An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Sex Jokes

Why you should learn to use algebra . . . After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can bereached of the secret to wealth and success.Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardlessof the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for thereader.
At Work

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Sent by Zena
Celebrities

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother'sson?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.
Children

Q: Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?A: He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to workwith UNIX.
Computers

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying outa circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they hearda scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet."What's this," she asked."Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
Ethnic

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy dueto motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find itlocked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried tofight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the rightand threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was thereforeunaware of what had happened.When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!
Situations

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, "she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.
Situations

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?""Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.""No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.""Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning.""No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.""I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked."Not a word," her mother affirmed."Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?""Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
Relationships

Dear ________,I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.Check those that apply...___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my personality.___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour hands!___Your legs are skinnier than mine.___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying tokiss you.___You have a hairy back.___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.___You still live with your parents.___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrekuniforms a little disconcerting.___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in a long term partner.___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.Sincerely,___________
Relationships

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his newson-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into thefamily," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you,I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have todo is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand thenoise.""I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in theoffice and take charge of some of the operations.""I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand beingstuck behind a desk all day.""Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you ahalf-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't likefactories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do withyou?""Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
Relationships

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: 1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.4. It is void where prohibited by law, and5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty islimited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at thesole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer:The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse theuse of the color blue.
Miscellaneous

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Religion

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony.
Religion

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers,his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he couldmake the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a rideto the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to hisold friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How muchfor a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessmangave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
Situations

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.
Medicine

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"
Medicine

Age DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone"
Women

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra forover-endowed women.It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Women

What's long and hard and excites a girl whenshe's finally lucky enough to get on it?The road to success!
Women

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Legal

WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v.s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
Legal

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?""I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy", said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
Legal

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork:algae :: green:_______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger:park :: king:_______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upperatmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects theweather. These contentions, however, are for the most partunconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, aBritish researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "theperiods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenzavirus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such asthis one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in suchpossibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaksof plague-spreading rodents in central Asia. 1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking? a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media 2. The term "most Western" means a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct 3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats b. The sun has sunspots c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer d. all of the above MATHEMATICS 1. Which of the following is a number? a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5 2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover? a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only 3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value? a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above /\50 6/\5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2 of the figure at the right. / 2 | a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ | d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10 e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__| 6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him? a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and bare equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one isbigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannotbe determined from the information given, choose g if you have noidea. a. 2 b. 15 a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square whose area is 10 whose area is 10 a. my dad b. your dad a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa a. something b. nothing a. a mountain b. a molehill
School

A Modest Essay 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.
School

Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Sports

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to sendinto battle first?"
War

|Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.Source:GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990
Animal Jokes

|Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
Animal Jokes

|A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blonde Jokes

|At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"He calls up the lawyer."Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm...""Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry...""Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me...""The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
Lawyer Jokes

|A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: ?Justice prevailed.?The senior partner replied in haste, ?Appeal immediately.?
Lawyer Jokes

|After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.""I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
Lawyer Jokes

|One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back."I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
Lawyer Jokes

|Merry Christmas in Legal TermsPlease accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Lawyer Jokes

|Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."
Aviation Jokes

|A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Farming Jokes

|Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
Camping Jokes

|Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."The man groaned but didn't budge.The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police.The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Sam," the man moaned."Where ya from, Sam?"With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
Police Jokes

|In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.
Food Jokes

|OFFICE MEMODate: 1/18/96SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE ITStock Price Increases 50%"We'll do it better," Says MicrosoftCUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.
Computing Jokes

|EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-ShiftEMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly SwappingEMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes SimplerEMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and SurrealEMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate SalesEMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely StupifiedEMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy ScreenEMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer StorageEMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the SystemEMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete SimplicityEMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations SurviveEMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court StallmanEMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered SillyEMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause SenilityEMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical SolutionsEMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial SinsEMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered SuperfluousEMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of SoftwareEMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are SimpleEMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised ScrewupsEMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly SuppressedEMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and SegmentationEMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist SubversionEMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed SimpletonsEMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command StructuresEMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and StupifiesEMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands StinkEMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer ScientistsEMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff priceEMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably SmallerEMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts SalesEMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is SuperiorEMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control SystemEMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and SupportersEMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes SimplerEMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete SubmissionEMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy SickosEMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely SlowEMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever SeenEMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- ShellsEMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete SimplicityEMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and SegmentationEMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler SeizuresEMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of SaturdaysEMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing SimpleEMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable ShellEMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer StoryEMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely ScrewedEMACS: Each Mail A Continued SurpriseEMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-SuckingEMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled SuccessfullyEMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer SoftwareEMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow
Computing Jokes

|AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button."I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language."It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read a book."Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the backgroundThere are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process."A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.
Computing Jokes

|MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Computing Jokes

|Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."Fifteen minutes later . . .Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."Two hours pass . . .Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."Picard "Identify."Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"Over the speakers:"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Computing Jokes

|If Microsoft Ran The IRS "Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise). -- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May. -- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements. -- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property. -- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices. -- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form. -- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported. -- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number. -- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication. -- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed. -- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice. -- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
Computing Jokes

|Solitaire '99Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire '98README file, v4.3Welcome!Congratulations!Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)Installation Procedure:1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray. 2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer. 3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure. 4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray. 5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions. 6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch. Playing The Game:Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98. To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs. For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates. Coming Soon:Minesweeper '99!Watch this space.[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
Computing Jokes

|Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period: Diagnostic Criteria(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following: (A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction (B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following (A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome (1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged. (2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1: (a) psychomotor agitation (b) anxiety (c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet (d) fantasies or dreams about Internet (e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers (3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning (B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
Computing Jokes

|SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"New York, NJ, Nov. 11 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing."There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software."It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs."We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
Computing Jokes

|Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Ethnical Jokes

|Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
Ethnical Jokes

|The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Sport Jokes

|The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)Tonya Harding Presents... Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......Tonya Harding Center For Opponent NeutralizationThat's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list:Blow to the knee............................. $99.95Blow to both knees (a better buy)............ $149.95Blow to the head............................. $124.95Knife in the back (tennis players only)...... $49.95Kick in the groin (male athletes only)....... $9.95Poking out one eye........................... $49.95Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... $79.95Gun shot to the knee......................... $199.95Gun shot to both knees....................... $299.95Gun shot to the head......................... $499.95Impalement in a public place................. $999.95Prices subject to change without notice.Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win
Sport Jokes

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says "Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.""Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over." The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up."The doctor is quite surprised: "I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.""W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?""Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches""I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it."Six months later the guy goes back to the doc. "Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off".The doc replies "F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!"
Miscellaneous

The World's Shortest Books25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert21. Human Rights Advances in China20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman19. Al Gore: The Wild Years18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean17. America's Most Popular Lawyers16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors15. Detroit - A Travel Guide14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches12. Easy UNIX11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance10. Everything Men Know About Women9. Everything Women Know About Men8. French Hospitality7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA3. Staple Your Way to Success2. The Amish Phone Directory1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Miscellaneous

|Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I'm going to throw-up
Job/Office Jokes

|MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...). If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People are always available for work in the past tense. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Job/Office Jokes

|New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Job/Office Jokes

|The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock." When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A. Listen politely, and then apologize. B. Blame someone else. C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union." When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you... A. Clean the office while he supervises. B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face. Scoring this testMostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
Job/Office Jokes

|Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Job/Office Jokes

|What does your profession say about you?1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
Job/Office Jokes

|Casual Fridays:Week 1 - Memo No. 1Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.Week 3 - Memo No. 2Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 - Memo No. 3Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.Week 14 - Memo No. 6The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.Week 18 - Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.Week 20 - Memo No. 8Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
Job/Office Jokes

|The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.
Marriage Jokes

|This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho MarxWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. MenckenWhat's new? Most of my wife.When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- GuitryWhen marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Marriage Jokes

|An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys."Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Red Indian Jokes

