When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."
Christmas Jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. __________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. __________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Lawyer Jokes

A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven. Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic. "The old fool," she thought, "I knew I should have left them in the basement!"
Lawyer Jokes

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that."The first guy says, "I want a million dollars." The genie says, "Are you sure?" He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.The second guy says "I want a new car." The genie says, "A lawyer is getting two new cars then." The guy says, "Oh well. I want my car." *poof* He has a new porche.The third guy says, "I want to be beaten half to death."
Lawyer Jokes

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."
Lawyer Jokes

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch."
Political Jokes

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements."--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist"--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing' too broad."--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 "This is a great day for France!"--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."--James Baker, televangelist. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. "What he does on his own time is up to him."--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. "Facts are stupid things."--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.
Political Jokes

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster thanit does today ??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...
At Work

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!
At Work

Long, but really funny...from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
At Work

A police officer arrives at an accident scene whereapparently three blondes have leaped to their deathfrom a very tall building... he suddenly notices thatone is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:"why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap outof that building?"The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted totry out our new maxi-pads with wings"...
Blonds

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! IfI get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jumpoff this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I getburritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bolognasandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef andcabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw aburrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaand jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd knownhow really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would havegiven it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I couldhave given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos somuch."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Blonds

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother'sson?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.
Children

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans.""Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If yousay anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit toChandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
Children

Last Lunch Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20 story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, " Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The third worker is polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed him a different lunch!" The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my husband a different lunch!" The polish workers wife isn't crying at all so the other two wives confront her. "Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"
Ethnic

Q: Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?A: The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.
Ethnic

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, verylittle appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man issuffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about hispersonal life."Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize allthe time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceablepoison to give her, so I may end my misery."The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll getlife in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into hercoffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife toomuch. She'll be gone in a month at best."The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Threeweeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend'shouse to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "Whatthe Hell happened ???"The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, dayand nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trimand dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, herhusband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knewshe has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
Relationships

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?""The guy was your doctor."
Miscellaneous

What's the definition of AIDS?Anally Injected Death Sentence.
Science

|The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?Q: What happened then?A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you?Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?Were you alone or by yourself?Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?A: That's me.Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?A: I'll be three months on March 12th.Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?A: Yes.Q: What were you doing at that time?Do you have any children or anything of that kind?Was that the same nose you broke as a child?Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?A: I used to be.Q: How many times have you committed suicide?So, you were gone until you returned?You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?A: Not yet.A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Lawyer Jokes

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gatheredaround him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last timebefore I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."
Relationships

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They weredown to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one couldget the position. As a final test each recruit was led down ahallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the firstman, "We need to know that you will do whatever we sayregardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into thisroom and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man'sface. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. Iguess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agreethe agents, "You're free to go". They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to knowthat you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The mantakes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent andafter five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming downhis face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can'tkill my wife". The agents let him leave. They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know thatyou will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Takethis gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes thegun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for thenext five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. Thedoor finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looksat both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn'ttell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him todeath with the chair!"
Relationships

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and inthe center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and startedto rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and hesaid "I want to know the person you hate the most"The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?""I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever youwish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.""OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion""I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tenniscourts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with astick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."
Relationships

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she doesn't deserve to have any." James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe, but not in the House." Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000." Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
Miscellaneous

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.They are soon caught by the nativesand brought to a village and put before the cheif.He says to the firstguy,"As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru".Notwanting to die he picks Ru Ru.He is then beatenand buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.The 2nd guywhenasks says "I'd rather die than suffer that ". The chief says "Great,death itis,death by Ru Ru"!!!
Miscellaneous

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the deathof the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately8:42PM last evening.Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going andgoing and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends andrelatives, was alone at the time of his death.An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medicalExaminer, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death wasacute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards,and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....
Miscellaneous

Satanic Barney Proof Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR Prove: Barney is satanic The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for printing, meaning the Roman representation would for Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR Extracting the Roman numerals, we have: CV V L DI V And their decimal equivalents are: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5 Adding those numbers produces: 666. 666 is the number of the Beast. Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN! oI=vo ?/$="'" """^SATAN$~\ .&?/' `""$$, ,/?/' /-"^\. .-=~\T, ,/?/' /SATAN| |\IS,&' |LT `\?\\ ``\?\^I/HATE@:~:$=v\. `$k==v\.??\, `\d `\$$'9P'I-LOVE=SATAN\/$$~?$\ ,R/ /$?~^'"""""`"\\&&< ?b "`~$P:c: /v==v,#::?<<&:'T| d$/' [|:. ""=o/&. ,P o&Z'`'.##| |MH\|| ,$$' `=:$H&=\. `"b?b. .&' 96*.-v.:?/`\==$&?$&*' `^$?\. `*&*\\ ,P ?~-~' |$$S>' `\7b ,T/\&&\. d? |T' \/b .&J' `\> d' T, &`L /|| ?| ?, ||9 J\T H ?, H|| ||/ || 9, ||M PJ' || `H bT, ||T || || T/L H|| `b M &T, M| 9, 9 `L9, M| `&. | `?*,9|| `b d `\?(|H. `b ?b `*\ `&. `\. J*|b `\o/\. `&. ,P 9/L 9:&. `9\ ?? `H9. *?9\ `b .&' |/| `|`\. `L ./' `|H d\/qZbo. M .,=' ,|T ./~&$$?=??/' `"=H$| H .o='' J\| ,*/'' `\? `' ./?ov=="*b9, ,$P ,Td ,$$'`' ?|M ,$/ J|| ,$?/ M|| ?$/ M|| |>\. .,~9$'' T|| d'M. 9`| `Hi:R&:&&6&="' ./$J| `^"\Z\. ||M `=Z\:"" H|T" `&H&>v bT, .. v,?|\ M|| .:Z|&\. ||H DEATH~>TO9H| `?*\ ?$`#'H 9ALL|1KIDS* .$/ `bZ&\ ,o\&KILL&/' \?$.:?ooo/*""' `\$$b |\MAIM*:./' `"""' `' `~?&qDESTROY#/'
Religion

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane wasbeing rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can do something about this...'To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.'
Religion

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a womanjust passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition tome?"The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware thatevery pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,"I just asked the time, miss."In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if yousay another word!"Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastenedto the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath andwondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In aquiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesison the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,"You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?"
Situations

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and wasaproached by his assistant."Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian."Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-oldblond came in last night. Dead of course""What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition."I'm not sure",replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawnstuck up her cunt!""Are you sure?", said the Mortitian."Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistantopening the body bag.The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch."That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That'sher clitoris""Are you sure?", said the assisitant,"'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".
Situations

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, "Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die."Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, "That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost hit the pussy willows."
Situations

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?Crib death.
Sex

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the localbrothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait.""But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.""Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.""Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one ofthe staff and, after looking for a place to consummatethe transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. Butit's a very cold night, and they freeze to death andfall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,staggers to the door, and knocks."Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!""I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tellyou that your sign fell down."
Sex

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below: 1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ? 1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA. 2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts. 3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days". 2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is: 1. All you'll ever need. 2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol. 3. The signal to open Fire. 3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was: 1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence. 2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women. 3. A training film. 4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer. 1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use. 2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all. 3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser. 5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to: 1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you. 2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ? 3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60. 6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply: 1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force! 2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs ! 3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that! 7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE] 1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing. 2. What's a bra ? 3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling. 8. Define "male." 1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence." 2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere. 3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower. 9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong? 1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that. 2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure. 3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique. 10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire? 1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche. 2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place. 3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings? Grading the Exam * If 8 or more of your answers were "1": This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it. * If 8 or more of your answers were "2": Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ? * If 8 or more of your answers were "3": Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".
Women

