell they said "There's nothingordinary about it!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went camping, the park ranger was like "HeyYogi!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position and its still doggystyle. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off ofit. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her formooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herselfin the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a flavor da bitch would be oogalicious. Yo mama's so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has fourbig toes. Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yardgym. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birthcontrol! Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control. Yo mama's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on water to get a drink. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with apaycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare Cujo off a meat truck. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels. Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she masterbates she gets arrested for cruelty toanimals. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she scares roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keepbreaking. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise.Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be thedream team. Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have tokiss her good-bye. Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bagson her head in case one of them breaks. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd ratherkiss her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What atreasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on thecouch face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and herparents. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked everyone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then herface, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her face. Yo mama's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.Yo mama's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.Yo mama's so ugly, your real pops could only be a fuckin' dog. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hitby a train. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled"rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull. Yo mama?s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she?d get the electric chair.Yo mama's so ugly, she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it. Yo mama's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out forStar Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her facestopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picturewould be next to it. Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty. Yo mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to buryher. Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on thetable and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off thesurveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator withtinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said"Twins." Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, you could stick her face in dough and make monstercookies. Yo mama's so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangeredelephant. Yo mama's so damn ugly and desperate, she did Winnie the Pooh and Tigertoo. Yo mama's such an ugly bitch, she has a sign in her yard that says "Bewareof Dog." Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with aslingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, she can stand on the front porch and count the chickensin the back. When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can causedoctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone's. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book. Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, when the police asked her for her ID, she gave them arock. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on theBlock. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo mama's so old, she owes Moses a quarter. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flickthe switch. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other sidefishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, her birthday expired. Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs. Yo mama's so old, she got slapped by Eve for blowing Adam. Yo mama's so old, she took friendship pictures with Adam & Eve. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade. Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. Yo mama's so old & ugly, her name is Ape. Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started tofight. Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so old, she watches PBS. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus. Yo mama's so old, she's got a pair of Air Moses sneakers. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her tits fell off. Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles. Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles. Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws aright, a right, and another right." Yo mama has so many fat rolls that she has to screw her pants on. Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand. Yo mama has 3 eyes and they call her "Eye-eye-eye." Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo mama's has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers. Yo mama has a `fro with landing lights. Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo mama has a moustache and they call her Bob. Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo mama has no legs, no arms, and no eyes but she's still the one for me.Yo mama has no arms and bought a vest. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Drill-Bit. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Chopper One. Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. Yo mama has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out aSugar Daddy. Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper. Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo mama has so much hair on her chest, her tits look like coconuts. Yo mama has so much dandruff, a fly landed on her head and said "Damn, Ihaven't seen this much snow in years." Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like itsthrowin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue isin jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardwarestore. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe thatshit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dentalinsurance. When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kicka field goal. Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns intolemonade. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testingbutter scotch. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he toldher to smile. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybodysaid "I see the light!" Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it wascorn. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the YellowBrick Road. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in hermouth. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a KraftSingles pack. Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavitycreeps. Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr.Ed. Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed itto death. Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give mea bite." Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.Yo mama's so black, every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on. Yo mama's so black, if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn intocoffee. Yo mama's so black, she bleeds smoke. Yo mama's so black, she could show up naked to a funeral. Yo mama's so black, when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like acheese burger. Yo mama's so black, she drinks water and pees coffee. Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires. Yo mama's so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo mama's so black, she makes night look like day. Yo mama's so black, she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars.Yo mama's so black, when she goes outside street lights turn on. Yo mama's so black, she got her tattoo done in chalk. Yo mama's so black, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime. Yo mama's so black, when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she hason patent leather pants. Yo mama's so black, when the police shot at her the bullets came back forflashlights. Yo mama's so black, when you go swimming it looks like an oil spill. Yo mama's so black, when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear whitegloves to keep from chewing her fingers off. Yo mama's so black, if she had a red light she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tintedwindows. Yo mama's so black, when she smiles at night she looks like floatingChicklets. Yo mama's so black, when she spits, ink comes out her mouth. Yo mama's so black, if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, her nickname is evening. Yo mama's so black, she makes asphalt look grey. Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo.Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if thatrubber breaks, your ass is dead. Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents youcan get a slurpy. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she getsdumped. Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. Yo mama's like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, fast, easy and free! Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, balls are always popping out of her mouth. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, I can always put my balls in her mouth. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eather. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on anystreet corner. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, andguys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Discover card, she gives cash back. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn herup, down, on, and off. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. Yo mama's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit threefingers in. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. Yo mama's like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown downthe gutter, and she still comes back for more. Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a fan, she's always blowing someone. Yo mama's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobodycan remember all the fathers. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like Blockbuster Video, everyone goes home happy. Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send heraway. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laidby Mexicans. Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Yo mama's like a shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a f
Miscellaneous

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.9. Get a blow job.8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...REPEAT NUMBER 'NINE'.
Miscellaneous

*25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!*1) I'll swallow it all...I love the taste! 2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12) I'll be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or8. 23) You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings. 24) If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!
Miscellaneous

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion."Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'". "Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals."Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" replies the first lady. The second lady then muses a bit and says, "I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'.""Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?""Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well," the second lady says.Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, "And, what will you name your husband, sister?""I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels'," she said."Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!""That's my LeRoy!", the third woman responds.
Miscellaneous

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
Miscellaneous

Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. I'm going to do something I've never done before . . . I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.""So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked. St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.""Fine! Where should I go first?" "You decide." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased."This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I'd REALLY like to see Heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision."I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons."How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?""Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter. "This is the release version."
Miscellaneous

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost."Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
Miscellaneous

You might be a child of the 80's if...... you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.... the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.... you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.... not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.... you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.... you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.... the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.... you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".... songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.... three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?... you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!... you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".... you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.... you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.... a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".... you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.... you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.... while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.... you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.... one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"... you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".... you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".... you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.... you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.... you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.... you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".... you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.... you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."... you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.... Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.... kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".... you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.... flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.... the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.... you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.... at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.... "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.... the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.... there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".... you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.... you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.... you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.... the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.... you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.... honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.... you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.... you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.... (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.... (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.... you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.... you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.... you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"... you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.... you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.... you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.... your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".... this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.... you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."... you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?... you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.... you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.... you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.... you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".... going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.... you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.... you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.... you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.... you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.... you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.... (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.... you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.... U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.... you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.... when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.... you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.... you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.... you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.... you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).... you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."... your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.... you know who shot J.R.... this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
Miscellaneous

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?""I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?""I did that Adam so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?""Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"
Miscellaneous

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Miscellaneous