A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Animal Jokes

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."The lieutenent can't beleive it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn.The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp decended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenent sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, "Let me go! Let me go!""Good God man," said the lieutenent. "There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What's your hurry?"The corporal replied, "I don't want to get stuck with an ugly one!"
Animal Jokes

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. "Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own." "That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?""I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."
Animal Jokes

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said."Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?""Huey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?""Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey," replies the duck."So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."
Bar Jokes

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, ''If you can sit in my basement for a day I'll give you free beer forever.'' So the first man says, ''Easy. I can do that.'' But he walks out after five minutes and says, ''It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.'' So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than 10 minutes. Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, ''Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!''
Bar Jokes

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail,stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon."Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff."Did I just see what I think I saw?""Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.""And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."Nope, but it keeps me from lick'en 'em."
Bar Jokes

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to > > take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was > > very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for > > the highly prized shoes. > > > > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of > > one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just > > go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a > > decent price!" > > > > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just > go and give it a try, why don'cha!" > > The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"
Blonde Jokes

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."
Christmas Jokes

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart
Christmas Jokes

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Clean Jokes

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Clean Jokes

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Clean Jokes

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Set alarms for random times. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog." Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think." Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface" with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!" Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Clean Jokes

1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it.22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and -Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at peopleusing the toilet stalls.33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to thefloor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Threedays later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and errorize the school.34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon eaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans.Be cocky.35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and thenannounce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind oftastes like head cheese.36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they'll pay.43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.
Clean Jokes

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Clean Jokes

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there-Charlie Viracola
Comedian Jokes

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look." EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Computer Jokes

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Computer Jokes

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie."Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.""It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.""It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Computer Jokes

Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say1. Uh-oh...2. Oh S***!3. What the heck?!?4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.6. Wow!! Look at this...7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.8. Terminated?!?9. What software license?!?10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...11. Wow...that seemed fast...12. I got a better job at Lockheed...13. Management says...14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?16. It didn't do that a minute ago...17. Where's the GUI on this thing?18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...19. Where's the DIR command?20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?23. Do you smell something?24. What's that grinding sound?25. I have never seen it do THAT before...26. I don't think it should be doing that...27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...28. You might as well all go home early today...29. My leave starts tomorrow.30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"33. Hmmm, curious...34. Well, MY files were backed up.35. What do you mean you needed that directory?36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?40. We're standardizing on AIX.41. Wonder what THIS command does?42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)
Computer Jokes

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
Computer Jokes

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny.b) Bill Gates IV.c) Mozilla and Dotcom. What's a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.c) Something you plug into a modem. Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!c) I had a wonderful day :-) You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:a) Visit the washroom.b) Raid the fridge.c) Check your E-mail. What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.b) Hulking stars of the WWF.c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it.b) Check out the Yellow Pages.c) Go to Yahoo! When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer.b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I'm Jane!b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself.b) What's your star sign?c) What's your Profile? If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What's your E-mail address?c) Let's chat Private. When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can.b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.c) I mailbomb all spammers! When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don't need another mug coaster.b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper.b) Open Eudora.c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing.b) Underline and double-strike.c) Bold and italic. You correct errors using:a) An eraser.b) White-out.c) Backspace or delete. You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith.b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.b) Take it to the photocopier.c) Check your Sent Mail folder.SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
Computer Jokes

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
Dirty Jokes

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dirty Jokes

It is recounted that at King?s College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year?s rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a Greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..."By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger."Now," said the Registrar grinning, "you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation."We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps."
Doctor Jokes

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Funny Jokes

He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light. He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap. There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally. His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood. The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains. If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM! He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister. A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me?" And he said, "I don't know, what time do you get up?" Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women. He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't know what to feed them. He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers. He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese! He won't let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis. The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was. When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwich?" he said "Let's see the sandwich."
Funny Jokes

He's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat. He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't honorable to sleep with a married woman. He's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a British T.V. station. He's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are appointed by the Pope. He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the newspaper. He says it's no use -- his dog can't read. He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He doesn't know if his teeth are AC or DC. He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard someone say, "Let's grab his seat when he gets off." He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said, "What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"
Funny Jokes

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing."Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.""Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?""Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.
Lawyer Jokes

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that."The first guy says, "I want a million dollars." The genie says, "Are you sure?" He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.The second guy says "I want a new car." The genie says, "A lawyer is getting two new cars then." The guy says, "Oh well. I want my car." *poof* He has a new porche.The third guy says, "I want to be beaten half to death."
Lawyer Jokes

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."
Lawyer Jokes

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Men Jokes

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?- Mypenis ate my homework.- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.- I love giving Mypenis a bath.- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.- If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.- Help! I can't find Mypenis!- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.- Stop kicking Mypenis.- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
Men Jokes

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!""It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Men Jokes

Since I couldn?t find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush. Part A ? Either Candidate Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says?.. a. Iran b. Iraq c. North Korea d. Afghanistan e. Sudan f. Libya g. Axis of Evil h. Gay Marriage i. United Nations j. Tax Cuts Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says?? a. Saddam Hussein b. Osama Bin Ladden c. Al Qaeda d. September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center e. WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction f. Homeland Security g. Nuclear Proliferation h. If either candidate doesn?t answer the question given to them i. If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light) Part B ? George W. Bush Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If George W. Bush says?.. a. Uhhh?.. b. If George Bush stutters c. Florida d. Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq e. Tony Blair f. Dick Cheney g. Terrorist or Terrorism Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush?? a. Miss-pronounces ?nuclear? b. Mentions a John Kerry ?Flip Flop? c. Mentions anything else about John Kerry?s voting record d. Says ?War on Terra? e. Says ?Evil-Doers? f. Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks g. Commits a ?Bushism? ? meaning he says something that doesn?t make any sense Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush a. Chokes on a pretzel Part C ? John Kerry Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If John Kerry says?.. a. [Any Number] Billion Dollars b. Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry c. Four More Years d. Anything about the economy e. No Child Left Behind f. Last Resort g. Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq h. John Edwards Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry?? a. Mentions ?Mission Accomplished? b. Mentions anything about Vietnam c. Mentions anything about Purple Hearts d. Mentions anything about George W. Bush?s service in the National Guard e. Mentions anything about Bush administration ?misjudgments? f. Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration
Political Jokes

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?
Political Jokes

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss
Political Jokes

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven." They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Gimme the good news first," said Sol. Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday."
Practical Jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Sex Jokes

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths arethose?""Well," she explained. "One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Sex Jokes

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.Man with one chopstick go hungry.Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.War not determine who right, war determine who left.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.Man who drive like hell bound to get there.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.Man who farts in church sits in own pew.Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
Sex Jokes

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?""We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?""We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!""Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope.""Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.""Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
Travel Jokes

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!"
Women Jokes

Finally, something other than smiley faces....Perfect breasts(o)(o)Fake silicone breasts( + )( + )Perky breasts(*)(*)Big nipple breasts(@)(@)A cupso oD cups{ O }{ O }Wonder bra breasts(oYo)Cold breasts( ^ )( ^ )Lopsided breasts(o)(O)Pierced Breasts(Q)(O)Hanging Tassels Breasts(p)(p)Against The Shower Door Breasts( )( )Android Breasts| o | | o |Martha Stewart's Breasts($)($)OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy...
Women Jokes

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache."
Animal World

Top 15 Household Pet Dishes15> Angelfish Cake14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye13> Chow Chow Mein12> Bran Muffy11> Eggs BenjiDict10> Yorkieshire pudding 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7> Shrimp Cockatiel 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
Animal World

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
Animal World

A horse and a rabbit A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into amud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get thefarmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm butthe farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to themud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws theother end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the carforward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadowagain and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to thehorse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretchedover the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pullyourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need aMercedes!
Animal World

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!
Animal World

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!" To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
Animal World

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Animal World

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely."Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!""I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
Animal World

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof?""Yep, that's him," he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?""Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him."
Animal World

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales StyleSalespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their timeselling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery twodays before the season opens. Software salespeople ship thefirst thing they catch and write up an invoice for anelephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint themgray and sell them as "desktop elephants."Sent by Alex
Animal World

Q: What's the worst thing about washing your cat?A: Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
Animal World

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for goodlooking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on apile of cow shit and dives down toward her."Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,"...but is this stool taken?"
Animal World

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Animal World

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!HOW TO WASH THE CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.CAUTION:Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.Sincerely,THE DOG
Animal World

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.""But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
At Work

Rejection Letter RejectEver wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Well here's a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,[Your name here]
At Work

Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
At Work

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back ofhis leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded hiswife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
At Work

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the backof his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
At Work

Some professionsA psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
At Work

The Perverse Guide To Getting HiredChapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises theessence of your being to a potential employer. You must graba personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpoweringwonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom ofher parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as wellrun down now and join the other unemployed grads behind theappliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton tolive in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the writtenequivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter'sorange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experimentwith striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing yourname in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of yourmost sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add agood lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget yourpicture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10glossies from Glamour Shots on top. Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time topolish the contents to bring out or even invent your positivequalities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform anyqualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into asaleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best"spin" on a job seeker's skills:"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's." A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a"Culinary Technician"."I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend." Ah! So you were previously employed in "CommunicationServices!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative.""I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetosand watching Charlie's Angels reruns." You can transform the pathetic into the energetic byreferring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "PopularDrama Studies.""I worked in telemarketing." Die you scumbag."I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass outin a puddle of my own urine." I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throwshimself into his work! Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in yourresume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms aspossible: 1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!) 2) Goal-oriented 3) Forward-thinking 4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals) 5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.Chapter 2 - The Interview So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Onceagain, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consideryour apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave alasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, availablein classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of yourprofessional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, andconsider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, somake sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jumpright in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here'ssome suggestions for opening lines:"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job.""I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.""Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear.""Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication.""The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.""I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot theirStarship.""I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?""I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,it will be your last!" Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll haveplenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Considerhandcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smearsuper-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twinpowers, activate!" Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. Agratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp newdollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restrainingorder has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hourthereafter to remind them of your sincerity.
At Work

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and overagain until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breathnormally."
At Work

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send andreceive personal e-mail, calculate your finances andgenerally have a blast without doing anything remotelyrelated to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefitsthat the proponents of the computer revolution would like totalk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence isto claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thussaving valuable training dollars.
At Work

MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!
At Work

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!
At Work

Long, but really funny...from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
At Work

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.The interviewer decides to start with the basics.'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers forabout 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward oneto break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuringtape from her handbag. She then traps one endunder her foot and extends the tape to the top ofher head. She checks the measurement and announces,'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes forthe real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for ourrecords, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for abouttwenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, sohe asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understandyour counting on your fingers to work out your age, andthe measuring tape for your height is obvious, but whatwere you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me runningthrough 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
Blonds

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a signon it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Blonds

Schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J. Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The POPE has one but doesn't use it,Clinton uses his all the time,Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,George Burns' was hot,Liberace NEVER used his on women,Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,We never saw Lucy use Desi'swhat is it?A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?
Celebrities

Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making amovie about the lives of the great composers. Stallone says "I want to be Mozart." Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."
Celebrities

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Celebrities

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled. "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"
Celebrities

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground."What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman."They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger."Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Celebrities

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother'sson?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.
Children

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Sincerly,
Children

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recentlydivorced mother her age? She told him that was not a questionto ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that shewouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should askand to not ask that question again. He went away.A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She askedwhat he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly toldher he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at herdriver's license.He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddydivorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."
Children

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noisescoming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walkeddown the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it tothe end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroomlight had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom andsaw his father removing a used condom."Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tellhis son.I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."replied his father.Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,"Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
Children

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteerto tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking."
Children

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in themiddle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in thedelivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lanternand said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world."Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put thelantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass."No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Doye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Children

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
Children

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after classstarted, he realized that he desperately needed to go tothe bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask ifhe could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, butasked him to be quick.Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be ableto find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and saysto the teacher "I can't find it".Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been atthe school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had hisboxer shorts on backwards"
Children

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"
Children

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"The priest says, "Because I'm a father."Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
Children

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. ?I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. ?If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" ?You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, ?Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, ?No, but I know what you've been doing..."Sent by Max
Children

The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Computers

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've beenhaving some problems lately. I've been running the same version ofDrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all theGirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hearthat DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background modeand the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't findthe switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and itworks okay.Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timingincompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, butI thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. Aftermonths of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has hadexperience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enoughcache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a TokenRing to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, ituninstalled itself.Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs weresupposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virusanyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. Ivery cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSIprobe first and also installed a virus protection program. It workedokay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in mysystem. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 stillinstalled, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about thatautomatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend andcommunicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removalof both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still someproblems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscurelanguage I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think thereis too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desiredfunctionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked howGirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend toGirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version ofGirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a yearif you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, hehad to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One ofthe primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it camebundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocationmodule of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can doanything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came withMotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. Itold him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you tryto run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will deleteMSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.Any Ideas???
Computers

Pest-by-Modem Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations likeIMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to showthat they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand foranything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse toexplain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SOTHAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSOUSE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUTBEING HERE!!!!!!!*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling andpoint out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content oftheir messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"do it again. Continue until they go away.*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that itwon't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compressionprogram and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mailresponses like "Thanks."*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give themnames like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Takebets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so thathe can keep track of what's happening on the information SuperhighwayInternet.*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to anunrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in adiscussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observationthat those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an importantrole. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased aspeople write you threatening messages and instruct all other members toignore you.
Computers

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am?July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet theydidn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of amodem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone whenyou are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thoughtthe dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figuredit out by the sound.July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not thisinternet thing. I'm confused.July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this AmericaOnline stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is comparedto me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer butnothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'mconnected to America Online not usenet.July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUTNOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPSLOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARDAND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THEOTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARDKEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE IHEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CANANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEINTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKEABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERSGREW THAT LARGE.AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. IWAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. IWASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USEPROFANITY.AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHATA STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CANTHEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Itsprobably an extra feature that costs more money.August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted itto every newsgroup I could find.August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I willhave to work on it some more.August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a fewposts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of theearth. I wonder what an aol is.August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but Ican't find that group.August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet askingwhere the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kidnext door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he'slaughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont lethim come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know whythe rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirtystuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and theyused bad words.August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internetasking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my newsignature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want toread my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short storyIlike.August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. Itold him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Computers

God and the ComputerIn the beginning there was the computer. And God typed: %>Let there be light! #Please login. %>login God #Password?. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven_and_earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %>Create dry_land #Done. %>Run dry_land #And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %>Create sun_moon_stars #Done %>Run sun_moon_stars #And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %>Create fish #Done %>Create fowl #Done %>Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. #And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %>Create cattle #Done %>Create creepy_things #Done %>Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %>Create man #Done %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %>Insert breath #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %>Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %>Create Garden.edn #Done %>Move man to Garden.edn #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. %>Copy woman from man #Done %>Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %>Create desire #Done %>Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %>Create freewill #Done %>Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors. %>Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %>Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors. %>Create good, evil #Done %>Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %>Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %>Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %>Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %>Break %>Break %>Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. %>Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %>Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N) %>Y #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, #MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM #Please login. %>login God #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION #USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN #SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE %>NEW #PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM %>God #NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME %>who is God #God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE #And NEW logged off
Computers

Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest andgreatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for thedudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable Ccode involves the use of a few simple defines.#define like {#define man ;}#define an ;#define SayBro /*#define CheckItOut */SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOutlike a = b an c = dmanSayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOutlike SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but ina readable form.CheckItOut man#define YoDude for(#define OK )#define is =#define AND &&#define as#define Do#define long#define some#define make#define garbage#define FAROUTshell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOutint v[], n;like int gap, i, j, temp;YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some garbage an make j -= gap OK like temp is v[j] an v[j] is v[j+gap] an v[j+gap] is temp manFAROUT manSayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOut
Computers

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male#define HEIGHT 1.84#define MASS 68#define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h"#include "father.h" #infndef FATHER#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")#include "bastard.h"#endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */#include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;#endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;#endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);=== ...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
Computers

Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch: You Decide __________ | ______ | ________ | | | || ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | ||| || comparison. People | |______| |||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | || o o | | _ _ _ _ _||________| (|__________|\ | ________)_Roger Earl [^] | |roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,similar to the other great computer wars. Etch-A-Sketch Mac ClassicNo. of Colours 2 2Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342No. of buttons 2 1Preemptive Multitasking Yes NoHardware line draw Yes NoPrice < $20 ~ $1000Power Consumption No YesLaptop Yes NoSlow Operating System No YesNon Volatile Memory Yes NoChoice of Coloured box Yes NoRobust design (shakeable) Yes NoAfter considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that theEtch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in factbe faster than the true E-A-S.
Computers

