Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Animal Jokes

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants.The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
Animal World

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Sincerly,
Children

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Ethnic

English: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, so just sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight, we'll be arriving atour destination in 20 minutes, and I expect no delays. Enjoy the rest of your flight. Ebonics: Ebonia Airlines Dis be yo' main man, we be chillin at tray-five -o, if you be flexin get up off yo ass and shake that thang, my homey be killin the man's opression if you wanna smoke chronic, just hang loose blood, them bitches be cruizin on up with some forty-ounce 8-ball, so stop trippin and sit your ass back down, we be in the hood in no time afterall, i be bumpin switches all da' way. Peace out!
Ethnic

How to be a Good WifeExcerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbookHave dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a life.Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile and be glad to see him.Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Relationships

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who hadbeen going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall andthere he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when heturned to leave, she approached him for an interview."I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to theWestern Wall and praying?""For about 60 years.""60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?""I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray forall the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safetyand friendship.""How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?""Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Religion

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: "What was that for?" Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: "What the hell was that for this time?" Wife: "Your horse called."
Relationships

You have to read the whole thing: The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. ********************************************************* Now the updated version for the '90s woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's! 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster). 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup. 7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed. 10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
Miscellaneous

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Religion

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Situations

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified."You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Sex

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?The Swallow. Sent by Denise
Sex

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
Men

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get upin the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to thebathroom and then poof! the light goes off!""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call youbecause I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Elderly

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:----------------------------------------------------------------Rebecca and Gary English 44ASMUCreative WritingProf Miller In-class Assignment for WednesdayToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the personsitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then writethe first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read thefirst paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Thefirst person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back andforth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in orderto keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree aconclusion has been reached.----------------------------------------------------------------At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. Thecamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and ifshe thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.So camomile was out of the question.Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attacksquadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things tothink about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo namedLaurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago."A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalacticcommunicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance sofar..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashedout of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. Thejolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and acrossthe cockpit.He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before hefelt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the onewoman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earthstopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers ofSkylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and SpaceTravel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The newssimultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly andcarefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract herfrom her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things aroundher. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" shepondered wistfully.Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launchedthe first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpypeaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treatythrough Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostilealien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Withintwo hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships wereon course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize theentire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated theirdiabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphereunimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarineheadquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt theinconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on theconference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto thattreaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. Mywriting partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attemptsat writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.You total $*&.Stupid %?$!.
School

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
War

|One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back."I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
Lawyer Jokes

|As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Aviation Jokes

|A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Farming Jokes

|A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.Just look at our cars.There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.This must be a sign from God!"Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.This must surely be a sign from God!"The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!Here's another miracle!My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."The priest nods in agreement.The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Police Jokes

|AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non-zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch AnywhereBAC Branch to Alpha CentauriBAD Branch And DieBAD Branch to Auto DestructBAF Blow All FusesBAH Branch And HangBALC Branch And Link CheeseburgerBAP Branch And PuntBAW Bells And WhistlesBB Branch on BugBBBB Byte Baudy Bit and BranchBBBF Branch on Bit Bucket FullBBD Branch on Bastille DayBBI Branch on Burned-out IndicatorBBIL Branch on Burned-out Indicator LightBBLB Branch on Blinking Light BulbBBT Branch on Binary TreeBBW Branch Both WaysBCB Burp and Clear BytesBCF Branch on Chip box FullBCIL Branch Creating Infinite LoopBCR Backspace Card ReaderBCS Branch and Crash SystemBCU Be Cruel and UnusualBD Backspace DiskBD Branch to DataBDC Break Down and CryBDI Branch to Data IndirectBDM Branch and Disconnect MemoryBDT Burn Data TreeBDU Branch on Dense UserBE Branch EverywhereBEW Branch Either WayBF Belch FireBF Blow FuseBF Branch ForeverBFD Branch on Full DiskBFF Branch and Form FeedBFM Be Fruitful and MultiplyBH Branch and HangBIR Branch Inside RanchBIRM Branch on Index Register MissingBLC Branch and Loop ContinuousBLI Branch and Loop InfiniteBLM Branch, Like, MaybeBLMWM Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, ManBLP Boot from Line PrinterBLR Branch and Lose ReturnBLSH Buy Low, Sell HighBLT Break Little ThingBM Branch MaybeBMI Blow up Memory ImmediateBMI Branch on Missing IndexBMI Branch to Muncee ImmediateBMP Branch and Make PopcornBMR Branch Multiple RegistersBMUS Beam Me Up, ScottyBNA Branch to Nonexistant AddressBNCB Branch and Never Come BackBNL Become a Neo-LudditeBNR Branch for No ReasonBOB Branch On BugBOD Beat On DiskBOD Branch on Operator DesperateBOH Branch On HumidityBOH Branch on Operator HighBOHP Bribe Operator for Higher PriorityBOI Byte Operator ImmediatelyBOP Boot OPeratorBOT Branch On TreeBPB Branch on Program BugBPDI Be Polite, Don't InterruptBPIM Bury Programmer In ManualsBPL Branch PLeaseBPM Become a Psych MajorBPO Branch on Power OffBPO Branch on Power OnBPP Branch and Pull the PlugBR Byte and RunBRA Branch to Random AddressBRB BRanch on BeaverBRH BRanch and HangBRI BRanch IndefinitelyBRL BRanch and LeakBRO BRanch and OverheatBRO BRanch to OblivionBS Behave StrangelyBSC Branch on Second ComingBSC Burst Selector ChannelBSD BackSpace DiskBSI Back up Sewer ImmediateBSI Backup Sewer ImmediatelyBSM Branch and Scramble MemoryBSO Branch on Sleepy OperatorBSP BackSpace PunchBSR Branch and Stomp RegistersBSS Branch on SunSpotBSST BackSpace and Stretch TapeBTD Branch on Time of DayBTD Byte The DustBTI Blow Trumpet ImmediatelyBTJ Branch and Turn JapaneseBTO Branch To OblivionBTW Branch on Third WednesdayBU Branch UnexpectedlyBUTI Blow Up Terminal ImmediatelyBVS Branch and Veer SouthBW Branch on WhimBWC Branch When ConvenientBWF Busy, Wait ForeverBWOP BeWilder OPeratorBYDS Beware Your Dark SideBYTE BYte TEstCAC Calling All CarsCAC Cash And CarryCAF Convert ASCII to FarsiiCAI Corrupt Accounting InformationCAIL Crash After I LeaveCAR Cancel Accounts ReceivableCAT Confused And TiredCB Consult BozoCBA Compare and Branch AnywayCBBR Crash and Blow Boot Read-only memoryCBNC Close, But No CigarCBS Clobber BootStrapCC Call CalveryCC Compliment CoreCCB Chocolate Chip Byte-modeCCB Consult Crystal BallCCC Crash if Carry ClearCCCP Conditionally Corrupt Current ProcessCCD Choke Cough and DieCCD Clear Core and DumpCCR Change Channels at RandomCCS Chinese Character SetCCWR Change Color of Write RingCD Complement DiskCDC Clear Disk and CrashCDC Close Disk CoverCDIOOAZ Calm Down, It's Only Ones And ZeroesCDS Change Disk SpeedCEMU Close Eyes and Monkey with User spaceCEX Call EXterminatorCF Come From [replaces goto]CFE Call Field EngineerCFP Change and Forget PasswordCFS Corrupt File StructureCG Convert to GarbageCH Create HavocCHCJ Compare Haig to Christine JorgensenCHPAMR CHase Pointers Around Machine RoomCHSE Compare Half-words and Swap if EqualCIB Change Important ByteCIC Cash In ChipsCID Compare and Ignore DataCIMM Create Imaginary Memory MapCIZ Clear If ZeroCLBR CLoBber RegisterCLBRI CLoBber Register ImmediateCM Circulate MemoryCMD CPU Melt DownCMD Compare Meaningless DataCMI Clobber Monitor ImmediateCML Compute Meaning of LifeCMP Create Memory ProsthesisCMS Click MicroSwitchCN Compare NonsensicallyCNB Cause Nervous BreakdownCNS Call Nonexistent SubroutineCOCS Copy Object Code to SourceCOD Crash On DemandCOLB Crash for Operator's Lunch BreakCOM Clear Operator's MindCOMF COMe FromCON Call Operator NowCOS Copy Object code to Source fileCOWYHU Come Out With Your Hands UpCP Compliment ProgrammerCP%FKM CPU \(em FlaKeout ModeCP%WM CPU \(em Weird ModeCPB Create Program BugCPN Call Programmer NamesCPPR Crumple Printer Paper and RipCRASH Continue Running After Stop or HaltCRB CRash and BurnCRD Confirm Rumor by DenialCRM CReate MemoryCRM Clear Random MemoryCRN Compare with Random NumberCRN Convert to Roman NumeralsCRYPT reCuRsive encrYPt TapeCS Crash SystemCSL Curse and Swear LoudlyCSN Call Supervisor NamesCSNIO Crash System on Next I/OCSS Crash Subsidiary SystemsCSU Call Self UnconditionalCTDMR Change Tape Density, Mid RecordCTT Call Time and TemperatureCU Convert to UnaryCUC Cheat Until CaughtCVFL ConVert Floating to LogicalCVFP ConVert Fortran to PascalCVG ConVert to GarbageCVU ConVert to UnaryCWAH Create Woman And HoldCWB Carry With BorrowCWDC Cut Wires and Drop CoreCWG Chase Wild GooseCWGK Compare Watt to Genghis KhanCWIT Compare Watt to Ivan the TerribleCWM Compare Watt to MussoliniCWOM Complement Write-Only MemoryCZZC Convert Zone to Zip CodeDA Develop AmnesiaDAB Delete All BugsDAC Divide And ConquerDAD Destroy A-DiskDAO Divide And OverflowDAP De-select Active PeripheralDAUF Delete All Useless FilesDB Drop BitsDBL Desegregate Bus LinesDBR DeBase RegisterDBTP Drop Back Ten and PuntDBZ Divide By ZeroDC Degauss CoreDC Divide and ConquerDCAD Dump Core And DieDCD Drop Cards DoubleDCGC Dump Confusing Garbage to ConsoleDCI Disk Crash ImmediateDCON Disable CONsleDCR Double-precision CRashDCT Drop Cards TripleDD Destroy DiskDD Drop DiskDDC Dally During CalculationsDDOA Drop Dead On AnswerDDS Delaminate Disk SurfaceDDT Debug ProgramDDWB Deposit Directly in Waste BasketDEB Disk Eject BothDEC Decompile Executable CodeDEI Disk Eject ImmediateDEM Disk Eject MemoryDFA Disable FAnsDGO Decrement the Grades of OthersDGT Dispense Gin and TonicDHTPL Disk Head Three Point LandingDIA Develop Ineffective AddressDICE Delete Invalid Customer EngineerDIE DIsable EverythingDIF DIsable FusesDIG DIsable GravityDIH Disable Interrupts and HangDIRFO Do It Right For OnceDISC DISmount CPUDK Destroy KlingonsDKP Disavow Knowledge of ProgrammerDLN Don't Look NowDLP Drain Literal PoolDMAG Do MAGicDMNS Do what i Mean, Not what i SayDMP Destroy Memory Protect keyDMPE Decide to Major in Phys. Ed.DMPK Destroy Memory Protect KeyDMZ Divide Memory by ZeroDND Destroy Neighbor's DataDNPG Do Not Pass GoDO Divide and OverflowDO Divide