|MEGA MORON AWARDS Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera). Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?] Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Dumb Jokes

|A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Mom/Dad Jokes

|Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.Today, he'll get a digital organizer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
Mom/Dad Jokes

|If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Three:Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. (You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.) Festivity Level Four:Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"You: "No."Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."You: "About the drugs?"Police: "No."You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"Police: "No, the noise."You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."
Christmas Jokes

|Dear Santa,How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.Best of luck,Billy Gates
Christmas Jokes

|Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
Irish Jokes

|Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.
Irish Jokes

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Miscellaneous

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. Clarence Darrow Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Bill Maher To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. Quentin Crisp There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. Benjamin Spock I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. Nancy Mitford We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
Miscellaneous

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
Miscellaneous

AGE DRINK 17 - Wine Coolers 25 - White wine 35 - Red wine 48 - Dom Perignon 66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 - Need to wash my hair 25 - Need to wash and condition my hair 35 - Need to colour my hair 48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair 66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig FAVORITE SPORT 17 - shopping 25 - shopping 35 - shopping 48 - shopping 66 - shopping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 - "Burger King" 25 - "Free meal" 35 - "A diamond" 48 - "A bigger diamond" 66 - "Home Alone" FAVORITE FANTASY 17 - tall, dark and handsome 25 - tall, dark and handsome with money 35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 - a man with hair 66 - a man HOUSE PET 17 - Muffy the cat 25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat 48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED 17 - 17 25 - 25 35 - 35 48 - 48 66 - 66 IDEAL DATE 17 - He offers to pay 25 - He pays 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 - He can chew his breakfast
Miscellaneous

Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply.. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. ___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___You still live with your parents. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. ___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, ________
Miscellaneous

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you today you're staff."
Miscellaneous

A few guppies short of an aquarium. A few inches short of a foot/yard. A few kernels short of an ear. A few kopeks short of a ruble. A few links shy of a chain. A few measures short of a staff. A few open splices. A few peas short of a pod/casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar. A few points short of a polygon. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few shrimps short of a barbie. A few spoons short of a full set. A few straws shy of a bale. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A lap behind the field. A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.) A looney tune.
Miscellaneous

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that mybrother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
Miscellaneous

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Miscellaneous

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts .. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Miscellaneous

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "."
Miscellaneous

It beats being an American. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins Own-an-eskimo scheme. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
Miscellaneous

by : Scott Corliss 1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan 2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan 3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior 4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare 5. Walden as read by James Watt 6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky 7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman 8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes 9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti 10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy 11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms 12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson 13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian 14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman 15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace 17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew 18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner 19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson 20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton 21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson 22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter 23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern 24. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh 25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett 26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain 27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon 28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah 29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf 30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown 31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson 32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
Miscellaneous

