I never do anything that i would get a referl in school for. So one day in 8th grade i asked one of my teachers to write me up. And he did. When i got home my mom was sleeping and my dad was in the living room. I handed him the copy that i got to take home and he read it. while he was reading it u gould see the anger building in him. Then he laughed at the end. My mom comes out of the room awhile later and reads it. While she is reading it she asks me questions like "who was it?" And she luaghed at the end. A this is what it said i had been cuaght by three girls writing that a teacher sucks in the girls bathroom and that i would be suspended for a couple of days and that i would have to by paint to cover it up and at the end it said that i knew that this was a april fools joke my parent were pissed before they read that i knew it was a joke
April Fools Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, ?Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.? 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ?Say what breed is that anyway?? The owner says, ?Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?
Bar Jokes

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies."I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." "But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch.""Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Jokes

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Clean Jokes

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
Computer Jokes

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Dirty Jokes

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dirty Jokes

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?
Men Jokes

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Redneck Jokes

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
Travel Jokes

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
Women Jokes

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales StyleSalespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their timeselling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery twodays before the season opens. Software salespeople ship thefirst thing they catch and write up an invoice for anelephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint themgray and sell them as "desktop elephants."Sent by Alex
Animal World

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
Animal World

A double whammy:Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?So they can hide in cherry trees.What's the loudest noise in the jungle?A Monkey eating cherries.
Animal World

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical duringintermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I knowprofessionally."Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
At Work

Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
At Work

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?""That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.""Was it when they cut off your balls?""That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.""What was the most painful part?""The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
At Work

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comeshome from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see wheremy husband put his hand last night?" He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work aheadof me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"
At Work

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.""Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again."Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?""Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Blonds

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreadseasy!
Blonds

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Sent by Zena
Celebrities

What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Celebrities

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother'sson?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.
Children

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
Children

Millennia Year Application Software System This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Computers

A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Computers

Application to Live in KentuckyName:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________Mamma:_________________________Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark RedNumber of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________Truck equipped with:____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting RifleNumber of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____BUMPER STICKERS:____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle AssociationDefine the following (must be 90% correct):1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. ChitlinsFavorite Vocalist:____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car WillieFavorite Recreation:____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____OtherName of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____DukeName of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____DaisyWeapons Owned:___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry SwitchNumber of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird DawgCap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear ___N.R.A. ___Redman ____KodiakNumber of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________Memberships:___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy___John Birch SocietyLength of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color ofPrimer Red? ___Yes ___NoHow many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________Are you married to any of the following:____Sister ____Cousin ____SowDo you know her name?________________Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________If so, why?______________________________________________________________Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ To 21 with your fly up?_____________________Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________Medical Information:Do you have at least two of the following:___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___ChafingIF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BEELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARESLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.
Ethnic

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
Ethnic

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
Ethnic

Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by?.swallowing 100 pain killers?A: After two he began to feel better.
Ethnic

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure ifmy future bride is a virgin or not."His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need issome red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red andone ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those arethe funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
Ethnic

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?""The guy was your doctor."
Miscellaneous

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrongwith me. My dick is orange."The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. Hehas no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently paintedanything orange.The old man said "No."The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recentlybeen exposed to any chemicals at work.The old man said "No, I'm retired."The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with anychemicals in his garage.The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sitaround all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
Elderly

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye."What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Elderly

|At the Gym For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. Day 1 They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.Day 2 Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great Day 3 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.Day 4 Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. Day 5 I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6 Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.Day 7 Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
Sport Jokes

|Snowboarding Lessons When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it." This is the voice of Satan. I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales. I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days. This is because I went snowboarding. For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool." People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together. We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill). If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw. At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance. So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing. In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range. Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you. Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc. Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope. Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete. You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.) We learned snowboarding via a two step method: Step One: Watching Brad do something.Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves. I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot. "Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully. Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!" Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me. If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
Sport Jokes

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Relationships

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Relationships

he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,THREE deconstructionist poets,TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Miscellaneous

Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilettraining, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be thelast time in your life that you will have all of the answers.3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep,get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put thealarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanutbutter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish fingerbehind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers inthe flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains withcrayons. How does that look?5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy anoctopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the stringbag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - allmorning.6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotchtape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take amilk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffsand make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, youhave just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leaveit out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't looklike that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glovecompartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassetteplayer. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them downthe back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.There!, Perfect!8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Goout the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walkvery slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutelyevery cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and deadinsect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had asmuch as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to trytaking a small child for a walk.9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing youcan find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. Ifyou intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buyyour week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Payfor everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easilyaccomplish this do not even contemplate having children.11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it fromthe ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggyFroot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon bypretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loopsare gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of itfalls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, SesameStreet and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourselfsinging "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualifyas a parent.
Miscellaneous

Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them.Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house."But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?"Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union bossand gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form."But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womynto oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until allwomyn were free."But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, sincehe's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attendinga special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypicalwomyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender afeeling of community."But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick andhence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn'tactually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,although that was not to imply that any of these conditions wereinferior to what some people called "health".Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of deliveringthe basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerousplace, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based oncultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regardedthe natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed thatnatural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, butRed Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peopleswould be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as validlifestyle role models.On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, andwandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her whatwas in her basket.Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, andchose to dialogue with the Wolf.She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gestureof solidarity."The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walkthrough these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, butI will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirelyvalid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards herGrandmother's house.But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence tolinear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma'shouse. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative ofhis nature as a predator.Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put onGrandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in yourrole of wise and nurturing matriarch."The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!""You forget that I am optically challenged.""And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.""Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn'tgive in to such societal pressures, my child.""And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reactionappropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbedLittle Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could seeher poor Grandmother cowering in his belly."Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "Youmust request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax."Hands off!" cried the woodchopper."And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I letyou help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities,which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on collegeentrance exams.""Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! Thisis an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red RidingHood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head."Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and hergrandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.""No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've beendealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowersearlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?""Sure," said the Wolf."Thanks.""I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on hisfirm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" Thomas E. Maloney
Miscellaneous

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Super glue is forever McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water Pool filters do not like Jello VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do Always look in the oven before you turn it on The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy It will however make cats dizzy Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Miscellaneous

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she doesn't deserve to have any." James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe, but not in the House." Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000." Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
Miscellaneous

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
Miscellaneous

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony.
Religion

TWO NUNS AND A BLIND MANTwo nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door."Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Religion

I HAD A BAD DAY It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."
Situations

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.Up walks a so called "lady of the night". Shesays, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want."Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:Ok. Paint my house, bitch!
Situations

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brandnew tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belongto, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,waiting for the lights to change.A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts."What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust."Tennis ball," came the breathless reply."Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. Ihad tennis elbow once."
Situations

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were thencaptured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisonersthat they could live if they pass the trial. First step of thetrial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten piecesof the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways togather fruits.The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought tenapples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shovethe fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'llbe eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he wincedout in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself thatthis should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on theninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doingjust great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with allthose watermelons!"
Situations

Santas DiversionSanta was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman wasawaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear."OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighedand delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presentsyou know."Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remainingclothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, pleasereconsider? Stay with me?"With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, ploppinghimself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl."Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"Sent by Neicey
Situations

Playgirl Rejection LetterNovember 30, 1995PLAYGIRL, INC.Dear Mrs. Smith, We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid pictureof your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue asthe Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,and as a life-time memento on his birthday. We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, asit is our routine procedure, with the following results: When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rateda -2. To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photographto another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn'tget them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him. The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!" The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhapsthey could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!" We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however, invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Pleasebe advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in John's case.Yours truly,Jane BrownPlaygirl, Inc.
Sex

A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to givehim hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot paintedon his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's aconversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lotsof pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so hepaints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking sohe picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks himwhat it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"
Sex

Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint!"
Sex

Proctologists Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing. Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end." Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash- ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc, I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he's one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political convention. Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve people's concept of these doctors of the down under. o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica- tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have their fingernails removed. o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort. o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like: "Let our fingers do the walking." "We'll bend over backwards for you." "Please, take my seat." "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning." "It looks like the End."o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers like: "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar." "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you." "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!" "Yes, I see a family resemblance." "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low." "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..." "Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let's do a dry run." "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet." "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove." "How long have you had this crack in your butt?" "I see you had pizza last night." "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?" "Ah, you must be gay." "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?" "Ooops, I think I lost my watch." "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!" "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill." "Gee, I hope I can get this out." "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?" "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"Jack KolbDept. of English, UCLAkolb@ucla.edu
Medicine

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minoroperation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady ina white dress and brought to the corridor. Beforethey enter the room she leaves her behind the theatredoor to go in and check whether everything is ready.A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes thesheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walksaway and talks to another man in a white coat. The secondman comes over and does the same examinations.When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations arefine and appreciated, but when are you going to start thoperation?"The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I haveno idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Medicine

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
Medicine

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
Medicine

Humor story by Larry GravesWebsite: http://www.gravetimes.com/ MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONSA few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence: #1 "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!" #2 "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go.First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the Guinness Book of World Records. The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constantlaughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was being woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't think so." Another dream shattered...sent by Larry Graves
Medicine

Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Women

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!! BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Women

ELEMENT: WOMANSYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS:Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't comeinto contact with each other.
Women

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to just drop dead!' Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.
Men

The Math Test California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency ExamName:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________ 1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Politics