The Story of Micro and MiniMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-bandprotocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,even if it meant time-sharing.One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked hisMotorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), whenhe noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in hisgarden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'dlike an update tonight."Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL anda Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all overthe place.He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floatingpoint processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," sheresponded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console overher curvilinear functions.Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," hesaid, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byteto eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I'vebeen dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh mydisks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. Shewalked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what aglobal variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips anda bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguousarguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, hewas analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. Hefinally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" butMini was again one step ahead.Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the fullfunctionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processorof it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up thatMicro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as sheprepared to log him off.Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened herdevice files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed rootdevice and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted anescape sequence ...."No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded.""Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged.""But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support childprocesses," she protested."Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt.""No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Minisoon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep."Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of isHEX."
Computers

Millennia Year Application Software System This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Computers

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans by John CarneyFrom: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)To: allusers@rome.orgCC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)Attachments: noneSubject: general teachingAlso posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and diskspace charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,so I'll have to keep this short. :)IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness of men. }:>U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because ofthe customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM norGateway, Tandy nor Compaq.None of us is righteous. As King David wrote: KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeksKD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his KD> favorite game program for a friend.But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*righteousness.But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spiritgives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit tothe authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Payfor shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flamesomebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause yourfellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch outfor those R- and X-rated .GIF files. I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on thecouch. CUL8er. :) XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}--------------John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, amagazine of religious satire and commentary.
Computers

The PC Manifesto V3.0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don't worry, that's not important. Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Handicapped - Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Whaler - Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted - People of Mass - Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East - Asia Censorship - Selective Speech B.C. - B.C.E. Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books - Recycled Books Berkeley - Mecca Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult - Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China - Porcelain Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) --------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
Computers

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," thewoman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the womansaid, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "footpedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated devicethat helps to control the computer's operations.[boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers saythat as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partlybecause of the volume of calls, some computer companies have startedcharging help-line users. [boring stuff deleted] John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Conturawould not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something tohappen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, sheasked, 'What power switch?'" Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people havecalled to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on thescreen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technicalsupport supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hardto control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be theplastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschangsays one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because themouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface. Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan saysa customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from hisold diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed todiagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done withthe diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,roll it into the typewriter..." At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request thatshe send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customerarrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And atDell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back inthe drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," thecustomer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut thedoor to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive. The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dellcustomer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the manwas trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitorscreen and hitting the "send" key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dellechnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got mecouple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was asoftware store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find acouple of geeks." Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damagingparts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that hiskeyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, andthen removing all the keys and washing them individually. Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, sayshe once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him hewas bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking onthe role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, whoonce worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domesticfight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after theman had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background. There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if ithappens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dellevery time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walkhim through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feelinguplifted by the process.
Computers

Software Development Process1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team2) Announce availability3) Write the code4) Write the manual5) Hire a Product Manager6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)7) Ship8) Test (the customers are a big help here)9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements10) Announce the upgrade program
Computers

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window.The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER".The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer".
Computers

Is Windows a Virus?No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So, Windows is *not* a virus.
Computers

Glossary Terms-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Software Engineering Glossary of Product TerminologyNEW: Different colors from previous version.ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0
Computers

Microsoft Market Penetration-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating everyaspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, asuite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsofthas been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. Itbelieves these technologies will give it substantial leverage inpenetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need forvirus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure thenon-propagation of life.The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in thepackage. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, forprofessionals in the sexual services sector.Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatorychannels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will beknown as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install thepackage. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimumhardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs andis sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. Afterinstallation, operation commences. One caution is that the user musthave sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session iscomplete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,"It is now safe to turn off your partner."DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concernduring beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most seriouserror encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of thesehave been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time itsused.CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is areasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior toits shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98'spotential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help ourcustomers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."
Computers

TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd) ****************************************************************** WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! ****************************************************************** WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true. D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including 2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability 3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center 4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List 5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page 6]The Urban Legends Web Site 7]Urban Legends Reference Pages 8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. ********************************************************************** This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.) **********************************************************************
Computers

Computer Ease! The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Computers

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend! 11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US. 12:00 pm Lunch 3:30 pm Return from lunch. 3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out. 4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do. Tuesday ------- 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts. 9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling. 9:35 pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement. 10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment. 10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke. 1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. 1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!" 1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks. 1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. 2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that. 2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. Wednesday --------- 8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material... 10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums. 10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime. 11:00 am Lunch. 4:55 pm Return from lunch. 5:00 pm Shift change; Going home. Thursday -------- 8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. 8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. 9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! 11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door. 1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy... 4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow. Friday ------ 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left. 9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom. 9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications. 9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. 10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours. 11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. 11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. 11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!" 11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him. 12:00 am Lunch. 1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast. 1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology! 2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. 2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport. 2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately. 3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases. 4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. 4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Computers

Chain Letter Type IIIHi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This isabsolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not asmany little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Passthis on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible willhappen to you like:Queer Horror Story #1Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recentlyreceived this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in theside walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood ofpoop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,she died. This Could Happen To You!!!Queer Horror Story #2Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, somepeople swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They bothdied and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were bothcursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen ToYou!!!Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letterto all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on andthen he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3children and lived happily ever after.Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair withhis secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro atthe local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and theygot divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and childsupport payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and hiscar and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.
Computers

Chain Letter Type IVAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of yourfriends.Friends- A friend is someone who is always at your side,- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - Afriend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room inyour sleep!!There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chainletters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity,send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, butotherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don'tcare. Thanks!Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forgetto delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.
Computers

The Y-Zero-K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... . As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius Sent by Marina
Computers

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail.--Desperate***************************************Dear Desperate,Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wavefiles.DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. Insummary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additionalsoftware to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 andLingerie 5.3.--Tech Support
Computers

An actual mailing:Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
Computers

THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum.I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease.I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer.I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers thatare bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell theirwares.I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I wouldget sick from the rat faeces and urine.When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.However, the police are also after me at present because you said notto pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation ofthe $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when Iparticipated in their special e-mail program.It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, andneither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I ampositive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot tofollow and I got a curse.
Computers

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:* 0.5 Miss Worlds,* 2.5 supermodels,* 463 wild nymphos,* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face.On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter).While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me hasalready received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering fromexhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. Noexpensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that onlyinterest women) just so that you can bonk her.No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises likemarriage or engagement.Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they canprepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
Computers

Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
Ethnic

Language Trends of the FutureThere are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and inall likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in thefuture.In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. Allconsonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leavingonly an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred fromfacial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrateto Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all othervocabularies, but the spelling will be original.Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all otheralphabets in the world.The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latinalphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translatingRussian into Polish.Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plusa verb at the end, of course.[From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com]
Ethnic

Chinese SubtitlesFrom a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiledby Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet inthe Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June1996.I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.Gun wounds again?Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!You daring lousy guy.Beat him out of recognizable shape!I have been scared shitless too much lately.I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.How can you use my intestines as a gift?The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
Ethnic

Sorry Texans....A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned tohis office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of hiscoyotes was caught in a trap."How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma gamewarden."Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off threeof his legs and he's still trapped!"
Ethnic

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a smalltown. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use herposition to try to influence the new student. She asks theclass, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washingtonwas the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Fatherof our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a goodanswer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I thinkAbraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because hefreed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that'sanother good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I thinkJesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." Theteacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up tothe front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as heis licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it'sMoses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
Ethnic

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street."Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".
Ethnic

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street."Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?". "Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week.""So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?".
Ethnic

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
Ethnic

Cold Hands There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she say's "my hands are really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them between your legs, that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The next day the girl is riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are cold, so the girl say's, "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and his hands get warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy. The day after that he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between my legs and warm it up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she asks, "Mom have you ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She says I don't know what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
Ethnic

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?""So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Ethnic

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
Ethnic

Q: Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?A: The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.
Ethnic

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin'three whiskeys."Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy,it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It'scelebratin', you are."Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebratingme first blow job."Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar."Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself,here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebrationwith you."Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won'teither."
Ethnic

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of hiswarriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "BigChief, no shit". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chiefshould be fine tomorrow.The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morningthe warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet againsaying "big chief, no shit". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives thewarrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):"Big shit, no chief".
Ethnic

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
Ethnic

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mickreplies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."
Ethnic

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard."Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.""That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!""What was his name?" asks Paddy.Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Ethnic

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a PolishMeatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter andasked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.""Probably, " replied the clerk."And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs,would you also insult him?""Probably," the clerk again replied."Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody notlike you?"At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
Ethnic

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. Amoment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm aprofessional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundreddollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, andI'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.""I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.""Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?""Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish,I was hoping you would give me a discount.""Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twentypercent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making anyprofit!"
Ethnic

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."
Ethnic

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious),"So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?"I study the Torah," he replies."But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?""No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide.""But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz."No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
Ethnic

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
Ethnic

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in NewYork.She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to awealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant!Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollablywhile her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mothercharged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What'sgoing to be?"The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his midthirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'mmaking all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctormoney can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she willreceive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother wastaken aback and thought for a moment."Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"
Ethnic

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, verylittle appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man issuffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about hispersonal life."Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize allthe time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceablepoison to give her, so I may end my misery."The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll getlife in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into hercoffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife toomuch. She'll be gone in a month at best."The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Threeweeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend'shouse to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "Whatthe Hell happened ???"The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, dayand nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trimand dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, herhusband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knewshe has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
Relationships

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."
Relationships

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed. Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."
Relationships

We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
Relationships

The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one." "Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."
Relationships

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom. Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"
Relationships

How to be a Good WifeExcerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbookHave dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a life.Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile and be glad to see him.Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Relationships

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""How marvelous," the old man said."Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
Relationships

Noah And Today's ArkThe Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am goingto make it rain until the whole world is covered with water andall the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few goodpeople and two of every living thing on the planet. I am orderingyou to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he deliveredthe specifications for the ark."OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with theblueprints, "I'm your man.""Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "Youbetter have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, longtime!"Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain beganto fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting inhis yard, weeping, and there was no ark."Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning boltcrashed into the ground right beside Noah."Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but therewere some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit forthe ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get intoa long argument with him about whether to include afire-sprinkler system.""My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoningordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to geta variance from the city planning board.""Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish andWildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, butthey wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.""Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by ananimal rights group that objected to me taking along only two ofeach kind.""Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that Icouldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impactstatement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to theidea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a SupremeBeing.""Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed floodplan. I sent them a globe!""Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with theEqual Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'msupposed to hire.""The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying toleave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that Iowe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish theark in less than five years."With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbowarched across the sky.Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroythe world?" he asked hopefully."No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
Religion

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world" there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said "May I have one of those ?" The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of those bastards ?" Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."
Situations

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.""The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."
Situations

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy dueto motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find itlocked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried tofight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the rightand threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was thereforeunaware of what had happened.When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!
Situations

Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
Situations

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Situations

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you?.swear you'll never do it again.
Sex

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Elderly

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?""I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Drunks

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
Drunks

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
Drunks

|The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?Q: What happened then?A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you?Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?Were you alone or by yourself?Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?A: That's me.Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?A: I'll be three months on March 12th.Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?A: Yes.Q: What were you doing at that time?Do you have any children or anything of that kind?Was that the same nose you broke as a child?Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?A: I used to be.Q: How many times have you committed suicide?So, you were gone until you returned?You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?A: Not yet.A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Lawyer Jokes

|A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Lawyer Jokes

|A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "I found it."
Sport Jokes

|Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Sport Jokes

|Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
Sport Jokes

|A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game."I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said."What do you mean?" he asked."Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Sport Jokes

|The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Sport Jokes

|Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship) From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal." Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! Tired of going to Disneyland.
Sport Jokes

|The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool. 8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven. 7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell. 6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron. 5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches. 4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition." 3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech. 2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties. This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
Sport Jokes

|Snowboarding Lessons When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it." This is the voice of Satan. I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales. I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days. This is because I went snowboarding. For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool." People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together. We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill). If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw. At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance. So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing. In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range. Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you. Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope. Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete. You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.) We learned snowboarding via a two step method: Step One: Watching Brad do something.Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves. I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot. "Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully. Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!" Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me. If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
Sport Jokes

|Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from DojoThe quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper StanceStanding at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion. Sigh of WisdomSudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury. Crossing FingersA hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious. Gift of InstructionThe act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly. Seeing Without SeeingThe dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question. Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza. Mugger's DefenseOffering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation. Sensei's DownfallFailing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open. Further requirements:Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form). Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon. Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot. Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks. Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation. Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice). Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something). Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock. Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment. Must be able to sing Karaoke. Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...) Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course). Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi". Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies. Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat. Must be able to keep all bleeding internal. Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less. Note:Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
Sport Jokes

TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage... Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!" TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the Oregon-California border. LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Relationships

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. "HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat." "That's not your chest!" he roars back. "Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Relationships

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught ajudge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. Heasked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to getone. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got thelicense from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out theyhad filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and viceversa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and gotanother license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date inthe wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissuedlicenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If thereare irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, andany children you might have would be technical bastards." Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Relationships

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside andsaid, "If you don't do the following, your husband willsurely die". 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctorhad told her."You're going to die," she replied.
Relationships

Two men are having an awfully slow round ofgolf because the two ladies in front of themmanaged to get into every sand trap, lake, andrough on the course, and they didn't bother towave the men on through, which is proper golfetiquette.After two hours of waiting and waiting, one mansaid, "I think I'll walk up there and ask thosegals to let us play through." He walked out tothe fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining, "I can'tdo it. One of those women is my wife and the otheris my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfwaythere and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"
Relationships

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He askedhis girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm hewent back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could notcontinue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm hewent back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been outthere five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm hishands.His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"
Relationships

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of thedivorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mightykind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
Relationships

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. NowI want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.Then, finally, she says "You".
Relationships

"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning.""Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?""No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
Relationships

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Relationships

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. "HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back. "Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Relationships

Dear ________,I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.Check those that apply...___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my personality.___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour hands!___Your legs are skinnier than mine.___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying tokiss you.___You have a hairy back.___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.___You still live with your parents.___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrekuniforms a little disconcerting.___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in a long term partner.___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.Sincerely,___________
Relationships

A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes upand starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't backoff, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied."That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you,your mother?""No, I named myself, she answered."Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?""Because I like cars, and I like men,"she said looking directly into his eyes."What's your name?""Beerfuck."Sent by Ron
Relationships

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends andsays with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." "Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." The friend looks at him quizically."Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." "What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"
Relationships

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with anunusual offer."Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When youget to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciateit if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100bill and walked away satisfied.It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved tothat part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comestime for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you willnot ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She mademe a much better offer."
Relationships

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
Relationships

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.
Relationships

Bad Jokes The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOSprogram. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laughtoo hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all likepassengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do whenwe get to shore.How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?Throw in a lawn sprinkler!Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?To diaper their skyscrapers!Why do policemen have toilets?So that yaks will disobey them!What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?An angry nurse!What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?So that photocopiers will interrogate them!Who was that baby I saw you with last night?That was no baby, that was my senator!What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?The both eat flying hairballs!When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?When it's a flabby cornfield!What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?A Communist!Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!Shhh! Everyone will want one!Why do yaks have fingers?So that Hare Krishnas will break them!How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?Throw in a teapot!What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?A thirsty spatula!What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?They both smash lazy lollipops!Why do popes bathe automatic horses?To satisfy their SubGeniuses!What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?Time to get a new senator!What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?They both visit hi-rise armadillos!What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?A violin!Why do ex-convicts have televisions?So that toilets will dissect them!How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?Throw in a toenail!When is a cornfield not a cornfield?When it's a worthless whale!How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!Why do TV repairmen have beds?So that VCRs will visit them!When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?When it's a religious milk shake!What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?They both buy yellow prunes!Why do armadillos have babies?So that snakes will steal them!What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?They both stall born-again BMWs!What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?"Smash my horse, please!"How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?Throw in a vicar!What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?When he's a beautiful grandmother!What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?They both toast gold-plated giraffes!What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?A holographic chicken!What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?Time to get a new toothbrush!Why do demons have aerobics instructors?So that ostriches will cross-examine them!What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?A lima bean!What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?They both bounce wacky gods!What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?Time to get a new kneecap!Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?To befriend their prunes!Why do toddlers have gargoyles?So that forks will marry them!
Miscellaneous

Immodest Proposal #1: Daylight Savings Time Reform Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch toDaylight Savings Time (DST).Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. Weall get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarassing, but not catastrophic.But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We losean hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the biggame on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annuallosses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a milliondollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of TheSeven Samurai because of DST.There is no need for such tragic waste. We can -- we should and must -- urgeour lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, letus keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us setour clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD.Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain(almost) a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will neveragain miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one dayin each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals withthis. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS.Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according torecent polls are the least popular days.If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable monthit is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening theexcruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determinedeffort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.Write your congressperson today!
Miscellaneous

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.""Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
Miscellaneous

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the manycanyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds ofindians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that thereare hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, onceagain, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back awayin the direction from which they had come and they realise, they weresurrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto,my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times togetherbut now I think we are doomed"." We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"
Miscellaneous

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers willbe debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will bedeflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will bedebriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
Miscellaneous

he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,THREE deconstructionist poets,TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Miscellaneous

Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them.Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house."But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?"Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union bossand gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form."But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womynto oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until allwomyn were free."But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, sincehe's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attendinga special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypicalwomyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender afeeling of community."But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick andhence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn'tactually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,although that was not to imply that any of these conditions wereinferior to what some people called "health".Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of deliveringthe basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerousplace, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based oncultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regardedthe natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed thatnatural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, butRed Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peopleswould be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as validlifestyle role models.On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, andwandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her whatwas in her basket.Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, andchose to dialogue with the Wolf.She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gestureof solidarity."The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walkthrough these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, butI will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirelyvalid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards herGrandmother's house.But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence tolinear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma'shouse. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative ofhis nature as a predator.Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put onGrandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in yourrole of wise and nurturing matriarch."The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!""You forget that I am optically challenged.""And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.""Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn'tgive in to such societal pressures, my child.""And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reactionappropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbedLittle Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could seeher poor Grandmother cowering in his belly."Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "Youmust request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax."Hands off!" cried the woodchopper."And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I letyou help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities,which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on collegeentrance exams.""Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! Thisis an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red RidingHood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head."Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and hergrandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.""No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've beendealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowersearlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?""Sure," said the Wolf."Thanks.""I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on hisfirm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" Thomas E. Maloney
Miscellaneous

The Speed of Time by Age 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.
Miscellaneous

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Miscellaneous

The FishermanOne day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family."You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?""Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer."And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will thenresult in larger catches of fish!""And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said."And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
Miscellaneous

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?" "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off." "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?" "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber." "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?" "Seagull droppings," says the Captain. "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out." "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."
Miscellaneous

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear." The fisherman said,"Oh, really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"
Miscellaneous

Valentine's Day Story John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Miscellaneous

You have to read the whole thing: The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. ********************************************************* Now the updated version for the '90s woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's! 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster). 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup. 7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed. 10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
Miscellaneous

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town.they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the firstman begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that hewill wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down theroad. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws itup. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as hesits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"
Miscellaneous

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Miscellaneous

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"
Miscellaneous

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselvesstanding before the pearly gates of Heaven, where StPeter and the Devil were standing nearby."Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact thatHeaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed tolimit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone ofyou can ask me a question which I don't know or cannotanswer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,then you'll come with me to Hell."The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the mostcomprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snapof his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, thephilsopher disappeared.The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicatedformula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. Themathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it wascorrect. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of hisfinger, the mathematician disappeared, too.The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me achair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holeson the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then saton the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, heasked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole fromthe right.""Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." Andthe idiot went to Heaven.
Miscellaneous

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned tocover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was sothick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for himto photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission torent a plane and take photos from the air.He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swungthe little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in theair. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three lowpasses so I can take some pictures.""Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,"and photographers take photographs."The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You meanyou're not the flight instructor?"
Miscellaneous

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough. copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
Miscellaneous

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That will be 20.00' 'But you said 10.00' '10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.
Miscellaneous

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the deathof the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately8:42PM last evening.Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going andgoing and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends andrelatives, was alone at the time of his death.An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medicalExaminer, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death wasacute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards,and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....
Miscellaneous

How to Hunt Elephants -- Comp Sci Style Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.4. During each traverse a. Catch each animal seen b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A byplacing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that thealgorithm will terminate. Sent by Alex
Miscellaneous

How to hunt elephants -- Lawyer's styleLawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herdsaround arguing about who owns the droppings. Softwarelawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on thelook and feel of one dropping.Sent by Alex
Miscellaneous

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-craftedpiece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
Miscellaneous

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women whoin a short time were fighting over his attentions.They held a meeting to resolve the problem anddecided that each would have his services on adifferent day of the week, with Sundays off for him. In due time the guy was dragging himself through theweek, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floatingon the sea which as it got closer turned out to be aman on a raft. With his last ounce of strength heswam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupantCPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, amI ever glad to see you! "Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"said the raft rider in a swishy way.With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn,there goes my Sundays!"
Miscellaneous

More cool than funny, but... racecar <===> racecar drawer <===> reward repaid <===> diaper straw <===> warts evian <===> naive [there's a message here, I think!] smug <===> gums star <===> rats step <===> pets step on <===> no pets
Miscellaneous

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: 1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.4. It is void where prohibited by law, and5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty islimited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at thesole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer:The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse theuse of the color blue.
Miscellaneous

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor andsuffer many an indignity. Why is this?"And a great voice was heard from above:"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Religion

Love Jesus by Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Religion

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his last son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
Religion

There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy. With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line, "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count fucking."
Religion

Nuns First Hot Dog Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Religion

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Religion

GOD will save me The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD will save me". The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said "GOD will save me". Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said "GOD will save me". It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save me, GOD?" And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?"
Religion

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. thepastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and begantumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally thepastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sendinghis rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry forwhat I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord pleasemake this bear a Christian". Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fellto it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep andsaid "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"
Religion

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around =the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the =Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his =stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he =kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself."Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the =accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you =believe, man?""Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking.""Checking? Checking for what?"Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: ="Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"
Religion

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up inhis book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and lookedit up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, Iwill show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. Theywalked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with allsorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyerand told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing howimportant he was to the church could hardly imagine what hishouse would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on toa small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope thatthis would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said toSt. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and hegets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at thePope and said "True, you have done great things. Butwe have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the firstlawyer ever to make it up here."
Religion

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of theweekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priestexplained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a fewpaces back and pitched the money towards the circle. Whatlanded in the circle he kept and what landed outside thecircle god kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,except that what landed outside the circle went to the priestand the money that landed inside the circle god kept.The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the moneyinto the air and what god wants, god takes."
Religion

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Religion

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked."I could eat," said Seymour.The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
Religion

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive mefor I have sinned."The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?""I lusted," the fellow replied."Tell me about it," the priest said.The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliverymanfor UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluentsection of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened andthere stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Shehad long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressedin a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,she asked if I would like to come in.""And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest."Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how Ilusted," replied the man."Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will getyour reward in heaven, my son.""A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"the fellow asked.The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,you jackass."
Religion

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
Situations

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a womanjust passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition tome?"The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware thatevery pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,"I just asked the time, miss."In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if yousay another word!"Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastenedto the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath andwondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In aquiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesison the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,"You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?"
Situations

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to theblind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read themenu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previouscustomer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirtydish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns tothe blind man's table and hands it to him. The blindman puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deepbreath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf andmashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walkstowards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner'swife and he tells her what had just happened. The blindman eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the ownermistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?I'm the blind man.""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you adirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it tothe blind man. After another deep breath, the blind mansays, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni andchesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with himand tells his wife that the next time the blind man comesin he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see'shim coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Maryrub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blindman walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already havethe fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff andsays, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Situations

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I bettersee a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer inthe drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaperthan visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine andit will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. Itonly costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urinesample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured inthe sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weirdnose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a smallslip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water,avoid heavy labor,it will be better in two weeks.Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Petebegan to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples fromhis wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine anddeposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed outthe following analysis: Your water is hard,get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine,get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant,it's not yours,get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Situations

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain.A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes.After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is gettingdesperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls outthe Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."
Situations

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful youngwoman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tightleather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots andjacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to geton, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allowher leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus drivershe reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinkingthat this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Againshe tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover shestill couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once againreached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and fora second time attempted the step and once again, much to herchagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzippedthe offending skirt to give a little more slack and again wasunable to make the step.About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the linepicked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly onthe step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be heroscreeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't evenknow who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agreewith you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kindafigured that we was friends."
Situations

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switchwhen the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any lastrequests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)could you please do something to scare me?"
Situations

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices thatat the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has everseen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must haveher....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has anySpanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comesback a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....hesays to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....butthis is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to gether over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the manforks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into achampagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with hiscompliments.....The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero ratherdisinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off herbarstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a mostseductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrificallyexcited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shouldersand leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on hisneck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"
Situations

A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head."There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife. Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body. "That must be the Chinese guy I slept with" she said. Then one more scream and the baby?s white legs were born, "Ah - that was the husbands bit" she said.The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said "Thank fuck for that, I thought it was going to bark !!!"
Situations

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him."Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," heanswers.The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask.Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...let him in!"
Situations

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"Sent by Chris
Situations

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, "Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die."Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, "That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost hit the pussy willows."
Situations

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Situations

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?What's the emergency?""Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured.""Well, how bad is it? Can I see?""Follow me, sir."They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.Follow me, please."They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?""No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all."Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?""Not your child, sir. Follow me."One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself toenter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear."This is your child, Mister Smith."Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worsethan this!? But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies...""Sir, it's deaf."
Situations

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale."Good morning, madam. I've come to....""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results""My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London""Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?""That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.""Tripod?????""Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
Situations

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Situations

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night. "Sure," said the farmer, "my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up." Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him...."Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room." "I heard you," said the salesman,"but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Situations

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and theylived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
Situations

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretchedout to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignifiedhandshake from Queen Elizabeth II.They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London wherethey boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificentwhite horses.As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side andwaving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, allwas going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry anddignity.Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip themost horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did theirbest to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that wasa ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassingsituation.She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept myregrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even aQueen cannot control."George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, pleasedon't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't saidsomething I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
Situations

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
Sex

"The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bedso they felt Grumpy instead....."
Sex

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky'swardrobe?When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.
Sex

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!" Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!" Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again. Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again." This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Sex

The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the mother superior. "Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?" "Sorry", she replies, "but there are no dwarf nuns here". "Well, are there any in the city?". "No, there are no dwarf nuns". "What, none anywhere in Europe?" "No, little man". "None in the entire world". "Take my word for it". At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing. The Mother Superior asks "What's so funny?". "Dopey just fucked a penguin".
Sex

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified."You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Sex

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spotoverlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple insidewith the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver'sseat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seatcalmly knitting.He stopped to investigate.He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man lookedup, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?""What are you doing?" the policeman asked."What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm readingthis magazine."Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer thenasked, "And what is she doing?"The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she'sknitting a sweater."Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?""I'm nineteen," he replied."And how old is she?" asked the officer.The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelveminutes she'll be eighteen."
Sex

Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit."I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink""There's another trench over there" says the other."I'll cover you with the M60.... just give me a shout andand i'll cover you so you can get back""OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off themachine gun.He's waiting 10 minutes......15.......20....he shouts out "Are you Ok?".....nothing.Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting."Cover me i`m coming back"When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the fuck have you been? you've been gone for over an hour""Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits,fondled her arse,turned her round and fucked her frombehind!""It was great!""You lucky Bastard" said the other "did you get a blow job?" "nah" said the other,disappointedly" she didn't have a head"Send by Rob Rowell
Sex

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.One day he took his questions to his mother, and she becameflustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him tohide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother.Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figuredsis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have beengetting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sisgot toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. Iknow it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel hadgotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pantsand stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed itin one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she gotreally scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she startedcalling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about theones I saw at the lake!Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit herback. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he tooka muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep itfrom biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get ascissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eelput up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and herboyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel bysquishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriendsat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead becauseit just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis andher boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courtinganyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn'tdead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eelsare like cats... They have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this timebecause I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.Mother fainted.
Sex

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when therecame the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke awayat once, eyes wide with alarm."Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor.""For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation,"is this a time to be superstitious?"
Sex

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,""That sounds wonderful," said Brian."Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw youmaking love to her daughter?""Baaaaaaa."
Sex

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he hasto listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the seconddwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."
Sex

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"
Sex

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like werepopular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
Sex

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into thebedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
Sex

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then herhusband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by hernext husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they'refinally together."A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Sex

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A: A tea bag.
Sex

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?""Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
Sex

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?" She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Sex

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing herfull lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his softmurmurs of assurance.He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothlyreleased her from her constraining attire. With a sigh ofsurrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldlytaking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that hadgone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasywas within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been madeonly for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she methis steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it againand again and again............DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
Sex

Definition of bad lover:An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
Sex

Proctologists Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing. Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end." Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash- ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc, I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he's one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political convention. Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve people's concept of these doctors of the down under. o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica- tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have their fingernails removed. o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort. o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like: "Let our fingers do the walking." "We'll bend over backwards for you." "Please, take my seat." "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning." "It looks like the End."o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers like: "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar." "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you." "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!" "Yes, I see a family resemblance." "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low." "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..." "Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let's do a dry run." "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet." "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove." "How long have you had this crack in your butt?" "I see you had pizza last night." "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?" "Ah, you must be gay." "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?" "Ooops, I think I lost my watch." "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!" "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill." "Gee, I hope I can get this out." "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?" "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"Jack KolbDept. of English, UCLAkolb@ucla.edu
Medicine

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
Medicine

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one daycomplaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incrediblydumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her togive a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her togive a patient an enema every 24 hours. She triedto give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearlyexploded!"Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream fromdown the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prickMr. Smith's boil!"
Medicine

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
Medicine

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit.""Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked."For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.""Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.""You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have.""I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?""Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
Medicine

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."
Medicine

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: "Well, what can I do for you madam?".The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential."So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?""Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you andprescribe a treatment."The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand."Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient."Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little."
Medicine

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?The one I was in went back and forwards.I thought, "This is unusual."The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."
Medicine

Humor story by Larry GravesWebsite: http://www.gravetimes.com/ MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONSA few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence: #1 "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!" #2 "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go.First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the Guinness Book of World Records. The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constantlaughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was being woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't think so." Another dream shattered...sent by Larry Graves
Medicine

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumblesinto a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to thereceptionist.Without looking up, she waves him over to the examinationbed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out hispenis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains."That's not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty."Holy shit, lady!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you hada minimum!"
Medicine

Fred DingalingA local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster thanthe posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead ofa ticket. So, he asks the man his name."Fred," he replies."Fred what?" the officer asks."Just Fred," the man responds.When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that heused to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born FredDingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all thetime. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When Igot older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went throughcollege, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back toschool. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got mydegree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry soI started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I wasFred Dingaling MD DDS with VD."Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I wasFred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA takingaway my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me asFred Dingaling with VD."Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."The officer let him go without even a warning.
Medicine

Politically Correct Feminine Terminology from aperreat@saunix.sau.edu: Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that youwould offend the person standing near you?...NOT. Well, if you are, thenhere are some alternatives to some popular phrases.I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.She is not: An airheadShe is: Reality ImpairedShe is not: A Bleached BlondShe is: Peroxide DependantShe is not: A babe or chickShe is: A Breasted AmericanShe does not have: Major league hootersShe is: Pectorally SuperiorShe does not have: A Great TanShe is: Pigmentally EnhancedYou do not want to: Score or pick her upYou want to: Attempt a Horizontal EncounterShe is not: A perfect 10She is: Numerically SuperiorShe does not have: A great buttShe has: A Superior PosteriorIf she does not want to get: Married or hitchedShe does not want: Domestic IncarcerationShe is not: Half nakedShe is: Wardrobe ImpairedShe does not have: A perfect bodyShe is: Anatomically GiftedShe is not: Drunk or tipsyShe is: Chemically InconveniencedShe is not: Small or shortShe is: Vertically Challenged
Women

Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Women

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Women

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
Women

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As aconsolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the geniethat she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".
Women

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.After all, both companies have made millions off airheads withflawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certainto follow. Some possibilities:Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessoriesinclude a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteadersimportant tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how totake care of their nails while shoeing a horse.America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crimeagainst feminism.Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens whodon't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married tooyoung and ate too much.Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.
Women

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angeltells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As areward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:l. There's too much front end protrusion2. It chatters at high speeds3. The rear end wobbles too much, and4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.""Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the CelestialSupercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It maybe that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "butaccording to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Women

ELEMENT: WOMANSYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS:Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't comeinto contact with each other.
Women

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store."If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Women

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard thatyou've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Women

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!""Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes youlook less attractive.""I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?""Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripesmakes you look larger than you really are.""I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a warton his dick!""Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Women

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing newDrive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilisethis facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored tobest reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"13. Enter PIN14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres26. Release hand brake
Women

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in themiddle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired oldgenie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer."Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
Men

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?"The assistant asked"Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?". The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!". The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up tohim and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket whileI get my cock out."
Elderly

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.After his examination, his doctor was amazed."Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in thegreatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!""Did I say I was 64?""Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?""Damn straight you did! I'm 85!""85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were25! How old was your father when he died?""Did I say he was dead?""You mean...""Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!""My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!How long did your grandfather live?""Did I say he was dead?""No! You can't mean...""Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!""126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't thinka man would want to get married at that age!""Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."
Elderly

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holdingher hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat.""But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down thereis 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Elderly

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone getalong, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep ournation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-freeliberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try onemore time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for theterminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinkobedwetters.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people wereconfused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any otherform of wealth.More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeinganything.You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based onfreedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leavethe room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the worldis full of idiots, and probably always will be.You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriverin your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturerto make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the mostcharitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but weare quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation ofprofessional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation ofanother generation of professional couch potatoes.You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but fromthe looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest ofus get together and kill you.You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprisedif the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you stillwon't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives inforeign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governmentsand won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spendso much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a militaryuniform and a funny hat.You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to takeadvantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laidbefore you to make yourself useful.You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that youhave the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easierif you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created bythose around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper napper@felix.TECLink.Net
Politics