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Miscellaneous

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
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More One-liners worth passing on...Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.The best vitamin for making friends: B1.If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.You'll never be the man your mother was!Drive defensively. Buy a tank.Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
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Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.Practice safe eating: always use condiments.I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Corduroy pillows are making headlines.Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.Banning the bra was a big flop.Sea captains don't like crew cuts.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.Without geometry, life is pointless.When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned themating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,but you better start to "brace yourself!"
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A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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LIFE UNDER THE SEAWhat is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam. The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what's really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row...
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Thoughts From Women About Being A WomanThe hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.* Helen Hayes (at 73)I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.* Janette BarberThings are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.* Lily TomlinA male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.* Carrie SnowOld age ain't no place for sissies.* Bette DavisIf you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.* Catherine AirdA man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.* Rhonda HansomeThe phrase "working mother" is redundant.* Jane SellmanWhatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.* Charlotte WhittonThirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.* Caryn LeschenWhoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.* Jan KingI try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.* Jennifer UnlimitedWhen I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!* Kathy BuckleyI'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.* Dolly PartonYou see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.* Erica JongIf high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.* Sue GraftonLaugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.* Laurie KuslanskyI think - therefore I'm single.* Lizz WinsteadYou know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.* Geri JewellWhen women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.* Elayne BooslerBehind every successful man is a surprised woman.* Maryon PearsonIn politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman.* Margaret ThatcherI have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.* Gloria SteinemI never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.* Marie CorelliIf men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?* Linda EllerbeeNobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.* Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"__________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!__________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!__________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."__________________________________________A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"" Honey, "the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"__________________________________________Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."__________________________________________"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate."Terrible! "the roommate answered." He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."" Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?""He was the original owner!"__________________________________________In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."__________________________________________A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"."My father grows beans," said one student."My father cooks beans," said another.Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."__________________________________________Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ? Little Johnny : " He gets stepped on. " __________________________________________Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"
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25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES12. EASY UNIX11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... 1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton
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A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper."My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!".Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!".Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement."Well!" retorted the police chief.He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for..."Making an obscene clone fall..."
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After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.""Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.""Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy."The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!""Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?""Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse."He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"- Lynda Montgomery"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul RodriguezAnd from George Carlin...If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?What's another word for thesaurus?If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
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(Age 22)1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates the finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover(Age 32)1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant4. Listens more then he talks5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal9. Remembers anniversaries10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week(Age 42)1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down10. Shaves on most weekends(Age 52)1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public3. Doesn't borrow money too often4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear8. Appreciates a good TV dinner9. Remembers your name on occasion10. Shaves on some weekends(Age 62)1. Doesn't scare small children2. Remembers where the bathroom is3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)5. Forgets why he's laughing6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone7. Usually wears some clothes8. Likes soft foods9. Remembers where he left his teeth10. Remembers when...(Age 72)1. Breathing.....
Miscellaneous

Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, "what was that?", you can now explain!Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.Prelude To A Poopie You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.Compost Fart You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.Beefy One Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dogturd.Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart) The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.Squeaky Fart Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.Bunbuster Fart 'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.Trouser Ripping Special Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.Escape Pod Fart You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.Brewer Fart You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.Sphinctal Napalm Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.Stalker Fart Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.Burble Fart Bubbly!On The Spot Fart You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart) You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart) The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.GNL Fart Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...Underwater Fart Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.Gunshot Fart Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.Tandem Fart Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
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25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYAnd the Number one World's Shortest book......1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton
Miscellaneous

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.Two men applied for the job... One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?""Well... yes", he answered."Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked."Now take off my boots." He did."Now take off my socks." He did."Now take off my skirt." He did."Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked."Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
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This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Miscellaneous

Herewith is a compendium of movie clich?s, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there's a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren't idiots.Actress Inferior Position - In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man's, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.AC-WAT-NOBI Movie - A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In.Against All Odds Rule - In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive. In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths."Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens." - Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, "(Name), is that you?" it NEVER is.Air Vent Escape Route - If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil.Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) - Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc.) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents.Ali MacGraw's Disease - Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.Back seat Inviso-Syndrome - Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule - If a rental movie box has a warning such as "If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film!" -do not rent this film.Baguette Envy - In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly8.5 inches of it will be exposed.Bartender Establishing Shot - All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag."Based on a True Story." - Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing,morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened.Bathroom Rule - No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window.Beeping Rule - In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that "something important has been found." The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command.Beginning, The - Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.Best Play of the Game Rule - Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer."Betcha Can't Name That Tune" Ploy - Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire', are perfectly happy playing nothing but chords. By never straying anywhere near a recognizable melody, they avoid paying royalties.'Betsy' Syndrome - Identifying an actor in print by their latest film, regardless of how weak it was. Inspired by a newspaper article that appeared toward the end of Sir Lawrence Olivier's career, referring to him as "Lawrence ('The Betsy') Olivier."Big Nod, The - Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side.Bogeyman Shot - Unaware victim is shot in close-up looking toward the camera, while a huge lopsided space is left vacant for the monster/killer to appear in.Boob Tube - There is never anything worth seeing on TV in the movies.Boom-Boom Rule - Whenever a building or a car explodes, the explosion will be repeated in its entirely from several different camera angles.Born in the USA - Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.British Roman Rule - All leaders of the Roman Empire have British accents. Why don't filmmakers want Romans to at least have Italian accents?Broken Compass Principle - In New York City chase scenes, cars are able to turn off of avenues onto other avenues. This is impossible, since the avenues are parallel.Bumbling Night Watchman - Any scene involving the good guy burgling an office at night will inevitably include a semi- competent night watchman, whose sole purpose is to inject an element of danger into an otherwise boring event. Actions performed by the watchman usually include shining flashlight through the window, rattling doorknobs, watching security monitors, etc., all done in a manner that allows the good guy to continue undetected until just after he discovers the needed information or object. He will then flee the scene with the watchman in pursuit.Bun and Spectacles Rule - Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large thick round ones will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe.
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ARIESYou are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.TAURUSYou are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.GEMINIYou are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.CANCERYou are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.LEOYou consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.VIRGOYou are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.LIBRAYou are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.SCORPIOYou are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.SAGITTARIUSYou are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.CAPRICORNYou are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.AQUARIUSYou have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.PISCESYou have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
Miscellaneous

