The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace in a continual state of alarm (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing them with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Imagine the Creator as a stand up commedian - and at once the world becomes explicable.

We must respect the other fellow's religion,but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.

JUDGE, n A law student who marks his own papers.

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.