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
Politics

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
Politics

Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive citizen. Best wishes, Bill Clinton President United States of America P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.
Politics

WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v.s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
Legal

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals.The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain."Where the hell am I?"A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over.""Well, what the hell happened to me?""We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?"The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?""Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice littlebird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Ouch

Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50)HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15)POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1:30-2:45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6:00-8:15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8:00-8:50)COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7:00-9:15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9:30-10:45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH (MWF 10:00-10:50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS (MWF 9:00-9:50)ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME (WTBS 4:35-5:05)MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 (TH 5:30-7:15)ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS (TH 11:00-12:15)ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST (MW 3:00-3:50)MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN (TH 9:30-10:45)POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS (M 1:00-1:05)ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS (MWF 2:00-2:50)MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT (W 6:00-8:30)COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "MELROSE PLACE" (MTWTFSS 9:00-4:15)A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVER AS A PAINT BRUSH (TH 3:00-4:15)HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE (MWF 1:00-1:50)ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF BARNEY FIFE (MWF 9:00-9:50)PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS (TH 2:00-3:15)TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY (M 7:00-9:15)ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS (MWF 10:00-10:50)Thanks to stampo (genie.com)
School

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Travel

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the followingconversation took place:First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outgolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will buildher a new deck for the pool."Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that Iwill remodel the kitchen for her."They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy hasnot said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater."
Sports

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON-- written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance. 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. Your most obedient servant, Wellington
War

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders senta message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give himits hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture towait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion."What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief."Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
Foreigners

|There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
Animal Jokes

|John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat."How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand."It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Bar Jokes

|A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful."Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?""Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
Bar Jokes

|A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Blonde Jokes

|A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Blonde Jokes

|Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
Blonde Jokes

|A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Doctor Jokes

|A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain."I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000.""I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'.""I'll take it," the attorney said.
Lawyer Jokes

|NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's CostumeMEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia.But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.
Lawyer Jokes

|It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
Aviation Jokes

|Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Aviation Jokes

|Dear Sir,I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
Business Jokes

|An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?A: Too early to say.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What do economists and computers have in common?A: You need to punch information into both of them.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did the market economist cross the road? A: To reach the consensus forecast. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates? A: Deflator mouse --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends on the wage rate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None - the market has already discounted the change. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven plus or minus ten.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's? A: The economist is the one with the calculator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen?A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why did God create economists?A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What does an economist do?A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two economists meet on the street.One inquires, "How's your wife?"The other responds, "Relative to what?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------To an economist, real life is a special case.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Economists have forecasted nine out of the last five recessions.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why has astrology been invented?A: So that economy could be an accurate science.
Business Jokes

|A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced."Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Military Jokes

|At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
Military Jokes

|A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer. "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Farming Jokes

|Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
Camping Jokes

|Ten common fishing terms explainedCatch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit. Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
Camping Jokes

|A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.
Doctor Jokes

|Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."The man groaned but didn't budge.The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police.The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Sam," the man moaned."Where ya from, Sam?"With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
Police Jokes

|A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim."I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company."Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head."You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?""Yeah, but" stammered the farmer."A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly."Yes," Replied the farmer.Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said."Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"
Police Jokes

|A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
Police Jokes

|In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:ExposureA Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"RadiationA Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme ForceA Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.Extreme ColdA Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.Extreme HeatA Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.ImmersionA Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.Summary of ResultsThe Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989
Food Jokes

|There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it. There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between. The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone. After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.Part Two: Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole. Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust. All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them. Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name. Part Three: All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream. Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
Computing Jokes

|My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
Computing Jokes

|10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
Computing Jokes

|Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.
Computing Jokes

|User(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkieJolt in my brains and body feeling chunkyWith the plastic mouse balls spray paint the CommodoreSystem install with the hard drive on the floorKill the process and put it in /dev/nullEmail flaming with the user hitting D-controlShell's called Reno and it's written in CGot a couple of xterms, keys set to repeatRoot came sayin' I'm insane to complainAbout an online wedding and a stain on my screenDon't believe everything that you make(1)You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fakeSo write your code in Perl in the darkSaving all your hacks for working at a tech parkYo - punch itSo - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(Double dense floppy)So - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmareBan all the members in a phony #chat channel 'causeOne's got a handle and the other's got a .planOne online spammed the other and ranWith the FTP and the insane print jobThe daytime crap of the alt.test slobHe hung himself with a call to pingTwenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another stringRTFM if you can't relateTrade the Sun for a car and the Web for a dateAnd MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbieThat's choking on my MPEGsSo - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(Get crazy with the caps lock)So - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(Drive-by BIFF post)...Yo, bring it on down...I'm a hacker, I'm a winnerProgram's gonna work, I can feel itSo - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(I can't retrieve you)So - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(NULL)So - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)So - dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?(Know what I'm typin'?)
Computing Jokes

|Microsoft vs. GMAt a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
Computing Jokes

|Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.2. The farm was used to produce produce.3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.4. We must polish the Polish furniture.5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10. I did not object to the object.11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when does are present.15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Ethnical Jokes

|For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.Harlez-vous fran硩s?CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum.I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris.THE CAT IS DEAD.Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf.LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem.DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠Moe le deluge.LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine.FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice.I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton.TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy.LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France.DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡t, c'est moo.I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.Cogito, ergo spud.I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.(OK, another exception.)
Ethnical Jokes

|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.35% give to charity at least once a month.How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder.69% eat the cake before the frosting.When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.85% of us will eat Spam this year.70% of us drink orange juice daily.Snickers is the most popular candy.22% of us skip lunch daily.9% of us skip breakfast daily.66% of us eat cereal regularly.22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.45% use mouthwash every day.22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.The typical shower is 101 degrees F.Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.58% of women paint their nails regularly.33% of women lie about their weight.10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.57% have had deja vu.49% believe in ESP.44% have broken a bone.Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.14% have attended a self-help meeting.15% regularly go to a shrink.78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.29% of us ignore RSVP.71.6% of us eavesdrop.22% are functionally illiterate.Less than 10% are trilingual.37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.56% of women do the bills in a marriage.2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch.53% read their horoscopes regularly.16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).59% of us say we're average-looking.Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.2 out of 5 have married their first love.The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.6% propose over the phone.71% can drive a stick-shift car.45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.12% of men never use their car blinkers.44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.25% of us drive after we've been drinking.4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Ethnical Jokes

|WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALKBECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNERHow to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lessonAig - What a hen laysAints - He's got aints in his paintsPaints - What cha put on your laigs of a morninArn - Ma's tard of arninBag - He bagged her to marry himBobbed - A bobbed wire fenceBresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.Bub - the light bub burned outCheer - What you set inCrick - A small streamClum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coonChiny - country over in AsiaChuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothesCore - He got hisself a new Ford coreCyow - Animal on FarmDeppity - He helps out the shurfDribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirtDainz - Satidy night socialEllum - A graceful treeFanger - What you put your rang onFaince - Whats round the hawg lotFar - What get the brandin arn hotFurred - He got furred from his jobFlar - A rose is a purdy flarFrash - Them aigs ain't frashFuriners - All non-'bamansFurther - Hits ten miles further to townGrain - She was grain with envyHail - Where bad folks goHep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.Hern - It aint hern, it's his'nHilbilly - People in the next countyHollar - Whats between the hillsHard - Got a brend new hardhand Tar - His core blew a tarLaymun - A sour fruitLaig - Most folks have two of themLather - What you climb upLiberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyowsMere - What you see your self inMinners - Live baitMisrus - Married WomanNar - Opposite of wideNayk - Your head sets on itNup - NoOrrel - Them hinges need orrelOrmy - What the sojers go inPank - A light red colorParch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass growPetition - What separate the roomsPoke - A paper bag or sackPokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in PokeSalit - A green vegetablePuppet - What the preacher is inPurdy - She is purdy as a pitcherPurt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pigRang - You wear it on your fangerRut - That there tree sure has long rutsRah cheer - I was born rah cheer in townRainch - A big cow farmRat - Do it rat now!Rench - Rench the soap yourselfRoont - She plum roont her shoesSalary - A stringy vegetableSoardeens - Small canned fishShar - A light rainGully Worsher - A medium heavy rainToad strangler - A heavy rain SodyPop - A soft drinkSprang - Water out'n the groundShurf - The Shurf put Clem in jailStorch - This here aprn has to much storch in itSkeered - that plumb skeered me to deathThanks - He shore thanks he's smartTho - Tho me the ballThoat - I shore got a sore thoatWar - A bobbed war fanceWorsh - Go worsh your faceWarter - What you worsh your face inYurp - A continent overseas
Ethnical Jokes

|A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Ethnical Jokes

|Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
Mixed Jokes

|Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.
Mixed Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Bellevue, WAOn Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.They each injured themselves and not the other.It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."
Real Jokes

|LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Sport Jokes

|Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds?A: A humburger!Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?A: A bee in a submarine!Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool?A: Fooling with a bee!Q: What did the spider say to the bee?A: Your honey or your life!Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter?A: Pablo Beecasso!Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer?A: Swarm here isn't it!Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?A: Bee-thoven!Q: Who writes books for little bees?A: Bee-trix Potter!Q: Where do bees go on holiday?A: Stingapore!Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?A: He's bee-witched!
Kids Jokes

|Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?So he could hide in the cherry tree!What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?Big holes all over Australia!What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?One is a weak one and the other one week!What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?Trunkquilizers!Why are elephants grey?So you can tell them from flamingos!Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?" Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!" Why do elephants scratch themselves?Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!How does an elephant get down from a tree?He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!How do you know that peanuts are fattening?Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
Kids Jokes

|What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?I don't know!Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?One rarely bites and the other barely writes!How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?Try picking them up!What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?About 3,000 miles!What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?A gooseberry is green!
Kids Jokes

|Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?A: One is far more painful to your ears.Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?A: I'll tell you when I meet one.Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
Instrument Jokes

