what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection
Blonde Jokes

This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."
Blonde Jokes

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
Blonde Jokes

What do a blonde and a screen door have in common? The more you bang them the looser they get. What is the difference inbetween a blonde and a brick? The brick only gets layed once. What do a blonde and spaghetti have in common? The more you eat them the more they wiggle.
Blonde Jokes

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to > > take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was > > very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for > > the highly prized shoes. > > > > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of > > one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just > > go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a > > decent price!" > > > > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just > go and give it a try, why don'cha!" > > The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"
Blonde Jokes

What do turtles and blondes have in common? If they're on their back, they're screwed!
Blonde Jokes

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Blonde Jokes

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
Blonde Jokes

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.She hears: ?Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
Blonde Jokes

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Blonde Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.A4: You don't eat your bowling ball.
Blonde Jokes

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?A:Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Blonde Jokes

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."
Blonde Jokes

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami! Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline! Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?" Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What do blondes say after sex?A: "Thanks, guys!"
Blonde Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Blonde Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone.Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met.Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Blonde Jokes

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?A: An IN-body experience!Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper.Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?A: Cause their balls show! Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?A: It's the only car name they can spell. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduces herself. Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?A: Locking the car door.
Blonde Jokes

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead."There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette."No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?""What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"
Blonde Jokes

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?A: She drops her nail-file Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?A: Data transfer.Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?A: A wine cellar. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?A: Peroxide. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Blonde Jokes

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies."I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." "But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch.""Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?""Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?""Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
Blonde Jokes

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?A: Because she didn't know which one came first!Q: How can you confuse a blonde?A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?A: Alone. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A: Nothing, they never met.Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?A: Because the blondes couldn't manage it either. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?A: A Golden retriever! Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts? A: Change! Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know which day of the week it is. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week! Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?A: Gifted. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted! Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?A: She threw out all the W's
Blonde Jokes

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Blonde Jokes

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her."How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Blonde Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Blonde Jokes

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny.b) Bill Gates IV.c) Mozilla and Dotcom. What's a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.c) Something you plug into a modem. Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!c) I had a wonderful day :-) You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:a) Visit the washroom.b) Raid the fridge.c) Check your E-mail. What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.b) Hulking stars of the WWF.c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it.b) Check out the Yellow Pages.c) Go to Yahoo! When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer.b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I'm Jane!b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself.b) What's your star sign?c) What's your Profile? If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What's your E-mail address?c) Let's chat Private. When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can.b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.c) I mailbomb all spammers! When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don't need another mug coaster.b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper.b) Open Eudora.c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing.b) Underline and double-strike.c) Bold and italic. You correct errors using:a) An eraser.b) White-out.c) Backspace or delete. You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith.b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.b) Take it to the photocopier.c) Check your Sent Mail folder.SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
Computer Jokes

What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.
Dirty Jokes

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
Dirty Jokes

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How ya doing?"She then wiggled her backside and walked off."Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife."Er- just a woman I met professionally." stammered the doctor."Oh yeah?" his wife snarled. "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"
Doctor Jokes

Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.
Men Jokes

Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?So men can understand them!
Men Jokes

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"The barman says, "Yep, that's them."So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?""Why kill a blonde with big tits?"Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Political Jokes

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical duringintermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I knowprofessionally."Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
At Work

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"
At Work

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay."637", said the blonde.The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain."I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?
Blonds

51 DAYSA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door burstsopen and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order fivebottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at alarge table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begintoasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondesarrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raisingthe roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in witha picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in themiddle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing aroundthe table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51days!"The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to thetable. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of theCookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asksone of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondesare dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side ofthe box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! "
Blonds

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Blonds

What do you call a blonde with white eyes?full up......Sent by Rob
Blonds

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Blonds

Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with ablonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some foodto replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milkand right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still prettyhot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blondewalks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
Blonds

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette saidthat her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Headand Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders?"
Blonds

Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders.Because they can never keep two calves together.
Blonds

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...' The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'
Blonds

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery?A Slipodictomy.
Blonds

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Blonds

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Blonds

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Blonds

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Blonds

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
Blonds

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.
Blonds

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.
Blonds

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
Blonds

At the Doctor's... -A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. -The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." -Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." -Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" -"Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
Blonds

A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Blonds

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
Blonds

This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat ofhis car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you wantto move to the back seat?"She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'dbe lonely back there!"
Blonds

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered theelevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Blonds

I was shopping at our local supermarket.When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead ofme.As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,"Paper or plastic?""It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
Blonds

This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. Sheasks the clerk if they have any new and different cards -- somethingunusual. The clerk points her to a new card just in that day -- "HappyBirthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry."The blonde replied, "How cool! I'll take the whole box!"
Blonds

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had nolessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and thenhorse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady andrhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from thesaddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to geta firm grip.She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides downthe side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seeminglyimpervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, sheleaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is nowat the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is batteredagainst the ground again and again. She is mere moments away fromunconsciousness when........ ........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Blonds

What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?Pull the pin and throw it back.
Blonds

How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Blonds

Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it.
Blonds

What do you call a blonde lesbian? A waste.
Blonds

Why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam? She wasn't used to the front seat! Why did she finally pass her test? She took the examiner with her.
Blonds

What do a moped and a blonde have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Blonds

How are a blonde's legs like cheese wiz? They're both useless unless they're spread!
Blonds

How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear.
Blonds

How do you change a blonde's mind? Buy her another beer.
Blonds

How do you confuse a blonde?Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.How do you confuse her even more?Ask her where she went.Sent by Chris
Blonds

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."
Blonds

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? Finger on chin I don't know. Hits forehead Oh I get it!
Blonds

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
Blonds

How do you drownd a blonde???You place a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.Sent by L&S
Blonds

Why does a blonde girl always have a bruise around her belly button???Cause blonde boys aren't that smart either.
Blonds

One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was athermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hotand cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it towork one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said whatis that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What doesit do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you havein it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it.Sent by Tom
Blonds

What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Blonds

How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!
Blonds

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read 'DisneyLand Left.' So they went home.
Blonds

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
Blonds

Why do blondes use so much shampoo? The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT
Blonds

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the M&Ms.
Blonds

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.The interviewer decides to start with the basics.'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers forabout 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward oneto break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuringtape from her handbag. She then traps one endunder her foot and extends the tape to the top ofher head. She checks the measurement and announces,'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes forthe real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for ourrecords, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for abouttwenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, sohe asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understandyour counting on your fingers to work out your age, andthe measuring tape for your height is obvious, but whatwere you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me runningthrough 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
Blonds

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them!
Blonds

What's a blonde's mating call? I think I'm drunk.
Blonds

Q: Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator? A: Because The organe Juice said concentrate
Blonds

What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car? Dual air bags!
Blonds

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into thecoke machine at a large Vegas casino. She keptpunching the buttons only to have happen what you'dexpect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,and change too! After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so wentand got more. Back at it she went, blocking the wayto the other vending machines with the mounting pileof soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to theyoung lady. People were starting to gather, seeing this beautifulwoman enthusiastically plugging money in like it wasfun. The people were gathering more though waiting theirturn at the machines. After watching a while, someone asked from the rear ofthe group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'mwinning here?'
Blonds

What is a Blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Hump me dump me
Blonds

There are three 3rd Grade girls, a blonde, a brunnett, and a red-head.Q. Which one is the tallest?A. The blonde -- she is 18 years old!
Blonds

What do spaghetti and blondes have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them!Sent by Sonia
Blonds

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.""Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again."Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?""Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Blonds

There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home. When theygot about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no ideaway use your imagination). The three girls jump off and swimto a nearby island. After being there a few days the brunettetries to swim to shore. She gets about five miles off theisland's shore and drowns. After a few days pass the redhead decidesthat she will try. She gets about have way and drowns. Nowrealizing all her friends are gone she decides to try too. Now sheswims for hours. She gets to where she can see the shore but sheis so tired she decieds to turn around and go back.Sent by Evan
Blonds

What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap??Ho Ho HoSent by Adam
Blonds

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like semen."The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says "It smells like semen." The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, "It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."
Blonds

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar.""Let me look." said the other one. So she handed her the compact.The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one."You dumbass -- that's ME!
Blonds

Two blondes were walking through the woods and theycame to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued and were still arguing whenthe train hit them.
Blonds

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde? The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Blonds

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE STANDING ON HER HEAD?A BRUNETTE WITH BAD BREATH!Sent by C?M
Blonds

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?All you can eat for under a buck.
Blonds

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.The doctor asked her what had happened to herears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirtand the phone rang - but instead of picking upthe phone I accidentally picked up the ironand stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief."But. what happened to your other ear?""The son of a bitch called back."
Blonds

A police officer arrives at an accident scene whereapparently three blondes have leaped to their deathfrom a very tall building... he suddenly notices thatone is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:"why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap outof that building?"The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted totry out our new maxi-pads with wings"...
Blonds

