1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Computer Jokes

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
Animal World

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical duringintermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I knowprofessionally."Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
At Work

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.""You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
At Work

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!
At Work

Long, but really funny...from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
At Work

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.""Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again."Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?""Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Blonds

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?A: There is a great musician in you.
Celebrities

The PC Manifesto V3.0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don't worry, that's not important. Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Handicapped - Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Whaler - Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted - People of Mass - Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East - Asia Censorship - Selective Speech B.C. - B.C.E. Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books - Recycled Books Berkeley - Mecca Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult - Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China - Porcelain Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) --------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
Computers

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free timeand keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozenlesson & music books.Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me lookat you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Relationships

Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man...the music stopped, and your monkey's on fire."
Drunks

|At the Gym For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. Day 1 They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.Day 2 Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great Day 3 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.Day 4 Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. Day 5 I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6 Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.Day 7 Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
Sport Jokes

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man."Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend."I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enoughfor me."
Relationships

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers willbe debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will bedeflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will bedebriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
Miscellaneous

he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,THREE deconstructionist poets,TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Miscellaneous

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night clubahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on myway to find a job."The owner asks, "What do you do?"The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper lookingforsomeone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for meif you're interested."The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talentand musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifullythan anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking TheirBrains Out."The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible namefor such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by thisguy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he doesask what the name of the song he just played.The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully andthe songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you haveto promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guyagrees.That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazedas the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing twosongs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased andstood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it wasapparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick andballs are hanging out?"The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"
Miscellaneous

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Miscellaneous

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony.
Religion

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner onenight. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". Thefirst knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down hispants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriatemusic.Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pantsand tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band playedappropriate music.After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out."I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon dothrose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."
Sex

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?He has an Adam's apple that isn't an appleTwo calves that will never become cowsA nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhereA roof of the mouth that won't cover anythingTwenty nails that won't hold a boardA chest that won't hold linenTwo boobs that won't give milkTwo buns that won't feed anyoneA belly button that won't buttonTwo balls that won't rollAn ass that won't pull a plowAn organ that won't play musicA cock that won't crow
Men

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-knownHussein family members are coming to the attention of Americanauthorities.Among the brothers:------------------Sooflay .......................the restauranteurGuday......................... the half-Australian brotherHuray......................... the sports fanaticBejay..........................the gay brotherKuntay & Kintay................the twins from the African motherSayhay.........................the baseball playerOjay...........................the stalker / murdererGulay..........................the singer / entertainerEbay...........................the internet czarBiliray........................the country music starEcksray........................the radiologistPuray..........................the blender factory ownerTupay..........................the one with bad hairAmong the sisters:-----------------Pusay..........................the 'loose' 22 yr oldLattay.........................the coffee shop ownerBufay..........................the 300 pound sisterDushay.........................the clean sisterPhayray........................the zoo worker in the gorilla houseSapheway.......................the grocery store owner:Ollay..........................the half-mexican sisterGudlay.........................the prostituteMore will, no doubt, be discovered...including A.A. Sidday, Oz weekend TV Host.
Politics

Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students ---------------------------------- Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water--------------------------------Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look atthe following table.00-14 Liberal Arts15-20 Vulcan/Math Major21-40 Robot!!!
School

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
School

American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade?LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable.DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A.MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.
School

Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
Science

Technical Night Before Christmas 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
Science

|A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Bar Jokes

|Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Police Jokes

|Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Police Jokes

|After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Police Jokes

|There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it. There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between. The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone. After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.Part Two: Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole. Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust. All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them. Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name. Part Three: All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream. Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
Computing Jokes