and Overflow [IBM PC]DOC Drive Operator CrazyDOV Divide and OVerflowDP Destroy PeripheralsDPC Decrement Program CounterDPCS Decrement Program Counter SecretlyDPK Destroy storage Protect KeyDPMI Declare Programmer Mentally IncompetentDPN Double Precision No-opDPR Destroy PRogramDPS Disable Power SupplyDR Detach RootDRAF DRAw FlowchartDRAM Decrement RAMDRBA Deposit Round-off in my Bank AccountDRD DRop DeadDRI Disable Random InterruptDROM Destroy ROMDRT Disconnect Random TerminalDS Deadlock SystemDSD Dismount System DiskDSI Do Something InterestingDSO Disable System OperatorDSP Degrade System PerformanceDSR Detonate Status RegisterDSTD Do Something Totally DifferentDSUIT Do Something Utterly, Indescribably TerribleDT%FFP DecTape \(em unload and Flappa FlaPDT%SHO DecTape \(em Spin Hubs OppositeDTB Destructively Test BitDTC Destroy This CommandDTE Decrement Telephone ExtensionDTI Do The ImpossibleDTRT Do The Right ThingDTVFL Destroy Third Variable From LeftDU Dump UserDUD Do Until DeadDW Destroy WorldDWIM Do What I MeanDWIT Do What I'm ThinkingDWIW Do What I WantEA Enable AnythingEAC Emulate Acoustic CouplerEAL Enable AC to Logic rackEAO Enable AC to OperatorEBB Edit and Blank BufferEBB Empty Bit BucketEBR Erase Before ReadingEBRS Emit Burnt Resistor SmellEC Eat CardECF Explode and Catch FireECL Early Care LaceECO Electrocute Computer OperatorECP Erase Card PunchED Eject DiskED Execute DataEDD Eat Disk and DieEDIT Erase Data and Increment TimeEDP Emulate Debugged ProgramEDR Emit Deadly RadiationEDR Execute Destructive ReadEDS Execute Data SegmentEEOIFNO Execute Every Other Instruction From Now OnEEP Erase Entire ProgramEFB Emulate Five-volt BatteryEFD Eject Floppy DiskEFD Emulate Frisbee using Disk packEFE Emulate Fatal ErrorEHC Emulate Headless ChickenEIA Elvis Is AliveEIAO Execute In Any OrderEIO Erase I/O pageEIO Execute Invalid Op-codeEIO Execute Invalid OpcodeEIOC Execute Invalid Op-CodeEJD EJect DiskEJD%V EJect Disk \(em with initial velocity VELP Enter Loop PermenantlyEM EMulate 407EM Evacuate MemoryEMIF Erase Most Important FileEMM Emulate More MemoryEMPC EMulate Pocket CalculatorEMSE Edit and Mark Something ElseEMSL Entire Memory Shift LeftEMT Electrocute Maintenance TechnicianEMW Emulate Maytag WasherENA ENable AnythingENE ENable EverythingEND Erase Neighbor's DataENF Emit Noxious FumesENG ENable GravityENO Emulate No-OpEO Electrocute OperatorEOB Execute Operator and BranchEOI Explode On InterruptEOS Erase Operating SystemEP Execute ProgrammerEPD Explode Peripheral DeviceEPI Execute Programmer ImmediateEPITS Execute Previous Instruction Then SkipEPL Emulate Phone LineEPP Eject Printer PaperEPS Electrostatic Print and SmearEPS Execute Program SidewaysEPSW Execute Program Status WordEPT Erase Process TableEPT Erase Punched TapeERIC Eject Random Integrated CircuitERM Erase Reserved MemoryEROM Erase Read-Only MemoryEROS Erase Read-Only StorageEROS Erase Read-Only Storage [Everex int]ERS Erase Read-only StorageESB Eject Selectric BallESC Emulate System CrashESD Eject Spinning DishESL Exceed Speed of LightESP Enable SPrinkler systemETI Execute This InstructionETM Emulate Trinary MachineETPH E. T. Phone HomeEVC Execute Verbal CommandsEWD Enter Warp DriveEWM Enter Whimsy ModeEXB EXcrement and BranchEXE EXecute EngineerEXI EXecute Invalid operationEXO EXecute OperatorEXOP EXecute OPeratorEXP EXecute ProgrammerEXPP EXecute Political PrisonerFAY Fetch Amulet of YendorFB Find BugsFC Fry ConsoleFCJ Feed Card and JamFCJ Feed Cards and JamFD Forget DataFDR Feed Disk RandomlyFERA Forms Eject and Run AwayFFF Form Feed ForeverFLD FLing DiskFLI Flash Lights ImpressivelyFM Forget MemoryFMP Finish My ProgramFOPC False Out-of-Paper ConditionFPC Feed Paper ContinuouslyFPT Fire Photon TorpedoesFRG Fill with Random GarbageFRS Fetch Ring of SauronFS Feign SleepFSM Fold, Spindle, and MutilateFSR Form Skip and RunawayFSRA Forms Skip and Run AwayFYBR Follow Yellow Brick RoadGAP Grade All ProjectsGBB Go to Back of BusGCAR Get Correct Answer RegardlessGCR Generate Confusing ResultsGDP Grin Defiantly at ProgrammerGDR Grab Degree and RunGENT GENerate ThesisGEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}GFD Go Forth and DivideGFM Go Forth and MultiplyGIE Generate Irreversible ErrorGL Get LostGLC Generate Lewd CommentGMC Generate Machine CheckGMCC Generate Machine Check and CashGND Guess at Next DigitGORS GO Real SlowGPCR Generate Petty Cache RequestGR Get RealGREM Generate Random Error MessageGREP Global Ruin, Expiration, and PurgationGRMC Generate Rubber Machine CheckGS Get StrangeGSB Gulp and Store BytesGSI Generate Spurious InterruptsGSU Geometric Shift UpGTJ Go To JailHAC Hold All CallsHACF Halt And Catch FireHAH Halt And HangHBW Hang Bus and WaitHCF Halt and Catch FireHCP Hide Central ProcessorHCRS Hang in CRitical SectionHDH Hi Dee HoHDO Halt and Disable OperatorHDRW Halt and Display Random WordHELP Hinder Everyone with Little ProductivityHELP Type 'No Help Available'HEO Halt and Execute OperatorHF Hide FileHGD Halt, Get DrunkHHB Halt and Hang BusHIS Halt in Imposible StateHOO Hide Operator's OutputHRPR Hang up and Ruin Printer RibbonHSC Halt on System CrashHSJ Halt, Skip and JumpHTC Halt and Toss CookiesHTS Halt and Throw SparksHUAL Halt Until After LunchHUP Hang Up PhoneHWP Halt Without ProvocationIA Illocical AndIAE Ignore All ExceptionsIAI Inquire And IgnoreIAND Illogical ANDIAR Ignore All RequestsIB Insert BugIBM Increment and Branch to MunceeIBP Insert Bug and ProceedIBR Insert Bugs at RandomICB Interrupt, Crash and BurnICM Immerse Central MemoryICMD Initiate Core Melt DownICR Incur Costly Repair [Sun Tempest]ICSP Invert Crt Screen PictureIDC Initiate Destruct CommandIDI Invoke Divine InterventionIDNOP InDirect No-OPIDPS Ignore Disk Protect SwitchIEOF Ignore End Of FileIF Invoke ForceIGI Increment Grade ImmediateIGIT Increment Grade Immediate TwiceIGO Increment Grade OvernightIHC Initiate Head CrashIHTFP Increment Hormones, Test For PubertyII Inquire and IgnoreIIB Ignore Inquiry and BranchIIC Insert Invisible CharactersIIL Irreversable Infinite LoopIM Imagine MemoryIMBP Insert Mistake and Blame ProgrammerIMP Imitate Monty PythonIMPG IMPress GirlfriendIMV IMpress VisitorsINCAM INCrement Arbitrary MemoryING INquire and iGnoreINI Ignore Next InstructionINOP Indirect No-OPINR INstigate RumorINW INvalidate WarrantyIOI Ignore Operator's InstructionIOR Illogical ORIOS Ignore Operating SystemIP Increment and PrayIPI Ignore Previous InstructionIPM Ignore Programmer's MistakesIPOP Interrupt Processor, Order PizzaIPS Incinerate Power SupplyIPS Increment Power SupplyIPT Ignite Paper TapeIRB Invert Record and BranchIRBI Insert Random Bits IndexedIRC Insert Random CommandsIRE Insert Random ErrorsIRI Ignore Rude InterruptsIRPF Infinite Recursive Page FaultISC Ignore Supervisor CallsISC Ignore System CrashISC Insert Sarcastic CommentsISI Increment and Skip on InifinityISP Increment and Skip on PiISTK Invert STacKITML Initiate Termites