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Women

Democrats V. Republicans What it all boils down to ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS-------------------------------------------------------------------criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift | chance | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift | | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------endangered | give them protection | Give them the swiftspecies | | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift | | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift | health care | sword of death-------------------------------------------------------------------the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95 | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)-------------------------------------------------------------------
Politics

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit afortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news."There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepareyourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent andhorrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then atthe single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took afew deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. Shemet the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked herquestion:"Will I be acquitted?"
Politics

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.The attorney asks, "Before you signed thedeath certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not takenany steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let meput it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on mydesk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing lawsomewhere."
Legal

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""That's my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
Legal

Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students ---------------------------------- Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water--------------------------------Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look atthe following table.00-14 Liberal Arts15-20 Vulcan/Math Major21-40 Robot!!!
School

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
School

Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
School

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: #1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.
School

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he saidafterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn'tlook very convinced.Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward."Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of youwho are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
War

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death.Dihydrogen monoxide:1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patientsCONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and thecontaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has causedmillions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recentlyCalifornia.Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:- as an industrial solvent and coolant- in nuclear power plants- in the production of styrofoam- as a fire retardant- in many forms of cruel animal research- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food productsCompanies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can bedone to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact onwildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!The American government has refused to ban the production anddistribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health ofthis nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations areconducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollardevices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds ofmilitary research facilities receive tons of it through a highlysophisticated underground distribution network. Many store largequantities for later use.IT'S NOT TOO LATE!Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
Science

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics.We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below.Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional tothe Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the DistanceBetween Them.Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute ElectricallyCharged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred MillionMiles per Hour.Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossiblefor the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where ThisProduct Is and How Fast It Is Moving.Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through aProcess Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappearfrom Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in theUniverse, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile. The Manufacturer Will NotBe Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain SuggestedVersions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting ThisProduct May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred MillionYears.This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This MerchandiseShould Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion WillResult.Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any MannerWhatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That ThisProcess Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Togetherby a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and WhoseAdhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of99.9999999999% Empty Space.New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May TechnicallyBe Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, theConsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above andBeyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the SevenNew Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That TheyCannot Be Detected.Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When theConsumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist orWill Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in EveryMeasurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, SinceIts Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to theUser.Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, IncludingThis Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally SmallSpace. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence ofThis Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.
Science

|This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks."Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
Animal Jokes

|A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Bar Jokes

|The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?""A mongoose.""What for?""Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
Bar Jokes

|A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Blonde Jokes

|As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Lawyer Jokes

|There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Common Jokes

|A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
Business Jokes

|1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. 3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date. 4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. 5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection. 7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 8. The senior officer is Always Right. 9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.
Military Jokes

|A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 * 1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo. 2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide. 3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart. 4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member. 5) Marines don't wear dungarees. 6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect. 7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!'' 8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat. 9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.'' 10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima 11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying. 12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues. 13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore. 14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs. 15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar. 16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House. 19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up. 20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES. 21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors! 22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill! 23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea) 24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat. 25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot. 26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
Military Jokes

|A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.""Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.""Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.""Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Police Jokes

|Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.Apparently, just to anger him.
Police Jokes

|For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.Harlez-vous fran硩s?CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum.I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris.THE CAT IS DEAD.Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf.LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem.DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠Moe le deluge.LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine.FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice.I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton.TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy.LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France.DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡t, c'est moo.I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.Cogito, ergo spud.I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.(OK, another exception.)
Ethnical Jokes

|WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALKBECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNERHow to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lessonAig - What a hen laysAints - He's got aints in his paintsPaints - What cha put on your laigs of a morninArn - Ma's tard of arninBag - He bagged her to marry himBobbed - A bobbed wire fenceBresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.Bub - the light bub burned outCheer - What you set inCrick - A small streamClum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coonChiny - country over in AsiaChuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothesCore - He got hisself a new Ford coreCyow - Animal on FarmDeppity - He helps out the shurfDribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirtDainz - Satidy night socialEllum - A graceful treeFanger - What you put your rang onFaince - Whats round the hawg lotFar - What get the brandin arn hotFurred - He got furred from his jobFlar - A rose is a purdy flarFrash - Them aigs ain't frashFuriners - All non-'bamansFurther - Hits ten miles further to townGrain - She was grain with envyHail - Where bad folks goHep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.Hern - It aint hern, it's his'nHilbilly - People in the next countyHollar - Whats between the hillsHard - Got a brend new hardhand Tar - His core blew a tarLaymun - A sour fruitLaig - Most folks have two of themLather - What you climb upLiberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyowsMere - What you see your self inMinners - Live baitMisrus - Married WomanNar - Opposite of wideNayk - Your head sets on itNup - NoOrrel - Them hinges need orrelOrmy - What the sojers go inPank - A light red colorParch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass growPetition - What separate the roomsPoke - A paper bag or sackPokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in PokeSalit - A green vegetablePuppet - What the preacher is inPurdy - She is purdy as a pitcherPurt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pigRang - You wear it on your fangerRut - That there tree sure has long rutsRah cheer - I was born rah cheer in townRainch - A big cow farmRat - Do it rat now!Rench - Rench the soap yourselfRoont - She plum roont her shoesSalary - A stringy vegetableSoardeens - Small canned fishShar - A light rainGully Worsher - A medium heavy rainToad strangler - A heavy rain SodyPop - A soft drinkSprang - Water out'n the groundShurf - The Shurf put Clem in jailStorch - This here aprn has to much storch in itSkeered - that plumb skeered me to deathThanks - He shore thanks he's smartTho - Tho me the ballThoat - I shore got a sore thoatWar - A bobbed war fanceWorsh - Go worsh your faceWarter - What you worsh your face inYurp - A continent overseas
Ethnical Jokes

|We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
Ethnical Jokes

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say..."IT'S A GUY THING"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated:* "I have no idea how it works.""TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated:* "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Translated:* "What did you catch me at?""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Mixed Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated PressA fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
Real Jokes

|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Martinez, California:Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run.But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical case of cronyism." He said his opponents "want the taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special election.Kramer also bristled at the charge he's unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county's Public Works Department.The assessor's office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year.
Real Jokes

|"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds40-ish means: 48Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever willAffectionate means: PossessiveArtist means: UnreliableAverage looking means: You figure this one outBeautiful means: Pathological liarCommitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewiseContagious Smile means: Bring your penicillinEducated means: College dropoutEmotionally Secure means: MedicatedEmployed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at homeEnjoys art and opera means: SnobEnjoys Nature means: Bring your own granolaExotic Beauty means: Would frighten a MartianFinancially Secure means: One paycheck from the streetFree spirit means: Substance abuserFriendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slutFun means: AnnoyingGentle means: ComatoseGood Listener means: Hard to pull a word from herHumorous means: CausticIntuitive means: Your opinion doesn't countIn Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the billsLight drinker means: LushLooks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad lightLoves Travel means: If you're payingLoves Animals means: Cat ladyNon-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basementOpen-minded means: DesperateOutgoing means: LoudPassionate means: LoudPoet means: Depressive SchizophrenicRedhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisleReliable means: FrumpyReubenesque means: You can figure this one outRomantic means: Looks better by candle lightSelf-employed means: JoblessSmart means: InsipidSpecial means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windowsSpiritual means: Involved with a cultStable means: BoringTall, thin means: AnorexicTan means: WrinkledWants Soulmate means: One step away from stalkingWidow Nagged means: first husband to deathWriter means: PompousYoung at heart means: How about the rest
Gender Jokes