|1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Computing Jokes

|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.35% give to charity at least once a month.How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder.69% eat the cake before the frosting.When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.85% of us will eat Spam this year.70% of us drink orange juice daily.Snickers is the most popular candy.22% of us skip lunch daily.9% of us skip breakfast daily.66% of us eat cereal regularly.22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.45% use mouthwash every day.22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.The typical shower is 101 degrees F.Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.58% of women paint their nails regularly.33% of women lie about their weight.10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.57% have had deja vu.49% believe in ESP.44% have broken a bone.Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.14% have attended a self-help meeting.15% regularly go to a shrink.78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.29% of us ignore RSVP.71.6% of us eavesdrop.22% are functionally illiterate.Less than 10% are trilingual.37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.56% of women do the bills in a marriage.2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch.53% read their horoscopes regularly.16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).59% of us say we're average-looking.Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.2 out of 5 have married their first love.The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.6% propose over the phone.71% can drive a stick-shift car.45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.12% of men never use their car blinkers.44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.25% of us drive after we've been drinking.4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Ethnical Jokes

|Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?All of them, a crossbar can't jump! Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches! What stories are told by basketball players?Tall stories!Who won the race between two balls of string?They we're tied! Why are football players never asked for dinner?Because they're always dribbling! Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?Because he liked sole music! What tea do footballers drink?Penaltea! Where do footballers dance?At a football!
Sport Jokes

|Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds?A: A humburger!Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?A: A bee in a submarine!Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool?A: Fooling with a bee!Q: What did the spider say to the bee?A: Your honey or your life!Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter?A: Pablo Beecasso!Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer?A: Swarm here isn't it!Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?A: Bee-thoven!Q: Who writes books for little bees?A: Bee-trix Potter!Q: Where do bees go on holiday?A: Stingapore!Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?A: He's bee-witched!
Kids Jokes

|What kind of musical instrument do mice play?A mouse organ!
Kids Jokes

|The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!
Instrument Jokes

|Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted. Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones. Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones. Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A bagpiper. Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit. Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No one knows when to come in. Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?A: The knocking gets slower.Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?A: The knocking gets faster.Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?A: The bass player notices.Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?A: A drummer.Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?A: Homeless.Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?A: Drool.If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: How do you make him stop playing?A: Put notes on it!Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?A: Pick on someone your own size!Q: What's the definition of a minor second?A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?A: Counterpoint.Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?A: Give him a sheet of music.Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?A: Would you like fries with that?Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?A: They are always longing for another stop.Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?A: A flat miner.Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?A: A flat major.Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.Q: Why was the organ invented?A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?A: A flat minor.Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?A: A flat major.Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?A: Be flat, major.Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?A: See flat major.Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?A: C sharp or B flat.Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?A: A sharp major.Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?A: A natural major.Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?A: Root position cords.
Instrument Jokes

|Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Instrument Jokes

|Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?A: Their personality.Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?A: King Kong is more sensitive.Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?A: "Hi. I'm better than you."Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?A: The doorbell shrieks!
Instrument Jokes

|Q: What is a chord?A: Three violists playing in unison.Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?A: Music Minus One.Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?A: Half a measure.Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?A: A violator.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?A: A semi-tone.Q: Why are violas so large?A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?A: Violists.Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?A: A violist playing octaves.Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.Q: Which positions does a violist use?A: First, third, and emergency.Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?A: Who cares!Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Instrument Jokes

|There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie."For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie."You have two more wishes!" he said."I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie."This is your last wish." the genie said."I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?A: Stage makeup.Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.A: She was known as the deep C diva.Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?A: The baritone.Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?A: About 10 pounds.Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?A: When the other tenors notice.Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. They can't get up that high.Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. Get the drummer to do it.Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Instrument Jokes

|When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
Instrument Jokes

|From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
Instrument Jokes

|A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Instrument Jokes

|Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?A: A new age song.Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?A: You get your job and your wife back.Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
Instrument Jokes

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere.Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.Allegro: Leg fertilizer.Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.Clausula: Mrs. Santa.Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.Countertenor: A singing waiter.Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.Da capo al fine: I like your hat!Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.Estampie: What they put on letters in QuebecFermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.Fine: That was great!Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.Harmonic Minor: A good music student.Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle AgesIsorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other halfLai: What monks give up when they take their vows.Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhornsLonga: The time between visits with Vire.Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.etronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.Neums: Renaissance midgetsOpus: A penguin in Kansas.Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.Quaver: Beginning viol class.Rackett: Capped reeds class.Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.Sancta: Clausula's husband.Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.Supertonic: Schweppes.Tempo: This is where a headache begins.Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Trope: A malevolent Neum.Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals
Instrument Jokes

|1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?A: Bach in the saddle again.Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?A: Because he's Haydn!Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?A: A Chopin Liszt.Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?A: A pair of Re-bachs.Q: What do you call a male quartet?A: Three men and a tenor.
Instrument Jokes

