A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths arethose?""Well," she explained. "One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Sex Jokes

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself."He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education."Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,"Where did you get your financial education?""Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale.""That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!""Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."
At Work

One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she drawsa penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back ofthe room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has twoof them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"DirtyJohnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sittersteeth."
Children

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."
Children

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Children

State of Arkansas Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Ethnic

The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:Can I help you?Kin ah hip ewe?Hi, I'm Don Fowler.Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i.For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics andBubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement inBubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.I axed you a question, sukka.Ah be smaht.I be smarts now.Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school.And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.
Ethnic

Why don't Mexicans teach driver's Ed. and Sex Education on the same day? Because they don't want to wear out the donkey.
Ethnic

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who onSabbath eve announces to the congregation that he willnot renew his contract and is moving on to a largercongregation that will pay him more.There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands upand announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him witha new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds.Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of hischildren!!"More sighs and applause.Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,whatever possessed you to say that?"Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what wecould contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,'Fuck the rabbi.'"
Ethnic

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
Relationships

Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony.
Religion

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone getalong, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep ournation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-freeliberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try onemore time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for theterminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinkobedwetters.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people wereconfused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any otherform of wealth.More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeinganything.You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based onfreedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leavethe room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the worldis full of idiots, and probably always will be.You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriverin your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturerto make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the mostcharitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but weare quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation ofprofessional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation ofanother generation of professional couch potatoes.You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but fromthe looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest ofus get together and kill you.You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprisedif the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you stillwon't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives inforeign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governmentsand won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spendso much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a militaryuniform and a funny hat.You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to takeadvantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laidbefore you to make yourself useful.You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that youhave the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easierif you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created bythose around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper napper@felix.TECLink.Net
Politics

American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade?LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable.DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A.MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.
School

Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
School

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.The following may be the reason why.A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
School

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
School

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night timeexcersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation."Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."I asked, "What's the diffrence??"He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
War

|An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Lawyer Jokes

|Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
Business Jokes

|An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Business Jokes

|Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?""Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
Business Jokes

|We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
Ethnical Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 16, 1993In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.
Real Jokes

|SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered: General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic") GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half") HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?") Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too") IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
Gender Jokes

|Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. "Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Gender Jokes

|How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What's tennis players favourite city?Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion! Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner's favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies! What does a footballer and a magician have in common?Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!
Sport Jokes

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong."Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "Oh yeah? What's the problem?""When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
Miscellaneous

|These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Job/Office Jokes

|Announcement:It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).Invitations:Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'."Proper attire:For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.The ceremony:No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.Reception:Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!Common wedding questions and answersQ: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?A: Not if you are the groom.Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?A: At least one within a week of the wedding.Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
Marriage Jokes

|Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them. The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30. Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien) A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno) Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher) Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena. Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee. And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
Dumb Jokes

|The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.Then she inquired what I did for a living.I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Mom/Dad Jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance." Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera." While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring." At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions." SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."
Miscellaneous

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?' The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.' St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.' St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'
Miscellaneous

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) ATT announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them. The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30. Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien) A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno) Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher) Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena. Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee. And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M+M's in alphabetical order! Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread. Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo Mama Jokes

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving,she blames the restaurant.If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames the tobacco company.If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,you blame the government for not providing clean ones.If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Miscellaneous

Last name: _________________First name:(Check appropriate box)[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ______ (if unsure, guess) Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right Occupation:[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name_________________________2nd Spouse's Name: _________________3rd Spouse's Name: _________________ Lover's Name: ________________________2nd Lover's Name: ___________________ Relationship to spouse:[_] Sister [_] Aunt[_] Brother [_] Uncle[_] Mother [_] Son[_] Father [_] Daughter[_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: _____Number of children living in shed: _____Number that are yours: _____ Mother's Name: ___________________Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?___ Total number of vehicles that you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Where your firearms are kept:[_] truck [_] kitchen[_] bedroom [_] bathroom[_] shed Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_ Do you have a gun rack?[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:_____________________ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe:[_] Weekly[_] Monthly[_] Not applicable Color of teeth:[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown [_] Black[_] N/A How many?_____ Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?[_] 200-400 miles[_] over 400 miles[_] what's a miles?
Miscellaneous