into Macro LibraryIU Ignore User[s]IXOR Illogical eXclusive ORIZ Ignore ZeroesJAA Jump Almost AlwaysJBS Jump and Blow StackJCI Jump to Current InstructionJFM Jump on Full MoonJHRB Jump to H&R BlockJLP Jump and Lose PointerJLR Jump and Lose ReturnJMAT JuMp on Alternate ThursdaysJN Jump to NowhereJNL Jump when programmer is Not LookingJOB Jump On BeaverJOM Jump Out of MemoryJOM Jump Over MoonJOP Jump OPeratorJPA Jump when Pizza ArrivesJRAN Jump RANdomJRCF Jump Relative and Catch FireJRGA Jump Relative and Get ArrestedJRL Jump to Random LocationJRSR Jump to Random SubRoutineJSC Jump on System CrashJSOR Jump Somewhere Over RainbowJSU Jump Self UnconditionalJT Jump if TuesdayJTT Jump and Tangle TapeJTZ Jump to Twilight ZoneJWN Jump When NecessaryKCE Kill Consultant on ErrorKCE Kill repairman [CE]KDO Knock Disk OverKEPITU Kill Every Process In The UniverseKOP Kill OPeratorKP Krunch PaperKPR Kill PRogrammerKSR Keyboard Shift RightKUD Kill User's DataKWWE Kill Wicked Witch of EastKWWW Kill Wicked Witch of WestLAC Lose All CommunicationLAGW Load And Go WrongLAP Laugh At ProgramLAP Laugh At ProgrammerLCC Load and Clear CoreLCD Launch Cartridge DiskLCK Lock Console KeyswitchLEB Link Edit BackwardsLIA Load Ineffective AddressLMB Lose Message and BranchLMO Load and Mug OperatorLMYB Logical MaYBeLN Lose inode NumberLNP Load N digits of PiLOSM Log Off System ManagerLP%PAS Line Printer \(em Print And SmearLP%RDD Line Printer \(em Reverse Drum DirectionLP%TCR Line Printer \(em Tangle and Chew RibbonLPA Lead Programmer AstrayLPRTC Load Program counter from Real Time ClockLR Load RevolverLRA Load RetroActivelyLRB Lose Record and BranchLRD Load Random DataLSPSW Load and Scramble PSWLTS Link To SputnikLTS Loop Till SmokesLUM LUbricate MemoryLWE Load WhatEverLWM Load Write-only MemoryMAB Melt Address BusMAN Make Animal NoisesMAZ Multiply Answer by ZeroMBC Make Batch ConfettiMBF Multiply and Be FruitfulMBH Memory Bank Hold-upMBTD Mount Beatles on Tape DriveMBTOL Move Bug To Operator's LunchMC Move ContinuousMD Move DeviousMDB Move and Drop BitsMDC Make Disk CrashMDDHAF Make Disk Drive Hop Across FloorMFO Mount Female OperatorMILI Move It or Lose ItMLB Memory Left shift and BranchMLP Make Lousy ProgramMLP Multiply and Lose PrecisionMLR Move and Lose RecordMMF Melt Main FrameMMLG Make Me Look GoodMNI Misread Next InstructionMOG Make Operator GrowlMOP Modify Operator's PersonalityMPLP Make Pretty Light PatternMRZ Make Random ZapMSGD Make Screen Go DimMSP Mistake Sign for ParityMSPI Make Sure Plugged InMSR Melt Special RegisterMST Mount Scotch TapeMTE Mangle Tape on ExitMTI Make Tape InvalidMUG Make Ugly GraphicsMUM Multi-Use MnemonicsMW Malfunction WheneverMW Multiply WorkMWC Move and Wrap CoreMWT Malfunction Without TellingNBC Negate By ClearingNCW Notch Carriage and WayNMI Negate Most IntegersNOP Needlessly Omit PointerNPC Normalize Program CounterNPN No Program Necessary [VAX]NTGH Not Tonight, i've Got a HeadacheOBB Overflow Bit BucketOCF Open Circular FileOMC Obscene Message to ConsoleOMC Overheat Memory ChipOML Obey Murphy's LawsOPI Order Pizza ImmediatelyOPP Order Pizza for ProgrammerOSI Overflow Stack ImmediateOSI Overflow Stack IndefiniteOSP Open Six-PackOTL Out To LunchOU Offend UserP$*! Punch ObscenityPA Punch in ASCIIPAL Pack And LeavePAS Print And SmearPAUD PAUse DramaticallyPAZ Pack Alpha ZonePAZ Pack Alpha and drop ZonesPBC Print and Break ChainPBD Print and Break DrumPBL Pack Bags and LeavePBM Pop Bubble MemoryPBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag PleasePBST Play Batch mode Star TrekPCB Pause for Coffee BreakPCD PunCh DiskPCI Pleat Cards ImmediatePCR Print and Cut RibbonPCS Push to Centre of StackPD Play DeadPD Punch DiskPDLD Power Down and Lock Door [to computer room]PDSK Punch DiSKPEHC Punch Extra Holes in CardsPEP Print on Edge of PaperPFD Punt on Fourth DownPFE Print Floating EyePFML Print Four Million LinesPG Print GarbagePHO Pull Hair OutPI Punch InvalidPIBM Pretend to be an IBMPIC Print Illegible CharactersPIC Print Invalid CharacterPIC Punch Invalid CharacterPLSC Perform Light Show on ConsolePNIH Place Needle In HaystackPNRP Print Nasty Replies to ProgrammerPO Punch OperatorPOCL Punch Out Console LightsPOG Print Only GreekPOP Pop Or PushPOPI Punch OPerator ImmediatePOPN Punch OPerator's NosePPA Print Paper AirplanesPPC Purge Pascal Compiler [HP 3000]PPL Perform Perpetual LoopPPP Print Programmer's PicturePPR Play Punk RockPPSW Pack Program Status WordPPSW Pack Progran Status WordPRS PRint and SmearPSP Print and Shred PaperPSR Print and Shred RibbonPTP Produce Toilet PaperPUO Perform Unknown OperationPVLC Punch Variable Length CardPWP Print Without PaperPWS create PoWer SurgePYS Program YourSelfQBDH Quit and Become a DeadHeadQWYA Quit While Your AheadRA Randomize AnswerRAM Randomly Access MemoryRAM Read Ambiguous MemoryRAN RANdom opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]RASC Read And Shred CardRAST Read And Shred TapeRAU Ridicule All UsersRBAO Ring Bell and Annoy OperatorRBLY Restore Back-up from Last YearRBT Read Blank TapeRBT Rewind and Break TapeRC Rewind CoreRCAJ Read Card And JamRCB Read Command BackwardsRCB Run Clock BackwardsRCC Read Card and ChewRCCP Randomly Corrupt Current ProcessRCF Rewind Cabinet FansRCKG Read Count Key and GarbageRCL Rotate Carry LeftRCP Reschedule Car PaymentsRCR Rewind Card ReaderRCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse VideoRCS Read Card and Scramble dataRCSD Read Card and Scramble DataRD Randomize DataRD Reverse DirectionsRDA Refuse to Disclose AnswerRDB Replace Database with BlanksRDB Run Disk BackwardsRDD Reverse Disk DriveRDDBF Rock Disk Drive Back and ForthRDEB Read and Drop Even number of BitsRDF Randomize Directory FilenamesRDI Reverse Drum ImmediateRDI Reverse Drun ImmediateRDI Rewind Disk ImmediateRDR Reverse Disk RotationRDS ReaD SidewaysRENVR REName Variables RandomlyRET Read and Erase TapeRF Read FingerprintsRG Record GarbageRHNEZ Randomize and Halt if Not Equal to ZeroRHO Randomize and Hold all OutputRIC Rotate Illogical thru CarryRID Read Invalid DataRIG Read Inter-record GapRIOP Rotate I/O PortsRIR Read Invalid RecordRIRG Read Inter-Record GapRJE Return Jump and ExplodeRLC Relocate and Lose CoreRLC Reread Last CardRLC Rotate Left with CarolynRLI Rotate Left IndefinitelyRLP Refill Light PenRLP Rewind Line PrinterRM Ruin My filesRMI Randomize Memory ImmediateRMM Read Manager's MindRMT ReMove TrapRMV Remove Memory VirtuesRN Read NoiseRNBS Reflect Next Bus SignalRNR Read Noise RecordROC Randomize Op CodesROC Rotate Outward from CenterROD ROtate DiagonallyROM Read Operator's MindROO Rub Out OperatorROOP Run Out Of PaperROPF Read Other People's FilesROS Reject Operating SystemROS Return On ShieldRP Read PrinterRPB Raise Parity BitsRPB Read Print and BlushRPB Reverse Parity and BranchRPBR Reverse Parity and BRanchRPC Rotate Program CounterRPM Read Programmer's MindRPU Read character and Print UpsidedownRRC Rotate Random