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."
Miscellaneous

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights."1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would show that the company's management was incompetent.2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.3. Brought her large dog to the interview.4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized andsaid he had to leave for another interview.25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further". He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more". I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.and topping the list....35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
Miscellaneous

A Night Before Christmas Parody (Technical Version)'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus.Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."HO! HO! HO!
Miscellaneous

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songsTHREE deconstructionist poetsTWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Miscellaneous

The World's Shortest Books25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert21. Human Rights Advances in China20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman19. Al Gore: The Wild Years18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean17. America's Most Popular Lawyers16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors15. Detroit - A Travel Guide14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches12. Easy UNIX11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance10. Everything Men Know About Women9. Everything Women Know About Men8. French Hospitality7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA3. Staple Your Way to Success2. The Amish Phone Directory1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Miscellaneous

|Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
Instrument Jokes

|Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I'm going to throw-up
Job/Office Jokes

|A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Job/Office Jokes

|What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.- Old investors never die, they just roll over.- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.- Old students never die, they just get degraded.- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Job/Office Jokes

|At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Marriage Jokes

|Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
Marriage Jokes

|After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Marriage Jokes

|Announcement:It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).Invitations:Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."Proper attire:For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.The ceremony:No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.Reception:Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!Common wedding questions and answersQ: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?A: Not if you are the groom.Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?A: At least one within a week of the wedding.Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
Marriage Jokes

|Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":* The Engagement Ring* The Wedding Ring* The Suffe-Ring* The Endu-Ring
Marriage Jokes

|OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change colorOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselvesOLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legsOLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest termsOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrateOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangentOLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functionsOLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friendsOLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their placeOLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroupOLD METEORS never die, they just burn upOLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their wheyOLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastorOLD MP's never die, they just attain peerageOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
Elderly Jokes

|OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played outOLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to barOLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-lineOLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayedOLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hootOLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peacesOLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmasOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus homeOLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developingOLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz offOLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher planeOLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attractionOLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle itOLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drainOLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
Elderly Jokes

|A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Mom/Dad Jokes

|Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Christmas Jokes

|Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order 6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one 7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year 11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Christmas Jokes

|On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)* *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Christmas Jokes

|? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. ? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. ? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. ? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ? Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.? This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. ? Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. ? A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ? The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. ? Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ? The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. ? Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. ? 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ? The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. ? Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. and last but not least...? Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Festival Jokes

|Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Festival Jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!" Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want." Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet." Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12" A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow." Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)." Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin." Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!" Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up." Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
Miscellaneous

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Miscellaneous

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Miscellaneous

One node short of a network. One of the early failures of electroshock therapy. One pane short of a window. One pearl short of a necklace. One prayer short of absolution. One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.) One punch/swing/hit short of a fight. One sentence short of a paragraph. One shade short of a rainbow. One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in. One ship short of a full fleet. One side short of a pentagon. One signature short of a book. One sleeve/button short of a shirt. One snowflake short of a ski slope. One song short of a musical. One span short of a bridge. One step short of the attic. One strawberry short of a quart. One strike past being called out. One sub short of a party platter. One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate. One teabag short of a pot. One tower short of a castle. One tree short of a hammock. One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.) One weight short of a shipwreck. Only one oar in the water. Only playing with 51 cards. Only playing with the jokers
Miscellaneous

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.. 9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France..' 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'. 36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'. 42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.' 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.' 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
Miscellaneous

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money. 2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call. 3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person." 4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!" 5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it. 6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time." 7) Beep when a large person backs up. 8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men." 9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance" 10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public. 11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds. 12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car. 13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster. 14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises. 15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Miscellaneous

