There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
Clean Jokes

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss
Political Jokes

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:1. He went into his father's business.2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.Proof That Jesus Was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was bilingual.3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.Proof That Jesus Was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion and finallyProof that Jesus Was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
Political Jokes

Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did??!" The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!" The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
Animal World

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class"What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant topick on him she chose little Mary."I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotionsof love are.""Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else hadtheir hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him."I think your feet go up first."Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw mydad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"
Children

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans by John CarneyFrom: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)To: allusers@rome.orgCC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)Attachments: noneSubject: general teachingAlso posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and diskspace charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,so I'll have to keep this short. :)IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness of men. }:>U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because ofthe customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM norGateway, Tandy nor Compaq.None of us is righteous. As King David wrote: KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeksKD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his KD> favorite game program for a friend.But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*righteousness.But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spiritgives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit tothe authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Payfor shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flamesomebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause yourfellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch outfor those R- and X-rated .GIF files. I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on thecouch. CUL8er. :) XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}--------------John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, amagazine of religious satire and commentary.
Computers

Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their "standards." So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the best car, wear the classiest suits, etc. He even hires Professor Henry Higgins to educate him in the proper speech and behavior.The big day arrives. Martin James Roget arrives at the country club forhis interview. "Tea?" the interviewer asks. "Earl Grey, hot please." "Hobbies?" "Polo, racket ball, hunting." "Religion?" "Goy."
Ethnic

On Jeopardy...TREBEK: The category is "Political Subversion". The answer is: Thisentity is dedicated to the destruction of religion, morality, and theAmerican way of life.PLAYER: What is the KGB?TREBEK: Be more specific.PLAYER: What is PBS?TREBEK: Right!
Miscellaneous

|UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called?(a) Westerners(b) Southerners(c) Northerners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?*You must answer three or more questionscorrectly to qualify*
Sport Jokes

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce.""Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?""I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first."Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.""It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
Relationships

Moe: My wife converted me to religion.Joe: Really?Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
Relationships

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago wasstranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that didnot admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, noroom. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But yoursign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerkstammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do notadmit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have youknow I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Maryin a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in amanger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in thehotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
Religion

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, mam I am."
Religion

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in yourreligion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbedonce or twice."There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper hewas reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Religion

One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion". The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.
Religion

Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flowerdecoration of the altar.The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy atanother Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains thecontract.On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderfulroses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificentflower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
Religion

Guyness QuizTake This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:a. Present it to the president of the United States.b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.c. Take it apart.2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?a. Innocence.b. Idealism.c. Cherry bombs.3. When is it okay to kiss another male?a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.4. What about hugging another male?a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:a. A cat.b. A dog.c. A dog that eats cats.7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.c. Tell her what?9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"b. "They're in school already?"c. "There are three of them?"10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?a. He was being tested.b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.c. He refused to ask directions.12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?a. Democracy.b. Religion.c. Remote control.How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a realguy would score at least 15, because he would get the specialfive-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer'sdisease and cancer.
Men

Letter from Daughter to Parents Dear Mother and Dad:It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remissin writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not havingwritten before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and theconcussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when itcaught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only getthose sick headaches once a day.Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendantat the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the firedepartment and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and sinceI had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enoughto invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply inlove and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, butit will be before my pregnancy begins to show.Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forwardto being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it thelove, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reasonfor the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infectionwhich prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelesslycaught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injectionsI am taking daily.I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind andalthough not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a differentrace and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will notpermit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darkerthan ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background isgood too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in thevillage in Africa from which he came.Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there wasno dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I wasnot in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not havesyphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am gettinga 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marksin the proper perspective.Yours- Your Loving Daughter
School

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
School

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV (basketball players only) Time Limit: 3 weeks *1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
Sports

|OFFICE MEMODate: 1/18/96SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE ITStock Price Increases 50%"We'll do it better," Says MicrosoftCUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.
Computing Jokes

|MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Computing Jokes

|Unleash the Power of Shift!Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down nowA: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?A: Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
Computing Jokes

|This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho MarxWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. MenckenWhat's new? Most of my wife.When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- GuitryWhen marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Marriage Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
Christmas Jokes