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude... God is missing--and they think WE did it!"
Miscellaneous

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!"
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Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk" You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine." You know what it means to be on 'pogey'. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!" You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'. You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US". You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
Miscellaneous

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Miscellaneous

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
Miscellaneous

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.Your dog has its own home page.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
Miscellaneous

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is "gettin' a little" At age 25, success is graduation and a weddingAt age 35, success is about career and familyAt age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is "gettin' a little" At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!
Miscellaneous

Some of life's truisms...Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.I intend to live forever - so far, so good.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.A fool and his money are soon partying.Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Miscellaneous

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,"Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive..."
Miscellaneous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is usually right.Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.A fool and his money will soon be partying.Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
Miscellaneous

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.The director asked the young man his name."Penis van Lesbian," the man replied proudly."Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that.""Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage.""Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street."Do you remember me," asked the young man?"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.""Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.""I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?""Dick van Dyke."
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GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....I found your cat...Sorry!4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
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Sighting #1:I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.Sighting #2:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."Sighting #3:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"Sighting #4:At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.Sighting #5:I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):Individual: Now what do I do?Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.Individual: How do you spell that?
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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group ofterrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do notapply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.But I have not yet gone to college.
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?""What?! Get the hell out of my cab."The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.
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If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd beCat Doggy Dogg.If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy DoggPooh.How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him tomarry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married GregoryPeck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back inshow business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married MartinShort, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could allnod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky ShortGuy."
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1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around whenthere's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.14. Women think all beer is the same.15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"24. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will callthe same friend and they will talk for three hours.28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)33. The first naked man that woman see is "Ken".36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.38. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.47. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?
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* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.* A fool and his money are soon partying.* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."* Death to all fanatics!* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.* Chastity is curable, if detected early.* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.* Half the people you know are below average.* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.And finally....* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
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The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation."You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?"The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew...My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident."Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly...Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"
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by Every guy in America:1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.5. Shopping is not fascinating.6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.7. Unless the answer is yes.8. In which case, can he videotape it?9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.15. He heard you the first time.16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.20. Dogs good. Cats bad.21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.25. He was not looking at that other girl.26. Well, okay... maybe a little.27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.40. Don't hog the covers.41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...42. He does not just want to be friends.43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.- David BissonetteA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.- Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.- Zsa Zsa GaborWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.- Sacha GuitryMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.- MontaigneAfter marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.-- Hemant JoshiA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana TurnerMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.- Mae West"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury."- George BurnsUnknown Author QuotesMarriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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A Press Release -WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer."Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go."Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all."However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers."But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December).The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized" stated Golden.Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved.
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From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.Republicans wear theirs.Republicans employ exterminators.Democrats step on the bugs.Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.Neither are Republicans.Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.Democrats ought to, but don't.Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.Democrats eat the fish they catch.Republicans hang them on the wall.Republican boys date Democratic girls.They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.Democrats make plans and then do something else.Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.That is why there are more Democrats.
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In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs.-Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory.Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to a poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X.Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate prior to its release by Mr. Coyote.In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.2. Sooty discoloration.3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues--a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.-CYA on da hillz
Miscellaneous