thru CarryRRR Randomly Rotate RegisterRRR Read Record and Run awayRRR Read Record and Run-awayRRRL Random Rotate Register LeftRRRR Random Rotate Register RightRRSTC Return on Ruby Slippers Triple-ClickRRT Record and Rip TapeRS Random SlewRSD on Read error Self-DestructRST Rewind and Stretch TapeRSTOM Read from STore-Only MemoryRT Reduce ThroughputRTP Reduce ThroughPutRTS Return To SenderRVAC Return from VACationRWC ReWind and Crash headsRWCR ReWind Card ReaderRWD ReWind DiskRWE Run Without ErrorRWF Read Wrong FileRWT Read/Write while stretching TapeSA Store AnywhereSAD Search And DestroySAI Skip All InstructionsSAK Snooze At KeyboardSAS Show Appendix ScarSAS Sit And SpinSBE Swap Bits ErraticallySBF Skip on Bitbucket FullSC Scramble ChannelsSC Shred CardsSCB Spindle Card and BelchSCCA Short Circuit on Correct AnswerSCD Shuffle and Cut DecSCH Slit Cards HorizontalSCI Shred Cards ImmediateSCM Set for Crash ModeSCOM Set Cobol-Only ModeSCP SCatter PrinterSCRRC SCRamble Register ContentsSCST Switch Channel to Star TrekSCTR Stick Card To ReaderSD Scramble DirectorySD Slip DiskSDC Spool Disk to ConsoleSDD Seek and Destroy DataSDD Spin Disk DrySDDB Snap Disk Drive BeltSDE Solve Differential EquationsSDI Self Destruct ImmediateSDM Search and Destroy MemorySDR Slam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]SEB Stop Eating and BurpSEOB Set Every Other BitSESUR Sing Elvis Songs Until he ReturnsSEX Set EXecution registerSEX Sign EXtendSFH Set Flags to Half-mastSFP Send For PizzaSFR Send For ReinforcementsSFT Stall For TimeSFTT Strip Form Tractor TeethSHAB SHift A BitSHABM SHift A Bit MoreSHB Stop and Hang BusSHCD SHuffle Card DeckSHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent no-op]SHR SHift RandomSHRC SHRed CardSHRT SHRed TapeSID Switch to Infinite DensitySIP Store Indefinite PrecisionSJV Scramble Jump VectorsSLP Sharpen Light PenSMC Scramble Memory ContentsSMD Spontaneous Memory DumpSMR Skip on Meaningless ResultSMS Shred Mylar SurfaceSNARF System Normalize And Reset FlagsSNM Show No MercySNO Send Nukes on OverflowSOAWP SOlve All the World'd ProblemsSOB Stew On BrewSOD Surrender Or DieSOL Shift On LowSOP Stop and Order PizzaSOS Sign Off, StupidSOT Sit On a TackSP Scatter PrintSPA Sliding Point ArithmeticSPB Simulate Peanut ButterSPD SPin DiskSPS Set Panel SwitchesSPSW Scramble Program Status WordSQPWYC Sit Quietly and Play With Your CrayonsSRBO Set Random Bits to OnesSRBZ Set Random Bits to ZeroesSRC Select Random ChannelSRC Select Reader and Chew cardsSRCC Select Reader and Chew CardsSRD Switch to Random DensitySRDR Shift Right Double RidiculousSRO Sort with Random OrderingSROS Store in Read-Only StorageSRR Shift Registers RandomSRSD Seek Record and Scar DiskSRSD Seek Record and Scratch DiskSRTC Stop Real-Time ClockSRU Signoff Random UserSRZ Subtract and Reset to ZeroSSB Scramble Status ByteSSD Scratch System DiskSSD Stacker Select DiskSSD Stop and Scratch Disk [3815]SSJ Select Stacker and JamSSJP Select Stacker and JumPSSM Solve by Supernatural MeansSSM Stacker Select MemorySSP Seek SPindleSSP Smoke and SParkSST Seek and Stretch TapeSSW Scramble Status WordST Set and TestSTA STore AnywhereSTC Slow To a CrawlSTD Stop, Take DrugsSTM STretch MagtapeSTM Skip on Third MondaySTO Strangle Tape OperatorSTPR SToP RainSTRIKE STRIKE for more pay, better hours, etc.STROM STore in Read-Only MemorySTTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred BaudSUIQ Subtract User's IQSUME SUprise MESUP Shred User PrintoutSUP Solve Unsolvable ProblemSUS Stop Until SpringSUS Subtract Until SenselessSWAT SWAp TerminalsSWN SWap NibblesSWOS Store in Write-Only StorageSWS Sort to Wrong SlotsSWT Select Wrong TerminalSWU Select Wrong UnitSWZN Skip Whether Zero or NotSZD Switch to Zero DensityTAH Take A HikeTAI Trap Absurd InputsTARC Take Arithmetic Review CourseTBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To GoTC Transmit ColorsTDB Transfer and Drop BitsTDRB Test and Destroy Random BitsTDS Trash Data SegmentTET Triple Execution Time [SUN]TLNF Teach me a Lesson i'll Never ForgetTLO Turn indicator Lights OffTLW Transfer and Lose WayTN Take a NapTOAC Turn Off Air ConditionerTOG Take Out GarbageTOG Time Out, GraduateTOH Take Operator HostageTOO Turn On/off OperatorTOP Trap OPeratorTOS Trash Operating SystemTOW Take Over WorldTPD Terminal Printer DestructTPD Total Program DiagnosticTPD Triple Pack DecimalTPDH Tell Programmer to Do it HimselfTPF Turn Power oFfTPN Turn Power oNTPO Turn Power OffTPR Tear PapeRTR Turn into RubbishTRA Te Rdls Arvs [type ridiculous abbreviations]TRD TRansfer and Drop bitTSH Trap Secretary and HaltTSM Trap Secretary and MountTST Trash System TracksTT%CN TeleType \(em Clunk NoiseTT%EKB TeleType \(em Electrify KeyBoardTTA Try, Try AgainTTIHLIC Try To Imagine How Little I CareTTITT Turn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot TapesTTL Tap Trunk LineTTL Time To LogoffTYF Trust Your FeelingsUA Unload AccumulatorUAI Use Alternate Instruction setUAPA(AM) Use All Power Available (And More)UCB Uncouple CPU and BranchUCIP Update Card In PlaceUCK Unlock Console KeyswitchUCLB Uncouple Comm Lines and BranchUCM Uncouple CoMm lines and branchUCPUB Uncouple CPUs and BranchUDR Update and Delete RecordUER Update and Erase RecordUFO Unidentified Flag OperationULDA UnLoaD AccumulatorUMR Unlock Machine RoomUNPD UNPlug and DumpUOP Useless OPerationUP Understand Program[mer]UPA Use all Power AvailableUPC Understand Program[mer]'s CommentsUPI Undo Previous InstructionURB Update, Resume and BranchUTF Unwind Tape onto FloorUTF Use The ForceUUBR Use Undefined Base RegisterVAX Violate All eXecutionsVFE Violate Field EngineerVFO Violate Female OperatorVMA Violate Maintenance AgreementVNO Violate Noise OrdinanceVPA Vanishing Point ArithmeticVVM Vaporize Virtual MemoryWAD Walk Away in DisgustWAT WAste TimeWBB Write to the Bit BucketWBT Water Binary TreeWC Waste CoreWCR Write to Card ReaderWDR Warp disk DRiveWED Write and Erase DataWEMG Write Eighteen Minute GapWF Wait ForeverWGPB Write Garbage in Process-control BlockWHFO Wait until Hell Freezes OverWHP Wave Hands over ProgramWI Why ImmediateWI Write IllegiblyWID Write Invalid DataWMC Write Millions of CommentsWNAM We Need A MiracleWNHR Write New Hit RecordWNR Write Noise RecordWP Write PoopWPET Write Past End of TapeWPM Write Programmer's MindWSE Write Stack EverywhereWSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous WaysWUPO Wad Up Printer OutputWWLR Write Wrong Length RecordWWR Write Wrong RecordXXIO eXecute Invalid OpcodeXXKF eXecute Kermit the FrogXXM eXclusive MaybeXXMB eXclusive MayBeXXOH eXecute no-Op and HangXXOR eXecute OpeRatorXXOS eXchange Operator's SexXXPR eXecute PRogrammerXXPSW eXecute Program Status WordXXSP eXecute Systems ProgrammerXXVF eXchange Virtue for FunYAB Yet Another BugYASE Yet Another Stupid ErrorZAP Zero and Add PackedZAR Zero Any RegisterZD Zap DirectoryZEOW Zero Every Other WordZPI ZaP Immediate
Computing Jokes

|Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
Computing Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Farmer's Branch, Texas:Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old magazines.William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on Hondas, Volvos and BMWs. For the $290 price of the inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value.The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no guarantee on the marriage. Then again, the justice of the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car will break down and the marriage won't." He says he hasn't seen anything like this stunt since his days as a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at Christmas.Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas, where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe helicopter ride. He decided to borrow the concept and bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair. "Normally people don't get good news" at auto shops, he adds.The mechanic isn't concerned about his offer hastening the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the institution of marriage. After all, 30,000-mile inspections aren't inexpensive. "They're going to have to spend almost $300." he says.If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding chapels. For customers whose marriages fall apart, Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100 value.To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the shop van. But the ad began two months ago, and so far no one has taken Signs up on it. He has, however, heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call or stop to ask if the deal is real.Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000-mile point, and he's worried that his girlfriend may notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer. To avoid that, he says he's considering disabling his odometer.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Bellevue, WAOn Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.They each injured themselves and not the other.It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.
Real Jokes

|What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.- Old investors never die, they just roll over.- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.- Old students never die, they just get degraded.- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Job/Office Jokes

|Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.
Marriage Jokes

|During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.
Marriage Jokes

|A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street."Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.
Elderly Jokes

|OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played outOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to barOLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-lineOLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayedOLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hootOLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peacesOLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmasOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus homeOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developingOLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz offOLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher planeOLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attractionOLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle itOLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drainOLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
Elderly Jokes

|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
Christmas Jokes

|An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
Irish Jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Dear Kill 17,000 Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Miscellaneous