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Miscellaneous

-I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:-she was mistaken for god's bowling ball.-when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up-she had to go to Sea World to get babtised-she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth-her favorite dress is a tent-she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops-she has to iron her pants on the driveway-she needs a building permit for her girdle-she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring-she puts on tampons with a bazooka-she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller-she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon-she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out-she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel-she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar-when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose-the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
Miscellaneous

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"
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The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
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A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
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50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whats in muh mouf?"43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
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THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songsTHREE deconstructionist poetsTWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
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Ebonics Version of Windows '98 Debuts!Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood."Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds' loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:1.Break Back In = Re-entry2.Aww Shit = Error3.U Betta Recognize = Delete4.Itz All Good = OK5.4 Real Doe =Yes6.Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel7.Do Dat Shit Again = Reset8.R U Crazy = Are You Sure9.Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find10. Put A Cap In It = Delete11. Games & Shit = Programs12. Letter Shit = DocumentsThe Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials."The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:1.Dat Thang = File2.I Be Seein' It = View3.Put Sumpin In = Insert4.Hook It Up = Format5.Stuff I Ain't gone Need =Tools6.Number Shit = Table7.Break In = Window8.What Da F*C@*K@? = HelpNote: "Stuff I ain't gone need" (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with "Keepin' it Real."
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Managed Friendship PlanWelcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.How Does It Work?Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.What's Wrong with my Current Friends?If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.What is a Friendship Emergency?The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?Friendly Activities that are typically covered include: * Agreeing with you * Appearing sympathetic * Chewing the fat * Dropping by * Feeling your pain * Gossiping * Hanging out * Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)* * Joshing * Kidding around * Listening to you whine * Partying * Passing the time * Patting your back * Ribbing * Sharing a meal * Shooting the breeze * Slinging the bull * Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): * Bar hopping * Bending over backwards * Drinking to excess * Giving a hoot * Going the extra mile * Lending money * Real empathy * Truly caring * Using illicit drugsHow Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me? We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
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Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too.10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...
Miscellaneous

|TO: ALL PERSONNELFROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you,AccountingAttached: Extended Job-Code ListCode and Explanation5316 Useless Meeting5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting5319 Waiting for Break5320 Waiting for Lunch5321 Waiting for End of Day5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You5481 Buying Snack5482 Eating Snack5500 Filling Out Timesheet5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries5502 Waiting for Something to Happen5503 Scratching Yourself5504 Sleeping5510 Feeling Bored5511 Feeling Horny5600 Complaining About Lousy Job5601 Complaining About Low Pay5602 Complaining About Long Hours5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)5604 Complaining About Boss5605 Complaining About Personal Problems5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining5701 Not Actually Present At Job5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu6102 Ordering Out6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit6201 Stealing Company Goods6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods6205 Hiding from Boss6206 Gossip6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself6211 Updating Resume6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter6213 Out of Office on Interview6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job6223 Pretending You Like Coworker6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)6602 Complaining6603 Writing a Book on Company Time6611 Staring Into Space6612 Staring At Computer Screen6615 Transcendental Meditation7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity8000 Recreational Drug Use8001 Non-recreational Drug Use8002 Liquid Lunch8100 Reading e-mail
Job/Office Jokes

|How careers end... Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark.
Job/Office Jokes

|For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Job/Office Jokes

|Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)
Marriage Jokes

|Thought I'd let my doctor check me,'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .All those aches and pains annoyed meAnd I couldn't sleep at night.He could find no real disorderBut he wouldn't let it rest.What with Medicare and Blue Cross,We would do a couple tests.To the hospital he sent meThough I didn't feel that bad.He arranged for them to give meEvery test that could be had.I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,My aging frame displayed.Stripped, on an ice cold table,While my gizzards were x-rayed.I was checked for worms and parasites,For fungus and the crud,While they pierced me with long needlesTaking samples of my blood.Doctors came to check me over,Probed and pushed and poked around,And to make sure I was livingThey then wired me for sound.They have finally concluded,Their results have filled a page.What I have will someday kill me;My affliction is old age.
Elderly Jokes

|We're over the hill but don't feel sadThis side of the hill ain't all that bad.So give us "five" and then a smileTo us who have been here for awhile.With by-pass pain and mended hipAnd plumbing fixtures prone to drip;We all may seem a sorry lot,But we rejoice for what we've got.We have each day and what it bringsAnd on our pensions live like kings.For the press that accuses what we takeTo coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."We've paid our share for unused knowledgeAs the kids are now all done with college.We complain to them about our healthAs they worry about our dwindling wealth.And though our wardrobes may be plainWe'll suffer no more labor or pain.Now it's with cane we do our strutAnd if we can't drive - we still can putt.We're mean and tough, meet all demands,Why, M&M's melt in our hands.Yes, we're still here, and it does delight usThat you join our fight against arthritis.But we ask you make a pledge todayThat you'll be careful what you say.We have to spread "Over the Hill" fearOr we'll have those young folks over here.
Elderly Jokes

|Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Dumb Jokes

|Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them. The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30. Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien) A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno) Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher) Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena. Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee. And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
Dumb Jokes

|The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)... We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off.""He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.Now this year's winners:(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body, without the protection of his shorts. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Dumb Jokes

|August, 1998, Montevideo, UruguayPaolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
Dumb Jokes

|My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.The Trip to the HospitalFirst Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.The First StepFirst Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.The First Time the Child Fell and Got a CutFirst Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.
Mom/Dad Jokes

|1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
Christmas Jokes

|On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)* *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Christmas Jokes

|Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Irish Jokes

Questions: 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I? 5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? Answers: 1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course! Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Miscellaneous

One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3 Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30 Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10 Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2 Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28 Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26 Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26 Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25 Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!" Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years." Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. Molly McGee Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. Helen Rowland Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. Unknown I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
Miscellaneous

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
Miscellaneous

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) ATT announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them. The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30. Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien) A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno) Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher) Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena. Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee. And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
Miscellaneous

Really Stupid People Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Miscellaneous

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland. Mooring lines don't reach the dock. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs front end alignment. Needs his disk checked/reformatted. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Network constantly loses packets. Neurons are firing non-sequentially. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling. Nine rooms no furniture. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No charge in her synapses. No coins in the old fountain. No filter in the coffeemaker. No grain in the silo. No hands on the rudder/yoke. No hay in the loft. No one at the throttle. No wind in her mind's windmills. Not all his dogs are barking.
Miscellaneous

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously. If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If you called him a wit, you'd be half right. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Ignorant, and proud of it. Immune from any serious head injury. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants. In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
Miscellaneous

For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed so he had you thrown out of his office. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since. You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening. I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
Miscellaneous

We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven". You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth. You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it! A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain! We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there? Your family tree is good, but you are the sap. We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough. It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up. Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
Miscellaneous

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. You should toss out more of your funny remarks that's all they're good for. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide!
Miscellaneous

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother. Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old. 11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PBandJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Miscellaneous

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.. 9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France..' 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'. 36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'. 42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.' 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.' 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..) 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."
Miscellaneous

You know you're a redneck jedi when.. You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookiees are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Miscellaneous

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. "That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks. "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!" "Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts. A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?" The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
Miscellaneous

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Miscellaneous

* You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants. * You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate." * Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore." * The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire. * Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck. * You hunt from your bedroom window. * Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. * You refrigerate your food stamps. * You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill. * You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween. * Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. * You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives. * You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone. * You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum. * You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton! * The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?" * You take a beer to a job interview. * You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater. * When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss. * You go to Goodwill to meet women. * You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
Miscellaneous

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
Miscellaneous

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. One word: Flatulence! On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. Do Tai Chi exercises. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!" Give religious tracts to each passenger. Meow occassionally. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" Play the harmonica. Shadow box. Say "Ding!" at each floor. Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Bring a chair along. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" Blow spit bubbles. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Miscellaneous

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. People of TV never finish their drinks. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. The chief of police is always black. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. All single women have a cat. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?" Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Miscellaneous

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Miscellaneous

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her. 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will however make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Miscellaneous

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends. 10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman. 12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding. 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly. 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly. 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me. 17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.' 18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either. 19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction. 20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Miscellaneous

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. " 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Miscellaneous

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo" Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama so fat were in her right now Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions! Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code! Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved! Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky! Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side! Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep. Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo mama so fat she influences the tides. Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse. Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo Mama Jokes