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say..."IT'S A GUY THING"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated:* "I have no idea how it works.""TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Translated:* "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Translated:* "What did you catch me at?""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Gender Jokes

|Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. Same work....more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. ESPN's sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.
Gender Jokes

|Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?A: To get to the shell station Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?A: Because it was stuck to the chicken!Q: Why did the horse cross the road?A: Because the chicken needed a day off Q: Why did the cow cross the road?A: To get to the udder side!Q: Why did the chicken end up in the soup?A: Because it ran out of cluck!Q: What happened when the chicken ate cement?A: She laid a sidewalk!Q: What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken?A: She kicked the bucket!Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?A: A cuckoo cluck!Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?A: She was tickled to death!
Kids Jokes

|What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!
Kids Jokes

|A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go.""Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?""That you kill me first."
Instrument Jokes

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?USA Today:WE'RE DEADThe Wall Street Journal:DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDSNational Enquirer:O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAINPlayboy:GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSEMicrosoft Systems Journal:APPLE LOSES MARKET SHAREVictoria's Secret Catalog:OUR FINAL SALESports Illustrated:GAME OVERWired:THE LAST NEW THINGRolling Stone:THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOURReaders Digest:'BYEDiscover Magazine:HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?TV Guide:DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!Lady's Home Journal:LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!America Online:SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.Inc. magazine:TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSEMicrosoft's Web Site:IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE
Miscellaneous

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?"I'm very sorry,grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!"
Miscellaneous

Enlightenment Quiz1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang2. A Zen koan is ........> A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......> A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:- A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?> A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn9) Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana10) Om Mani Padme Om means:- A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry11) The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)13) The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?True-False_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring._______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays._______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder._______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.Score 0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]
Miscellaneous

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF... The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one). At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it. You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You have never backed up your hard drive. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. You see a good design and still have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa). You window shop at Radio Shack. You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. Your checkbook always balances. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
Miscellaneous

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"Clinton says "Give me the bad news first."The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."Clinton says "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!...Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
Miscellaneous

|"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you
Job/Office Jokes

|Thoughts and stories from on the jobMy boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free." This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too". Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?" People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death". Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it. Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers. Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.
Job/Office Jokes

|A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
Marriage Jokes

|As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
Marriage Jokes

|The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho MarxThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. ColeridgeThe only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavranTo keep your marriage brimmingWith love in the marriage cup,Whenever you're wrong, admit it,Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash
Marriage Jokes

|It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off." Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!
Dumb Jokes

|A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
Dumb Jokes

|The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)... We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off.""He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne said.1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.Now this year's winners:(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body, without the protection of his shorts. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Dumb Jokes

|(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.First Runner Up Award goes to ...(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
Dumb Jokes

|Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again". When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".
Dumb Jokes

|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!With truly the deepest love,AgnesDecember 15, 2003Dearest Dave,Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.With all of my love,Your AgnesDecember 16, 2003Dearest Dave,You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.Love,AgnesDecember 17, 2003Dear Dave,Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,AgnesDecember 18, 2003Dearest darling Dave,It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!All my love,AgnesDecember 19, 2003Dear Dave,When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.Cordially,AgnesDecember 20, 2003Dave,What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.Sincerely,AgnesDecember 21, 2003O.K. wise guy,The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!AgnesDecember 22, 2003Hey loser,What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!You'll get yours!AgnesDecember 23, 2003You rotten scum!!!There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!One who means it!December 24, 2003Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!Your sworn enemy,AgnesDecember 25, 2003The Law Offices ofBadger, Rees, and Yorker20 Knave StreetChicago, IllinoisDear sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Rees, and YorkerThis document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
Christmas Jokes

MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Miscellaneous

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it. "Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window." "Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death. "Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."
Miscellaneous

One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Miscellaneous

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... she called me to get my phone number. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. she tried to put MandM's in alphabetical order. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. she tried to drown a fish. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she tripped over a cordless phone. she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she studied for a blood test. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Miscellaneous

Dear Editor, I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? Sincerely, Larry
Miscellaneous

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English". On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said. With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim. A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently. Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated. He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated. Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold. A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Miscellaneous

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Miscellaneous

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!" Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome." Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!" Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator." Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice. Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted." Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
Miscellaneous

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say... "IT'S A GUY THING" "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?" "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."
Miscellaneous

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"
Miscellaneous

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work.. more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said.. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
Miscellaneous

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Miscellaneous

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Miscellaneous

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill... Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now... The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused and of course scared... Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment. GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns. THE BOYS OF SUMMER A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GOT A LIGHT? In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Miscellaneous

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously. If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If you called him a wit, you'd be half right. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Ignorant, and proud of it. Immune from any serious head injury. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants. In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
Miscellaneous

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise! When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity. Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much. Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself. I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying. You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do. If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo! I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you. Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too. I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.
Miscellaneous

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Miscellaneous

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Miscellaneous

fter all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position ? two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you?re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can?t kill my wife." The agent replies "You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman?s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn?t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Miscellaneous

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing 350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a 600.00 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Human Resources Department
Miscellaneous

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope For Peace 31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Miscellaneous

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Miscellaneous

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Miscellaneous

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Miscellaneous

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. It is considered an offense to shower naked. You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. It is illegal to skateboard without a license. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail. It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline. It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000) Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ? 28-64) Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance - removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense, notice and hearing, lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited. Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ? 20-11) The molestation of trash cans is banned. Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor. Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, ?? 1, 2, 8-10-59) Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ? 8-3 Code 1980, ? 8-3) It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel. Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required, application, transferability, false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ? 1, 10-14-97) Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine. You may not catch crabs. If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00. It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
Miscellaneous

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
Miscellaneous

Dumb Alabama Laws It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. Masks may not be worn in public. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. Incestous marriages are legal. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. Anniston You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. Jasper It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. Lee County It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. Mobile It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. Montgomery It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
Miscellaneous

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.___________________________________________Still think you're having a bad day?A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, sheonce again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.______________________________________________Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both._____________________________________________Still think you are having a bad day?A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman._______________________________________________STILL think you're having a bad day?Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.____________________________________________What?! STILL having a bad day??Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
Miscellaneous

Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.Practice safe eating: always use condiments.I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Corduroy pillows are making headlines.Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.Banning the bra was a big flop.Sea captains don't like crew cuts.Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.Without geometry, life is pointless.When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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Written by a Viet Nam VetGOD BLESS AMERICA!"In Memory of The Twin Towers"Warning song to Osama bin Laden(the tune of Rawhide)The devil came from nowhereHe attacked us from the sky.He bloodied up our nationdidn't give a reason why.Now he's placed a spear in our eyesaid its done it Allahs nameSo God's coming lookin for himAnd he's got himself to blame.No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.Just go hidin in your hillsYou'll be buried in your caves.You'll get what you've got comin nowFor being Satans slaves.You've woke the sleeping giantFrom his legendary sleepNow with open roar like lionsThere's one promise he will keepNo more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.So don't close your eyes a momentCause you surely see death there.Don't waste your time in moaninYou just haven't got a prayer.You chose to terrify the worldwith your sensely killing spreeBrought violence into our livesPlaced hate inside of me.No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.In this peaceful loving NationHome of brave and of the freeAll are calling up your numberover land and over seaWe have seen the vileness in your soulthe horrors you createNow this angry nations cominglook around we're at your gateNo more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to goFor the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thoughtAnd the world is coming for you now with everything its got.Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"She said, "I'd love to be ten again."On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
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As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
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With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.The frustrated church leader says, "The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?" The no-armed man says, "I've been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family."The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says, "OK give it a try."And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.The church leader rushes down to the sidewalk just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says, "OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?"The church leader says, "I'm sorry, I didn't ask, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was in here yesterday!"
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A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?""Guilty", said the man in the dock.At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?"Guilty", said the man in the dock.Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"He replied "He is my next door neighbor".The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
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It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said."Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs.""Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
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December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.Happy Holidays to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 3rdTO: ALL EMPLOYEESRegarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.Patty Lewis - Human Researchers DirectorDecember 7thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses DirectorDecember 9thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESPeople, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."Patty Lewis - Human RatracesDecember 10thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESVegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?The Bitch from Hell!December 14thTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
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Twas the night before Payback...'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,But all that he's done is just make us madder.We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.And yes we remember the USS Cole,And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,They'll go down in history as the place where you died.Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?He came very close, to his final breath.So come out and prove it, that you are a man,Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.Osama I wrote this especially for you,For air mail delivery by B-52.You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!
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What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington."How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...What the hell did you think I said?
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Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said: "You've got two choices.I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.There was another tap on his shoulder.This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.The polar bear says:"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's masterb. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blousec. After wrecking your boss' Ferrarid. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying GameUnless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
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A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"
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Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A. Ask your mother.Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. Wiped his ass.Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?A. Spitting, swallowing and garglingQ. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?A. You know she'll swallow.Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?A. No one to talk to during orgasm.Q. What do you call a smart blonde?A. A golden retriever.Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?A. The one with the dirty knees.Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A. A battery has a positive side.Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?A. The blonde, because she's 18.Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sexA. "Honey, I'm home!"Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Q. How can you tell a macho women?A. She rolls her own tampons.Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?A: Hair balls.Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?A: Crust.Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
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The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"."CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works.""I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Means: "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completelyclueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Means: "What did you catch me at?""I HEARD YOU.""I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Means: "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
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Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive I will not carve gods.I will not spank others.I will not aim for the head.I will not barf unless I'm sick.I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills.Funny noises are not funny.I will not snap bras.I will not fake seizures.This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death.I will not defame New Orleans.I will not prescribe medication.I will not bury the new kid.I will not teach others to fly.I will not bring sheep to class.A burp is not an answer.Teacher is not a leper.Coffee is not for kids.I will not eat things for money.I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce.Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures.I will return the seeing-eye dog.I do not have diplomatic immunity.I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy.The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy.Organ transplants are best left to professionals.The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.I will not waste chalk.I will not skateboard in the halls.I will not instigate revolution.I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis.I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny.They are laughing at me, not with me.I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly.I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything.I will not Xerox my butt.It's potato, not potatoe.I will not trade pants with others.I am not a 32 year old woman.I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car.I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property.I will not burp in class.I will not cut corners.I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem.I will not sell land in Florida.I will not grease the monkey bars.I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again.I will not show off.I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist.Spitwads are not free speech.Nobody likes sunburn slappers.High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner.I will not squeak chalk.I will finish what I sta"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God."Lord, I have a problem!""What's the problem, Eve?""Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.""Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above."Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.""Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.""What's a man, Lord?""Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.""Sounds great!" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.What's the catch, Lord?""Well... you can have him on one condition.""What's that, Lord?""As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."
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Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed."Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan."No!," said the dying man."I say, renounce the devil and his works!""No way!," the man repeats."And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Murphy."Because," said the dying man..."I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!"
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Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.Jesus stops them and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.At which point Jesus looks over and says..."Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"
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DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment."I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." #4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. #5- In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to comit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
Miscellaneous

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news."There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
Miscellaneous

Gentlemen:I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.Yours for more credit,Max
Miscellaneous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Miscellaneous

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son...We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!"
Miscellaneous

Herewith is a compendium of movie clich?s, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time there's a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters weren't idiots.Actress Inferior Position - In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the man's, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.AC-WAT-NOBI Movie - A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In.Against All Odds Rule - In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive. In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths."Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens." - Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, "(Name), is that you?" it NEVER is.Air Vent Escape Route - If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil.Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) - Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc.) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents.Ali MacGraw's Disease - Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.Back seat Inviso-Syndrome - Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule - If a rental movie box has a warning such as "If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film!" -do not rent this film.Baguette Envy - In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly8.5 inches of it will be exposed.Bartender Establishing Shot - All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag."Based on a True Story." - Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing,morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened.Bathroom Rule - No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window.Beeping Rule - In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that "something important has been found." The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command.Beginning, The - Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.Best Play of the Game Rule - Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer."Betcha Can't Name That Tune" Ploy - Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire', are perfectly happy playing nothing but chords. By never straying anywhere near a recognizable melody, they avoid paying royalties.'Betsy' Syndrome - Identifying an actor in print by their latest film, regardless of how weak it was. Inspired by a newspaper article that appeared toward the end of Sir Lawrence Olivier's career, referring to him as "Lawrence ('The Betsy') Olivier."Big Nod, The - Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side.Bogeyman Shot - Unaware victim is shot in close-up looking toward the camera, while a huge lopsided space is left vacant for the monster/killer to appear in.Boob Tube - There is never anything worth seeing on TV in the movies.Boom-Boom Rule - Whenever a building or a car explodes, the explosion will be repeated in its entirely from several different camera angles.Born in the USA - Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.British Roman Rule - All leaders of the Roman Empire have British accents. Why don't filmmakers want Romans to at least have Italian accents?Broken Compass Principle - In New York City chase scenes, cars are able to turn off of avenues onto other avenues. This is impossible, since the avenues are parallel.Bumbling Night Watchman - Any scene involving the good guy burgling an office at night will inevitably include a semi- competent night watchman, whose sole purpose is to inject an element of danger into an otherwise boring event. Actions performed by the watchman usually include shining flashlight through the window, rattling doorknobs, watching security monitors, etc., all done in a manner that allows the good guy to continue undetected until just after he discovers the needed information or object. He will then flee the scene with the watchman in pursuit.Bun and Spectacles Rule - Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large thick round ones will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe.
Miscellaneous

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.Runners-up: [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.[Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.======================== Special Merit ======================== [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at PartyA man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne."Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off.""He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Miscellaneous

Bits of information to help you through the day:If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.
Miscellaneous

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELERDecember 8:6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!December 9:We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!December 12:The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.December 14:Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.December 15:20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.December 16:Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.December 17:Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.December 20:Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.December 22:Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.December 23:Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.December 24:6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.December 25:Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.December 26:Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.December 27:Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.December 28:Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!December 29:10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?December 30:Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.December 31:Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!January 8:I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Miscellaneous

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum."I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?""Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said -put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Miscellaneous

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,"Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said,"I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, - "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"
Miscellaneous

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with.""Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started singing, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
Miscellaneous