The Math Test California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency ExamName:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________ 1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Politics

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."
Politics

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Politics

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it to the White House at [3]president@whitehouse.gov Name: Hometown: Sex: F__ Age: Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot: ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:... You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon, Uncle Sam wants you. *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Politics

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failedexperiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was ademagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evilempire, I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War byescalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclearannihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiatedits past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reaganhad nothing to do with it. Because if that fool Reagan was right all along... ...what kind of fool am I? --Jules Feiffer
Politics

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
Politics

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consultswith astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chainsmokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleepsuntil noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart ofbrandy every evening.Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't hadany illicit affairs.Which of these candidates is your choice??Candidate A is Franklin D. RooseveltCandidate B is Winston ChurchillCandidate C is Adolph HitlerSent by Marina
Politics

The Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported that Yugoslavianair defenses had shot down a NATO F-16 just after nightfallwhile the jet was on a bombing run. The plane crashed intoan empty field, creating a huge crater. Serbian search andrescue workers have recovered 307 bodies so far, provingthat NATO is using Albanian men, women and children terroriststo wage their war of terror from the sky.
Politics

BUY YUGO WAR BONDSFor $25 US dollars you can invest in the future of a developingcountry just out of the clutches of communism.What your $$$ buyz: Russian ammo for one freedom fighter forone month for the ethnic clensing!Their motto: I wanns be like Ike! A little behind the times, BUT!They model themselves after the US of A.They want to establish a land- first ridding themselves ofundesireables (like the US did against the native inhabitants)Why not? What's good enough for US is good enuff for them!
Politics

Presidential Election'2000Dear Abby,I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb ofPhiladelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is marriedto a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested forgrowing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my othertwo sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, onewho is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape andmurder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently beingheld in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his threechildren. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fianceand look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want tobe totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who votedfor Bush?Signed,Worried about my reputation
Politics

Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive citizen. Best wishes, Bill Clinton President United States of America P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.
Politics

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Politics

Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.JUDGE: To what?DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.PROSECUTION: The people do not.DEFENSE: Do too.PROSECUTION: Do not.DEFENSE: Do too.DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.PROSECUTION: Where were we?JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom!BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin.JUDGE: I'll allow it.F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssssJUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat- able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show!JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.DEFENSE: Which one?JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance.EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000.PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us.PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis- sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be played by Demi Moore?PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?EXPERT WITNESS: I am.PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before?EXPERT WITNESS: This way.JUDGE: What about my beard?EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut.(Laughter.)JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court?EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant.DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either way.PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what "DNA" stands for?EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the...EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!(Another murmer runs through the court.)GUN: BANG!BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National Enquirer.JUDGE: I'll allow it.PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.JUDGE: Of course.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot...JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?
Legal

Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Legal

WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v.s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
Legal

For three years, the young attorney had been taking hisbrief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'dfinally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged hissuitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you werepregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, wecould have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!""Well," she said, "when my folks found out about mycondition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' anddecided it would be better to have a bastard in thefamily than a lawyer!"
Legal

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "
Legal

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse.A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams.Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the partsof the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired fora sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad invarious forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon theunimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. thelawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in theHouse to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, theparty of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/ordisbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulledand/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, thepreviously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen(hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is furtherasserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have beeninvolved.)The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deerintentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of severalresidences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, andnoted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and otheritems of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation orpermission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in ared fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementionedpackages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared tobe tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances andhealth regulations.Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of theminor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and othersmall gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to saidminor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Uponcompletion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where theVehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediatelydeparted for an unknown destination.However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from saidHouse, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Legal

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?""No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
Ouch

The College Food Chain THE DEANLeaps tall buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bulletWalks on waterGives policy to GodTHE DEPARTMENT HEADLeaps short buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a switch engineIs just as fast as a speeding bulletTalks with GodPROFESSORLeaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engineIs faster than a speeding BBWalks on water in an indoor swimming poolTalks with God if a special request is honoredASSOCIATE PROFESSORBarely clears a quonset hutLoses tug of war with a locomotiveCan fire a speeding bulletSwims wellIs occassionally addressed by GodASSISTANT PROFESSORMakes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildingsIs run over by locomotivesCan sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injuryTreads waterTalks to animalsINSTRUCTORClimbs walls continuallyRides the railsPlays Russian RouletteWalks on thin icePrays a lotGRADUATE STUDENTRuns into buildingsRecognizes locomotives two out of three timesIs not issued ammunitionCan stay afloat with a life jacketTalks to wallsUNDERGRADUATE STUDENTFalls over doorstep when trying to enter buildingsSays "Look at the choo-choo"Wets himself with a water pistolPlays in mud puddlesMumbles to himselfDEPARTMENT SECRETARYLifts buildings and walks under themKicks locomotives off the tracksCatches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats themFreezes water with a single glanceShe IS God.
School

Letter from Daughter to Parents Dear Mother and Dad:It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remissin writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not havingwritten before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and theconcussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when itcaught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only getthose sick headaches once a day.Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendantat the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the firedepartment and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and sinceI had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enoughto invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply inlove and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, butit will be before my pregnancy begins to show.Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forwardto being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it thelove, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reasonfor the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infectionwhich prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelesslycaught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injectionsI am taking daily.I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind andalthough not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a differentrace and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will notpermit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darkerthan ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background isgood too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in thevillage in Africa from which he came.Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there wasno dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I wasnot in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not havesyphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am gettinga 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marksin the proper perspective.Yours- Your Loving Daughter
School

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
School

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:----------------------------------------------------------------Rebecca and Gary English 44ASMUCreative WritingProf Miller In-class Assignment for WednesdayToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the personsitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then writethe first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read thefirst paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Thefirst person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back andforth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in orderto keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree aconclusion has been reached.----------------------------------------------------------------At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. Thecamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and ifshe thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.So camomile was out of the question.Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attacksquadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things tothink about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo namedLaurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago."A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalacticcommunicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance sofar..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashedout of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. Thejolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and acrossthe cockpit.He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before hefelt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the onewoman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earthstopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers ofSkylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and SpaceTravel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The newssimultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly andcarefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract herfrom her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things aroundher. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" shepondered wistfully.Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launchedthe first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpypeaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treatythrough Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostilealien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Withintwo hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships wereon course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize theentire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated theirdiabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphereunimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarineheadquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt theinconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on theconference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto thattreaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. Mywriting partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attemptsat writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.You total $*&.Stupid %?$!.
School

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer. P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
School

A Modest Essay 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.
School

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public serviceannouncement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bearcountry. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
Travel

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat andexposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have toshow your ticket here, not your stub."
Travel

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this oneis for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we alllove! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for beingsmart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger whoprobably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was canceled. Asingle agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticketdown on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to beFIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to helpyou, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able towork something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so thatthe passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addressmicrophone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowingthroughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOTKNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to thegate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the manglared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll haveto stand in line for that, too."
Travel

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines fromKansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out thewindow, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs havebaby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planeshave baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of ananswer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boyasked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and bigcats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your motherthat Southwest always pulls out on time."
Travel

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"
Travel

Tith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fuckinglights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
Travel

Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".Sent by Sowmya
Travel

Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Sports

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven."Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You seethe big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin backin 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorryPeter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God'soffice. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I couldjust make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and itwas sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and tookmy ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?" "Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ballclear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifullytoward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped intoa sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." "So, that is when you took my name in vain?" "No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drovethat ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inchesof the hole..." "Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"
Sports

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees abuilding on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding herpet cat in her arms."Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat.""No," she cries, "It's too far.""I play football, I can catch him."The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves toLarry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catchit. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handedcatch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks intocheers.Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles hisknees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Sports

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he saidafterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn'tlook very convinced.Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward."Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of youwho are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
War

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
War

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON-- written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance. 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. Your most obedient servant, Wellington
War

During an Army war game, a commanding officer'sjeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some menlounging around nearby and asked them to helphim get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we'vebeen classified dead and the umpire said we couldn'tcontribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag acouple of those dead bodies over here and throw themunder the wheels to give us some traction."
War

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"
War

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"
War

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second. That should do it. Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted toten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn'topen. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet thatgoddamn truck won't be there either!"
War

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
War

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death.Dihydrogen monoxide:1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patientsCONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and thecontaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has causedmillions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recentlyCalifornia.Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:- as an industrial solvent and coolant- in nuclear power plants- in the production of styrofoam- as a fire retardant- in many forms of cruel animal research- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food productsCompanies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can bedone to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact onwildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!The American government has refused to ban the production anddistribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health ofthis nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations areconducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollardevices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds ofmilitary research facilities receive tons of it through a highlysophisticated underground distribution network. Many store largequantities for later use.IT'S NOT TOO LATE!Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
Science

Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetryin which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes andbold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably GreenEggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower WithMommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under thepseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freudin a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two youngchildren understand their own frustrated sexuality.The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through thewindow of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, alarge tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, tauntingthe children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexualyearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to themost unlearned reader, the blatant references to theincestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss'sprobing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs.The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging inwhat he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point,the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents theprevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children,and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangersassociated with the unleashing of the primal urges. Inresponse to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquaticnaysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,"Down with morality; down with God!"After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterloggedChrist figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons ofWestern culture, most notably two books, representing the Oldand New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironicreference to maternal loss the two children experienced whentheir mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroicId adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thuscompletes the Oedipal triangle.Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora'sbox, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche thatserves as the conscious mediator between the person andreality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to rewardand punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience,and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look atthis trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses thechildren as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks thereader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superegoallow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, ormore symbolically, control their lives. This rampagecontinues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that themother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle thatexisted before her abandonment of the children. At thispoint, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device whichrepresents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to putthe two youngsters' lives back in order.With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reducesFreud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to aneasily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice ofwords is equally impressive and serves as a splendidcounterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing styleis quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible toput down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and onecan read it in five minutes or less, it is not until aftermultiple readings that the genius of this modern day masterbecomes apparent.
Science

Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
Science

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below)1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologicprotuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement ofa sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact sizeof which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended,sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of hisanatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the teamperformed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction takenby the first member.2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: oneresearcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unableto consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocalarrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viandsunder consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container ofthe viands devoid of contents.3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supportingstructural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involvedin ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritualobservance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into thesaccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followedby removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made adeclarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as ayoung male human.4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuitywere observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of anagriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triplecaudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally usedfor the subdivision of edible tissue.5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a smallimmature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of whichreflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal tothat mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, theprobability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the samepathway.6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, wasquestioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land usedfor production of various types of flora. The tract components wereenumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanincgrowth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after.2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so.......(I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean.3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!"4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice.5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row.
Science

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics.We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below.Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional tothe Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the DistanceBetween Them.Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute ElectricallyCharged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred MillionMiles per Hour.Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossiblefor the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where ThisProduct Is and How Fast It Is Moving.Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through aProcess Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappearfrom Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in theUniverse, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will NotBe Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain SuggestedVersions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting ThisProduct May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred MillionYears.This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This MerchandiseShould Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion WillResult.Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any MannerWhatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That ThisProcess Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Togetherby a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and WhoseAdhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of99.9999999999% Empty Space.New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May TechnicallyBe Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, theConsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above andBeyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the SevenNew Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That TheyCannot Be Detected.Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When theConsumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist orWill Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in EveryMeasurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, SinceIts Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to theUser.Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, IncludingThis Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally SmallSpace. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence ofThis Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.
Science

Save the Yeasts EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, APPROXIMATELY 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE KILLED. Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked."A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't." +------------------------------------+ | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales | | Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 | +------------------------------------+============================================================================ SPONSORED BY Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) Student Bakers for Social Responsibility Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters============================================================================ Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!" This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
Science

Technical Night Before Christmas 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
Science

New scientific theoriesHONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the Englishlanguage is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in onegeographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"his car and invest in "erl wells."
Science

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible." "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
Science

An academic problemIn a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Science

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist."I'm in love with my horse," he said."But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.""Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.""Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?""Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"
Science

|In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).5. I will not climb the [xxx].Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food7. I will not hide [xxx].Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear9. [xxx] is not cat food.Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea10. [xxx] is not a bed.The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
Animal Jokes

|Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.Source:GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990
Animal Jokes

|A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door."An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb."Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog."Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher."He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
Animal Jokes

|9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog." 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Animal Jokes

|A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".
Animal Jokes

|INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Animal Jokes

|John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.""But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?""Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Bar Jokes

|The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Bar Jokes

|John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rtThe officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Bar Jokes

|A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Bar Jokes

|A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Blonde Jokes

|A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Blonde Jokes

|A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Blonde Jokes

|Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

|Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
Blonde Jokes

|Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Doctor Jokes

|A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Lawyer Jokes

|A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain."I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000.""I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'.""I'll take it," the attorney said.
Lawyer Jokes

|An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Lawyer Jokes

|A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"
Lawyer Jokes

|One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".
Lawyer Jokes

|Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
Lawyer Jokes

|A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.""Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
Lawyer Jokes

|After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.""I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
Lawyer Jokes

|One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back."I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
Lawyer Jokes

|The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness."Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir.""How far away were you when the accident happened?""I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.""Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance
Lawyer Jokes

|Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer 1-) Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. 2-) When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other. 3-) Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 4-) Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie. A prison guard is shaving your head.
Lawyer Jokes

|On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Aviation Jokes

|While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window."Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Aviation Jokes

|"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
Aviation Jokes

|One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Aviation Jokes

|It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
Aviation Jokes

|Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
Aviation Jokes

|Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
Aviation Jokes

|Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Aviation Jokes

|Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Aviation Jokes

|An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Aviation Jokes

|As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Aviation Jokes

|One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Common Jokes

|An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.The Japanese team won by a mile.Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
Business Jokes

|Dear Sir,I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
Business Jokes

|Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready.Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out.The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy.The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking.Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide.If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there.If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
Business Jokes

|An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Business Jokes

|Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
Business Jokes

|An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter."It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
Business Jokes

|Top reasons to study Economics1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands." 2. Economists can supply it on demand. 3. You can talk about money without every having to make any. 4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out. 5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there. 6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE". 7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue. 8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility. 9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
Business Jokes

|Economic computer virusesINTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine. MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened. MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense." CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better. SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt. NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback. ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives
Business Jokes

|The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
Military Jokes

|An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Military Jokes

|A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Military Jokes

|Lease a Nuke!Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement. Why lease? By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too. Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously. Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers? Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action. With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army. The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability. The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives. Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger. Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power. Dr. Nuketopia, Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy (Opinions strictly reflect the party line)
Military Jokes

|Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds."My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues."I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one."Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness.""Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," Baker replied...
Military Jokes

|The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's MassacreVariety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"Pravda: "Big Red Victory."Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"
Military Jokes

|Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
Military Jokes

|A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir." "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
Military Jokes

|This is Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?"Because that's the way it's always been around here."That's how Army policy begins...
Military Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.
Military Jokes

|China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,? Fully responsible" for today?s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet. "I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron. Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident. China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology. Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots. "The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying. Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.
Military Jokes

|A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced."Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Military Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so denseThat nothing that flew could slip through our defense.When out of the klaxon arose such a clatterI dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded."Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.So we sent out some recon to look for debris,Yet all that they found, both on land and on seaWere some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.There are unhappy kids in each village and town.For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evadeAll the web of defenses we've carefully made.But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
Military Jokes

|As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?""Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
Military Jokes

|An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?""Sure. That's easy," said one man."What is it?""H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.""What, what?" reasked the instructor."H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Military Jokes

|A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 * 1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo. 2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide. 3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart. 4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member. 5) Marines don't wear dungarees. 6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect. 7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!'' 8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat. 9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.'' 10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima 11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying. 12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues. 13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore. 14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs. 15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar. 16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House. 19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up. 20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES. 21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors! 22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill! 23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea) 24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat. 25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot. 26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
Military Jokes

|Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly."Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked."Yeth." lisped the farmer.Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Farming Jokes

|The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst."Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them.""Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Farming Jokes

|A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
Farming Jokes

|A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Farming Jokes

|A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Farming Jokes

|While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Camping Jokes

|Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
Camping Jokes

|One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
Camping Jokes

|Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Camping Jokes

|A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him."Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.i||3galr3pr0duct|on0fa!h!a!j0k3s"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!""Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
Camping Jokes

|Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
Camping Jokes

|A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.
Doctor Jokes

|Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.""NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
Doctor Jokes

|The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.14. Bad cop. No donut.13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?9. I pay your salary8. So uh, you on the take or what?7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Police Jokes

|Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
Police Jokes

|Prison life versus a full-time jobIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.In prison you get three meals a day.At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.In prison you get time off for good behavior.At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.In prison you can watch TV and play games.At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.At work you are just ball-and-chained.In prison you get your own toilet.At work you have to share.In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.At work there are some programs you can never get out of.In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.At work we have managers.
Police Jokes

|Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Police Jokes

|Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Police Jokes

|Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Police Jokes

|John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Police Jokes

|This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating. Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well. The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else! He had to turn himself in that same day.
Police Jokes

|"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.""If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.""So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?""Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?""Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.""The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?""Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.""Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.""No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.""Just how big were those two beers?"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Police Jokes

|1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
Police Jokes

|A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?""No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
Police Jokes

|Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
Police Jokes

|While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
Police Jokes

|By Barbara Florio GrahamFrom McCall's, June, 1983I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;split a large combination pizza with three friends;think Oreo cookies are for kids;nibble cashews one at a time;think that doughnuts are indigestible;read books they have to hold with both hands;become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;lose their appetites when they're depressed;think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;throw out stale potato chips;will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;think banana splits are for kids.
Food Jokes

|Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Food Jokes

|BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889." Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot. Next, we rewrite the text: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Language Jokes

|Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.Just compare heart, beard, and heard,Dies and diet, lord and word,Sword and sward, retain and Britain.(Mind the latter, how it's written.)Now I surely will not plague youWith such words as plaque and ague.But be careful how you speak:Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low,Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.Hear me say, devoid of trickery,Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,Exiles, similes, and reviles;Scholar, vicar, and cigar,Solar, mica, war and far;One, anemone, Balmoral,Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;Gertrude, German, wind and mind,Scene, Melpomene, mankind.Billet does not rhyme with ballet,Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.Blood and flood are not like food,Nor is mould like should and would.Viscous, viscount, load and broad,Toward, to forward, to reward.And your pronunciation's OKWhen you correctly say croquet,Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,Friend and fiend, alive and live.Ivy, privy, famous; clamourAnd enamour rhyme with hammer.River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,Doll and roll and some and home.Stranger does not rhyme with anger,Neither does devour with clangour.Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,And then singer, ginger, linger,Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.Query does not rhyme with very,Nor does fury sound like bury.Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.Though the differences seem little,We say actual but victual.Refer does not rhyme with deafer.Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.Mint, pint, senate and sedate;Dull, bull, and George ate late.Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,Science, conscience, scientific.Liberty, library, heave and heaven,Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.We say hallowed, but allowed,People, leopard, towed, but vowed.Mark the differences, moreover,Between mover, cover, clover;Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,Chalice, but police and lice;Camel, constable, unstable,Principle, disciple, label.Petal, panel, and canal,Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,Senator, spectator, mayor.Tour, but our and succour, four.Gas, alas, and Arkansas.Sea, idea, Korea, area,Psalm, Maria, but malaria.Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.Doctrine, turpentine, marine.Compare alien with Italian,Dandelion and battalion.Sally with ally, yea, ye,Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.Say aver, but ever, fever,Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.Heron, granary, canary.Crevice and device and aerie.Face, but preface, not efface.Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.Large, but target, gin, give, verging,Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.Ear, but earn and wear and tearDo not rhyme with here but ere.Seven is right, but so is even,Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!Is a paling stout and spikey?Won't it make you lose your wits,Writing groats and saying grits?It's a dark abyss or tunnel:Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,Islington and Isle of Wight,Housewife, verdict and indict.Finally, which rhymes with enough --Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?Hiccough has the sound of cup.My advice is to give up!
Language Jokes

|Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Nike virus: Just Does It!Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Computing Jokes

|One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Computing Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through, It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself. Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!The above document was written by Chet Raymo.
Computing Jokes

|OFFICE MEMODate: 1/18/96SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE ITStock Price Increases 50%"We'll do it better," Says MicrosoftCUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.
Computing Jokes

|WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.
Computing Jokes

|Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system. Thou shalt not hack.
Computing Jokes

| Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.""No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.""Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Computing Jokes

|Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.Bug WarningHusband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.
Computing Jokes

|Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A "Don't remind me again" button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.Bug warningWife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Computing Jokes

|There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it. There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between. The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone. After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.Part Two: Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole. Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust. All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them. Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name. Part Three: All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream. Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
Computing Jokes

|EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-ShiftEMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly SwappingEMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes SimplerEMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and SurrealEMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate SalesEMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely StupifiedEMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy ScreenEMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer StorageEMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the SystemEMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete SimplicityEMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations SurviveEMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court StallmanEMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered SillyEMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause SenilityEMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical SolutionsEMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial SinsEMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered SuperfluousEMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of SoftwareEMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are SimpleEMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised ScrewupsEMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly SuppressedEMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and SegmentationEMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist SubversionEMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed SimpletonsEMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command StructuresEMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and StupifiesEMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands StinkEMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer ScientistsEMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff priceEMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably SmallerEMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts SalesEMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is SuperiorEMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control SystemEMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and SupportersEMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes SimplerEMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete SubmissionEMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy SickosEMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely SlowEMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever SeenEMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- ShellsEMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete SimplicityEMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and SegmentationEMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler SeizuresEMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of SaturdaysEMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing SimpleEMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable ShellEMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer StoryEMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely ScrewedEMACS: Each Mail A Continued SurpriseEMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-SuckingEMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled SuccessfullyEMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer SoftwareEMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow
Computing Jokes

|IBM: It's Being MendedIBM: Inmense Ball of MuckIBM: I Believe in MemorexIBM: It's Better than Macintosh!IBM: Idiots Built MeIBM: Intense Bowel MovementIBM: Inferior But Marketable?IBM: I've Been MisleadIBM: It's Better ManuallyIBM: Infinitly Better MacintoshIBM: Indefinitly Boggled MachineIBM: I Bought a MacIBM: I Blame Microsoft.IBM: I Bought MacintoshIBM: I'll Buy MacintoshIBM: I've Been MovedIBM: I've Been MuggedIBM: Incontinent Bowel MovementIBM: Identical Blue MenIBM: Idiotic Bit MasherIBM: Idiots Become ManagersIBM: Incompatible Business MachinesIBM: Incredibly Boring MachineIBM: Infernal Bloody MonopolyIBM: Institute of Black MagicIBM: Internal Beaurocratic MessIBM: International Brotherhood of MagiciansIBM: Intolerant of Beards and MustachesIBM: It'll Be MessyIBM: It's Backwards, ManIBM: Itty Bitty MachinesIBM: Itty Bitty MoronsIBM: It Barely MovesIBM: I Buy MainframesIBM compatible - IBM contemptible
Computing Jokes

|AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button."I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language."It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read a book."Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the backgroundThere are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process."A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.
Computing Jokes

|ADA: A Dumb ArrangementADA: A Dumb AcronymADA: A Dumb AnnoyanceBASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic CodersBASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical CodeBASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite ConfusionC: CrudC: ConfusingCOBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused LanguageCOBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated LanguageCOBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated LanguagesCOBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunaticsCOBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our LethargyCOBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our LoathingCOBOL: Compiles Only Because Of LuckCOBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized LanguageCOBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed LunaticsFORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverlandLISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid ParenthesesLISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous ParenthesesPASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
Computing Jokes

|Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
Computing Jokes

|AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non-zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch AnywhereBAC Branch to Alpha CentauriBAD Branch And DieBAD Branch to Auto DestructBAF Blow All FusesBAH Branch And HangBALC Branch And Link CheeseburgerBAP Branch And PuntBAW Bells And WhistlesBB Branch on BugBBBB Byte Baudy Bit and BranchBBBF Branch on Bit Bucket FullBBD Branch on Bastille DayBBI Branch on Burned-out IndicatorBBIL Branch on Burned-out Indicator LightBBLB Branch on Blinking Light BulbBBT Branch on Binary TreeBBW Branch Both WaysBCB Burp and Clear BytesBCF Branch on Chip box FullBCIL Branch Creating Infinite LoopBCR Backspace Card ReaderBCS Branch and Crash SystemBCU Be Cruel and UnusualBD Backspace DiskBD Branch to DataBDC Break Down and CryBDI Branch to Data IndirectBDM Branch and Disconnect MemoryBDT Burn Data TreeBDU Branch on Dense UserBE Branch EverywhereBEW Branch Either WayBF Belch FireBF Blow FuseBF Branch ForeverBFD Branch on Full DiskBFF Branch and Form FeedBFM Be Fruitful and MultiplyBH Branch and HangBIR Branch Inside RanchBIRM Branch on Index Register MissingBLC Branch and Loop ContinuousBLI Branch and Loop InfiniteBLM Branch, Like, MaybeBLMWM Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, ManBLP Boot from Line PrinterBLR Branch and Lose ReturnBLSH Buy Low, Sell HighBLT Break Little ThingBM Branch MaybeBMI Blow up Memory ImmediateBMI Branch on Missing IndexBMI Branch to Muncee ImmediateBMP Branch and Make PopcornBMR Branch Multiple RegistersBMUS Beam Me Up, ScottyBNA Branch to Nonexistant AddressBNCB Branch and Never Come BackBNL Become a Neo-LudditeBNR Branch for No ReasonBOB Branch On BugBOD Beat On DiskBOD Branch on Operator DesperateBOH Branch On HumidityBOH Branch on Operator HighBOHP Bribe Operator for Higher PriorityBOI Byte Operator ImmediatelyBOP Boot OPeratorBOT Branch On TreeBPB Branch on Program BugBPDI Be Polite, Don't InterruptBPIM Bury Programmer In ManualsBPL Branch PLeaseBPM Become a Psych MajorBPO Branch on Power OffBPO Branch on Power OnBPP Branch and Pull the PlugBR Byte and RunBRA Branch to Random AddressBRB BRanch on BeaverBRH BRanch and HangBRI BRanch IndefinitelyBRL BRanch and LeakBRO BRanch and OverheatBRO BRanch to OblivionBS Behave StrangelyBSC Branch on Second ComingBSC Burst Selector ChannelBSD BackSpace DiskBSI Back up Sewer ImmediateBSI Backup Sewer ImmediatelyBSM Branch and Scramble MemoryBSO Branch on Sleepy OperatorBSP BackSpace PunchBSR Branch and Stomp RegistersBSS Branch on SunSpotBSST BackSpace and Stretch TapeBTD Branch on Time of DayBTD Byte The DustBTI Blow Trumpet ImmediatelyBTJ Branch and Turn JapaneseBTO Branch To OblivionBTW Branch on Third WednesdayBU Branch UnexpectedlyBUTI Blow Up Terminal ImmediatelyBVS Branch and Veer SouthBW Branch on WhimBWC Branch When ConvenientBWF Busy, Wait ForeverBWOP BeWilder OPeratorBYDS Beware Your Dark SideBYTE BYte TEstCAC Calling All CarsCAC Cash And CarryCAF Convert ASCII to FarsiiCAI Corrupt Accounting InformationCAIL Crash After I LeaveCAR Cancel Accounts ReceivableCAT Confused And TiredCB Consult BozoCBA Compare and Branch AnywayCBBR Crash and Blow Boot Read-only memoryCBNC Close, But No CigarCBS Clobber BootStrapCC Call CalveryCC Compliment CoreCCB Chocolate Chip Byte-modeCCB Consult Crystal BallCCC Crash if Carry ClearCCCP Conditionally Corrupt Current ProcessCCD Choke Cough and DieCCD Clear Core and DumpCCR Change Channels at RandomCCS Chinese Character SetCCWR Change Color of Write RingCD Complement DiskCDC Clear Disk and CrashCDC Close Disk CoverCDIOOAZ Calm Down, It's Only Ones And ZeroesCDS Change Disk SpeedCEMU Close Eyes and Monkey with User spaceCEX Call EXterminatorCF Come From [replaces goto]CFE Call Field EngineerCFP Change and Forget PasswordCFS Corrupt File StructureCG Convert to GarbageCH Create HavocCHCJ Compare Haig to Christine JorgensenCHPAMR CHase Pointers Around Machine RoomCHSE Compare Half-words and Swap if EqualCIB Change Important ByteCIC Cash In ChipsCID Compare and Ignore DataCIMM Create Imaginary Memory MapCIZ Clear If ZeroCLBR CLoBber RegisterCLBRI CLoBber Register ImmediateCM Circulate MemoryCMD CPU Melt DownCMD Compare Meaningless DataCMI Clobber Monitor ImmediateCML Compute Meaning of LifeCMP Create Memory ProsthesisCMS Click MicroSwitchCN Compare NonsensicallyCNB Cause Nervous BreakdownCNS Call Nonexistent SubroutineCOCS Copy Object Code to SourceCOD Crash On DemandCOLB Crash for Operator's Lunch BreakCOM Clear Operator's MindCOMF COMe FromCON Call Operator NowCOS Copy Object code to Source fileCOWYHU Come Out With Your Hands UpCP Compliment ProgrammerCP%FKM CPU \(em FlaKeout ModeCP%WM CPU \(em Weird ModeCPB Create Program BugCPN Call Programmer NamesCPPR Crumple Printer Paper and RipCRASH Continue Running After Stop or HaltCRB CRash and BurnCRD Confirm Rumor by DenialCRM CReate MemoryCRM Clear Random MemoryCRN Compare with Random NumberCRN Convert to Roman NumeralsCRYPT reCuRsive encrYPt TapeCS Crash SystemCSL Curse and Swear LoudlyCSN Call Supervisor NamesCSNIO Crash System on Next I/OCSS Crash Subsidiary SystemsCSU Call Self UnconditionalCTDMR Change Tape Density, Mid RecordCTT Call Time and TemperatureCU Convert to UnaryCUC Cheat Until CaughtCVFL ConVert Floating to LogicalCVFP ConVert Fortran to PascalCVG ConVert to GarbageCVU ConVert to UnaryCWAH Create Woman And HoldCWB Carry With BorrowCWDC Cut Wires and Drop CoreCWG Chase Wild GooseCWGK Compare Watt to Genghis KhanCWIT Compare Watt to Ivan the TerribleCWM Compare Watt to MussoliniCWOM Complement Write-Only MemoryCZZC Convert Zone to Zip CodeDA Develop AmnesiaDAB Delete All BugsDAC Divide And ConquerDAD Destroy A-DiskDAO Divide And OverflowDAP De-select Active PeripheralDAUF Delete All Useless FilesDB Drop BitsDBL Desegregate Bus LinesDBR DeBase RegisterDBTP Drop Back Ten and PuntDBZ Divide By ZeroDC Degauss CoreDC Divide and ConquerDCAD Dump Core And DieDCD Drop Cards DoubleDCGC Dump Confusing Garbage to ConsoleDCI Disk Crash ImmediateDCON Disable CONsleDCR Double-precision CRashDCT Drop Cards TripleDD Destroy DiskDD Drop DiskDDC Dally During CalculationsDDOA Drop Dead On AnswerDDS Delaminate Disk SurfaceDDT Debug ProgramDDWB Deposit Directly in Waste BasketDEB Disk Eject BothDEC Decompile Executable CodeDEI Disk Eject ImmediateDEM Disk Eject MemoryDFA Disable FAnsDGO Decrement the Grades of OthersDGT Dispense Gin and TonicDHTPL Disk Head Three Point LandingDIA Develop Ineffective AddressDICE Delete Invalid Customer EngineerDIE DIsable EverythingDIF DIsable FusesDIG DIsable GravityDIH Disable Interrupts and HangDIRFO Do It Right For OnceDISC DISmount CPUDK Destroy KlingonsDKP Disavow Knowledge of ProgrammerDLN Don't Look NowDLP Drain Literal PoolDMAG Do MAGicDMNS Do what i Mean, Not what i SayDMP Destroy Memory Protect keyDMPE Decide to Major in Phys. Ed.DMPK Destroy Memory Protect KeyDMZ Divide Memory by ZeroDND Destroy Neighbor's DataDNPG Do Not Pass GoDO Divide and OverflowDO Divide and Overflow [IBM PC]DOC Drive Operator CrazyDOV Divide and OVerflowDP Destroy PeripheralsDPC Decrement Program CounterDPCS Decrement Program Counter SecretlyDPK Destroy storage Protect KeyDPMI Declare Programmer Mentally IncompetentDPN Double Precision No-opDPR Destroy PRogramDPS Disable Power SupplyDR Detach RootDRAF DRAw FlowchartDRAM Decrement RAMDRBA Deposit Round-off in my Bank AccountDRD DRop DeadDRI Disable Random InterruptDROM Destroy ROMDRT Disconnect Random TerminalDS Deadlock SystemDSD Dismount System DiskDSI Do Something InterestingDSO Disable System OperatorDSP Degrade System PerformanceDSR Detonate Status RegisterDSTD Do Something Totally DifferentDSUIT Do Something Utterly, Indescribably TerribleDT%FFP DecTape \(em unload and Flappa FlaPDT%SHO DecTape \(em Spin Hubs OppositeDTB Destructively Test BitDTC Destroy This CommandDTE Decrement Telephone ExtensionDTI Do The ImpossibleDTRT Do The Right ThingDTVFL Destroy Third Variable From LeftDU Dump UserDUD Do Until DeadDW Destroy WorldDWIM Do What I MeanDWIT Do What I'm ThinkingDWIW Do What I WantEA Enable AnythingEAC Emulate Acoustic CouplerEAL Enable AC to Logic rackEAO Enable AC to OperatorEBB Edit and Blank BufferEBB Empty Bit BucketEBR Erase Before ReadingEBRS Emit Burnt Resistor SmellEC Eat CardECF Explode and Catch FireECL Early Care LaceECO Electrocute Computer OperatorECP Erase Card PunchED Eject DiskED Execute DataEDD Eat Disk and DieEDIT Erase Data and Increment TimeEDP Emulate Debugged ProgramEDR Emit Deadly RadiationEDR Execute Destructive ReadEDS Execute Data SegmentEEOIFNO Execute Every Other Instruction From Now OnEEP Erase Entire ProgramEFB Emulate Five-volt BatteryEFD Eject Floppy DiskEFD Emulate Frisbee using Disk packEFE Emulate Fatal ErrorEHC Emulate Headless ChickenEIA Elvis Is AliveEIAO Execute In Any OrderEIO Erase I/O pageEIO Execute Invalid Op-codeEIO Execute Invalid OpcodeEIOC Execute Invalid Op-CodeEJD EJect DiskEJD%V EJect Disk \(em with initial velocity VELP Enter Loop PermenantlyEM EMulate 407EM Evacuate MemoryEMIF Erase Most Important FileEMM Emulate More MemoryEMPC EMulate Pocket CalculatorEMSE Edit and Mark Something ElseEMSL Entire Memory Shift LeftEMT Electrocute Maintenance TechnicianEMW Emulate Maytag WasherENA ENable AnythingENE ENable EverythingEND Erase Neighbor's DataENF Emit Noxious FumesENG ENable GravityENO Emulate No-OpEO Electrocute OperatorEOB Execute Operator and BranchEOI Explode On InterruptEOS Erase Operating SystemEP Execute ProgrammerEPD Explode Peripheral DeviceEPI Execute Programmer ImmediateEPITS Execute Previous Instruction Then SkipEPL Emulate Phone LineEPP Eject Printer PaperEPS Electrostatic Print and SmearEPS Execute Program SidewaysEPSW Execute Program Status WordEPT Erase Process TableEPT Erase Punched TapeERIC Eject Random Integrated CircuitERM Erase Reserved MemoryEROM Erase Read-Only MemoryEROS Erase Read-Only StorageEROS Erase Read-Only Storage [Everex int]ERS Erase Read-only StorageESB Eject Selectric BallESC Emulate System CrashESD Eject Spinning DishESL Exceed Speed of LightESP Enable SPrinkler systemETI Execute This InstructionETM Emulate Trinary MachineETPH E. T. Phone HomeEVC Execute Verbal CommandsEWD Enter Warp DriveEWM Enter Whimsy ModeEXB EXcrement and BranchEXE EXecute EngineerEXI EXecute Invalid operationEXO EXecute OperatorEXOP EXecute OPeratorEXP EXecute ProgrammerEXPP EXecute Political PrisonerFAY Fetch Amulet of YendorFB Find BugsFC Fry ConsoleFCJ Feed Card and JamFCJ Feed Cards and JamFD Forget DataFDR Feed Disk RandomlyFERA Forms Eject and Run AwayFFF Form Feed ForeverFLD FLing DiskFLI Flash Lights ImpressivelyFM Forget MemoryFMP Finish My ProgramFOPC False Out-of-Paper ConditionFPC Feed Paper ContinuouslyFPT Fire Photon TorpedoesFRG Fill with Random GarbageFRS Fetch Ring of SauronFS Feign SleepFSM Fold, Spindle, and MutilateFSR Form Skip and RunawayFSRA Forms Skip and Run AwayFYBR Follow Yellow Brick RoadGAP Grade All ProjectsGBB Go to Back of BusGCAR Get Correct Answer RegardlessGCR Generate Confusing ResultsGDP Grin Defiantly at ProgrammerGDR Grab Degree and RunGENT GENerate ThesisGEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}GFD Go Forth and DivideGFM Go Forth and MultiplyGIE Generate Irreversible ErrorGL Get LostGLC Generate Lewd CommentGMC Generate Machine CheckGMCC Generate Machine Check and CashGND Guess at Next DigitGORS GO Real SlowGPCR Generate Petty Cache RequestGR Get RealGREM Generate Random Error MessageGREP Global Ruin, Expiration, and PurgationGRMC Generate Rubber Machine CheckGS Get StrangeGSB Gulp and Store BytesGSI Generate Spurious InterruptsGSU Geometric Shift UpGTJ Go To JailHAC Hold All CallsHACF Halt And Catch FireHAH Halt And HangHBW Hang Bus and WaitHCF Halt and Catch FireHCP Hide Central ProcessorHCRS Hang in CRitical SectionHDH Hi Dee HoHDO Halt and Disable OperatorHDRW Halt and Display Random WordHELP Hinder Everyone with Little ProductivityHELP Type 'No Help Available'HEO Halt and Execute OperatorHF Hide FileHGD Halt, Get DrunkHHB Halt and Hang BusHIS Halt in Imposible StateHOO Hide Operator's OutputHRPR Hang up and Ruin Printer RibbonHSC Halt on System CrashHSJ Halt, Skip and JumpHTC Halt and Toss CookiesHTS Halt and Throw SparksHUAL Halt Until After LunchHUP Hang Up PhoneHWP Halt Without ProvocationIA Illocical AndIAE Ignore All ExceptionsIAI Inquire And IgnoreIAND Illogical ANDIAR Ignore All RequestsIB Insert BugIBM Increment and Branch to MunceeIBP Insert Bug and ProceedIBR Insert Bugs at RandomICB Interrupt, Crash and BurnICM Immerse Central MemoryICMD Initiate Core Melt DownICR Incur Costly Repair [Sun Tempest]ICSP Invert Crt Screen PictureIDC Initiate Destruct CommandIDI Invoke Divine InterventionIDNOP InDirect No-OPIDPS Ignore Disk Protect SwitchIEOF Ignore End Of FileIF Invoke ForceIGI Increment Grade ImmediateIGIT Increment Grade Immediate TwiceIGO Increment Grade OvernightIHC Initiate Head CrashIHTFP Increment Hormones, Test For PubertyII Inquire and IgnoreIIB Ignore Inquiry and BranchIIC Insert Invisible CharactersIIL Irreversable Infinite LoopIM Imagine MemoryIMBP Insert Mistake and Blame ProgrammerIMP Imitate Monty PythonIMPG IMPress GirlfriendIMV IMpress VisitorsINCAM INCrement Arbitrary MemoryING INquire and iGnoreINI Ignore Next InstructionINOP Indirect No-OPINR INstigate RumorINW INvalidate WarrantyIOI Ignore Operator's InstructionIOR Illogical ORIOS Ignore Operating SystemIP Increment and PrayIPI Ignore Previous InstructionIPM Ignore Programmer's MistakesIPOP Interrupt Processor, Order PizzaIPS Incinerate Power SupplyIPS Increment Power SupplyIPT Ignite Paper TapeIRB Invert Record and BranchIRBI Insert Random Bits IndexedIRC Insert Random CommandsIRE Insert Random ErrorsIRI Ignore Rude InterruptsIRPF Infinite Recursive Page FaultISC Ignore Supervisor CallsISC Ignore System CrashISC Insert Sarcastic CommentsISI Increment and Skip on InifinityISP Increment and Skip on PiISTK Invert STacKITML Initiate Termites into Macro LibraryIU Ignore User[s]IXOR Illogical eXclusive ORIZ Ignore ZeroesJAA Jump Almost AlwaysJBS Jump and Blow StackJCI Jump to Current InstructionJFM Jump on Full MoonJHRB Jump to H&R BlockJLP Jump and Lose PointerJLR Jump and Lose ReturnJMAT JuMp on Alternate ThursdaysJN Jump to NowhereJNL Jump when programmer is Not LookingJOB Jump On BeaverJOM Jump Out of MemoryJOM Jump Over MoonJOP Jump OPeratorJPA Jump when Pizza ArrivesJRAN Jump RANdomJRCF Jump Relative and Catch FireJRGA Jump Relative and Get ArrestedJRL Jump to Random LocationJRSR Jump to Random SubRoutineJSC Jump on System CrashJSOR Jump Somewhere Over RainbowJSU Jump Self UnconditionalJT Jump if TuesdayJTT Jump and Tangle TapeJTZ Jump to Twilight ZoneJWN Jump When NecessaryKCE Kill Consultant on ErrorKCE Kill repairman [CE]KDO Knock Disk OverKEPITU Kill Every Process In The UniverseKOP Kill OPeratorKP Krunch PaperKPR Kill PRogrammerKSR Keyboard Shift RightKUD Kill User's DataKWWE Kill Wicked Witch of EastKWWW Kill Wicked Witch of WestLAC Lose All CommunicationLAGW Load And Go WrongLAP Laugh At ProgramLAP Laugh At ProgrammerLCC Load and Clear CoreLCD Launch Cartridge DiskLCK Lock Console KeyswitchLEB Link Edit BackwardsLIA Load Ineffective AddressLMB Lose Message and BranchLMO Load and Mug OperatorLMYB Logical MaYBeLN Lose inode NumberLNP Load N digits of PiLOSM Log Off System ManagerLP%PAS Line Printer \(em Print And SmearLP%RDD Line Printer \(em Reverse Drum DirectionLP%TCR Line Printer \(em Tangle and Chew RibbonLPA Lead Programmer AstrayLPRTC Load Program counter from Real Time ClockLR Load RevolverLRA Load RetroActivelyLRB Lose Record and BranchLRD Load Random DataLSPSW Load and Scramble PSWLTS Link To SputnikLTS Loop Till SmokesLUM LUbricate MemoryLWE Load WhatEverLWM Load Write-only MemoryMAB Melt Address BusMAN Make Animal NoisesMAZ Multiply Answer by ZeroMBC Make Batch ConfettiMBF Multiply and Be FruitfulMBH Memory Bank Hold-upMBTD Mount Beatles on Tape DriveMBTOL Move Bug To Operator's LunchMC Move ContinuousMD Move DeviousMDB Move and Drop BitsMDC Make Disk CrashMDDHAF Make Disk Drive Hop Across FloorMFO Mount Female OperatorMILI Move It or Lose ItMLB Memory Left shift and BranchMLP Make Lousy ProgramMLP Multiply and Lose PrecisionMLR Move and Lose RecordMMF Melt Main FrameMMLG Make Me Look GoodMNI Misread Next InstructionMOG Make Operator GrowlMOP Modify Operator's PersonalityMPLP Make Pretty Light PatternMRZ Make Random ZapMSGD Make Screen Go DimMSP Mistake Sign for ParityMSPI Make Sure Plugged InMSR Melt Special RegisterMST Mount Scotch TapeMTE Mangle Tape on ExitMTI Make Tape InvalidMUG Make Ugly GraphicsMUM Multi-Use MnemonicsMW Malfunction WheneverMW Multiply WorkMWC Move and Wrap CoreMWT Malfunction Without TellingNBC Negate By ClearingNCW Notch Carriage and WayNMI Negate Most IntegersNOP Needlessly Omit PointerNPC Normalize Program CounterNPN No Program Necessary [VAX]NTGH Not Tonight, i've Got a HeadacheOBB Overflow Bit BucketOCF Open Circular FileOMC Obscene Message to ConsoleOMC Overheat Memory ChipOML Obey Murphy's LawsOPI Order Pizza ImmediatelyOPP Order Pizza for ProgrammerOSI Overflow Stack ImmediateOSI Overflow Stack IndefiniteOSP Open Six-PackOTL Out To LunchOU Offend UserP$*! Punch ObscenityPA Punch in ASCIIPAL Pack And LeavePAS Print And SmearPAUD PAUse DramaticallyPAZ Pack Alpha ZonePAZ Pack Alpha and drop ZonesPBC Print and Break ChainPBD Print and Break DrumPBL Pack Bags and LeavePBM Pop Bubble MemoryPBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag PleasePBST Play Batch mode Star TrekPCB Pause for Coffee BreakPCD PunCh DiskPCI Pleat Cards ImmediatePCR Print and Cut RibbonPCS Push to Centre of StackPD Play DeadPD Punch DiskPDLD Power Down and Lock Door [to computer room]PDSK Punch DiSKPEHC Punch Extra Holes in CardsPEP Print on Edge of PaperPFD Punt on Fourth DownPFE Print Floating EyePFML Print Four Million LinesPG Print GarbagePHO Pull Hair OutPI Punch InvalidPIBM Pretend to be an IBMPIC Print Illegible CharactersPIC Print Invalid CharacterPIC Punch Invalid CharacterPLSC Perform Light Show on ConsolePNIH Place Needle In HaystackPNRP Print Nasty Replies to ProgrammerPO Punch OperatorPOCL Punch Out Console LightsPOG Print Only GreekPOP Pop Or PushPOPI Punch OPerator ImmediatePOPN Punch OPerator's NosePPA Print Paper AirplanesPPC Purge Pascal Compiler [HP 3000]PPL Perform Perpetual LoopPPP Print Programmer's PicturePPR Play Punk RockPPSW Pack Program Status WordPPSW Pack Progran Status WordPRS PRint and SmearPSP Print and Shred PaperPSR Print and Shred RibbonPTP Produce Toilet PaperPUO Perform Unknown OperationPVLC Punch Variable Length CardPWP Print Without PaperPWS create PoWer SurgePYS Program YourSelfQBDH Quit and Become a DeadHeadQWYA Quit While Your AheadRA Randomize AnswerRAM Randomly Access MemoryRAM Read Ambiguous MemoryRAN RANdom opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]RASC Read And Shred CardRAST Read And Shred TapeRAU Ridicule All UsersRBAO Ring Bell and Annoy OperatorRBLY Restore Back-up from Last YearRBT Read Blank TapeRBT Rewind and Break TapeRC Rewind CoreRCAJ Read Card And JamRCB Read Command BackwardsRCB Run Clock BackwardsRCC Read Card and ChewRCCP Randomly Corrupt Current ProcessRCF Rewind Cabinet FansRCKG Read Count Key and GarbageRCL Rotate Carry LeftRCP Reschedule Car PaymentsRCR Rewind Card ReaderRCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse VideoRCS Read Card and Scramble dataRCSD Read Card and Scramble DataRD Randomize DataRD Reverse DirectionsRDA Refuse to Disclose AnswerRDB Replace Database with BlanksRDB Run Disk BackwardsRDD Reverse Disk DriveRDDBF Rock Disk Drive Back and ForthRDEB Read and Drop Even number of BitsRDF Randomize Directory FilenamesRDI Reverse Drum ImmediateRDI Reverse Drun ImmediateRDI Rewind Disk ImmediateRDR Reverse Disk RotationRDS ReaD SidewaysRENVR REName Variables RandomlyRET Read and Erase TapeRF Read FingerprintsRG Record GarbageRHNEZ Randomize and Halt if Not Equal to ZeroRHO Randomize and Hold all OutputRIC Rotate Illogical thru CarryRID Read Invalid DataRIG Read Inter-record GapRIOP Rotate I/O PortsRIR Read Invalid RecordRIRG Read Inter-Record GapRJE Return Jump and ExplodeRLC Relocate and Lose CoreRLC Reread Last CardRLC Rotate Left with CarolynRLI Rotate Left IndefinitelyRLP Refill Light PenRLP Rewind Line PrinterRM Ruin My filesRMI Randomize Memory ImmediateRMM Read Manager's MindRMT ReMove TrapRMV Remove Memory VirtuesRN Read NoiseRNBS Reflect Next Bus SignalRNR Read Noise RecordROC Randomize Op CodesROC Rotate Outward from CenterROD ROtate DiagonallyROM Read Operator's MindROO Rub Out OperatorROOP Run Out Of PaperROPF Read Other People's FilesROS Reject Operating SystemROS Return On ShieldRP Read PrinterRPB Raise Parity BitsRPB Read Print and BlushRPB Reverse Parity and BranchRPBR Reverse Parity and BRanchRPC Rotate Program CounterRPM Read Programmer's MindRPU Read character and Print UpsidedownRRC Rotate Random thru CarryRRR Randomly Rotate RegisterRRR Read Record and Run awayRRR Read Record and Run-awayRRRL Random Rotate Register LeftRRRR Random Rotate Register RightRRSTC Return on Ruby Slippers Triple-ClickRRT Record and Rip TapeRS Random SlewRSD on Read error Self-DestructRST Rewind and Stretch TapeRSTOM Read from STore-Only MemoryRT Reduce ThroughputRTP Reduce ThroughPutRTS Return To SenderRVAC Return from VACationRWC ReWind and Crash headsRWCR ReWind Card ReaderRWD ReWind DiskRWE Run Without ErrorRWF Read Wrong FileRWT Read/Write while stretching TapeSA Store AnywhereSAD Search And DestroySAI Skip All InstructionsSAK Snooze At KeyboardSAS Show Appendix ScarSAS Sit And SpinSBE Swap Bits ErraticallySBF Skip on Bitbucket FullSC Scramble ChannelsSC Shred CardsSCB Spindle Card and BelchSCCA Short Circuit on Correct AnswerSCD Shuffle and Cut DecSCH Slit Cards HorizontalSCI Shred Cards ImmediateSCM Set for Crash ModeSCOM Set Cobol-Only ModeSCP SCatter PrinterSCRRC SCRamble Register ContentsSCST Switch Channel to Star TrekSCTR Stick Card To ReaderSD Scramble DirectorySD Slip DiskSDC Spool Disk to ConsoleSDD Seek and Destroy DataSDD Spin Disk DrySDDB Snap Disk Drive BeltSDE Solve Differential EquationsSDI Self Destruct ImmediateSDM Search and Destroy MemorySDR Slam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]SEB Stop Eating and BurpSEOB Set Every Other BitSESUR Sing Elvis Songs Until he ReturnsSEX Set EXecution registerSEX Sign EXtendSFH Set Flags to Half-mastSFP Send For PizzaSFR Send For ReinforcementsSFT Stall For TimeSFTT Strip Form Tractor TeethSHAB SHift A BitSHABM SHift A Bit MoreSHB Stop and Hang BusSHCD SHuffle Card DeckSHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent no-op]SHR SHift RandomSHRC SHRed CardSHRT SHRed TapeSID Switch to Infinite DensitySIP Store Indefinite PrecisionSJV Scramble Jump VectorsSLP Sharpen Light PenSMC Scramble Memory ContentsSMD Spontaneous Memory DumpSMR Skip on Meaningless ResultSMS Shred Mylar SurfaceSNARF System Normalize And Reset FlagsSNM Show No MercySNO Send Nukes on OverflowSOAWP SOlve All the World'd ProblemsSOB Stew On BrewSOD Surrender Or DieSOL Shift On LowSOP Stop and Order PizzaSOS Sign Off, StupidSOT Sit On a TackSP Scatter PrintSPA Sliding Point ArithmeticSPB Simulate Peanut ButterSPD SPin DiskSPS Set Panel SwitchesSPSW Scramble Program Status WordSQPWYC Sit Quietly and Play With Your CrayonsSRBO Set Random Bits to OnesSRBZ Set Random Bits to ZeroesSRC Select Random ChannelSRC Select Reader and Chew cardsSRCC Select Reader and Chew CardsSRD Switch to Random DensitySRDR Shift Right Double RidiculousSRO Sort with Random OrderingSROS Store in Read-Only StorageSRR Shift Registers RandomSRSD Seek Record and Scar DiskSRSD Seek Record and Scratch DiskSRTC Stop Real-Time ClockSRU Signoff Random UserSRZ Subtract and Reset to ZeroSSB Scramble Status ByteSSD Scratch System DiskSSD Stacker Select DiskSSD Stop and Scratch Disk [3815]SSJ Select Stacker and JamSSJP Select Stacker and JumPSSM Solve by Supernatural MeansSSM Stacker Select MemorySSP Seek SPindleSSP Smoke and SParkSST Seek and Stretch TapeSSW Scramble Status WordST Set and TestSTA STore AnywhereSTC Slow To a CrawlSTD Stop, Take DrugsSTM STretch MagtapeSTM Skip on Third MondaySTO Strangle Tape OperatorSTPR SToP RainSTRIKE STRIKE for more pay, better hours, etc.STROM STore in Read-Only MemorySTTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred BaudSUIQ Subtract User's IQSUME SUprise MESUP Shred User PrintoutSUP Solve Unsolvable ProblemSUS Stop Until SpringSUS Subtract Until SenselessSWAT SWAp TerminalsSWN SWap NibblesSWOS Store in Write-Only StorageSWS Sort to Wrong SlotsSWT Select Wrong TerminalSWU Select Wrong UnitSWZN Skip Whether Zero or NotSZD Switch to Zero DensityTAH Take A HikeTAI Trap Absurd InputsTARC Take Arithmetic Review CourseTBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To GoTC Transmit ColorsTDB Transfer and Drop BitsTDRB Test and Destroy Random BitsTDS Trash Data SegmentTET Triple Execution Time [SUN]TLNF Teach me a Lesson i'll Never ForgetTLO Turn indicator Lights OffTLW Transfer and Lose WayTN Take a NapTOAC Turn Off Air ConditionerTOG Take Out GarbageTOG Time Out, GraduateTOH Take Operator HostageTOO Turn On/off OperatorTOP Trap OPeratorTOS Trash Operating SystemTOW Take Over WorldTPD Terminal Printer DestructTPD Total Program DiagnosticTPD Triple Pack DecimalTPDH Tell Programmer to Do it HimselfTPF Turn Power oFfTPN Turn Power oNTPO Turn Power OffTPR Tear PapeRTR Turn into RubbishTRA Te Rdls Arvs [type ridiculous abbreviations]TRD TRansfer and Drop bitTSH Trap Secretary and HaltTSM Trap Secretary and MountTST Trash System TracksTT%CN TeleType \(em Clunk NoiseTT%EKB TeleType \(em Electrify KeyBoardTTA Try, Try AgainTTIHLIC Try To Imagine How Little I CareTTITT Turn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot TapesTTL Tap Trunk LineTTL Time To LogoffTYF Trust Your FeelingsUA Unload AccumulatorUAI Use Alternate Instruction setUAPA(AM) Use All Power Available (And More)UCB Uncouple CPU and BranchUCIP Update Card In PlaceUCK Unlock Console KeyswitchUCLB Uncouple Comm Lines and BranchUCM Uncouple CoMm lines and branchUCPUB Uncouple CPUs and BranchUDR Update and Delete RecordUER Update and Erase RecordUFO Unidentified Flag OperationULDA UnLoaD AccumulatorUMR Unlock Machine RoomUNPD UNPlug and DumpUOP Useless OPerationUP Understand Program[mer]UPA Use all Power AvailableUPC Understand Program[mer]'s CommentsUPI Undo Previous InstructionURB Update, Resume and BranchUTF Unwind Tape onto FloorUTF Use The ForceUUBR Use Undefined Base RegisterVAX Violate All eXecutionsVFE Violate Field EngineerVFO Violate Female OperatorVMA Violate Maintenance AgreementVNO Violate Noise OrdinanceVPA Vanishing Point ArithmeticVVM Vaporize Virtual MemoryWAD Walk Away in DisgustWAT WAste TimeWBB Write to the Bit BucketWBT Water Binary TreeWC Waste CoreWCR Write to Card ReaderWDR Warp disk DRiveWED Write and Erase DataWEMG Write Eighteen Minute GapWF Wait ForeverWGPB Write Garbage in Process-control BlockWHFO Wait until Hell Freezes OverWHP Wave Hands over ProgramWI Why ImmediateWI Write IllegiblyWID Write Invalid DataWMC Write Millions of CommentsWNAM We Need A MiracleWNHR Write New Hit RecordWNR Write Noise RecordWP Write PoopWPET Write Past End of TapeWPM Write Programmer's MindWSE Write Stack EverywhereWSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous WaysWUPO Wad Up Printer OutputWWLR Write Wrong Length RecordWWR Write Wrong RecordXXIO eXecute Invalid OpcodeXXKF eXecute Kermit the FrogXXM eXclusive MaybeXXMB eXclusive MayBeXXOH eXecute no-Op and HangXXOR eXecute OpeRatorXXOS eXchange Operator's SexXXPR eXecute PRogrammerXXPSW eXecute Program Status WordXXSP eXecute Systems ProgrammerXXVF eXchange Virtue for FunYAB Yet Another BugYASE Yet Another Stupid ErrorZAP Zero and Add PackedZAR Zero Any RegisterZD Zap DirectoryZEOW Zero Every Other WordZPI ZaP Immediate
Computing Jokes