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..) 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."
Miscellaneous

If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks. Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. No one may catch fish with his bare hands. Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk. All places of business must provide a horse water troft No one may wear a bee in their hat. All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. Musical car horns are banned It is against the law to leave your car running unattended. The installation of bathtubs is prohibited. Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas. Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.
Miscellaneous

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. People of TV never finish their drinks. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. The chief of police is always black. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. All single women have a cat. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?" Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Miscellaneous

You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Miscellaneous

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe." You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet n Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy milk by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." You've worn the finish off your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Miscellaneous

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. " 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Miscellaneous

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.The judge says, 'OK.''Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!''Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
Miscellaneous

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.10) The entire British population lives in London.11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
Miscellaneous

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for"Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?"I brought a Walkman.""And what is it for?""You can listen to music with it!""That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?""I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!""Well done, Kenny.Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!""Yes, I did. It's in the hall."So the entire class goes into the hallway."Umm, Johnny, what is that?""It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.""Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?""He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
Miscellaneous

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving,she blames the restaurant.If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames the tobacco company.If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,you blame the government for not providing clean ones.If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Miscellaneous

Perks of being over 40...1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Miscellaneous

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES12. EASY UNIX11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... 1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton
Miscellaneous

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker."He's just decomposing!"
Miscellaneous

Seen in the want ads:A tall well-built woman with goodreputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia garden, classic music and tal-king without getting too serious.Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.
Miscellaneous

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed..."Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"
Miscellaneous

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.BABY:1. Dad, when he gets a cold.2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.COOK:1. Act of preparing food for consumption.2. Mom's other name.COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."EAR: A place where kids store dirt.EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something."EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.GUM: Adhesive for the hair.HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside."I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to MomJACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals."JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.KISS: Mom medicine.LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."MAYBE: No.MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa."MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.MUSH:1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum."WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Miscellaneous

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything."When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100,000?"Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, "OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?"Stevie replies, "I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!"
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!"And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
Miscellaneous

** A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ** Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. ** Atheism - A non-prophet organization. ** Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo! ** Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! ** Clones are people two. ** COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. ** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. ** Entropy isn't what it used to be. ** Everyone is entitled to my opinion. ** Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!" ** Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs ** Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy. ** I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. ** Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! ** Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese. ** My reality check just bounced. ** No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. ** Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. ** Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. ** So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...
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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission" On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you." At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?" In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
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25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYAnd the Number one World's Shortest book......1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton
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Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken "who is your favorite music composer?"The second chicken responds "bach, bach, bach!"
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We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
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Halloween Funnies:What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in2000.What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies.What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.
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Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:Men can't pack a bag.Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.Men don't answer their mail.Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!
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15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with.""Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started singing, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
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This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.Madman Curie discovered radio.And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OKSweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What?Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter?Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK?Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help?Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it.Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too.Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now?Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What?Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart:{logged off}
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The Top Old Fart Games:10. Musical Recliners9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta8. Hide and Go Pee7. Simon Says something Incoherent6. Doc, Doc Goose5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over4. Kick the Bucket3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy1. Sag, You're It
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.There's too much blood in my alcohol system.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.Lord save me from your followers.God must love stupid people. He made so many.I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3) I will get dressed before noon.4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
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So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, "Next!"He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...""Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..."Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!""Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. "Now, have you ever come in contact with...""Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first." "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!""NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. "I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"
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Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"
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This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!
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ARTERY--The study of fine paintings. BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails. BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8. CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome. COLIC--A sheep dog. COMA--A punctuation mark. CONGENITAL--Friendly. DILATE--To live longer. FESTER--Quicker. G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers. GRIPPE--A suitcase. HANGNAIL--A coat hook. MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane. MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging. MORBID--A higher offer. NODE--Was aware of. ORGANIC--Church musician. OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted. POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier. PROTEIN--In favor of young people. SECRETION--Hiding anything. SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood. TABLET--A small table. TUMOR--An extra pair. URINE--Opposite of you're out. VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.
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The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.[It's known as the Sanka clause.]The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]Every person has a unique tongue print.[But would you want someone to ink yours?]Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.[Even if you don't inhale.]Women's hearts beat faster than men's.[Even after death.]When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname. ]Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.[His parents never bought him a night light.]Bubble gum contains rubber.[But should not be used as a condom.]You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."[And most likely to grab himself.]Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.[74% think Madonna is.]The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.[I may never eat Jell-o again!]The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. [But it will hold a grudge much longer.]Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]Most American car horns honk in the key of F.[And we all know what the F represents.]The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]Most lipstick contains fish scales.[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.[Who volunteers to confirm this?]Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.[The same is true for people.]
Miscellaneous