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!
Miscellaneous

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."
Miscellaneous

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.Customer: What's the difference in the paint?Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.Customer: The price went up as we were talking?Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.Customer: WHAT?Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.Customer: You're insane!Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's red and goes up and down?A: A tomato in an elevator.Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?A: We have to stick together.Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?A: Hello, hello.Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?A: A bulldoser.Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?A: When he steals a base.Q: What did the can say to the can opener?A: You make me flip my lid.Q: What is a volcano?A: A mountain with the hiccups.Q: What do you find at the end of everything?A: The letter "g".Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?A: He called a toe truck.Q: Why do two skunks argue?A: Because they like to kick up a stink.Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?A: You can count on me.Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?A: Put them in a barking lot.Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?A: He wanted to be a cool cat.Q: What did the painter say to the wall?A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.Q: Why is baseball like a cake?A: They both need batters.Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?A: Take me to your weeder.Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?A: Slippers!Q: What did the rug say to the floor?A: I've got you covered!Q: How do you make antifreeze?A: You steal her blanket.Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?A: Because her horns don't work.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's red and goes up and down?A: A tomato in an elevator.Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?A: We have to stick together.Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?A: Hello, hello.Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?A: A bulldoser.Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?A: When he steals a base.Q: What did the can say to the can opener?A: You make me flip my lid.Q: What is a volcano?A: A mountain with the hiccups.Q: What do you find at the end of everything?A: The letter "g".Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?A: He called a toe truck.Q: Why do two skunks argue?A: Because they like to kick up a stink.Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?A: You can count on me.Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?A: Put them in a barking lot.Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?A: He wanted to be a cool cat.Q: What did the painter say to the wall?A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.Q: Why is baseball like a cake?A: They both need batters.Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?A: Take me to your weeder.Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?A: Slippers!Q: What did the rug say to the floor?A: I've got you covered!Q: How do you make antifreeze?A: You steal her blanket.Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?A: Because her horns don't work.
Miscellaneous

The Geography of a Woman------------------------Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.The Geography of a Man------------------------Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Miscellaneous

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow."Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets."You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into themiddle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly."No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.""That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.""Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree......and then I paint the target around it."
Miscellaneous

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.But I'm not allowed up on the couch!Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!Doc: Do you drink a lot?Not really - I spill most of it!Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.Then you'll have a bad headache.Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!Doc: When did this start?Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?Doc: I never make rash promises!Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!Doc: So what's wrong with that?I think I'm going to croak!
Miscellaneous

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
Miscellaneous

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
Miscellaneous

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?A. Have sex once a year.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?A. Depends on what you're doing with them.Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?A. Cause you're fatter then they are.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question, dork?Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?A. Yes, baby lips.Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.Q. What causes baby blues?A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Miscellaneous

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Miscellaneous

01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets.comSometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...But fart just one time...
Miscellaneous

-How do you get down from an elephant?You don't. You get down from a duck.-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?So he could hide in the crayon box.-Why do elephants have wrinkles?Because they are so hard to iron.-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.-Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?So no one will recognize them.-Why are elephants such poor dancers?Because they have two left feet.-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?Time to get a new fence.-Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?Because they can't keep their trunks up.
Miscellaneous

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".He refers to Klingons as "Critters".He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.He paints the starship John Deere green.He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.He sets phaser to "Cajun".
Miscellaneous

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.8. The patient refused autopsy.9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.13. She is numb from her toes down.14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.15. The skin was moist and dry.16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Miscellaneous

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''------------------A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''The blond yelled at the doctor...''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''------------------A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing."I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.""Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Miscellaneous

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A. Ask your mother.Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. Wiped his ass.Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?A. Spitting, swallowing and garglingQ. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?A. You know she'll swallow.Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?A. No one to talk to during orgasm.Q. What do you call a smart blonde?A. A golden retriever.Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?A. The one with the dirty knees.Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A. A battery has a positive side.Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?A. The blonde, because she's 18.Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sexA. "Honey, I'm home!"Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Q. How can you tell a macho women?A. She rolls her own tampons.Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?A: Hair balls.Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?A: Crust.Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
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1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
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We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host."I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:"Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"Perforation is a rip-off!A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.
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Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed totake one item with them to help them occupy their time whileincarcerated.On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did youbring?"The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that heintended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the"Grandma Moses of Jail".Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I broughtcards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What didyou bring?"The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I broughtthese!"The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do withthose?"He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to thebox.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway26. Illiterate? Write For Help27. Honk If Anything Falls Off28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.44. Ax Me About Ebonics45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel46. Boldly Going Nowhere47. Cat: The Other White Meat48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"- Lynda Montgomery"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul RodriguezAnd from George Carlin...If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?What's another word for thesaurus?If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
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When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night."So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.Rule five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".Rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wodden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the frond door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
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Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
Miscellaneous

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.2. Ahhhh, it's cute.3. Why don't we just cuddle?4. You know they have surgery to fix that.5. Make it dance.6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?7. Wow, and your feet are so big.8. It's OK, we'll work around it.9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?10. Oh no... a flash headache.11. (giggle and point)12. Can I be honest with you?13. How sweet, you brought incense.14. This explains your car.15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.16. Why is God punishing me?17. At least this won't take long.18. I never saw one like that before.19. But it still works, right?20. It looks so unused.21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?23. Are you cold?24. If you get me real drunk first.25. Is that an optical illusion?26. What is that?27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.28. Does it come with an air pump?29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
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How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog.How you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from ducks.What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? "Well done."What did one cloned sheep say to the other? "I am ewe."What did one magnet say to the other magnet? "I find you very attractive."What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip?What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"What do cats like on a hot day?A mice cream cone.What do cats like on their hot dogs? Mouse-tard.What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
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Things Not To Say During SexGirls shouldn't say:You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... -------------------------------Guys shouldn't say:A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth... I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people... That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You'll still vote for me, won't you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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1. Bicycles don't pregnant.2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.3. Bicycles don't have parents.4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.21. Bicycles don't get headaches.22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.
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adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool. antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this) cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome. series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. testicles....(n) books of the Bible tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout
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Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.""But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.""True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"
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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset."You're running around with other women," she told her mate."Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso."What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded."Counting your ribs," said Eve!
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There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.Two men applied for the job... One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?""Well... yes", he answered."Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked."Now take off my boots." He did."Now take off my socks." He did."Now take off my skirt." He did."Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked."Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutesLife stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.I am in shape. Round's a shape!Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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Yo mama's so fat- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo. - Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose - Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes - Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs - Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code - Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise - Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... - Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. - Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. - Yo Mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "One at a time, please." - Yo Mama's so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell "Taxi!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. - Yo Mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. - Yo Mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St.. - Yo Mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. - Yo Mama's so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be "incredible bulk." - Yo Mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall. - Yo Mama's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts. - Yo Mama's so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles - Yo Mama's so fat, I guess we know what's eating Gilbert Grape. - Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. - Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. - Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone. - Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said "GET THE HELL OFF!!" - Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds - Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on my cat's tail, now I call him "Beaver". - Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. - Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb. - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. - Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. - Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. - Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost. - Yo mama's so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002's. - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more rolls than a bakery. - Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world. - Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. - Yo mama's so fat, that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way. - Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her. - Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in. - Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time. - Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. - Yo mama's so fat, she bumps into people when she's sitting down. - Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. - Yo Mama's so fat, her butt has it's own congressmen. - Yo Mama's so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.
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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
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(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ''On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.Sincerely, (name withheld)
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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
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A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"
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1...Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.2...If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.3...My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.4...To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.5...Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".6...I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha7...Illiterate? Write For Help8...If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong9...Cat: The Other White Meat10...Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
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Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you.""Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!"--------------------- There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out."I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!" The Newfie said, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish". Poof! The oceans were full of fish.The Quebecer was amazed! He said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!" Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.The Vancouver guy said, "Tell me more about this wall." The genie said, "Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."So, the Vancouver guy said, "Fill it up with water!"--------------------- Did You hear about the Redneck who... Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage. Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery. Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game. Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay. Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman. Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped. Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her. Thought asphalt was rectal trouble. Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains. Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed. Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass. Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard. Studied for five days to take a urine test. Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease. Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.--------------------- Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.2. He lived at home until he was30.3. He swore his mother was a virgin.4. And his Mother thought he was God.--------------------- Q: Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'? A: They don't like ANY Witnesses!
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Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded..."Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
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Some things I've learned from my children:Super glue "is" forever.No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters "do not like Jell-O!"A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop abaseball hit by a ceiling fan.Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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It's your first time.As you lie back your muscles tighten.You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues.He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.Keep reading on below...??????????????????????????You smile and thank your dentist!After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.Naughty, Naughty!What were you thinkin'?PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
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Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule FourI'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule FiveIn order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."Rule SixI have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule SevenAs you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule EightThe following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule NineDo not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.Rule TenBe afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... could you help me?""Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.When Jesus turned to the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively,"Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!"
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Benign................What you be after you be eight.Artery................The study of paintings.Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.Barium................What doctors do when patients die.Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.Catscan...............Searching for kitty.Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.Colic.................A sheep dog.Coma..................A punctuation mark.D & C.................Where Washington is.Dilate................To live long.Enema.................Not a friend.Fester................Quicker than someone else.Fibula................A small lie.Genital...............Non-Jewish person.G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.Node..................Was aware ofOutpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.Post Operative........A letter carrier.Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.Rectum................Darn near killed him.Secretion.............Hiding something.Seizure...............Roman emperor.Tablet................A small table.Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus StationTumor.................More than one.Urine.................Opposite of you're out.Varicose..............Near by/close by.Vein..................Conceited.
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One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office."Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back.""Well let me take a look."When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face."This is amazing."What is is doctor?""I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!"
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THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISHWe need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" ***************************** The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = PMS again. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain. I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steamTHE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: ---------------------------------------------------------- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy "I'm tired" = I'm tired "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person. "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
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*** Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.8. The patient refused an autopsy.9. The patient has no past history of suicides.10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.14. She is numb from her toes down.15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.16. The skin was moist and dry.17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for!?'Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
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This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"
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The following are actual incidents reported...#1A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.#2A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.#3A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.""Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.""Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly."At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.""That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
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Signs you've had too much of the 90's!You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
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DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .........................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.................................... 10SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party.............................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...................................................-2 Named Tiffany....................................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer..............................................-6 Tiffany has implants.............................................-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner........................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ............ 1 Okay, it is a sports bar.........................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team................................-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely..............................-20 You forget your anniversary.....................................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station....................-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey..................................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.....................-60A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie.......................................... 2 You take her to a movie she likes................................ 4 You take her to a movie you hate ................................ 6 You take her to a movie you like.................................-2 It's called DeathCop3...........................................-3 Which features cyborgs having sex................................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ..... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly.............................. -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..........................................-30 You say "I don't care because you have one too" ...............-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical............... -5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You don't stop to ask directions .......................0 You stop and ask for directions ...................... 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.......................................................-25 You know them..................................................-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?"............................................-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression................................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..............-20
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts."What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust."Tennis ball," came the breathless reply."Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
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ARTERY--The study of fine paintings. BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails. BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8. CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome. COLIC--A sheep dog. COMA--A punctuation mark. CONGENITAL--Friendly. DILATE--To live longer. FESTER--Quicker. G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers. GRIPPE--A suitcase. HANGNAIL--A coat hook. MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane. MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging. MORBID--A higher offer. NODE--Was aware of. ORGANIC--Church musician. OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted. POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier. PROTEIN--In favor of young people. SECRETION--Hiding anything. SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood. TABLET--A small table. TUMOR--An extra pair. URINE--Opposite of you're out. VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.
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One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.The teacher says, "ok, who's the comedian with the black balls?"Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
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There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview."Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another."Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.""Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."
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You might be a Redneck Jedi if...===========================================* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
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Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"The nympho says, "Are you done already?"The blonde says, "Beige. . . I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In thefirst room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!".In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"."I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
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The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.9 C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.4 During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.3 Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.2 The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?Richard Jewell.And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...1 Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
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This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party."The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm. "Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"Guy replies, "Well. . . I drank the whole bottle of your potion. "Pharmacist says, "And. . ."Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
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ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGSBACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIABARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIESBOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR UCESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTYCAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HERCOLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOGCOMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARKD & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON ISDILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONGENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIENDFESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKERFIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIEGENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEWG. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIER'S BALL GAMEHANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOKIMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWNLABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORKMEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTOR'S CANEMORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFERNITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATESNODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTEDPAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TESTPELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVISPOST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIERRECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERYRECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EMSECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHINGSEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPERORTABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLETERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORTULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSICURINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BYVEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED
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Two girls were roommates.One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates.""Why not?""They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex!Nothing but a pain in the ass!"Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"
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1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.7. You own a homemade fur coat.8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath."11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one.16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language.17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."18. Birds are attracted to your beard.19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. 35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. 42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.47. You've ever bought a used cap.48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.50. You've ever financed a tattoo.51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. 59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth beforetelling the state trooper to kiss her ass.67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.68. You own a denim leisure suit.69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. 72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.73. You have a rag for a gas cap. 74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name onyour arm.77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridgeclearance restrictions. 78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." 79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith beer bottles.83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmasdinner.84. All of your four letter words are two syllables. 85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?86. You cut your toenails in front of company. 87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.93. You can spit without opening your mouth.94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.95. You call your boss "dude".96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.97. You have grease under your toenails.98. You consider your license plate personalized because your fathermade it.99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance.102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitutefor toilet paper.105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife'shair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the samegrade.110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it. 115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.117. Your family tree doesn't fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get afreebie at the "House of Tattoos".127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle. 132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
Miscellaneous