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Miscellaneous

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Miscellaneous

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.Exercise________ Calories burned per hourBeating around the bush -75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire - 160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350
Miscellaneous

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Miscellaneous

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.14. Women think all beer is the same.15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be. 17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
Miscellaneous

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first500.Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didn't have enough so he left a little space, Here's to space!Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends... Drink Hearty!When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....John.To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today - He'll get her tonight Just living together
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Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria SteinemIf you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. TebbettsAt American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin TrillinA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - TynanThe first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe ValezMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VoltaireMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae WestBachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar WildeLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar WildeWhy are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
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In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth AshleyMany a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim BackusNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de BalzacHoneymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray BandyMarriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - BaskinsI feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame InductionsLove: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose BierceThe world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose BierceI recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David BissonetteAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - BorgeIn the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - BoudelaireFor a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert BriffaultMy mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny BruceNever tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny BruceInsurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al BundyNothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al BundyOnce a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al BundyI hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg BundyI just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg BundyThe only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie BunkerIn matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - ButlerIf you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - ChekhovMarriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. ChestertonAn archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha ChristieThe most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful."The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"
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A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet."What's this, "she asked."Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
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This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests."Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said.The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?""No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"
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One Polish surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?""The operation was a success, but the patient died!"
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Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."Jack chose to climb the ladder.At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, "Who are you?"To which he replied, "Oh, I'm Cess"!
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A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported."With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post."After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!"
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After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conferenceand announced that they had a very successful conference and hadagreed on about 60% of what they discussed.When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Tencommandments."
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Words From Famous Women ... "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - CarolLeifer "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."- Maryon Pearson "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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If IBM made toasters ...They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters ...Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters ...It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. If Xerox made toasters ...You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters ...The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters ...They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters ...The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If Sony made toasters ...The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Fisher Price made toasters ..."Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
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Feel Free to Cut and PasteThe Mr. Right Rejection Letter FormDear [____rejectee's name here_____],I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:[Check all those that apply]___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms bythetruckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.___ You failed the credit check.___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.___ You still live with your parents.___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.___ Three words: Size does matter.Sincerely,[Your name here]
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Stages of LifeTHE MALE STAGES OF LIFEAGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 MaaloxAGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 nappingAGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive."AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slaveAGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
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Vito and VladimirThere were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.Vladimir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."Vladimir : "OK. It's a deal."Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around."Vladimir : "That's it? I can do that."The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!"
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Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says."Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks... "Do you have any toilet paper?"
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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye."Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot."Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch."Who are you?" the man asked."Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
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Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... "Burger King"25... "Free meal"35... "A diamond"48... "A bigger diamond"66... "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the CatWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17... 17 25... 2535... 3548... 4866... 66IDEAL DATE17... He offers to pay25... He pays35... He cooks breakfast the next morning48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66... He can chew breakfast~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men's Lifestyles Through the AgesDRINK at age...17... Beer25... Beer35... Scotch48... Double scotch66... MaaloxSEDUCTION LINE at age...17... My parents are away for the weekend. 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48... My wife is away for the weekend.66... My second wife is dead.FAVORITE SPORT at age...17... Sex25... Sex35... Sex48... Sex66... NappingFAVORITE DRUG at age...17... Pot25... Cocaine35... Really good cocaine48... Power66... AdvilDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age... 17... Cop a feel25... Breakfast35... She didn't set back my therapy 48... I didn't bump into her kids.66... An actual erectionFAVORITE FANTASY at age...17... Thirdbase25... Airplane sex35... Menage a trois48... Taking her company public66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slaveHOUSE PET at age...17... Roaches (to be burned later)25... Old college roommate35... Irish setter48... Children from her first marriage 66... BarbiTHE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age... 17... 2525... 3535... 4848... 6666... 17IDEAL DATE at age...17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25... Split the check before we go back to my place 35... Just come over48... Just come over and cook66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
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