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
Miscellaneous

Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Yours, Your Loving Daughter.
Miscellaneous

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep." "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
Miscellaneous

Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man's spiritual needs were being fulfilled.The team made it's way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.Cautiously, they walked inside.Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, "Oh yes!" the Psychologist spoke. "This very clearly explains this man's desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.""Nonsense!" exclaimed the Engineer. "This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius."The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. "I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created."At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke."Simple...had to fix stove pipe...plenty of wire...not enough stove pipe!"
Miscellaneous

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.Time Limit: 3 Days.Write Your Name: ________________________________________(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).1. What language is spoken in Germany?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to____ (a) build a bridge____ (b) lead an army or____ (c) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)____ (a) Jewish____ (b) Catholic____ (c) Hindu____ (d) Polish5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?____ (a) Westerners____ (b) Southerners____ (c) NORTHerners9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)_______________________________10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from?____ (a) Wall Mart____ (b) Kmart____ (c) Canada____ (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?____ (a) yes____ (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?____ (a) Minnnesota____ (b) Florida____ (c) Canada____ (d) Wisconsin18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?____ (a) B.C____ (b) A.D.
Miscellaneous

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.(Source: Outside Magazine)Grand Canyon National Park...Was this man-made?Do you light it up at night?I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?So where are the faces of the presidents?Everglades National Park...Are the alligators real?Are the baby alligators for sale?Where are all the rides?What time does the two o'clock bus leave?Denali National Park (Alaska)...What time do you feed the bears?Can you show me where the yeti lives?How often do you mow the tundra?How much does Mount McKinley weigh?Mesa Verde National Park...Did people build this, or did Indians?Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?Carlsbad Caverns National Park...How much of the cave is underground?So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?Does it ever rain in here?How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?Yosemite National Park...Where are the cages for the animals?What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?Yellowstone National Park...Does Old Faithful erupt at night?How do you turn it on?When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Miscellaneous

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..""STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ...""NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would...""NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said."Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?""Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep."GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
Miscellaneous

Some lessons learned in life:Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.Never lick a steak knife.Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie."The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Miscellaneous

All the things my mother taught me:My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"My mother taught me RELIGION -"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"My mother taught me LOGIC:"Because I said so, that's why."My mother taught me FORESIGHT -"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."My mother taught me IRONY -"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"My mother taught me about STAMINA -"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."My mother taught me about WEATHER -"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -Stop acting like your father!"My mother taught me about ENVY -"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Miscellaneous

A short guide to comparative religions:Taoism : Shit Happens.Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.Islam : If shit happens it is the will of AllahProtestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?Hinduism : This shit happened before.Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.Atheism : NO shit!Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.Existentialism : What is shit anyway?Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.
Miscellaneous

