Q: Does an elephant ever forget?A: Only if you loan him money.
Animal Jokes

The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5 So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves. The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST $10 So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?" The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"
Bar Jokes

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."
Bar Jokes

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar."The man asks, "What are the tasks?""First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender."Damn." says the man.Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in."He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, "Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."
Bar Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Blonde Jokes

Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown
Christmas Jokes

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Clean Jokes

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.Shortly, he received this reply,"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
Clean Jokes

Can you cry under water?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?Why does a round pizza come in a square box?What did cured ham actually have?How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Clean Jokes

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno
Comedian Jokes

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look." EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Computer Jokes

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Computer Jokes

A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven. Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic. "The old fool," she thought, "I knew I should have left them in the basement!"
Lawyer Jokes

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing."Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.""Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?""Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.
Lawyer Jokes

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"The accountant didn't answer.The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?"The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Lawyer Jokes

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin ..... wrote out a check for $15,000 ... laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.
Lawyer Jokes

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.Amazing isn't it? However...$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Practical Jokes

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!" Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee." When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that!" There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money." As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?" The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time."
Practical Jokes

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
Practical Jokes

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.Man with one chopstick go hungry.Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.War not determine who right, war determine who left.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.Man who drive like hell bound to get there.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.Man who farts in church sits in own pew.Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
Sex Jokes

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Sex Jokes

AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic InfluenceAlways Unsafe Designs ImplementedAll Un-informed Drivers InsultedAll Unnecessary Devices Installed BMWBig Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICKBig Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGEDumb Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORDFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFast Only Rolling Downhill GMGeneral Maintenance GMCGarage Man's Companion HONDAHad One Never Did AgainHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged AutoHYUNDAIHope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILEOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile Back TOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object VWVirtually Worthless
Travel Jokes

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook ElephantThe English book - Elephants I have shot on SafariThe Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better ElephantsThe Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper ElephantsThe Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of MoneyThe Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish PeopleThe German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.The Icelandic book - Defrosting an ElephantThe Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His ElephantsThe Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
Animal World

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants.The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
Animal World

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it'shis turn to be waited on.A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today.The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops.The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a housewhere it began to scratch the door to be let in.As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's areally smart dog you have there.""He's not really all that smart," the owner replied."This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Animal World

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely."Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!""I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
Animal World

Why you should learn to use algebra . . . After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can bereached of the secret to wealth and success.Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardlessof the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for thereader.
At Work

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount ofgoods totaling a great deal of money.The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. Thecollections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can'tship your new order until you pay for the last one."The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
At Work

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on anextremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "heyhow come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how comewe do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita myhand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."
At Work

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
At Work

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
At Work

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!
At Work

Long, but really funny...from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
At Work

A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Blonds

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into thecoke machine at a large Vegas casino. She keptpunching the buttons only to have happen what you'dexpect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,and change too! After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so wentand got more. Back at it she went, blocking the wayto the other vending machines with the mounting pileof soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to theyoung lady. People were starting to gather, seeing this beautifulwoman enthusiastically plugging money in like it wasfun. The people were gathering more though waiting theirturn at the machines. After watching a while, someone asked from the rear ofthe group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'mwinning here?'
Blonds

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
Blonds

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother'sson?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.
Children

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Children

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed byand the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you,little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk."
Children

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've beenhaving some problems lately. I've been running the same version ofDrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all theGirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hearthat DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background modeand the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't findthe switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and itworks okay.Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timingincompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, butI thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. Aftermonths of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has hadexperience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enoughcache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a TokenRing to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, ituninstalled itself.Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs weresupposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virusanyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. Ivery cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSIprobe first and also installed a virus protection program. It workedokay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in mysystem. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 stillinstalled, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about thatautomatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend andcommunicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removalof both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still someproblems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscurelanguage I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think thereis too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desiredfunctionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked howGirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend toGirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version ofGirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a yearif you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, hehad to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One ofthe primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it camebundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocationmodule of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can doanything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came withMotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. Itold him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you tryto run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will deleteMSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.Any Ideas???
Computers

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am?July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet theydidn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of amodem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone whenyou are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thoughtthe dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figuredit out by the sound.July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not thisinternet thing. I'm confused.July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this AmericaOnline stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is comparedto me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer butnothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'mconnected to America Online not usenet.July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUTNOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPSLOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARDAND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THEOTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARDKEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE IHEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CANANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEINTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKEABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERSGREW THAT LARGE.AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. IWAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. IWASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USEPROFANITY.AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHATA STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CANTHEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Itsprobably an extra feature that costs more money.August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted itto every newsgroup I could find.August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I willhave to work on it some more.August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a fewposts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of theearth. I wonder what an aol is.August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but Ican't find that group.August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet askingwhere the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kidnext door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he'slaughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont lethim come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know whythe rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirtystuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and theyused bad words.August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internetasking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my newsignature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want toread my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short storyIlike.August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. Itold him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Computers

The Y-Zero-K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... . As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius Sent by Marina
Computers

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by."So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
Ethnic

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?He enters a duck.How can you tell if a Pole is present? He bets money on the duck.How can you tell if an Italian is present?The duck wins.
Ethnic

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?" "Don't know collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "Don't know, has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off."What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put in teepee." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. "Don't know deposit." "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
Ethnic

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes toAustin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.We give you a million today, and then you'll get the restspread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHTnow! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get amillion that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, IWANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
Ethnic

This black guy is walking along a beach when he looks down a sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and starts to clean it. He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes. The black guy thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:, "I want to be white and surrounded by cunt."In an instant he is turned into a tampon.Now the morale of this story is:Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.
Ethnic

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in NewYork.She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to awealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant!Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollablywhile her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mothercharged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What'sgoing to be?"The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his midthirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'mmaking all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctormoney can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she willreceive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother wastaken aback and thought for a moment."Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"
Ethnic

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?" The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
Relationships

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts." "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Relationships

Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money." Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
Relationships

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser." I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."
Relationships

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
Relationships

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrowattention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eightsharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat downat a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinklein his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining roomand seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and hervoice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby forhis morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an oldhusband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
Relationships

A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers."Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?""No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."
Sex

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."
Elderly

|THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU! With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. ___YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter[ ] Reserve[ ] Star*[ ] Superstar**[ ] Entire team***[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.* Higher cost** Much higher cost*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard[ ] Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________Telephone Number: __________________Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:____________________________Signature: _________________________Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
Sport Jokes

|Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from DojoThe quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper StanceStanding at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion. Sigh of WisdomSudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury. Crossing FingersA hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious. Gift of InstructionThe act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly. Seeing Without SeeingThe dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question. Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza. Mugger's DefenseOffering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation. Sensei's DownfallFailing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open. Further requirements:Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form). Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon. Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot. Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks. Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation. Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice). Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something). Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock. Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment. Must be able to sing Karaoke. Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...) Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course). Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi". Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies. Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat. Must be able to keep all bleeding internal. Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less. Note:Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
Sport Jokes

The Freudian Slip Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didn?t mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said there?s a name for that isn?t there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, it?s called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldn?t think of the word. Why are you asking said John? Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit out of me. You ever done anything that stupid? ? Funny you would ask?, said John. Just this morning my wife and I...gosh, I guess we?ve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I was reading the paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ?dear, would you please pass me the sugar?,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you?ve ruined my life.'"
Relationships

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.""Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some."
Relationships

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself.""Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy.""How?" asked Joe."Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?""I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
Relationships

A man was complaining to a friend."I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."My wife found out."
Relationships

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought hisashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onthe counter.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember thatBlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."
Relationships

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurancecompany ...Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
Relationships

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
Relationships

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend."I gave a poor beggar $25.""Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?""He said, 'Thank you'. "
Relationships

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morningto find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says."How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts."That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
Relationships

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stopsinto a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to theMadam, drops down $500 and says,"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money youcould have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'mhomesick."
Relationships

The FishermanOne day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family."You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?""Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer."And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will thenresult in larger catches of fish!""And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said."And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
Miscellaneous

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Miscellaneous

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
Miscellaneous

You have to read the whole thing: The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. ********************************************************* Now the updated version for the '90s woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's! 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster). 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup. 7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed. 10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
Miscellaneous

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Miscellaneous

There was this little boy who went in the whore house with adead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked thepimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but theboy said "please mister, just give me a whore with aids, ihave money thats no problem" the man was like ok "if you havethe money". So the boy went in and fucked the whore and cameout smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnadwhy he was so happy. "its a long story" the boy said. "tell me,i can wait" hte man said impaciently. "ok" the boy says "i haveaids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...she'll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her...he'll get aids, my dad will screw my mom...she'll get aids.Then my mom will then screw the milk man.....and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!"sent by Alaine
Miscellaneous

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,"what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed togetherbut then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as puttingit in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say fiveHail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment andthen starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him andsays, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and yousaid it was the same as putting it in!"
Religion

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Ladyof Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state ofagitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calmdown and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nunbegan, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and Iheard some of the older boys wagering money!""A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on acontest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!""What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?""Well, I hit the CEILING, father.""How much did you win?"
Religion

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of theweekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priestexplained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a fewpaces back and pitched the money towards the circle. Whatlanded in the circle he kept and what landed outside thecircle god kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,except that what landed outside the circle went to the priestand the money that landed inside the circle god kept.The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the moneyinto the air and what god wants, god takes."
Religion

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain.A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes.After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is gettingdesperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls outthe Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."
Situations

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.The barber says, "What are you doing?"Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."
Situations

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was takinga walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. Shehad no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pairof panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The nextday when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up thesame tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no pantieson. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
Situations

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made aliving. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried backhome. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed theolder man a $50 bill.The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you knowI've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend iton whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.""Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?""Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.
Situations

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
Situations

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when arobber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells tothe bartender,"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited,he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it backto the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friendsmight walk in!"
Situations

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers,his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he couldmake the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a rideto the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to hisold friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How muchfor a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessmangave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
Situations

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?A. Slow down and use a lubricant.Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?A. Money.Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?A. After five years your job will still suck.Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?A. It's not hard.Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Sex

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
Sex

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with her." To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his companion 'good night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her money."If you don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his atorney and explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the court as follows:- Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the Defendant for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The Defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed amount. The rent was by no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask Judgment be granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The Defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense was, therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property,that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his stones, erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him personally. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted. The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the Defendant removed his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do the cleaning up, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus making it very easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be granted. SHE GOT IT!
Sex

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor."You didn't do it, did you?""I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Sex

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the localbrothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait.""But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.""Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.""Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one ofthe staff and, after looking for a place to consummatethe transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. Butit's a very cold night, and they freeze to death andfall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,staggers to the door, and knocks."Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!""I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tellyou that your sign fell down."
Sex

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker?A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.
Sex

An old sailor goes to a brothel,where he chooses his girl and begins."How am I doing?" He asks."Three knots," she replies."Three knots? What's that mean?""You're not hard, you're not in,and you're not getting your money back."
Sex

Why is sex like money in the bank?Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.Sent by Annette
Sex

Men vs. Women Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Women

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!! BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Women

Age FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man
Women

ELEMENT: WOMANSYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS:Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't comeinto contact with each other.
Women

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.After a while the conversation started turning a littlerude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder andthey were arguing about how wide their snatches were.(This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting andhollering, throwing money. Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted herleg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women very casually got up on the barand asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and thejukebox starts playing.
Women

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guyssaid "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use themI'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?""Yeah" said the guy."Where is he?" asked the trader."I shot him" said the guy."Why?""I caught him in bed with my board."
Men

Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Men

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy.Sent by BIG GUY
Elderly

Bill Clinton Statue Committee 1040 Waffle Street Little Rock, Arkansas 72208 Dear Friend;We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raisingof $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Famein Washington, D.C.This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It wasnot wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who nevertold a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, sinceBill Clinton could never tell the difference.We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatestdemocrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not knowwhere he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did itall on borrowed money.Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up yourshovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promisedland." Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raisethe price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of thefortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect avery generous contribution to the worthwhile project.Fraternally,Bill Clinton Statue CommitteeP.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it gives a false sense of security.
Politics

The Math Test California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency ExamName:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________ 1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Politics

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Politics

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Politics

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the pathof a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me yourmoney", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a UnitedStates Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Politics

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"
Legal

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Legal

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.The following may be the reason why.A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
School

New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!! CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!! DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!! M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!! BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!! SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!
School

More gay banter...Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they starteddiscussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owneda factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave hisbest friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
Science

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami."Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely."What do you think I am?" replied the fag, "...a money box!"
Science