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.The director asked the young man his name."Penis van Lesbian," the man replied proudly."Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that.""Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage.""Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street."Do you remember me," asked the young man?"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.""Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.""I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?""Dick van Dyke."
Miscellaneous

ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGSBACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIABARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIESBOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR UCESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTYCAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HERCOLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOGCOMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARKD & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON ISDILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONGENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIENDFESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKERFIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIEGENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEWG. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIER'S BALL GAMEHANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOKIMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWNLABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORKMEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTOR'S CANEMORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFERNITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATESNODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTEDPAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TESTPELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVISPOST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIERRECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERYRECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EMSECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHINGSEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPERORTABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLETERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORTULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSICURINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BYVEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED
Miscellaneous

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.7. You own a homemade fur coat.8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath."11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one.16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language.17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."18. Birds are attracted to your beard.19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. 35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. 42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.47. You've ever bought a used cap.48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.50. You've ever financed a tattoo.51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. 59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth beforetelling the state trooper to kiss her ass.67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.68. You own a denim leisure suit.69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. 72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.73. You have a rag for a gas cap. 74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name onyour arm.77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridgeclearance restrictions. 78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." 79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith beer bottles.83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmasdinner.84. All of your four letter words are two syllables. 85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?86. You cut your toenails in front of company. 87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.93. You can spit without opening your mouth.94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.95. You call your boss "dude".96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.97. You have grease under your toenails.98. You consider your license plate personalized because your fathermade it.99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance.102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitutefor toilet paper.105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife'shair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the samegrade.110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it. 115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.117. Your family tree doesn't fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get afreebie at the "House of Tattoos".127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle. 132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
Miscellaneous

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.2. Be ambiguous. Always.3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.5. Make them apologize for everything.6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.10. Cry.11. Get mad at them for everything.12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.13. Hold grudges.14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.20. Cry.21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong. 22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.23. Fall for your FAC.24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.25. Correct their grammar.26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.28. Leave out the good parts in stories.29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.31. Cry.32. Declare that you are not wacko.33. Criticize the way they dress.34. Criticize the music they listen to.35. Criticize their hair.36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.37. Try to change them.38. Try to mold them.39. Try to get them to dance.40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted. 41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.43. Blame everything on PMS.44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.47. Read into everything.48. Over-analyze everything.49. Cry.50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.
Miscellaneous

1. Don't call, ever.2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.5. Lie.6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.9. Lie.10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"12. Deny everything. Everything.13. Don't have a clue.14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.17. Lie.18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.26. Lie.27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.35. Practice your blank stare.36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.40. Lie.
Miscellaneous

Welcome to EBONICS 101Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar..."Damn- that shit is DOPE!"That is a wonderful concept/object/action."Can't FADE that."I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time."Shante ain't havin' it."This is not something that Shante will allow to occur."Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music."YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity."What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!"Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs."She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time."Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!"Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date."STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER..." It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol."Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"~~~~Why are the police officers always worried?"Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."~~~~It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
Miscellaneous