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin."CLUES"1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.When I'm not well, I drip.When you blow me, I feel good.2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.Your tongue gets me off.People sometimes lick my nuts.3. I assist an erection.Sometimes big balls hang from me.I'm called a big swinger.4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.I wasn't maiden for long.A big hard thing ripped me open.5. You stick your poles inside me.You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.6. When I go in I cause pain.I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.I can fill your hole.7. A finger goes in me.You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first.8. All day long, it's in and out.I discharge loads from my shaft.Both men and women go down on me.9. I go in hard.I come out soft.You blow me hard.10. If I miss, I hit your bush.It's my job to stuff your box.When I come, it's news.11. I offer Protection.I get the finger ten times.You use your fingers to get me off.12. I have a stiff shaft.My tip penetrates.I come with a quiver.13. My business is briefs.I am a cunning linguist.I plead and plead for it.*******************************************************Answers:1. nose2. peanut butter3. crane4. Titanic5. tent6. dentist7. wedding ring8. elevator9. chewing gum10. newspaper boy11. glove12. arrow13. attorney
Miscellaneous

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply."But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.
Miscellaneous

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers."So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk."It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.""So how'd you break your arm?"
Miscellaneous

Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation". Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,"Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask".Mr. Picasso", the doctor replied "I only ask my usual fee of $100.""Well then", continued Picasso, "To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it."The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye."Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of Picasso's greatest masterpieces".Picasso nudges the doctor and says "Well, Sam, what did I tell you?"The doctor replies "Its a good thing I'm not a gynecologist!"
Miscellaneous

"I'm going fishing."Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Let's take your car."Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.""Woman driver."Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.""I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.""It's a guy thing."Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really meanAbsolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."Good idea."Really means"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.""Have you lost weight?"Really means"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.""My wife doesn't understand me."Really means"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means"I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means"The batteries in the remote are dead.""I got a lot done."Really means"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.""We're going to be late."Really means"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.""You cook just like my mother used to."Really means"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.""I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""That's interesting, dear."Really means"Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means"I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me."Really means"You want me to stay awake.""It's a really good movie."Really means"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.""That's women's work."Really means"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Will you marry me?"Really means"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.""Go ask your mother."Really means"I am incapable of making a decision.""You know how bad my memory is."Really means"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."Really means"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""Football is a man's game."Really means"Women are generally too smart to play it.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house."Really means"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I can't find it."Really means"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"Really means"What did you catch me at?""What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.""She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means"She refused to make my coffee.""But I hate to go shopping."Really means"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.""No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means"You may actually get it to start.""I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.""I heard you."Really means"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""You know I could never love anyone else."Really means"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""You look terrific."Really means"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I brought you a present."Really means"It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.""I missed you."Really means"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means"No one will ever see us alive again.""We share the housework."Really means"I make the messes, she cleans them up.""This relationship is getting too serious."Really means"I like you more than my truck.""I recycle."Really means"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.""Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?""It sure snowed last night."Really means"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.""It's good beer."Really means"It was on sale.""I don't need to read the instructions."Really means"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.""I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.""I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.""I broke up with her."Really means"She dumped me."
Miscellaneous

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust."What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?""No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Miscellaneous

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sportsMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 daysMan, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my assMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a manLet me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the houseI don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterdayMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a manMan, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Miscellaneous

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.]Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life. "More intelligence-challenged people"45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2.later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7: 50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck. "Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft. " [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]* Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
Miscellaneous

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize."Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly."Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Miscellaneous