A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenlyhe notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!".And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!".And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulatedwindows !!".
Foreigners

|A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Bar Jokes

|Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money."I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Bar Jokes

|One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Bar Jokes

|A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Blonde Jokes

|I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Doctor Jokes

|A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can?t take it with you."After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Lawyer Jokes

|NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."
Lawyer Jokes

|"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Lawyer Jokes

|A young attorney who had taken over his father?s practice rushed home elated one night."Dad, listen," he shouted, "I?ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.""Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
Lawyer Jokes

|An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Lawyer Jokes

|As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Lawyer Jokes

|A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"
Lawyer Jokes

|"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Lawyer Jokes

|A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll have something to spend over there."They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Lawyer Jokes

|How to Argue Effectively I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: -=- Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom." -=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. -=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples to oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. You say: You're begging the question. You say: Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. You say: You're being defensive. -=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
Lawyer Jokes

|What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?1. How much money do you have?2. Where can you get more?3. Do you have anything you can sell? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Lawyer Jokes

|After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.""I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
Lawyer Jokes

|Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Aviation Jokes

|An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.The Japanese team won by a mile.Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
Business Jokes

|All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.MemorandumTo: All EmployeesFrom: HeadquartersSubject: Business Travel Policy GuidelinesDate: June 16, 2000Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.TransportationIf commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.LodgingAll employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.MealsExpenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.EntertainmentEntertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.MiscellaneousAll employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Business Jokes

|A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.A repairman arrived within the hour!
Business Jokes

|A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.""And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Business Jokes

|How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. 3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 4. If the person says he\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" 6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\'t have any friends...would you be my friend?" 9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" 10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. 11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\'s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\'t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Business Jokes

|An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?" Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?But:Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.Nerds win!
Business Jokes

|The EquationEngineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows,Work = Power * TimeSince Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:Work = Knowledge * MoneySolving for Money, we get: WorkMoney = ---------- KnowledgeThus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
Business Jokes

|On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."IT: "Is that it?"ME: "Yep."IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and saysIT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"MG: "No. A what?"IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."IT: "Yeah, thought so."He comes back to me and saysIT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"IT: "I don't know."ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"IT: "Yeah."ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"IT: "Well, hang on a sec."He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and . . .IT: "He says I have to take it."MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."IT: "What should I do?"MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."MG: "Just tell him."IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."The manager approaches me and saysMG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoormall with 100 other stores.]ME: "Well, here's a two."MG: "We don't take *those* either."ME: "Why the hell not?"MG: "I think you *know* why."ME: "No really, tell me, why?"MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."ME: "Excuse me?"MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."ME: "What the hell for?"MG: "Please, sir."ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."MG: "Would you please just leave?"ME: "No."MG: "Fine, have it your way then."ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."SG: "Really? What?"MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he hasis a fifty."SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"MG: "NO, the $2 is."SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"SG: "Yeah..."Security guard walks over to me and says . . .SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."ME: "Uh, no."SG: "Lemme see 'em."ME: "Why?"SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I saidME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"MG: "It's fake."SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."SG: "Yeah?"MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
Business Jokes

|"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
Business Jokes

|Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
Business Jokes

|An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Business Jokes

|Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
Business Jokes

|Top reasons to study Economics1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands." 2. Economists can supply it on demand. 3. You can talk about money without every having to make any. 4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out. 5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there. 6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE". 7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue. 8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility. 9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
Business Jokes

|Lease a Nuke!Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement. Why lease? By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too. Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously. Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers? Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action. With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army. The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability. The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives. Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger. Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power. Dr. Nuketopia, Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy (Opinions strictly reflect the party line)
Military Jokes

|Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence."You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer."All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Military Jokes

|A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says."Where can I buy one?" he is asked.Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says."I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?"Sure."The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.The city feller says just give me my money back then."Can't, spent it already!""Well... unload the mule then.""What ya gonna do with him?""Raffle him off!""Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!""Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop."What did ya do with that dead mule?""Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.""Didn't anyone complain?" "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
Farming Jokes

|One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
Camping Jokes

|A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"The other three agreed.The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
Doctor Jokes

|Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Police Jokes

|John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Police Jokes

|This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating. Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well. The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else! He had to turn himself in that same day.
Police Jokes

|Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said."A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.
Food Jokes

|Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Nike virus: Just Does It!Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Computing Jokes

|July 18I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.July 19Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?July 20I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 21I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.July 22The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.July 23What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.July 24The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.July 25I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.July 26I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.July 27These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.July 28I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.July 29I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.July 30I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.July 31The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.August 1Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.August 2I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.August 3I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.August 4I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.August 5I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.August 6Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Computing Jokes

|WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.
Computing Jokes

|Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A "Don't remind me again" button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.Bug warningWife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Computing Jokes

|There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it. There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between. The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone. After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.Part Two: Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole. Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust. All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them. Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name. Part Three: All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream. Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
Computing Jokes

|Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented."We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products."Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own."Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.
Computing Jokes

|Top ten ways the Internet could get worse10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.8. Home shopping "network".7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.3. Gameboy web browsers.2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"
Computing Jokes

|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.35% give to charity at least once a month.How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder.69% eat the cake before the frosting.When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.85% of us will eat Spam this year.70% of us drink orange juice daily.Snickers is the most popular candy.22% of us skip lunch daily.9% of us skip breakfast daily.66% of us eat cereal regularly.22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.45% use mouthwash every day.22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.The typical shower is 101 degrees F.Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.58% of women paint their nails regularly.33% of women lie about their weight.10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.57% have had deja vu.49% believe in ESP.44% have broken a bone.Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.14% have attended a self-help meeting.15% regularly go to a shrink.78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.29% of us ignore RSVP.71.6% of us eavesdrop.22% are functionally illiterate.Less than 10% are trilingual.37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.56% of women do the bills in a marriage.2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch.53% read their horoscopes regularly.16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).59% of us say we're average-looking.Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.2 out of 5 have married their first love.The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.6% propose over the phone.71% can drive a stick-shift car.45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.12% of men never use their car blinkers.44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.25% of us drive after we've been drinking.4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Ethnical Jokes

|We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
Ethnical Jokes

|An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know of collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know; it has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put it in my pocket." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked. "I don't know of deposit." "Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
Ethnical Jokes

|REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORMNew Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes1. How much money did you make in 2000?2. Send it to us.
Ethnical Jokes

|You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when.... You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday. You head south to go to your cottage. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making. You find -40C a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels. You can play road hockey on skates. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
Ethnical Jokes

|THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Mixed Jokes

|A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.Alert to company developments: An office gossip.Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.Average: Not too bright.Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.Conscientious and careful: Scared.Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.Enjoys job: Needs more to do.Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.Happy: Paid too much.Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.Maintains professional attitude: A snob.Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.Not a desk person: Did not go to college.Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.Should go far: Please.Slightly below average: Stupid.Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.Takes pride in work: Conceited.Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.Uses resources well: Delegates everything.Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.Well organized: Does too much busywork.Will go far: Relative of management.Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
Mixed Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Moscow, Russia:First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 17, 1993Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.
Real Jokes

|SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered: General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic") GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half") HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?") Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too") IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
Gender Jokes

|WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Gender Jokes

|Reason's why it's great to be a woman Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Gender Jokes

|New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non-Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way
Gender Jokes

|A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Gender Jokes

|Where do religious school children practice sports?In the prayground! How did the basketball court get wet?The players dribbled all over it! Why did the chicken get sent off?For persistent fowl play! Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?It was a cup draw! Where do football directors go when they are fed up?The bored room! A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!" Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Sport Jokes

|Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names?BUD: Yes.LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.BUD: Who.LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.BUD: Who.LOU: The guy on first base.BUD: Who is on first.LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?BUD: That's the man's name!LOU: That's who's name?BUD: Yes.LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.BUD: Who.LOU: The guy on first.BUD: Who.LOU: The first baseman.BUD: Who is on first.LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?BUD: Certainly.LOU: Then who's playing first?BUD: Absolutely.LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.LOU: Who is?BUD: Yes.LOU: So who gets it?BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.LOU: Who's wife?BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.LOU: Who does?BUD: Absolutely.LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.BUD: Well, don't change the players around.LOU: I'm not changing nobody.BUD: Now, take it easy.LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.LOU: How could I get on third base?BUD: You mentioned his name.LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?BUD: No, Who's playing first.LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?BUD: Well what do you want me to do?LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?BUD: What's on second.LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD: He's on third.LOU: There I go back on third again.BUD: Well, I can't change their names.LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.BUD: Who's on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD: THIRD BASE!LOU: You got an outfield?BUD: Oh, sure.LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?BUD: Oh, absolutely.LOU: The left fielder's name?BUD: Why.LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.BUD: Who's playing first.LOU: Stay out of the infield!BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?BUD: What is on second.LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.BUD: Who is on first.LOU: I don't know.BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.LOU: And the left fielder's name?BUD: Why.LOU: Because.BUD: Oh he's Center Field.LOU: (whimpers) Center field.BUD: Yes.LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.BUD: Tomorrow.LOU: You don't want to tell me today?BUD: I'm tell you, man.LOU: Then go ahead.BUD: Tomorrow.LOU: What time?BUD: What time what?LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"BUD: Then why come up here and ask?LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.BUD: What's on second.LOU: I don't know.BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!LOU: You gotta Catcher?BUD: Yes.LOU: The Catcher's name?BUD: Today.LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.BUD: Now you've got it.LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.BUD: Well I can't help that.LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.BUD: I know that.LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.BUD: Well I might arrange that.LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.BUD: Yes.LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.BUD: Yes.LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.LOU: is to throw it to first base.BUD: Yes.LOU: Now who's got it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: Who has it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: Naturally.BUD: Naturally.LOU: O.K.BUD: Now you've got it.LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.LOU: Then who gets it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: O.K.BUD: All right.LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.LOU: Naturally.BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.LOU: That's what I said.BUD: You did not.LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.LOU: Naturally.BUD: Yes.LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--LOU: Then who gets it?BUD: Naturally.LOU: That's what I'm saying.BUD: You're not saying that.LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.BUD: You throw it to Who!LOU: Naturally.BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!BUD: Now don't get excited.LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--BUD: Then Who gets it.LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.LOU: Hrmmph.BUD: Hrmmph.LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.BUD: Uh-huh.LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.BUD: Yeah. It could be.LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.BUD: What did you say.LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!LOU: ABBOTT!
Sport Jokes

|Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?A: Ice lolly!Q: Have you ever hunted bear?A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?A: Ready, teddy, go!Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?A: A bear faced lyre!Q: Why do bears have fur coats?A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?A: A teddy boar!Q: What should you call a bald teddy?A: Fred bear!Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?A: A little bear!Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?A: Winnie the Pooh!
Kids Jokes

|Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?A: Because they kept droning on and on!Q: What do you call a bee born in May?A: A maybe!Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?A: A mumble bee!Q: Where do bees keep their money?A: In a honey box!Q: What TV station do bees watch?A: Bee bee c one!Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?A: Bee-hive yourself!Q: Why did the bees go on strike?A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?A: Beacuse of the honey combs!Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?A: A bee is an aeroplane!
Kids Jokes

|Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath?A: Robber ducks!Q: What kind of bird opens doors?A: A kiwi!Q: What language do birds speak?A: Pigeon English!Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly?A: Send him to polytechnic!Q: Where do birds invest their money?A: In the stork market!Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?A: The Birds Eye counter!Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?A: A bird that talks in morse code!Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?A: A headbanger!
Kids Jokes

|Q: How is a cat laying down like a coin?A: Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!Q: Why are cars longer in the evening than they are in the morning?A: Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!Q: What cat purrs more than any other?A: Purrsians!Q: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?A: C-A-T!Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?A: There was some money in the kitty!Q: What does a cat call a bowl of mice?A: A purrfect meal!Q: Why did the cat sleep under the car?A: Because she wanted to wake up oily!Q: What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?A: He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!Q: What is another way to describe a cat?A: A heat seeking missile!
Kids Jokes

|Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?A: The Pink Panter Show!Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?A: A terrified postman!Q: When is a lion not a lion?A: When he turns into his cage!Q: What do cat actors say on stage?A: Tabby or not tabby!Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?A: I'm paw!Q: What do you call a lioin who has eaten your mother's sister?A: An aunt-eater!Q: What do tigers wear in bed?A: Stripey pyjamas!Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
Kids Jokes

|What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?The tusk fairy!What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?An elephant with spare parts!What's grey but turns red?An embarrassed elephant!What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?Cinderelephant!When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?When it's a baby elephant!How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?When your nose touches the ceiling!What do you call an elephant that flies?A jumbo jet!What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Kids Jokes

|Where do shellfish go to borrow money?To the prawn broker!What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?The Codfather!What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?He got lockjaw!Where do fish wash?In a river basin!What fish only swims at night?A starfish!How do fish go into business?The start on a small scale!Which fish go to heaven when they die?Angelfish!What is the best way to communicate with a fish?Drop it a line!Where do you weigh whales?At a whale weigh station!What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?A seahorse!
Kids Jokes