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?A. We'd eat pussy every ThanksgivingQ. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMSA. Nothing.Q: What's the speed limit of sex?A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.Q: What's the ultimate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?A. Hair balls.Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk driveQ. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A Come in five flavorsQ. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?A. CrustQ. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour porkQ. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowingQ. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infectionQ. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?A. By sticking your finger in his honeyQ. What is the ultimate rejection?A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleepQ. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?A. Both can smell it but can't eat itQ. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?A. A blow job with handle barsQ. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A. A mobile sperm bank.Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?A. All you can eat for under a buck.Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A. A cherry float.Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?A. Beat IT -we're closed.Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A. To find a tight seal.Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"Q. Why is air a lot like sex?A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A. He heard the snow blower coming.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?A: She's withholding evidenceQ: What's the difference between light and hard?A. You can sleep with a light on.Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.Q. What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?A. His wife died.Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?A. The cake jumps out of the girl.Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A. Full up.Q. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?A. You can eat your mums apple pieQ. What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?A. Put a nipple on it.Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.The answer. A cockrobin.The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.Q. What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?A. Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?A. You push it to the side before you start eating.Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.Q.What is the difference between women and computers?A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?A. Hanson.Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?A. A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?A. One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest?A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.Q. What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?A. Dress her up as a choir boy.Q. why do tampons have strings?A. So you can floss after eating.Q. What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?A. At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.Q. What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?A. They both dig dead peoples holes.Q. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?A. One is a hunt on the course...........Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?A. A blood vessel.Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.Q. What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?A. A seagull flits along the shore.Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?A. A pimp.Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?A. Michael Jackson's hand.Q. What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?A. Wipe it off and apologise.Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?A. odour eaters.Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?A. Its not hard.Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.Q. How do you make a dog drink?A. Put it in the blender.Q. Why did god put men on earth?A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?A. A pick pocket snatches watches.Q. What's white and clings to the wall?A. George Michael's latest release.Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?A. You cant gargle with sand.
Miscellaneous

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
Miscellaneous

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.I will not carve gods.I will not spank others.I will not aim for the head.I will not barf unless I'm sick.I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.I will not conduct my own fire drills.Funny noises are not funny.I will not snap bras.I will not fake seizures.This punishment is not boring and pointless.My name is not Dr. Death.I will not prescribe medication.I will not bury the new kid.I will not teach others to fly.I will not bring sheep to class.A burp is not an answer.Teacher is not a leper.I will not eat things for money.I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.I will not call the principal "spud head".Goldfish don't bounce.Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.No one is interested in my underpants.I will not sell miracle cures.I will return the seeing-eye dog.I do not have diplomatic immunity.I will not charge admission to the bathroom.The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.Organ transplants are best left to professionals. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.I will not skateboard in the halls.Underwear should be worn on the inside.The Christmas Pageant does not stink.I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
Miscellaneous

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead.""We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?""That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.""I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?""I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.""You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up.""This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.""I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Miscellaneous

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year.Question2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.Question3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?Question4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 yearsQuestion5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.Question6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.Question7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Question8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.Question9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, Voodoo.Question10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?Question11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?Question12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?Question13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?Question14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?Question15. Q: Did he kill you?Question16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?Question17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?Question18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?Question19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?Question20. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: none. Q: Were there any girls?Question21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Question22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?Question23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Question24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Question25. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?Question26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Question27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to? A: OralQuestion28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.Question29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?Question30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Miscellaneous

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.And finally.......6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Miscellaneous

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be."On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
Miscellaneous

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:1) A certified medical excuse2) A death in the student's immediate familyA smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
Miscellaneous

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .........................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... 5 You pummel it with a six iron.................................... 10SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party.............................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...................................................-2 Named Tiffany....................................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer..............................................-6 Tiffany has implants.............................................-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner........................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ............ 1 Okay, it is a sports bar.........................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team................................-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely..............................-20 You forget your anniversary.....................................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station....................-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey..................................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.....................-60A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie.......................................... 2 You take her to a movie she likes................................ 4 You take her to a movie you hate ................................ 6 You take her to a movie you like.................................-2 It's called DeathCop3...........................................-3 Which features cyborgs having sex................................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected.......................0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ..... 20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....... 30 And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly.............................. -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..........................................-30 You say "I don't care because you have one too" ...............-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical............... -5 Something she can't use.........................................-10 Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10 You don't stop to ask directions .......................0 You stop and ask for directions ...................... 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.......................................................-25 You know them..................................................-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?"............................................-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression................................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......... 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..............-20
Miscellaneous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is usually right.Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.A fool and his money will soon be partying.Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
Miscellaneous

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees."What's wrong?" They asked. "Yeah, you scared off our game.""I'm sorry, fellas. I didn't screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn't yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS..."What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, "Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?"
Miscellaneous

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hireda young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flockof birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds andto shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The manfigured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to washthis mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo birdoff means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored hisadvice, found water and got cleaned off.Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this storyis "If the foo shits, wear it."
Miscellaneous