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Miscellaneous

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
Miscellaneous

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Miscellaneous

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew whohad been going to the to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the and praying?" "For about 50 years." "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Miscellaneous

No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored - nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits - nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.) It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection withany religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.). All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922 - Repealed in 1948) No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893 - Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1) It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 (Passed in 1922 - Repealed in 1974) By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission.
Miscellaneous

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. Bathhouses are against the law. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Women may not drive in a house coat. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor) Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person. It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String". It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. Cars are the only item allowed in a garage. Toads may not be licked. You may not hunt moths under a street light. It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison. You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. Zoot suits are prohibited. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand. It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. Roosters may not crow in the city limits. Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM. It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it. One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar. Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash. It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear. It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
Miscellaneous

Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca." Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan. Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace. Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags. "Jaws of Life" in trunk. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?" You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile. Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
Miscellaneous

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo" Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama so fat were in her right now Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions! Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code! Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved! Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky! Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side! Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep. Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo mama so fat she influences the tides. Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse. Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo Mama Jokes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been."Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked."The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.""The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.""And the third envelope?" asked her friends."The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said..."So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Miscellaneous

Written by a Viet Nam VetGOD BLESS AMERICA!"In Memory of The Twin Towers"Warning song to Osama bin Laden(the tune of Rawhide)The devil came from nowhereHe attacked us from the sky.He bloodied up our nationdidn't give a reason why.Now he's placed a spear in our eyesaid its done it Allahs nameSo God's coming lookin for himAnd he's got himself to blame.No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.Just go hidin in your hillsYou'll be buried in your caves.You'll get what you've got comin nowFor being Satans slaves.You've woke the sleeping giantFrom his legendary sleepNow with open roar like lionsThere's one promise he will keepNo more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.So don't close your eyes a momentCause you surely see death there.Don't waste your time in moaninYou just haven't got a prayer.You chose to terrify the worldwith your sensely killing spreeBrought violence into our livesPlaced hate inside of me.No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.In this peaceful loving NationHome of brave and of the freeAll are calling up your numberover land and over seaWe have seen the vileness in your soulthe horrors you createNow this angry nations cominglook around we're at your gateNo more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
Miscellaneous

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour."Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat"."No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said."Except you're cat. It's dead"!"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!"What do you mean?", replied Paddy."Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again."All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma -She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!
Miscellaneous

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!
Miscellaneous

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A. Ask your mother.Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. Wiped his ass.Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?A. Spitting, swallowing and garglingQ. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?A. You know she'll swallow.Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?A. No one to talk to during orgasm.Q. What do you call a smart blonde?A. A golden retriever.Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?A. The one with the dirty knees.Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A. A battery has a positive side.Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?A. The blonde, because she's 18.Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sexA. "Honey, I'm home!"Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Q. How can you tell a macho women?A. She rolls her own tampons.Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?A: Hair balls.Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?A: Crust.Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Miscellaneous

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"__________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!__________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!__________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."__________________________________________A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"" Honey, "the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"__________________________________________Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."__________________________________________"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate."Terrible! "the roommate answered." He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."" Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?""He was the original owner!"__________________________________________In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."__________________________________________A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"."My father grows beans," said one student."My father cooks beans," said another.Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."__________________________________________Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ? Little Johnny : " He gets stepped on. " __________________________________________Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"
Miscellaneous

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.Hey! he said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
Miscellaneous

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Miscellaneous

Isn't this the truth!...1970: Long Hair2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high.2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.1970: Keg.2000: EKG.1970: Acid Rock.2000: Acid Reflux.1970: Moving to California because it's cool.2000: Moving to California because it's warm.1970: Growing pot.2000: Growing pot belly.1970: Douglas Street bridge.2000: Dental bridge.1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.1970: Seeds and stems.2000: Roughage.1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.2000: Popping joints.1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.1970: Paar.2000: AARP.1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.1970: Killer weed.2000: Weed killer.1970: Hoping for a BMW.2000: Hoping for a BM.1970: The Grateful Dead.2000: Dr. Kevorkian.1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.2000: Getting a new hip joint.1970: Rolling Stones.2000: Kidney stones.1970: Being called into the principal's office.2000: Calling the principal's office.1970: Screw the system!2000: Upgrade the system.1970: Peace sign.2000: Mercedes logo.1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.1970: Take acid.2000: Take antacid.1970: Passing the driver's test.2000: Passing the vision test.1970: "Whatever"2000: "Depends
Miscellaneous

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven.""Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"
Miscellaneous

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.2. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?4. I envy your lipstick.5. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.8. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.9. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?11. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.
Miscellaneous

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water BedNixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold SoreNixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcaseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No differenceNixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G SpotNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Miscellaneous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Miscellaneous