How can you tell if a FAX was sent by a blonde? It has a stamp on it.
Blonds

What is six inches long, has a bald head, anddrives blondes crazy? A hundred dollar bill.
Blonds

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? Hey! There's some things even a blonde won't do.
Blonds

What are the worst 3 years of a blondes life?The 1st grade.
Blonds

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A mobile sperm bank.
Blonds

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into alumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office andsaid, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meanttwo-by-fours.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better gocheck."After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,"A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Blonds

(Q) Why don't blondes use vibrators? (A) Because they are scared they might chip thier teeth!!!Sent by T.L.Glenn
Blonds

Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?The blonde - she is eighteen.
Blonds

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Blonds

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off the horse.Sent by Marge
Blonds

Q. Why was the female blonde confused whilst going to the ladies toilet??A. She had to pull her own pants downSent by sam
Blonds

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain."I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman."Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told thesalesman, "I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied."Darn, he recognized me," she thought.She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and newcolor, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman."Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?""Because that's a microwave," he replied.Sent by Ace
Blonds

One blonde to another...Have you ever read Shakespeare?No. Who wrote it?
Blonds

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. Thedoctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this wasan obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commitsuicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait aminute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruinit. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait aminute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want toruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait aminute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! Sothen I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this isgoing to be loud!"
Blonds

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?A retarded ape.
Blonds

A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical."What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked."My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees."No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!"
Blonds

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been working on the computer?A: There is white out on the screen
Blonds

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that theblonde behind the wheel was knitting.The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to thedriver--"PULL OVER!""NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
Blonds

(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visualfirst, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it) Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands alsostretched wide open.Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (usevisual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!
Blonds

What does a blonde say after sex? Thanks Guys.
Blonds

And more on blondes...Q: But why do brunettes take the pill? A: Wishful Thinking.
Blonds

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Blonds

A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Blonds

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland -- "Left", so they turned around and went home.
Blonds

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?To open windows
Blonds

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky.
Blonds

Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Blonds

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED? A: Who cares?
Blonds

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
Blonds

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?Data transfer.
Blonds

Why did the blonde go half way to Sweden and then turn around and come home?It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Blonds

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Blonds

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend,"Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"
Blonds

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Blonds

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked:"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Blonds

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.Please tell me how you did this!"The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"
Blonds

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Blonds

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire. They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, big red truck?!."
Blonds

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says "yes, no, yes, no....."
Blonds

What do you call a blonde that just came out of the closet?The Hide and Seek champion of 1992.
Blonds

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"
Blonds

I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, thinkabout it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handlesby now?
Blonds

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!Sent by Tiggsy
Blonds

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreadseasy!
Blonds

What is the smartest blonde?A golden retriever
Blonds

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?A Frosted Flake.
Blonds

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients arecomplaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I didthe next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm drivingaround, my zip code keeps changing."
Blonds

How do you break a blonde's nose?Place a dildo under a glass table!
Blonds

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?Translator.
Blonds

How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at thesame time and still know which one to spit out.
Blonds

Why do blondes like blonde jokes?It makes them feel popular.
Blonds

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
Blonds

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Blonds

Moon MissionNASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.""Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.""Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?""Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.""That's right. Over and out."They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage."Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.""Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.""OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?""Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.""That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again."Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?""Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.""Kiki, do you remember your instructions?""Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."
Blonds

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloody goalie."Sent by Gerald
Blonds

Two TouristsTwo tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
Blonds

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
Blonds

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what herdad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait fora snow plow and follow it."Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. Shefollowed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver ofthe truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained thather dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow aplow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parkinglot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
Blonds

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something shehasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adultvideo.She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while,selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,and puts the tape in the VCR.To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so shecalls the video store to complain."I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tapebut static," she says."Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Whichtitle did you rent?" the clerk replies."Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
Blonds

Buying A BullTwo sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need topurchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide tobuy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decidesshe does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send hersister a telegram to tell her the news.She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send atelegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out hereso we can haul it home."The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, thenadds, "It's just 99 cents a word."Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. Sherealizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you tosend her the word, 'comfortable.'"The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to knowthat you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and driveout here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?"The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.""She'll read it very slow."
Blonds

What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?The shower has to be turned on before it gets wet.
Blonds

Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.
Blonds

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?Elvis has been sighted.
Blonds

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?Well, the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Blonds

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a signon it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Blonds

Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to them, "Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!"The girls stop and look at each other. "Well I suppose we could always eat the third one!"
Blonds

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?To see what was on the other side.
Blonds

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?Because the runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide.
Blonds

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?The back of her head.
Blonds

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?She missed.
Blonds

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?It takes too long to retrain them.
Blonds

Why did the blonde return her new scarf?It was too tight.
Blonds

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! IfI get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jumpoff this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I getburritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bolognasandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef andcabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw aburrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaand jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd knownhow really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would havegiven it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I couldhave given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos somuch."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Blonds

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports carand was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through herpurse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked.The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. "Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Blonds

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson'sdreams every night??A: Hansons.
Celebrities

Who's got long blonde hair and big tits,and lives in Melbourne, Australia? Salman Rushdie.
Celebrities

The Numbers of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.But did you know that:660 - Approximate number of the BeastDCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast0.666 - Number of the Millibeast/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast1010011010 - Binary of the Beast6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast1-666 - Area code of the Beast00666 - Zip code of the Beast1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the BeastPhillips 666 - Gasoline of the BeastRoute 666 - Way of the Beast666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast666k - Retirement plan of the Beast666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the BeastWord 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beasti66686 - CPU of the Beast666i - BMW of the BeastDSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
Computers

The PC Manifesto V3.0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit." - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC PRIMER ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS -------- ----------- cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don't worry, that's not important. Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I DON'T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term" ------------------ ---------------- Black - African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental - Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian - Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!) Chicano - Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash - PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations) Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl - Pre-Womyn Housewife - Domestic Engineer Fireman - Firefighter Stewardess - Flight Attendant Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man - Post Person Mail Man - Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute - Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children Handicapped - Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind - Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf - Visually Oriented) Poor - Economically Unprepared Bum - Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter - Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper Whaler - Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged Bald - Comb-Free Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf - Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People - Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist Logger - Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted - People of Mass - Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East - Asia Censorship - Selective Speech B.C. - B.C.E. Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books - Recycled Books Berkeley - Mecca Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult - Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury Gang - Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China - Porcelain Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) --------------------------------- These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable" READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
Computers

Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________Address (where you live):Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________Birthdate(yours):____________________Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )(Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( ) Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( ) Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( ) Inhaled( )Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
Ethnic

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.So the Italian shot her.
Ethnic

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with asign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How inthe world does that fit in here?"So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sittingin the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this placeget a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man answers "Is name of owner."The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?""I am he," answers the old man."You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, Iwas standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of mewas big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" Hesay, " Hans Olaffsen." She look at me say, "What your name?" I say,"Sam Ting."
Ethnic

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Ethnic

Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife. Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear ?" Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God !" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed !"
Relationships

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon. The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see." A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?" The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."
Relationships

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to gointo the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
Situations

|A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?""Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
Sport Jokes

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.""What a diamond!""How lucky you are!""Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?""Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
Relationships

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Miscellaneous

Valentine's Day Story John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
Miscellaneous

What is the difference between a blonde and Dennis Rodman?There is no difference.
Miscellaneous

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
Religion

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised whenconfronted by a room full of beautiful blondes andkegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this isreally hell, and what was so bad about the place."Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes inthe bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
Religion

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive mefor I have sinned."The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?""I lusted," the fellow replied."Tell me about it," the priest said.The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliverymanfor UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluentsection of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened andthere stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Shehad long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressedin a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,she asked if I would like to come in.""And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest."Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how Ilusted," replied the man."Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will getyour reward in heaven, my son.""A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"the fellow asked.The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,you jackass."
Religion

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
Situations

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from themen's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hairisn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black." The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor'sfingers. "What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetlyand said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? Andthey've only been banged once."
Situations

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she wasfar too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she wasalso too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happenedto have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and hadthe time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back thenext day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a blackcondom.Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must weara black condom? The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead."
Situations

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied,"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
Situations

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said,"Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
Sex

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night.""OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?""Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too.""I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?""Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
Sex

Different sex outcomesBrunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"Blonde after sex: "Next!"Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."
Sex

What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette? Well about 15 minutes!
Women