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.MEMORANDUMTO: All EmployeesFROM: Communications ServicesSUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAININGIn order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.Thank You.Boss in GeneralSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
Miscellaneous

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy."Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk."It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied...."Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
Miscellaneous

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:Last name: _______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-JackWhat does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________Age:____ (if unsure,guess)Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sureShoe size:____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)PreacherSpouse's Name:_____________2nd Spouse's Name:_______________3rd Spouse's Name:_______________Lover's Name:_______________Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)PetNumber of children living in the home:_____Number of the children living in the shed:_____Number that are yours:_____Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)(Check appropriate box)Total number of vehicles you own:___Number of vehicles that still crank:___Number of vehicles in front yard:___Number of vehicles in the back yard:___Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___Firearms you own and where you keep them:____truck____bedroom____bathroom____kitchen____shedModel and year of your pickup:196_Do you have a gun rack?(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:(_)The National Enquirer(_)The Globe(_)TV Guide(_)Soap Opera Digest(_)Rifle and ShotgunNumber of times you've seen a UFO:_____Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____How often do you bathe?(_)Weekly(_)Monthly(_)Not ApplicableColor of eyes: Left_____ Right_____Color of hair:(_)Blond(_)Black(_)Red(_)Brown(_)White(_)ClairolColor of teeth:(_)White(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:(_)Red-ManHow far is your home from a paved road?(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler(_)road?
Miscellaneous

Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive I will not carve gods.I will not spank others.I will not aim for the head.I will not barf unless I'm sick.I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills.Funny noises are not funny.I will not snap bras.I will not fake seizures.This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death.I will not defame New Orleans.I will not prescribe medication.I will not bury the new kid.I will not teach others to fly.I will not bring sheep to class.A burp is not an answer.Teacher is not a leper.Coffee is not for kids.I will not eat things for money.I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce.Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures.I will return the seeing-eye dog.I do not have diplomatic immunity.I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy.The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy.Organ transplants are best left to professionals.The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.I will not waste chalk.I will not skateboard in the halls.I will not instigate revolution.I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis.I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny.They are laughing at me, not with me.I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly.I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything.I will not Xerox my butt.It's potato, not potatoe.I will not trade pants with others.I am not a 32 year old woman.I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car.I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property.I will not burp in class.I will not cut corners.I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem.I will not sell land in Florida.I will not grease the monkey bars.I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again.I will not show off.I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist.Spitwads are not free speech.Nobody likes sunburn slappers.High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner.I will not squeak chalk.I will finish what I sta"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Miscellaneous

Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door. Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat. Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate. Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.Yo mama so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler".Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's.Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, "These walls ain't green!!"Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said what's new!Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said "WET FLOOR", So she did.Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow.Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job.Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.Q: What did One gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.Q. What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day.Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope.Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
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A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.She responded:My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!
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Q.- NAME:A.- Iam ApplyinQ.- DESIRED POSITION:A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.Q.- DESIRED SALARY:A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.Q.- EDUCATION:A.- Yes.Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:A.- Target for middle-management hostility.Q.- SALARY:A.- Less than I'm worth.Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:A.- It sucked.Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:A.- Any.Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:A.- If I had one, would I be here?Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:A.- Of what?Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?:A.- Only when set on fire.Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE:Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
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A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.
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The Heavy ThinkerIt started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking...""I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!""But Honey, surely it's not that serious.""It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!""That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
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REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous.--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.Couldn't work under those conditions.REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.PERSONAL INTERESTS:--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.--I'm a rabid typist.--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
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GeekonicsBy John WoestendiekPhiladelphia InquirerWed., January 8, 1997NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language.The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language."This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics."No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity."Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers,engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.HELPING THE TRANSITIONWhile schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing through their veins."Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said.The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say. Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right direction."This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added.THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE"Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this. We could be fartin' thru silk perty soon."Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics ? including Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of the decision.Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms.Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics as an official language."I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or a black computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot -- RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But dey keep talkin' anyway. 'Sup wif dat?"Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity.Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language.
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As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT)phase.CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SHIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SHIT than any other service.If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander.
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Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:Dept Of Statistics:All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.Dept Of Psychology:Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.Dept Of History:All students get the same grade they got last year.Dept Of Religion:Grade is determined by God.Dept Of Philosophy:What is a grade?Law School:Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.Dept Of Mathematics:Grades are variable.Dept Of Logic:If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.Dept Of Computer Science:Random number generator determines grade.Music Department:Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and - would be sharp and flat respectively).Dept Of Physical Education:Everybody gets an A
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Etiquette and Behavior:EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother'sEB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is RightEB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed CompanyEB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your MotherEB106: How To Act Younger Than Your MotherEB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not NecessaryGeneral Electives:GE101: You, The Whining SexGE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every WeekendGE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not SynonymousGE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The MostGE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of MenHome Economics:HE101: You Can Change The Oil TooHE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer MugHE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch FootballHE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His SlopHE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders YourselfHE106: How To Close The Garage DoorHE107: How To Close The Top On The ToothpasteHE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking OneHE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group ActivityHE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")Interpersonal Relationships:IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male DrunkennessIR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An ExplanationIR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And ConversationIR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of DivorceLife Skills:LS101: Combatting The Impulse To NagLS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss AroundLS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It RightLS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial ResponsibilityLS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 HoursLS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch PneumoniaLS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A CrankLS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By HimselfLS109: You Too Can Carry A BackpackLS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your BrainLS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops MovingLS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After MenopauseLS113: How To Parallel ParkSex Education:SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your ManSE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 MinutesSE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The BedroomSE104: How To Say "Yes" More OftenSE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On GivingSE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
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Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...A child will not spill on a dirty floor.A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.A young child is a noise with dirt on it.A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.Celibacy is not hereditary.Familiarity breeds children.For adult education, nothing beats children.God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.Having children will turn you into your parents.If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma BombeckOne child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.The best thing to spend on your children is time.The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
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My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.What were you thinking of? "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own! You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded! Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why. You're grounded. Just do it, or else.Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!(at dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinnerONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll understand.Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer. "Hey" is for horses. If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with. Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all. Let me kiss it and make it better.[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!Carrots are good for your eyes. But Popeye eats all his spinach!Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!Eat all your dinner or no dessert. You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!! Go to your room and don't come out until I say so. I'm very disappointed in you.I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it. Kootchie coo! Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good! Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks. Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH! Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with friends present)(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)Sit up straight.I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween? Eat your beets. Of course you're going to church. You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain. Stop slouching.If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely. Do you know what happened to all the cookies? Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes! I don't know how you can read/watch that trash. In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody. Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm! The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you! You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him! If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya! Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes. (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.) I'll tuck you in in just a second. Stop running in the house! Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess! Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)Hang up your clothes! Your father is a busy man. Take out the trash. What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for?? Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street. Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store. Say You're sorry. Put it back. Put that down. Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail. Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good! When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents. Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you. What's for dinner? - It's a surprise! Why didn't you go before we got in the car? I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one! No, and that's final! One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble. Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute. I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how. Stop bugging your little sister. What do you say? What's the magic word? Say "excuse me".Eat your peas. There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)Half begun is half done. Don't lie to me young man/lady!Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen!(Moral: don't ask!)That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one. Purple's not your color, you look sallow.Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like a Yeti.Stand up straight and stop slouching. A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Save a lot, spend a little. Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out. We worried sick! What will the neighbours think? What did you DO until 4 AM?" Is having a good time all you think about? You're no child of mine!!! Well...What seems to be the problem with you? I'm really worried about your grades! I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it! There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you! Where did we go wrong? keep doing that and you'll go blind! "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!" Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed! You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body! I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't. This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen! Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here! Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you??? I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities) Are you really going to wear that? I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them. Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes. You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd *never* thought of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)It's always fun until somebody gets hurt. You kid, whatever your name is!The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window. Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF! I hate computers. Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by. You did WHAT! "Go tell your father he wants you now."[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....] "Okay, only wash one of them"[In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."There'll be tears before bedtime! You'll have your eye out with that! When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will. How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. Good children always obey. Are you lying, or are you just stupid? Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. [as I break into a Cure tune...] If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you." [variation: "Because I'm the Dad/Mom."] Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. In my day we didn't have money to throw around.We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.Does it look like I'm made of money? Money doesn't grow on trees you know.You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over it, it's hanging out so far.If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.That's not music; that's just NOISE! "Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."Because you are taller than me. I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!
Miscellaneous