|What kind of money do fishermen make?Net profits!What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?Birdsthigh fish fingers!What kind of noise annoys an oyster?A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?Jellyfish!What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?'Your plaice or mine'!Where does seaweed look for a job?In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!Why is a fish easy to weigh?Because it has its own scales!Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?Because they have electric 'eels!Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!To whom do fish go to borrow money?The loan shark!
Kids Jokes

|Where do frogs keep their money?In a river bank!
Kids Jokes

|Theorem: 1$ = 1c.Proof:And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.1$ = 100c= (10c)^2= (0.1$)^2= 0.01$= 1cHere $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.
Stats/Math Jokes

|"First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be." -- Jacques Futrelle, "The Problem of Cell 13"Most mathematicians are familiar with -- or have at least seen references in the literature to -- the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof's nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood's method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid's "Elements," and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, "2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4." Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname "Blockhead." By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, "I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does." However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, "Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to -- the right-hand side of this equation." That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.But in the early to middle 1800's, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe's proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled "Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?"Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his "Begriffsschrift." This condensation, entitled "Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift)," contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in "Grundbeefen der Mathematik" Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.The above was written by Houston Euler.
Stats/Math Jokes

|Q: How do you make him stop playing?A: Put notes on it!Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?A: Pick on someone your own size!Q: What's the definition of a minor second?A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?A: Counterpoint.Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?A: Give him a sheet of music.Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?A: Would you like fries with that?Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Instrument Jokes

|Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?A: Their personality.Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?A: King Kong is more sensitive.Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?A: "Hi. I'm better than you."Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?A: The doorbell shrieks!
Instrument Jokes

|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere.Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.Allegro: Leg fertilizer.Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.Clausula: Mrs. Santa.Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.Countertenor: A singing waiter.Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.Da capo al fine: I like your hat!Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.Estampie: What they put on letters in QuebecFermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.Fine: That was great!Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.Harmonic Minor: A good music student.Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle AgesIsorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other halfLai: What monks give up when they take their vows.Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhornsLonga: The time between visits with Vire.Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.etronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.Neums: Renaissance midgetsOpus: A penguin in Kansas.Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.Quaver: Beginning viol class.Rackett: Capped reeds class.Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.Sancta: Clausula's husband.Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.Supertonic: Schweppes.Tempo: This is where a headache begins.Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Trope: A malevolent Neum.Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals
Instrument Jokes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.15. Don't squat with your spurs on.17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Miscellaneous

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Miscellaneous

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?How come there aren't B batteries?If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?How do you throw away a garbage can?How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
Miscellaneous

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
Miscellaneous

VERBS:to schmooze = befriend scumto pitch = grovel shamelesslyto brainstorm = feign preparednessto research = procrastinate indefinitelyto network = spread disinformationto collaborate = argue incessantlyto freelance = collect unemploymentNOUNS:agent = frustrated lawyerlawyer = frustrated producerproducer = frustrated writerwriter = frustrated directordirector = frustrated actoractor = frustrated humanCOMPOUND WORDS:high-concept = low browproduction value = goreentry-level = pays nothinghighly qualified = knows the producernetwork approved = had made them moneyFINANCIAL TERMS:net = something that apparently doesn't existgross = Michael Eisner's salaryback-end = you, if you think you'll ever see itresiduals = braces for the kidsdeferral = don't hold your breathpoints = see "net" or "back-end"COMMON PHRASES:You can trust me = You must be newIt needs some polishing = Change everythingIt shows promise = It stinks rottenIt needs some fine tuning = Change everythingI'd like some input = I want total controlIt needs some honing = Change everythingCall me back next week = Stay out of my lifeIt needs some tightening = Change everythingTry and punch it up = I have no idea what I wantIt needs some streamlining = Change everythingYou'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever
Miscellaneous

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don't forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.
Miscellaneous

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious.""Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained."Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.""Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
Miscellaneous

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Leg Warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".Nicknames: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Sports Arenas: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.Underwear: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Miscellaneous

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 199813 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."11 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."10 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."9 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"8 "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."7 "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater."6 "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."5 "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"4 "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."3 "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."2 "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in1998...1 "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."
Miscellaneous

Enlightenment Quiz1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang2. A Zen koan is ........> A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......> A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana10) Om Mani Padme Om means:- A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?True-False_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring._______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays._______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder._______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]
Miscellaneous

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF... The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one). At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it. You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You have never backed up your hard drive. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. You see a good design and still have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa). You window shop at Radio Shack. You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. Your checkbook always balances. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
Miscellaneous

Managed Friendship PlanWelcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.How Does It Work?Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.What's Wrong with my Current Friends?If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.What is a Friendship Emergency?The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?Friendly Activities that are typically covered include: * Agreeing with you * Appearing sympathetic * Chewing the fat * Dropping by * Feeling your pain * Gossiping * Hanging out * Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)* * Joshing * Kidding around * Listening to you whine * Partying * Passing the time * Patting your back * Ribbing * Sharing a meal * Shooting the breeze * Slinging the bull * Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): * Bar hopping * Bending over backwards * Drinking to excess * Giving a hoot * Going the extra mile * Lending money * Real empathy * Truly caring * Using illicit drugsHow Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me? We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
Miscellaneous

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...The questions are:1.What are you thinking about?2.Do you love me?3.Do I look fat?4.Do you think she is prettier than me?5.What would you do if I died?What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. I've seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, don't you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldn't you remarry? M: Okay, I'd get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Miscellaneous

You Know You're From California When...1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway2. Your were born somewhere else 3. You know how to eat an artichoke 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic5. Your car has bulletproof windows6. Left is right and right is wrong7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income8. Your mouse has only one ball9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it12. You drive to your neighborhood block party13. Your family tree contains "significant others"14. Your dog has it's own psychiatrist15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance17. More than clothes come out of the closets18. "The Dead" are best live19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers22. Smoking in your office is not optional23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
Miscellaneous

An angel wrote:Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.Anger is only one letter short of danger.If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
Miscellaneous

The World's Shortest Books25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert21. Human Rights Advances in China20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman19. Al Gore: The Wild Years18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean17. America's Most Popular Lawyers16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors15. Detroit - A Travel Guide14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches12. Easy UNIX11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance10. Everything Men Know About Women9. Everything Women Know About Men8. French Hospitality7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA3. Staple Your Way to Success2. The Amish Phone Directory1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Miscellaneous

|Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Paul: 120K.St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?Paul: I was a lawyer.St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?Roger: My name is Roger.St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Roger: 60K.St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?Roger: I was an accountant.St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?John: My name is John.St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?John: About $23,000.St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
Instrument Jokes

|These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Job/Office Jokes

|What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this: Me: HelloAT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.... Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.... Me: This is AT&T?AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T.... Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling?AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello?AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please?AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.... Me: Is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.... Me: This is AT&T?AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem? Me: Yes, is this AT&T?AT&T: Yes, sir. Me: The phone company?AT&T: Yes, sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone.AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem. Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent. AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week?AT&T: That's right. Me: 365 days a year?AT&T: Yes, sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money!AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get acash advance?AT&T: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.AT&T: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but.... Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold. So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food....... Supervisor: Mr. Salem?Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T) Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother......... AT&T: (click) Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............ Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............
Job/Office Jokes

|A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Job/Office Jokes

|What does your profession say about you?1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
Job/Office Jokes

|A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".
Marriage Jokes

|Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place."It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""Probably that I married you for your money."
Marriage Jokes

|Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Marriage Jokes

|This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho MarxWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. MenckenWhat's new? Most of my wife.When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- GuitryWhen marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Marriage Jokes

|Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken DoddHusband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
Marriage Jokes

|The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
Elderly Jokes

|A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house;He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse.He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep,Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak."So under the bed the burglar crept;He crept up close to the wall;He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall.He thought of the money that he would steal,As under the bed he lay;But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray.At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said;She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed.She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,And the hair from off her head;The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed.From under the bed the burglar crept,He was a total wreck;The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck.She didn't holler, or shout or call,She was as cool as a clam;She only said, "The Saints be praised,At last I've got a man!"From under the pillow a gun she drew,And to the burglar she said,"Young man, if you don't marry me,I'll blow off the top of your head!"She held him firmly by the neck,He hadn't a chance to scoot;He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"
Elderly Jokes

|A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.""I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.""The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.""Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Elderly Jokes

|MEGA MORON AWARDS Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera). Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?] Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Dumb Jokes

|AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy. Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
Dumb Jokes

|A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Dumb Jokes

|For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Dumb Jokes

|Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Mom/Dad Jokes

|A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Mom/Dad Jokes

|Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.Today, he'll get a digital organizer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
Mom/Dad Jokes

|To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk. He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track. Sooooooo.... You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye, Daddy's home and I think he's.... Daddy's home and boy is he....... Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
Christmas Jokes

|Knock KnockWho's there ?WenceslasWenceslas who ? Wenceslas train home ? Knock KnockWho's there ?SnowSnow who ? Snow business like show business ! Knock KnockWho's there ?WayneWayne who ? Wayne in a manger... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?DonutDonut who ? Donut open till Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?OakhamOakham who ? Oakham all ye faithfull... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?AveryAvery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?HollyHolly who ? Holly-days are here again ! Knock KnockWho's there ?RudolphRudolph who ? Money is the Rudolph of all evil ! Knock KnockWho's there ?IglooIgloo who ? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?MaryMary who ? Mary Christmas !
Christmas Jokes

|What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?Santa Clues!Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.Now thats what you call pot luck!What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?Freeze a jolly good fellow ! What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?Santapplause ! Twinkle Twinkle chocolate barSanta drives a rusty carPress the starterPress the chokeOff he goes in a cloud of smoke ! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?Santa Jaws ! Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe ! Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?Because they both have "Sandy claws" ! What does Father Christmas call his money ?Iced lolly ? What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?Santa pause !
Christmas Jokes

|RESOLUTION #1: 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2001: I will read 5 books a year. 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year. 2004: I will read at least one article this year. 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.RESOLUTION #2: 1999: I will get my weight down below 180. 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2003: I will work out 5 days a week. 2004: I will work out 3 days a week. 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.RESOLUTION #3: 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999. 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000. 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001. 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.RESOLUTION #4: 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.RESOLUTION #5: 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women.RESOLUTION #6: 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.RESOLUTION #7: 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee. 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.RESOLUTION #8: 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.RESOLUTION #9: 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.RESOLUTION #10: 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
Festival Jokes

|Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?A: It has a 12 month waiting list.Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?A: A St. Patrick's Day ParadeQ: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare. Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Irish Jokes

|Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Irish Jokes

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? "Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Miscellaneous

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Miscellaneous

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
Miscellaneous

MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Miscellaneous

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said. "Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it." "OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny. "Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer. "I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied. "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed. "Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny. "Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer. "Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.
Miscellaneous

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Miscellaneous

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. "So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
Miscellaneous

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Miscellaneous

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I?ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I?ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The blonde pinned the note to the kid?s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette were watching the news and they had someone on who was about to jump off a building. The brunette says "I bet u he will jump." The blonde says "ok". Later on he jumps. When the brunette is leaving she says "I can't take your money, I saw it happen already on the 5 o'clock news." The blonde says "I did too but i didn't think he would jump again."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps. The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. ATnT virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the ATnT virus. Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard. Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus: Just does it. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Miscellaneous

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
Miscellaneous

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. Mel Gibson I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. David Niven One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. Samuel Butler
Miscellaneous

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. J. Paul Getty A man explained inflation to his wife thus: 'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.' Lord Barnett Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Rita Rudner If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. Dorothy Parker My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn
Miscellaneous

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!" She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him. "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!? "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check." Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
Miscellaneous

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
Miscellaneous

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!" . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Miscellaneous

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
Miscellaneous

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Miscellaneous

Girls = time * money time = money, therefore: Girls = money * money (*) But we know that money is a root of all evil, thus: money = sqrt(evil) Taking into account (*), we have: Girls = sqrt(evil)*sqrt(evil) And finally: Girls = |evil| Thus, Girls are the absolute evil!
Miscellaneous

AGE DRINK 17 - Wine Coolers 25 - White wine 35 - Red wine 48 - Dom Perignon 66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 - Need to wash my hair 25 - Need to wash and condition my hair 35 - Need to colour my hair 48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair 66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig FAVORITE SPORT 17 - shopping 25 - shopping 35 - shopping 48 - shopping 66 - shopping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 - "Burger King" 25 - "Free meal" 35 - "A diamond" 48 - "A bigger diamond" 66 - "Home Alone" FAVORITE FANTASY 17 - tall, dark and handsome 25 - tall, dark and handsome with money 35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 - a man with hair 66 - a man HOUSE PET 17 - Muffy the cat 25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat 48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED 17 - 17 25 - 25 35 - 35 48 - 48 66 - 66 IDEAL DATE 17 - He offers to pay 25 - He pays 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 - He can chew his breakfast
Miscellaneous

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it. She said..You wear briefs, don't you He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money. He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said.. Well, you succeeded. He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said.. I would, but you're never there. He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight? She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Miscellaneous

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call. Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call. Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner. Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road. Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. Real Men..really know how to make you relax. Most Men...really know how to make you laugh. Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30. Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30. Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school. Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on. Real Men..balance their checkbooks. Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row. Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant. Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic. Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers. Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men. Real Men..start their own businesses. Most Men..quit their jobs. Real Men..order wine based on more than the price. Most Men..bring their own beer
Miscellaneous

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
Miscellaneous

..Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. ..Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ..Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. ..Government bonds. They take so long to mature. ..Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it. ..Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright. ..Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. ..High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. ..Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair. ..Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs. ..Handguns. Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it. ..Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. ..Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. ..Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Miscellaneous

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Miscellaneous

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Miscellaneous

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Miscellaneous

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Miscellaneous

The incredibly dumb ATT fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up. An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy. Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
Miscellaneous

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously. If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If you called him a wit, you'd be half right. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Ignorant, and proud of it. Immune from any serious head injury. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants. In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
Miscellaneous

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
Miscellaneous

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
Miscellaneous

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that mybrother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
Miscellaneous

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Miscellaneous

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Miscellaneous

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Miscellaneous

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money. 2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call. 3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person." 4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!" 5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it. 6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time." 7) Beep when a large person backs up. 8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men." 9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance" 10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public. 11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds. 12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car. 13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster. 14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises. 15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Miscellaneous

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts .. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Miscellaneous

GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Miscellaneous

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
Miscellaneous

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some. "Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?" "Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied. So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?" "I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied. "Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!" "Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
Miscellaneous

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you have succeeded. He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you? He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Miscellaneous

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ", , . Two with meatballs, one without."
Miscellaneous

One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post. Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. Drinks on the house are illegal. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. Liquor stores may not sell milk. Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. No one may catch a fish with his bare hands. Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it. "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal. You are required to pour your drink into a glass. It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices. Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day. A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming. The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed) It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days. It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park. It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears. While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on. You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book". Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar. It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. No one may spit on the sidewalk.
Miscellaneous

You can have a woman president without electing her You can spell colour wrong and get away with it You can call Budweiser beer You can be a crook and still be president If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything If you can breathe you can get a gun You can invent a new public holiday every year You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
Miscellaneous

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You were born somewhere else. You know how to eat an artichoke. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. Your car has bulletproof windows. Left is right and right is wrong. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. Your mouse has only one ball. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. You drive to your neighborhood block party. Your family tree contains 'significant others'. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. More than clothes come out of the closets. When 'the Dead' are best live. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. Smoking in your office is not optional. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman. You consult your horoscope before planning your day. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Miscellaneous

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton The Amish Phone Directory Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names French Hospitality Everything Women Know About Men Everything Men Know About Women Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches Different Ways To Spell Bob Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors America's Most Popular Lawyers Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean The Wild Years-By Al Gore Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman Human Rights Advances In China To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres The Engineer's Guide To Fashion My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr
Miscellaneous

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again? "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em." Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?" FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Miscellaneous

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
Miscellaneous

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us." Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE." Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
Miscellaneous

Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal
Miscellaneous

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. Your income tax refund check bounces. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. You put both contacts into the same eye. Your mother approves of the person you're dating. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard. Nothing you own is actually paid for. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Miscellaneous

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M+M's in alphabetical order! Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread. Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo Mama Jokes

Questions that have Confused humankind!!a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'llsqueeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to ahorrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs! a.. What do you call male ballerinas?a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,whydidn\'t he just buy dinner?a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made fromvegetables, then what is baby oil made from?a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have thesame tune? a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Miscellaneous

1. Coca-cola was originally green.2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.4. Dumbest dog: Afghan5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 28. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,0009. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 412. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/1213. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-3317. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 718. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 10526. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,40027. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/331. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/332. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 733. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/537. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/339. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals43. Only food that does not spoil: honey44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.51. Polar bears are left-handed.52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.53. Eskimos never gamble.54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.61. Hot water is heavier than cold.62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.71. Men get hiccups more often than women.72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
Miscellaneous

Confucious say......woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam....man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts....man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off....boy who lay girl on hill, not on level....man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed....he who smoke pot, choke on handle....woman who wear g-string, high on crack!...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!...he who masturbate, screw only himself!...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
Miscellaneous

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been."Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked."The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.""The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.""And the third envelope?" asked her friends."The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said..."So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Miscellaneous

Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Miscellaneous

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.By the way, where is your restroom?"The bartender quickly replies -,"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
Miscellaneous

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?""I haven't got any money!"
Miscellaneous

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
Miscellaneous

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
Miscellaneous

December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.Happy Holidays to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 3rdTO: ALL EMPLOYEESRegarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.Patty Lewis - Human Researchers DirectorDecember 7thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses DirectorDecember 9thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESPeople, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."Patty Lewis - Human RatracesDecember 10thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESVegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?The Bitch from Hell!December 14thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
Miscellaneous

George Carlin Speaks Out...I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.I am George Carlin.I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.We need our country back!
Miscellaneous

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied."I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says."Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!""I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated."NO! Get away from me!""TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!""FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money...."Well, OK...but only for a minute."She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
Miscellaneous

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.(why wait that long)2) Thou shall not do drugs.(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.(Walmart has a bigger selection)4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.(everyone knows grandma has more money)6) Thou shall not get into fights.(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)7) Thou shall not skip class.(just take the whole day off)8) Thou shall not strip in class.(Hooters pays more)9) Thou shall not think about having sex.(like Nike says, "just do it")10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.(just leave'm in the middle)
Miscellaneous

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.2. Nice legs...what time do they open?3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.15. Are those real? 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
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From David Letterman and the Late Show...Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy9. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know"8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying6. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat5. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay4. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife"2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built"1. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"
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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:Dear GOD,Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
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Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition. "We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay."
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallHumpty Dumpty had a great fallAll the kings horses and all the kings menSaid fuck him! - he's only an egg!Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!
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A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?""Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," replies the bartender."FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"
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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy".
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He Said...She Said:He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.She said...You wear briefs, don't you?He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said...Well, you succeeded.Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'She said...'Who's gonna look?'He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?She said...No, have you?He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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You?ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car?in the ?ten items or less? lane.You?ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.You?ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.You remember your kid?s names, just not always the right one.You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.You buy ?age-defying? makeup and ?antiwrinkle? creams and believe they work.You?ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.You?ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic??for the last time in a generation?You?d pay good money to be strip-searched.Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag?in less than five minutes.You know what Earth Shoes are.You think if you hear ?Stairway to Heaven? one more time your head will explode.Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.On Saturday night, when your wife mentions ?hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,? you tell her you?ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
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Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)Print it out and hang it over your work station...I dare ya!1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive I will not carve gods.I will not spank others.I will not aim for the head.I will not barf unless I'm sick.I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills.Funny noises are not funny.I will not snap bras.I will not fake seizures.This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death.I will not defame New Orleans.I will not prescribe medication.I will not bury the new kid.I will not teach others to fly.I will not bring sheep to class.A burp is not an answer.Teacher is not a leper.Coffee is not for kids.I will not eat things for money.I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce.Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures.I will return the seeing-eye dog.I do not have diplomatic immunity.I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy.The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy.Organ transplants are best left to professionals.The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.I will not waste chalk.I will not skateboard in the halls.I will not instigate revolution.I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis.I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny.They are laughing at me, not with me.I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly.I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything.I will not Xerox my butt.It's potato, not potatoe.I will not trade pants with others.I am not a 32 year old woman.I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car.I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property.I will not burp in class.I will not cut corners.I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem.I will not sell land in Florida.I will not grease the monkey bars.I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again.I will not show off.I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist.Spitwads are not free speech.Nobody likes sunburn slappers.High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner.I will not squeak chalk.I will finish what I sta"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"Sign over a gynecologist's office"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."On a Plumbers truck:"We repair what your husband tried to fix."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout"Door of a plastic surgeon's office:"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.Would that be satisfactory?"At a towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an electrician's truck"Let us remove your shorts."In a non-smoking area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On a maternity room door:"Push. Push. Push."At an optometrist's office:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."In a podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."On a fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."At a car dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."Outside a muffler shop:"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."In a veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"At the electric company:"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
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A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you". He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time". She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"
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25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES12. EASY UNIX11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... 1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton
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There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.The priest hands the lady $1 and says..."Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
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Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I've changed my mind.""I must admit, you brought religion into my life.I never believed in Hell till I met you.""Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:What the heck was I thinking?""If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.""As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.Like the need for therapy...""Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!""Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!""Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.""Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.""When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.""The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
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* Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids* Bad: You can't find your birth control pills* Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them* Good: Your son studies a lot in his room* Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.* Ugly: You're in them* Good: Your husband understands fashion* Bad: He's a cross-dresser* Ugly: He looks better than you* Good: Your son's finally maturing* Bad: He's involved with the woman next door* Ugly: So are you* Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter* Bad: She keeps interrupting* Ugly: With corrections* Good: Your wife's not talking to you* Bad: She wants a divorce* Ugly: She's a lawyer* Good: The postman's early* Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47* Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas* Good: Your daughter got a new job* Bad: As a hooker* Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients* Way ugly: She makes more money than you do* Good: You're son is dating someone new* Bad: It's another man* Ugly: He's you're best friend* Good: You're wife is pregnant.* Bad: It's triplets* Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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...'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.''Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!''Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.''Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?''It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.''And what does your present husband do for a living?''He's a mortician.''A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?''Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... And four to go!'
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At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything."When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100,000?"Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, "OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?"Stevie replies, "I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!"
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TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway26. Illiterate? Write For Help27. Honk If Anything Falls Off28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.44. Ax Me About Ebonics45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel46. Boldly Going Nowhere47. Cat: The Other White Meat48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door. Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat. Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate. Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.Yo mama so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler".Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's.Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, "These walls ain't green!!"Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said what's new!Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said "WET FLOOR", So she did.Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
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Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal FriendsHow many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?I'm an imbecile and I voteMoney Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In TouchIf you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?Grow your own dope, plant a manAll Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better PetsSome people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.All men are idiots...I married their king.Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugsDon't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill itWe are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
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A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, " Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to."The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.So she tells him, "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine."The man scratches his head and says, "your right, I can't top that." and he pays her the five dollars.Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says "your on"Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!"
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A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!" His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man."We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied."Oh, come along with me then.""But sir, I have a wife with two children!""Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man."But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered."Bring them as well!"They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED-by Elizabeth TaylorBEAUTY SECRETS-by Janet RenoHOME BUILT AIRPLANES-by John DenverDOWN HILL SKIING-by Sonny BonoHOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL-by Dan MarinoFLYING AT NIGHT-by JFK, Jr.THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL-by Hillary ClintonMY LIFE'S MEMORIES-by Ronald ReaganTHINGS I CAN'T AFFORD-by Bill GatesMY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O. J. SimpsonTHINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis RodmanTHE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH-by the RamseysAMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEANAMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERSDETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDEDR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHESMIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTETHE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYHELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE
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Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:Dear GOD:Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - JaneDear GOD:Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - LarryDear GOD:If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - MickeyDear GOD:I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - NanDear GOD:In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - JaneDear GOD:I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, AlisonDear GOD:Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - LucyDear GOD:Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? AnitaDear GOD:Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD:Who draws the lines around the countries? - NanDear GOD:I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD:What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD:Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - DarlaDear GOD:Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - JoyceDear GOD:It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)Dear GOD:Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear GOD:Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. BruceDear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - DeniseDear GOD:If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - RaphaelDear GOD:I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - SamDear GOD:You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - DeanDear GOD:I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.Dear GOD:I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - ElliottDear GOD:Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- RobDear GOD:My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - MarshaDear GOD:I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, ChrisDear GOD:We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, DonnaDear GOD:The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - EddieDear GOD:I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - CharlesDear GOD:I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
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Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed."No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.""Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.""And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.""I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!
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A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?Are there any unguided missiles?Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?Do hummingbirds hum because they don?t know the words?Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?How come wrong numbers are never busy?How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
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A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.The man replies: "Chapter 11".
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?Here's a few:(_!_) a regular ass(__!__) a fat ass(!) a tight ass(_^^_) a bubble ass(_*_) a sore ass{_!_} a swishy ass(_o_) an ass that's been around(_x_) kiss my ass(_X_) leave my ass alone(_zzz_) a tired ass(_o^^o_) a wise ass(_E=mc2_) a smart ass(_$_) Money coming out of his ass(_?_) Dumb Ass
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DANGER: new viruses discovered!:Congressional Virus v2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.Airline Virus : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.And finally...JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
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(Age 22)1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates the finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover(Age 32)1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant4. Listens more then he talks5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal9. Remembers anniversaries10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week(Age 42)1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down10. Shaves on most weekends(Age 52)1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public3. Doesn't borrow money too often4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear8. Appreciates a good TV dinner9. Remembers your name on occasion10. Shaves on some weekends(Age 62)1. Doesn't scare small children2. Remembers where the bathroom is3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)5. Forgets why he's laughing6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone7. Usually wears some clothes8. Likes soft foods9. Remembers where he left his teeth10. Remembers when...(Age 72)1. Breathing.....
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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.""That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex1. Cover your stump before you hump2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker3. Don't be silly, protect your willy4. When in doubt, shroud your spout5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it8. If you think she's spunky cover your money9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick12. If you're going into heat, package your meat13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool18. The right selection will protect your erection19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil20. A crank with armor will never harm her21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""How's that?" the would be accountant asked."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?""I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively."Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"
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Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."Elsewhere...In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And...In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...entirely in quarters. Stranger yet....Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .In the Heartland...Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .And Finally. . .In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .
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The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together."Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back."Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"
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I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL...NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)FOOT IN MOUTH...UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)
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The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy."Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied."Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
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A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
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25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYAnd the Number one World's Shortest book......1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton
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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -JaneDear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, AlisonDear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -LucyDear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -AnitaDear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -BruceDear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -DeniseDear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -RaphaelDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -DannyDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -SamDear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -DeanDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -ElliottDear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -NanDear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -RobDear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -MarshaDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, DonnaDear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -EddieDear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -CharlesDear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene
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Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper.The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the "Wise Men".Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God's political problems. If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled "The Ten Commandments" by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor.Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.
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Gentlemen:I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.Yours for more credit,Max
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I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in loveWhat's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.Do you like raisins? How about a date?So... How am I doin'?I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me.Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.Is it hot in here, or is it just you?If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.Can I flirt with you?Hi, my name's _____, but you can call me "lover".(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.What do you like for breakfast?Say, did we go to different schools together?Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You : "Do you have the energy?"You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?Hi, I make more money than you can spend.I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a WednesdayI know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked. Bring food/beer.
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Things you don't want to hear during surgery:1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie. 7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 9. Damn, there go the lights again...10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?14. I hope his family won't miss him15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.
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How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - What's a climax?LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST - When you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
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LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================
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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
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1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to7. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one. 18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's. 23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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The 5 questions most feared by men are:1...What are you thinking about?2...Do you love me?3...Do I look fat?4...Do you think she is prettier than me?5...What would you do if I died?What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.Question # 1: What are you thinking about?The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"Question # 2: Do you love me?The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a...Oh Yeah, crap loads. b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c...That depends on what you mean by love. d...Does it matter? e...Who, me?Question # 3: Do I look fat?The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a...Compared to what? b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c...A little extra weight looks good on you. d...I've seen fatter. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:a...Yes, but you have a better personality. b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d...Define pretty. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.Question # 5: What would you do if I died?A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:1... Combating Stupidity2... You, Too, Can Do Housework3... PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut4... How to Fill an Ice Tray5... We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money6... Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am7... Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")8... Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception9... Get a Life: Learn to Cook10... How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong11... Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right12... Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13... You: The Weaker Sex14... Reasons to Give Flowers15. How to Stay Awake After Sex16... Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom17... Garbage: Getting it to the Curb18... You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try19... The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower20... I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please21... How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")22... "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms23... Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit24... How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost25... The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency26... Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex27... Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes28... Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too29... Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home30... You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver31... Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")32... Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works33... The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary34... Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary35... Techniques of Calling Home36... Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.
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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He marries........ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The one with the largest breasts!
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Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs? A: The Dallas CowboysQ: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game? A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.Q: What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern? A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A: A huddle.Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving? A: The police.Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore? A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known Felons.I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System". Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.The Cowboys had a 8 and 8 season this year. 8 arrests, 8 convictions.The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator; Johnny Cochran.Q: What's the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby? A: Eventually the baby stops whining.A woman in Dallas calls911. When the officer answers the phone the woman is hysterical and tells the cop that a man has just broken into her home and she thinks he intends to rape her. The officer explain that they are just extremely busy at the moment and tells her "Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."
Miscellaneous

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk" You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine." You know what it means to be on 'pogey'. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!" You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'. You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that." You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US". You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
Miscellaneous

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."They hugged and made their peace.A little while later, Hillary asked Bill -"So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"
Miscellaneous

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Miscellaneous

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?A. We'd eat pussy every ThanksgivingQ. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMSA. Nothing.Q: What's the speed limit of sex?A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.Q: What's the ultimate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?A. Hair balls.Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk driveQ. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A Come in five flavorsQ. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?A. CrustQ. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour porkQ. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowingQ. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infectionQ. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?A. By sticking your finger in his honeyQ. What is the ultimate rejection?A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleepQ. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?A. Both can smell it but can't eat itQ. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?A. A blow job with handle barsQ. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A. A mobile sperm bank.Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?A. All you can eat for under a buck.Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A. A cherry float.Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?A. Beat IT -we're closed.Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A. To find a tight seal.Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"Q. Why is air a lot like sex?A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A. He heard the snow blower coming.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?A: She's withholding evidenceQ: What's the difference between light and hard?A. You can sleep with a light on.Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.Q. What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?A. His wife died.Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?A. The cake jumps out of the girl.Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A. Full up.Q. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?A. You can eat your mums apple pieQ. What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?A. Put a nipple on it.Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.The answer. A cockrobin.The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.Q. What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?A. Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?A. You push it to the side before you start eating.Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.Q.What is the difference between women and computers?A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?A. Hanson.Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?A. A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?A. One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest?A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.Q. What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?A. Dress her up as a choir boy.Q. why do tampons have strings?A. So you can floss after eating.Q. What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?A. At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.Q. What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?A. They both dig dead peoples holes.Q. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?A. One is a hunt on the course...........Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?A. A blood vessel.Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.Q. What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?A. A seagull flits along the shore.Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?A. A pimp.Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?A. Michael Jackson's hand.Q. What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?A. Wipe it off and apologise.Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?A. odour eaters.Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?A. Its not hard.Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.Q. How do you make a dog drink?A. Put it in the blender.Q. Why did god put men on earth?A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?A. A pick pocket snatches watches.Q. What's white and clings to the wall?A. George Michael's latest release.Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?A. You cant gargle with sand.
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Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.***************************DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.**********************ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.***********************PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.****************DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.**********************THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.***********************WEDDINGS1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.*******************DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Miscellaneous

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.Madman Curie discovered radio.And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Rules for Buying Gifts for MenRule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.Rule #2:If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the wordratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.Rule #3:If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.Rule #4:Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.Rule #5:You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.Rule #6:Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.Rule #7:Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.Rule #8:Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.Rule #9:Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.Rule #10:Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."Rule #11Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"Rule #12:Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.Rule #13:Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.Rule #14:It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.Rule #15:Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
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The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.I will not carve gods.I will not spank others.I will not aim for the head.I will not barf unless I'm sick.I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.I will not conduct my own fire drills.Funny noises are not funny.I will not snap bras.I will not fake seizures.This punishment is not boring and pointless.My name is not Dr. Death.I will not prescribe medication.I will not bury the new kid.I will not teach others to fly.I will not bring sheep to class.A burp is not an answer.Teacher is not a leper.I will not eat things for money.I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.I will not call the principal "spud head".Goldfish don't bounce.Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.No one is interested in my underpants.I will not sell miracle cures.I will return the seeing-eye dog.I do not have diplomatic immunity.I will not charge admission to the bathroom.The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.Organ transplants are best left to professionals. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.I will not skateboard in the halls.Underwear should be worn on the inside.The Christmas Pageant does not stink.I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son, "How come you never go out with the same girl twice?"As Caesar said, "Let me mix that salad!"As Moses said to God, "Let me see if I have it right - the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?"As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, "I can't understand it. I paid for a seat!"As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, "We can't rob that bank. That's where we keep our money!"As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, "Don't shout!"
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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do!
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.There's too much blood in my alcohol system.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.Lord save me from your followers.God must love stupid people. He made so many.I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.K - KISS: Mom's medicine.L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.M - MAYBE: No.N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
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Some of life's truisms...Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.I intend to live forever - so far, so good.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.A fool and his money are soon partying.Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
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The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.""To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.""When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.""Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.""There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.""Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.""Blood flows down one leg and up the other.""Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.""Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.""A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.""Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.""The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.""The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.""A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.""The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.""A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.""Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.""Germinate: To become a naturalized German.""Liter: A nest of young puppies.""Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.""Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.""Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.""Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.""Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.""Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.""For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.""For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.""For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.""To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.""When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.""To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.""The parts of speech are lungs and air.""The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.""A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.""A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.""The general direction of the Alps is straight up.""A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.""Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.""The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.""The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.""We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.""One of the main causes of dust is janitors.""A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.""The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.""The climate is hottest next to the Creator.""Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.""The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.""In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.""Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.""In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.""One by-product of raising cattle is calves.""Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
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Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:We learn about VD in:"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:"I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"Is Linus gay?"ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:"OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:"NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:"GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:"ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"Charlie Brown gets his first job in:"WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:"GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:"WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"
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Signs you've had too much of the 90's!You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
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DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .........................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.................................... 10SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party.............................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...................................................-2 Named Tiffany....................................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer..............................................-6 Tiffany has implants.............................................-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner........................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ............ 1 Okay, it is a sports bar.........................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team................................-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely..............................-20 You forget your anniversary.....................................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station....................-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey..................................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.....................-60A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie.......................................... 2 You take her to a movie she likes................................ 4 You take her to a movie you hate ................................ 6 You take her to a movie you like.................................-2 It's called DeathCop3...........................................-3 Which features cyborgs having sex................................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ..... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly.............................. -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..........................................-30 You say "I don't care because you have one too" ...............-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical............... -5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You don't stop to ask directions .......................0 You stop and ask for directions ...................... 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.......................................................-25 You know them..................................................-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?"............................................-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression................................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..............-20
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is usually right.Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.A fool and his money will soon be partying.Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
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A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"No problem" the martain man replies.Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"The man replied, "It was awful!!The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
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A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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If your favorite color is:RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men.A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing.BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing.BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.
Miscellaneous

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.[It's known as the Sanka clause.]The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]Every person has a unique tongue print.[But would you want someone to ink yours?]Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.[Even if you don't inhale.]Women's hearts beat faster than men's.[Even after death.]When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname. ]Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.[His parents never bought him a night light.]Bubble gum contains rubber.[But should not be used as a condom.]You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."[And most likely to grab himself.]Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.[74% think Madonna is.]The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.[I may never eat Jell-o again!]The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. [But it will hold a grudge much longer.]Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]Most American car horns honk in the key of F.[And we all know what the F represents.]The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]Most lipstick contains fish scales.[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.[Who volunteers to confirm this?]Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.[The same is true for people.]
Miscellaneous

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of error. )TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.FREUDIANVIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.ELVISVIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.NIKEVIRUS: Just does it.SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.CONGRESSIONALVIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song(slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs. . . . No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!
Miscellaneous

Twas the Night before X-masT'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissedHe cussed out the elves and through down his listMiserable little brats, ungrateful little jerksI have a good mind to scrap the whole worksI've busted my ass for damn near a yearInstead of thanks Santa what do I hearThe Old lady bitches cause I work late at nightThe elves want more money the reindeers all fightRudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get betterThose assholes from IRS sent me a letterThey say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funnyWho the hell ever sent Santa Claus any moneyAnd the kids these days- they all are the pits They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shitsI spent a whole year making wagons and sledsAssembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and headsI made a ton of yo yo's No request for them They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBMIf you thinks that bad...just picture thisTry holding their pants full of piss They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierdFlying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimmneys and skinning their kneesI'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoymentI'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season
Miscellaneous

The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Miscellaneous

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state - of - the - art computer you can't afford.Obsolete - Any computer you own.Microsecond - The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become obsolete.Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.
Miscellaneous

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingieOh no! I just lost my Rolex.Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?Damn, there go the lights again..."Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!Anyone see where I left that scalpel?This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.What do you mean "You want a divorce"!She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
Miscellaneous

Confucious say:Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilethigh on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better forboy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come intomoney. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fartin church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period getcaught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseballwrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes getgood run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up withsmelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounceon dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat mustpay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Miscellaneous

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"To that the man asks, "Anything??"And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"With that, the man says, "Follow me."He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."She does.He then says, "Get on your knees."She does.He then says, "Take down my zipper."She does.He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
Miscellaneous

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious."I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory.""One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him.""One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... "
Miscellaneous

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
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A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTERDear Louanne Ellie Mae,I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. Wedon't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a loan in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.Love, MomP. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.Question: What is one horsepower?Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.Talc is found in rocks and on babies.The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs.When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.When planets do it we say they are orbiting.Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?Answer: I have never performed this experiment.Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.Lime is a green tasting rock.Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.Rain is saved up in cloud banks.In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORTI am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do ,anything, until he knows for sure.I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
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The Heavy ThinkerIt started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking...""I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!""But Honey, surely it's not that serious.""It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!""That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
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Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?A: Not enough cement.Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?A: Another lawyer.Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: How many can you afford?Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?A: The vulture eventually lets go.Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.Person 2: Why do you say that?Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly."Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?""Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?""Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to humanbeings."When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
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One day a man decided to geta tattoo on his penis, his wife askedwere have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. Thewife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!
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A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.12. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.13. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.14. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?15. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.16. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.
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OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The "Continuous Improvement Team" was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not were rowing.To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American Team's management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Director, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder."We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it."The next year the Japanese won by two miles.Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to "cut costs, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a "Superior Performance" award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials InformationSystem ----------------------------------------------------------------------Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Largequantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.3. Boils at nothing.4. Freezes without reason.5. Melts with special reason.6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to commonore.8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance toreproduce with marked physical and mental changes.CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)COMMON USES: ------------1. Highly ornamental.2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: -----------------------1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.HAZZARDS: ---------1. May explode spontaneously without cause.2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal
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"I'm going fishing."Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Let's take your car."Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.""Woman driver."Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.""I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.""It's a guy thing."Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really meanAbsolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."Good idea."Really means"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.""Have you lost weight?"Really means"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.""My wife doesn't understand me."Really means"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means"I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means"The batteries in the remote are dead.""I got a lot done."Really means"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.""We're going to be late."Really means"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.""You cook just like my mother used to."Really means"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.""I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""That's interesting, dear."Really means"Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means"I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me."Really means"You want me to stay awake.""It's a really good movie."Really means"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.""That's women's work."Really means"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Will you marry me?"Really means"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.""Go ask your mother."Really means"I am incapable of making a decision.""You know how bad my memory is."Really means"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."Really means"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""Football is a man's game."Really means"Women are generally too smart to play it.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house."Really means"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I can't find it."Really means"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"Really means"What did you catch me at?""What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.""She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means"She refused to make my coffee.""But I hate to go shopping."Really means"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.""No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means"You may actually get it to start.""I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.""I heard you."Really means"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""You know I could never love anyone else."Really means"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""You look terrific."Really means"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I brought you a present."Really means"It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.""I missed you."Really means"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means"No one will ever see us alive again.""We share the housework."Really means"I make the messes, she cleans them up.""This relationship is getting too serious."Really means"I like you more than my truck.""I recycle."Really means"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.""Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?""It sure snowed last night."Really means"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.""It's good beer."Really means"It was on sale.""I don't need to read the instructions."Really means"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.""I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.""I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.""I broke up with her."Really means"She dumped me."
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15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.Toe tag paper cuts.The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
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"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.""All generalizations are false.""Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.""I love cats...they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their King!""E. coli Happens""Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!""Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician""If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.""SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....""Towers will be violated""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ""End rape. Say 'Yes!'""I KNOW JACK SHIT!""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.""Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some.""I Brake For No Apparent Reason.""When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! ""Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.""Wink, I'll do the rest!""I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!""No Radio - Already Stolen""Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.""Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""When there's a will, I want to be in it!""Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?""If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?""Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ""I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!""I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!""Assassins do it from behind!""Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!""Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!""Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.""IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ""Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""Which came first? The woman or the department store?""LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.""Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?""I'm not as think as you drunk I am""First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Don't come knocking if the car is rocking""Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter""Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?""We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.""Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.""He who laughs last thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""i souport publik edekasion""The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.""We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock.""2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.""I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ""Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.""I is a college student.""Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.""Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.""Eschew obfuscation.""God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!""I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?""CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.""We're staying together for the sake of the cats.""It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.""My karma ran over your dogma.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.""Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.""Welcome to Texas, now go home.""It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.""Life's too short to dance with ugly men.""Life's too short to dance with ugly women.""My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her.""When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).""Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Will Rogers never met a lawyer.""Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""Don't steal. The government hates competition.""Is there life before coffee?""Never play leap frog with a unicorn.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m""The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.""I Cayman went.""My other wife is beautiful.""I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?""Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.""Nuke the unborn baby whales.""Geez if you belive in honkus.""Friends don't let friends drive naked.""Save California; when you leave take someone with you.""I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.""There's one in every crowd and they always find me.""If money could talk, it would say goodbye.""When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.""Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.""If it's too loud, you're too old.""The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.""Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.""Who cares who's on board?""Die Yuppie Scum.""Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.""Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.""Women make great leaders. You're following one now.""Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.""Exxon Suxx.""Honk if you love cheeses.""Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.""I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.""So many pedestrians, so little time."
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A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area - Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money? ". The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, "What the fuck is this?"The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.Mr. Big said, "Do you know how to read sign language?"The man said, " No, but I'll find someone who can. ". He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same."Well," says Mr. Big, "What did he say?"She says he said, "Fuck You! ".Mr. Big replied, "You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you."The girl asks him again, "Where is the money " and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time? ", asked Mr. Big.He said " Fuck You, again ". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!".She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. " Well ", asked Mr. Big," What did he say this time? ".She replied " He said Fuck You! ".
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There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled "Free Money. "What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
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Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?""I dont know", replies the stupid cashier.The woman leaves unsatisfied.THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!""10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier.The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?""10 cents ma'am""Really?, are they fresh?""I dont know"So the woman leaves.The boss, having spied this screams "WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?"So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh"The next day, another woman comes and says "Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?""10 cents" He replies."Are they fresh?""Very fresh""Should I buy them?""I dont know"So the woman leaves.The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?""ok, gotcha boss"So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir""WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?""Yes, very fresh sir""SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?""If you dont, somebody else will"
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What do you call an unemployed jester? ... Nobody's fool.Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ...Push!"Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scornto smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? ... Make me one with everything.What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? ... WET rocks.Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents." (Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special. (Then, below it,in pencil): "So's tomorrow."Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."Chinese proverb: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum."How can there be self-help "groups"?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?Is there another word for synonym?Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Miscellaneous

RELATIONSHIPS:First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.Sex:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Locker Rooms:In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Magazines:Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Handwriting:To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.Comedy:Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.Bathrooms:A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Groceries:A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.Shoes:When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.Leg Warmers:Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Going Out:When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup. . .Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.Offspring:Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Low Blows:Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt. "The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.Dressing Up:A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.David Letterman:Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.Laundry:Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."Weddings:When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".Socks:Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.Nicknames:If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.Eating out:. . . and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.Mirrors:Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.Menopause:When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.The Telephone:Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephoneto send short messages to other people. A woman can visit hergirlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Directions:If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there. " and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."Admitting Mistakes:Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.Richard Gere:Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who work sat the health club and dates only married women.Madonna:Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Toys:Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.Plants:A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.Cameras:Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always send up taking better pictures.Garages:Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.Movies:Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.Jewelry:Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Miscellaneous

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.""On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.""Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . . "
Miscellaneous

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure.I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Miscellaneous

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button- Minimize button- Shutdown feature- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) - "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.***** BUG WARNING ********Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.
Miscellaneous

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?""What?! Get the hell out of my cab."The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.
Miscellaneous

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Havingnoticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.The sheik explains:"I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women.And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!"
Miscellaneous

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!
Miscellaneous

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.For example:1 - "What are you thinking?"The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you diedAccording to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:2 - "Do you love me?"The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me?3 - "Do I look fat?"The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.5 - "What would you do if I died?"Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband."Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."
Miscellaneous

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.* A fool and his money are soon partying.* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."* Death to all fanatics!* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.* Chastity is curable, if detected early.* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.* Half the people you know are below average.* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.And finally....* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
Miscellaneous

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque.""Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another."Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.""Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar."I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble." The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit. "Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home."The drunk protests... "N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...""Tell you what," the bartender says. "You got any 20 dollar bills on you?"The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies... "Y-yeah, I got a few...." The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. "There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!""B-br-brilliant!", the drunk exclaims excitedly. "Thish jush might w-work!"The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. "Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!""N-no hunnybunsh," the drunk stammers... "Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened..."The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money."Wait a minute..." the wife says, "there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket."The drunk reels, regroups, and explains... "Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!"
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by Every guy in America:1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to includesomething from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.5. Shopping is not fascinating.6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.7. Unless the answer is yes.8. In which case, can he videotape it?9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.15. He heard you the first time.16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.20. Dogs good. Cats bad.21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.25. He was not looking at that other girl.26. Well, okay... maybe a little.27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.40. Don't hog the covers.41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...42. He does not just want to be friends.43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
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Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.""No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.""I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.""It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.""Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?"Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much.""When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour.""All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.""They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.""Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime.""Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree.""Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.""I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER"Sensitivity don't hurt.""One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.""Shake your hips and hope for the best.""Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there.""Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.""One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.""Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food.""Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.""See if the man has lipstick on his face.""It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU""The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.""Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.""You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.""It might help to watch soap operas all day."WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?"When they're rich.""It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.""If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission.""I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.""Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love.""Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.""Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
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Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name. The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.Happy New Year.Love,Mom
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You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.At last! I finally found the perfect girl!A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?Is it hot in here or is it just you?If I follow you home, will you keep me?The best way to hold a man is in your arms.If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?But you're so *cute* when you blush!All those curves, and me with no brakes.I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.Please be patient--this is my first time.May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?Be good and you'll be lonely.The best things in life are ME!I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.- David BissonetteA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.- Zsa Zsa GaborI'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.- Zsa Zsa GaborWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.- Sacha GuitryMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.- MontaigneAfter marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.-- Hemant JoshiA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana TurnerMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.- Mae West"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury."- George BurnsUnknown Author QuotesMarriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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RELATIONSHIPSFirst of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.SEXWomen prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.MATURITYWomen mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.HATSWomen look good in hats; men look like idiots.GROCERIESA woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.MAGAZINESMen's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.HANDWRITINGTo their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.COMEDYLet's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.BATHROOMSA man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.GOING OUTWhen a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.CATSWomen love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men abuse cats.SHOESWhen preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.LEG WARMERSLeg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.MIRRORSMen are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.MENOPAUSEWhen a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.THE TELEPHONEMen see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.LOW BLOWSLet's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.DIRECTIONSIf a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."ADMITTING MISTAKESWomen will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.RICHARD GEREWomen like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.NICKNAMESWith the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they willaffectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.TOYSLittle girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.PLANTSA woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.MUSTACHESSome men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.CAMERASMen take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.LOCKER ROOMSIn the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.LAUNDRYWomen do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.POLITICSMen love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.WEDDINGSWhen reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."CHEERLEADERSFemale cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.SOCKSMen are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.GARAGESWomen use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.MOVIESFor women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy.JEWELRYWomen look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALLColored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
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Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat.I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"
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A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:PREACHER'S ASS SHOWSThe preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONTThe bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASSThis was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWNThe bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...They buried the bishop the next day.
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??Libertarians are anarchists with money.Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.
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A Press Release -WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer."Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go."Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all."However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers."But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December).The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized" stated Golden.Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved.
Miscellaneous

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"
Miscellaneous

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.Republicans wear theirs.Republicans employ exterminators.Democrats step on the bugs.Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.Neither are Republicans.Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.Democrats ought to, but don't.Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.Democrats eat the fish they catch.Republicans hang them on the wall.Republican boys date Democratic girls.They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.Democrats make plans and then do something else.Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.That is why there are more Democrats.
Miscellaneous

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."Hi. Now you say something.""Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.
Miscellaneous

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Miscellaneous

John Bobbit Virus--Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)?Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.?Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".?Right to Life Virus--Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.?Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.?Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.?AT&T Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.?MCI Virus-- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.?Sprint Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.?PBS Virus--Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.?Health Care Virus--Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.?New York Jets Virus--Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.?LAPD Virus--It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".?O.J. Virus--Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.?Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.?Ted Turner Virus--Colorizes your monochrome monitor.?Dan Quayle Virus--Their is sumthing rong wit your're komputer, we jsut can't figyour out watt.
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?WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger?WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet?WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file ?WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong?WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused?WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive?WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware?WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments?WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened?WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full?WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB?WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!?WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside?WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside?WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened?WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers?WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh??WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.?WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.?WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!?WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all yoursoftware. We are terribly sorry.?WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that?WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.?WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.?WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. ?WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers?WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.?WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.?WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.Please click the left mouse button to continue.?WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.?WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game??WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure?WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
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Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!Q. What are pre-existing conditions?A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Miscellaneous