|10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."This document copyright A? 1999 by Chris White.
Computing Jokes

|Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
Computing Jokes

|Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons."So, how is everything going?" God asked.Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"That was the demo," replied God.
Computing Jokes

|MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Computing Jokes

|Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Computing Jokes

|Real software engineers eat quiche. Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days. Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure. Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet. Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these). Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function. Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about. Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
Computing Jokes

|Log on - Adding a log to your wood stoveLog off - Don't add a log to your wood stoveMonitor - Keep an eye on the wood stoveMegahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morningFloppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stoveRam - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter workDrive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stoveHard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow stormPrompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow seasonEnter - Come on inWindows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 belowScreen - What is a must during black fly seasonChip - What you munch during a football gamesMicrochip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are goneModem - What you did to your fields last JulyDot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wifeLaptop - Where the grandkids sitKeyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find themSoftware - Plastic picnic utensilsMouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboardMainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roofPort - Where the commercial fishing boats dockRandom Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it
Computing Jokes

|Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Computing Jokes

|Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet."That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?""Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
Computing Jokes

|You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//Then enter:ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Computing Jokes

|Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented."We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products."Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own."Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.
Computing Jokes

|In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. General Protection Fault
Computing Jokes

|ORIGAMIArt of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?SMOKEUse cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.PIRANHASIf you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.MAGNETSThey are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.MAILPut a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.MAGIC TOUCHTouch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPEArchive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.DON'T MAKE BACKUPSOf course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.SUPREME STUPIDITYIt is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.
Computing Jokes

|CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
Computing Jokes

|Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."Fifteen minutes later . . .Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."Two hours pass . . .Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."Picard "Identify."Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"Over the speakers:"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Computing Jokes

|10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
Computing Jokes

|For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSee if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay it's not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTell them it's a featureSay it's not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.
Computing Jokes

|Solitaire '99Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire '98README file, v4.3Welcome!Congratulations!Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)Installation Procedure:1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray. 2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer. 3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure. 4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray. 5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions. 6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch. Playing The Game:Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98. To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs. For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates. Coming Soon:Minesweeper '99!Watch this space.[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
Computing Jokes

|NewsflashMicrosoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'. E-mail this joke to your friends!
Computing Jokes

|Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. "It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol." Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning." Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church." But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol. "Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future." Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit. Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up." So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol. "It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft." But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader. No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday. Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.
Computing Jokes

|The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
Computing Jokes

|From "Machine Design" Magazine......Byte BatAll too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."
Computing Jokes

|11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here's to my sweet Satan." 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." 3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. 2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse! 1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."
Computing Jokes

|In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition: The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem. Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step. Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants. Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light. Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks. Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt ! Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy. Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle. 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.
Computing Jokes

|The Life Cycle of SoftwareProgrammer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. See 3. See 4. See 5. See 6. See 7. See 8. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. See step 2
Computing Jokes

|Humorous Computer-Related AcronymsIBM I Blame Microsoft Idiots Buy Me Idiots Building Machines I'll Buy Macintoshes It Bit Me It Built Microsoft It's Better Manually I've Been Mislead I've Been Mugged WINDOWS Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed When I Need Data Output Without Speed While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WIN Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan Different Operating Systems ExpectationsMacintosh: What You See Is What You Get MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not Random Abbreviations for Many Computer CompaniesAPPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity DEC: Dump Everything and Close DEC: Do Expect Cuts HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic HP: Hot Pursuit IBM: I Blame Microsoft MAC: Most Absurd Computer MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. WARP: What A Rot Program Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language DOS: Defective Operating System ISDN: It Still Does Nothing LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics SCSI: System Can't See It WWW: World Wide Wait
Computing Jokes

|COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:As depicted in movies,Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others). Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
Computing Jokes

|Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.
Computing Jokes

|You've been in graphics too long if...by Chris ThornborrowMost of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time. When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects. You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering. You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?) Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel. You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine. You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed. You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON. You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems. You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language. You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky. You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time." You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200. You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200. Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric. You think being a computer geek is only half way there. You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly. When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology. You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics"). You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original). You get 75% or more of these jokes.
Computing Jokes

|SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"New York, NJ, Nov. 11 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing."There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software."It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs."We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
Computing Jokes

|Unleash the Power of Shift!Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down nowA: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?A: Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
Computing Jokes

|Microsoft vs. GMAt a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
Computing Jokes

|Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Ethnical Jokes

|Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Ethnical Jokes

|Did you know that "verb" is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? What is another word for "thesaurus"? Where do swear words come from? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word "irregardless"? Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?" Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"? Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Ethnical Jokes

|WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALKBECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNERHow to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lessonAig - What a hen laysAints - He's got aints in his paintsPaints - What cha put on your laigs of a morninArn - Ma's tard of arninBag - He bagged her to marry himBobbed - A bobbed wire fenceBresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.Bub - the light bub burned outCheer - What you set inCrick - A small streamClum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coonChiny - country over in AsiaChuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothesCore - He got hisself a new Ford coreCyow - Animal on FarmDeppity - He helps out the shurfDribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirtDainz - Satidy night socialEllum - A graceful treeFanger - What you put your rang onFaince - Whats round the hawg lotFar - What get the brandin arn hotFurred - He got furred from his jobFlar - A rose is a purdy flarFrash - Them aigs ain't frashFuriners - All non-'bamansFurther - Hits ten miles further to townGrain - She was grain with envyHail - Where bad folks goHep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.Hern - It aint hern, it's his'nHilbilly - People in the next countyHollar - Whats between the hillsHard - Got a brend new hardhand Tar - His core blew a tarLaymun - A sour fruitLaig - Most folks have two of themLather - What you climb upLiberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyowsMere - What you see your self inMinners - Live baitMisrus - Married WomanNar - Opposite of wideNayk - Your head sets on itNup - NoOrrel - Them hinges need orrelOrmy - What the sojers go inPank - A light red colorParch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass growPetition - What separate the roomsPoke - A paper bag or sackPokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in PokeSalit - A green vegetablePuppet - What the preacher is inPurdy - She is purdy as a pitcherPurt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pigRang - You wear it on your fangerRut - That there tree sure has long rutsRah cheer - I was born rah cheer in townRainch - A big cow farmRat - Do it rat now!Rench - Rench the soap yourselfRoont - She plum roont her shoesSalary - A stringy vegetableSoardeens - Small canned fishShar - A light rainGully Worsher - A medium heavy rainToad strangler - A heavy rain SodyPop - A soft drinkSprang - Water out'n the groundShurf - The Shurf put Clem in jailStorch - This here aprn has to much storch in itSkeered - that plumb skeered me to deathThanks - He shore thanks he's smartTho - Tho me the ballThoat - I shore got a sore thoatWar - A bobbed war fanceWorsh - Go worsh your faceWarter - What you worsh your face inYurp - A continent overseas
Ethnical Jokes

|Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Ethnical Jokes

|THE ORIGINAL VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.MODERN CANADIAN VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green."Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.The ant loses the case.The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.The ant has disappeared in the snow.And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.
Ethnical Jokes

|You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when.... You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday. You head south to go to your cottage. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making. You find -40C a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels. You can play road hockey on skates. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
Ethnical Jokes

|There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."
Ethnical Jokes

|Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
Ethnical Jokes

|An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
Ethnical Jokes

|Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
Mixed Jokes

|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Mixed Jokes

|Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.Log Off: Don't add no wood.Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.Byte: That's what the flies do.Chip: What to munch on.Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.Port: Fancy wine.Enter: C'mon in.Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Mixed Jokes

|Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Mixed Jokes

|Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Mixed Jokes

|A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.Alert to company developments: An office gossip.Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.Average: Not too bright.Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.Conscientious and careful: Scared.Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.Enjoys job: Needs more to do.Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.Happy: Paid too much.Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.Maintains professional attitude: A snob.Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.Not a desk person: Did not go to college.Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.Should go far: Please.Slightly below average: Stupid.Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.Takes pride in work: Conceited.Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.Uses resources well: Delegates everything.Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.Well organized: Does too much busywork.Will go far: Relative of management.Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
Mixed Jokes

|Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.
Mixed Jokes

|A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.Fault: Glass is empty.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Feet cold and wet.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom: Feet warm and wet.Fault: Loss of self-control.Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.Symptom: Bar blurred.Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Bar swaying.Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.Symptom: Bar moving.Fault: You are being carried out.Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.Fault: You have fallen over backwards.Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.Fault: You have fallen over forwards.Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.Symptom: Everything has gone dim.Fault: The pub is closing.Solution: Panic.
Mixed Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987:GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTERPASSAIC TWP. -- A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said."The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it," Van Tassel said.The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert Eagle .44, has "a lot of firepower," he said. "It's a big gun." Case used hollow-point, or dum-dum, bullets, he added.Case was surprised when police arrested him because he didn't think he was breaking the law, Van Tassel said. "He couldn't understand why he couldn't shoot his own computer in his own home," Van Tassel said.Case was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a relative. The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police.He was also charged with unlawful posession of a firearm without a permit, and with possession of illegal bullets, police said.In addition, Case was issued to summonses, for discharging a weapon in a restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police said.Case spent early Friday morning in the Morris County Jail and was released later in the day on $2,500 bail, according to police.A Municipal Court appearance is scheduled for today, Sept. 17.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops."It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go."
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you." The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Patterson, New Jersey:When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Farmer's Branch, Texas:Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old magazines.William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on Hondas, Volvos and BMWs. For the $290 price of the inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value.The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no guarantee on the marriage. Then again, the justice of the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car will break down and the marriage won't." He says he hasn't seen anything like this stunt since his days as a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at Christmas.Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas, where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe helicopter ride. He decided to borrow the concept and bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair. "Normally people don't get good news" at auto shops, he adds.The mechanic isn't concerned about his offer hastening the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the institution of marriage. After all, 30,000-mile inspections aren't inexpensive. "They're going to have to spend almost $300." he says.If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding chapels. For customers whose marriages fall apart, Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100 value.To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the shop van. But the ad began two months ago, and so far no one has taken Signs up on it. He has, however, heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call or stop to ask if the deal is real.Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000-mile point, and he's worried that his girlfriend may notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer. To avoid that, he says he's considering disabling his odometer.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Seattle, Washington:The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Moscow, Russia:First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.St. Paul, MNThe hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut."I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."The man ran. Ryan called 911.Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Bangkok, ThailandA member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses."We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.New York, NYPolice across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill."People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'" said an investigator.
Real Jokes