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.Her comments were as follows,"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; Those who can't...teach.'My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing."The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!"
Miscellaneous

Redneck Driver's License Application...Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.Last name: ________________First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th gradeDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksAge you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshopModel and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not ApplicableHow many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] SkoalHow far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
Miscellaneous

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on hergood side. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass. Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, andthigh! Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on theother side to get her through. Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a watertower. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real. Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I couldeat a horse!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!" Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!" Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!" Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher a dinosaur. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher the key to the store. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper,they gave her the sign. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as thescreen. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at theradio station. Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motionmachine. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of themilk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on themilk truck. Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she'sgliding across the floor. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load. Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearingropes. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F,G-String. Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on thewater. Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master. Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by acontractor. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back inbed. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, thedoctor gave her 5 years to live. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar. Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall! Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames. Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7,and 8. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through thewall. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelledsomething burning. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds. Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lightswent on. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks"Where can I try that on?" Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits. Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her buttcheeks. Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line. Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon. Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast isclear." Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on otherside." Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon. Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached herwaist they spelled "BouleVarD." Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," shegot the part as the big rolling ball. Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay." Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said"Sorry, we don't do curtains." Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate. Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to rolloff, I was still on her. Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his wordfor it! Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, shecouldn't identify them. Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham. Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as aChevy. Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light shestarts eating. Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow. Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like"What ya'll eating? I'll try it!" Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food sheate it. Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not loseweight. Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it. Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on. Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on thelightbulb. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up asofa. Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 poundtest! Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes. Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through herbelt loops. Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator. Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code. Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome backparty. Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I wasstill on top of the bitch. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get groupinsurance! Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was afloat. Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount. Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone. Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she wasan oil spill. Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back andsaid "I'll wait my turn." Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense. Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn." Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs. Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wetspot. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out. Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out. Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck. Yo mama's so fat, I tried to fuck her doggy style but I was just ridin'piggy back. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Getthe fuck off." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Fuck it,they don't pay me enough!" Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, wedon't do livestock." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please stepout of the car." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number. Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued." Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time,please." Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit. Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take theburro ride down. Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back. Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat. Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as anew world. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket. Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years. Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on theRichter scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "ThankYou, Come Again." Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs. Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost. Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimmingpool. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub. Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub. Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, andoh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' EnglishMuffin. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket shewanted, she said the one on the roof. Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets. Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks. Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds. Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her ass. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun. Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her. Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozonelayer. Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her upwith Detroit. Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA,he'd seen her too. Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for aweek. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Breakit up!" Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears. Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen. Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just saidH d. Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat. Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. ofgravy. Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks. Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes. Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider. Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells"Earthquake!" Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hipssaying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass." Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutesof your show. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig isthe door. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95. Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check. Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, peoplewalked by and said "Look at the elephant!" Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn"sign. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic. Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World. Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on. Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "Weare family!" Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ridethe wave in. Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up mustcome down, except Yo mama." Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn. Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backingup. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy,Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac. Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets. Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down. Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store isthe dressing rooms. Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleeptrying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks. Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eatbuffet. Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet. Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND thehouse. Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead. Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at thesame time. Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747. Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a blackhole. Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show. Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry. Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her. Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled"Hey! Stop that Twinkie." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-AidMan." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its theschool bus. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, coverher feet like a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag herass back in the water. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanketacross Lake Michigan. Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out. Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house thetires pop. Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling. Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!" Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's. Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to fuck her I didn't know if I was hittingthe hole or a roll. Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to fuck her he had to peel too many fatrolls and said "Fuck It." Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out. Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting hergot lost in her. Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought itwas American Airlines biggest jet. Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet. Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair ofshoes. Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three secondswithout getting called for a key violation. Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts. Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees. Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...peoplesay "I didn't know we had mountains." Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested. Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho." Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate,she got blue prints. Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo. Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if shewas walking or rolling. Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landingon her back. Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide. Yo mama's so big, she reached in her pocket and handed me a CD, a CompactDishwasher. Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burntfrom re-entry. Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One sizefits most" Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to flythey stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes thetide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juicebox because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of thepool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted tomakeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" andshe said "What... does.... yield... mean?" Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was makinga booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yourhouse. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behindit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on theother side. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting. Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey. Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to saygo. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she askedif I had anything written by Bart. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building,but she got lost on the way down. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of thebasement window. Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and"Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bakesale. Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, shesaid "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be abranch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she wasdoing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and shestarted ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster. Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her allday to get Yo family out. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the topdown. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin andthrew it back. Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for theseason." Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, shedrove through the window. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eatfor food." Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobilehome. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on thefloor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in mymouth?" Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order. Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take theKleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked whatcolors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked hertwo front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into anenvelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin'"Free Lays!" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone orderedsmall fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough toblow her nose. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power aflea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop. Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went andgot toilet paper. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, shesaid "Ok, but what's the teams?" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said"Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long sheslept. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me DanMarino. Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved todeath. Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd getchange. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard therewas change in the weather. Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rdgrade. Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if Igave her two guesses. Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had threeguesses. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him newones. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fishwith. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the postoffice. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said"I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put"Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling. Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun thatgets paid. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she gotmugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M,F, and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not writebelow the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - sheput Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer becausethere's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts ofwater in the bix. Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in herears. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelledMACY's wrong." Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contactshe put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it soundslike this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guessand she said "Ah Levis?" Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y shesaid "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off. Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because shecouldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yomama's..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there'sHarry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece ofwood. Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" becauseshe couldn't read. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearviewmirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign,she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ranoutside with a spoon. Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd helphis unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around thehome, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishingrod. Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven'tseen the bitch since. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of aclean glass. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door. Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911". Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner andshe went looking for it. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holidayalbum. Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows athome. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves foryour car. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on herfoot. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a TacoBell commercial. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephonebill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said"Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for agumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing awayall the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs. Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her nameshe said "I think I'll take the physical challenge." Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, noprofessionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks backshaking it's head. Yo mama's so ugly, when the terminator said "I'll be back" he left running.Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from thecondom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a track cleat. Yo mama's so ugly, she's uugly. I had to add another u `cause u is uglytoo! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells herto get out. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful ofpardons. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, Ipinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What thefuck?!?!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighborschipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, roaches go "Hi mom!" Yo mama's so ugly, she hurt my feelings. Yo mama's so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night. Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, people make jokes about her. Yo mama's so ugly, I can't even make a joke out of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it everytime. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit withthe ugly log. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran throughthe whole damn forest. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.Yo mama's so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn uglytree! Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get thedog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog stillwouldn't play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dogbiscuits. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radiosdon't get stolen. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with ajob application. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks forbringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how'dyou get out so fast." Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't come back in. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell they said "There's nothingordinary about it!