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'"
Miscellaneous

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Miscellaneous

RELATIONSHIPS:First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Sex:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Magazines:Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Handwriting:To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Comedy:Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.Bathrooms:A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Shoes:When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Leg Warmers:Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Going Out:When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Offspring:Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Low Blows:Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.David Letterman:Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Laundry:Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".Socks:Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.Eating out:. . . and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Mirrors:Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Menopause:When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.The Telephone:Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephoneto send short messages to other people. A woman can visit hergirlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Directions:If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Richard Gere:Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only married women.Madonna:Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Toys:Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Cameras:Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always send up taking better pictures.Garages:Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.Jewelry:Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
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You know you're Castle Trash if......Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvetYour daughter's chastity belt has rustedYou can't afford a cod piece................nobody noticesYou have more sheep dogs than sheepYou sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have...The plague improved your complexion...........but only for a little whileThe Pope sends you to the Crusades...........in NorwayYour armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gumYour wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettierThe grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottomYour wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdomYou won "most improved " at the tournamentThey call your daughter made MarianYour family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort"Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son
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The FUCK word!Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the Englishlanguage is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are veryfew words with the versatility of "Fuck."Besides It's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used todescribe many situations:It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?"It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:=====================================================================Greetings....................................."How the fuck are you?"Fraud..............................."I got fucked by the car dealer."Dismay................................................."Oh, fuck it."Trouble..............................."Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."Aggression................................................"Fuck you."Disgust...................................................."Fuck me."Confusion........................................."What the fuck...?"Difficulty................"I don't understand this fucking business."Despair..............................................."Fucked again."Exasperation......................................."For fuck's sake."Enjoyment...................................."This is fucking great."Hostility................."I'm going to knock your fucking head off."Stupidity..............................."Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"Incompetence..................................."He's such a fuck-up."Ignorance..........................................."Fuck if I know."Displeasure........................."What the fuck is going on here?"Lost........................................."Where the fuck are we?"Disbelief......................................"Unfuckingbelievable!"Retaliation...................................."Up your fucking ass."Surprise.................................................."Fuckin A!"Surprise......................................"Well, I'll be fucked."Suspicion.............................."What the fuck are you doing?"Contempt....................."Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"
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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in1983.*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.*The patient refused an autopsy.*The patient has no past history of suicides.*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
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A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.Man: OK.The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.Man: That looks worse, got anything left.The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?Man: Absolutely!The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says - "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!"
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************************* Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CADear Sir,Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.Yours truly,Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA
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Hangover: The wrath of grapes.Income Tax: Capital punishment.A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?A: They both involve sandy claws.Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."California smog test: Can UCLA?The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?A: Dis-gruntled.
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Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her."Hi, Joe", she said. "I haven't seen you in a long time."Joe was puzzled. "Charlie, is that you?" What are you doing dressed up like a woman?""Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman."Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said, "Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.""Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part."Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach. "Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.""Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst part.""I don't believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?""The final operation was the worst.That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!"
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
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Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, SnugglepupAdvantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirtsDisadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpyOld Man Grump's - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover, Advantages: Stays put; predictableDisadvantages: Royal pain in the assFlinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey youAdvantages: Jumps entertainingly when startledDisadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggleBigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' DumbAdvantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooledDisadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pigLazybones - "Zzzzzz"Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug AddictAdvantages: Well rested; easy targetDisadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreamsThe Sneak - "Who, me?"Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a BitchAdvantages: May feel pangs of guiltDisadvantages: May be having time of his lifeAce of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, MonsterAdvantages: Perpetually arousedDisadvantages: Perpetually arousedThe Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,"Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, FoolAdvantages: Tells good storiesDisadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grump's"Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim DandyAdvantages: Answer to a woman's prayerDisadvantages: Hunted to extinction
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Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.""No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.""I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.""It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.""Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?"Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much.""When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour.""All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.""They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.""Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime.""Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree.""Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.""I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER"Sensitivity don't hurt.""One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.""Shake your hips and hope for the best.""Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there.""Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.""One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.""Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food.""Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.""See if the man has lipstick on his face.""It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU""The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.""Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.""You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.""It might help to watch soap operas all day."WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?"When they're rich.""It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.""If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission.""I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.""Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love.""Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.""Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
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Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name. The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.Happy New Year.Love,Mom
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RELATIONSHIPSFirst of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.SEXWomen prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.MATURITYWomen mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.HATSWomen look good in hats; men look like idiots.GROCERIESA woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.MAGAZINESMen's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.HANDWRITINGTo their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.COMEDYLet's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.BATHROOMSA man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.GOING OUTWhen a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.CATSWomen love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men abuse cats.SHOESWhen preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.LEG WARMERSLeg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.MIRRORSMen are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.MENOPAUSEWhen a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.THE TELEPHONEMen see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.LOW BLOWSLet's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.DIRECTIONSIf a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."ADMITTING MISTAKESWomen will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.RICHARD GEREWomen like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.NICKNAMESWith the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they willaffectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.TOYSLittle girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.PLANTSA woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.MUSTACHESSome men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.CAMERASMen take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.LOCKER ROOMSIn the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.LAUNDRYWomen do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.POLITICSMen love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.WEDDINGSWhen reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."CHEERLEADERSFemale cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.SOCKSMen are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.GARAGESWomen use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.MOVIESFor women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy.JEWELRYWomen look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALLColored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Miscellaneous

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.34. Men have a good memory, it's just short!35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.49. Most women are introverted: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are extroverted: "Did my team win? How's my car?"50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Miscellaneous

You Know You're Getting Older When...Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.You get winded playing chess.Your children begin to look middle aged.You're still chasing women but can't remember why.A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.You look forward to a dull evening.You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.Your knees buckle and your belt won't.You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.Dialing long distance wears you out.You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.You just can't stand people who are intolerant.You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.Your back goes out more often than you do.Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Miscellaneous

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.Republicans wear theirs.Republicans employ exterminators.Democrats step on the bugs.Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.Neither are Republicans.Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.Democrats ought to, but don't.Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.Democrats eat the fish they catch.Republicans hang them on the wall.Republican boys date Democratic girls.They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.Democrats make plans and then do something else.Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.That is why there are more Democrats.
Miscellaneous

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."This is the voice of Satan.I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.This is because I went snowboarding.For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)We learned snowboarding via a two step method:STEP ONE: Watching Brad do something.STEP TWO: Trying to do it ourselves.I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot."Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if THAT would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "FORGET MY KNEES! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GRAVITY CHUNKS!"Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
Miscellaneous

In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs.-Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory.Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to a poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X.Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate prior to its release by Mr. Coyote.In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.2. Sooty discoloration.3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues--a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.-CYA on da hillz
Miscellaneous

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!Q. What are pre-existing conditions?A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really sayingin all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/hekeeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright.EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders todate.ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks forsuperiors.INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to dothe job.A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: Acoward.SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.HAPPY: Paid too much.WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.SHOULD GO FAR: Please.USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except originalwork.USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
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These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
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POLISH MEDICAL TERMNINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMANartery- the study of fine painting barium- what you do when the patient dies beneign - what you are after you are eight cesarean section- a district in Rome colic- a sheep dog congenital - friendly dilate - to live long fester - quicker G.I. series - baseball game between soldiers hangnail - coat hook medical staff - a doctors cane minor operation - coal digger morbid - a higher offer nitrate - lower than the day rate node - was aware of organic - church musician out-patient - a person who has fainted post-operative - a letter carrier protein - in favor of young people secretion - hiding anything serology - study of English knighthood tablet - a small table tumor - an extra pair urine - opposite of your out varicose veins - veins very close together
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A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....""Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?""Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"
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Element: WomanSymbol: WoAtomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.Discoverer: AdamOccurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.Physical Properties :a) Surface usually covered with painted film.b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.c) Melts if given special treatment.d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.Chemical Properties :a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.Uses :a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.Tests :a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Caution :a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.b) Illegal to possess more than one.
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What is the difference between a man and childbirth?One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable whilethe other is just having a baby.
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Why are men and spray paint alike?One squeeze and they're all over you.
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A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: Condolances Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands. Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together... Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses. Cover caption: Get well soon, darling! Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt. Cover caption: To my golf partner... Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news... Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies. Cover caption: To the daughter that I love... Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing. Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands. Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck! Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
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Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.General rules:1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.Grafitti rules:5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.Urinal rules:11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X......(X = occupied, . = empty) X.....X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.Toilet rules:15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.16. Always flush.17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.Special cases:18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
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The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
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My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.What were you thinking of? "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why. You're grounded. Just do it, or else.Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!(at dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinnerONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll understand.Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer. "Hey" is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and don't come out until I say so. I'm very disappointed in you.I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks. Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)Sit up straight.I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course you're going to church. You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes! I don't know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) I'll tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say You're sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you. What's for dinner? - It's a surprise! Why didn't you go before we got in the car? I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one! No, and that's final! One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? What's the magic word? Say "excuse me".Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)Half begun is half done. Don't lie to me young man/lady!Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen!(Moral: don't ask!)That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purple's not your color, you look sallow.Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM?" Is having a good time all you think about? You're no child of mine!!! Well...What seems to be the problem with you? I'm really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and you'll go blind! "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!" Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed! You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd *never* thought of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)It's always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! "Go tell your father he wants you now."[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....] "Okay, only wash one of them"[In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."There'll be tears before bedtime! You'll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will. How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. [as I break into a Cure tune...] If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you." [variation: "Because I'm the Dad/Mom."] Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. In my day we didn't have money to throw around.We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.Does it look like I'm made of money? Money doesn't grow on trees you know.You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over it, it's hanging out so far.If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.That's not music; that's just NOISE! "Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."Because you are taller than me. I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden."Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British.""Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.""No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!"
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This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face."What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk."Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
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Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball! "White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl's dress?Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra...Throw your bra..."Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride.Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse". Return a bra which the bride left in your car.If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".
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Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.Spinster: A bachelor's wife.Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
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Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.My other wife is beautiful.My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes...The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
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Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria SteinemIf you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. TebbettsAt American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin TrillinA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - TynanThe first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe ValezMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VoltaireMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae WestBachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar WildeLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar WildeWhy are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
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A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha GuitryWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha GuitryAn ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha GuitryThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine HepburnSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine HepburnBigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver HerfordWedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John HeywoodLove is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. HirschfieldLove is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa HoffmanIt is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean KerrI don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam KinisonA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin KitmanMarriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. KnowlesHarpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fianceeI have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich LittleMarriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John LylyFor the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - LysterThe best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaineIn a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman MankiewiczI belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
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For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests."So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump."Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting."There, that was good," I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's get the other one." "Lord, have mercy," I was praying.It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done To her tender little hide!If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!!This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. I'd like to get his balls in there, For months, he'd go "without"!!
Miscellaneous