|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Gender Jokes

|Reason's why it's great to be a woman Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Gender Jokes

|Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. Same work....more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. ESPN's sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.
Gender Jokes

|Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Gender Jokes

|New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non-Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way
Gender Jokes

|How to be politically correct with womenShe is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Gender Jokes

|Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.It's an appointment! Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated! Which insect didn't play well in goal?The fumble bee! What did the bumble bee striker say?Hive scored! What is black and white and black and white and black and white?A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill! What are Brazilian fans called?Brazil nuts! Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?He was the skipper! How do hens encourage their football teams?They egg them on!
Sport Jokes

| true story, according to the LA Times.....Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
Sport Jokes

|Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds?A: A humburger!Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?A: A bee in a submarine!Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool?A: Fooling with a bee!Q: What did the spider say to the bee?A: Your honey or your life!Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter?A: Pablo Beecasso!Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer?A: Swarm here isn't it!Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?A: Bee-thoven!Q: Who writes books for little bees?A: Bee-trix Potter!Q: Where do bees go on holiday?A: Stingapore!Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?A: He's bee-witched!
Kids Jokes

|Q: Why do bees buzz?A: Because they can't whistle!Q: Can bees fly in the rain?A: Not without their little yellow jackets!Q: Why did the bee started talking poetry?A: He was waxing lyrical!Q: What goes zzub, zzub?A: A bee flying backwards!Q: What are the cleverest bees?A: Spelling bees!Q: What bee is good for your health?A: Vitamin bee!Q: What's a bees favorite novel?A: The Great Gats-bee!Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell?A: A hum dinger!Q: How many bees do you need in a bee choir?A: A humdred!
Kids Jokes

|Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?A: A jet setter!Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?A: Puppy dogs!Q: Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?A: Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!Q: Where do Eskimos train their dogs?A: In the mush room!Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?Because frost bites!Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?A: An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!Q: What do you call an alcoholic dog?A: A whino!Q: What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?A: Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!Q: When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?A: When the door is open!Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?A: Because they have two left feet!
Kids Jokes

|What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?Russell!A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn."Why are you doing that?" asked his neighbour"It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied."But we don't get elephants round here!""I know - good stuff isn't it!" What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?Warren!What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?Terrified!What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?Squashed!Who lost a herd of elephants?Big bo peep!What is an elephants favorite film?Elephantasia What do elephants say as a compliment?You look elephantastic!What do you do with old cannon balls?Give them to elephants to use as marbles!What animals were last to leave the ark?The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!
Kids Jokes

|Why did the elephant walk on two feet?To give the ants a chance!Why do elephants have trunks?Because they've no pockets to put things in!Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?To stop getting wet!What do elephants do in the evenings?Watch elevision!How to elephants talk to each other?By 'elephone!What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?Nothing, he didn't recognize them!When do elephants have 8 feet?When there are two of them!What did the elephant say to the famous detective?It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!" What do you do if you find a blue elephant?Try and cheer him up!
Kids Jokes

|Why did the dirty chicken cross the road?For some fowl purpose!How do sheep keep warm in winter?Central bleating!How do chickens dance?Chick to chick!What do you call a crazy chicken?A cuckoo-cluck!What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull!What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?The milky baa kid!What is a duck's favorite dance?The quackstep!Which dance will a chicken not do?The foxtrot!What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?A woolly jumper!
Kids Jokes

|Where are most fish found?Between the head and the tail!What kind of fish will help you hear better?A herring aid!What do fish sing to each other?Salmon-chanted evening!How does an octopus go to war?Well-armed!Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?On squid row!What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?Monkfish!What bit of fish doesn't make sense?The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?A fish tank!What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?Tsardines!What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
Kids Jokes

|What kind of money do fishermen make?Net profits!What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?Birdsthigh fish fingers!What kind of noise annoys an oyster?A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?Jellyfish!What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?'Your plaice or mine'!Where does seaweed look for a job?In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!Why is a fish easy to weigh?Because it has its own scales!Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?Because they have electric 'eels!Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!To whom do fish go to borrow money?The loan shark!
Kids Jokes

|What did the clean dog say to the insect?Long time no flea!Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?Robert E Flea!What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!What do you call a cheerful flea?A hop-timist!What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?Shot it!What did one flea say to the other after a night out?Shall we walk home or take a dog?What did the romantic flea say?I love you aw-flea!How to fleas travel?Itch hiking!What is the difference between fleas and dogs?Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?To hide his flea collar!
Kids Jokes

|What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth?An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe!
Kids Jokes

|How do mice celebrate when they move home?With a mouse warming party
Kids Jokes

|What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?The Brit Awarts!
Kids Jokes

|What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?Star Warts!
Kids Jokes

|What do you say if you meet a toad?Wart's new!
Kids Jokes

|1. They speak only the Greek language.2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson?3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA.4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it.5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket-protector parties.6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVA's.7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z-scores.8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution.9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected.10. They express a deap-seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.
Stats/Math Jokes

|Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?A: One is far more painful to your ears.Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?A: I'll tell you when I meet one.Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
Instrument Jokes

|So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums."Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
Instrument Jokes

|When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
Instrument Jokes

|From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?A: A new age song.Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?A: You get your job and your wife back.Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
Instrument Jokes

|A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go.""Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?""That you kill me first."
Instrument Jokes

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere.Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.Allegro: Leg fertilizer.Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.Clausula: Mrs. Santa.Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.Countertenor: A singing waiter.Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.Da capo al fine: I like your hat!Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.Estampie: What they put on letters in QuebecFermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.Fine: That was great!Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.Harmonic Minor: A good music student.Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle AgesIsorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other halfLai: What monks give up when they take their vows.Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhornsLonga: The time between visits with Vire.Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.etronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.Neums: Renaissance midgetsOpus: A penguin in Kansas.Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.Quaver: Beginning viol class.Rackett: Capped reeds class.Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.Sancta: Clausula's husband.Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.Supertonic: Schweppes.Tempo: This is where a headache begins.Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Trope: A malevolent Neum.Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals
Instrument Jokes

|1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
Instrument Jokes

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!""Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse."Look what he did to my tits!"
Miscellaneous

Dear Tech Support:I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.Can you please help!Joe.Dear Joe,This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but haveended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.Best of luck!Tech Support
Miscellaneous

It was spring in the old west.The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake."Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted..."Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Miscellaneous

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.15. Don't squat with your spurs on.17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Miscellaneous

To the citizens of the United States of America:In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit"8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.Thank you for your cooperation.
Miscellaneous

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"Then POOF!...she was gone.After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!
Miscellaneous

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.''Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"The gay man reesponded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"
Miscellaneous

International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Miscellaneous

Worst Analagies Written By High SchoolersHe spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Miscellaneous

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?USA Today:WE'RE DEADThe Wall Street Journal:DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDSNational Enquirer:O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAINPlayboy:GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSEMicrosoft Systems Journal:APPLE LOSES MARKET SHAREVictoria's Secret Catalog:OUR FINAL SALESports Illustrated:GAME OVERWired:THE LAST NEW THINGRolling Stone:THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOURReaders Digest:'BYEDiscover Magazine:HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?TV Guide:DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!Lady's Home Journal:LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!America Online:SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.Inc. magazine:TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSEMicrosoft's Web Site:IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE
Miscellaneous

From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 11, 1994Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash.9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!" (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)
Miscellaneous

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?
Miscellaneous

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game."What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
Miscellaneous

I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.
Miscellaneous

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whats in muh mouf?"43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Miscellaneous

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Miscellaneous

A Networkologist's Christmas"'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. "No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID5."But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! "No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank." And then I discovered my backups were blank.The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days.And nobody's tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock."What's your problem?" he asked. "Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, soI knew that this time bomb was going to blow." Who was this guy? Who did he think he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves. His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. "Whoever configured this network's a jerk," He said with a :-) as he quickly rebooted,Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO,To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole. "Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!" He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. "Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!Technology often looks just like some magic To people who don't understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two,Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!" My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. "How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick, If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING." And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, "Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"
Miscellaneous

A Night Before Christmas Parody (Technical Version)'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus.Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."HO! HO! HO!
Miscellaneous

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songsTHREE deconstructionist poetsTWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Miscellaneous

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 199813 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."11 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."10 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."9 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"8 "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."7 "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater."6 "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."5 "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"4 "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."3 "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."2 "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in1998...1 "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."
Miscellaneous

Enlightenment Quiz1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang2. A Zen koan is ........> A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......> A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana10) Om Mani Padme Om means:- A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?True-False_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring._______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays._______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder._______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]
Miscellaneous

Ebonics Crimmus PomeWuz de nite befo Crimmus An' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin' Dey wuz sleepin' goodWe hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin' our checkAll o'de fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey headsI passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe 'spectin' de sheriff Wif a warrent fo shoAnd what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!!Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis niteFaster dan a Po'lees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An' called dem by name!On Leroy, on 'Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!!As he landed dat watta' mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' Da damndest site I ebber did seeHe didn't go down no chimbley He picked da' lock on my doe An' I sez to myself "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"He had dis big bag Full of prezents I 'xpect Wid Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun' my neckBut he not leevin no prezents Jus stealing my shit Got my drugs, got my guns Got my crack pipe...still lit!Wit my stuff in de bag Out da window he flewed I woudda' tried to cut him But he stoled my 'nife too!!He jumped on dat wadda' mellon An' whipped out a switch He wuz gone in a seccon' Dat sum of a bitch!!Next year I be hopin' Anutha Sanna we git Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!Murry Crimmus
Miscellaneous

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF... The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one). At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it. You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You have never backed up your hard drive. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. You see a good design and still have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa). You window shop at Radio Shack. You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. Your checkbook always balances. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
Miscellaneous

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter --------------------- Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart ---------------------- My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant ---------------------- Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up! Mayor Marion Berry ---------------------- Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert ---------------------- Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, Newt ---------------------------- Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank Gifford --------------------------- Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there! Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas -------------------------- Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway! Bob Dole ------------------------- Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room. Michael Jackson -------------------------- Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart ------------------------- Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Jim Baker P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime. ------------------------- Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy, Rob Lowe ------------------------- Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor) HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales ------------------------ Dear Mr. President: We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine
Miscellaneous

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you ,I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms,to the warm water that awaits.The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Miscellaneous

Managed Friendship PlanWelcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.How Does It Work?Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.What's Wrong with my Current Friends?If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.What is a Friendship Emergency?The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?Friendly Activities that are typically covered include: * Agreeing with you * Appearing sympathetic * Chewing the fat * Dropping by * Feeling your pain * Gossiping * Hanging out * Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)* * Joshing * Kidding around * Listening to you whine * Partying * Passing the time * Patting your back * Ribbing * Sharing a meal * Shooting the breeze * Slinging the bull * Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): * Bar hopping * Bending over backwards * Drinking to excess * Giving a hoot * Going the extra mile * Lending money * Real empathy * Truly caring * Using illicit drugsHow Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me? We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
Miscellaneous

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...The questions are:1.What are you thinking about?2.Do you love me?3.Do I look fat?4.Do you think she is prettier than me?5.What would you do if I died?What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, don't you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldn't you remarry? M: Okay, I'd get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Miscellaneous

* Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.* Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.* People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.* As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length.* The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward.* Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.* Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.
Miscellaneous

15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.10. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."13. Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.15. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."
Miscellaneous

|These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Job/Office Jokes

|Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINTRun one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINTSBabble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.Shout random numbers while someone is counting.FIVE POINTSAt the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
Job/Office Jokes

|Baxter ConnersVice PresidentCompany 203203 Wall St.New York, NY 10015Dear Mr. Conners,Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Sincerely,XXXXXXXX
Job/Office Jokes

|New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Job/Office Jokes

|Casual Fridays:Week 1 - Memo No. 1Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.Week 3 - Memo No. 2Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 - Memo No. 3Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.Week 14 - Memo No. 6The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.Week 18 - Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.Week 20 - Memo No. 8Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
Job/Office Jokes

|For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Job/Office Jokes

|HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Job/Office Jokes

|What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.- Old investors never die, they just roll over.- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.- Old students never die, they just get degraded.- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Job/Office Jokes

|Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)
Marriage Jokes

|As supposedly reported on CNN:Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"
Marriage Jokes

|Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Marriage Jokes

|At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
Marriage Jokes

|All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Marriage Jokes

|If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich LittleJoint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar WildeLosing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Man and wife make one fool.
Marriage Jokes

|There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce FriedmanA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin KitmanA gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
Marriage Jokes

|As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Elderly Jokes

|You know you're getting older when...Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You look forward to a dull evening. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your back goes out more than you do. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
Elderly Jokes

|I am a senior citizen...- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
Elderly Jokes

|We're over the hill but don't feel sadThis side of the hill ain't all that bad.So give us "five" and then a smileTo us who have been here for awhile.With by-pass pain and mended hipAnd plumbing fixtures prone to drip;We all may seem a sorry lot,But we rejoice for what we've got.We have each day and what it bringsAnd on our pensions live like kings.For the press that accuses what we takeTo coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."We've paid our share for unused knowledgeAs the kids are now all done with college.We complain to them about our healthAs they worry about our dwindling wealth.And though our wardrobes may be plainWe'll suffer no more labor or pain.Now it's with cane we do our strutAnd if we can't drive - we still can putt.We're mean and tough, meet all demands,Why, M&M's melt in our hands.Yes, we're still here, and it does delight usThat you join our fight against arthritis.But we ask you make a pledge todayThat you'll be careful what you say.We have to spread "Over the Hill" fearOr we'll have those young folks over here.
Elderly Jokes

|A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
Elderly Jokes

|OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zoneOLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucketOLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine awayOLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their coolOLD FROGS never die, they just croakOLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishesOLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retireOLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalizeOLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolateOLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their driveOLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rezOLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mountOLD HAMS never die, they just get groundedOLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chipsOLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
Elderly Jokes

|An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys."Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Red Indian Jokes

|These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world."That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3 Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1 "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV
Dumb Jokes

|It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off." Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!
Dumb Jokes

|A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
Dumb Jokes

|A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill... Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now... The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment.
Dumb Jokes

|A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.
Dumb Jokes

|In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Dumb Jokes

|Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award". That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion. Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway. The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together: JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers. They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride. He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt. The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement. Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.
Dumb Jokes

|Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
Dumb Jokes

|MEGA MORON AWARDS Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera). Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?] Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Dumb Jokes

|Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them. The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30. Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien) A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno) Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher) Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena. Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee. And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
Dumb Jokes

|The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)... We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off.""He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.Now this year's winners:(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body, without the protection of his shorts. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Dumb Jokes

|(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.First Runner Up Award goes to ...(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
Dumb Jokes

|August, 1998, Montevideo, UruguayPaolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
Dumb Jokes

|A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Dumb Jokes

|The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
Dumb Jokes

|For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Dumb Jokes

|Form Feed Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
Dumb Jokes

|Parent's Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.VERBAL: able to whine in wordsWHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
Mom/Dad Jokes

|'Twas the Night After Christmas'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court." The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.
Other Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
Christmas Jokes

|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!With truly the deepest love,AgnesDecember 15, 2003Dearest Dave,Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.With all of my love,Your AgnesDecember 16, 2003Dearest Dave,You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.Love,AgnesDecember 17, 2003Dear Dave,Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,AgnesDecember 18, 2003Dearest darling Dave,It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!All my love,AgnesDecember 19, 2003Dear Dave,When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.Cordially,AgnesDecember 20, 2003Dave,What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.Sincerely,AgnesDecember 21, 2003O.K. wise guy,The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!AgnesDecember 22, 2003Hey loser,What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!You'll get yours!AgnesDecember 23, 2003You rotten scum!!!There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!One who means it!December 24, 2003Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!Your sworn enemy,AgnesDecember 25, 2003The Law Offices ofBadger, Rees, and Yorker20 Knave StreetChicago, IllinoisDear sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Rees, and YorkerThis document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
Christmas Jokes

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.
Christmas Jokes

|A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Christmas Jokes

|Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Christmas Jokes

|Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen