Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife. Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear ?" Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God !" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed !"
Relationships

|A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening."I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Blonde Jokes

|Thoughts and stories from on the jobMy boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free." This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too". Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?" People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death". Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it. Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers. Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.
Job/Office Jokes

|August, 1998, Montevideo, UruguayPaolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
Dumb Jokes

A blonde reports for his University's final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"
Miscellaneous

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.""To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.""When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.""Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.""There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.""Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.""Blood flows down one leg and up the other.""Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.""Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.""A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.""Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.""The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.""The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.""A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.""The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.""A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.""Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.""Germinate: To become a naturalized German.""Liter: A nest of young puppies.""Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.""Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.""Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.""Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.""Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.""Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.""For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.""For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.""For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.""To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.""When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.""To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.""The parts of speech are lungs and air.""The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.""A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.""A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.""The general direction of the Alps is straight up.""A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.""Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.""The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.""The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.""We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.""One of the main causes of dust is janitors.""A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.""The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.""The climate is hottest next to the Creator.""Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.""The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.""In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.""Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.""In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.""One by-product of raising cattle is calves.""Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
Miscellaneous

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.7. Plagiarism saves time.8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.13. We waste time so you don't have to.14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.19. Succeed in spite of management.20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Miscellaneous

Science definitions from Kids...H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.Germinate: to become a naturalized German.Liter: a nest of young puppies.Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Miscellaneous

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.1. How did you find out about God?__ Newspaper __ Other Book__ Television __ Divine Inspiration__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience__ Bible __ Other__ Torah (specify): _____________2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.__ Tarot __ Lottery__ Horoscope __ Television__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers__ Self-help books __ Sex__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs__ Mantras __ Other: ________________________________________ Insurance policies __ None3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?a. More Divine Interventionb. Less Divine Interventionc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just rightd. Don't know4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 55. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).
Miscellaneous

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
Miscellaneous

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers!"
Miscellaneous