Why do men like blonde jokes?? Because they can understand them.
Men

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife wereshopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man'soldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceousblonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wifelike that?"The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"
Elderly

|A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.""The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'""So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.""Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.""No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?""Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
Bar Jokes

|A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Blonde Jokes

|One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Blonde Jokes

|Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Blonde Jokes

|Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her."How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Blonde Jokes

|A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
Blonde Jokes

|Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Blonde Jokes

|Do you realize what I am?A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?""Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Blonde Jokes

|There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
Blonde Jokes

|There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Blonde Jokes

|Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?Blonde: Yes.Operator: The power in the house in on?Blonde: Of course.Operator: And the switch is on?Blonde: Yes, yes.Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?Blonde: No, it's working fine.Operator: Then what's the problem?Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Blonde Jokes

|Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."The first said, "I wish I were smarter."So, she became a redhead.The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."She became a brunette.The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"So, she became a man.
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Blonde Jokes

|Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
Blonde Jokes

|There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them."If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed."You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head."I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde."You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde."I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed."I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.The pope told the brunette to take the last one.The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.""Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?""No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening."I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Blonde Jokes

|BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Blonde Jokes

|Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."Bartender:"What is a B and C?".Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."Bartender: "What's a G and T?"Redhead: "Gin and tonic."Blonde: "I'll have a 15."Bartender: "What's a 15?"Blonde: "7 and 7"
Blonde Jokes

|A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
Blonde Jokes

|A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Blonde Jokes

|A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Blonde Jokes

|A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: Do you know where you were going?Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Blonde Jokes

|On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Blonde Jokes

|A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Blonde Jokes

|Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Blonde Jokes

|A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blonde Jokes

|Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?A: To avoid the draft.Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?A: Trying to hold on to a thought.Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?A: They don't know the route.Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Blonde Jokes

|Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that.""Comfortable?" the guy questions."Yes, you see she reads slow."
Blonde Jokes

|A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Aviation Jokes

|Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Aviation Jokes

|A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
Aviation Jokes

|An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Aviation Jokes

|A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Police Jokes

|A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver."Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Police Jokes

|A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
Police Jokes

|A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Police Jokes

|A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it."This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?""That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Police Jokes

|Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Police Jokes

|A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
Police Jokes

|My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
Computing Jokes

|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Mixed Jokes

|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Gender Jokes

|How to be politically correct with womenShe is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Gender Jokes

|A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?""Ten years!", he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Sport Jokes

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her."I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition.You have to have sex with me when I ask."She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!""No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
Miscellaneous

Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep."The farmer says "OK".The brunette says "485".The farmer says "that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back".the brunette says "OK".The farmer says "blonde".The brunette says how did you know.The farmer says you just picked the dog.
Miscellaneous

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde...yeah right...1.Who do want to be most like in life:A.Vanna WhiteB.Michelle FieferC.Britney SpearsE.None of the Above2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:A.Run when you see the seekerB.Stay hiding until the seeker finds youC.Run when the seeker sees youE.Follow the seeker quietly3.What happens when you get Alzheimers DiseaseA.You loose alot of weightB.Gain weightC.Get really smartD.Loose your memory4.How do you kill a bird:A.Hit itB.Throw it off a buildingC.Cook itD.All of the above5.What's an important question about pregnancyA.Is it mineB.How far along am IC.Is it a boy or girlD.What hospital should I go to for deliveryDon't read them this part:Results:1.A=5pts.B=3pts.C=2pts.D=1pt.2.A=4B=5C=2D=33.A=4B=3C=5D=14.A=3B=5C=4D=15.A=5B=1C=3D=2TOTAL:20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde
Miscellaneous

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror."I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar." And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think Im the smartest person in this bar." And she gets a million dollars.Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think..." POOF! She disappears.
Miscellaneous

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
Miscellaneous

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."
Miscellaneous

Q: Why don't blondes double their recipes?A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?A: From eating with forks.
Miscellaneous

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...""Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,"What is Easter?"The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously."Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Miscellaneous

Women One Liners1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.12. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Miscellaneous

|OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribblingOLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz offOLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tiresOLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment awayOLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye awayOLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figuresOLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-printOLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutterOLD BRAKES never die, they just grind downOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesseOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat acesOLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibusteredOLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste awayOLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal awayOLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated
Elderly Jokes

|WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Dumb Jokes

|It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went."Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter."Did it not taste good?" her mother asked."I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
Festival Jokes

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Miscellaneous

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we?ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.
Miscellaneous

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding. Officer: May i see your licence? Lady: what does it look like? Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it. The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Miscellaneous

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Miscellaneous

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Miscellaneous

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Miscellaneous

There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"..." Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?" The brunette replies, "Just counting." The blonde says, "May I join you?" "Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying," ..." A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
Miscellaneous

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I?ve ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of her life. She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.
Miscellaneous

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
Miscellaneous

A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first? The dumb blonde because smart blondes don't exist.
Miscellaneous

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, ?Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!?
Miscellaneous

A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"
Miscellaneous

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."
Miscellaneous

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Miscellaneous

Q: Did you hear about the blonde man that locked his keys in his car? A: Took him an hour to get his family out w/ a coat hanger.
Miscellaneous

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde. "I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking." "What does it say about me?" asked the blonde. "It says you want to sleep with me." said the man. "Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken." "Hmmm," said the man slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."
Miscellaneous

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"
Miscellaneous

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the blonde coyote? She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.
Miscellaneous

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before." She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
Miscellaneous

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Miscellaneous

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
Miscellaneous

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Her boyfriend was also blonde.
Miscellaneous

One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't. "I have made a new discovery!" the blonde cried. "When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!"
Miscellaneous

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc. Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected. She wrote, "YES."
Miscellaneous

What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home? He moved ten miles away.
Miscellaneous

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts? Change.
Miscellaneous

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Miscellaneous

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Miscellaneous

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two... The red head said, "I am going to be the first woman to land on mars." The brunette said, "I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn." The blonde said, "I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun." "How are you going to do that", the other two asked. "Simple", said the blonde. "I'll go at night!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Miscellaneous

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive.
Miscellaneous

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Miscellaneous

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo." Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo." "Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."
Miscellaneous

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. "Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat. "Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" she replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I?ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I?ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The blonde pinned the note to the kid?s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Miscellaneous

One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Miscellaneous

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.. ..the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
Miscellaneous

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.
Miscellaneous

A blonde reports for his University's final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"
Miscellaneous

There was this bartender and he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes and they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!" One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why are you chanting 44 days?" She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"
Miscellaneous

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Miscellaneous

A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, "What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper." "Just use the copier machine paper," replied the other secretary. With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.
Miscellaneous

A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red. "What happened?" he asked. "I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear," she replied. "Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?" he asked. She frowned and replied "The jerk rang back!"
Miscellaneous

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?" "No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
Miscellaneous

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."
Miscellaneous

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Miscellaneous

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
Miscellaneous

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question: "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know!" "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some ." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Miscellaneous

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Miscellaneous

A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Miscellaneous

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette were watching the news and they had someone on who was about to jump off a building. The brunette says "I bet u he will jump." The blonde says "ok". Later on he jumps. When the brunette is leaving she says "I can't take your money, I saw it happen already on the 5 o'clock news." The blonde says "I did too but i didn't think he would jump again."
Miscellaneous

has does a blonde have safe sex? She locks the car door.
Miscellaneous

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner. When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!" The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk. Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
Miscellaneous

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!" He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Miscellaneous

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!"
Miscellaneous

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"
Miscellaneous

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries? Under "Home Improvements."
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you do when you notice a blonde on the street? Ans: Nothing. Do they exist?
Miscellaneous

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. Q: How do you drown a blond? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE? A: Hair transplants. Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE? A: Third Grade.
Miscellaneous

A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles. The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so. About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says, "Did you ever sell your car?" "No," says the blonde. "Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it."
Miscellaneous

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
Miscellaneous

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in handicapped zones.
Miscellaneous

Why did the blonde get fired from her job working at an MandM factory? She kept throwing out all of the W's!
Miscellaneous

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as '' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
Miscellaneous

A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
Miscellaneous

How does a blonde change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Miscellaneous

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? "You can change those things?!"
Miscellaneous

Why can't the blonde put in a light bulb? Shey kept breaking them with the hammer.
Miscellaneous

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger." The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."
Miscellaneous

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"
Miscellaneous

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue!
Miscellaneous

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Miscellaneous

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row? Donna: I dunno. How? Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row. Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Miscellaneous

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?" The redhead says, yes it is. The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky". The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart." The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
Miscellaneous

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
Miscellaneous

Why are the so smart? They don?t have any blondes.
Miscellaneous

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Miscellaneous

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important." "Well, who was it?" "The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Miscellaneous

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES: The water-proof towel Glow in the dark sunglasses Solar powered flashlight Submarine screen door A book on how to read Inflatable dart board A dictionary index Powdered water Pedal powered wheel chair Water proof tea bags Zero proof alcohol Reusable ice cubes Skinless bananas Do it yourself roadmap
Miscellaneous

What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer? Frosted flakes.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in the blonde's freezer? A: She forgot the recipe.
Miscellaneous

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called , only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?
Miscellaneous

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Miscellaneous

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
Miscellaneous

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate MandMs? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find MandM shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an MandM factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the MandM factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet
Miscellaneous

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the . How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
Miscellaneous

Why do blondes wear earmuffs? To avoid the draft.
Miscellaneous

Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them." "I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
Miscellaneous

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Miscellaneous

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps. The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
Miscellaneous

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Miscellaneous

Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't know. Neither did he.
Miscellaneous

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... she called me to get my phone number. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. she tried to put MandM's in alphabetical order. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. she tried to drown a fish. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she tripped over a cordless phone. she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she studied for a blood test. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Miscellaneous

A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump. When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete. When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away. When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first? The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Miscellaneous

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".
Miscellaneous

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
Miscellaneous

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait Bimbag - a blonde's purse Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her Bimboette - a young blonde Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes Bimboozle - to fool a blonde Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence Bimbozo - another name for a blonde Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Miscellaneous

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Miscellaneous

What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Miscellaneous

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
Miscellaneous

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
Miscellaneous

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Miscellaneous

Slow out of the gate. Smarter than the average bear. Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney. So boring, his dreams have Muzak. So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him. So dumb, he faxes face up. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal. So fat, people jump over him rather than go around. So slow, he has to speed up to stop. So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress. So stupid, he tries to drown fish. So stupid, mind readers charge her half price. So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards. Some Assembly Required. Some bugs in his software. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Some of her inodes have nodded off. Some pages missing. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue. Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check. Someday when she's younger... Someone blew out his pilot light. Someone else is doing the driving for that boy. Someone let the air out of her lock. Sort of like an inverse Einstein. Source code is missing a few lines. Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
Miscellaneous

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)." The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?" The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
Miscellaneous

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'
Miscellaneous

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!
Miscellaneous

2 BLONDES WALK INTO A BUILDING..... WOULDN'T YOU THINK AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT??
Miscellaneous

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
Miscellaneous

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.
Miscellaneous

Day1:A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"Mum replies: "yes dear"Day 2:"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"Mum replies: "yes dear"Day 3:"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.
Miscellaneous

The angry preacher...The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"No one moved.The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet.Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke."Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
Miscellaneous

The Tearful Bride...A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.""Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.""No, mother," you don't understand."I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!""Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom."Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.""No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.""Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?""Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"
Miscellaneous

The phone call...A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"And his lovely wife replies, "I don't any idea who it was.It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Miscellaneous

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.The interviewer starts with the basics."So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice."And can you tell us your height, please?"The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?""Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead..." I was just running through that song -'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "
Miscellaneous

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?""Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train.""Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?""I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Miscellaneous

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...The 45th bus just went by!"
Miscellaneous

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door."Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?""I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
Miscellaneous

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease."Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?""That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.""What sort of question would you ask Doctor?""Well, you might ask them...""Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.Which one?"The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?""I must confess I don't know much about history."(DOH!)
Miscellaneous

Thoughts From Women About Being A WomanThe hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.* Helen Hayes (at 73)I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.* Janette BarberThings are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.* Lily TomlinA male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.* Carrie SnowOld age ain't no place for sissies.* Bette DavisIf you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.* Catherine AirdA man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.* Rhonda HansomeThe phrase "working mother" is redundant.* Jane SellmanWhatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.* Charlotte WhittonThirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.* Caryn LeschenWhoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.* Jan KingI try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.* Jennifer UnlimitedWhen I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!* Kathy BuckleyI'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.* Dolly PartonYou see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.* Erica JongIf high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.* Sue GraftonLaugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.* Laurie KuslanskyI think - therefore I'm single.* Lizz WinsteadYou know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.* Geri JewellWhen women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.* Elayne BooslerBehind every successful man is a surprised woman.* Maryon PearsonIn politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman.* Margaret ThatcherI have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.* Gloria SteinemI never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.* Marie CorelliIf men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?* Linda EllerbeeNobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.* Eleanor Roosevelt
Miscellaneous

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:"Will it take ME?"============10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?9) Is lighter fluid flammable?8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?7) Are knives sharp?6) Can sharks hurt a human?5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?3) Can I go through a brick wall?2) Can dogs talk?1) Are blondes really dumb?
Miscellaneous

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist."I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."-------------The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:"Parking for drive-through customers only!"-------------
Miscellaneous

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
Miscellaneous

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.Doctor: What was your dream about?Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?Blonde: I was running in a hall way.Doctor: Then what happened?Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?Blonde: Yes it did.Doctor: And what did these letter spell?Blonde: It said "Pull"
Miscellaneous

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''------------------A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''The blond yelled at the doctor...''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''------------------A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing."I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.""Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Miscellaneous

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A. Ask your mother.Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. Wiped his ass.Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?A. Spitting, swallowing and garglingQ. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?A. You know she'll swallow.Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?A. No one to talk to during orgasm.Q. What do you call a smart blonde?A. A golden retriever.Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A. A mechanic!Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?A. The one with the dirty knees.Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A. A battery has a positive side.Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?A. The blonde, because she's 18.Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sexA. "Honey, I'm home!"Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Q. How can you tell a macho women?A. She rolls her own tampons.Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?A: Hair balls.Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?A: Crust.Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Miscellaneous

**********************************************Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. ********************************************** Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!" ********************************************** Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A. Her blinker was on. ********************************************** Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion. ********************************************** Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves? A. She fell out of the tree ******************************************** Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye? A. Shine a flashlight in her ear. ******************************************** Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow? A. So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits. ********************************************** Q. How do blonde brain cells die? A. Alone. ********************************************
Miscellaneous

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
Miscellaneous

What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?A blonde doing cartwheels!
Miscellaneous

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.She called it Harrybutt.She had a child and named in Crack.She lost Crack and couldn't find him.So she called the police and said, " I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!"
Miscellaneous

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead. They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be poo head destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the not head one at a time. First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her. Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her. They didn't like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!
Miscellaneous

One day A Blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. 5 minutes later she checked it again this happened all through the day till the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was."My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
Miscellaneous

How do you make a blonde go crazy?Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!
Miscellaneous

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."
Miscellaneous

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who landed in the water first?The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Miscellaneous

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW", and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat." He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, "ROOF, ROOF", the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!" Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde creams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"The librarian looks up and calmly remarks -"So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
Miscellaneous

The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."No one moved.The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke."Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Miscellaneous

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.The first blonde gets very nervous.Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down."No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"
Miscellaneous

One night a Blond Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her."My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish.""Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways.""There must be something you would have of me," said God."Well, there is one thing," she said."Just name it," said God."It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.""Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans.But surely there is something that I could do just for you.""There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun."Name it. Please," said God."It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"
Miscellaneous

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:---------------------------------Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50Hand Job $10.00---------------------------------Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men."Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?""I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?""Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic."Everything ok with your car now?""Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies."Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?""Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Miscellaneous

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.The Blonde team rides on the top level.The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.The Brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says..."Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Miscellaneous

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway26. Illiterate? Write For Help27. Honk If Anything Falls Off28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.44. Ax Me About Ebonics45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel46. Boldly Going Nowhere47. Cat: The Other White Meat48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Miscellaneous

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Miscellaneous

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!"- Lynda Montgomery"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."- Johnny Carson"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."- Paul RodriguezAnd from George Carlin...If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?What's another word for thesaurus?If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
Miscellaneous

How do you get holy water?Boil the hell out of it.What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?"Dam!"What do prisoners use to call each other?Cell phonesWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?A stickWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours?Nacho cheeseWhat do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milkWhat do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?FrostbiteWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?A pool table.Why do bagpipers walk when they play?They're trying to get away from the noise.What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste.What is a polygon?A dead parrot.How do you stop an elephant from charging?Take away its credit cards.What's the difference between boogers and spinach?You can't get kids to eat spinach.What did the horse say when he fell?Ive fallen and I can't giddy up!What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?A private tutor.What do you call a sleeping cow?A bulldozer.What do you call a blind deer?No eye deer?What do you call a blind deer with no legs?Still no eye deer?What goes tick tick woof woof?A watch dog.Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?You can see right through him.What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?A blonde going through a blinking red light.Why do farts smell?So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Miscellaneous

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the famer is a blonde. :)He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled."Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"
Miscellaneous

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.He walks over and says - "Good morning, I'm THOR"!She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says - YOUR THOR...I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!
Miscellaneous

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive." The milkman replied, "Oh, OK. Pasteurized?" The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said..."No. Just up to my boobs."
Miscellaneous

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.He left her a note saying:"Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton."He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:"Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!"
Miscellaneous

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought.Q: What is the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists? A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: A foursome.Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket? A. A rebel without a clue!Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A space invader. Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?A: A golden retriever.Q: What does a blonde say during a porno? A: There I am!! Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say? A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
Miscellaneous

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone.Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?"Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third grade.Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?A: Saliva.Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Miscellaneous

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt. 'Sit down and tell me how it happened,' said the doctor.'Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!''Okay, I see...But that's one ear - what about the other?''They called again!!'
Miscellaneous

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off."How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied."Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?""No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?"
Miscellaneous

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$".She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.The blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"And the other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year?"
Miscellaneous

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"
Miscellaneous

The top 10 inventions by Blondes:1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag
Miscellaneous

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?"The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.Once again, she asks her why she was crying?This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!
Miscellaneous

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over!''What do you mean?' said the doctor.The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,'Ow, that hurts.'Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.'Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts!'The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?''Why yes,' she said.'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
Miscellaneous

A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?""Eleventh!" she replied.(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)
Miscellaneous

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!"
Miscellaneous

I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL...NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)FOOT IN MOUTH...UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)
Miscellaneous

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow.Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel.Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children.Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job.Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony? A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony? A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.Q: What did One gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.Q. What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day.Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope.Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
Miscellaneous

Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident. It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!! I break for hallucinations My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down) DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!! Nuck Fewt ORGASM DONOR My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall No radio. Already stolen. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. So many pedestrians, so little time. My other wife is beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. There is one in every crowd and they always find me. I love animals - They taste great! I'd rather step in shit than smoke it. Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass! On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"
Miscellaneous

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor. "How many poles did your group set?" He asked. "Two." Replied the Blonde forewoman. "What! Just, two!" exclaimed the Supervisor. "The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?""It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us," replied the Blonde. "But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!"
Miscellaneous

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutesLife stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like! What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex? A. "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Miscellaneous

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?A: Both of them.Q: Why did the man cross the road?A: He heard the chicken was a slut.Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?A: They don't have time.Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?A: They won't stop to ask directions.Q: What do men and sperm have in common?A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?A: He buys two cases of beer.Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?A: The bonds mature.Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?A: So men can remember them.Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?A: We don't know; it has never happened.Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?A: They all already have boyfriends.Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?A: A Widow.Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?A: His hand caught fire.Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A: Put the remote control between his toes.Q: What did God say after creating Adam?A: I must be able to do better than that.Q: What did God say after creating Eve?A: "Practice makes perfect."Q: How are men and parking spots alike?A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?A: They are married.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God says: "So you would love her.""But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"God says: "So she would love you."
Miscellaneous

Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because she loved children.Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ?? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
Miscellaneous

Halloween Funnies:What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in2000.What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies.What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.
Miscellaneous

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop."Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?""Yep," replied the blonde."I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette."Yep," replied the blonde."Is the cop still following me?""Yep.""Is his lights on?""Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?A: She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
Miscellaneous

How did the blonde die drinking milk?The cow stepped on her.What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?Frosted Flakes!What is it when a blonde blows into anotherblondes ear?Data transfer.What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?"I wonder if it's mine?"How do you confuse a blonde?Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?She couldn't learn the route.Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?Her turn signal was stuck.Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?She needed them for the darkroom she was building.Why are the Japanese so smart?No blondes.
Miscellaneous

What do you call an eternity?Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?Toes Go In FirstThree blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?You always hear about them but never see them.What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?Oh,look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?Because it said concentrate.Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?They think their picture is being taken.How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.Why can't blondes dial 911?They can't find the 11 on the phone.What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?There is white-out all over the monitor.Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?It takes too long to retrain them.A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,"Oh, look at the dead bird." The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where? Where?"How do you drown a blonde?Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?You have to hollow out the head.How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?Shine a flashlight in her ear.Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?They drowned during spring training.What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?"Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!"How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?Tell her a joke on Tuesday.Why are blonde's boobs always square?Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.
Miscellaneous

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said..."Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"
Miscellaneous

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying..."A little more to the left...a little more to the right"
Miscellaneous

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...theBrunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato."C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead."Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead."No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!""OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!""No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde."No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!""Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
Miscellaneous

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.""What's that, baby?" asks the husband."How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
Miscellaneous

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked..."Out of what?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds."Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.""From hunger, you mean?""No, from skipping!"
Miscellaneous

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Miscellaneous

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?A. We'd eat pussy every ThanksgivingQ. Three words to ruin a man's ego...A. "Is it in?"Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMSA. Nothing.Q: What's the speed limit of sex?A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.Q: What's the ultimate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?A. Hair balls.Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk driveQ. What can Life Savers do that men cannot? A Come in five flavorsQ. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?A. CrustQ. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour porkQ. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowingQ. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infectionQ. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?A. By sticking your finger in his honeyQ. What is the ultimate rejection?A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleepQ. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?A. Both can smell it but can't eat itQ. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?A. A blow job with handle barsQ. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A. A mobile sperm bank.Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?A. All you can eat for under a buck.Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A. A cherry float.Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?A. Beat IT -we're closed.Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?A. To find a tight seal.Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.Q. What's the speed limit of sex?A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"Q. Why is air a lot like sex?A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?A. He heard the snow blower coming.Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?A: She's withholding evidenceQ: What's the difference between light and hard?A. You can sleep with a light on.Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.Q. What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?A. His wife died.Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?A. The cake jumps out of the girl.Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A. Full up.Q. What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?A. You can eat your mums apple pieQ. What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?A. Put a nipple on it.Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.The answer. A cockrobin.The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.Q. What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?A. Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?A. You push it to the side before you start eating.Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.Q.What is the difference between women and computers?A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.Q. What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?A. Hanson.Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?A. A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?A. One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."Q. What's the difference between acne and a priest?A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.Q. What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?A. Dress her up as a choir boy.Q. why do tampons have strings?A. So you can floss after eating.Q. What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?A. At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.Q. What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?A. They both dig dead peoples holes.Q. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?A. One is a hunt on the course...........Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?A. A blood vessel.Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.Q. What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?A. A seagull flits along the shore.Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?A. A pimp.Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?A. Michael Jackson's hand.Q. What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?A. Wipe it off and apologise.Q. Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?A. odour eaters.Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?A. Its not hard.Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.Q. How do you make a dog drink?A. Put it in the blender.Q. Why did god put men on earth?A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?A. A pick pocket snatches watches.Q. What's white and clings to the wall?A. George Michael's latest release.Q. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?A. You cant gargle with sand.
Miscellaneous

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office."Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back.""Well let me take a look."When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face."This is amazing."What is is doctor?""I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!"
Miscellaneous

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?Ho-Ho-Ho!
Miscellaneous

What is black, blue, red, and brown?A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?The invitation.Why are blonde jokes so short?So that brewnettes can understand them.What is a fine lookin' man with a brewnette?A hostage.
Miscellaneous

Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:TO: My BossFROM: BlondieSUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2KI hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:JanuarkFebruarkMakJulkI also changed all the days of each week to:SundakMondakTuesdakWednesdakThursdakFridakSaturdakWe are now Y to K compliant.Your loyal secretary!
Miscellaneous

The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."The blonde thinks for a minute and replies, "how do you give shoulders?"
Miscellaneous

This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and he's going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.So, on his first night, he's going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, "Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!"The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, -"You stay out of this, mister. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that jerk on your knee!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!"Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!"The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!"She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager."
Miscellaneous

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
Miscellaneous

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."Her friend asks "What's the puzzle supposed to look like?"The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.""Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
Miscellaneous

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver."Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!I almost had an accident!I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, -"Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"
Miscellaneous

Question: Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...Answer: A naked blonde doing cartwheels!
Miscellaneous

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?A: When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Miscellaneous

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?A frosted Flake!
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde?A: You put a dildo under a glass table!
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you get if put a blonde upside down?A: A brunette with a bad breath.
Miscellaneous

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.They each brought one item for survival.The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, "Why?" The red-headreplied, "To prevent us from dying of thirst."The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, "Why?" The brunettereplied, "To prevent us from dying of hunger."The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked,"Why?" The blonde replied, "To roll down the window if it gets hot."
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? A: So brunettes can remember them.Q: What is black and blue and brown lying in a ditch? A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.
Miscellaneous

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.""I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot.The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?"The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!"
Miscellaneous

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Why?"
Miscellaneous

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked."Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
Miscellaneous

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch.""What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going."Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"By the way - Mary is blonde.
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?A: She had to break a window to get out!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?A: Because they can understand them.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Miscellaneous

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Miscellaneous

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?A: She has a checkbook.
Miscellaneous

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut itin six or twelve pieces.A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Miscellaneous

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Miscellaneous

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?A: Marriage.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?A: An Italian suppository.
Miscellaneous

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Miscellaneous

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
Miscellaneous

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. Shepasses a person who asks, "Where did you get that?"A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Miscellaneous

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.""Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy."Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, "Andy!""That's interesting. . . What made you say that?" said Saint PeterThen She started to sing: "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me. . . "
Miscellaneous

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Miscellaneous

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.""No. Those are deer tracks."They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Miscellaneous

Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?A: He knows who the ten men were.
Miscellaneous

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?A: Grade4.
Miscellaneous

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we coulddo without the ironing lady.Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could dowithout the gardener.
Miscellaneous

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEANRESTROOMS 8 MILES".By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Miscellaneous

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see wherethe sun went? It finally dawned on her.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?A: Because she got an F in sex.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?A: A visitor.
Miscellaneous

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?A: Retardo.
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?A: She can't say "No".
Miscellaneous

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Miscellaneous

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?A: To turn the blinker off.
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after ablonde drives a car?A: Cause she blows the horn!
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?A: An air bag.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?A: Tell her she's pregnant.Q: What will she ask you?A: "Is it mine?"
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"The nympho says, "Are you done already?"The blonde says, "Beige. . . I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?A: The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?A: One's a busy ditch.
Miscellaneous

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?A: Proof reading.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?A1: A golden retriever.A2: A labrador.A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Miscellaneous

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?A: She fell out of the tree.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?A: A Space Invader.
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?A: Spot.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?A: To cover up the valve stem.
Miscellaneous