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm." Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist says, "And..." Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?" "A little more...""Like this?" "No. A little more...""Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
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Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear."The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees."The third nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer."The fourth nurse fainted.
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A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there wasanother way that would cost only $50.The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and thedoctor worked on her for several minutes.After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to thedoctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,everything was there. And she asked him how he did it."Simple...I tied your pubic hairs together!"
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A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor,"Doctor, my penis has been burning lately."And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."
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This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor."All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.""That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?""Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.""Right again," the man said.The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36.""There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years.""No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner.The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"
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Nowadays there's little meaning For a person to be gleaning When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name He may be a chiropractor Or a painless tooth extractor He's entitled to the title just the same.Or perhaps he is a preacher Or a lecturer or teacher, Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip; He may keep a home for rummies, Or massage fat people's tummies, Or specialize in ailments of the hip.Everybody is a "doctor," From the backwoods herb concocter To the man who takes bunions from your toes; From the frowning dietician To the snappy electrician Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes.So there's very little meaning For a sufferer to be gleaning When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name. He may pound you, he may starve you, He may cut your hair or carve you, You have got to call him Doctor all the same!
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The Polish Medical Dictionary: Anti-Body - against everyone Artery - study of paintings Bandages - The Rolling Stones Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails Botulism - tendency to make mistakes Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section - a district in Rome Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - sheep dog Coma - punctuation mark Congenital - friendly Cortisone - the local courthouse D & C - where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Enteritis - a penchant for burglary ER - the things on your head that you hear with Fester - quicker Fibrillate - to tell lies Genes - blue denim slacks Genital - non-Jewish Hangnail - coat hook Hemorrhoid - a male From outer space Herpes - what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU - peek-a-boo Impotent - distinguished, well known Inpatient - tired of waiting Labor Pain - hurt at work Medical Staff - a doctor's cane Minor Operation - coal digging Morbid - a higher bid Nitrate - cheaper than the Day Rate Node - was aware of Organ transplant - what you do to your piana when you move Organic - organ repairman Outpatient - a person who has fainted Paralyze - two far-fetched stories Pathological - a reasonable way to go Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Plaster cast - the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert Post-Operative - a letter carrier Protein - in favor of young people Recovery Room - place to upholster furniture Rectum - what happened to the Corvette Red blood count - Dracula Rheumatic - amorous Saline - where you go on your boyfriend's boat Secretion - hiding something Surgery - a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply Sterile solution - not using the elevator during a fire Tablet - a small table Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport Tibia - country in North Africa Triple bypass - better than a quarterback sneak Tumor - an extra pair Urine - opposite of "You're Out" Varicose - nearby Vein - conceited
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An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
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A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.This happens a second time.The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?""Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.""That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.""Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a dayEvery time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new carOccasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive onOccasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engineOnly one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seatsMacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roadsThe oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning lightNow seats would force everyone to have the same size buttThe airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going offOccasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antennaGM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old carYou'd press the start button to shut off the engine"
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True story:About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.With my gown raised, she uttered the words, "Okay, small prick," and proceeded with the injection.I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.
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Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!
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One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work.The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller." The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller."The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life"The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
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If Dear Abby Was A Man...Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on't mention this aspect of his behaviour.Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door. "Nice butt, sister," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies -------------------------------------1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.3. Gun wounds again?4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!12. You daring lousy guy.13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
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At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!" The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!"The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over") So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.The city boy regains his balance And studders "Its my turn" The famer looks at him and says - "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!
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This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS."
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1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women... You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sister's honor... You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because you're in the same grade... You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding... You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain... You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says "Say No to Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a Redneck.
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The Perfect Woman would say: 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.12. I'll be out painting the house.13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.17. Your mother did a great job raising you.18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or8.23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.24. That was a great fart! Do another one!25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
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Dear Santa: We're worried about you.From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill.Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion -- all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern.A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotionsl hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho" -- is one of the best stress-busters.SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, santa@cyberspace.com.We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMI A: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A Weather Service satelilite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, don't you?SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas.But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you?
Miscellaneous

Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, "Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?"The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard. "You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!"The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, "Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal."The hobo was ecstatic! "Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!" So the owner said, "OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal." The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. "Now don't you feel better," he said. "Yes!" said the hobo. "I'm a new man!""OK," said the owner, "come in and have some lunch." The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, "Oh, by the way, that wasn't a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."(Judy, 8)"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."(Tom, 5)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, 10)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."(Kally, 9)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"(Lynette, 9)"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."(Kenny, 7)CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."(Jan, 9)"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."(Harlen, 8)ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."(Leo, 7)ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."(Jeanne, 8)"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."(Gary, 7)"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."(Dave, 8)CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television."(Anita,6)"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."(Bart, 9)HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."(John, 9)"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."(Dave 8)"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire." (Christine, 9)WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."(Michelle, 9)HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."(Doug, 7)"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."(Jean, 10)HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."(Randy, 8)
Miscellaneous

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timecard 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading e-mail 8101 Distributing humorous e-mails
Miscellaneous

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.""Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again."Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Miscellaneous

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal' while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named 'Juan'. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds..."But they are twins and if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
Miscellaneous

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore."Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire."Jim refused to change his mind."Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"
Miscellaneous

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on hergood side. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass. Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, andthigh! Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on theother side to get her through. Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a watertower. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real. Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I couldeat a horse!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!" Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!" Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!" Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher a dinosaur. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher the key to the store. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper,they gave her the sign. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as thescreen. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at theradio station. Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motionmachine. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of themilk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on themilk truck. Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she'sgliding across the floor. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load. Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearingropes. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F,G-String. Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on thewater. Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master. Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by acontractor. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back inbed. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, thedoctor gave her 5 years to live. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar. Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall! Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames. Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7,and 8. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through thewall. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelledsomething burning. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds. Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lightswent on. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks"Where can I try that on?" Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits. Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her buttcheeks. Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line. Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon. Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast isclear." Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on otherside." Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon. Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached herwaist they spelled "BouleVarD." Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," shegot the part as the big rolling ball. Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay." Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said"Sorry, we don't do curtains." Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate. Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to rolloff, I was still on her. Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his wordfor it! Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, shecouldn't identify them. Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham. Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as aChevy. Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light shestarts eating. Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow. Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like"What ya'll eating? I'll try it!" Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food sheate it. Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not loseweight. Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it. Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on. Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on thelightbulb. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up asofa. Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 poundtest! Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes. Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through herbelt loops. Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator. Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code. Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome backparty. Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I wasstill on top of the bitch. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get groupinsurance! Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was afloat. Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount. Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone. Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she wasan oil spill. Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back andsaid "I'll wait my turn." Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense. Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn." Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs. Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wetspot. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out. Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out. Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck. Yo mama's so fat, I tried to fuck her doggy style but I was just ridin'piggy back. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Getthe fuck off." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Fuck it,they don't pay me enough!" Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, wedon't do livestock." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please stepout of the car." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number. Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued." Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time,please." Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit. Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take theburro ride down. Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back. Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat. Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as anew world. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket. Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years. Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on theRichter scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "ThankYou, Come Again." Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs. Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost. Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimmingpool. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub. Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub. Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, andoh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' EnglishMuffin. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket shewanted, she said the one on the roof. Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets. Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks. Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds. Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her ass. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun. Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her. Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozonelayer. Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her upwith Detroit. Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA,he'd seen her too. Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for aweek. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Breakit up!" Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears. Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen. Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just saidH d. Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat. Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. ofgravy. Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks. Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes. Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider. Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells"Earthquake!" Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hipssaying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass." Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutesof your show. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig isthe door. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95. Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check. Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, peoplewalked by and said "Look at the elephant!" Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn"sign. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic. Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World. Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on. Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "Weare family!" Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ridethe wave in. Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up mustcome down, except Yo mama." Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn. Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backingup. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy,Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac. Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets. Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down. Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store isthe dressing rooms. Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleeptrying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks. Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eatbuffet. Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet. Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND thehouse. Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead. Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at thesame time. Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747. Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a blackhole. Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show. Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry. Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her. Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled"Hey! Stop that Twinkie." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-AidMan." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its theschool bus. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, coverher feet like a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag herass back in the water. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanketacross Lake Michigan. Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out. Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house thetires pop. Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling. Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!" Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's. Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to fuck her I didn't know if I was hittingthe hole or a roll. Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to fuck her he had to peel too many fatrolls and said "Fuck It." Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out. Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting hergot lost in her. Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought itwas American Airlines biggest jet. Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet. Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair ofshoes. Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three secondswithout getting called for a key violation. Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts. Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees. Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...peoplesay "I didn't know we had mountains." Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested. Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho." Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate,she got blue prints. Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo. Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if shewas walking or rolling. Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landingon her back. Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide. Yo mama's so big, she reached in her pocket and handed me a CD, a CompactDishwasher. Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burntfrom re-entry. Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One sizefits most" Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to flythey stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes thetide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juicebox because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of thepool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted tomakeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" andshe said "What... does.... yield... mean?" Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was makinga booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yourhouse. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behindit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on theother side. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting. Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey. Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to saygo. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she askedif I had anything written by Bart. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building,but she got lost on the way down. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of thebasement window. Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and"Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bakesale. Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, shesaid "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be abranch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she wasdoing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and shestarted ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster. Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her allday to get Yo family out. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the topdown. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin andthrew it back. Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for theseason." Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, shedrove through the window. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eatfor food." Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobilehome. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on thefloor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in mymouth?" Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order. Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take theKleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked whatcolors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked hertwo front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into anenvelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin'"Free Lays!" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone orderedsmall fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough toblow her nose. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power aflea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop. Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went andgot toilet paper. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, shesaid "Ok, but what's the teams?" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said"Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long sheslept. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me DanMarino. Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved todeath. Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd getchange. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard therewas change in the weather. Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rdgrade. Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if Igave her two guesses. Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had threeguesses. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him newones. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fishwith. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the postoffice. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said"I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put"Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling. Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun thatgets paid. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she gotmugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M,F, and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not writebelow the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - sheput Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer becausethere's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts ofwater in the bix. Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in herears. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelledMACY's wrong." Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contactshe put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it soundslike this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guessand she said "Ah Levis?" Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y shesaid "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off. Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because shecouldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yomama's..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there'sHarry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece ofwood. Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" becauseshe couldn't read. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearviewmirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign,she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ranoutside with a spoon. Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd helphis unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around thehome, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishingrod. Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven'tseen the bitch since. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of aclean glass. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door. Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911". Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner andshe went looking for it. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holidayalbum. Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows athome. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves foryour car. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on herfoot. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a TacoBell commercial. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephonebill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said"Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for agumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing awayall the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs. Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her nameshe said "I think I'll take the physical challenge." Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, noprofessionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks backshaking it's head. Yo mama's so ugly, when the terminator said "I'll be back" he left running.Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from thecondom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a track cleat. Yo mama's so ugly, she's uugly. I had to add another u `cause u is uglytoo! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells herto get out. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful ofpardons. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, Ipinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What thefuck?!?!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighborschipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, roaches go "Hi mom!" Yo mama's so ugly, she hurt my feelings. Yo mama's so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night. Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, people make jokes about her. Yo mama's so ugly, I can't even make a joke out of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it everytime. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit withthe ugly log. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran throughthe whole damn forest. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.Yo mama's so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn uglytree! Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get thedog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog stillwouldn't play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dogbiscuits. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radiosdon't get stolen. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with ajob application. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks forbringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how'dyou get out so fast." Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't come back in. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell they said "There's nothingordinary about it!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went camping, the park ranger was like "HeyYogi!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position and its still doggystyle. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off ofit. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her formooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herselfin the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a flavor da bitch would be oogalicious. Yo mama's so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has fourbig toes. Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yardgym. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birthcontrol! Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control. Yo mama's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on water to get a drink. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with apaycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare Cujo off a meat truck. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels. Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she masterbates she gets arrested for cruelty toanimals. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she scares roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keepbreaking. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise.Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be thedream team. Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have tokiss her good-bye. Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bagson her head in case one of them breaks. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd ratherkiss her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What atreasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on thecouch face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and herparents. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked everyone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then herface, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her face. Yo mama's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.Yo mama's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.Yo mama's so ugly, your real pops could only be a fuckin' dog. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hitby a train. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled"rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull. Yo mama?s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she?d get the electric chair.Yo mama's so ugly, she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it. Yo mama's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out forStar Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her facestopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picturewould be next to it. Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty. Yo mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to buryher. Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on thetable and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off thesurveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator withtinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said"Twins." Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, you could stick her face in dough and make monstercookies. Yo mama's so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangeredelephant. Yo mama's so damn ugly and desperate, she did Winnie the Pooh and Tigertoo. Yo mama's such an ugly bitch, she has a sign in her yard that says "Bewareof Dog." Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with aslingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, she can stand on the front porch and count the chickensin the back. When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can causedoctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone's. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book. Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, when the police asked her for her ID, she gave them arock. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on theBlock. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo mama's so old, she owes Moses a quarter. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flickthe switch. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other sidefishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, her birthday expired. Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs. Yo mama's so old, she got slapped by Eve for blowing Adam. Yo mama's so old, she took friendship pictures with Adam & Eve. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade. Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. Yo mama's so old & ugly, her name is Ape. Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started tofight. Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so old, she watches PBS. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus. Yo mama's so old, she's got a pair of Air Moses sneakers. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her tits fell off. Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles. Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles. Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws aright, a right, and another right." Yo mama has so many fat rolls that she has to screw her pants on. Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand. Yo mama has 3 eyes and they call her "Eye-eye-eye." Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo mama's has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers. Yo mama has a `fro with landing lights. Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo mama has a moustache and they call her Bob. Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo mama has no legs, no arms, and no eyes but she's still the one for me.Yo mama has no arms and bought a vest. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Drill-Bit. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Chopper One. Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. Yo mama has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out aSugar Daddy. Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper. Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo mama has so much hair on her chest, her tits look like coconuts. Yo mama has so much dandruff, a fly landed on her head and said "Damn, Ihaven't seen this much snow in years." Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like itsthrowin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue isin jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardwarestore. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe thatshit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dentalinsurance. When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kicka field goal. Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns intolemonade. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testingbutter scotch. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he toldher to smile. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybodysaid "I see the light!" Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it wascorn. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the YellowBrick Road. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in hermouth. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a KraftSingles pack. Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavitycreeps. Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr.Ed. Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed itto death. Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give mea bite." Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.Yo mama's so black, every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on. Yo mama's so black, if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn intocoffee. Yo mama's so black, she bleeds smoke. Yo mama's so black, she could show up naked to a funeral. Yo mama's so black, when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like acheese burger. Yo mama's so black, she drinks water and pees coffee. Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires. Yo mama's so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo mama's so black, she makes night look like day. Yo mama's so black, she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars.Yo mama's so black, when she goes outside street lights turn on. Yo mama's so black, she got her tattoo done in chalk. Yo mama's so black, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime. Yo mama's so black, when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she hason patent leather pants. Yo mama's so black, when the police shot at her the bullets came back forflashlights. Yo mama's so black, when you go swimming it looks like an oil spill. Yo mama's so black, when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear whitegloves to keep from chewing her fingers off. Yo mama's so black, if she had a red light she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tintedwindows. Yo mama's so black, when she smiles at night she looks like floatingChicklets. Yo mama's so black, when she spits, ink comes out her mouth. Yo mama's so black, if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, her nickname is evening. Yo mama's so black, she makes asphalt look grey. Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo.Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if thatrubber breaks, your ass is dead. Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents youcan get a slurpy. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she getsdumped. Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. Yo mama's like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, fast, easy and free! Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, balls are always popping out of her mouth. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, I can always put my balls in her mouth. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eather. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on anystreet corner. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, andguys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Discover card, she gives cash back. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn herup, down, on, and off. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. Yo mama's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit threefingers in. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. Yo mama's like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown downthe gutter, and she still comes back for more. Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a fan, she's always blowing someone. Yo mama's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobodycan remember all the fathers. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like Blockbuster Video, everyone goes home happy. Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send heraway. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laidby Mexicans. Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Yo mama's like a shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a f
Miscellaneous