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.1. Freudian VirusYour computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.2. Lorena Bobbit VirusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.3. Tonya Harding VirusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.4. Paul Revere VirusWarns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\5. Hillary Rodham Clinton VirusInstantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.6. Ollie North VirusPlays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.7. Joey Buttafuaco VirusOnly attacks minor files.8. Ronald Reagan VirusSaves your data, but forgets where it's stored.9. Jane Fonda VirusAttacks your hard drive's FAT.10. Oprah Winfrey VirusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.11. AT&T VirusEvery three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.12. MCI VirusEvery three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.13. Politically Correct VirusNever calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."14. Ross Perot VirusActivates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.15. Arnold Schwarzenegger VirusTerminates and stays resident. It'll be back.16. Government Economist VirusNothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.17. Federal Bureaucrat VirusDivides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.18. Adam and Eve VirusTakes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.19. Congressional Virus #1The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.20. Congressional Virus #2Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.21. Airline VirusYou're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.22. PBS VirusYour computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.23. Jimmy Hoffa VirusYour programs can never be found again.24. LAPD VirusIt claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."25. O.J. VirusIt claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!
Miscellaneous

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere! A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money are soon popular. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it? All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH! Even the blind can see money. Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money. It's not the money I want, it's the stuff. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. Money burns a hole in my pocket...how about yours? Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it. Money is the root of all bills. Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love. Money Talks - and it usually says NO!! Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money. This country has the best politicians money can buy. Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of.... Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory. Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington D.C. When money talks, it usually says "Bend over." You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back! Alimony? ...sounds kind like all yer money No one kills over drugs ... They kill over money. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
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The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.Following the rules will not get the job done.Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"No matter how much you do, you never do enough.The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above ) If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
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What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, andwomen are crazy for it?Money!!!
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An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain????????Answer: Well, DUH!...The one with the biggest breasts!
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A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae WestGive a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae WestI like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae WestIt's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae WestMen become old, but they never become good. - Oscar WildeA bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
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Element: WomanSymbol: WoAtomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.Discoverer: AdamOccurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.Physical Properties :a) Surface usually covered with painted film.b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.c) Melts if given special treatment.d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.Chemical Properties :a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.Uses :a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.Tests :a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Caution :a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.b) Illegal to possess more than one.
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How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
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What's a man's worst nightmare?1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera. 2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to. 3) A female boss. 4) He has to ask his wife for money.
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How does an older woman keep her youth?By giving him money!
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If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.If they pay for dinner, you are using them.If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.If you want sex, they won't wake up.If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.
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They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true.They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
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A man was complaining to a friend:"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."My wife found out..."
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Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money!
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A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor..."I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.""You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?""Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."
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Alimony:1) A contraction of the term "all-his-money".2) A splitting headache.3) It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.4) Paying for something you don't get.5) That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.6) The high cost of leaving.7) The last laugh.8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.10) A woman's cash surrender value.11) The billing minus the cooing.Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
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Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...A child will not spill on a dirty floor.A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.A young child is a noise with dirt on it.A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Celibacy is not hereditary.Familiarity breeds children.For adult education, nothing beats children.God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.Having children will turn you into your parents.If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma BombeckOne child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.The best thing to spend on your children is time.The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
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My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.What were you thinking of? "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why. You're grounded. Just do it, or else.Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!(at dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinnerONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll understand.Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer. "Hey" is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and don't come out until I say so. I'm very disappointed in you.I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks. Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)Sit up straight.I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course you're going to church. You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes! I don't know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) I'll tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say You're sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you. What's for dinner? - It's a surprise! Why didn't you go before we got in the car? I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one! No, and that's final! One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? What's the magic word? Say "excuse me".Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)Half begun is half done. Don't lie to me young man/lady!Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen!(Moral: don't ask!)That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purple's not your color, you look sallow.Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM?" Is having a good time all you think about? You're no child of mine!!! Well...What seems to be the problem with you? I'm really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and you'll go blind! "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!" Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed! You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd *never* thought of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)It's always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! "Go tell your father he wants you now."[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....] "Okay, only wash one of them"[In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."There'll be tears before bedtime! You'll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will. How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. [as I break into a Cure tune...] If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you." [variation: "Because I'm the Dad/Mom."] Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. In my day we didn't have money to throw around.We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.Does it look like I'm made of money? Money doesn't grow on trees you know.You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over it, it's hanging out so far.If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.That's not music; that's just NOISE! "Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."Because you are taller than me. I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!
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"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income." his wife told her best friend."How do you two manage? And you even have kids!""We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.""Really? How can that be?""Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!"
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"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"
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After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money."The agent replies, "Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.
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Sign seen on the back of a truck:Driver carries no money, his wife has it!
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Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?"The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower."Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""Probably that I married you for your money."
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This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face."What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk."Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
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Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball! "White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl's dress?Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra...Throw your bra..."Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride.Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse". Return a bra which the bride left in your car.If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".
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What is a wedding tragedy?To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!
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"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law). If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
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The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first500.Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didn't have enough so he left a little space, Here's to space!Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends... Drink Hearty!When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....John.To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today - He'll get her tonight Just living together
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Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard ShawOne cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie SnowBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - SocratesMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert SpencerSomeone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria SteinemIf you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. TebbettsAt American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin TrillinA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana TurnerI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - TynanThe first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe ValezMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - VoltaireMarriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae WestBachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar WildeLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar WildeWhy are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. MenckenMan is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
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I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.
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What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.
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A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there wasanother way that would cost only $50.The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and thedoctor worked on her for several minutes.After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to thedoctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,everything was there. And she asked him how he did it."Simple...I tied your pubic hairs together!"
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As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now".The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"
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Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / TimeAnd since: Knowledge = Power And: Time = Money , It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / KnowledgeThus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
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THE FACTS OF LIFEThe 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
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A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!"He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!"The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
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There once was a man named Dave,who found a dead whore in a cave.She was ugly as shitand missing one tit,but think of the money he saved!
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You know you're not a kid anymore when...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.You can live without sex, but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.You call Olan Mills before they call you.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.You sing along with the elevator music.You would rather go to work than stay home sick.You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You make an appointment to see the dentist.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.Neighbors borrow your tools.People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"You have dreams about prunes.You answer a question with "because i said so!"You send money to PBS.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.You take a metal detector to the beach.You wear black socks with sandals.You know what the word "equity" means.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.Your ears are hairier than your head.You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.You get into a heated argument about pension plans.You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."You go bowling without drinking.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, "needy". "Can I help you?" the Madam asks. "I want Natalie", the old man replies. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?""No. I want Natalie."Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. "I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you're from?""I am from Minsk.""Really", replies Natalie "I have a sister who lives there.""I know", says the old man. "She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you."
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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)Cover charge:$15.00Round of drinks:23.00Table dance:$30.00Another round of drinks:$23.00Couch dance and tips:$50.00A round of shots:$34.00Private dance in your hotel room:$300.00Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:"PRICELESS!"There are some things that money can't buy.For everything else, there's MasterCard.
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An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins."How am I doing?" He asks."Three knots," she replies. "Three knots? What's that mean?""You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
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One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, andalways will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours tobegin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up yourstuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, andnever behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, youeither married it or gave birth to it!
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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.Hi. This is John:If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.If you are my parents, please send money.If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.If you are my friends, you owe me money.If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."Hi. Now you say something.""Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." beep "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.""Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.""This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.""Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.""Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.""If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.""You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.""You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have "mad passionate animal sex." When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, "How much did you make," looking at his "good" son. The "good" son said $10, with a modest look on his face.Then the dad glared at his other son and said, "How about you?" The bad son said, "well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!"
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A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!
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A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter."I would like a loan of ?30,000 please." he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. "Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know." says Paddy, "You'll need a collateral for that amount of money.""That's okay," says the frog, "I have this." And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. "What's this? I can't accept this as collateral." "Don't worry," says the frog, "I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here."Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says "There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow ?30,000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?"The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says... "It's a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
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I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and "sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00"Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.Well the man replied "No sir... I have money for gambling."
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1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black""Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.""Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.""Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?""Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.""Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked."WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
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1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.5. You drink pop, not soda.6. You know what it means to be on pogey.7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"23. You read rather than scanned this list.
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You Might Be A Redneck... ...If your dad walks u to school 'cause you're in the same grade! ...If u mow the grass and find the car! ...If someone comes to your house everyday thinking you're having a garage sale! ...If u sell the car 4 gas money!
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A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested." He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck." "Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead." She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife." Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!""Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?""Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.""OK great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." No problem - it's the least I could do.And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied."And what's your wish genie?", the husband said."Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright."The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?""35." she replied."And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!"
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A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"
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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.1.His Doctor2.His Priest3.His Lawyer"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"
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The Perfect Woman would say: 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.12. I'll be out painting the house.13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.17. Your mother did a great job raising you.18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or8.23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.24. That was a great fart! Do another one!25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
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World's Worst Pick-up Lines...I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?I love every bone in your body - especially mine.You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."
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There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him. "What's this ?" he asks. The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!
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Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)
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Golf GenieA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied."No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.""OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied."And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied."And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!"
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---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
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Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."(Judy, 8)"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."(Tom, 5)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, 10)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."(Kally, 9)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"(Lynette, 9)"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."(Kenny, 7)CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."(Jan, 9)"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."(Harlen, 8)ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."(Leo, 7)ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."(Jeanne, 8)"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."(Gary, 7)"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."(Dave, 8)CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television."(Anita,6)"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."(Bart, 9)HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."(John, 9)"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."(Dave 8)"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire." (Christine, 9)WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."(Michelle, 9)HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."(Doug, 7)"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."(Jean, 10)HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."(Randy, 8)
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
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Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)1. Elementary map reading2. Crying and law enforcement3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")13. How to earn your own money14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy20. His best friend can be yours too21. His poker games: Deal yourself out22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)1. Combatting stupidity2. You too can do housework3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut4. How to fill an ice tray5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception9. Get a life; learn to cook10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong11. Spelling: Even you can get it right12. Understanding your financial incompetence13. You: The weaker sex14. Reasons to give flowers15. How to stay awake in public16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower20. I'll wear it if I damn well please21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home30. You too can be a designated driver31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")32. Changing your underwear: It really works33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M."That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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For Chocolate Lovers:If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
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Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."And Sarah says, "Can you just jack off? I have a headache!"
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Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... "Burger King"25... "Free meal"35... "A diamond"48... "A bigger diamond"66... "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the CatWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17... 17 25... 2535... 3548... 4866... 66IDEAL DATE17... He offers to pay25... He pays35... He cooks breakfast the next morning48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66... He can chew breakfast~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men's Lifestyles Through the AgesDRINK at age...17... Beer25... Beer35... Scotch48... Double scotch66... MaaloxSEDUCTION LINE at age...17... My parents are away for the weekend. 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48... My wife is away for the weekend.66... My second wife is dead.FAVORITE SPORT at age...17... Sex25... Sex35... Sex48... Sex66... NappingFAVORITE DRUG at age...17... Pot25... Cocaine35... Really good cocaine48... Power66... AdvilDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age... 17... Cop a feel25... Breakfast35... She didn't set back my therapy 48... I didn't bump into her kids.66... An actual erectionFAVORITE FANTASY at age...17... Thirdbase25... Airplane sex35... Menage a trois48... Taking her company public66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slaveHOUSE PET at age...17... Roaches (to be burned later)25... Old college roommate35... Irish setter48... Children from her first marriage 66... BarbiTHE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age... 17... 2525... 3535... 4848... 6666... 17IDEAL DATE at age...17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25... Split the check before we go back to my place 35... Just come over48... Just come over and cook66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
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-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt.-Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.-Why are most brunettes flat-chested? It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.-Why is the color brunette considered evil? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?-How can you tell a brunette is lonely ? Check her for a pulse.-What is the most frustrated animal in the world? A brunette rabbit.-Why do brunettes wear training bras? It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.-Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls? Parents felt the dandruffmight be contagious.-How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair? With a rake.-Why don't brunettes get breast implants? They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.-Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.-What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.-Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? From their underarms.-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?Startled.-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage.-How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color? By studying what oilspills did to seaweed.-What's the difference between a brunette and the trash? At least the trash gets taken out once a week.-What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.-Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.-What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? 'What part of *yes* don't you understand?'
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A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?""After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.""If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?""We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?""Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
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Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on hergood side. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass. Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, andthigh! Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on theother side to get her through. Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a watertower. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real. Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I couldeat a horse!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!" Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!" Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!" Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher a dinosaur. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher the key to the store. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper,they gave her the sign. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as thescreen. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at theradio station. Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motionmachine. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of themilk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on themilk truck. Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she'sgliding across the floor. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load. Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearingropes. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F,G-String. Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on thewater. Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master. Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by acontractor. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back inbed. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, thedoctor gave her 5 years to live. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar. Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall! Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames. Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7,and 8. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through thewall. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelledsomething burning. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds. Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lightswent on. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks"Where can I try that on?" Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits. Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her buttcheeks. Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line. Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon. Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast isclear." Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on otherside." Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon. Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached herwaist they spelled "BouleVarD." Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," shegot the part as the big rolling ball. Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay." Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said"Sorry, we don't do curtains." Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate. Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to rolloff, I was still on her. Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his wordfor it! Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, shecouldn't identify them. Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham. Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as aChevy. Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light shestarts eating. Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow. Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like"What ya'll eating? I'll try it!" Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food sheate it. Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not loseweight. Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it. Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on. Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on thelightbulb. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up asofa. Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 poundtest! Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes. Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through herbelt loops. Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator. Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code. Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome backparty. Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I wasstill on top of the bitch. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get groupinsurance! Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was afloat. Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount. Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone. Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she wasan oil spill. Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back andsaid "I'll wait my turn." Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense. Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn." Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs. Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wetspot. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out. Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out. Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck. Yo mama's so fat, I tried to fuck her doggy style but I was just ridin'piggy back. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Getthe fuck off." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Fuck it,they don't pay me enough!" Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, wedon't do livestock." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please stepout of the car." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number. Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued." Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time,please." Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit. Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take theburro ride down. Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back. Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat. Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as anew world. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket. Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years. Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on theRichter scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "ThankYou, Come Again." Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs. Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost. Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimmingpool. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub. Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub. Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, andoh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' EnglishMuffin. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket shewanted, she said the one on the roof. Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets. Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks. Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds. Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her ass. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun. Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her. Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozonelayer. Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her upwith Detroit. Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA,he'd seen her too. Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for aweek. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Breakit up!" Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears. Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen. Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just saidH d. Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat. Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. ofgravy. Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks. Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes. Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider. Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells"Earthquake!" Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hipssaying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass." Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutesof your show. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig isthe door. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95. Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check. Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, peoplewalked by and said "Look at the elephant!" Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn"sign. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic. Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World. Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on. Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "Weare family!" Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ridethe wave in. Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up mustcome down, except Yo mama." Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn. Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backingup. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy,Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac. Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets. Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down. Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store isthe dressing rooms. Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleeptrying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks. Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eatbuffet. Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet. Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND thehouse. Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead. Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at thesame time. Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747. Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a blackhole. Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show. Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry. Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her. Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled"Hey! Stop that Twinkie." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-AidMan." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its theschool bus. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, coverher feet like a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag herass back in the water. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanketacross Lake Michigan. Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out. Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house thetires pop. Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling. Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!" Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's. Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to fuck her I didn't know if I was hittingthe hole or a roll. Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to fuck her he had to peel too many fatrolls and said "Fuck It." Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out. Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting hergot lost in her. Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought itwas American Airlines biggest jet. Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet. Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair ofshoes. Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three secondswithout getting called for a key violation. Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts. Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees. Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...peoplesay "I didn't know we had mountains." Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested. Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho." Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate,she got blue prints. Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo. Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if shewas walking or rolling. Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landingon her back. Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide. Yo mama's so big, she reached in her pocket and handed me a CD, a CompactDishwasher. Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burntfrom re-entry. Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One sizefits most" Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to flythey stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes thetide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juicebox because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of thepool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted tomakeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" andshe said "What... does.... yield... mean?" Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was makinga booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yourhouse. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behindit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on theother side. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting. Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey. Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to saygo. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she askedif I had anything written by Bart. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building,but she got lost on the way down. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of thebasement window. Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and"Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bakesale. Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, shesaid "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be abranch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she wasdoing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and shestarted ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster. Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her allday to get Yo family out. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the topdown. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin andthrew it back. Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for theseason." Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, shedrove through the window. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eatfor food." Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobilehome. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on thefloor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in mymouth?" Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order. Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take theKleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked whatcolors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked hertwo front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into anenvelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin'"Free Lays!" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone orderedsmall fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough toblow her nose. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power aflea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop. Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went andgot toilet paper. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, shesaid "Ok, but what's the teams?" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said"Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long sheslept. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me DanMarino. Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved todeath. Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd getchange. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard therewas change in the weather. Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rdgrade. Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if Igave her two guesses. Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had threeguesses. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him newones. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fishwith. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the postoffice. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said"I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put"Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling. Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun thatgets paid. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she gotmugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M,F, and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not writebelow the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - sheput Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer becausethere's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts ofwater in the bix. Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in herears. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelledMACY's wrong." Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contactshe put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it soundslike this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guessand she said "Ah Levis?" Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y shesaid "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off. Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because shecouldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yomama's..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there'sHarry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece ofwood. Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" becauseshe couldn't read. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearviewmirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign,she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ranoutside with a spoon. Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd helphis unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around thehome, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishingrod. Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven'tseen the bitch since. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of aclean glass. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door. Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911". Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner andshe went looking for it. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holidayalbum. Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows athome. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves foryour car. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on herfoot. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a TacoBell commercial. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephonebill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said"Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for agumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing awayall the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs. Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her nameshe said "I think I'll take the physical challenge." Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, noprofessionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks backshaking it's head. Yo mama's so ugly, when the terminator said "I'll be back" he left running.Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from thecondom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a track cleat. Yo mama's so ugly, she's uugly. I had to add another u `cause u is uglytoo! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells herto get out. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful ofpardons. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, Ipinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What thefuck?!?!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighborschipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, roaches go "Hi mom!" Yo mama's so ugly, she hurt my feelings. Yo mama's so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night. Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, people make jokes about her. Yo mama's so ugly, I can't even make a joke out of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it everytime. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit withthe ugly log. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran throughthe whole damn forest. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.Yo mama's so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn uglytree! Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get thedog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog stillwouldn't play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dogbiscuits. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radiosdon't get stolen. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with ajob application. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks forbringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how'dyou get out so fast." Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't come back in. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell they said "There's nothingordinary about it!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went camping, the park ranger was like "HeyYogi!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position and its still doggystyle. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off ofit. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her formooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herselfin the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a flavor da bitch would be oogalicious. Yo mama's so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has fourbig toes. Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yardgym. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birthcontrol! Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control. Yo mama's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on water to get a drink. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with apaycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare Cujo off a meat truck. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels. Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she masterbates she gets arrested for cruelty toanimals. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she scares roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keepbreaking. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise.Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be thedream team. Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have tokiss her good-bye. Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bagson her head in case one of them breaks. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd ratherkiss her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What atreasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on thecouch face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and herparents. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked everyone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then herface, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her face. Yo mama's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.Yo mama's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.Yo mama's so ugly, your real pops could only be a fuckin' dog. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hitby a train. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled"rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull. Yo mama?s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she?d get the electric chair.Yo mama's so ugly, she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it. Yo mama's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out forStar Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her facestopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picturewould be next to it. Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty. Yo mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to buryher. Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on thetable and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off thesurveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator withtinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said"Twins." Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, you could stick her face in dough and make monstercookies. Yo mama's so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangeredelephant. Yo mama's so damn ugly and desperate, she did Winnie the Pooh and Tigertoo. Yo mama's such an ugly bitch, she has a sign in her yard that says "Bewareof Dog." Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with aslingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, she can stand on the front porch and count the chickensin the back. When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can causedoctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone's. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book. Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, when the police asked her for her ID, she gave them arock. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on theBlock. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo mama's so old, she owes Moses a quarter. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flickthe switch. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other sidefishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, her birthday expired. Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs. Yo mama's so old, she got slapped by Eve for blowing Adam. Yo mama's so old, she took friendship pictures with Adam & Eve. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade. Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. Yo mama's so old & ugly, her name is Ape. Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started tofight. Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so old, she watches PBS. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus. Yo mama's so old, she's got a pair of Air Moses sneakers. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her tits fell off. Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles. Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles. Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws aright, a right, and another right." Yo mama has so many fat rolls that she has to screw her pants on. Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand. Yo mama has 3 eyes and they call her "Eye-eye-eye." Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo mama's has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers. Yo mama has a `fro with landing lights. Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo mama has a moustache and they call her Bob. Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo mama has no legs, no arms, and no eyes but she's still the one for me.Yo mama has no arms and bought a vest. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Drill-Bit. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Chopper One. Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. Yo mama has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out aSugar Daddy. Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper. Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo mama has so much hair on her chest, her tits look like coconuts. Yo mama has so much dandruff, a fly landed on her head and said "Damn, Ihaven't seen this much snow in years." Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like itsthrowin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue isin jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardwarestore. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe thatshit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dentalinsurance. When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kicka field goal. Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns intolemonade. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testingbutter scotch. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he toldher to smile. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybodysaid "I see the light!" Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it wascorn. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the YellowBrick Road. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in hermouth. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a KraftSingles pack. Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavitycreeps. Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr.Ed. Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed itto death. Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give mea bite." Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.Yo mama's so black, every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on. Yo mama's so black, if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn intocoffee. Yo mama's so black, she bleeds smoke. Yo mama's so black, she could show up naked to a funeral. Yo mama's so black, when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like acheese burger. Yo mama's so black, she drinks water and pees coffee. Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires. Yo mama's so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo mama's so black, she makes night look like day. Yo mama's so black, she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars.Yo mama's so black, when she goes outside street lights turn on. Yo mama's so black, she got her tattoo done in chalk. Yo mama's so black, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime. Yo mama's so black, when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she hason patent leather pants. Yo mama's so black, when the police shot at her the bullets came back forflashlights. Yo mama's so black, when you go swimming it looks like an oil spill. Yo mama's so black, when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear whitegloves to keep from chewing her fingers off. Yo mama's so black, if she had a red light she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tintedwindows. Yo mama's so black, when she smiles at night she looks like floatingChicklets. Yo mama's so black, when she spits, ink comes out her mouth. Yo mama's so black, if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, her nickname is evening. Yo mama's so black, she makes asphalt look grey. Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo.Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if thatrubber breaks, your ass is dead. Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents youcan get a slurpy. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she getsdumped. Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. Yo mama's like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, fast, easy and free! Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, balls are always popping out of her mouth. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, I can always put my balls in her mouth. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eather. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on anystreet corner. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, andguys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Discover card, she gives cash back. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn herup, down, on, and off. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. Yo mama's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit threefingers in. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. Yo mama's like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown downthe gutter, and she still comes back for more. Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a fan, she's always blowing someone. Yo mama's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobodycan remember all the fathers. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like Blockbuster Video, everyone goes home happy. Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send heraway. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laidby Mexicans. Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Yo mama's like a shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a f
Miscellaneous

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he couldoutdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun ofone of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had hadenough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said."I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow overto that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.Then, nodding to the young man, he said..."All right. Get in."!
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One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some busheswith a gun.The masked man said "Give me all your money!"Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm thePresident!" The man then replied,..."Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
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A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
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Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
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*25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!*1) I'll swallow it all...I love the taste! 2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12) I'll be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or8. 23) You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings. 24) If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!
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"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers."The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars."When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -- Everett Dirksen"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste""If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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Business Rules to Live ByIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.Following the rules will not get the job done.Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"No matter how much you do, you never do enough.The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light districtuntil he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "TheHooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a littleinterested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetimeexperience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind thecounter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" hesays."Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousanddollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's hiswallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to alittle room in the back of the house and when he opens the room...there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it...three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking ofthe night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimpanother thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to thatlittle dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before,she lies there waiting.But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something iswrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says afterwhich she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can onlysuck out a boil like that once!".
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THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEMFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something shedislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doingsomething she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add thedecorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpledsheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out asuspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise andit's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it'ssomething....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's herfather...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace thetoilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll isbarren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out youshuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 Youstay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegedrinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6Tiffany has implants...-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out todinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it'sall-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of yourfavorite team...-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forgetyour anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the busstation...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouringrain dissolves her leg cast...-60A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal ishappily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives aMustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You misscurfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoyingfriend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie shelikes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to amovie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said itwas a foreign film about orphans...-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy herflowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give herwildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contractsLyme disease...-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop anoticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You developa noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiianshirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have onetoo"....-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized modelairplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mothertell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end upgetting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end upgetting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad partof town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You knowthem...-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitivequestions always start with a deficit) You hesitate inresponding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wantsto talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for morethan 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this isbecause you've fallen asleep...-20
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A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase ManhattanBank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young manat the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in thebag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to theamount of money involved.The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and afteropening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills whichamounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretaryto obtain an appointment for the lady.The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president'soffice. Introductions were made and she stated that she would liketo get to know the people she did business with on a more personallevel. The bank president then asked her where she came into such alarge amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." sheanswered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." shereplied.He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little oldlady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "Youbet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." shereplied, "I bet people."Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on differentthings with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll betyou $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will besquare."The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided totake her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For therest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided tostay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked tomake sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he lookedthe same as he always had. He went to work and waited for thelittle old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. Heknew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little oldlady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When heinquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed himthat he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there wasthis much money involved."Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tellyou this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only$25,000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested thatshe be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this wasreasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend overand then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing acrossthe room banging his head against the wall."What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bethim $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have thepresident of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
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