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?""Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife.""How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an uglybaby?""I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind.""I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I neverbelieved in Hell until I met you.""As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're nothere to ruin it for me.""As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...""Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!""Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.""Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you.""You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!""When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.""I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.""We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?""I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here.""Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you everfind out who the father was?""You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.""Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
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We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host."I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:"Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"Perforation is a rip-off!A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.
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1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.11.) Never lick a steak knife.12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
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Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I've changed my mind.""I must admit, you brought religion into my life.I never believed in Hell till I met you.""Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:What the heck was I thinking?""If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.""As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.Like the need for therapy...""Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!""Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!""Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.""Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.""When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.""The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room."Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!"
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Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident. It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!! I break for hallucinations My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down) DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!! Nuck Fewt ORGASM DONOR My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall No radio. Already stolen. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. So many pedestrians, so little time. My other wife is beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. There is one in every crowd and they always find me. I love animals - They taste great! I'd rather step in shit than smoke it. Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass! On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"
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Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into his father's business.2. He lived at home until the age of33.3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He never held a steady job.3. His last request was a drink.Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was always in trouble with the law.3. His mother wasn't married to his father.Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hand.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He had no permanent address.3. Nobody would hire him.Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion.
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In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,"Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive..."
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Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival. -----------------------------------------------------------------1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan."6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.9. I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.10. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.11. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.12. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.13. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.14. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.16. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: "Well, whose fault is that?"17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?19. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.20. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.21. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.22. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.23. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.24. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.25. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.26. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.27. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.28. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"29. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.30. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.31. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.32. The key to a good relationship is they key. Give me back the key.33. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.34. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?36. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.37. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."38. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.40. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.41. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.42. I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.43. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.44. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.45. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.48. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.49. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.50. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!!51. Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.
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"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.""All generalizations are false.""Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.""I love cats...they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their King!""E. coli Happens""Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!""Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician""If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.""SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....""Towers will be violated""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ""End rape. Say 'Yes!'""I KNOW JACK SHIT!""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.""Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some.""I Brake For No Apparent Reason.""When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! ""Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.""Wink, I'll do the rest!""I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!""No Radio - Already Stolen""Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.""Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""When there's a will, I want to be in it!""Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?""If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?""Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ""I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!""I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!""Assassins do it from behind!""Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!""Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!""Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.""IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ""Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""Which came first? The woman or the department store?""LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.""Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?""I'm not as think as you drunk I am""First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Don't come knocking if the car is rocking""Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter""Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?""We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.""Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.""He who laughs last thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""i souport publik edekasion""The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.""We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock.""2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.""I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ""Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.""I is a college student.""Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.""Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.""Eschew obfuscation.""God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!""I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?""CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.""We're staying together for the sake of the cats.""It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.""My karma ran over your dogma.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.""Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.""Welcome to Texas, now go home.""It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.""Life's too short to dance with ugly men.""Life's too short to dance with ugly women.""My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her.""When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).""Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Will Rogers never met a lawyer.""Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""Don't steal. The government hates competition.""Is there life before coffee?""Never play leap frog with a unicorn.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m""The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.""I Cayman went.""My other wife is beautiful.""I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?""Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.""Nuke the unborn baby whales.""Geez if you belive in honkus.""Friends don't let friends drive naked.""Save California; when you leave take someone with you.""I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.""There's one in every crowd and they always find me.""If money could talk, it would say goodbye.""When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.""Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.""If it's too loud, you're too old.""The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.""Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.""Who cares who's on board?""Die Yuppie Scum.""Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.""Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.""Women make great leaders. You're following one now.""Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.""Exxon Suxx.""Honk if you love cheeses.""Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.""I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.""So many pedestrians, so little time."
Miscellaneous

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOWA. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a hand held blow dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.
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Dear Mom and Dad:Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married. We haven't got the date exactly yet, but it will before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and, although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a D in Calculus and F in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.Your loving daughter, Susie
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Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:Dept Of Statistics:All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.Dept Of Psychology:Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.Dept Of History:All students get the same grade they got last year.Dept Of Religion:Grade is determined by God.Dept Of Philosophy:What is a grade?Law School:Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.Dept Of Mathematics:Grades are variable.Dept Of Logic:If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.Dept Of Computer Science:Random number generator determines grade.Music Department:Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and - would be sharp and flat respectively).Dept Of Physical Education:Everybody gets an A
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VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties."The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:You'll be making under $7 an hour.ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.IMMEDIATE OPENING:The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend.FLEXIBLE HOURS:Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAILWe have no quality control.COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).APPLY IN PERSON:If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:You whine, you're fired.I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:I've used Microsoft Office.I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"I pilfer office supplies.MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes.I'M PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer.MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:You're probably looking for someone more experienced.I AM ADAPTABLE:I've changed jobs a lot.I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:I'm a college drop-out.THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:Wait! Don't throw me away!I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though.The reverand says "I should go! everybody needs religion!" they agree and he jumps.Another guy says "I'm the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!" so he jumps.The old guy says to the hipee "I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump."But the hipee replies "Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!"
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Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?"Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.""Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger.""That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
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25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.14. Nobody is normal.15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.20. You should not confuse your career with your life.21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.24. Your friends love you anyway.25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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