As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human genepool.And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll... JohnPernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in theparking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easyenough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the planwas for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist hisfriend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop onthe other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himselfcrashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branchwhich snagged him by his shorts.Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw agroup of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, Johnremoved his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to freehimself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Hollybushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being withouthis shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocketknife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his leftthigh.Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw hima rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, hedecided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickuptruck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state,Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashedthrough the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown fromthe truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet fromthe vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerousscratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair ofshorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
Miscellaneous

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people whowon't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people intowalls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him backbefore anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.Holodeck----------For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.Sex with Aliens--------------------According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien----------------------------------------------Me: May I touch that?Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.Phasers---------I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.Officer: Well, okay. Move along.I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.Cyborgs---------Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.Shields---------I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.Shopping with Shields Up--------------------------------Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!Me: Try it. My shields are up.Saleswoman: Damn!Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.Me: Nice try.Long-Range Sensors------------------------If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.Vulcan Death Grip----------------------Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but ...
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...'Paint my house.'
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There is no such thing as child-proofing your houseIf you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can igniteA 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurantIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strongenough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and asuperman capeIt is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a20 by 20 foot roomBaseballs make marks on ceilings.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up afew times before you get a hit.A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hitby a ceiling fan.When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's alreadytoo late.Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year old man says they can only do it in the moviesA magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes itdoes not leak - it explodes.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year oldDuplos will not.Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.Super glue is forever.McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can'twalk on water.Pool filters do not like Jello.VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials showthey do.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.You probably do not want to know what that odor is.Always look in the oven before you turn it on.Plastic toys do not like ovens.Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.It will however make cats dizzy.Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof>Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!Never light fireworks inside.Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.Bugs are not a dietary supplement.Walnuts make the blender act funny.Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.Collecting things is good.Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.Eating string is a bad hobby.Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.Finger painting is good.Finger painting walls is dangerous.If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?"It's too late!If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands."You don't want to know.If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth."You REALLY don't want to know!'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paperwithout choking.Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?"means 'prepare for bad news'Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank."Why do fish float?" means trouble.Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..."is never a good sign.Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.Cats get even.
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A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".
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*25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!*1) I'll swallow it all...I love the taste! 2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12) I'll be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or8. 23) You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings. 24) If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!
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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
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Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, MassachusettsTeen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8Bible church's focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper
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THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEMFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something shedislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doingsomething she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add thedecorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpledsheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out asuspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise andit's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it'ssomething....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's herfather...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace thetoilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll isbarren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out youshuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 Youstay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegedrinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6Tiffany has implants...-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out todinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it'sall-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of yourfavorite team...-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forgetyour anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the busstation...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouringrain dissolves her leg cast...-60A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal ishappily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives aMustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You misscurfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoyingfriend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie shelikes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to amovie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said itwas a foreign film about orphans...-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy herflowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give herwildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contractsLyme disease...-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop anoticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You developa noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiianshirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have onetoo"....-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized modelairplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mothertell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end upgetting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end upgetting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad partof town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You knowthem...-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitivequestions always start with a deficit) You hesitate inresponding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wantsto talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for morethan 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this isbecause you've fallen asleep...-20
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You might be a child of the 80's if...... you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.... the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.... you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.... not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.... you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.... you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.... the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.... you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".... songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.... three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?... you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!... you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".... you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.... you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.... a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".... you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.... you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.... while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.... you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.... one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"... you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".... you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".... you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.... you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.... you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.... you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".... you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.... you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."... you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.... Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.... kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".... you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.... flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.... the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.... you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.... at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.... "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.... the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.... there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".... you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.... you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.... you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.... the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.... you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.... honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.... you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.... you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.... (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.... (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.... you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.... you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.... you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"... you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.... you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.... you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.... your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".... this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.... you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."... you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?... you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.... you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.... you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.... you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".... going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.... you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.... you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.... you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.... you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.... you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.... (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.... you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.... U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.... you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.... when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.... you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.... you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.... you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.... you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).... you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."... your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.... you know who shot J.R.... this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
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December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.December 7 Debug Windows '98December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11 Lay Faberge egg.December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.January 1 Stay out of jail.
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