What the world is like in TV land:1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.4. The suburbs are exciting.5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.6. Good guys are always outnumbered.7. Good guys always win and get the girl.8. Good guys are always good looking.9. Ugly people are always bad guys.10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.14. Cars will explode in all accidents.15. Everyone has a dark secret.16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.17. Haunted houses are never locked.18. The police are smart.19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.20. All Asian people know Karate.21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.24. Indians make good cannon fodder.25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.26. Computers never crash.a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.b) Computers know everything.c) The same 2 keys are used to do everythingd) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.28. No one farts, except after eating beans.29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.32. Movies based on true stories are made up.33. Police never wait for back-up.34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.35. Private detective work is glamorous.36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.37. All police killings are in self-defense.38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.39. Good guys don't do drugs.40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.42. High School students look thirty years old.43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).
Miscellaneous

OXYMORONS...Act naturally Found missingResident alienAdvanced BASIC Genuine imitationSafe sexAirline food Good grief Same differenceAlmost exactlyGovernment organizationSanitary landfillAlone togetherLegally drunk Silent screamBritish fashion Living dead Small crowdBusiness ethicsMicrosoft WorksSoft rock Butt headMilitary intelligenceSoftware documentationCalifornia cultureNew classic Sweet sorrow Childproof"Now, then ..."Synthetic natural gas Christian ScientistsPassive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstoodPeace force Temporary tax increase Computer jockPlastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer securityPolitical science Tight slacksDefinite maybePretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice creamRap music Working vacation Exact estimateReligious tolerance
Miscellaneous

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.34. Men have a good memory, it's just short!35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.49. Most women are introverted: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are extroverted: "Did my team win? How's my car?"50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Miscellaneous

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.Great Dames for sale.Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.Stock up and save. Limit: one.Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.We build bodies that last a lifetime.Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.Man, honest. Will take anything.Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.See ladies blouses. 50% off!Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.Illiterate? Write today for free help.Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these beauties from the radio:Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Miscellaneous

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.1-AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart.2-LAZY - Just fizzles3-AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts4-SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts5-CARELESS - Farts in church6-SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present.7-CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time8-SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts9-STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save asshole10-FOOLISH - Farts and laughs.11-SHY - Blushes even when farts silently.12-CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest.13-UNLUCKY - Tries to fart and shits pants.14- TIMID - Jumps when farting.15-BEWILDERED - can't tell own farts from others.16-SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants.17-NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart.18-MISERABLE - Can't fart19-CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass,Farts don't know where to go.20-GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart.21-SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog.22-DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink.23-FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and farts.24-BIG BULLY - Farts louder than everyone else.25-DELUDED - Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.26-CUTE - Discovers from farts what others have eaten.27-WISE - Farts and say's "Who in hell shit ??"28-DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head.29-MUSICAL - Tenor or bass Clear as a bellSmells like shit Sounds like hell.30-HONEST - Farts and blames in on the hostess.31-LIVELY - Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.
Miscellaneous

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Miscellaneous

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:Dept Of Statistics:All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.Dept Of Psychology:Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.Dept Of History:All students get the same grade they got last year.Dept Of Religion:Grade is determined by God.Dept Of Philosophy:What is a grade?Law School:Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.Dept Of Mathematics:Grades are variable.Dept Of Logic:If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.Dept Of Computer Science:Random number generator determines grade.Music Department:Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and - would be sharp and flat respectively).Dept Of Physical Education:Everybody gets an A
Miscellaneous

POLISH MEDICAL TERMNINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMANartery- the study of fine painting barium- what you do when the patient dies beneign - what you are after you are eight cesarean section- a district in Rome colic- a sheep dog congenital - friendly dilate - to live long fester - quicker G.I. series - baseball game between soldiers hangnail - coat hook medical staff - a doctors cane minor operation - coal digger morbid - a higher offer nitrate - lower than the day rate node - was aware of organic - church musician out-patient - a person who has fainted post-operative - a letter carrier protein - in favor of young people secretion - hiding anything serology - study of English knighthood tablet - a small table tumor - an extra pair urine - opposite of your out varicose veins - veins very close together
Miscellaneous