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.[It's known as the Sanka clause.]The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]Every person has a unique tongue print.[But would you want someone to ink yours?]Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.[Even if you don't inhale.]Women's hearts beat faster than men's.[Even after death.]When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname. ]Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.[His parents never bought him a night light.]Bubble gum contains rubber.[But should not be used as a condom.]You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."[And most likely to grab himself.]Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.[74% think Madonna is.]The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.[I may never eat Jell-o again!]The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. [But it will hold a grudge much longer.]Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]Most American car horns honk in the key of F.[And we all know what the F represents.]The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]Most lipstick contains fish scales.[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.[Who volunteers to confirm this?]Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.[The same is true for people.]
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The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.9 C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.4 During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.3 Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.2 The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?Richard Jewell.And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...1 Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
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Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".#4 Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.#1 Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"
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PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKINGWhenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.-- Mariah CareyQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contestResearchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22I haven't committed a crime.What I did was fail to comply with the law.-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCBeginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public AidThe Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe.-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.7) One word: Lightsabers.6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "SlaveI."1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
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A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said-OK.Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home -Ok said the man, and you may give her my silver-OK said he, you will also give her my jewelry-OK, said the man, and you will also give her my dresses, said the woman -"This will not be possible", answered the man -"you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10".
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OK, let's consider the physical evidence.The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
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"I'm going fishing."Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Let's take your car."Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.""Woman driver."Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.""I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.""It's a guy thing."Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really meanAbsolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."Good idea."Really means"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.""Have you lost weight?"Really means"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.""My wife doesn't understand me."Really means"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means"I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means"The batteries in the remote are dead.""I got a lot done."Really means"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.""We're going to be late."Really means"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Hey, I've read all the classics."Really means"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.""You cook just like my mother used to."Really means"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.""I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."Really means"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""That's interesting, dear."Really means"Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means"I forgot our anniversary again.""You expect too much of me."Really means"You want me to stay awake.""It's a really good movie."Really means"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.""That's women's work."Really means"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Will you marry me?"Really means"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.""Go ask your mother."Really means"I am incapable of making a decision.""You know how bad my memory is."Really means"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."Really means"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.""Football is a man's game."Really means"Women are generally too smart to play it.""Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."Really means"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.""I do help around the house."Really means"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I can't find it."Really means"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"Really means"What did you catch me at?""What do you mean, you need new clothes?"Really means"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.""She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means"She refused to make my coffee.""But I hate to go shopping."Really means"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.""No, I left plenty of gas in the car."Really means"You may actually get it to start.""I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."Really means"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.""I heard you."Really means"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hopingdesperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""You know I could never love anyone else."Really means"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""You look terrific."Really means"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I brought you a present."Really means"It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.""I missed you."Really means"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means"No one will ever see us alive again.""We share the housework."Really means"I make the messes, she cleans them up.""This relationship is getting too serious."Really means"I like you more than my truck.""I recycle."Really means"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.""Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?""It sure snowed last night."Really means"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.""It's good beer."Really means"It was on sale.""I don't need to read the instructions."Really means"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.""I'll fix the garbage disposal later."Really means"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.""I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.""I broke up with her."Really means"She dumped me."
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[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.]Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life. "More intelligence-challenged people"45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2.later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7: 50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck. "Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft. " [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]* Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
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"The gene pool could use a little chlorine.""All generalizations are false.""Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.""I love cats...they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.""REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""All men are Idiots, and I married their King!""E. coli Happens""Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!""Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician""If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.""SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver""I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....""Towers will be violated""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ""End rape. Say 'Yes!'""I KNOW JACK SHIT!""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.""Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some.""I Brake For No Apparent Reason.""When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! ""Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.""Wink, I'll do the rest!""I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!""No Radio - Already Stolen""Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.""Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""When there's a will, I want to be in it!""Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?""If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?""Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ""I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!""I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!""Assassins do it from behind!""Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!""Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!""Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.""IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. ""Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""Which came first? The woman or the department store?""LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.""Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?""I'm not as think as you drunk I am""First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Don't come knocking if the car is rocking""Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter""Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?""We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.""Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.""He who laughs last thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.""Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""i souport publik edekasion""The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.""We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock.""2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.""I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ""Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.""I is a college student.""Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.""Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.""Eschew obfuscation.""God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!""I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?""CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.""We're staying together for the sake of the cats.""It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.""My karma ran over your dogma.""Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.""I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.""Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.""Welcome to Texas, now go home.""It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.""If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.""Life's too short to dance with ugly men.""Life's too short to dance with ugly women.""My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.Gosh, I'm going to miss her.""When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).""Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.""Sorry, I don't date outside my species.""Will Rogers never met a lawyer.""Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.""It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.""Don't steal. The government hates competition.""Is there life before coffee?""Never play leap frog with a unicorn.""Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m""The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.""I Cayman went.""My other wife is beautiful.""I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?""Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.""Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.""Nuke the unborn baby whales.""Geez if you belive in honkus.""Friends don't let friends drive naked.""Save California; when you leave take someone with you.""I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.""There's one in every crowd and they always find me.""If money could talk, it would say goodbye.""When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.""Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.""If it's too loud, you're too old.""The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.""Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.""Who cares who's on board?""Die Yuppie Scum.""Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.""Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.""Women make great leaders. You're following one now.""Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.""Exxon Suxx.""Honk if you love cheeses.""Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.""I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.""So many pedestrians, so little time."
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age,Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
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Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy"."So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!""Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
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A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
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Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:"Zelda, you've always been by my side""When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side""When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side""When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side""When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side""And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"............"Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"
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* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.* A fool and his money are soon partying.* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."* Death to all fanatics!* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.* Chastity is curable, if detected early.* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.* Half the people you know are below average.* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.And finally....* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines(collected by journalists)1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents6. Farmer Bill Dies in House7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?9. Stud Tires Out10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms15. Eye Drops off Shelf16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 6620. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `8430. War Dims Hope for Peace31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge35. Deer Kill 17,00036. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing50. Air Head Fired51. Steals Clock, Faces Time52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
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God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.1. How did you find out about God?__ Newspaper __ Other Book__ Television __ Divine Inspiration__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience__ Bible __ Other__ Torah (specify): _____________2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.__ Tarot __ Lottery__ Horoscope __ Television__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers__ Self-help books __ Sex__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs__ Mantras __ Other: ________________________________________ Insurance policies __ None3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?a. More Divine Interventionb. Less Divine Interventionc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just rightd. Don't know4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 55. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).
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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."Hi. Now you say something.""Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.
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December 14thDearest John:I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.With dearest love and affection, Agnes--------------------------------------December 15thDearest John:Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.All my love, Agnes--------------------------------------December 16thDear John:Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.Love Agnes---------------------------------------December 17thToday the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.Affectionately, Agnes----------------------------------------December 18thDearest John:What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes-----------------------------------------December 19thDear John:When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!Cordially, Agnes------------------------------------------December 20thJohn:What's with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fricking birds!Sincerely, Agnes-------------------------------------------December 21stOK Buster:I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.Ag----------------------------------------------December 22ndHey Buttface:What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And geeeez - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.From Ag----------------------------------------------You Rotten Prick:Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.One who means it, Ag----------------------------------------------December 24thListen Asshole:What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister----------------------------------------------December 25th(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)Dear Sir:This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Q: Why do elephants have trunks?A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?A: Wipe it off!Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?A: None of the offspring survived.Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?A: VERY attractive.Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?A: Lots of room.Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?A: An elephant. Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?A: Swim for your life!!Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?A: To trip low flying canaries.Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?A: He wasn't laying on his back.Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.Q: Why are pygmies so short?A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?A: Slow pygmies.
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Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside atheater?They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."
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A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.The man says, "that's ok."The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!
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A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!"
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As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
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Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.Spinster: A bachelor's wife.Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
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Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.My other wife is beautiful.My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes...The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
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A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.""Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward."What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?""Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
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The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"
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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..""Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.""Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar."You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!""I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
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How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?He signs "his" name under "cause of death!"
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Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.The Surgeon General warns:1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.3. Never moon a werewolf.5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.9. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.10. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.11. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.12. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.13. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.14. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."15. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.16. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.
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Death: What some patients do in the end, to humiliate the doctor.
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
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(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...Foul play has not been ruled out.
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A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it.A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."
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George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."--------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.-----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?---------------------------------------------------------------------Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.---------------------------------------------------------------------Pregnancy:It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh mygod. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."---------------------------------------------------------------------Grandma:My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.---------------------------------------------------------------------Reverse Life Cycle:The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life istough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.------------------------------------------------------Prisons:Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house eachprisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.---------------------------------------------Award Shows:Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.-------------------------------------------Phone-in Polls:You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."----------------------------------------------------------Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone'sanswering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it rightnow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
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A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." But wait...there's more!The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
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Did You her Bill Cliton tried to kill himself? Yea he try to O.D. on Viagra and beat himself to death!
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Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren?t funny ? unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?2) Now, doctor, isn?t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn?t know anything about it until the next morning?3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ?I have to kill you because you can identify me.? Q: Did he kill you?4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?6) Were you alone or by yourself.7) How long have you been a French Canadian?8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That?s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I?ll be three months on November8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?14) So you were gone until you returned?15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?16) You don?t know what it was, and you didn?t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, ?Your Honor, I?d like to strike the next question.?20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
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If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Great Thinkers of Our Time?Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liveforever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not liveforever."-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over theworld, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like thatbut not with all those flies and death and stuff."-- Mariah Carey"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the samereactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discoveredother similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes."Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important partof your life."-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime ratesin the country."-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C."We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. Weare the president."-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,and I'm just the one to do it."-- A congressional candidate in Texas"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riotsand the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who isto blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."-- John Wayne"Half this game is ninety percent mental."-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."-- General William Westmoreland"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."-- Rev. Jesse Jackson"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, exceptmaybe everyone else in America."-- President William Jefferson Clinton"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan QuayleAnd just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...
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The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her."The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy," he replies.The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI agent says, calmly.The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important."The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face."What did you do?"The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"
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A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable."No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.To which the Chicago man replies....."THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!""THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
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---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
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Why are sheep always in a field? Because they can't get out !Who gives my cat his Christmas presents? Santa Paws!Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents? Santa Claws!What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around while i go ahead!Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!What did mary say to santa during the storm? Look at that rain, dear!Where do plumbers buy there presents? Bath!Why is it best to park your car near the moon? Because there is a lot of space!What is the use of reindeer? It makes the garden grow sweetie!How many legs does rudolph have? Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini? Squash!Why did the reindeer take his nose apart? To see what made it run!What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail? Reg!Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer? No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deerWhy do reindeers have wrinkled ankles? Because they lace there boot too tight!What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas? A herring aid!Whats the worst thing to get for christmas? Measles!Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present? Leeds!Where does noddy do his christmas shopping? Redcar!Where does the queen do her christmas shopping? Newcastle!What happens if you get too hot at a football match? Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.
Miscellaneous

Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in adrive-in movie???They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!
Miscellaneous

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,"What are those for?"The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand..."the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
Miscellaneous

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!""What's the problem, Eve?""Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.""Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above."Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.""Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?""This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.""Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow."Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?""You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Miscellaneous

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on hergood side. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass. Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, andthigh! Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on theother side to get her through. Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a watertower. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real. Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I couldeat a horse!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!" Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!" Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!" Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!" Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher a dinosaur. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gaveher the key to the store. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper,they gave her the sign. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as thescreen. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at theradio station. Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motionmachine. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of themilk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on themilk truck. Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she'sgliding across the floor. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load. Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearingropes. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F,G-String. Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on thewater. Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master. Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by acontractor. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back inbed. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, thedoctor gave her 5 years to live. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper. Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar. Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall! Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames. Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7,and 8. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through thewall. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans. Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelledsomething burning. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent. Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste. Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds. Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lightswent on. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks"Where can I try that on?" Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits. Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her buttcheeks. Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line. Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon. Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast isclear." Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road. Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on otherside." Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon. Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached herwaist they spelled "BouleVarD." Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," shegot the part as the big rolling ball. Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay." Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said"Sorry, we don't do curtains." Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate. Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to rolloff, I was still on her. Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his wordfor it! Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, shecouldn't identify them. Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham. Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as aChevy. Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light shestarts eating. Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow. Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like"What ya'll eating? I'll try it!" Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food sheate it. Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not loseweight. Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it. Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on. Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on thelightbulb. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up asofa. Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 poundtest! Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes. Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through herbelt loops. Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator. Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code. Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome backparty. Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I wasstill on top of the bitch. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get groupinsurance! Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was afloat. Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount. Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone. Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she wasan oil spill. Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back andsaid "I'll wait my turn." Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense. Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn." Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs. Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wetspot. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out. Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out. Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck. Yo mama's so fat, I tried to fuck her doggy style but I was just ridin'piggy back. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Getthe fuck off." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Fuck it,they don't pay me enough!" Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, wedon't do livestock." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please stepout of the car." Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number. Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued." Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time,please." Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit. Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take theburro ride down. Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back. Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat. Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as anew world. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket. Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years. Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on theRichter scale. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "ThankYou, Come Again." Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs. Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost. Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimmingpool. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub. Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub. Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, andoh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' EnglishMuffin. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket shewanted, she said the one on the roof. Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets. Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks. Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds. Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her ass. Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun. Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her. Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozonelayer. Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her upwith Detroit. Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA,he'd seen her too. Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for aweek. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Breakit up!" Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation. Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears. Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen. Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just saidH d. Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan. Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat. Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank. Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. ofgravy. Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks. Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes. Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish. Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider. Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells"Earthquake!" Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hipssaying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass." Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutesof your show. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig isthe door. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95. Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check. Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, peoplewalked by and said "Look at the elephant!" Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn"sign. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic. Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World. Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on. Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "Weare family!" Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her ass and ridethe wave in. Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up mustcome down, except Yo mama." Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn. Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backingup. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy,Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac. Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets. Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down. Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup. Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store isthe dressing rooms. Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleeptrying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks. Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eatbuffet. Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet. Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND thehouse. Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead. Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at thesame time. Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra. Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747. Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a blackhole. Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show. Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry. Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her. Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled"Hey! Stop that Twinkie." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-AidMan." Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its theschool bus. Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, coverher feet like a blanket. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag herass back in the water. Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanketacross Lake Michigan. Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out. Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house thetires pop. Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling. Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!" Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's. Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to fuck her I didn't know if I was hittingthe hole or a roll. Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to fuck her he had to peel too many fatrolls and said "Fuck It." Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out. Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic. Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex. Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck. Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting hergot lost in her. Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought itwas American Airlines biggest jet. Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet. Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair ofshoes. Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three secondswithout getting called for a key violation. Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts. Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees. Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...peoplesay "I didn't know we had mountains." Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips. Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested. Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho." Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate,she got blue prints. Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo. Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if shewas walking or rolling. Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landingon her back. Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide. Yo mama's so big, she reached in her pocket and handed me a CD, a CompactDishwasher. Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burntfrom re-entry. Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One sizefits most" Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to flythey stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes thetide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juicebox because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of thepool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted tomakeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" andshe said "What... does.... yield... mean?" Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was makinga booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yourhouse. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behindit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on theother side. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting. Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey. Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to saygo. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she askedif I had anything written by Bart. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building,but she got lost on the way down. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of thebasement window. Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and"Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bakesale. Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, shesaid "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be abranch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she wasdoing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and shestarted ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster. Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her allday to get Yo family out. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the topdown. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin andthrew it back. Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for theseason." Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, shedrove through the window. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eatfor food." Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobilehome. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on thefloor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in mymouth?" Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order. Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take theKleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked whatcolors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked hertwo front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into anenvelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin'"Free Lays!" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone orderedsmall fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough toblow her nose. Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power aflea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop. Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went andgot toilet paper. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, shesaid "Ok, but what's the teams?" Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said"Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long sheslept. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me DanMarino. Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved todeath. Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd getchange. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard therewas change in the weather. Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rdgrade. Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if Igave her two guesses. Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had threeguesses. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him newones. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fishwith. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the postoffice. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said"I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put"Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling. Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun thatgets paid. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she gotmugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M,F, and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not writebelow the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - sheput Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer becausethere's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts ofwater in the bix. Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in herears. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelledMACY's wrong." Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contactshe put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it soundslike this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guessand she said "Ah Levis?" Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y shesaid "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off. Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because shecouldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yomama's..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight. Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there'sHarry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..." Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece ofwood. Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" becauseshe couldn't read. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors. Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearviewmirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign,she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ranoutside with a spoon. Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd helphis unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around thehome, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishingrod. Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven'tseen the bitch since. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of aclean glass. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door. Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911". Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample. Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner andshe went looking for it. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holidayalbum. Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows athome. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves foryour car. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on herfoot. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a TacoBell commercial. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephonebill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said"Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for agumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing awayall the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs. Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her nameshe said "I think I'll take the physical challenge." Yo mama's so ugly, well.. look at you! Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like you. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, noprofessionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks backshaking it's head. Yo mama's so ugly, when the terminator said "I'll be back" he left running.Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from thecondom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put itout with a track cleat. Yo mama's so ugly, she's uugly. I had to add another u `cause u is uglytoo! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells herto get out. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful ofpardons. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, Ipinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow ran away from her. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What thefuck?!?!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighborschipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, roaches go "Hi mom!" Yo mama's so ugly, she hurt my feelings. Yo mama's so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, her pillow cries at night. Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, people make jokes about her. Yo mama's so ugly, I can't even make a joke out of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it everytime. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit withthe ugly log. Yo mama's so ugly, she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she ran throughthe whole damn forest. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.Yo mama's so ugly, bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn uglytree! Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get thedog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog stillwouldn't play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the bitch dogbiscuits. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, people hang her picture in their cars so their radiosdon't get stolen. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with ajob application. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks forbringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said "Damn, how'dyou get out so fast." Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't come back in. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell they said "There's nothingordinary about it!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went camping, the park ranger was like "HeyYogi!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, I can fuck her in any position and its still doggystyle. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off ofit. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and the police fined her formooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herselfin the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a flavor da bitch would be oogalicious. Yo mama's so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has fourbig toes. Yo mama's so ugly, Medusa is jealous. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yardgym. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birthcontrol! Yo mama's so ugly, she uses her face for birth control. Yo mama's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. Yo mama's so ugly, the Pro-Lifers would make an exception in her case. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on water to get a drink. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with apaycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare Cujo off a meat truck. Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels. Yo mama's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she masterbates she gets arrested for cruelty toanimals. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes onions cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she scares roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keepbreaking. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise.Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be thedream team. Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have tokiss her good-bye. Yo mama's so ugly, when Yo father is having sex with her he puts two bagson her head in case one of them breaks. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd ratherkiss her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What atreasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on thecouch face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her and herparents. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked everyone. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then herface, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor smacked her face. Yo mama's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass. Yo mama's so ugly, she pretends SHE's someone else when she's having sex.Yo mama's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. Yo mama's so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.Yo mama's so ugly, your real pops could only be a fuckin' dog. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hitby a train. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled"rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull. Yo mama?s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she?d get the electric chair.Yo mama's so ugly, she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it. Yo mama's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out forStar Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her facestopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picturewould be next to it. Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty. Yo mama's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to buryher. Yo mama's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on thetable and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off thesurveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator withtinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said"Twins." Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, Yo dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, you could stick her face in dough and make monstercookies. Yo mama's so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangeredelephant. Yo mama's so damn ugly and desperate, she did Winnie the Pooh and Tigertoo. Yo mama's such an ugly bitch, she has a sign in her yard that says "Bewareof Dog." Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with aslingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, she can stand on the front porch and count the chickensin the back. When Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can causedoctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone's. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book. Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, when the police asked her for her ID, she gave them arock. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on theBlock. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo mama's so old, she owes Moses a quarter. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flickthe switch. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other sidefishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, her birthday expired. Yo mama's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs. Yo mama's so old, she got slapped by Eve for blowing Adam. Yo mama's so old, she took friendship pictures with Adam & Eve. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade. Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. Yo mama's so old & ugly, her name is Ape. Yo mama's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started tofight. Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he toldher to move her fat ass out of the way. Yo mama's so old, she watches PBS. Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus. Yo mama's so old, she's got a pair of Air Moses sneakers. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, when I slapped her on the back her tits fell off. Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles. Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles. Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws aright, a right, and another right." Yo mama has so many fat rolls that she has to screw her pants on. Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand. Yo mama has 3 eyes and they call her "Eye-eye-eye." Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo mama's has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers. Yo mama has a `fro with landing lights. Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo mama has a moustache and they call her Bob. Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo mama has no legs, no arms, and no eyes but she's still the one for me.Yo mama has no arms and bought a vest. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Drill-Bit. Yo mama has one tooth and they call her Chopper One. Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip. Yo mama has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out aSugar Daddy. Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper. Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo mama has so much hair on her chest, her tits look like coconuts. Yo mama has so much dandruff, a fly landed on her head and said "Damn, Ihaven't seen this much snow in years." Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like itsthrowin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue isin jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardwarestore. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe thatshit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dentalinsurance. When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kicka field goal. Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns intolemonade. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testingbutter scotch. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he toldher to smile. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybodysaid "I see the light!" Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it wascorn. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the YellowBrick Road. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in hermouth. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a KraftSingles pack. Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavitycreeps. Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr.Ed. Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed itto death. Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give mea bite." Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.Yo mama's so black, every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on. Yo mama's so black, if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn intocoffee. Yo mama's so black, she bleeds smoke. Yo mama's so black, she could show up naked to a funeral. Yo mama's so black, when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like acheese burger. Yo mama's so black, she drinks water and pees coffee. Yo mama's so black, her ass looks like two tires. Yo mama's so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo mama's so black, she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo mama's so black, she makes night look like day. Yo mama's so black, she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars.Yo mama's so black, when she goes outside street lights turn on. Yo mama's so black, she got her tattoo done in chalk. Yo mama's so black, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime. Yo mama's so black, when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she hason patent leather pants. Yo mama's so black, when the police shot at her the bullets came back forflashlights. Yo mama's so black, when you go swimming it looks like an oil spill. Yo mama's so black, when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear whitegloves to keep from chewing her fingers off. Yo mama's so black, if she had a red light she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tintedwindows. Yo mama's so black, when she smiles at night she looks like floatingChicklets. Yo mama's so black, when she spits, ink comes out her mouth. Yo mama's so black, if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper. Yo mama's so black, her nickname is evening. Yo mama's so black, she makes asphalt look grey. Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo.Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if thatrubber breaks, your ass is dead. Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents youcan get a slurpy. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she getsdumped. Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. Yo mama's like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, fast, easy and free! Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, balls are always popping out of her mouth. Yo mama's like a Mr. Bucket, I can always put my balls in her mouth. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eather. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on anystreet corner. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, andguys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Discover card, she gives cash back. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn herup, down, on, and off. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. Yo mama's like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit threefingers in. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. Yo mama's like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown downthe gutter, and she still comes back for more. Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a fan, she's always blowing someone. Yo mama's like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobodycan remember all the fathers. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like Blockbuster Video, everyone goes home happy. Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send heraway. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laidby Mexicans. Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers. Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Yo mama's like a shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded. Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a f
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Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people whowon't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people intowalls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him backbefore anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.Holodeck----------For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.Sex with Aliens--------------------According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien----------------------------------------------Me: May I touch that?Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.Phasers---------I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.Officer: Well, okay. Move along.I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.Cyborgs---------Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.Shields---------I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.Shopping with Shields Up--------------------------------Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!Me: Try it. My shields are up.Saleswoman: Damn!Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.Me: Nice try.Long-Range Sensors------------------------If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.Vulcan Death Grip----------------------Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but ...
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Six Bad Days1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.And finally...6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?
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161. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper162. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.163. Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.164. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.165. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A: The Blonde!166. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered.167. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.168. Q: Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Season"169. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'170. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter.171. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.172. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.173. Q: What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other? A: An air mattress.174. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.175. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ? A: Sweet Fuck All...176. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.177. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles.178. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes.179. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.180. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.
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"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers."The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars."When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -- Everett Dirksen"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste""If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEMFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something shedislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doingsomething she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add thedecorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpledsheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out asuspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise andit's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it'ssomething....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's herfather...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace thetoilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll isbarren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out youshuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 Youstay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegedrinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6Tiffany has implants...-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out todinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it'sall-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of yourfavorite team...-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forgetyour anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the busstation...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouringrain dissolves her leg cast...-60A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal ishappily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives aMustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You misscurfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoyingfriend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie shelikes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to amovie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said itwas a foreign film about orphans...-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy herflowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give herwildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contractsLyme disease...-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop anoticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You developa noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiianshirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have onetoo"....-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized modelairplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mothertell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end upgetting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end upgetting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad partof town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You knowthem...-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitivequestions always start with a deficit) You hesitate inresponding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wantsto talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for morethan 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this isbecause you've fallen asleep...-20
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3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
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