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?A: She kept having affairs with men!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?A: Frosted Flakes.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around andcome home?A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was atelevision.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?A: "Nice tits!"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for herthoughts?A: Change.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B. L. O. N. . . . ah, oh well. . I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea. . . "
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Miscellaneous

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?A1:10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three. . . one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.A3: Two. . . one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you drown a blonde?A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.A2: Don't tell her to swallow.A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?A: They both have black roots.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?A: So she could lip read.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of theirhead?A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?A: You only have to punch information into a computer once!
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?A: A mental block.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?A: An interpreter.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?A: They're doing research on black holes.
Miscellaneous

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In thefirst room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!".In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"."I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
Miscellaneous

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?A: Hump me Dump me.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?A1: She'd just dyed her hair.A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Miscellaneous

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?A: Nothing. They've never met.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?A: Pregnant
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?A: Gifted!
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?A: Gee, are you sure it's mine?
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?A: Not everyone has been in a747.
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?A: Tits Go In Front.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?A: Toes Go In First.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax nowin effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it.Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G. S. T.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde owl say?A: What, what?
Miscellaneous

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Miscellaneous

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.[3 very lonely men.]98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]In 1681, the last dodo bird died.[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.[It's known as the Sanka clause.]The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]Every person has a unique tongue print.[But would you want someone to ink yours?]Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.[Even if you don't inhale.]Women's hearts beat faster than men's.[Even after death.]When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh's nickname. ]Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.[His parents never bought him a night light.]Bubble gum contains rubber.[But should not be used as a condom.]You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."[And most likely to grab himself.]Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.[74% think Madonna is.]The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.[I may never eat Jell-o again!]The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. [But it will hold a grudge much longer.]Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]Most American car horns honk in the key of F.[And we all know what the F represents.]The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]Most lipstick contains fish scales.[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.[Who volunteers to confirm this?]Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.[The same is true for people.]
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?A: So they know when to stop having sex!
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?A: 144 blondes.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do blondes say after sex?A1: "Thanks, Guys!"A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?A4: Who were all those guys?
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?A: Bucket seats.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?A: More leg room.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?A: More head room.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?A: Opens the car door.
Miscellaneous

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, "How much for a box of rubbers?""They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax.""Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Miscellaneous

Another blonde, another store. . .She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:"I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.""Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk."No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Miscellaneous

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?A: Her IQ goes up!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?A: Because it kept falling out.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?A: A brain tumor.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?A: To see what was on the other side.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?A: Cause their balls show!
Miscellaneous

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?A: They make good ankle warmers.
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?A: She moved.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?A: Because red means stop.
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row !!Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over hundred.Brunette: My god ! I had no idea he was that good.Blonde: (looking shocked) oh, you meant with one guy. . .
Miscellaneous

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: Do you know where you were going?Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!
Miscellaneous

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink ?"
Miscellaneous

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?A: Has that blonde gone yet?A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Miscellaneous

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?A1: "What's a lightbulb?"A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the blonde who...had more on her body than on her mind?was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?took an hour to cook Minute Rice?got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?was an M. D. - Mentally Deficient?had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress(reading her name tag)?A: "'Debbie'. . . that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?A: Reservations.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?A1: She drops her nail-file!A2: Who cares?A3: She says, "Next".A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.A6: I mean, who really cares?A7: The batteries have run out.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring.
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?A: A wind tunnel.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Miscellaneous

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Miscellaneous

Grow your own dope! Plant a blonde!
Miscellaneous

Twas the Night before X-masT'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissedHe cussed out the elves and through down his listMiserable little brats, ungrateful little jerksI have a good mind to scrap the whole worksI've busted my ass for damn near a yearInstead of thanks Santa what do I hearThe Old lady bitches cause I work late at nightThe elves want more money the reindeers all fightRudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get betterThose assholes from IRS sent me a letterThey say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funnyWho the hell ever sent Santa Claus any moneyAnd the kids these days- they all are the pits They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shitsI spent a whole year making wagons and sledsAssembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and headsI made a ton of yo yo's No request for them They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBMIf you thinks that bad...just picture thisTry holding their pants full of piss They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierdFlying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimmneys and skinning their kneesI'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoymentI'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season
Miscellaneous

How does a man take a bubble bath?He eats beans for dinner.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?Because they don't have testicles.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?Breasts don't have eyes.Why don't men eat more M&M's?They're too hard to peel.What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?Gifted.What's a man's idea of foreplay?A half hour of begging.How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?He's breathing.What do men and bottles of beer have in common?They're both empty from the neck up.How can you tell if a man is happy?Who cares!!!!What is the thinnest book in the world?What Men Know About WomenHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?One. Men will screw anything!How do you save a man from drowning?Take your foot off his head.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don't know - it's never happened.Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?Because they're stupid.How are men and parking spots alike?The good ones are always taken.Why do men like love at first sight?It saves them a lot of time.A woman of 35 thinks of having children.What does a man of 35 think of?Dating children.How can you tell soap operas are fictional?In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it.Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?To stop the snoring before it starts.Why don't men have mid-life crises?They stay stuck in adolescence.How does a man show he's planning for the Future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?At the circus the clowns don't talk.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?Exchange him.Why do bachelors like smart women?Opposites attract.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.Why are blonde jokes so short?So men can remember them.
Miscellaneous

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"To that the man asks, "Anything??"And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"With that, the man says, "Follow me."He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."She does.He then says, "Get on your knees."She does.He then says, "Take down my zipper."She does.He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?A: To see what was on the other side.
Miscellaneous

Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?"Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?"
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Miscellaneous

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?A: She peed on her corn flakes.
Miscellaneous

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s!
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Miscellaneous

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard!
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
Miscellaneous

What is chemistry's greatest achievement ...... Artificial blondes!
Miscellaneous

Q: What is the diffrence between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been seen.
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you kill a dumb blonde?A: Put a scratch n' sniff sticker at the bottom of her pool.
Miscellaneous

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons."I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Miscellaneous

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Miscellaneous

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place."Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
Miscellaneous

STATE OF CALIFORNIADEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE 1700 "J" STREETSACRAMENTO, CA 95368PETE WILSON HARRY WALBRATHGOVERNOR DIRECTORBULLETIN NUMBER 95-2374DATE: OCTOBER 20, 1995TO: ALL CALIFORNIA INSURANCE AGENCIESALL CALIFORNIA DEALERS OF NEW/USED AUTOMOBILESFROM: CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCESUBJ: AUTOMOTIVE VEHICLE HEADLAMP DIMMER SWITCH1. Pursuant to the California Department of Motor Vehicles Act Number DMV 95-79221, all motor vehicles sold in the State of California after November 1, 1995 will be required to have the headlamp dimmer switch mounted on the floor of the vehicle. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch with the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid any inadvertent operation and/or pedal confusion.2. Included in the above act, and beginning January 1, 1996 all other vehicles with steering mounted switches must be retrofitted with a floor mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming California State Safety Inspection which will begin on this date.3. It is recognized that this will cause some difficulties and hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. A recent study entitled Initiation Sequence in California Night Time Highway Traffic Accidents was conducted jointly by the California Department of Highway Patrol and the California Department of Motor Vehicles along with the University of California at Berkeley Public Safety Research Department. In this study it has been shown that 90-95% of all California night time traffic accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel in an attempt to dim the headlamps of her vehicle.
Miscellaneous

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam."Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy."Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam.The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand."One lady coming up." says the madam."And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy."Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean."The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam."One dirty girl, coming up," she says.The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!"
Miscellaneous

Q:How is a blonde and a screen door alike? A:The harder you bang them the looser they get.
Miscellaneous

Why do men prefer blondes?Men always like intellectual company.
Miscellaneous

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them. or So men can understand them.
Miscellaneous

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. "Not at all, go right ahead," she replied."Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?""I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.""I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much.""Well, if it's that important to you...Jimmy is your child."
Miscellaneous

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars."Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed."Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."
Miscellaneous

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!
Miscellaneous

To cut off a blonde's ears, put razor blades on each shoulder and ask the blond a question.Automatically the blonde will shake her head from shoulder to shoulder saying "I don't know."
Miscellaneous

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian? She liked guys!
Miscellaneous

What do you call a blonde behind a stearingwheel? An airbag!
Miscellaneous

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - "If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?"He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487". The shepherd said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a deal's a deal"So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepehrd says "WAIT!Now I have a deal for you.... if I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?"
Miscellaneous

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk."How much is that television set?" she asks."Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the clerk said.So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks "How much is that television set behind you?"The clerk replies, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."Again, the girl walks out.She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks "How much is that television set behind you?" The clerk again replies, "We don't sell to blondes!"Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.She asks carefully, "How do you know I'm a blond?"The clerk looks at the girl and says..."Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!"
Miscellaneous

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Miscellaneous

There was a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead and they were in the third grade. Who had the biggest tits?The blonde, because she was18.
Miscellaneous