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went camping, the park ranger was like "HeyYogi!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position and its still doggystyle. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off ofit. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her formooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herselfin the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a flavor da bitch would be oogalicious. Yo mama's so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has fourbig toes. Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yardgym. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birthcontrol! Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control. Yo mama's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on water to get a drink. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with apaycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare Cujo off a meat truck. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels. Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she masterbates she gets arrested for cruelty toanimals. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she scares roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keepbreaking. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise.Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be thedream team. Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have tokiss her good-bye. Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bagson her head in case one of them breaks. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd ratherkiss her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What atreasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on thecouch face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and herparents. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked everyone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then herface, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her face. Yo mama's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.Yo mama's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.Yo mama's so ugly, your real pops could only be a fuckin' dog. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hitby a train. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled"rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull. Yo mama?s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she?d get the electric chair.Yo mama's so ugly, she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it. Yo mama's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out forStar Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her facestopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picturewould be next to it. Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty. Yo mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to buryher. Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on thetable and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off thesurveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator withtinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said"Twins." Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, you could stick her face in dough and make monstercookies. Yo mama's so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangeredelephant. Yo mama's so damn ugly and desperate, she did Winnie the Pooh and Tigertoo. Yo mama's such an ugly bitch, she has a sign in her yard that says "Bewareof Dog." Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with aslingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, she can stand on the front porch and count the chickensin the back. When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can causedoctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone's. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book. Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, when the police asked her for her ID, she gave them arock. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on theBlock. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo mama's so old, she owes Moses a quarter. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flickthe switch. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other sidefishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, her birthday expired. Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs. Yo mama's so old, she got slapped by Eve for blowing Adam. Yo mama's so old, she took friendship pictures with Adam & Eve. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade. Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. Yo mama's so old & ugly, her name is Ape. Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started tofight. Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so old, she watches PBS. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus. Yo mama's so old, she's got a pair of Air Moses sneakers. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her tits fell off. Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles. Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles. Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws aright, a right, and another right." Yo mama has so many fat rolls that she has to screw her pants on. Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand. Yo mama has 3 eyes and they call her "Eye-eye-eye." Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo mama's has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers. Yo mama has a `fro with landing lights. Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo mama has a moustache and they call her Bob. Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo mama has no legs, no arms, and no eyes but she's still the one for me.Yo mama has no arms and bought a vest. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Drill-Bit. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Chopper One. Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. Yo mama has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out aSugar Daddy. Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper. Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo mama has so much hair on her chest, her tits look like coconuts. Yo mama has so much dandruff, a fly landed on her head and said "Damn, Ihaven't seen this much snow in years." Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like itsthrowin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue isin jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardwarestore. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe thatshit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dentalinsurance. When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kicka field goal. Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns intolemonade. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testingbutter scotch. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he toldher to smile. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybodysaid "I see the light!" Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it wascorn. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the YellowBrick Road. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in hermouth. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a KraftSingles pack. Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavitycreeps. Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr.Ed. Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed itto death. Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give mea bite." Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.Yo mama's so black, every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on. Yo mama's so black, if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn intocoffee. Yo mama's so black, she bleeds smoke. Yo mama's so black, she could show up naked to a funeral. Yo mama's so black, when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like acheese burger. Yo mama's so black, she drinks water and pees coffee. Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires. Yo mama's so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo mama's so black, she makes night look like day. Yo mama's so black, she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars.Yo mama's so black, when she goes outside street lights turn on. Yo mama's so black, she got her tattoo done in chalk. Yo mama's so black, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime. Yo mama's so black, when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she hason patent leather pants. Yo mama's so black, when the police shot at her the bullets came back forflashlights. Yo mama's so black, when you go swimming it looks like an oil spill. Yo mama's so black, when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear whitegloves to keep from chewing her fingers off. Yo mama's so black, if she had a red light she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tintedwindows. Yo mama's so black, when she smiles at night she looks like floatingChicklets. Yo mama's so black, when she spits, ink comes out her mouth. Yo mama's so black, if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, her nickname is evening. Yo mama's so black, she makes asphalt look grey. Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo.Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if thatrubber breaks, your ass is dead. Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents youcan get a slurpy. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she getsdumped. Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. Yo mama's like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, fast, easy and free! Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, balls are always popping out of her mouth. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, I can always put my balls in her mouth. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eather. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on anystreet corner. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, andguys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Discover card, she gives cash back. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn herup, down, on, and off. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. Yo mama's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit threefingers in. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. Yo mama's like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown downthe gutter, and she still comes back for more. Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a fan, she's always blowing someone. Yo mama's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobodycan remember all the fathers. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like Blockbuster Video, everyone goes home happy. Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send heraway. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laidby Mexicans. Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Yo mama's like a shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a f
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