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!
Miscellaneous

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."They hugged and made their peace.A little while later, Hillary asked Bill -"So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"
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Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.Name: Bertha Belch.Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & FastingConference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!
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Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want!"The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again."
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Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in.The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK... I'll let you in, but only for three days!"
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You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington!* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.Beauty is only a light switch away.* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.Watch out for gay limbo dancers.* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?Express Lane: Five beers or less.* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.You're too good for him.* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CANo wonder you always go home alone.* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CAWhat are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
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36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"2. "Duct tape won't fix that."3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."5. "You can't feed that to the dog."6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."8. "Professional wresslin's fake."9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"10. "We're vegetarians."11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."19. "Trim the fat off that steak."20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."21. "The tires on that truck are too big."22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."35. "Elvis who?"36. "Checkmate"
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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.""Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.""Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly."At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.""That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is usually right.Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.A fool and his money will soon be partying.Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
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"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming."I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All My Modems. "If you don't already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Don't even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by "dialing up" a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10%of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link. )Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but it's true).Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sows another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, you've taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction.After you take the next step by dialing up the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that it's very easy to "log-on. "This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when you're on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but you're too "up" to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you enter one or two of your own.That's fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; you're calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu.Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program title sand descriptions scroll by. They're FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and you're landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, you've downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelman's PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil). BBS-LIST. DQC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (There's evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each board's specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talk's voluminous dialing directory.You try the number again -- still busy. You think, "Hey, there's one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe I'll try it. It's about half-way across the country, but it's after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It won't be too expensive."The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes you've downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board --only this one's completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night . . . and the next night. . . and the next. . . . Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills -- if she hasn't divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that one's busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost "high." When you finally hang up, you still can't work; you can only dial up another RBBS.Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this society's terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine "bingo cards." Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them. )Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest.The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills, and you can find peace -- at last.
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Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for...their baby was born!So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy...this little baby had to be theirs.Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.The nurse, hearing this, said "He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!
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"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.""All generalizations are false.""Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.""I love cats...they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their King!""E. coli Happens""Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!""Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician""If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.""SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....""Towers will be violated""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ""End rape. Say 'Yes!'""I KNOW JACK SHIT!""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.""Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some.""I Brake For No Apparent Reason.""When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! ""Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.""Wink, I'll do the rest!""I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!""No Radio - Already Stolen""Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.""Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""When there's a will, I want to be in it!""Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?""If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?""Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ""I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!""I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!""Assassins do it from behind!""Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!""Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!""Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.""IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ""Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""Which came first? The woman or the department store?""LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.""Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?""I'm not as think as you drunk I am""First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Don't come knocking if the car is rocking""Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter""Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?""We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.""Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.""He who laughs last thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""i souport publik edekasion""The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.""We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock.""2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.""I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ""Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.""I is a college student.""Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.""Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.""Eschew obfuscation.""God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!""I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?""CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.""We're staying together for the sake of the cats.""It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.""My karma ran over your dogma.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.""Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.""Welcome to Texas, now go home.""It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.""Life's too short to dance with ugly men.""Life's too short to dance with ugly women.""My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her.""When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).""Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Will Rogers never met a lawyer.""Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""Don't steal. The government hates competition.""Is there life before coffee?""Never play leap frog with a unicorn.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m""The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.""I Cayman went.""My other wife is beautiful.""I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?""Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.""Nuke the unborn baby whales.""Geez if you belive in honkus.""Friends don't let friends drive naked.""Save California; when you leave take someone with you.""I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.""There's one in every crowd and they always find me.""If money could talk, it would say goodbye.""When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.""Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.""If it's too loud, you're too old.""The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.""Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.""Who cares who's on board?""Die Yuppie Scum.""Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.""Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.""Women make great leaders. You're following one now.""Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.""Exxon Suxx.""Honk if you love cheeses.""Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.""I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.""So many pedestrians, so little time."
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You know you're Castle Trash if......Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvetYour daughter's chastity belt has rustedYou can't afford a cod piece................nobody noticesYou have more sheep dogs than sheepYou sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have...The plague improved your complexion...........but only for a little whileThe Pope sends you to the Crusades...........in NorwayYour armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gumYour wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettierThe grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottomYour wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdomYou won "most improved " at the tournamentThey call your daughter made MarianYour family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort"Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son
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* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.* A fool and his money are soon partying.* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."* Death to all fanatics!* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.* Chastity is curable, if detected early.* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.* Half the people you know are below average.* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.And finally....* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
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Some Words of Wisdom...The gene pool could use a little chlorine.Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal.WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.Give me ambiguity or give me something else.We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.He who laughs last thinks slowest.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock. Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
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OXYMORONS...Act naturally Found missingResident alienAdvanced BASIC Genuine imitationSafe sexAirline food Good grief Same differenceAlmost exactlyGovernment organizationSanitary landfillAlone togetherLegally drunk Silent screamBritish fashion Living dead Small crowdBusiness ethicsMicrosoft WorksSoft rock Butt headMilitary intelligenceSoftware documentationCalifornia cultureNew classic Sweet sorrow Childproof"Now, then ..."Synthetic natural gas Christian ScientistsPassive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstoodPeace force Temporary tax increase Computer jockPlastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer securityPolitical science Tight slacksDefinite maybePretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice creamRap music Working vacation Exact estimateReligious tolerance
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
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Very Short Books...1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs13) Human Rights organizations in Libya14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players21) Famous Hillbilly Physics22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore23) Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore24) Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall25) Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition26) How to start you own part time Hospital from home27) Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams28) E-mail address directory for the homeless29) All Night Libyan Moshe pits30) List of Fine Wines from Iran
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Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."My court case comes up next Thursday.One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.Every morning is the dawn of a new error...A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...The beatings will continue until morale improves.I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.Budget: A method for going broke methodically.Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.Dain bramaged.Department of Redundancy DepartmentWhat has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWLC:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN<-------- The information went data way -------->Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compressionThe Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not RespondingThe name is Baud......, James Baud.Access denied--nah nah na na
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Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminatinghunger. What do men dream of?Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
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Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.Spinster: A bachelor's wife.Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
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Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Is so dense, light bends around her. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.Other funnies...Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Random Thoughts:When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.War decides not who is right, but who is left.
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Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)
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One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill "You have one wish."Bill Clinton cried "But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!" "Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you," replied the Genie.Bill Clinton thought hard and said "Bring peace to the middle east." He took out a map to show the Genie.The genie said "Nope. Can't do that choose another wish." This next wish came up right away."I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do" The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly "Um...can I take a look at that map again?"
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What might've happened:Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics."Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!"Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?""Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered."Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?""Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.""Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
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Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on hergood side. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass. Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, andthigh! Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on theother side to get her through. Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a watertower. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real. Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I couldeat a horse!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!" Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!" Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!" Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher a dinosaur. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher the key to the store. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper,they gave her the sign. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as thescreen. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at theradio station. Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motionmachine. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of themilk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on themilk truck. Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she'sgliding across the floor. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load. Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearingropes. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F,G-String. Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on thewater. Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master. Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by acontractor. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back inbed. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, thedoctor gave her 5 years to live. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar. Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall! Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames. Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7,and 8. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through thewall. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelledsomething burning. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds. Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lightswent on. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks"Where can I try that on?" Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits. Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her buttcheeks. Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line. Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon. Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast isclear." Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on otherside." Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon. Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached herwaist they spelled "BouleVarD." Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," shegot the part as the big rolling ball. Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay." Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said"Sorry, we don't do curtains." Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate. Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to rolloff, I was still on her. Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his wordfor it! Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, shecouldn't identify them. Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham. Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as aChevy. Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light shestarts eating. Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow. Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like"What ya'll eating? I'll try it!" Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food sheate it. Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not loseweight. Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it. Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on. Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on thelightbulb. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up asofa. Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 poundtest! Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes. Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through herbelt loops. Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator. Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code. Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome backparty. Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I wasstill on top of the bitch. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get groupinsurance! Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was afloat. Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount. Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone. Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she wasan oil spill. Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back andsaid "I'll wait my turn." Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense. Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn." Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs. Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wetspot. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out. Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out. Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck. Yo mama's so fat, I tried to fuck her doggy style but I was just ridin'piggy back. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Getthe fuck off." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Fuck it,they don't pay me enough!" Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, wedon't do livestock." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please stepout of the car." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number. Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued." Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time,please." Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit. Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take theburro ride down. Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back. Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat. Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as anew world. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket. Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years. Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on theRichter scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "ThankYou, Come Again." Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs. Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost. Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimmingpool. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub. Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub. Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, andoh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' EnglishMuffin. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket shewanted, she said the one on the roof. Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets. Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks. Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds. Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her ass. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun. Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her. Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozonelayer. Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her upwith Detroit. Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA,he'd seen her too. Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for aweek. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Breakit up!" Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears. Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen. Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just saidH d. Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat. Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. ofgravy. Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks. Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes. Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider. Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells"Earthquake!" Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hipssaying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass." Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutesof your show. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig isthe door. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95. Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check. Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, peoplewalked by and said "Look at the elephant!" Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn"sign. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic. Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World. Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on. Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "Weare family!" Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ridethe wave in. Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up mustcome down, except Yo mama." Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn. Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backingup. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy,Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac. Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets. Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down. Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store isthe dressing rooms. Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleeptrying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks. Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eatbuffet. Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet. Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND thehouse. Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead. Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at thesame time. Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747. Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a blackhole. Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show. Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry. Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her. Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled"Hey! Stop that Twinkie." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-AidMan." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its theschool bus. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, coverher feet like a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag herass back in the water. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanketacross Lake Michigan. Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out. Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house thetires pop. Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling. Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!" Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's. Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to fuck her I didn't know if I was hittingthe hole or a roll. Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to fuck her he had to peel too many fatrolls and said "Fuck It." Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out. Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting hergot lost in her. Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought itwas American Airlines biggest jet. Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet. Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair ofshoes. Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three secondswithout getting called for a key violation. Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts. Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees. Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...peoplesay "I didn't know we had mountains." Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested. Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho." Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate,she got blue prints. Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo. Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if shewas walking or rolling. Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landingon her back. Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide. Yo mama's so big, she reached in her pocket and handed me a CD, a CompactDishwasher. Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burntfrom re-entry. Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One sizefits most" Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to flythey stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes thetide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juicebox because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of thepool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted tomakeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" andshe said "What... does.... yield... mean?" Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was makinga booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yourhouse. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behindit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on theother side. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting. Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey. Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to saygo. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she askedif I had anything written by Bart. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building,but she got lost on the way down. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of thebasement window. Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and"Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bakesale. Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, shesaid "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be abranch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she wasdoing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and shestarted ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster. Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her allday to get Yo family out. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the topdown. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin andthrew it back. Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for theseason." Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, shedrove through the window. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eatfor food." Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobilehome. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on thefloor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in mymouth?" Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order. Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take theKleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked whatcolors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked hertwo front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into anenvelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin'"Free Lays!" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone orderedsmall fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough toblow her nose. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power aflea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop. Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went andgot toilet paper. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, shesaid "Ok, but what's the teams?" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said"Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long sheslept. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me DanMarino. Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved todeath. Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd getchange. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard therewas change in the weather. Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rdgrade. Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if Igave her two guesses. Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had threeguesses. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him newones. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fishwith. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the postoffice. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said"I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put"Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling. Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun thatgets paid. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she gotmugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M,F, and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not writebelow the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - sheput Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer becausethere's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts ofwater in the bix. Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in herears. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelledMACY's wrong." Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contactshe put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it soundslike this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guessand she said "Ah Levis?" Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y shesaid "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off. Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because shecouldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yomama's..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there'sHarry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece ofwood. Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" becauseshe couldn't read. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearviewmirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign,she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ranoutside with a spoon. Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd helphis unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around thehome, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishingrod. Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven'tseen the bitch since. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of aclean glass. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door. Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911". Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner andshe went looking for it. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holidayalbum. Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows athome. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves foryour car. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on herfoot. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a TacoBell commercial. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephonebill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said"Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for agumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing awayall the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs. Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her nameshe said "I think I'll take the physical challenge." Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, noprofessionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks backshaking it's head. Yo mama's so ugly, when the terminator said "I'll be back" he left running.Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from thecondom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a track cleat. Yo mama's so ugly, she's uugly. I had to add another u `cause u is uglytoo! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells herto get out. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful ofpardons. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, Ipinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What thefuck?!?!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighborschipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, roaches go "Hi mom!" Yo mama's so ugly, she hurt my feelings. Yo mama's so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night. Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, people make jokes about her. Yo mama's so ugly, I can't even make a joke out of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it everytime. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit withthe ugly log. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran throughthe whole damn forest. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.Yo mama's so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn uglytree! Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get thedog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog stillwouldn't play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dogbiscuits. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radiosdon't get stolen. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with ajob application. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks forbringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how'dyou get out so fast." Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't come back in. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell they said "There's nothingordinary about it!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went camping, the park ranger was like "HeyYogi!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position and its still doggystyle. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off ofit. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her formooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herselfin the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a flavor da bitch would be oogalicious. Yo mama's so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has fourbig toes. Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yardgym. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birthcontrol! Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control. Yo mama's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on water to get a drink. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with apaycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare Cujo off a meat truck. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels. Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she masterbates she gets arrested for cruelty toanimals. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she scares roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keepbreaking. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise.Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be thedream team. Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have tokiss her good-bye. Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bagson her head in case one of them breaks. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd ratherkiss her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What atreasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on thecouch face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and herparents. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked everyone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then herface, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her face. Yo mama's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.Yo mama's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.Yo mama's so ugly, your real pops could only be a fuckin' dog. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hitby a train. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled"rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull. Yo mama?s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she?d get the electric chair.Yo mama's so ugly, she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it. Yo mama's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out forStar Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her facestopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picturewould be next to it. Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty. Yo mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to buryher. Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on thetable and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off thesurveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator withtinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said"Twins." Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, you could stick her face in dough and make monstercookies. Yo mama's so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangeredelephant. Yo mama's so damn ugly and desperate, she did Winnie the Pooh and Tigertoo. Yo mama's such an ugly bitch, she has a sign in her yard that says "Bewareof Dog." Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with aslingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, she can stand on the front porch and count the chickensin the back. When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can causedoctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone's. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book. Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, when the police asked her for her ID, she gave them arock. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on theBlock. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo mama's so old, she owes Moses a quarter. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flickthe switch. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other sidefishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, her birthday expired. Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs. Yo mama's so old, she got slapped by Eve for blowing Adam. Yo mama's so old, she took friendship pictures with Adam & Eve. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade. Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. Yo mama's so old & ugly, her name is Ape. Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started tofight. Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so old, she watches PBS. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus. Yo mama's so old, she's got a pair of Air Moses sneakers. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her tits fell off. Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles. Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles. Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws aright, a right, and another right." Yo mama has so many fat rolls that she has to screw her pants on. Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand. Yo mama has 3 eyes and they call her "Eye-eye-eye." Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo mama's has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers. Yo mama has a `fro with landing lights. Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo mama has a moustache and they call her Bob. Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo mama has no legs, no arms, and no eyes but she's still the one for me.Yo mama has no arms and bought a vest. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Drill-Bit. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Chopper One. Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. Yo mama has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out aSugar Daddy. Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper. Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo mama has so much hair on her chest, her tits look like coconuts. Yo mama has so much dandruff, a fly landed on her head and said "Damn, Ihaven't seen this much snow in years." Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like itsthrowin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue isin jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardwarestore. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe thatshit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dentalinsurance. When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kicka field goal. Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns intolemonade. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testingbutter scotch. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he toldher to smile. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybodysaid "I see the light!" Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it wascorn. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the YellowBrick Road. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in hermouth. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a KraftSingles pack. Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavitycreeps. Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr.Ed. Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed itto death. Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give mea bite." Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.Yo mama's so black, every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on. Yo mama's so black, if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn intocoffee. Yo mama's so black, she bleeds smoke. Yo mama's so black, she could show up naked to a funeral. Yo mama's so black, when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like acheese burger. Yo mama's so black, she drinks water and pees coffee. Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires. Yo mama's so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo mama's so black, she makes night look like day. Yo mama's so black, she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars.Yo mama's so black, when she goes outside street lights turn on. Yo mama's so black, she got her tattoo done in chalk. Yo mama's so black, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime. Yo mama's so black, when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she hason patent leather pants. Yo mama's so black, when the police shot at her the bullets came back forflashlights. Yo mama's so black, when you go swimming it looks like an oil spill. Yo mama's so black, when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear whitegloves to keep from chewing her fingers off. Yo mama's so black, if she had a red light she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tintedwindows. Yo mama's so black, when she smiles at night she looks like floatingChicklets. Yo mama's so black, when she spits, ink comes out her mouth. Yo mama's so black, if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, her nickname is evening. Yo mama's so black, she makes asphalt look grey. Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo.Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if thatrubber breaks, your ass is dead. Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents youcan get a slurpy. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she getsdumped. Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. Yo mama's like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, fast, easy and free! Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, balls are always popping out of her mouth. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, I can always put my balls in her mouth. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eather. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on anystreet corner. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, andguys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Discover card, she gives cash back. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn herup, down, on, and off. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. Yo mama's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit threefingers in. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. Yo mama's like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown downthe gutter, and she still comes back for more. Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a fan, she's always blowing someone. Yo mama's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobodycan remember all the fathers. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like Blockbuster Video, everyone goes home happy. Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send heraway. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laidby Mexicans. Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Yo mama's like a shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a f
Miscellaneous

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In hissleep.Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Miscellaneous

Confucius say...Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.Man who fart in church sit in own pew.Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.Man with atletic finger make broad jump.Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.Elevator smell different to midget.Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.Man who lay girl on hill not on level.He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headacheHe who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.He who refuses to listen is lying.He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.It take square ass to shit a brick.The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.Boy who play with himself pulls boner.Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makespectacle of self.Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
Miscellaneous

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna twopissa toast. She bring me only one piss.I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you nounderstand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no pisson plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla mesomma ma b*tch.Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy anatell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress shebring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - Shetell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonnama b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. Icalla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go totoilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He sayyou betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know manana he call me sonna ma b*tch!I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I saypeace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!
Miscellaneous

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.14. Nobody is normal.15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.20. You should not confuse your career with your life.21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.24. Your friends love you anyway.25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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