By Bill AdlerA Teenager is...A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a Michael Jackson concert.A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Miscellaneous

From Reader's Digest, June 1992:I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune.So, I've restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby.After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.
Miscellaneous

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.What were you thinking of? "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why. You're grounded. Just do it, or else.Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!(at dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinnerONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll understand.Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer. "Hey" is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and don't come out until I say so. I'm very disappointed in you.I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks. Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)Sit up straight.I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course you're going to church. You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes! I don't know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) I'll tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say You're sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you. What's for dinner? - It's a surprise! Why didn't you go before we got in the car? I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one! No, and that's final! One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? What's the magic word? Say "excuse me".Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)Half begun is half done. Don't lie to me young man/lady!Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen!(Moral: don't ask!)That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purple's not your color, you look sallow.Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM?" Is having a good time all you think about? You're no child of mine!!! Well...What seems to be the problem with you? I'm really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and you'll go blind! "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!" Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed! You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd *never* thought of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)It's always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! "Go tell your father he wants you now."[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....] "Okay, only wash one of them"[In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."There'll be tears before bedtime! You'll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will. How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. [as I break into a Cure tune...] If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you." [variation: "Because I'm the Dad/Mom."] Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. In my day we didn't have money to throw around.We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.Does it look like I'm made of money? Money doesn't grow on trees you know.You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over it, it's hanging out so far.If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.That's not music; that's just NOISE! "Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."Because you are taller than me. I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!
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A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?""Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied."That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband.""That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried."Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply."Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged."And now, you come home drunk!!!!"
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Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom.How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding.What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
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Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
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Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!"9. Sit underneath your chair.10. Stand on your head.11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.12. Never stop smiling.13. Scream every word.14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.19. Eat his books.20. Talk to his leg.21. Don't face him when he talks to you.22. Talk really slowly.23. Try to eat your hand.24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.26. Pretend you hear music.27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.28. Pretend to drink.29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.
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The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
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You know you're not a kid anymore when...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.You can live without sex, but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.You call Olan Mills before they call you.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.You sing along with the elevator music.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You make an appointment to see the dentist.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.Neighbors borrow your tools.People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"You have dreams about prunes.You answer a question with "because i said so!"You send money to PBS.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.You take a metal detector to the beach.You wear black socks with sandals.You know what the word "equity" means.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.Your ears are hairier than your head.You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."You go bowling without drinking.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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Stallone, Tony Danza ,and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says "I'll be Bach!"
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A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." But wait...there's more!The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
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The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.*Happy Holidays!*
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---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
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Bill's SongThis should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"The Bill Clinton version:My Favorite ThingsBlow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite thingsSusan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite thingsWhen that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so badBeating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite thingsGolfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite thingsMeeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things
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Q: How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?A: Put sheet music in front of him.
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Some Warning Signs of Insanity- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.- You collect dead windowsill flies.- Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"- You like cats. Especially with mayo.- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.- Melba toast sexually excites you.- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
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A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.""Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again."Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
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What happens when you play Country music records backwards?You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!
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An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer."There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary."Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke."If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?"
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You might be a child of the 80's if...... you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.... the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.... you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.... not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.... you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.... you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.... the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.... you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".... songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.... three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?... you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!... you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".... you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.... you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.... a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".... you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.... you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.... while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.... you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.... one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"... you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".... you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".... you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.... you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.... you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.... you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".... you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.... you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."... you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.... Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.... kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".... you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.... flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.... the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.... you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.... at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.... "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.... the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.... there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".... you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.... you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.... you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.... the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.... you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.... honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.... you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.... you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.... (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.... (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.... you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.... you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.... you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"... you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.... you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.... you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.... your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".... this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.... you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."... you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?... you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.... you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.... you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.... you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".... going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.... you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.... you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.... you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.... you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.... you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.... (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.... you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.... U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.... you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.... when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.... you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.... you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.... you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.... you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).... you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."... your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.... you know who shot J.R.... this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
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