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over forspeeding, the cop asks," can I see your license and registrationplease!"The blonde responds, "license and registration what is that?"The cop respnds," you will find your license in your purse andregistration in your glove compartment."The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car,and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies,"this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it?" The cop replies,"yes it is." The dispatcher says, "go back to her car and drop yourpants."The cop responds back,"I cant do that!" The dispatcher says, "trustme, just do it!" then the cop replies,"ok whatever you say!"So he walks back to her car, and drops his pants. The blonde turnsaround and says, "oh no, not another breathalizer test!"
Miscellaneous

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers!"
Miscellaneous

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:-------------------------------------| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 || Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 || Hand Job: $10.00 |-------------------------------------Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to thebar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondesserving drinks to an eager-looking group of men."Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?""I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?""Yes," she purrs, "I am."The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The currentnews story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.Blonde: OK.(Back to newscast : He jumped!)Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.Blonde: I insist. I lost.Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.
Miscellaneous

Q.What do you call a buncha Blondes in a freezer???A. Frosted Flakes
Miscellaneous

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
Miscellaneous

How did the blonde try to kill the bird...she threw it off of a cliff.How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves...she fell out of the tree.How did the blonde die, drinking milk...the cow stepped on her.How did the blonde burn her nose...bobbing for french fries.Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month...the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops...so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.Why do men like blonde jokes...it is one thing they can understand.Why do blondes like lightning...they think someone is taking their picture.Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces...from eating with forks.Why do blondes have more fun...they are easier to keep amused.What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides...an interpreter.What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer...frosted flakes.What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head...a space invader.What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case...branch manager.What do you call a smart blonde...a golden retriever.What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes...the back of her head.What does a blonde owl say...what, what...How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies...10...one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & M's.Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence...to see what is on the other side.Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back...from crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat...in case she locks the keys in her car.Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet...so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.Why was blondes created...because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge...why were brunettes created...neither could the blondes.Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor...she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months...because the box said from 2-4 years.Why did the blonde call the welfare office...she wanted to know how to cook food stamps.Where do blondes go to meet their relatives...the vegetable garden.What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon ... far - from - thinkin.What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois...oh look, donut seeds.What did the blonde name her pet zebra...spot.Why are dumb blonde jokes so short...so brunettes can remember them.Why can't blondes put in light bulbs...they keep breaking them with the hammer.When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head...when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it.Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license...because she got an F in sex.Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air...she missed.What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear...data transfer.What is gross ignorance...144 blondes.What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road...there are skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb...the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on.What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have...one that never misses a period.What is the blondes highest ambition in life...to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.What can save a dying blonde...hair transplants.What are the six worst years in a blonde's life...third grade.What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common...you keep hearing about them, but never see any.What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer...I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy...a hundred dollar bill.How do you confuse a blonde...You don't. They're born that way.How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries...if she had a checkbook.How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde...there is a stamp on it.How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook...she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.What is the difference between a blonde and bigfoot...bigfoot has been spotted.What does a blonde make best for dinner...reservations.What does a blonde and cow-pats have in common...they both get eaiser to pick-up with age.What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on...it's on, it's off, it's on...What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts...change.What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear...thanks for the refill.What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair...last years hide and go seek winner.What do you call a basement full of blondes...a whine cellar.What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool...an air bubble.What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel...an air bag.What do you call a blonde between two brunettes...a mental block.What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear...a wind tunnel.What do you call 15 blondes in a circle...a dope ring.What do you call a blonde in college...a visitor.What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty...a blonde parade.A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde...she got lost.Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting...but I don't know how to cook skeet.Question to the blonde...why do you have an ice pack on your chest...to keep the milk fresh.How do blonde brain cells die...alone.How do you measure a blonde's intelligence...stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.How to you keep a blonde busy all day...put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you...run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle...shine a flashlight in her ears.How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads.Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads...to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said "I dunno".How do blondes pierce their ears...they put tacks in their shoulder pads.How do you drown a blonde...put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.Why do blondes hate M & M's...they're to hard to peel.How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies...there are M&M shells all over the floor.What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory...proof reading.How do you keep a blonde in suspense...I'll tell you tomorrow.How do you keep a blonde busy...write "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.Why can't the blonde make ice cubes...she lost the receipt. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed...she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping.How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek...one.What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone...divorced.Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven...she didn't know which 1 came first.How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.Why does the blonde wear underclothes...to keep her ankles warm.Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for toes g o in first.How many blondes does it take to change a tire...5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads.How do you give a blonde a brain transplant...blow in her ear.What do blondes and beer bottles have in common...they're both empty from the neck up.Why did the blonde cross the road...never mind that, what's she doing out of the bedroom?What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear...thanks for the refill.What's the mating call of a brunette...Is that darn blonde gone yet?Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink...that's where you wash vegetables.How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle...shine a light in her ear.What's the advantage of being married to a blonde...you can park in handicapped zones.What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you...pull the pin and throw it back.What's the mating call of a blonde...I think I'm drunk.How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex...opens the car door.Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress...to keep her neck warm.Why did the blonde have square boobs...she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall...to see what was on the other side.What do blondes and cow pies have in common...the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb...6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb...two...one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went...it finally dawned on her.How did the blonde commit suicide...she dyed by her own hand.Brunette to the blonde...Awww, look at the dead birdie...the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer...there is "white-out" all over the screen.How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer ...there's writing on the "white-out".Why do blondes wear ear muffs?...to avoid the draft.What's the mating call of the blonde..."I'm soooo drunk"What's the mating call of the ugly blonde...(screaming) " I'm drunk!"What's the mating call of the brunette?...all the blonds have gone home.What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears...trying to hold on to a thought.Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?...because it said "concentrate".Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet...she thought it was diet coke.Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering...the noise gave her a headache.Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips...from trying to blow out lightbulbs.Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar...she heard that the drinks were on the house.Why don't blondes have elevator jobs...they don't know the route.Why does blondes have elevator jobs...they like going up and down.Why do blondes work seven days a week...so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons...you can also sit upright in a car.
Miscellaneous

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon aset of tracks."Looks like deer tracks", said one blonde."No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested."Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blondeoffered.They were still arguing when the train hit them!
Miscellaneous

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Miscellaneous

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,"Look, no marks."The bartender is still unsure so the man asks..."Would anyone else like to try?"The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says..."I will but don't smack me on the head!"
Miscellaneous

Inventions by Blondes...1. The water-proof towel2. Glow in the dark sunglasses3. Solar powered flashlights 4. Submarine screen doors 5. A book on how to read 6. Inflatable dart boards 7. A dictionary index 8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners 9. Powdered water 10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs 11. Waterproof tea bags 12. Watermelon seed sorter13. Zero proof alcohol 14. Reuseable ice cubes 15. See-through toilet tissue16. Skinless bananas 17. Do-it-yourself road map 18. Turnip ice cream 19. Toe implants 20. An all white flag21. Rolls Royce pickup truck 22. Helicopter Ejector Seat
Miscellaneous

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out. When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said... "Duh, use the big red truck!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.The brunette see's her husband, and he is carrying flowers.The brunette says to the blonde "now I'm going to half to spread my legs!", and the blonde says "why? don't you have a vase?"
Miscellaneous

Q: How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ?? A: She through it out of the window !!
Miscellaneous

What do you call a blonde that dies her hair Brown? Artificialintelligence!
Miscellaneous

What goes "errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh? A blonde at ablinking red light!
Miscellaneous

Words From Famous Women ... "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - CarolLeifer "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."- Maryon Pearson "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Miscellaneous

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?She was trying to blow the horn!
Miscellaneous

Q: What does a blonde do after waking up? A1: Go Home. A2: Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.
Miscellaneous

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?When they're on their back their both fucked!
Miscellaneous

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra? They'll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.
Miscellaneous

What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?They both wiggle when you eat them.
Miscellaneous

How do blonde's braincells die??-Alone-
Miscellaneous

Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Miscellaneous

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black""Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.""Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.""Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?""Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.""Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked."WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven to meet Saint Peter...He first tells her that the only way she can get through the gate is to pass a quite simple test."What is The Son Of God's name?" he asks.She thinks for a minute, rubbing her chin in deep thought. "Andy!" She bursts out with a gleaming smile."No, I'm sorry that is incorrect, what made you say that?" he asks.She starts singing... "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, andy tells me..."
Miscellaneous

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?a: What's a light bulb?
Miscellaneous

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top."The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".
Miscellaneous

Why do blondes where underwear?To keep their ankles warm.
Miscellaneous

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.Which one is the probably the smartest?If you guessed the blonde you were correct.... she's 19 years old!
Miscellaneous

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Miscellaneous

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.""That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car.""Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?""No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Miscellaneous

Q: What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?A: Like, Not even!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why were blondes created?A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge
Miscellaneous

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Miscellaneous

How can you tell a blonde is under stress?She's got her tampax behind one ear and she can't find her pen!
Miscellaneous

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh.' And then she socked me one."First guy: "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.' But I accidentally said:'You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!'"
Miscellaneous

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?White-out on the screen!How can you tell she's made the corrections?She wrote over the white out!
Miscellaneous

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge."I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge," the brunette said to the blonde. "Okay, it's a bet." A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars. "I can't take it." "You have to, it was a bet." "I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then." The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.And the blonde said... "Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!"
Miscellaneous

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?A: 30 - 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.
Miscellaneous

---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
Miscellaneous

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!""Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"
Miscellaneous

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine..."You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about."What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
Miscellaneous

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, "51!!" "51!!" The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast "51". This happens a few times.Finally, the bartender speaks up. "Excuse me," He says, "But why do you ladies keep doing that?" "Well," Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, "We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!"
Miscellaneous

What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?Locking the car doors!
Miscellaneous

Q: Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?A: Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!
Miscellaneous

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.The commander yells, "Ready...Aim..." and the brunette yells "Earthquake!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the redhead yells "Tornado!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the blonde yells "Fire!!!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde's house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, "My house is onfire." The dispatcher says, "Well, can you tell me how we get there?""Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course."
Miscellaneous

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at thebottom of the pool!
Miscellaneous

Santa, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde ran a race. Who won?Santa flys, not runs, there aren't any smart blondes, so the dumb blonde it must be!
Miscellaneous

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.""Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again."Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Miscellaneous

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer? The joystick's wet.How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer? There's white out on the screen.How do you know she's been back? There's writing on the white out.What do a turtle and a blonde have in common? Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!
Miscellaneous

One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger.For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone, "Stroke! Stroke!"So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that she began pacing back forth on the pavement, throwing gravel and dirt at them from her place on the road, and she screamed at the top of her lungs, "You two are so stupid, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick both your behinds!!"
Miscellaneous

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes in a basement? A: A whine cellar
Miscellaneous

A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?She thought and answered.."is it on or off?"
Miscellaneous

A brunette was walking on the railroad tracks saying, "21...21....21...." when a blonde jumped on. A train came and the brunette jumped off...the train hit the blonde. The Brunette then got back onto the tracks and started saying, "22.....22......22....."
Miscellaneous

What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
Miscellaneous

Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can for20 minutes because it said concentrate?
Miscellaneous

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?Shine a torch in her ear!
Miscellaneous

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!
Miscellaneous

What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign??LOOK!!! They spelled MACY's wrong!!!!
Miscellaneous

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.
Miscellaneous

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all jump off a cliff. Which onehit the bottom first?Not the blonde, she needed directions!
Miscellaneous

-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt.-Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.-Why are most brunettes flat-chested? It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.-Why is the color brunette considered evil? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?-How can you tell a brunette is lonely ? Check her for a pulse.-What is the most frustrated animal in the world? A brunette rabbit.-Why do brunettes wear training bras? It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.-Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls? Parents felt the dandruffmight be contagious.-How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair? With a rake.-Why don't brunettes get breast implants? They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.-Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.-What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.-Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? From their underarms.-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?Startled.-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage.-How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color? By studying what oilspills did to seaweed.-What's the difference between a brunette and the trash? At least the trash gets taken out once a week.-What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.-Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.-What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? 'What part of *yes* don't you understand?'
Miscellaneous

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?So men can understand them.
Miscellaneous

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman.She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out."
Miscellaneous

One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the country..The Brunette noticed a woman over in a field of wheat rowing in akayak.The Blonde then noticed also and the Brunette asked her "Why is she in aboat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down the road!"And the Blonde replied... "Want me to swim out and tell her?"
Miscellaneous

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:"You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes." What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: "well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?"The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says "he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse". So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, "Chief, can i talk to my horse again"? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says "Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse.."So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!"
Miscellaneous

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said"concentrate!"
Miscellaneous

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!
Miscellaneous

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were abrunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke...the order of finish was:The brunette came in first, the redhead second,... "but wait", where wasthe blonde??? She was still racing!When she got to the finish line...she said " THEY CHEATED!!"The Judge said "how??"The dumb blonde screamed..."THEY USED THEIR ARMS!"
Miscellaneous

Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap -she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!
Miscellaneous

Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he seesanother blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells tothe blonde in the cornfield: "Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right outthere and give you a piece of my mind!"
Miscellaneous

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered theelevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"? (letters only). He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T" (letters only)."She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile andsaid as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled "S-H-I-T."The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Miscellaneous

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sitsdown in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fucking bitch!"
Miscellaneous

- How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?- I don't know...Why?- Because blonde boys are stupid as well!
Miscellaneous

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation." He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!" "Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.
Miscellaneous

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which onegets to the ground first?Answer: The brunette... the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!
Miscellaneous

There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out."I will grant you each a wish," he said. "Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try.""I want to be the world's best swimmer" one said, "so can swim off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away."I want to be a bird" one said, and flew away immediately.The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. "I want to be a man. Maybe that would help." She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.
Miscellaneous

Person: Are you a democrat or a republican?Blonde: Oh, I'm an American.
Miscellaneous

Q....OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?A....The brunette, because the other two don't exist!
Miscellaneous

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
Miscellaneous

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry"."Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?".The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who in the heck is the owner?". "I am he", answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...What your name? I say Sam Ting."(Sam Ting= 'same thing')
Miscellaneous

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
Miscellaneous

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic."Blonde: "I'll have a15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7"
Miscellaneous

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes.Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course.Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes.Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine.Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.234. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"235. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.236. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"237. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."238. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!239. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...240. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
Miscellaneous

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?""Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it.""Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?""What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.""Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Miscellaneous

201. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ? A: A blond electrician202. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.203. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ???? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!204. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.205. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought.206. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.207. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.208. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.209. Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie? A: She liked to be filled with cream.210. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?211. Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them212. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"213. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.214. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.215. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.216. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears.217. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.218. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!219. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor.220. Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
Miscellaneous

181. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.182. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.183. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave at her.184. Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A golden retriever.185. Q: How do you check a blonde's IQ? A: With a tire gauge.186. Q: How does a blonde interpret6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period.187. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"188. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.189. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ? A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.190. Q: Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders? A: Because the can't even keep two calves together!191. Q: Why don't blonds breast feed? A: Because they always burn their nipples.192. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries.193. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.194. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.195. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply.196. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head.197. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!198. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !199. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.200. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Miscellaneous

161. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper162. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.163. Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.164. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.165. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A: The Blonde!166. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered.167. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.168. Q: Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Season"169. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'170. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter.171. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.172. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.173. Q: What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other? A: An air mattress.174. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.175. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ? A: Sweet Fuck All...176. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.177. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles.178. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes.179. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.180. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.
Miscellaneous

141. Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.142. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning.143. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.144. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.145. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.146. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.147. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's.148. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.149. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.150. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq? A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.151. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date. A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.152. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."153. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."154. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men!155. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?156. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.157. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.158. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.159. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!"160. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Miscellaneous

121. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo.122. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...123 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.124. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.125. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley? A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!127. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal? A: One's a busy ditch.128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.129. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them.136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read.139. Q: How do you drown a blond? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.140. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow.
Miscellaneous

101. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant.102. Q: How do blondes get pregnant? A: And you thought blondes were dumb.103. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?"104. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.105. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.106. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.107. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is.108. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out.109. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking.110. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!111. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.112. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up!113. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade.114. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.115. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.116. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.117. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".118. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted.119. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.120. Q: What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Miscellaneous

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Miscellaneous

81. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.82. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.83. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.84. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?85. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?*86. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ? A: So they know when to stop having sex !87. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm???? A1: She drops her nail-file!!! A2: Who cares? A3: She say 'Next' A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes A6: The batteries have run out.88. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.89. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!"90. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer.91. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. A: They are easier to keep amused.92. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"93. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"94. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.95. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.96. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit.97. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 74798. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?99. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?"100. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Miscellaneous

61. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.62. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home.63. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".64. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilised.65. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilised.66. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door.67. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door.68. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ? A: Kick open the car door.69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her driver's license? A: The instructor gave her an "F" in sex.70. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room.71. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room.72. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.73. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.74. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.75. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.76. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An Air Bag.77. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!78. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.79. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? A: Bucket seats.80. Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band/team? A3: Do you guys all play for the Rams?
Miscellaneous

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick.Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.Q: Why do blondes wear panties? A: They make good ankle warmers.Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show!Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear.Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!"Q: What's a brunette's mating call ? A: Has that blonde gone yet?Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!"Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it.Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T.Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first.Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits go in front.Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."
Miscellaneous

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?A: There's white-out on the screen.Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?A: There's writing on the white-out.Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?A: She has a checkbook.Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?A: There is a stamp on it.Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?A: By the buckle print on her forehead.Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!Q: How do you kill a blonde?A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.Q: Why don't blondes make Jello?A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?A: All you can eat, under a buck.Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?A: They can't find the zipper.Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Miscellaneous

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted!Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience!Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night.Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: When they're on their backs, they're screwed.Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme.Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: She liked kids...Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture.Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Miscellaneous

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Miscellaneous

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, butshe slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Miscellaneous

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
Miscellaneous